i got conflicting advice!! HELP

[asiu]

i'm entering day 14 of my break up. so far, i've been able to stay clear headed, except for last night. i was packing up my room and listening to some songs, the feelings of hurt and lost just hit me HARD suddenly...

 

here's the link to how the break up happened.

 

so far, he's emailed me once and sent me 2 texts. i didn't reply his contacts so in his last text, he requested a respond to say how i was doing. i ignored that too.

 

i feel that i still need a closure for myself even though i strong feel that i want him back. he broke up with me and i did things that led to that, but we both have a fair share of mistakes in this relationship. i have reflected upon my part and already had my issues and feelings sorted out.

 

i do still wanna give this relationship a chance, im still willing to work hard on working out our differences. but on one condition - only when he becomes enlightened on his own about his part in our relationship. obviously, i cannot help him with that.

 

i've been reading lots of threads on here talking about NC or LC, im not sure which i should take up. and i'm wondering if i should write a note for my own closure before that.

 

the conflicting advice i got was writing a simple note saying im sorry things didn't work out, i understand and respect your choice etc...

vs.

writing out everything i feel and my take on what happened, which my mother suggests by her experience. she says if you can share your pain, the other person will be more open to help make things better - bcoz my ex is a very compassionate person so a very sentimental message may be better? then i've been reading more stuff and thought, won't that only apply when the partner HASN'T walked out already?

 

im confused.......

dunno what to do, what to say, when to say

[Puckdog27]

I disagree with your mom on one thing. When you write a note laying out your side, sometimes the take offense. Maybe be better to ask him what is his feeling are on what caused the breakup. I would stick with NC for a few more weeks.

 

It was only after a few weeks of NC on my ex's part that the light bulb went on in my head and I saw the things I had done wrong.

[lizer]

i also disagree with your mom.

the only thing writing an intense letter will do

is make yourself open for more hurt if he doesnt give a rip about what you said in it.... it will possibly also make him feel like you're manipulating him..trying to make him feel guilty for what he did and take you back....

 

im just telling you this stuff from personal experience..

guys, however compassionate they are (i.e. my exbf)...

spilling it ALL OUT for them freaks them out.

 

i wrote my ex a letter... two, actually.

one was real. one was email.

both only contained positive things. never bad.

the last one sort of just said in essense...

i respect your decision and im letting you go...

 

you can want reconciliation all you want,

but that doesnt mean he does..

write a letter to him, keep it to the point, and not wordy...

keep it positive....

 

and then just move on...

my ex after 2 months is just finally starting to

open up to me again... allowing hang outs and

calling me more, etc etc..

but that wasnt after a lot of really really hard nights,

and not talking for quite a while.

and i really doubt any letter i wrote had anything to do with it..

 

but since he broke off with you,

spilling your feelings wont make him feel anything but bad....

he didnt care enough about your feelings to stay with you,

so writing them in a letter will either fall on deaf ears or

push him farther away....

oh yeah, and dont expect any sort of response back.

but do it if you've got feelings bubbling up inside of you..

it does make you feel better to an extent.

[Cindersam]

I understand how you are feeling. I just recently (after 6 months) had the "closure" talk with my ex and was able to say things that I felt I had done to lead up to the break up. It was the first time I hae seen him in 6 months and we got along really well (which of course made me miss him even more). I even asked if there was any way we could ever try again - to learn from what didn't work in the past and move forward. I aked that he not answer me right away as I want him to think about it before he does.

 

My point is that I think the conversation went well for 2 reasons. First it had been such a long time that I had plenty of time to figure out what I think happened and where my faults lay in that. (I don't recommend taking as long as I did but maybe a little more time). Also my emotions had settled down from what they were in the beginning so that made the conversation more pleasant instead of emotional.

 

Second, since my emotions were under control I made sure to use a lot of "I" statements and not blame things on him. Yes I think we both had our faults and I do not take all the responsibility on myelf but for the sake of this talk I just let him know what I as feeling and what I think I did wrong. I did not blame or accuse him which I think would have been detrimental to us getting back together.

 

My advice is that you let him know how you feel but carefully by using "I" statements and then you must leave it alone. It is then up to him and he has to decide if he wants a 2nd chance.

 

I feel really good aboiut the taklkI had with my ex and about asking if there was any chance that we can move forward. I said what I had to say but in a nice unemotional way. Now the ball is in his court. I will not contact him again (I was the one who asked him if he would meet with me). He needs to want to try again or it won't work. If he wants to try he knows where to find me.

 

I think you need to say what you feel or else it will always bother you that you didn't. Just be careful how you say it. No blaming or arguing. Also no begging or pleading. THen you need to let it go and go NC. It's the only way you will heal. If he wants to try he knows where to find you.

 

Good luck!

[SuperDave71]

asiu,

 

 

Write a letter...say everything you feel no matter how long and then tuck that letter away.

 

 

Don't write a letter to him...write it to yourself.

 

 

I also disagree with your mother. I am sure her advice is 100% loving and means the best for her daughter. Writing has a theraputic sense to it. Put your emotion on paper. DO NOT WRITE A LETTER TO GIVE TO YOUR EX.

 

When a break occurs, MOST people are of course sorry it didn't work out. Think of it as a silent agreement between you both.

 

I agree with you 100% on "you can't do it for him." Realize that you can only work on you right now. I know it can be hard to reflect back sometimes but do your best to stay strong and be you.

 

Be you, the individual, that needs to learn from your experience.

 

Keep it one day at a time....and hold your head up!!

 

 

Tomorrow is a new day......

 

 

Smile.....

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[kiama]

mmm... this is tricky. Cos nobody really knows exactly how it is between two people... but the above comments are true... to an extent.

 

I would, if i were you, keep strong like you have been, and keep with your no contact like you have been doing. After all... why exactly is he texting you really? you dont know.

 

It could very well be that he ONLY wants to know how youre doing, and that if you respond by saying 'good' or 'fine'... that eases his own guilt that he is no doubt feeling. Most of the time when people dump people, and then contact them, or want to be friends, etc... its for their own personal needs. Its most likely to make them feel ok... to make them feel better... Dumpers do believe it or not also have feelings, and they do hurt... although thats just what happens anyway... for dumpers and dumpees.

 

Every dumper and every dumpee WILL HURT, to an extent... maybe the dumpee more... obviously, but they BOTH do hurt.

 

This is the only thing you have to be weary of right now. He is probably trying to reassure himself that hes done the right thing, by knowing your 'ok', and if you say your not... he may then ignore you for a while... feel a bit of guilt... wait, contact you again... see if youre now ok.... etc....

 

So stick to not replying to his texts and emails...

 

But do write a letter. But be careful, cos people tend to just spill so much out when they write.

 

Write a letter, like the others have said, that is just that... a letter. Maybe tell him you apologise for not replying to his messages, but really, you dont see the point. Tell him your fine, that yes, of course, you were taken by surprise by it really ending, and that you would have liked to have worked things out, but at the end of the day, youre also fine with letting him go. And that if that is the case, he must respect that, and tell him, if he wants to contact you, it must be because he wants to sort things out, otherwise, you dont want to remain 'friends', you wish him all the best... Lay it out on the table, in a confident, and positive manner.

 

And leave it at that. He will then know that YOU are serious. And that will make him think hard. Dont expect him to come running back at all. But if anything is going to make him think seriously about what he has lost, it will be this.

 

I hope it all works out for you... and stick to what youre doing. i admire your strength. youve done extremely well.

 

so keep it up. and always think positively, that way, you will live a positive life, with or without him... remember, its all in the mind really! You choose to be happy or not... you are the only thinker in your mind, and every thought you have, you created!

 

So always remember that! You have the most amazing gift, and that is being in control of your own mind... So by being positive, and strong and looking after your body, only good will come your way....

 

xxxx

 

Keep it up girl!

[asiu]

thank you for all the comments, they've really helped. my mom has given me further advice these days and they are closer to what has been suggested up here.

 

i think the way im going is to let him know what I as feeling and what I think I did wrong without being over apologetic or accusing.

 

although i have one question. i know there are some misunderstandings between us about a few topics and i think is one of the reasons he's holding himself back from me. should i clarify on those few points before i walk away or write this message without mentioning those at all? wil that have a negative effect in our situation?

[Cindersam]

I think it depends on what the misundertandings are and how you address them. if you can address them without blaming him (even if he is to blame) and just let him know your part of the misunderstandings then it should be o.k.. When I met with my ex we talked about some misunderstandings and I was very surprised at some of the things I had "assumed". If you can address the misunderstandings by just telling him how you feel without putting any guilt or blame on him then go ahead. If you can't then it is best to wait. If he contacts you at some point in the future and wants to reconcile you can address them at that point.