PocoDiablo Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Dude, your wife is nuts. Yeah, so things could be different, but if my wife was getting penis pictures from other guys, she'd be in trouble. Your wife is all kinds of wrong here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted July 3, 2007 Author Share Posted July 3, 2007 She, to my knowledge, didn't actually get any - however she was "jokingly" requesting one repeatively from the guy whom she says she fantasizes about when we are making love... so really, about just as bad.. I really really wish this counselor would call back - not sure how much longer I can hold out. And happy birthday to me - they were talking first thing this morning... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted July 4, 2007 Author Share Posted July 4, 2007 We had another argument last night, with my mother over. My daughter has been pretty much spending her whole day in her room playing her computer games (my wife decided to move her computer out of the common areas into her room) and my mother was saying she really should get out and socialize more (and I agree) and asked if she would like to do swimming or brownies or soccer or something that would get her around other kids. My wife insisted that my daughter would have absolutely no desire and that she did not want to be a soccer mom but rather a MILF. My mother asked what a MILF was - trying not to be too crude, I stated "a sexual idol for teenage boys". My wife of course got pissed - but I likewise was rather pissed that she is more concerned about "being a MILF" than being there for our kids. *sigh*. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted July 5, 2007 Author Share Posted July 5, 2007 Well, it's Thursday - weeee... back to work, not that I'll probably be able to do anything productive. I am pretty much a complete wreck. Still waiting for this counselor to give me a call back - I am thinking if she doesn't by this afternoon I'll move on and start war dialing the other 50-some in the area as the situation is extremely difficult and high tension at this point. I ended up getting about a whole 3 hours of sleep last night - whenever I would drift off I would hear the things she said to this guy echo through my mind or I'll wake in a panic, thinking he has come and visited. At this point, I feel barely functional; my mind can rarely leave the topic for more than a split second. I am smoking like crazy and my lungs are burning up - but it is one of my few comforts it seems and it is difficult to find the desire to quit when really you don't particularly care if you live or not. I talked to my mother a little about what is going on (she is a Psychologist, incidentally). Her only thoughts were that my wife became pregnant at an early age (17) and thus never really had the period of her life where dating was "light" and you played the field and now she is feeling the need to make up for lost time or something. Of course, the fact is she is now married with children and if this is really how she wants to live her life, that is fine, but she needs to let me know this (although I suppose her actions are in some ways). In many ways, it really seems like she seems oblivious to the fact that what she is doing isn't right. She keeps stating "I did nothing wrong!" when, well, I think pretty much anyone would agree what she did and is doing is wrong. I realize that I am not an angel - I do keep invading her privacy. I know I rationalize it when I do since my gut alarm goes off right before I do - and I basically always am finding something. I just don't get it. I don't see how she can justify asking (repeatively) to get a picture of this guys penis as a joke. Either she is brain dead and doesn't realize that this is, well, stupid. (and she isn't a stupid woman by any means), or it was "innocent flirting" and she doesn't give a crap about my feelings (which I doubt), or well, she is just continuing her affair and doesn't give a crap. Grrr.... I suppose I should try to get a little work done.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted July 5, 2007 Author Share Posted July 5, 2007 Well, after leaving messages on about 20 counselors' voice mail (and reaching one whom answer the phone with "Yo" - which I just said wrong number and hung up) I finally have an appointment set up for Monday. (*cheer*!!) - assuming my wife is successful at getting her mother to watch the kids... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PocoDiablo Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 Just so you know I'm still reading all this. It's good to see you moving forward. Be sure to remember that not all doctors are good, so if you don't walk out of the office and say "Wow, that was genius" shop around a little. I went to a psychologist for a while and he was so-so. Then I found another guy and he was AMAZING. So, be sure to get the best you can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted July 6, 2007 Author Share Posted July 6, 2007 Thank PocoDiablo - I'll definitely keep that in mind - I already rejected the "Yo" guy due to uncomfortability. I wish in some ways I could just keep going to my previous therapist with her - but I can understand how she would be more uncomfortable due to that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted July 6, 2007 Author Share Posted July 6, 2007 Well, I kind of had to throw a fit to get it, but we have a baby sitter for next Wednesday to actually be able to go out and spend some time together away from the kids and computers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted July 9, 2007 Author Share Posted July 9, 2007 Today is the first appointment for marriage counseling and I am quite nervous how it will go. It did seem this weekend she has put out quite an effort to spend time with me and we did do a lot of talking, both about our relationship and just general chit-chat, which was nice. I so hard try to trust her, but it seems I am constantly catching her in lies revolving around this guy. The most recent was her and this guy bought a hunk of virtual land together on a game and are building a nice little virtual house. I asked her Friday if she bought land with him - she said no. Saturday, noticing her account balance was low, I asked how she got so broke - she claimed she sold the money for $US - however since she has her paypal account hooked into an email account we share, I found out on Monday morning she actually bought a hoard of game money opposed to selling it. On Sunday, while she was showing me something she made, he ended up IM'ing her, reminding her how much her part of the "rent" was - which pretty much was solid evidence that of what I already knew. I asked her why she keeps lying to me - she at first said "I didn't - I just didn't tell you". I then reminded her of the direct questions I asked and her response was "You think everything I do is wrong" - which is becoming a quite common argument from her. I stated "No, I don't think everything you do is wrong - but lying definitely is". She indicates she lies about things revolving around him because she knows I would be upset... I tried to explain to her that how can I trust her, especially concerning him, if I keep finding out about lies - how can I trust anything she says about it. It just makes me wonder what else she is lying about. I indicated that at this point, she has lied to me at least a hundred times revolving around him - which she has. I tried to explain to her how I felt - how I am fearful of losing my job since I cannot concentrate at work; how my main comfort at this point is smoking, and I feel like absolute crud usually because I smoke so much at this point. I asked her again if he is still planning on coming - she said he is, but doesn't know when. My response to that was "That would be a really bad idea" - and left it at that - letting her imagination fill in the blanks. I need to go to work.. probably will update more later.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted July 9, 2007 Author Share Posted July 9, 2007 Nothing like having a marriage counselor call you before even your first appointment to state she is very doubtful she is able to help... Doesn't bode well... I am keeping the appointment, but I have my handy list of other options which I highly suspect will have to be used. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted July 9, 2007 Author Share Posted July 9, 2007 Well - just about to head out to our appointment.. Rather nervous to be honest but I know this is something that must happen... Hope it helps... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted July 10, 2007 Author Share Posted July 10, 2007 Well... I am not sure how it went, really. It believe the counselors main angle seems to be to get her out of the house and whatnot instead of spending all day on the internet chatting with this guy - which is definitely a good thing. But one thing really really confused me that my wife "revealed" during the session: She has not ever been sexually attracted to anyone. I am not sure how to take this. I am of course extremely skeptical of anything she says so perhaps I am looking at it overly negatively. But here is the thing - I met my wife when she was very young (17). At that point, she already had quite a few sexual partners (~20). She proclaims to be bi-sexual. I don't "get" how someone whom doesn't find anyone to be sexually attractive to have so many partners in such a small period of time nor how one could determine they are bi if they are not attracted to anyone. I don't understand how the person I have been with not ever being attracted to me. I don't understand why he is telling this OM how sexy he is. I don't understand her comments about other people she has said. It almost felt like she was just derailing the session with this. But if this is true, I don't want to scorn her telling the truth - but I have real hesitancy believing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted July 10, 2007 Author Share Posted July 10, 2007 Well, in my confusion and not being able to rationalize it in my head, I called the counselor regarding the not attracted to anyone part. She felt it was sincere but also agreed with my assessment I should not question it or really bring it up in conversation. I suppose I need to be patient - there obviously is a lot of things to untwine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted July 10, 2007 Author Share Posted July 10, 2007 Well - sent an email a while back to my wife, basically saying I had two absolutely solid boundaries that I will not go back on. The first was she needs to stop lying to me - I cannot take another one. The second was that there would be no plans or possibilities of them visiting each other until we both feel comfortable with it (or we end up breaking up). After waiting for about three hours for a response, I called home to see if perhaps she didn't get the email or something. The response I got was that she was just about to send a response, but she wanted to talk to him about it first and he agreed it would probably be best for him not to visit, so there is nothing to worry about. THIS TICKED ME OFF! This is bloody about me and her. Does all the freaking aspects of our relationship have to go through him? I don't think she understands. I asked what if he didn't agree and decided to take a vacation anyways? Her response was "Well, let's not worry about hypothetical situations now, shall we?". Seriously... am I nuts or would others be pissed..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PocoDiablo Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 I would be beyond upset - she just checked in with Daddy on what to do. Honestly, I am surprised you are still with her. Hey, did you ever pick up any of those books? I cannot recall if you did... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted July 12, 2007 Author Share Posted July 12, 2007 I did pick up "No more Mr. Nice Guy" - thinking I need to read it through again. Yup - I am pretty darn ticked off about it. Obviously it is something she would have to communicate to him about but I am rather pissed she felt she needed to beforehand. Furthermore, she didn't have "time" to discuss it at that point because she was in the middle of talk to, guess who. She sent an email saying that his grandmother is back in the hospital and she is trying to distract him from it which is why she didn't say why she had to go - as it turns out, she still had him on Skype during our conversation and it didn't occur to her to mute him (or just hang up). Yes, I am pissed. I am probably delusional and definitely in the short run I would be best off without her. On the other hand, I am trying to be patient and allow her to work out whatever is going through her head. She has a lot of the normal crap to deal with that anyone whom became a parent and wife at a extremely young age would have to deal with - their missing youth, the lack of life lessons and relationship dynamics, etc. She has lost her identity besides being a wife and mom - and she needs to recover this. In addition, she has probably enough past issues from childhood to send a therapist's child through college. Our counselor urges me to be patient while she deals with all this * * * * she has had trapped away. I am trying to be. I am trying to hold out hope as long as I can bare it. I keep hope that our family can remain together - I strongly feel our children need both the mother and father influences to be balanced folks - I think much of our society issues is due to this lack of constant influence - too many kids are being raised by daycare centers and teachers whom are too burnt out to give a darn. Things are, in some ways better. While they are still talking a bloody lot and she seems to have to include him in decisions that he should not be included on she has been making strives to spend more time with me and the kids. She has been starting to open up to me emotionally again - and it is a struggle to be there and not close her back up since often I don't "like" what I hear her say. She also has been starting to talk to more people online so it is not exclusively him all the time. Mind you, I still feel a twig of jealousy since the bulk of them are males and well, at this point my esteem is low enough I am easily freaked out. But the fact that she is starting to diversify her time - spending less exclusive time between her and him, I think is a good sign. What I think I really need is to figure out how to make friends again - which is difficult as I have a lack of social experiences with others at my particular age. I used to know how to - however I don't believe people of 30 meet friends the same way as they did as a teen, and probably truth be told, how I did as a teen/early 20's wasn't the best method to meet positive people in my life. Unfortunately, I pretty much work in a vacant office so work is not really a feasible option - it once upon a time was, and I really wish I did not feel "guilty" at that time with making and doing things with friends. I believe perhaps a lot of my initial distancing of myself from my wife could have been due to the fact it did not feel I was allowed to - when I would do something with someone it was usually met with a lot of crappiness when I got home. So I stopped trying. I retreated into games and the Internet to try to occupy my time to escape my lonesomeness and depression. My wife, being a lonely housewife and mother finally started talking to people on the internet herself. I believe my initial reactions with improper - I would panic over things that were, at that point and time, perfectly innocent. I felt a bit of resentment that she started to go out with her friends, when I felt I was never "allowed" to. In my frustration with this change, in many ways I pushed her towards this guy. By freaking out when it was, in all honesty, innocent, I made it so I was only there for negative emotions and thus she had to turn to someone for emotional support. Our time we did spend together usually was poisoned with my negativity thus she was discouraged to spend time with me, and it shrunk and shrunk, which just fulled my insecurities all the more. I had become paranoid and controlling - I acknowledge this. Without a doubt, if my wife posted within these forums during this time, I am fairly confident the bulk of the advice would be to leave me and that she was nuts for staying with me - but none-the-less she did. For a long time, she pretty much shut me out of the bulk of her life and embraced the emotional support this other man gave. I honestly don't believe she ever intended to seek out this relationship with him, at least at the level it became. I can understand how quite easily when your main emotional outlet is another guy and your time with your husband is mainly negative that emotions would reach an inappropriate level and the initial recording I had where she said those things was after we had a huge fight the night before. I have a long way to reach a point where I trust my wife 100% again - but to be honest, I believe she does have a ways before she can trust that I will be there for her. I suppose I am trying to be patient with her since she was patient with me. When she should have, in all rational sense, left me - she stuck it out in hopes I would recover and become my loving self again. I guess in some ways I feel I owe her that similar chance. 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