My g/f is selfish in bed

[Double J]

Her and I had a talk about this the other night and she did admit to being selfish. Examples include:

 

- Her wanting to jump to her favorite sexual position but putting my favorites on the back burner (in other words she tends to want to do my favorites only after she's orgasmed)

- Very little foreplay on me, yet expecting me to do it on her

- Virtually never goes down on me, whereas I do down on her all the time (just because she loves it and I want to please her)

 

Just now her and I had a mini-argument. There are nights when I try to do things to turn her on (bite her in different parts of the body, lick, etc) and she seems to like it, but all along she has no interest on these particular nights to make love and she fails to give me any warning of this. So I basically expend all that effort for nothing; although I'm glad she enjoys it, my purpose for doing it goes way beyond that and she knows it. I think that's unfair and also shows selfishness on her part.

 

My g/f and I lost our virginities to each other. I love the fact that she had never been with any guy prior to me, but I know that part of this problem now stems from the fact that she is inexperienced. I'm sure that if she would have been with another guy before me who issued the same complaint, she probably would not be doing it to me now. But I'm kind of thankful that she is in this regard because I was her first and I love that.

 

Has anyone here experienced something similar with your b/f or g/f? If so, what did you do to improve the situation? It seems to me that my g/f has cared more about what pleasure she gets out of it instead of mutually giving each other pleasure. The worst problem is the oral - she never goes down on me unless I initiate a 69 session. What bothers me is that she knows I love oral (and I often go down on HER when she least expects it) but she just doesn't do it to me. I think it's totally unfair. At least she admitted to being selfish and said she will do more foreplay on me from here on out.

 

She also said that she is now willing to give preference to my favorite positions over hers - even going so far as to avoid doing her favorite one at all. I told her I didn't think it would have to be something that drastic. I would definitely like her to be more upfront about when she's not in the mood so that I don't waste my time trying to arouse her.

 

On another note, for the past few months I've been trying to conquer my tendency to watch porn at night. Now I'm starting to really wonder whether I look at porn because my g/f isn't fully satisfying me. As most of us know, in those videos women do stuff to the men sometimes that makes you wish your g/f would do it to you. It's no surprise that most of the porn I've downloaded tends to involve oral - the main area that is lacking.

 

Look forward to reading other responses/similar experiences.

 

Thanks.

[n83]

It sounds like you JUST talked about this, so give it some time and see if anything changes. It might help if during sex, you coach her sort of.. For example, "I reeeeeeeally want you to go down on me right now..." or something along those lines.. Let her know exactly what you want her to do.

[StarLily]

Some of the things they do in porn videos is TOTALLY disrespectful to women. That is the reason I was freaked out about giving my bf oral until I realized that not all guys are jerks like they are in those stupid movies. Maybe she is the same.

[zerohalo]

I know where you're coming from with the porn viewing. Porn tends to be the most interesting to me if it's something that I will most likely never do... or at least until I bring it up. Learning something new is always good. But yeah, if it's something I'm not getting I do tend to gravitate more towards that type of viewing.

 

Ok, more on topic now... a girl that's selfish in bed. I really don't have that much experience in the area, but then my experience is pretty limited so take it with a grain of salt. I've always found that just basic communicating on what you want and need solves most issues. You've already taken that step, and it's a difficult one. Sometimes REALLY difficult.

 

Feelings can get hurt, both of you can feel neglected or inadequate. Just bring up when things are going really right so she knows when you're happy, and tactfully bring things up when something bothers you... but unless it's really really wrong, don't EVER bring it up during the act. However, definitely say when things are really really right during the act. Positive reinforcement FTW! (for the win for all you non-gaming folks)

[TheRedQueen]

Sex, love, and relationships are all paved via two-way streets. A partner who is selfish in any of these arenas is not much of a "partner" if you know what I mean.

 

I've had the misfortune to once date a terribly selfish lover, and eventually I dumped him because having him not pleasure me, and worse yet, having him not want to pleasure me, really hurt my feelings. If I were you I'd bring this up to her (again), and if she fails to respond to your (valid) complaint, perhaps it will be time for you to move on.

[Double J]

Well as I stated in the original post, she did respond and wants to take drastic action. She says she's willing to give preference to my favorite positions and not hers - whether she lives up to her words remains to be seen.

 

I really don't know what her deal is with the oral. I've asked her and she herself doesn't really know why she's averse to oral. At times she's said she strains her mouth/jaw from having to keep it wide-open too long. Other times she says she wants to avoid from me getting close to ejaculation. I've clearly told her I don't mind if she does it at the very end, but still, she only does it when I ask her to and not when I least expect it.

 

I guess my main point is that my g/f is too constrained in the bedroom; I think she needs to become a bit more spontaneous and imaginative, which ties into doing things to please me more (and not just herself).

[Cardinal]

I have been with a girl who admitted to being selifsh in bed.

 

I derive pleasure from being a giver in the bedroom so it worked out fine.

 

Odd thing is, most of the women I have been with would seem very selfish if you just watched us doing it on tape. The real reason they were that way was very different though. They were often timid, shy, and lacked the aggressiveness and confidence to do something like give oral. That requires the ability to take control which many women can't do. Plus there are things women just don't like to do. They have aversion to things.

 

To conclude, the one 'selfish' girl I was with appeared anything but selfish to me. She was aggressive and confident. She would go down on me anytime I asked. She would do it when I didn't ask. She just had a very vibrant and explosive nature in the bedroom. Selfish was indeed a misnomer. What she wanted and what she did to me were two different things. Selfish was only in her mind.

[Cardinal]

Some of the things they do in porn videos is TOTALLY disrespectful to women. That is the reason I was freaked out about giving my bf oral until I realized that not all guys are jerks like they are in those stupid movies. Maybe she is the same.

 

You are not the only one who is turned off by watching crappy bj videos in porn.

 

There is a lot of deprecation in porn. For a casual viewer, it can be tough to tell what is happening. Demeaning isn't cool.

 

Watching a girl enjoy herself down there is. It is not what they are doing specifically or how they do it. Bj's are about her. The focus is on her. It is not too tough to tell if a woman is not enjoying it. Total turn-off for me if she isn't happy (can be rough as all heck, but if she is loving it so am I)

[StarLily]

You are not the only one who is turned off by watching crappy bj videos in porn.

 

There is a lot of deprecation in porn. For a casual viewer, it can be tough to tell what is happening. Demeaning isn't cool.

 

Watching a girl enjoy herself down there is. It is not what they are doing specifically or how they do it. Bj's are about her. The focus is on her. It is not too tough to tell if a woman is not enjoying it. Total turn-off for me if she isn't happy (can be rough as all heck, but if she is loving it so am I)

 

I am so glad there are guys out there who feel that way! Actually my bf does too but knowing that more guys think that is awesome..

For me oral is more intimate than sex. I have no idea why people do it before having sex for the first time with their partnet. I would SO not be comfortable with that..

[Bionic_Agent]

Her and I had a talk about this the other night and she did admit to being selfish. Examples include:

 

- Her wanting to jump to her favorite sexual position but putting my favorites on the back burner (in other words she tends to want to do my favorites only after she's orgasmed).

 

The other things like hesitation to give oral sex sound like problems, but this doesn't. In fact, I'd say it's a good idea for women to get off first since it is generally harder for women to climax. That means she avoids the common problem of giving a guy an orgasm and having him leave her hanging because he thinks he's finished.

[EvaGina]

does it take quite a lot for her to orgasm?

if so, then I can see why she does it... she wants the best chance of cumming before you finish