In search of my marbles and balls...

[Solarist]

Background

 

I started my time on eNotAlone trying to deal with an emotional affair my wife was having with another man in England. (For details see: ). I received much feedback and I am appreciative of everyone's thoughts and in general I find this is a great forum where people can speak in a much more mature level than the bulk of the places on the Internet. I think everyone for their time on that thread, however it occurred to me that I probably was spotlighting on the forum too long and it was time to let that thread die. I however still value everyone's feedback and thoughts so I welcome anyone and everyone to comment as they feel fit within this journal.

 

Introduction

 

The purpose of this journal is multi-facited. While it is a horrible way to "wake up", I am starting to view my wife's affair as a catalyst in my life. I have realized that I have never, even at my age of 31, grew up and taken the steering wheel of my life. Instead of hopping into the car and driving to where I want to go, I have been riding as a passenger - shouting at the drivers throughout my life where I want to go and then getting frustrated when they don't drive me to where I wanted to go. It is time to learn to drive.

[Solarist]

To dwell on happiness opposed to sadness

I have realized I have been becoming completely consumed by my wife talking to this other man. I would wake up, and try to snoop for evidence of what they were talking about. I would read her email. I would look for other signs around the house. At work, I would dwell on the situation and pretty much be unproductive. When I am home, I would analize how every one of her actions is somehow linked to him - that everything she does is somehow because he wants her to. I have come to the conclusion I have turned into a bitter and dark person and it is no wonder my wife is not thrilled to spend time with me. I have decided to instead spend that time to improve myself - to fix my co-dependent tendencies. To learn to love and respect myself. I know through this I will become a happier person and just perhaps she will learn to love and respect me likewise.

 

Self-Reflection

While I know a large majority of the feedback I have received has been basically "Give her the boot" - I cannot. A lot of this is, indeed, I am too passive and avoid confrontation at all costs. I have thought long and hard about just telling her to get lost, because of what she is doing to me. Then through the path of examining my inner self, to try to gain the strength to say this to her I found out some things I was not really aware of, at least overly consiously - I am not as nice of a person as I think I am.

 

I have always thought I was a nice person. I have always thought that when I did end up getting married, everything would be great because well, I am so nice that nothing could go wrong. But in reality, this "nice" is somewhat a mask - while the things I do actively tend to be nice, in reality, I do some very nasty passive aggressive things and in honest reflection, I highly suspect if my wife posted her story on here six months ago, everyone would be chiming that she should leave me also. I realize two wrongs don't make a right - I am not taking responsibility for her affair - however I realize that there is a lot about myself that I need to change if I hope to ever have a happy long term realtionship with anyone. I have decided to not force this ultimatum currently since as it stands ATM, the choice would be between a crappy, unhappy husband that routinely makes you feel like crap and a guy who has been providing emotional support and not placing judgement, and well, I don't think I really like those odds. I am not ignoring the happenings but rather striving to make the choice between A good and happy husband who is supportive emotionally and otherwise of you vs. a guy who has been providing emotional support. The worse thing that could happen is I will be happy without her - the best is I could be all the happier with her.

[Gus Almighty]

Good Luck Solarist, I feel I need to tell you that through all this you are going to have one bumpy road......especially if you succeed in bring her back to reality at all.

 

Shes going to say things that hurt, that hit you to the bone.

 

Through all this you must learn to use positive affirmation and see beyond the words of hurt.

 

As you regain your composure which I can assure you is not fully there yet, you will have many ups and downs that are going to feel like life ending struggles.

 

I will be more than happy to help you with positive thoughts and encouragement along the way.

[JadedStar]

GOod luck to you Solarist and I love this thread title!!! LOL

[Solarist]

Good Luck Solarist, I feel I need to tell you that through all this you are going to have one bumpy road......especially if you succeed in bring her back to reality at all.

 

Shes going to say things that hurt, that hit you to the bone.

 

Through all this you must learn to use positive affirmation and see beyond the words of hurt.

 

As you regain your composure which I can assure you is not fully there yet, you will have many ups and downs that are going to feel like life ending struggles.

 

I will be more than happy to help you with positive thoughts and encouragement along the way.

 

Thank you Gus Almighty - Indeed this is going to be a long road, regardless which path it takes and I will most definitely hear hurtful things if my wife actually opens up and really talks to me - we have done a lot of crappy things to each other and while talking about them probably is the way to resolve them, it will definitely peel some scabs off the wounds. I also realize I am a long ways off from being the man I want to be - but striving to make each step a step in that direction.

 

I also wish to thank you for continuing to share you experience with myself and the rest on these forums.

[Solarist]

GOod luck to you Solarist and I love this thread title!!! LOL

 

Thank you, JadedStar - I thought the title was appropriate for my situation.

[Solarist]

Upcoming Theropy Session

At five today, I will have my second theropy session and I am trying to figure out what topic matter would be the best. Part of me still wants to dwell on the situation with my wife, but on the other hand, I am trying to keep myself focus on me for the time being (and wow, perhaps my perspective is warped, but that just sounded so selfish to me, yet it is what it should probably be). I am still relatively new to this whole theropy concept (which could be a bit odd, since my mother is a Psychologist) and I am not sure how comfortable I am yet to explore the full root of my insecurities with myself or not.

 

My first session was made with a bit of a facade - my wife thought I needed to go for depression and anxiety - which was probably true, but I don't think necessarily I am naturally depressed or anxious. I can think back to many-a-happy days and times of my life. While I have never been the center of the social meca, I have always had, uptil now, a small group of close friends and a fairly large quantity of associates. I used to be fairly social and was much less concerned about what people think than I am in my current place in life. But I am spinning off of topic a bit here - I suppose I should discuss some about the relationship but I do want to see if he can help with my goal of being comfortable with myself again.

 

My Wife's Changes since this weekend

I suppose I never really explained what occurred this last weekend. On Thursday/Friday'ish I came to recognize that I have many co-dependent tendencies and I wrote about these on my blog along with identifying ways my insecurities have pretty much prevented me from getting what I want. I acknowledged my passive-aggressive and manipulative ways of trying to get what I want. I tried to speculate what this felt like to my wife. When I got home, my wife was sitting outside waiting for me. She jumped up and gave me a huge hug and kissed me with more passion than I have had in a year. All she said was "I read you blog post".

 

I pretty much forced myself to keep positive and happy throughout the weekend. I played a lot with the kids and did a lot of the things around the house I keep putting off and putting off (things like washing down the driveway, pressure washing the side of the house, etc..). My wife, as of late, has been one whom has been avoiding doing any housework until I gripe however she, while I was working outside, did a major cleaning job on the inside of the house. I also noticed she was acting less aggitated by the children. She often has very little patience with them, and after a few minutes of them "bugging" her, she proceeds to yell at them to go away. Instead, this weekend, she also played with them and had a good talk to my daughter which is something she rarely does. She mentioned to me on Sunday that my attitude has done a full 180 and she noticed.

 

Yesterday, she went out and got a new blanket and made curtains for my son's room (which was I think the second time I saw her take out the sewing machine since we bought it three years ago). The kids seemed much happier when I got home. My son immediately grabbed my hand to show me his new room. My wife and myself did a little bit of chatting, but for the most part, just were cuddled up on the couch watching TV - which to some extent is nice, but I wish at times I could have more interactiveness with her. Perhaps it is just that after nine years, we have less to talk about and we can pretty much finish each other's sentences...

[PocoDiablo]

Bravo, it sounds like things are progressing.

[Solarist]

A phone call from my wife

My wife just gave me a call to find out what time I would be home from my theropy session to see whether she should hold off on dinner or not. We had a fairly pleasant conversation - just talking about our day, the kids, and whatnot. At one point, she indicated she was looking at tents since we didn't have one. She mentioned how this other guy mentioned he would like to go camping with us when he comes to visit. I inquired "When he came to visit? I thought he wasn't doing this, no?" and she replied "We were just talking - definitely not happening now and there are no dates set or whatnot". I replied that "I don't think that would be a good thing to happen" and she responded "I know. I wasn't talking now or anything - when everyone is comfortable with it". The conversation continued and neither of us got "pissy" or "yelling" about the situation.

 

Now I am not 100% whether this was the best thing or not. On the plus side - I stated my ground, and she more or less accepted it, although she did leave that door slightly ajar. I did not get all whinny or depressed or whatnot, which I find nice and refreshing... I don't know, should I have slammed that door harder or ?? Is it possible she truly is reverting this relationship to a plutonic friendship, or at least trying her hardest to? It is hard to think that it would be possible, but? Anywho, I suppose the door is slammed for the time being and I'll see how things progress from here. I will at least reward myself a partial victory for 1) Saying what I want in a firm, but non-pissy manner and 2) I am not letting it make me feel like crap. Or perhaps I am deluding myself - who knows.

[Solarist]

Bravo, it sounds like things are progressing.

 

Yes - I believe so. And thank you again for recommending that book - got through about 75 pages of it so far and have found it to be excellent at pointing out a lot of areas I should change to improve mine (and perhaps my wife's) life.

[PocoDiablo]

I don't know, should I have slammed that door harder or ?? Is it possible she truly is reverting this relationship to a plutonic friendship, or at least trying her hardest to? It is hard to think that it would be possible, but? Anywho, I suppose the door is slammed for the time being and I'll see how things progress from here. I will at least reward myself a partial victory for 1) Saying what I want in a firm, but non-pissy manner and 2) I am not letting it make me feel like crap. Or perhaps I am deluding myself - who knows.

I think you did well. She is now testing you to see if she can trust your word. You did well, I think, to be firm and state your ground and remaining calm. I would continue to do so.

 

I'm glad you like the book. Mine is right here and I am about to finish it off tonight so I can start over and read it again!

[Solarist]

Theropy Session

Again, it seemed I did about 98% of the talking in the theropy session yesterday - I suppose that is really a large bit of how it works, more as a guide than a person with solutions to everything. In general, he thought my outlook was much more positive now and believed since I was feeling better and it has seemed to be having a positive effect on my relationship, I should continue with more of what works. For some reason, he didn't even set up a future appointment - I am not sure what exactly that means, but I suppose if I feel I need to go see him again, I can just set up an appointment myself. I think I actually may not have to - I think in general I have been getting more out of talking on these forums and doing personal reflection than I am with talking to him and not to mention, it is cheaper.

 

The bus ride and the hottie

On my way home after the appointment, there was this rather attractive woman also waiting for the bus. Typically, I have been one whom pretty much has to be smacked in the face to realize that someone is "interested" - I suppose that my low-esteem blocks that possibility out of my mind. Heck, why would anyone be interested when I think I am worthless. Perhaps it is a good sign that I am on the right path since I noticed that she kept glancing at me, smiling - even to the point of when someone stepped between us, she repositioned herself to keep herself in view. As she left, she paused at the door and glanced back again. While of course, this is nothing I should pursue at this point, since well, I don't want to be tangled up in the same web as my wife is in, it just gave me that boost of self-confidence I needed: I was noticed, and I noticed I was noticed.

 

The night

I got home later than normal due to the theropy session. My wife announced she was going to take a bath and I could join her if I wanted - since it was nearly the kid's bed time, I indicated that while I would love to look at her naked body, I probably should spend some time with the kids. She seemed okay with this - and I spent a bit of time just talking and snuggling the kids before shipping them off to bed.

 

The evening again primarily was watching TV and a bit of snuggling. We did watch American Idol, and that did spark a bit of discussion about "whom was our favorite" and whatnot. My wife did end up swooning over Blake's black hair, saying "Wow, he is just simply hot with black hair" and fanned her face. While this isn't exactly what I want to hear (I think she could perhaps be a bit less vocal about how hot everyone else is), I accepted the fact that 1) There is no chance in hell anything would come of that and 2) Becoming moopy about the situation just will push her away, so I just sucked it in, and didn't let it effect me, which is a good step, since in the past I would probably passive-aggressively attack her for the comment which is stupid.

 

One thing that I am not sure how I feel about is she as of late has been talking a lot about what her and this other man talk about all day. On one side, it is nice to know what is going on and in some ways, the fact she can talk about it is more reassuring than when she never says anything about what she does all day. On the other hand, of course it is a constant reminder that she spends the day while I am at work talking to this other man. I took it with grace yesterday - I suppose I should really figure out which way I want it to be. I did learn one thing that just, well, makes me take this guy a lot less seriously: For some reason, this guy knows the name of all the Spice Girls - my only response to that when my wife mentioned it was "I don't even want to know why he does" - and she indicated "Yeah, I never wanted to go there either".

 

I woke up this morning with her arm actually around me snuggled close to me opposed to her typical, as of late, being about as far as physically possible in bed. It really made me wish I didn't have to go to work, but alas, reality is we all need $$ to survive.

 

Things to do for ME

I have been thinking of these little things (or not so little things) that I have been putting off and putting off that I really need to do for myself. I think I will start of by listing some of them, and then can start making plans on doing them.

 

• Go get contacts - My eye sight at this point is pretty horrible - I cannot make out people really more than 15 feet from me and it is increasingly causing issues in my life. I am not sure why I haven't gone yet - I have insurance that will cover the costs and whatnot, but it is something I need to do for myself.
  
• Quit Smoking - This is something I have been struggling with, especially after my wife quit. In many ways, I think I resent that my wife did quit, especially at the time. This other man was her support network for it, and she has said before she did it for him to be proud of her. We had plans of quiting together, but she went ahead and did it without me, which did hurt. Also, when she was pretty much spending all the time I was at home, I knew she would at least take breaks to have a smoke with me - and I felt like I was lossing the few minutes of attention I had when she quit. I have attempted a few times to quit since then, but I always ended up not being able to and usually end up blaiming her (if she was only more available for me, if she didn't piss me off so much, if she etc. etc.). I need to quit smoking for me, and only for me. Not for my wife, not for my children, but for me.
  
• Get more physically fit - Once upon a time I was in relatively great shape - I was a lifeguard and also taught swim lessons and of course ended up swimming a lot myself. I also played a lot of soccer and baseball. My body worked well and I had energy. Of course I realize that I will never had the "youthfulness" of my teenage years again, however I have been relatively unactive in my adult years and have not been eating particularly wonderful food. So far my metabolism has kept my weight in check, but I am approaching the years where that might start failing me and I should probably get into the habbit of keeping myself in better shape before it causes more difficulties.
  

 

I am sure I will tack on more - but this is a start.

[Solarist]

Going out to lunch - A less dreaded experience

As I grew older, I realize I am becoming more and more timid - which perhaps is opposite of the normal. I have difficulty talking to people unless I know them well. Silly little things like saying "Hi" to someone I kind of know, or placing an order at a restuarant actually causes me mild anxiety attacks. I would mumble under my breath, looking downward, which of course made the problem worse since they couldn't understand what I was saying. I would be the one whom would rather spent 30 minutes looking for something in the store than to ask someone - an oh, how I dread when a sales person would approach me and ask if they could help. I would afterwards tend to reflect back and wonder why the heck am I sounding/acting so timid. I know, this sounds very pathetic - and guess what - I agree!!.

 

These last few days I have been feeling better about myself and when I went out to lunch, I noticed a few things. I ran into someone I kind of knew - he used to work in my office a few years back and I think I drunk a few beers with him at a party once. Instead of waiting (and dreading) that he would notice me walking by, I actually went up and asked how he was doing. The amazing thing was - it came out smooth and strong. We talked for a quick bit, then I continued on to get a burger (I know - not helping that "eating right bit" - but damnit, I wanted a greasy burger!!) and once again, it was like the words just flowed out of my mouth when I placed my order.

 

I know to most reading this, this sounds like a "um, so what" type of statement but to me, it was a sign that I am getting better. I wasn't clouded or stricken with fear with talking to someone - I just talked and it came out as I intended and I feel all the better that it did.

[Solarist]

Last Night - Lost Twice so I'll never win

 

When I came home yesterday, this went pretty good for the most part. My wife again was more intentive to me, and we even played around a bit (I ended up swinging her around in circles like I do with the kids). We decided we were going to order out some manicotti and watch the Hogfather. All seemed to be going well, but then, well, then my daughter kind of put a damper on it.

 

She recently, being seven, been getting on this Pokemon kick. After playing "Paper Pokemon's" (which was this Pokemon she made out of paper) a couple of times, I decided what the heck - I'll buy her some Pokemon cards. So far we played twice - and I ended up winning both times, which is not a statistical outlier by any means. Perhaps I need to work more on "throwing" the games, but I figured two times wasn't too icky. Well, my daughter completely threw a fit about loosing, which put me in a situation: Do I work on her self-esteem, which is lacking, or work on being a good loser. I decided the first probably fed into the second, so I was trying to tell her that she probably will win the next one and that she did well. Well, my daughter pretty much was in constant tears, so my wife went in to talk to her about it. She ended up using this OM as an example of how he usually lost to his sister when they used to play. I don't know - this is bugging me since it seems more and more she is trying to bring him into contact with them so it puts me on another whole level of defensive and hurt about this guy. It isn't enough that my wife is spending hoards of time with him - now she is trying to get my kids to also. Anyways, after about an hour of tears, I got my daughter to play a "sudden death" game of Pokemon, which I pretty much let her win. She felt somewhat better, however my wife seem pissy that I was now reinforcing her bad loser aspect. *shrug* Can't seem to be able to win at times - at least I stayed consistent I suppose.

 

After this blow up (which our dinner came in the middle of) we snuggled again on the couch. I kept wanting to, well, touch her in a more sensual way and trying to look for clues whether she would be receptive. I suppose it was more of a game of "if she moves closer to me, it must mean she wants me to" - which is silly. Really, I ought to have just did it. Later, when we went to bed, I still felt the, well, urge. So after we layed there for a few minutes and I was slightly rubbing her (nothing overly sexual) I asked if she was tired, and she responded yes. I had a huge flood of depression and rejection suddenly - it felt like I was just not attractive or whatnot. I said "I think I am going to have a smoke", and she asked "Why?". I responded that I was just restless, and didn't get one before we went to bed, and I'd be right back. At this point, I gave her a couple of passionate kisses, and went to have a smoke.

While outside smoking, I immediately starting analyzing and beating myself up. I again, wanted sex, but ended up feeling rejected even though I really 1) never clearly/directly stated I wanted sex to her and 2) I didn't do anything really to initiate this. Furthermore, my reaction of going to have a smoke was more routed towards "punshing" her than anything (she quit smoking and of course doesn't like the fact I still do). I was pretty upset at myself at this time, although at this point I realize "Hey, Rome isn't built in a day". I think it was a step that I even recognized what I did. I saw how I expected my partner to be able to read my mind and then resent her since she obviouslly couldn't. I saw how I placed the blame on the situation of not getting what I wanted and tried to passive-aggressively "Get back at her". I can see that this method of interaction had the end result of not getting what I wanted, and thus, I need to move on to a more successful one.

[Locke2121]

Ok...read my typing.

 

 

STOP ANALYZING AND START REACTING! DO WHAT YOUR HEART TELLS YOU TO DO WHEN IT TELLS YOU TO DO IT!

 

When you said you were going to get a smoke, and then gave a her kiss...that was your opening. You should have kept going. Gone slow, a gentle touch or caress here and there, but that was it! With a little time, you could have built the tension up so thick a chainsaw couldn't have cut it!

 

Forget the psychobabble. That only works in the therapist's office. When your in bed, snuggled up, the only thing you should be listening to is your heart.

 

 

Remember: Attraction is EMOTIONAL, not LOGICAL.

[Solarist]

When you said you were going to get a smoke, and then gave a her kiss...that was your opening. You should have kept going. Gone slow, a gentle touch or caress here and there, but that was it! With a little time, you could have built the tension up so thick a chainsaw couldn't have cut it!

 

Most definitely - I realize this and your completely right, it probably could have progressed and I even realized that shortly afterwards. Your correct, in this area, and probably much of my life, I need to think less and act more. Ah - the plague that my day job is that of an analyst of statistical data - seems to be seeping into the rest of my life.

[PocoDiablo]

I saw how I placed the blame on the situation of not getting what I wanted and tried to passive-aggressively "Get back at her". I can see that this method of interaction had the end result of not getting what I wanted, and thus, I need to move on to a more successful one.

Agreed. I think you're right. Next time, don't use the Covert Contract and instead tell her straight out what you want. Then go for it!

[Locke2121]

Then you need to practice being spontaneous. When we practice something enough, it becomes second nature. Here is what I want you to do...

 

Every day, as you leave to go to work, I want you to kiss her. Not on the lips..do that and you fail the course. On the neck, a fancy hand kiss, the back of the neck, forehead...I don't care where. I want you, as your walking to her to get a kiss, to look at her and just pick a spot....listen to your heart and you'll be drawn to a certain spot. Do this for a week.

 

Also, I want you, at ANY time of the day, to txt her, email her, phone her..I don't care. It could be as simple as txting "Luv you" or a two page email telling her what a wonderful women she is. Whenever the urge strikes, I want you to do this. Even if your in the middle of a meeting, go to the bathroom and txt her!

 

After a week of this...you'll begin to feel what its like to be spontaneous. You'll begin listening more to your impulses and less to your head.

 

Good luck!

[Gus Almighty]

Its good that shes starting to enjoy life again, this gives you the opportunity to work yourself fully back into her heart. You must be patient though and not move to quickly, give her something to think about in you.

 

Dont try to change to many things at once in yourself though, bring back in your mind some of the things you did that she liked about you and try to recreate them once in a while......give her back those old memories of you.

 

If you try to create too many changes it will freak her out and you will be going through what I am with the ups and downs.

 

And dont worry too much about her saying Blake is hot and this and that. Right now she isnt as attracted to you as she was years ago and its going to be slow for the most part. Dont lose patience or confidence now, your doin just fine.

 

No big talks for a while, let her come to you with them. Dont push.

[Solarist]

I'm a Sexual Freak

With this whole time of "inner" examination and reading and thinking, I realize I am a sexual freak - but hold on there, not a freak like whips and chains and toys galorie in some dusty dark dungeon, but more almost the exact opposite side of the coin: It scares the crap out of me. Now mind you, I do have two children, so obviously I do the act, but thinking about it, talking about it, or pretty much anything and everything about sex (minus the actual act) causes a panic attack. I am not 100% sure why, but I have some theories about how I got here.

I was raised Mormon. That statement alone probably explains a large quantity of my whole phobia. Pretty much sex was wrong, except for married couples. Being a typical teenage boy, my hormones did not necessarily follow this creed - I was told sex and thoughts about sex were bad and evil, yet crap, I was a horny teen. So probably like most teens, it was not too uncommon for me to whip it out on occation (okay, quite a few occations) and spank the monkey per say. Of course then I was presented with the situations were the church leaders more or less gave us interviews (or perhaps integregations) over the matter and I, like probably all my peers, like through our stinking teeth about it. Oh no, we NEVER think about sex or women or touching ourselves - that is just so worng. Yeah, right. But still, I lied about this fact, over and over and over and of course felt some guilt, probably more than I realize, that I did do these things. From what I was taught since I was a small small child is that I am doing evil - and then doing worse by lieing about it. I must be a horrible person.

Another thing that probably didn't help with my whole current situation is that my parents had a divorce when I was 10 and I was pretty much raised by my mother. I should perhaps say I am very similar to my father, both by our interests as well as our apperience. It seems the dynamic of mine and my mother's relationship afterwards flipped between her lashing out at me for whom I am (which is probably "understandable" - I looked and acted very much like this man who just hurt her) and her being over protective of me and not letting me have any liberties. I know, most parents are protective - but the truth is, I found I had far better chance of going out an bowling with some friends or whatnot if I snuck out rather than just asked. If I looked at a girl, I got serious scorning for it from her - it was almost like she had some serious jealousy thing going on and feared I would end up leaving her like my father did. When I finally did leave, on my 18th birthday, my Mother tried to get the cops to come and take me back home - which of course they couldn't. But all in all, I think she did rob me of a lot of prime years of being around and learning about girls and gave me guilt trips and whatnot if I talked about them.

Another aspect of my father not being in my daily life, my mother being overly and bizarely protective, and belonging to a fairly strict religion is that I even learned about sex at a relatively old age and through really, well, pathetic means. I am sure most of you will probably fall off your seats laughing when I say this, and I guess looking back, it is rather patetic - but I learned about sex from interactions with females on old school black and white text based multi-player games on the early, pre-web Internet. I am sure that poor girl playing that sexy little gnome or whatnot probably wondered what the heck she got herself into - but really, this was about the first memory I had of what sex really is. I mean, in some levels I got it - you get your 30 second description of the reproductive system in school, but that would be knowing how to run build a house by understanding how muscles can lift things - not really the same thing.

So there I am - a teenager that was completely in shame since I touch myself, not really understanding what sex was, and a mother whom was, well, weird. The thing is, as I got older, of course I ended up having sex. My first time was with some girl I went accross the country to be with I met on one of those old text games - that turned out to be a rather horrible experience, in bed and otherwise. So I guess the fact my first real sexual encounter sucked and was not particularly pleasing, it just made me all the more screwed in the head.

At this point, after nine years, I can kind of talk to my wife about sex. We actually I think have fairly decent sex - I am not going to say great sex since things are probably a bit too formulamatic, but we 99% of the time the "goal" is reached for both of us, per say (I know it isn't the "goal" and I do enjoy the act, but more stating that it isn't like I am completely non-functional either) I still hide a lot of things - I tell her I don't masterbate. I suspect she is probably wise enough not to buy that and of course, I do. Heck, this might be the first time I made a public proclamation of this: I masterbate. LOL. Well, that felt weird. Anyways, at this point I think I am rambling on with nothingness, a little embarrassed for talking about my past, especially on a topic I have real difficulty talking about, so I think I will end it here.

[Solarist]

Thanks as always for your feedback Gus!

 

Its good that shes starting to enjoy life again, this gives you the opportunity to work yourself fully back into her heart. You must be patient though and not move to quickly, give her something to think about in you.

 

Ah, but that wasn't my goal in doing any of this. My goal is for ME to start enjoying life again and if she wants to enjoy it with me, all the better.

 

Dont try to change to many things at once in yourself though, bring back in your mind some of the things you did that she liked about you and try to recreate them once in a while......give her back those old memories of you.

 

If you try to create too many changes it will freak her out and you will be going through what I am with the ups and downs.

 

Again, these changes are primarily for me - it is things that I need to change within my life to get to the goal of enjoying life and loving and respecting myself. With that said, the status quo is still she talks to him all day and to be frank, I think her freaking out a bit might be a good thing. She needs to feel less sure that I will always be there, regardless of her actions, which is what she has learned to expect. She feels "safe and secure", regardless of her actions, since she feels I need her to be happy. I don't. I will be happy one way or the other. I would definitely prefer she remains in my life, but I am no longer going to base my actions solely upon her desires.

 

And dont worry too much about her saying Blake is hot and this and that. Right now she isnt as attracted to you as she was years ago and its going to be slow for the most part. Dont lose patience or confidence now, your doin just fine.

 

Yup - and primarily because I am not attractive how I have been. Sure, Blake is a good enough looking guy, but he is also ballsy and believes in himself and I think that is his prime attraction. There are plenty of ugly and scared up men out there with hotties - usually because they are confident in themselves. While I am blessed with not being horrible looking, it is how I feel inside and thus present myself which is the real key to being attractive.

 

No big talks for a while, let her come to you with them. Dont push.

 

This I utterly agree with. As I stated when I ended my thread in the Infidelity forum, my goal is to get myself to the point where I love and respect myself and then at that point, determine whether she loves and respects me. I am not there yet by any means, but I am feeling stronger and better each day - and the amazing thing is she seems to be noticing and responding to it.

[Solarist]

Agreed. I think you're right. Next time, don't use the Covert Contract and instead tell her straight out what you want. Then go for it!

 

Yup - those were the first words in my head when I went outside to smoke - I just got pissed that a Covert Contract didn't work out. Ahhhh - indeed that book holds many truths!

[Solarist]

Hi Locke - Thanks as always for your feedback and kicks in the * * * *.

 

Much of this I actually already do and I suspect I do too often and have been trying to cut back. I have been doing the kissing thing for quite some time, however she also is still asleep before I leave for work so I am not sure how much she knows I do. She often smiles back though. I also have sent way too many sappy letters and just little post-its or whatnot with "Love you" on them. In some ways I feel I am rewarding her negative behaviour currently and I also have been noticing I have been getting more attention by doing less of these things.

 

With that said, I understand the intent of your message - to learn to do things more spontaneously by starting off with smaller things. I am thinking about things I can practice this with, just to get myself more used to it. This might sound a bit odd, but I thinking I might just start saying "Hi" or "Good morning" or whatnot to people whom I walk by on the way to work and whatnot. Not quite the same thing, won't have the "romantic" effect, but it will help with the "Just do it" bit (and help with my pseudo social anxiety bit also)

[Locke2121]

Then kiss her when you get home! My favorite kiss is the back of the neck..the chills this causes drives women crazy sometimes. Sneak up behind her and cup her front just as you do it. Start with a stomach grab at first, then over time work your way up. Being "taken" like this can be very exiting for a woman, but since its you, she feels safe as well.

 

Don't overdo the attention. Too much and it can get boring. This is something that comes at her outta the blue. Let up for a week or two, then a quick "thinking of you" from work.

 

I don't think you have pseudo anything. You sound like your wound up tighter than a long-tailed cat in a room of rocking chairs! But yeah, talk to people, even if its just to say hi. Smile, and get smiles in return. It will help you relax and become more outgoing.

[boston23]

Hey Solarist-

 

I just read through your journal...it seems like you've been doing really well! It's nice to see that you are starting to get your confidence. One thing I noticed is that you're judging yourself negatively a lot. I think it's great that you're working to change the things you need to change, but I think it would be better if you could take that judgement thing away and just realize that things are the way they are...and you can change some of those things that you don't like. Not sure if that makes sense, let me see if I can explain.

 

You called your social anxiety (ordering in the restaraunt stuff) "pathetic", and said that other people must be thinking the same thing about it. I'm guessing that no one here is judging you half as much as you're judging yourself. It's not pathetic to have social anxiety, it's just something that you're working on. So take that negative spin off of the issue. I'm sure you know that the more practice you have with it, the easier it becomes...I used to have the same issue talking to sales people (and well, until I was about 16 I would absolutely refuse to call anyone. I was not one of those girls who spent every minute on the phone). If you saw me in a store now you would never guess that I ever had a problem. I worked on it by forcing myself to go up to the sales people for help, even if I thought I could find the thing by myself. Once you realize that they're not going laugh in your face (even if you do mumble a bit), it gets easier and easier.

 

You also have said that you don't think you're as nice of a guy that you always thought you were. I disagree on that. You are a really nice guy...who just happens to have picked up some bad habits over the years. A lot of those habits are just because you want to protect yourself...passive aggressiveness, etc. So see yourself as a nice guy who is just working on getting rid of those things...and the fact that you've even noticed and you want to change them makes you that much nicer!

 

As for your wife bringing up the OM. It makes total sense that you wouldn't want her bringing him up to your children, etc. I think that for now, do what you've been doing...don't make it into a big thing when she does bring him up. As your relationship with her gets stronger and stronger, then you'll have more leverage to ask her not to bring him up, or even to stop talking to him. Oh, and she didn't mean anything by saying that the American Idol was hot, she was not saying it as a reflection of you at all. For her to share that with you is a good thing, not a bad thing. She was actually opening up a bit.

 

As for TV, I think you were right when you said that you should be more interactive with her and TV watching definitely does not help with that. You're trying to rekindle a great relationship...and the possibility is there, but watching TV together does not go towards that. I definitely think it's nice that you're spending time together, but it would be great if you guys could figure out other things to do as well (mini golf when the weather gets nice, etc). Go out on dates with her!!