Why is she calling me after 2 months of NC???

[houdini]

I need some input and I hope I can get a better insight from you all so that I can get a clear head and sort out this mental confusion I have.

 

 

My breakup stats: Been together for 5yrs, broke up in january which at the time we were in a LDR. Her reason for breaking up (I fell out of love, I want to be alone, I need some space) For the first few weeks I did all the usual breakup mistakes (beg,cried,professed my love etc.) This did nothing so after coming to this site and finding what you all call here "NC" I immediately went NC as of February 19th and did not call, email or text message her even though we have a child together. I kept contact with my son as much as possible considering we live 450 miles away.

 

 

My problem:

 

During my time of NC after the first few weeks of NC she emailed me to say thanks for sending our son money on a regular basis and for sending her daughters small notes and a little money to go to the movies or something. I didnt respond to her email and the next few weeks she emailed again to say thanks and again I did not respond. Afte about 2 months of NC she called me at work which was unexpected and again her reason was to say thanks for sending money and birthday gifts for our son and for what I do for her daughters (Her daughters dad is not in their lives). Our talk was short and to the point and she did get a bit choked up at the end. A week later she called again to ask if she could baptize our son and needed my consent to go to classes for the baptism, I told her I would send a letter and sign it and give her consent.

 

During this second phone call she mentioned that she had heard I moved on and was a bit taken back by it (she admitted) and said when her sister told her she saw me at the mall with another girl my ex said "It's to soon!!!!,a few weeks ago he was crying, begging saying how much he loves me etc." I basically told my ex during this phone call that it hasnt been easy and that if her sister seen me with another girl I dont know how could that be cause I basically just go to work and come home. The phone call never turned into a fight and it was a civil, nice phone conversation.

 

Now, the 3rd phone call was just this past friday and she called again to explain the letter of consent she needed and the one I sent her that she received on friday needed to be notarized and she also wanted to explain that she didnt meant she wanted to baptize our son alone and that she would want me there. I told her I would try and be there but emotionally it was tough because of my feelings for her, my ex told me why I felt this way if I had moved on!!! Again, I told her I'm not in a relationship but I do have friends and besides it shouldnt matter if I move on or not because she didnt want me, told me she fell out of love with me etc... My ex's response to this: I "thought" I felt like I fell out of love, and she says you can't flip a switch and stop loving someone and how could I just move on so quickly..I told her you're right, you can't fall out of love overnight and you never stop loving someone. I told her I'm in no way ready to get into another relationship because of how I feel and it would only be a rebound if I were to jump into a relationship again.

 

In our conversation my ex told me basically what she's been doing the past few months, she hates her job and wants a new one (she had received a promotion in january and she thought it was the best thing EVER!) She says she says that she hasnt jumped into another relationship, she goest to school one night a week, goes to the gym, works on saturdays so her days fly by. She went on to say that it's hard with our son and that she wishes I was closer!!!! I told her what do you want me to do move back!!....her response "YES"...she then paused and said no, you're happiness is there.

 

Throughout the conversation she would bring up the "new girl", how hard it was with our son,she wished I was closer,would bring up why we didnt do more things when we were together,also brought up that she isn't dating, and that it was a emotional day for her and started to cry because of how I am wiht the kids and she likes that considering her ex lives in the same town and doesnt see his daughters. She asked me how come I never did these things when we were together. I told her it's not that I didnt want to or didnt care or love them cause I do, I told her my mistake was taking you and the kids for granted and focusing on my job so that I can provide for them so they can move to my state.

 

OUr conversation ended up good and we said our goodbyes and she said she was sorry for bringing up my personal life and she had just been wondering why I would tell her months ago that I would wait for her when ever she was ready to talk but not she heard that I moved on. I told her what did you expect me to do wait until I'm a 100yrs old for you to come arround???? no response from her! and I said thanks for calling and if she needed anything to call.

 

 

I know it's long, sorry!!! but I'm confused right now because I get the feeling she wants to get back together but wants me to initiate it even though I told her I still love her and hinted that 2nd chances do happen and sometimes it's better if both parties recognize the mistakes they made that caused the relationship to end.

 

What do I do? should I just take a risk and ask her if she wants to try again? The girl she has been refferring to is a good friend and she's helped me a lot and my family likes her but my feelings do not go above "friendship" and she knows this. I love my ex and would love nothing more than to reconcile but I'm afraind to make myself vulnerable and throw my heart out to her again only for her to throw it back in my face.

 

It just seems to me that she's regretting her decision and 2nd guessing her feelings because she was on a "high" back in january thinking life will be great alone whch come to find out now..it's not!!!! Any advice please feel free to share, I want to contact her and ask if she'd like to spend mothers day weekend together with me and the kids but not sure if I should or not in fear of rejection. My ex is stubborn and if she feels she doesnt deserve a 2nd chance she'd suffer the pain and let it be without fighting for it...she's not a fighter and she gives up easily. So should I be the savior "again" and see if she'd like to spend time together?????

 

 

Thanks everyone

 

Houdini

[Wandering_Sword]

I think you're postulating and really I don't think it is a good idea to bring up reconciliation. I would recommend her making the first positive sign. Right now it seems that she is making attempts to establish some sort of relationship with you but not of the kind that you want.

Of course, you know better than me because you're actually there living it but at the same time your emotions are tied up in this deep. If you truly feel strongly about it and the negatives won't set you back then by all means say something. I never liked the idea of living life with regrets anyways

But I truly recommend that you let this progress a little more before thinking that she wants reconciliation.

 

Andy

[Puckdog27]

Maybe just go to the baptism with no expectations and see how it turns out.

[houdini]

Update!!

 

Well today I fell off the NC wagon so to speak because for the first time in over 2 months I was the one the initiated contact after her recent phone calls took me for a spin. Her last phone call this past friday had many hints of that she still cared and was feeling emotional and even cried a bit. I read into it to much and maybe she was just having a bad day.

 

Well today I emailed her, we both said our apologies for the mistakes we both made in the relationship and I'm sad to say that right now I feel like I've been kicked back to day 1 of our breakup. I've cried today like I did in the first week of our breakup. I feel lost, confused and angry that I let my guard down and had hope that she'd say "let's work things out" That didnt happen of course, in her emails she sounded thoughtful but never hinted at working things out. I don't know what to do but I feel like a failure, like I've given her every bit of power and strength I've gained over the past 2 months.

 

Why did she have to call, why did she have to say the things she said to me and make me feel as if there was a glimmer of hope????? I love this woman and why can't she see how much hurt she's put me through??? Maybe she only called to see if I still cared and if the girl I've been talking to had a hold on me, when she seen that I still love her (my ex) it seems like she changed her attitude.....

 

What can I do to regain what I've worked so hard at achieving these past 2 months? what can I do to get my power and strength back that she took away from me???

 

 

Houdini

[Wandering_Sword]

Go back to NC. You called, realized your mistake and hopefully you learned from it. Start NC again and don't fall for or over-analyze the situation for what it is. By and large people won't listen to the advice on this board and will go about their activities based on their "knowledge" of the ex or their emotions, which is fine because usually the best lessons learned are the mistakes that we make and have to force ourselves to correct.

Don't worry about the whole "power" thing. Learn from this and hopefully the same mistakes won't be repeated.

I have said this many times and advocate it, if they want back in they will say so and if they don't, you won't know about it anyways. So either way you have to heal and take care of yourself first.

[houdini]

Thanks WS,

 

I knew I'd hear from you!!!!....As you and many others (superdave) I have to keep putting myself first like I have been doing the past few months. My ex through out a line and I bit on the bait. How do I handle another contact from her? what if it's small talk, friendly talk? I don't want anything to do with this woman if it's anythng less than reconciling, atleast for right now..maybe later we can be friends but right now it's to hard for me.

 

What do I do next time she calls or emails me? Do I ignore the contact? or if she calls me unexpectedly and I answer what do I say? Do just make it clear that we shouldnt talk unless it's about our son or if it's about getting back together?

[melrich]

What do I do next time she calls or emails me? Do I ignore the contact? or if she calls me unexpectedly and I answer what do I say?

 

Just email her now and tell her not to contact you anymore.

[Wandering_Sword]

Thanks WS,

 

I knew I'd hear from you!!!!....As you and many others (superdave) I have to keep putting myself first like I have been doing the past few months. My ex through out a line and I bit on the bait. How do I handle another contact from her? what if it's small talk, friendly talk? I don't want anything to do with this woman if it's anythng less than reconciling, atleast for right now..maybe later we can be friends but right now it's to hard for me.

 

What do I do next time she calls or emails me? Do I ignore the contact? or if she calls me unexpectedly and I answer what do I say? Do just make it clear that we shouldnt talk unless it's about our son or if it's about getting back together?

 

Like I said, you're not alone in this

I agree with what melrich suggests, but if you have to absolutely talk to her or appear not to be rude, keep it focussed on whatever topic and make sure it does not stray into the territory of your personal life. Do not talk about your personal life or feelings. This is where you'll have to be on constant guard keep those internal censors on!), and what I can gather about you is that you will get on the roll of talking to her and completely forget that she caused you all this pain and "forgive" her for duration of the conversation and spill your guts. Don't worry I'm not admonishing you; who can fault a guy in love But I will admonish you for willing to endure all this from a woman that has left you in the doldrums.

Like I said, if talking to her is too much or you can't handle it, just cut it short and say you have to go. I would personally go with not talking to her unless it is about the kids and nothing else.

[lady00]

I'm confused. I thought there were kids involved. If so, how can you do NC?

[houdini]

Thanks Melrich and WS,

 

I hear you both loud and clear and I had been doing so good the months of NC, even though I had many bouts of wondeirng what she's doing, thinking etc atleast I know now she atleast thought about me enough to call me. I will go back into NC and I feel maybe this is what I needed (a reminder)that she hasn't changed and if she wanted to work things out she would say so, I gave her many opportunities to speak her mind and her feelings and she never once did other than being apologetic...Below is our conversations in our emails yesterday, please take it easy on me I know that I may have been to forthcoming with my emotions but she really suckered me in. Maybe her initiating contact was to test the waters to see how much the new girl had a hold on me and as soon as my ex realized that even though I've dated she knows that I still love her and that is what's given her strength to continue on without me???? Anyhow, below is our email conversation yesterday, what do you all think?

 

PS. Lady00 We have a son together and I do keep in touch with him and plan on a visit real soon, we live 450 miles away from eachother. He lives in another state and it's quite difficult to see him but I do however call his grandmother to keep in touch with him.

 

Our email conversation yesterday:

 

Houdini:

I wanted to thank you for calling the other day, it means a lot to me to

know that you appreciate what I try and do for the kids.

 

Houdini's Ex:

I really do appreciate what you do and I feel I always did give you

credit for the little things you did even though you told me Friday

that I didn't. I feel I did. I know when you lived here, a lot had

happened and it wasn't the best circumstances. I've learned that life is not

meant to be perfect and it will always be full of obstacles but things

work out if people stay on the same team, run the same race, and always

give 100%. I guess it's never too late to say I'm sorry, for my

mistakes and for not doing enough.

 

Houdini:

I thought you might have been busy but I want you to know that I

appreciateyou, I admire you, and I envy you for the person that you are. You areone

of the strongest women I know and that was what attracted me to you the

most besides your beauty. The time apart from eachother really put things in

perspective on what mistakes I made, what I could have done differently

and most of all just how important you and the kids are to me.

I hope you didnt take what I said on our phone conversaton on friday in

a wrong way. I didn't mean to point fingers at anyone I was was only

voicing my feelings and how I felt at times when I lived there. You make a good

point in that it is never to late to say sorry so I will tell you that

I'm sorry for the mistakes I made and for taking our relationship for

granted and for not being a better partner for you and the kids.

You're right in the fact that life has so many obstacles, it seems like

we both have had to endure a road with many many obstacles and we still

kept on fighting and holding on for as long as we could... I feel that as your

partner during our relationship I let you down, I wasn't a good team

mate and when you needed me the most I let you down....We learn from our

mistakes and the only thing I can say is...again..I'm sorry....

I also wanted to thank you for the memories and despite the things we

and I have said that weren't very nice....I do cherish the good memories, the

laughs, the talks, the quiet moments together when nothing was said at

all but so much was said in our touch...

What will the future hold, is the race over and I've lost????.......I

guess thats the question I keep asking myself over and over again......

 

Houdini's Ex:

Thank you for your sweet and kind words, you bring tears to my

eyes and a huge knot to my throat (you know I'm a whimp). I never knew

how you really felt for me inside. I always felt that I wasn't good

enough. I've made a lot of mistakes too and said things that were not

very nice, and I'm sorry for that too. I also believe we did share some

good laughs and very special moments that to me meant the world.

 

Houdini's Ex:

I have to go cover the intake area because we are short staffed again.

Enjoy your day!

 

Houdini:

Don't cry, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate you. I wanted you to knowh that I miss you all and I miss my son soooooooo much. Do you think you would be scared to meet in person and talk?

 

 

As of that last email from me I have heard nothing back from her.

 

 

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this again..i knonw it's long!

[houdini]

**Update**

 

She wrote me back, this is what she wrote...she didnt mention anything about my question to her about seeing eacother in person to talk...why is she doing this and why is she not saying anything of how she feels...this is what she wrote:

 

Good Morning,

 

Sorry I didn't get back to you but I was so busy that I didn't get to my

desk until it was time to go. I want to look for something else real

soon. I have meetings this morning and plenty of files to work on.

It's never ending. I also have class tonight. I hope all is well for

you. Have a great week.

 

P.S. Your son talks about his daddy all the time and shows off the picture

of his sisters.

[Wandering_Sword]

What did I say about over-analyzing?!? You're doing it again!!! She responded and she talking to civilly and mentioning your son, which is really all that should be on your mind. You have to stop jumping to conclusions or wishing for more then what is there.

You are now re-establishing contact after a period of NC and all of a sudden you want her to start fawning and tripping all over herself to get to you? Stop being so clingy and just step back for a moment.

 

For the past couple of months you were worried that she forgot about you and how she ripped your heart out, even though we kept telling you that she did not forget you and not to worry. And she would contact you if she wants to, in the meantime you were supposed to work on yourself (the most important aspect of all of this).

Now when she contacts you (finally), you get all jittery and wonder what you should do. You respond and she responds and so forth.

With the last post you're wondering why she didn't respond to your request and what she is doing...

 

You have come a long way from NC to civil communication. Overthinking this will ruin everything and I mean EVERYTHING. You will come accross as being needy and desperate even if you don't say anything there will be an element of you that comes off as being this way.

 

Now step back and take a deep, deep breath. Stop wishing and the over thinking, carry on with your life as if she never talked to you and be calm.

You HAVE to start thinking like Fonzie. Remember Fonzie...

[houdini]

WS,

 

I remember fonzie...lol. As a kid he was my idol so it's funny that you say that. I know what you mean and I'm going to pick up where I left off, I'm not going to let this woman tear me down like she did before. I worked so hard to get to where I'm at and even though this was a minor setback I'm going to get through this much quicker.

 

I'm done analyzing her responses and right now I don't want to hear from her cause I know what her motives are now. I just hope she is a bit more considerate towards my feelngs and my heart and if she contacts me to keep it about my son. Who knows though but as of now I dont expect ot hear from her again!

 

Back to NC, deeeeeeeeep NC!!!!!

 

 

Houdini

[Wandering_Sword]

It's good that Fonzie will be the inspiration and you'll take a few things from him. But you have to stop blaming the ex for some of the hurt you are going through. For example, from your last email conversation I saw no hints of her leading you on or acting inappropriately. She made her apologies and essentially followed the advice I was giving you; keeping things simple and about the children. I could see she was trying to keep alot of the personal stuff out of the conversation.

Like I said, let things stand as it is and keep your composure. I know its difficult in light of the way you still feel towards her, but let her be herself and discover what she wants and you concentrate on you and the boy. Those should be the only things on your mind.

[houdini]

WS, I understand but and I know I need to stop analyzing things. I'm trying my best to do so it's just hard not to. I know she had her reasons for leaving and I don't blame her for that, everyone deserves to be happy. I guess this whole time during NC was to hopefully get stronger emotionally but at the same time hope that she realizes what she's doing and letting go. In our emails yesterday she did as you said and that was avoid anything to emotional but during our phone conversation she did the opposite, she cried, told me she wanted me to move back but then rettracted that statment and pretty much told me everything BUT "I love you and want you back" to me it's just a head game and I'm tired. So thank you WS and the others I will go back to doing what I've been doing and take care of myself I just hope when she contacts me again it's only about my son and nothing else, I can't take anymore setbacks!!!

 

 

Houdini

[Wandering_Sword]

I know its painful now and I can see from the hurt that contact is not a good thing for you. The fact that you were expecting (?) her to say I love you on the phone during her emotional upheaval leads me to think that you are still expecting her to turn around. I think by and large you understand what you have to do to heal and understand what is going on, but the expectation that the ex will realize her mistakes and turn everything around is basically pummelling you into the ground. Nothing wrong in hoping the ex will turn it around and tell you all the things you want to hear; after all in times of despair it is the hope that drives us through it, but trying to expect or guarantee an outcome in your favour, especially where we cannot control the factors is close to being destructive as it gets. I hope this helps in understanding what I see and the only expectations you should have are the ones where you see yourself happy with your son, with or without the ex.

[andy5128]

Hi Houdini

I feel for you man..

Take WS's advice as he's spot on. I screwed up recently and made contact after some NC time we met up had a nice time and then I pushed for more and I got the pull from her and I feel I'm back to square one.. So carry on as you were. She remembers you and dont forget that but stay strong and keep doing as you were doing.. Don't do what I did and take a few nice words etc as a hint to move in and then boom the grenade goes off and your stunned and back to round 1 again..argh..! LOL

[houdini]

Thanks everyone,

 

Yes I am very hurt and I can see what you all mean by letting her contacts smash me in the ground and back to square one. I feel like emailing her because I'm hurt and just telling her to not contact me anymore unless it's about our son and to understand that my feelings and my heart come first and to let me be so that I can focus on moving on and doing whats best for my son. Should I email her or just let it be? I don't want her thinking she can come in my life and shake things up when she wants and leave me there a mess to pick up the pieces again, thats what she's done and I dont want it to happen again.

 

Houdini

[andy5128]

If there has to be contact because of your son but the heartache of the contact is getting to you then I would say yes be clear to her about this. Just do it in a to the point and platonic way, so make the email or whatever contact you choose brief and too the point. Maybe leave it a little while though until you have a clear head..

[Wandering_Sword]

Let it be. No more emails or phone calls wondering about this or that. If she contacts you again, just keep the conversation nice and narrow and you can't go wrong. Know your limitations and if it gets too much cut the conversation short. Other then that, no more looking into her words or contacting her in any way, shape or form. Relax and take it easy. Did you ever see the Fonz freak out? Well, maybe when he was eating liver but by and large he was cool. A real cool cat he was...

[houdini]

ok, gotcha...I'm going to just put it to rest "AGAIN" and let it be. This really sucks!!!! why do breakups have to be such a game, why can't two people just work out their differences and work together!!! I'm emotionally drained from all this and I just wish it would all go away now!!!!

 

Thank you everyone!!

[Dr.Amore]

Well im upset with you bro for calling but i know our emotions get the best of us. Iv heard this quote hear and i will say it again "dont let the same dog bit ya twice".

 

You have a kid so i know its a little different but hang in there the right one will come along when the time is right. Im on 3 months of NC and dam it feels great im getting to feel better. But we all have our days so i will pray for you and hope it all works out.