King5 Posted May 4, 2007 Share Posted May 4, 2007 Quick backdrop We go married when we were young, 22 & 21 This year we celebrate 10 years and we have a 6yr old and 3 yr old After year two, she cheated on me with a guy from her college...we separated for 6 months, went through counciling, and emerged on the other side Sad to say, after all this time, I had never really trusted her again. Well, I cam accross some odd text messages on her cell phone while going through pix emailed to her from my mother. "Patience? I don't want to wait..." I then got into her email and find her going back and forth with another guy. Forward message after forward message, some more forward then others. Do you like this...I like this..stuff like that. I find out this guy has 3 kids, been married for 16 years, and lives about 5 miles from us. My job keeps me out of town now 3 days a week... Her last email is contrite to him, that this needs to end that it was a mistake and thankfully they didn't cross that line. 1) I am beyond enraged 2) How in the world can I go to my office next week nowing this is 3) I have NO trust for this woman now...I am at a loss and crushed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doyathink Posted May 4, 2007 Share Posted May 4, 2007 Have you brought this up to her yet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locke2121 Posted May 4, 2007 Share Posted May 4, 2007 Her last email is contrite to him, that this needs to end that it was a mistake and thankfully they didn't cross that line. Thats the important thing...they DIDN'T cross the line. They did have an affair, emotional affairs are often even more intense that physical ones. But don't lay all the blame on her. I had never really trusted her again And she picked up on it I'm sure. Day in and day out, knowing that she was never able to gain your trust...imagine the strain. My job keeps me out of town now 3 days a week Exhausting. How often do the two of you go out? Once a week...a month? She is alone a good portion of each month..no attention...she needed it and found it. BUT, she didn't cross that physical line, and wants to stop. She still loves you, and doesn't want to ruin the relationship any further. Credit where credit is due. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted May 4, 2007 Author Share Posted May 4, 2007 I haven't spoken to her about it yet...to be honest this happened two days ago I've been sick top my stomach and can't really think about anything. Nothing was done, but I have stepped up right after I found this stuff. I told her I was jealous of the time she is spending chatting with our "attorney" and that even though I know she thinks he is very funny it is affecting me. She responded that there was no attraction what so ever and he was just a friend. which sadly the emails clearly detail is not the case. We go out, with friends, a few times a month and we try and hit a movie now and then. We could go out more, but sadly don't.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locke2121 Posted May 4, 2007 Share Posted May 4, 2007 We go out, with friends, a few times a month and we try and hit a movie now and then. We could go out more, but sadly don't.. Going out with friends isn't the same as the two of you going out. Women NEED to be made to feel special. One of the best ways is, at LEAST four times a month, to take her to do something nice. It could be a candle-lit dinner, a dance, a romantic movie, a walk in the moonlight. It could be as simple as wine and cheese in front of a fireplace with romantic music playing. Women NEED this attention. If they don't get it from their partners..well, you see what can happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted May 4, 2007 Author Share Posted May 4, 2007 maybe this was a blessing in disguise....hopefully Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locke2121 Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 It can be, if handled properly. Affairs are usually a good sign that something is SERIOUSLY wrong in the relationship. Emotional affairs are usually all about attention. The two of you need to set down and have a no-holds-barred conversation about what is wrong and how to fix it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 Although I can understand your shock and hurt I think it's a good thing that she recognized that going in that direction was wrong and she put a stop to it before anything physical happened. If after the first affair you felt you could not trust her- what made you stay? Did you both go to therapy? Perhaps now is the time to initiate that- and find a therapist that works for you. If you don't trust her, she is going to know that, and wonder what the point is or why you are even together. And I wonder for you how healthy things have been while you feel you cannot even trust your wife either. Getting past an affair is not easy. It is painful, difficult, and require alot of work from both parties, and that includes work from you to begin to trust her again as she works to earn it. That has to happen if you expect to stay together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted May 5, 2007 Author Share Posted May 5, 2007 I think it is about attention...at least I hope it is. My job gave me a transfer I couldn't say no to and that requires me to be about 200 miles away 3 workdays a week. I knew it was tough on her but i didn't think it was this rough. This transfer also put a tad bit more stress on me as I now am working more infront of the executives and normally working about 55-65 hours a week, with work late into the evenings and on weekends... We did go through about 6 months of counciling, group and individual...I think I went back first because I was raised a certain way with beliefs that you do not walk away from marriage no matter what. Very conservative, i know. I was thinking at first to work with the therapist my company provides for family issues Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locke2121 Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 Can you transfer back..or closer to home? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 Perhaps if you are not feeling as though things were ever really resolved, another go at counseling is a good idea. What do you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted May 5, 2007 Author Share Posted May 5, 2007 1) can't transfer back...my position was disolved in this location 2) I am totally open to going to couciling with my wife...I think at first I may want to go first to see if my trust issues can be resolved.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabican Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 4) You have every right to be beyond enraged. 5) Kick her to the curb 6) If she loved you, and respected you this wouldnt have happened the first time, let alone again, and who knows how many more times inbetween what you found now, and the first time. End it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 I think that is an excellent idea. Especially if you feel that this may have been more to do with your inability to forgive and let go, than your wife's efforts at earning back your trust. But couple's counseling when you are complete is a good idea too- her behaviour with the other man- even though it did stop short of a physical affair, was still disrespectful of your marriage, and with her previous history I'd want to nip this in the bud right away before it becomes something more concerning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabican Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 Good luck to you... but Ill say this. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. You are on your way to #3 now. If this is the way she handles problems, lack of attention, not enough time with you, not enough 'dates' etc. you are in for a lifetime of heartbreak. While all of those issues may not be good, and may be hard for her... then are NOT EXCUSES, and are not good reasons to cheat... not that there is one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted May 5, 2007 Author Share Posted May 5, 2007 Nice....just saw this I think you and I are stupid. Very very very stupid. Volumes of textbooks could be written chronicling and categorizing our stupidity. I don't know quite how this happened but you and I somehow mangaed to stumble down the wrong path. Now we have a very small window of opportunity to rectify the situation. As I can see it we have two options. One, we break off all contact. We stop emailing and texting and just disappear out of each other's lives much like the way we suddenly appeared. OR. Two, we can just stop being stupid. The reality of the situation is this. Neither you nor I have any real intention of damaging our lives, marriages, etc. Really think about this for a minute. It's a fun and games for about a minute, but what do you really know about me? Not much. And I don't know you, not really. I don't want to feel guilty for talking to you. I really like you. If I've mistaken that for feeling something else, I'll deal. But it's more important to me not to do or say something I'm not capable of backing up. I'm sorry. So sorry for any disrespect I've shown to you and your marriage. It was never my intention. I have nothing but respect for you. I think you're amazing. I don't know why we click as well as we seem to do. I guess I can't understand everything. What I do understand is that I want to have you in my life and the only way I can do that is to get off the path we've been going down and get a grip on reality. I hope you're ok with that because I'd really hate to not have you in my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 Sounds similar to the situation I am in then (minus the fact to my knowledge my wife never cheated physically on me in the past). But from my understanding of the situation, my wife is "trying" to actually be plutonic friends with someone she professed her love to a month ago (along with statements of sexual desires). I think both of our wives probably are playing with fire and realize they are playing with fire however for whatever reason, think they can control this fire after they already let it burn them... I don't know if I have the great solution - I have personally been working my own esteem and strength up, which has been seeming to get my wife to be closer to me than she has for years.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted May 5, 2007 Author Share Posted May 5, 2007 Solarist...thank you...that might be an avenue.... How are yhou holding up?...we're actually the same age you and I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted May 7, 2007 Author Share Posted May 7, 2007 Him but it sure sounded like you were enjoying confusing me! Her: I'm not. I was kidding. It's just nice to know that we're just talking. It takes the pressure off. I feel more relaxed. I can just enjoy you and "this".??Him you are really just toying with me? That makes me feel nice. Her not I guess. But it was fun to confuse the hell out of you for a while.??Him we'll talk and wait and see. Ok?? I think you are smart, funny, beautiful, and fun. Its that simple. I don’t “do this all the time” and not even sure what this is. We are talking. I think you are pretty special and a ton of fun. I think you are probably an amazing lover. I think your husband is one lucky man and should be showing you that all the time. But, it doesn’t matter what I think. If you want to stop, we can stop. No one is asking you to take a huge leap of faith for anyone. If your marriage is good, that is great. I am very happy for you. If you want something else, that is fine too. But, I am still confused as to what you want. I thought we were talking. You just happen to be one of the prettiest women I have talked to, but we have only talked. Heck, I haven’t even met you in person yet! J Her: What do I want? It doesn't really matter because I'm no position to answer. How do I say or type what I want? I can't just come out and say yes, I want you. It comes with all kinds of really awful consequences. I'm sorry if this isn't the answer you were looking for. I don't know how to do this. Even if I said yes, I want more. What does that mean? Are you ready to take that step forward? I guess that's what I really wanted to know. I thought if I said we should just stop then I would be able to just stop. I'm finding that really hard. Have you thought about getting caught for this? Because I have. And it doesn't look pretty. I can't just take this huge leap of faith for you. I don't know what your marriage is like, but mine is ok. You said you weren't unhappy which makes me wonder why you would want to do this anyway. Why risk your marriage for someone you don't know? I'm also really curious as to if you do this all the time because you seem so calm and flippant about it whereas I am freaking out. Hubby will kill me and believe me he's already suspicious enough. I guess what I need to know is why do you want to cheat on your wife, with me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted May 7, 2007 Author Share Posted May 7, 2007 I had a confrontation with her today. He texted her today around 7:30 am and at lunch, after having read this email exchange, I called her on the fact that no friend texts another before 8:00. And she admitted that she knew he liked her, she said it made her feel sexy, but that she had no feelings like that at all to him. we spoke for another hour or so and she said later today that she had sent him an email telling him that they need to keep this a business relationship... Am I wrong or do I see something totally opposite... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabican Posted May 8, 2007 Share Posted May 8, 2007 I had a confrontation with her today. He texted her today around 7:30 am and at lunch, after having read this email exchange, I called her on the fact that no friend texts another before 8:00. And she admitted that she knew he liked her, she said it made her feel sexy, but that she had no feelings like that at all to him. we spoke for another hour or so and she said later today that she had sent him an email telling him that they need to keep this a business relationship... Am I wrong or do I see something totally opposite... Dude she needs to end ALL CONTACT with this guy. Not keep it business. It needs to end. She needs to bend over backwards, walk on hot coals, breathe water... whatever it takes to earn your trust. Shes doing none of those things. Why? Because she doesnt need to. She cheated on you. You took her back. Then she violated your trust again, and what did you do, nothing. You talked. Imagine if you had a 5 year old. And they burned down your house. The next time you caught them playing with matches, would you simply say "hey, put those away you shouldnt do that" No, you would EXPLODE! and make sure that never happened again. You need to dump your girl. BUt if you insist on giving this a 3rd chance then heres what you tell her. If you need attention from another man then we have a problem. That means one of two things. Either you are not ready to settle down with me and we should break up. Or, I am not fulfilling your desires, wants etc., in which case we shouldnt even be together because this is a big mistake. Which is it? Both cases lead to us breaking up, so you have to prove me wrong, and make a case for us staying together. From here out, your job is to prove to me that Im not making a mistake by staying with you. end of discussion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tgt Posted May 8, 2007 Share Posted May 8, 2007 Rabican is right on the spot here - you have to tell her that this is simply unacceptable and be willing to risk the end of the relationship to prevail in this situation. Please try his 3rd approach and let us know how it goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted May 8, 2007 Author Share Posted May 8, 2007 Well tomorrow I got ou tof town again until Thursday and will not see my wife until Friday night. I have a 4:00 appointment with a therapist to talk over a few things. I'm really glad I found this site...Whats killing me right now is my little girls. I just keep thinking about them and what it would take to keep them. I am also thinking about sending the emails over to the guys wife and see how that plays out. This guy has 3 boys, the oldest is a special needs kid, and a wife that he has been together with since he was 16. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locke2121 Posted May 8, 2007 Share Posted May 8, 2007 Do NOT send proof to the wife! I know you think she deserves to know, and she does, but in the end that could be the worse move you ever make! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted May 8, 2007 Author Share Posted May 8, 2007 nice...she told me yesterday that she was done talking with him and I just intercepted another email CHRIST I can't handle this I get into town to work for the next 3 days and I see a little girl waiting outside her house, maybe to go to school, and I can't handle it. I lost it...thinking about having a broken home with my two little girls. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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