asiu Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 he broke up with me saying i was a fantastic partner, but he had tried his best and things simply are not working anymore and he doesnt think the relationship is worth working on. basiclly he gives up, saying he 'doesnt feel the same way anymore'. i know theres nothing i can do to change his mind right now, but i've really taken the time to think of some things, here are my observations and questions that i hope there are answers to: i understood the long distance (we are currently study at different campuses) had taken a toll on the relationship, however, we were awesome and were really into each other until the fights(i immaturely picked) occurred. but c'mon now, the honeymoon is over and who doesn't fight, right? the arguments were mostly things like i think he's not paying enough attention to me or not regarding me as important. not entirely untrue, but i know i bring it up in immature fighting ways... in the end, if distance was a problem, wouldn't we have deteriorated much earlier? we will still be separated the whole summer, i am returning to his campus in fall and we have a group of mutual friends and we will see each other no matter wut this i know for sure. perhaps theres a chance things will be different when we see? constant arguments only happened roughly a month ago, and i was always the complaining one. i think the fights caused the flushing away of his feelings and passions, but is this for eternity, or its just periodical??? another thing i realized was that after our latest agreement to make up and repair the relationship (2 weeks ago), we didnt have the chance to really sit down and plan how to do it, it was basically empty sayings. i understood after that make up that he holds reservations towards having a serious relashionship because we're still young. he kept telling me he does not want the relationship to be any different than the one where we simply have fun together without all these fights. (but is he dwelling too much in the honeymoon phase?) i know he does not want to mislead me to think that the relationship is committed and he felt fear that the relationship is moving too quickly to a serious level. i had expressed understanding and willingness to back down, knowing wut he wants and doesnt want. i just have a hard time doing it but am still willing to try more. one mistake was that even when he visited (1 week ago), we didn't sit down to plan steps together in mending things. i overlooked that crucial step but only focused on doing fun activities together. that, wasn't enough to make things better altogether. we really hadn't talked about concrete changes together. i still hope theres a another chance, even knowing he has said he wants to end all ties. im am cutting contact with him to give each other space to think, we've agreed to speak again in a meantime, a few days if not more time. i still believe we have a chance, especially since i have really reevaluated myself. i don't believe a break up is the best way out for the relationship yet (however much denial this may be) but its still up to him. i was also obviously deprived of a chance to express any of my evaluations to him before he lost hope and had even given up and not willing to 'work' anymore. remember he said: "he had tried his best and things simply are not and will not work anymore." basiclly he gives up, saying he 'doesnt feel the same way anymore". but i feel a need to let him know my side of it...first of all, i had no idea he really felt he was trying SO hard and was trying his BEST already, and i feel i hadnt had the opportunity to give it my best shot after my very few failed attempts. it was just barely 2 weeks we last made up(btw, i initiated the last break up but he asked me not to leave him). unfortunately we reevaluated ourselves at different times and paces and haven't matched up with each other. as much as i want to mend things with him, i understand wut i have done has really really beat him down that he lost hope and (all?) feelings. we are supposed to talk again in a few days. about what, i don't know. i am not ready to talk to him. i want to if theres a chance, to truly apologize about my actions, i didnt know he felt he was trying his best, and felt so hopeless, and i feel i havent had the opportunity to try my best before he decided to end things... i don't know wut to expect when we next talk. is that the right time for me to express those observations? i don't want to sound like im 'convincing' him of course. please tell me how to handle this. is there ANY hope? what and how should we discuss during the next time we talk? he mentioned sending my things back during the end of the last conversation. i don't want to deal with that topic yet. how do i find out what he thinks about the relationship and what he wants? how do i go about this entire conversation, how do i say my stuff? thank you so so much. best regards.[/font][/font] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 Welcome to enotalone. You may get more responses if you edit your post so it is shorter, and maybe use a font 1 size bigger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnderBear Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 Hi asiu I will not gon into each and every question you asked in this post, but I will lend my general opinion. As you said at the end, he may not want mislead to you by going too fast, and he also may not want a real serious relationship right now, and you pushing for it makes him totally back out and want to cut all contact. Maybe you should thereforeeee suggest you just be good friends and talk about everyday things and such, but not hold hands, cuddle and that sort of things, if you can manage that. You have mutual friends at campus, and you will thereforeee have to meet occasionally anyway next semester, right? Maybe if you play it casual and get to hang out a bit, he will appreciate you being around, like last time you were there, and you may be able to pick your relationship back up. Long distance relationships can be tough, and feelings may flux alot when you are away from each other, so it is a hard task to analyze what is really going on. I hope you find some help in my viewpoint, and also hope someone else will also lend their opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asiu Posted April 30, 2007 Author Share Posted April 30, 2007 i've edited it and made it more clear. hope it helps. thankyou everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solarplexus Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 Asiu, Nobody here has answers to your questions. Nobody can know and guess what he is thinking. UnderNear pointed some very good points. But that if you will not be emotional and can stand to stay friends with him, which usually is a very very hard task. So far you have decided to get to gather for a talk, tell him the mistakes you think you have done and tell him that they are all recoverable. Though I do not think that this will change his mind. But worth trying in case he is not fully decided. But usually the best thing is to agree and respect his decision and stay aloof. This would really make him reconsider his decision. There is no point in evaluating his actions and words. You can not read his mind. Stay with the truth you have in front of you. That is he does want to breakup. You can not change his mind but you may expect him to reconsider his decision. Hope this gives you some inspiration. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boston23 Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 Hi asiu Sorry to hear about your break up. It's tough to go through that, and it's especially tough if you feel you didn't get to say you needed to say. For now though, I think he's made up his mind and you do know how he feels about you. I also think that it won't help your situation to go and tell him all the reasons that you guys shouldn't break up. Basically, he'll listen to what you have to say and then say that he's already made up his mind. The way I see it, I don't think that talking to him anytime soon is going to help out anything. You won't change his mind (and if you were to convince him to change his mind, your relationship would still be doomed b/c he would feel that you had made the decision to get back into the relationship, not him). Talking to him will just hurt. Give yourself a break and go NC (No Contact). There are many many threads on this forum about NC (many of them written by SuperDave, who's really helpful). Basically, you're supposed to use NC to heal and get your focus back to you...not your ex. Even though NC isn't actually designed to help you get back your ex, SuperDave points out in many threads that not doing NC actually hurts your chances. Your ex isn't going to change his mind because you explained it all to him the way you see it. He needs to change his mind on his own and figure out how he sees it. For now, take his answer as his final answer and give him some time. The only things he's rememerbering with your relationship right now are the recent bad times...not the good times I'm sure you shared. Give him a chance to remember those times, and don't let him think about you as the needy ex who kept on trying to convince him to get back together. So go read some of SuperDave's posts. Always very helpful...and explain NC much better than I can PS I know there's a ton of stuff you want to say to your ex. I found it really helpful to write letters (that I would never in a million years show him) filled with all the stuff I needed to say. It's helpful to get the whiny "I miss you so muchs" and the "how could you do this, you bastards" out of your system...and it's better to get out on paper than to his face Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asiu Posted April 30, 2007 Author Share Posted April 30, 2007 so i should just do NC and stay away completely for now? what to do when he tries to contact me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puckdog27 Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 so i should just do NC and stay away completely for now? what to do when he tries to contact me? Be polite and brief. Act like you are busy. "Nice to hear from you but Im in the middle of something. Talk to you sometime" but dont initiate contact. Read SuperDaves initial post on the No Contact Challenge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asiu Posted May 1, 2007 Author Share Posted May 1, 2007 i think the point on NC is to SHOW him (you may not feel this way) that you have moved on quicker than he did so he starts wondering why and reflecting on things. it is because at this point he still thinks he did THE RIGHT THING, but there's probably still sth to savage. and if you realize that, and show him you've reflected and moved on (SHOW, i dont mean tell). He may or may not start re-thinking, and if the light bulb lights up in his head, he may want to reconcile. If not, then its a pity he never realized it and its a true time to move on. one can only hope the dumper reflects and is willing to accept the change he SEES. no one can make them. i just got dumped, took me 2 days to realize this through lots of reading. i think im doing real well. have a nice day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asiu Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 oh gosh, need help before NC... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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