In search of my marbles and balls...

[JadedStar]

I have suffered depression before and known a lot of people who have. I just don't get the feel this woman is depressed. I get the feeling that she is just infatuated with this OM to the point it is all she thinks about and destroying their marriage(evidenced even by the hour long phone call ABOUT HIM wtih a mutual friend and her daughter having to jolt her back to reality)....

[boston23]

PocoDiablo- Why should you only compliment a woman once a day? Will she start thinking that you like her if you do it more? Get a big head? Just kidding... But I am wondering, what's the harm in complimenting her more?

 

I can see why complimenting someone's existence could be a bad thing, but I also think that someone who's depressed needs those compliments. You like the fact that she exists in your life, and her existence is a good thing.

 

And the part that you said her amount of effort is a reflection of how she sees you, I can understand that too...but if she's depressed I'm not sure if that applies as much. She doesn't even respect herself enough to get dressed most days...

 

That book sounds good though, are a lot of these things from it? Again, I agree with the things you said, but I think for now the depression is overriding her life and her personality (I'm hoping that you wouldn't have married her if she was always like this, right Solarist?)

[boston23]

Well, the reason that I think she's depressed are a lot of the things that seem like symptoms of it were there before she started talking to the OM, and continue. Just my take on it. Either way though, I still think that there's more stuff going on here than just plain infatuation and being totally inconsiderate. I still do think that she needs help from a professional. I'm not trying to give her an excuse though; I just think that there's another explanation to this behaviour than just plain crapiness on her part.

[Solarist]

Yes - I am growing frustrated with the whole situation, especially since I felt this frustration before the OM came into our lives. As I think more about it, I think a lot of my neglect towards her may be due to these frustrations - pretty much that I was locking in these feelings and it was easiest to just not interact with her due to my fear of confrontation. On the few occations where I did mention something, she threw a huffy and threatened to leave. In retrospect, I probably should have called her bluff (assuming it was a bluff).

 

I suppose a large reason I am trying to be patient and understanding is that I realize I did my fair share of screwed up things. While I can rationalize my actions as reactions to her (neglect her due to my frustrations of her not keeping up her end of the bargen, be paranoid due to her lack of showing affection, etc.) I recognize that my actions were wrong, regardless. I suppose I feel that I owe it to myself, to her, and to the kids to try to correct my wrongs and see if that makes any progress in our relationship. It is just too easy to point a finger at her saying everything is her fault and not taking a step back and recognizing one's own faults and attempting to correct them. I guess my hope is that there is this giant web of cause and effect, and I wonder at times if these cause-and-effect situation is a feedback loop: e.g. "I neglected her since I was frustrated that she was not keeping her end of the bargan and she felt depressed because of this neglect that further caused her to not want to do anything." Or perhaps even the whole "I felt insecure over her not showing affection which lead me to act controlling, accusational, and jealous which made her all the less wanting to show me affection". This leaves a whole "chicken and the egg" type situation where there really probably is no way to determine how it started - and to be honest, I am not too concerned who's initial fault it was. The whole thing is these loops of actions need to be disrupted.

I suppose that might just be it. That one weekend where I felt more secure in myself she did end up taking a proactive stance to cleaning the house - grant you only during the weekend when she wasn't talking to OM anyways. Perhaps that is part of it then - I felt releaved that she did take initive, however come the weekday when she could talk to him again, she dropped into her old routine, which probably had an effect of building my resentment again. I suppose I am having extreme difficulty letting go of this resentment. The more I think about it, my daughter acts and mimics my wife a lot. She refuses to do chores - giving the same excuses as my wife gives. She then tries to manipulate me with sweetness so I forget that she is not doing what she is supposed to. I perhaps should take my wife's advice with how to deal with my daughter and apply it to her more - although granted the situation is different since she is an adult.

 

I don't know - I want these loops to cease but it is seemingly extremely difficult to avoid it from repeating over and over again.

[Solarist]

I agree with JadedStar that your wife sounds inconsiderate, but even more than that she sounds extremely depressed. Almost every single action/inaction of hers screams depression to me. Being depressed makes it tough to do a lot of things, but the fact that she doesn't realize that she's depressed makes it even worse.

 

Actually - she is on anti-depressants. She originally went to the doctor due to anxiety, however they determined that yes, she was also depressed. Part of me does wonder if the medication is having weird side effects or something - she started talking to Mr. OM right around the same time she started the medication.

 

Also, as a side note, she has been thinking I am depressed and I have gone to see doctors regarding it, however none have ever stated I should be medicated - they all believe it is situational depression opposed to something chemically wrong. She keeps urging me to see more doctors until someone does medicate me - I am not sure how to take that.

 

I'm not saying this to give her an excuse and I definitely think that you have every right to be annoyed and to be frustrated with her lack of action; I also think that she needs help with her depression. She's been pulling away from the life that she has with you and your kids and she shouldn't be doing that, it's definitely going to make the issue worse. Have you ever approached her about it? Has she gotten help for depression in the past (even years ago)? I really really think that she needs to get help for this, it doesn't seem like it's going to be going away on its own, if anything I can just see it getting worse.

 

I think it's a good thing that she's making some money and your letting her keep in for own purchases. That gives her a little bit of needed independence. Imagine feeling like you did nothing and you had to rely on your husband for everything. Not a good feeling. But....what is she doing buying things for the OM and his family!?!?!??! What has she been buying? That's totally ridiculous. She should be able to buy what she wants, but still. That's out of line.

 

I can understand the desire to keep her own money for purchases - I wish I could do more of it myself. I guess really that is my main complaint - she utilizes the money for things that she knows I would throw a fit about since they further her relationship with him. The things she wants for herself that don't revolve around him (i.e. clothes, food, family games, etc.) she just uses the checkbook or a credit card to buy. She reserves her money for buying him presents, buying his mother presents, buying his sister presents, paying for his subscriptions to games, etc. Even weirder - they pretty much has a joint-pay-pal account now...

 

As for her worrying that other people will make a big deal about her wearing a dress, don't knock the compliments off. Just tell her that they'll think that she looks fabulous as you do. She needs the positive reinforcement of getting dressed is a good thing. And feeling pretty is a good thing, especially when you're depressed. So don't worry about going over board on the compliments, she needs to feel good about her appearance and she needs to hear that you think she looks good. So even when she's just dressed in PJs, you can still give her compliments.

 

Yes - I think I will still, but perhaps I need to tone it down a little - make it less into a big deal. Subtileness.

 

Thank you as always for your feedback Boston!

[Solarist]

I have suffered depression before and known a lot of people who have. I just don't get the feel this woman is depressed. I get the feeling that she is just infatuated with this OM to the point it is all she thinks about and destroying their marriage(evidenced even by the hour long phone call ABOUT HIM wtih a mutual friend and her daughter having to jolt her back to reality)....

 

Yes - the funny thing about this "friend" is she is constantly talking about how much she doesn't like her and how she is constantly telling this OM all the nasty things that she says (she sounds rather racist and whatnot).

[Solarist]

I think there are definitely some truths in what he is saying. I feel at this point I have complimented so much that it really is meaningless - if you take your favorite thing and have it constantly, the appeal of this thing is less each time.

 

I am not sure there should be a hard fast rule of only once a day - it really depends on how many real actions there are to compliment. I think I have grown to the point where I compliment just for the sake of complimenting and that might be what he is pointing out. Also, I think he is perhaps hinting on the fact this should be a two way street and often I probably am "fishing" for compliments myself when I compliment her.

[Solarist]

Solarist,

 

You need to start leading her to where you want her to go. She is acting like a child, and you're acting like an absent father. What agreements do you have with her? If she's going to stay home and take care of the kids, there needs to be an understanding that she is going to cook and clean and otherwise also work the same 8-10-12 hours you do. Have you set any expectations? Have you sat down with her and in a VERY calm and polite manner come to an agreement?

 

I have tried in the past - but usually in the past she throws a giant tissy fit (very similar to my daughter's actually...) and I suppose my error there is folding to try to bring her to a better mood. I guess really, I need to just let her be pissy.

 

The whole finances thing? That's simple - it ends now. Finances are shared, 100%. Period. No exceptions. This can be a very hard thing to do, but I think you must convince her to be involved with the finances for everything. And remember, you are letting her have her money because you don't feel worthy of having nice things yourself. Go re-read that part in the book.

 

Yes - I am thinking I need to get much more involved with the finances since we are slipping further and further into debt. She doesn't have a great concept of how to budget or for that matter the actual effect of interest rates over time (we had a giant argument when we consolidated some credit card debt into a bank line of credit. I didn't want to transfer the cards that had a lower interest rate but she didn't feel the 4% different in interest on $3000 worth of debt was worth writing a second check each month.) I am thinking I need to figure out a nice way to approach this whole topic and I feel we need to start devising a budget (and sticking to it!) in order to ever get out of debt. She always gets very defensive whenever I inquire at all about the finances.

 

I'm going through the finances issue right now with my wife. It's hard, but we've agreed that my salary and her primary job paycheck goes to bills. Her second job income goes to the wedding ceremony and any costs needed for her second job. It is not easy, and my wife constantly avoids ALL topics of finances, but you have to sit her down and go over it until you are both on the same page.

 

Any hints on how best to approach the topic?

 

And as far as compliments, let me teach you something: You should compliment a woman no more than once per day, and you need to compliment her EFFORT not her existence.

 

Examples:

 

BAD:

Wow, you're hot!

Damn, looking sexy!

 

GOOD:

That's a very nice outfit, you look great today.

Hey, you look great, I can tell you took a long time to get ready. Thanks.

 

Remember, a woman often will get dressed up and the effort is indicative of how she feels about you. thereforeeee, recognize the EFFORT taken. This is why it's important to notice when she gets her hair cut, her nails done, a new outfit, etc. She is often doing it to be a more attractive woman FOR you.

 

While I don't agree that there should be a hard limit on the compliments, I do agree that I need to focus more on her actions and compliment less (especially those on the bad list) overall so they have more meaning when I do.

[PocoDiablo]

While I don't agree that there should be a hard limit on the compliments, I do agree that I need to focus more on her actions and compliment less (especially those on the bad list) overall so they have more meaning when I do.

Exactly.

 

Example: My buddy today pointed out that I never end my phone calls with the wife by saying "I love you." Why? Because then it loses its meaning - it becomes a conversation tool, not a compliment. When you compliment someone over and over, they lose their value.

 

"That which we obtain too easily, we esteem too lightly." - Thomas Paine

 

Now, I have to say - she has a JOINT PayPal account with the OM?

 

NO.

No way. Not a chance in hell. That crosses the line. I'd tell her that stops now, today, this instant, or she's going to be facing a divorce TOMORROW. I must have missed the point where you said she's buying things for him and his family as well, and that stops too. I'm dead serious. If I found out my wife was doing that I would come home and tell her in a VERY firm but still controlled manner "I was thinking about it, and the joint account with OM is crossing the line. It stops today. In fact, as of right now all financial dealings are done together. All your income will come into our joint account. You and I will communicate with each other about ALL purchases, ALL bills, and ALL cash spent. You are not to spend any of our money OR his money on anything that is not related to our family. This is non-negotiable. You have crossed the line in a big way and you need to get back on track with our relationship." She'll whine and pout, I'm sure, but I would stand my ground and tell her it's non negotiable if she wants this marriage to continue.

 

If she doesn't get with the program within about a week, I would contact a divorce attorney and tell him she is essentially committing adultery and you want to sue her and him and get a divorce.

 

I absolutely would NOT tolerate that. No way.

 

Remember, though, that's me. You have to make your own decision. I've been there, done that before, and I learned my lesson once.

[Solarist]

Exactly.

 

Example: My buddy today pointed out that I never end my phone calls with the wife by saying "I love you." Why? Because then it loses its meaning - it becomes a conversation tool, not a compliment. When you compliment someone over and over, they lose their value.

 

Good point with the "I love you" bit also. I say it way too much. One night I didn't say it before I went to sleep - mainly to see if she would. She didn't - but inquired why I didn't. I told her, well, I wanted to see if you would. I think I need to stop saying it so much and maybe I'll hear it more.

 

 

Now, I have to say - she has a JOINT PayPal account with the OM?

No way. Not a chance in hell. That crosses the line. I'd tell her that stops now, today, this instant, or she's going to be facing a divorce TOMORROW. I must have missed the point where you said she's buying things for him and his family as well, and that stops too. I'm dead serious. If I found out my wife was doing that I would come home and tell her in a VERY firm but still controlled manner "I was thinking about it, and the joint account with OM is crossing the line. It stops today. In fact, as of right now all financial dealings are done together. All your income will come into our joint account. You and I will communicate with each other about ALL purchases, ALL bills, and ALL cash spent. You are not to spend any of our money OR his money on anything that is not related to our family. This is non-negotiable. You have crossed the line in a big way and you need to get back on track with our relationship." She'll whine and pout, I'm sure, but I would stand my ground and tell her it's non negotiable if she wants this marriage to continue.

 

Well - officially/legally it is hers. However, since he is so bull headed about "not supporting eBay", he receives $$ into her account and then uses it to buy things (so I don't get his semi-boycott crap due to that... The guy has issues.) But yes - she has bought him strange things like measuring cups, subscriptions for games, plush animals, and likewise bought his mother a mothering day gift and his sister a graduation present.

 

If she doesn't get with the program within about a week, I would contact a divorce attorney and tell him she is essentially committing adultery and you want to sue her and him and get a divorce.

 

Adultry isn't illegal in the state of Oregon, nor is the reason for a divorce considered in any of the proceedings. Furthermore, custody is to be given to the "primary caretaking parent" if at all possible (i.e. her - since she stays home). Likewise, alamony is not dependent upon the cause of the divorce or any fault and has no set guidelines as far as amount or whatnot (it is entirely up to the judge) - it doesn't even end upon the spouse remarrying. I guess that is one of my main concerns with "putting my foot down" too hard - I would be probably screwed over by the court system and end up still supporting her lifestyle of talking to him all day, except I would not have the kids around.

[PocoDiablo]

Hm. Well, for one, I'd be furious about her sharing any type of financial account. Period. I would be downright irate.

 

For two, I would talk to a GOOD lawyer if she doesn't get with the program.

 

Finally, I would like to point out that you just said - to me - that the only reason why you are NOT divorcing her is because you might get screwed by the courts.

 

Maybe you need to up and move to a more divorce friendly state and THEN get rid of her. Colorado worked well for me...

[Solarist]

Hm. Well, for one, I'd be furious about her sharing any type of financial account. Period. I would be downright irate.

 

For two, I would talk to a GOOD lawyer if she doesn't get with the program.

 

Finally, I would like to point out that you just said - to me - that the only reason why you are NOT divorcing her is because you might get screwed by the courts.

 

Maybe you need to up and move to a more divorce friendly state and THEN get rid of her. Colorado worked well for me...

 

Oh, there is many other reasons also - I think that however the detourant of getting screwed by the courts is one of my reasons I am fearful of putting my foot down - it scares the crap out of me if I have to follow through with it. But yes, ideally I would strongly prefer to work things out with her. She can be a wonderful person and I hope I could recover that person. Likewise, if at all possible, I would prefer for the kids to have both parents around. While I understand staying together for the kids is wrong, I think it is something to add weight to the whole "trying to work it out" aspect.

 

But yes - I need to take some reigns on this whole financial aspect - especially our budget to get out of debt, because that has the potential to screw me over more than anything else probably.

 

I considered approaching the housework aspect with her via talking about my daughter and how she refuses to do her chores and how ridiculous it is that she "won't" because she doesn't want to. From there, I can comment how I think that we need to show her how to be responsible by doing our own chores on a regulat basis. Indirect, but perhaps it would work....

[PocoDiablo]

Yeah, it sounds like no one is taking responsibility for anything around the house... I nominate you!

[Solarist]

Yes - I think in general a lot is going to be falling on my shoulders to get the situation in my family back on track on a lot of concepts. I am going to hope my wife will work with me on this - I truly want to avoid the whole concept of divorce, not just for the financial reasons but more since I do care about her and I miss the days when we first got together.

[Solarist]

Well - I called up my wife and we talked for a little bit. I mentioned that I was growing frustrated with our continuously being in debt and knew she was also so I thought we should sit down and look over the budget and whatnot together. I awknowledged it was something I was getting stressed about however I wasn't doing anything to help with, so I thought it would be good. She got seriously agitated and was worried I would "screw up her system". *sigh*. For goodness sakes, I am a project director at work accountable for projects that amass up to about 5 million dollars so I feel I wouldn't just "muck things up". Oh well - wish me luck when I am at home to discuss this....

[Solarist]

Well, my wife called a bit later and I got the conversation to shift a little about our daughter not doing her chores when asked. I stated I thought that we have not been good role models since we constantly decide "we don't feel like" doing our chores and that we, as a family, need to learn to take more responisbility for doing what we are supposed to do. She did indicate that probably had something to do with it - I mentioned I thought we needed to sit down as a family and discuss this.

 

In the course of the call, she also mentioned how much fun she had talking with OM and one of her best girlfriends today. I ended up pausing for a moment, and then saying "You know, hearing about that makes me rather resentful, and I decided I need to vocalize my resentment more". I went on explaining how I got to work on a daily basis, quite often without any human contact throughout the day, and it makes me upset that she doesn't hold up her end of the deal because she is lonely and wants to talk to someone. I'm lonely too, darn it, but I have a resposibility to the famliy to ensure we are clothed, sheltered, fed, etc. She said she understands why I am resentful, but she said she is often resentful that I get to go and eat out daily. Told her I'd switch in a heartbeat.

 

Further along in the conversation I mentioned also how my daughter is learning how to manipulate me from her - acting all sweet just to get something. I indicated I am going to be working on not necessarily always running to the store at 10pm because she wants a candy bar, especially if I am going to be resentful that I did it. Sure - doing things for her is nice, but the assumption that I will always causes me to feel used.

 

I doubt any great changes will result from these talks, however I think I started to lay groundwork on a lot of topics matters that I need to have changed.

[boston23]

I take back what I said before...if you're going into more debt, she should be using that money to help out your finances. Screw any need for "independence." Money management is a really big issue in a lot of marriages, and it sounds like she's going to be putting up a big fight for you to be able to change anything. (Her system?!!?! Of sending him presents or something?). Maybe using a financial planner just so that you have a mediator (and a backup so you wouldn't be the only "bad guy") would help. Paying money to someone to talk about your lack of money is annoying though.

 

Solarist, you are still doing a fantastic job with this stuff. It takes perseverance. At some point are you going to sit down and talk with her about all this stuff (the OM, etc) or are you still going to wait a while? I know that when you first learned about the conversations with the OM you mentioned divorce, but she seems to think that any possibility has blown away.

 

I mean, does she know that your marriage still needs a ton of work and that your relationship needs her to do some of it? At some point she really does need to change her behavior, but does she know that and she's just choosing not to, or is she just totally sucked into her own world that she has no clue?

 

She needs a fire lit under her butt with this stuff.

[boston23]

oooh, it does sound like you've started to talk to her about it. I think that's really good!

[Solarist]

I take back what I said before...if you're going into more debt, she should be using that money to help out your finances. Screw any need for "independence." Money management is a really big issue in a lot of marriages, and it sounds like she's going to be putting up a big fight for you to be able to change anything. (Her system?!!?! Of sending him presents or something?). Maybe using a financial planner just so that you have a mediator (and a backup so you wouldn't be the only "bad guy") would help. Paying money to someone to talk about your lack of money is annoying though.

 

Yes - now our debt is not completely her fault by any means. We both contributed to it, however I don't feel the current path is really going to get us out of debt either. Who knows - maybe she does have it covered, but I think I do definitely have the right to be informed and know the details. Her presents are not really the prime contribution to the debt by any means. If anything, I think the main problem currently is the quantity we go out to eat somewhere because she didn't feel like cooking. I admit that part of the whole "not taking responsibility for chores" bit is that I am not great at keeping up with the dishes, which I did agree to do, so I am sure that contributes a bit to the "not wanting to cook". I am going to try to "lead by example" a lot with this to hopefully help kickstart her into gear (and my daughter!).

 

Solarist, you are still doing a fantastic job with this stuff. It takes perseverance. At some point are you going to sit down and talk with her about all this stuff (the OM, etc) or are you still going to wait a while? I know that when you first learned about the conversations with the OM you mentioned divorce, but she seems to think that any possibility has blown away.

 

I think I am going to continue with how I have been going for the time being and concentrate on issues with our relationship before tackling the whole OM thing. Again, my hope is that as our relationship normalizes, his role in our lives will continue to diminish. There is always the possibility that our relationship will become strong and I am comfortable with where her affections lie and if so, and she still wants this "friend" (and I am comfortable he is just a "friend"), I am not ruling out the possibility that he could remain in her life in some ways. (Mainly, again, since he has been respecting bounderies to some extent). I am not possitive that this will happen - it is quite possible that once all the rest of the ducks are in line that he will need the boot, but time will show.

 

I mean, does she know that your marriage still needs a ton of work and that your relationship needs her to do some of it? At some point she really does need to change her behavior, but does she know that and she's just choosing not to, or is she just totally sucked into her own world that she has no clue?

 

She needs a fire lit under her butt with this stuff.

 

To be fair, she has change some. While some of it seems minor to what perhaps should have been done, in general and overall, she is moving the right direction as I feel I have been. While I cannot change my behavior patterns completely overnight, I don't think it is fair to expect her to be able to either. Sure, I wish she would move quicker, and there are moments that I doubt she really is trying too hard, but at the same time, one of my major issues I am facing is my own insecurities, so my judgement of such things can be very clouded. Actually, that probably is the most difficult thing really - the whole "Just because you are paranoid, doesn't mean they are not after you" concept. It is a struggle to determine what is stupid paranoia and what is actual things of concern.

[Solarist]

oooh, it does sound like you've started to talk to her about it. I think that's really good!

 

Yup! No real "putting the foot down" type talks, but the seeds have been planted - hopefully with some watering they will sprout.

[Solarist]

Well - I didn't update for a few days so I suppose I should put the current situation down, if nothing else, to record my mindset for myself at this time.

 

35 Hours and counting

I realized that I have been resentful for not recieving as much affection and verbal confirmation of love as I have given out. While my wife had told me daily she loves me, it always is in response to me telling her first - thus, I decided I would hold off saying this to see how long it would take for her to instigate. So far it has been 35 hours. In some ways I am hoping that she will inquire about why I didn't say it last night when we went to sleep - the last time I didn't, she questioned me in the middle of the night. While she didn't wake me up to question me about it, I did wake up this morning to her cuddling up next to me, which is unusual as of, well, years as she normally is far far away on the other side of the bed. *shrug* It felt nice and hopefully it was intentional.

 

The Finances

On Tuesday, after the kids went to bed she actually brought back up the discussion about the finances and did a overview of the situation (no hard $$ figures) and her current strategy. I mentioned that I think I would build a spreadsheet to help calculate our "date of out-of-debtness" since she was not having interest calculated into her estimates. I think this weekend I'll go ahead and create this spreadsheet and talk to her afterwards to get the actual numbers in. She didn't seem to set back about the discussion.

 

Communication opposed to Pissiness

Yesterday, my wife approached me and said she wanted to talk to me about something and was hoping I wouldn't consider her a nag for it, but it was bugging her. I was a little worried at first, but it seems it was a matter of the way I put the towels away in the closet after I helped her fold them (I mucked up her system). She said she originally wasn't going to say anything, because she was working on not being such a nag about things and she didn't actually think I'd help her more than once, but once I did, she decided to tell me. I told her I appreciate that she actually told me opposed to just letting the resentment/pissiness build within her.

 

I have more, but got a meeting for work in a minute...

[Solarist]

Her Friend

Yesterday, I had a hoard of comments on my blog asking for information on my side of this whole situation. Doing a little bit of reverse DNS lookup, I determined the person was one of my wive's friends. She indicated she was interested in hear both sides of the same situation, which is interesting. Perhaps she will be a catalyst to more further communication.

[PocoDiablo]

Personally, I:

 

1. Don't complain when anyone helps me fold my clothes but does it "wrong." And if I help you out, don't complain to me either. If you don't like the way I do it, do it yourself. If I don't like the way you do it, I will do it myself.

 

2. Never involve friends in my personal life with our problems. Instead, I talk directly to my wife about it. Furthermore, I would never discuss my problems with one of my wifes friends. This takes energy and focus away from me and my wife and information will come back to my wife in a way that is distorted. This is a slippery slope and I would avoid it politely but at all costs.

[PocoDiablo]

Oh yeah, I should add, I *rarely* post anything about myself or my wife in a forum where anyone knows us. If I do, it's under an alternate and anonymous username. I personally would delete any blog where I have discussed personal problems and a friend found it.

[Solarist]

PocoDiablo - I am adding this disclaimer after I posted these following two posts, since I realized I was somewhat arguing with you and I wanted to clarify that I completely value and invite all the feedback you provide, even if I have arguments otherwise. Just wanted to clarify that.

 

Oh yeah, I should add, I *rarely* post anything about myself or my wife in a forum where anyone knows us. If I do, it's under an alternate and anonymous username. I personally would delete any blog where I have discussed personal problems and a friend found it.

 

I would completely agree with this except my wife's blog is riddled full of understandments of what is going on and it is somewhat refreshing that perhaps I won't be treated like crud by her friends when they come over if they have a more full perspective. Ideally, correct, it should remain between us two - however, at this point since there is this batch of her friends that know, I think I would prefer that perhaps they have a clearer picture of what occurred. I believe I actually was fairly diplomatic in all my posts regarding the situation and perhaps this would ward off their ademosity towards me when they are over.