asiu Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 so he broke up with me over the weekend. i flipped out. and he didn't change his mind. so far, we havent spoken again, but in the break-up-conversation, he said things didn't work out when they should have been perfect after our 2 almost break ups (most of it was my fault sadly. even when we talked things out, i couldn't follow through) so, he said we can still be friends and he will send some of my stuff back over summer (we're in college, and we were in a LDR while i was studying elsewhere this year). i want to go NC, but i feel i need a closure properly from my end since my flip out, i admit i still hope for reconciliation... he sent me an email of just some small talk. i haven't replied. so heres the question. HOW DO I START NC???? HERE ARE SOME THINGS I WANT TO SAY, SHOULD I SAY ALL OF THAT, or just say im sorry things didn't work out, i agree with you. thank you for the good times and i will respect your choice. then disappear for a while? the message i composed...2 versions I just want to sincerely apologize; I would have even if you didn’t choose to break up with me. I allowed the same unconstructive thoughts and action pattern to return. I’m sorry they overshadowed your actions and only emphasized our distance. I agree things should have been perfect but it’s a shame things didn’t work out at the time. I hear you on how you feel about me and our relationship. I didn’t necessarily want a serious relationship right now because I understood things can’t go any further with the long distance. I would just like to know the option was there for the future, but I won’t trap you. I appreciate your ethics and morality regarding relationships. I thank you and respect you for keeping this relationship light and fun just as I wanted at this time. thereforeeee, I will respect your choice. or I’m sorry; I was to apologize even if you didn’t resolve to split. I’m sorry for my unconstructive behavior that remained. I agree they should have been totally eliminated and things should have been perfect. It’s a shame things weren’t that way and I hear you on how you feel. I appreciate your ethics and morality regarding relationships. I thank you and respect you for keeping this relationship light and fun, it was appropriate at this time. thereforeeee, I will respect your choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bear12 Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 well, i think what you wrote (either version) is fine IF it's really how you feel... i mean, of course i wouldn't dispute the break up no matter what- you're right, he has made a choice and you have to respect it, but do you really want to "thank" him for keeping the relationship "light and fun?" is that how you really feel? i have the sense that you don't and you don't want to come of as insincere or only saying what he wants to hear... i'd also consider telling him that you'd like him to give you some space.. i know there are differeing opinions on whether or not you should tell your ex you're going NC, but i personally believe it's the right thing to do... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friscodj Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 Hey asiu- I strongly suggest you send that message, if that's how you really feel. Perhaps sit with it a few days, as new ideas may come to you and you may wish to change something before sending it. Then let him sit with it a few days and if you don't hear from him, I'd contact him and ask what he thought and felt about your message. If this opens up a dialog about a reconciliation, roll with it. If not, after having laid it out there to him like this, I think that is the closure you may need. If that is the case, tell him something to the effect of you are sorry about this, but you feel you need some time away to heal and get to a stronger place emotionally with the break up and will contact him again when you have done so. You guys can be friends again, but I think that best after you have really gotten past this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asiu Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 well. of course all of that isn't ENTIRELY how i feel. but isn't that what i should say to show i am 'letting go' instead of stating "i really really want you back". so, i still don't really know. which point should and shouldn't i say? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friscodj Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 You should sit with this for a few days and tell him what you want. You want to get back together so I say lay it out there. Do it for yourself if no one else, so you can look back and have no regrets with this if need be. Now is the time to lay it out there, from your heart, whatever is in there. Write this like it will be the last time you speak to him because it may be for a while. Don't flood it with feelings. Make clear and direct statements of how you feel, what you saw as going wrong in the relationship, your part in that, what you see as improvements, what you expect from him, what you want, what you don't want, and then let it ride... Figure out these things for yourself first, express them to him, then assess his reaction and either move forward or backward from this situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bear12 Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 well, i really don't want to tell you what to do!! i mean, you know him and you and what's best far more than i do!! i just personally believe in honesty... or maybe i should say i wouldn't advocate express lying (but lying by ommission would be okay!) so i think if it were me, i would apologize for the bad behavior, say i understood why he felt this was the right choice, say that you respect it and that you won't be contacting him for a while since you know that's what you need to move on and you hope he'll respect your wishes for that... but again, we're all different and you have to do what's right for you! i understand the temptation to try to do/say whatever it is that you think will maximize your chance of getting him back (trust me, i've SO been there), but i think at the same time you have to prepare yourself for the more likely outcome that that won't happen and think about what you need to help yourself move past this. and really, if you are one of the lucky ones who do get him back, i think you want to do it by being sincere in your interactions with him rather than by telling him whatever you think you should... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asiu Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 argggg. i want to lay it out to him. but if i lay out all the logic to him. won't it push him back to square 1 and think im trying to CONVINCE him? then he won't be convinced? i threw some of the stuff out when i was flipping the first time. he blocked it out, didn't think and just said 'stop convincing me i've made up my mind' things like that...so...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friscodj Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 You are correct asiu, convincing him is not the path to take. I have done that, written my way back into relationships by essentially talking her into being with me. Experience has told me this only leads to more break ups down the road... So focus on not trying to convince him. If you still have something to say, I would say it, as you said for your own closure, but focus on not trying to "write" him back. Speak objectively and focus on the situation vs. pouring on the emotions and sorrow for your mistakes. State what you saw, what solutions you see, state that you are open to talking about paths towards these solutions, then leave it at that. I don't think that is coercive in any way. Feel OK with letting it go, no pressure on either of you. Perhaps a few days might let the feelings settle a bit for both of you. The other benefit of writing something is that it can serve as a journal for you during your healing process. You might want to keep one here, in the "Journal" section of this site. And if you need to take some time away, tell him something to the effect of you are sorry about this, but you feel you need some time away to heal and get to a stronger place emotionally with the break up and will contact him again when you have done so. You guys can be friends again, but I think that best after you have really gotten past this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asiu Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 friscodj: sorry i have lots of questions, here's where the big picture is and i've made my obervations. if it helps. please give me more opinions on what and how to say some things... thank you for your support. it helps a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friscodj Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 Hi asiu- Thanks for the link, it tells me a lot... I think this is done. Once that switch is flipped, once he tells you explicitly it is over and tried hard to stay that course (as it sounds he is doing), there's nothing you can do. He wants out, he wants the exit. I suggest you let him go. And this isn't your fault. It sounds like the chemical reaction of your chemistry together fizzled and the relationship simply reached its expiration date. Everything in this world is on a timeline, some shorter, some longer than others. Sometimes there is no fault to be dispensed, nothing went "wrong" but things just don't line up, fit together, and work out. That's not "wrong", it can be viewed as technically "right" because you guys are just not built to fit together in the context of a longer relationship. So for you, now, your communication ought to be focused on the premise that he is gone and not coming back. Sit with this a bit, let it sink in, and if you still have things you really feel you need to get off your chest, I say do it. Think of it like unloading weight from your heart, cleansing the wounds of your heart so they can heal faster and more completely. You can always post here again with what you desire to say beforehand as well. At any rate, I would start writing whatever comes to mind in a journal. This site has a great journal section for that. Writing has always served as a good outlet for me and might be the same for you as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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