malibuanpine Posted April 20, 2007 Share Posted April 20, 2007 Just my two cents on this issue. I'm a lurker on this board and have been for a while. Anyway, I agree with SD and bear to a certain extent. I agree with SD tha worrying about it isn't going to solve anything, but I agree with Bear in that while you do not want to worry about it, it will still consume you regardless. You will wonder, you will think about them, you will fantacize. You can try to keep yourself occupied so you don't think about them but it is of no use. I am back with SD here because NC really is the only way. Any other way will drive you crazy. I have hopes after a year that we will get back together. He was the dumper and he tried to get back with me but I told him I deserved better. He then instituted NC to heal from that, and so did I. We are both doing NC and it has been a year. I think about him every day and wish we would get back together, but I cannot break NC because it is a matter of pride plus I cannot imagine exposing myself to that kind of pain again. I know he is seeing someone else and I hope that he realizes that I was the one for him all along and do what he has to do to get me back, but these fantasies are only holding me back...I must continue NC. It's over. Concentrate on reaching that place where you are fully healed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperDave71 Posted April 20, 2007 Share Posted April 20, 2007 bear12, I do apologize for over simplifying. I guess I must keep in mind that not everyone thinks like I do. I guess I am wanting those who ARE hurting so much to ask themselves the same questions I did and that little light bulb above their heads to pop on.... The questions will be answered in time...I hate seeing people hurt. I didn't want to be alone and I wanted answers to. It's always easier to give advice than to take it....I know that for a fact. I appreciate your response and you have a friend in me. Things will get better. You do what is best for you....just remember you are not alone. -SuperDave71 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bear12 Posted April 20, 2007 Share Posted April 20, 2007 bear12, I appreciate your response and you have a friend in me. -SuperDave71 ditto! Bear Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malibuanpine Posted April 20, 2007 Share Posted April 20, 2007 So to the OP do they ever get over us as we get over them? The answer to that is yes in most cases; and usually they will get over you faster than a 100m sprinter at the Olympics. Their not getting over us is the exception. That is reality. Hope is a luxury one cannot afford in matters of the heart. I'm trying to get rid of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bear12 Posted April 20, 2007 Share Posted April 20, 2007 well, i do agree it's the rare case that a couple gets back together, but i do think that NC oftentimes brings more healing for the dumpee than the dumper for the very reason that the dumpee is usually making a concerted effort to get over their ex- they try to focus on the negatives of the relationship, go out and meet new fun people, better themeselves, expand their horizons, etc, etc. as a result, in the end we often end up as more self reflective, mature, happier people than we were before the break up. on the other hand, the dumper doesn't necessarily do all of this. they may date someone new, but it's very unlikely they look at the NC as a chance to better themselves and forget about their ex. plus, the dumper has to live with the added stress of always questioning their decision- always wondering if they made the worst mistake of their life by getting rid of you, while we had no choice but to deal with it. this might lead them to compare their new flame to you in a way that differs from the way that dumpees do this... that's not to say that it's a good idea to hold out hope and not move on, but i guess my point is that NC likely has a different effect on dumpers than it does on dumpees and as a result i'm not sure that it helps them "get over" us the same way it helps us get "over them" that's why a lot of times when the dumper DOES come back, the dumpee says "no thanks!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sneaker Posted April 20, 2007 Share Posted April 20, 2007 houdini, I've been following some of your posts and I want to say that I really feel your pain. You're hurting hard, really hard. There are things you can do to distract yourself from it for now and with time, the distractions will turn into things that you look forward to because they're fun for you. Obviously you'll change them around sometimes but if you've got something in your head to work with, you'll do a lot better. Do you have a physical exercise routine? Do you have a daily routine? What about things you do every week? It can be extremely helpful to establish "rituals" for yourself, little milestones to know that you're still alive. For instance: I ride my bike to and from work as often as possible, usually four times each week. I started going to yoga class every Thursday with a friend of mine. Every Tuesday I have an evening meeting at work. Every weekday morning I get up at the same time and get into the shower. I plan for my meals so that I'm not sitting at home wishing I had food to eat. I chat with friends that live far away every day. I do laundry on Saturday afternoons or evenings. Do you have a favorite restaurant? I have a favorite burrito joint that I go to at least once a week for dinner. Do you have any books or magazines that you enjoy reading? Try going to a cafe to read instead of sitting at home. What about hobbies that you've had in the past? I like working on art projects. None of these things are cures. I still hurt. I write a lot in my journal. But I feel like I'm getting a little bit better with each passing day. There's a lot of good that comes out of the things I'm describing. First, you keep yourself busy so that you're not sitting around moping all the time. Second, you're forcing yourself to do things that you enjoy, since it can be hard to find the motivation to do them otherwise. Third, you're developing yourself so that in the future there's an almost 100% chance that someone will meet you and think "this guy is really awesome!" Anyway, I know that's not really the question you're looking to answer but I hope I've given you some ideas to think about. You gotta get your brain off the treadmill and onto the trail. Best vibes to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houdini Posted April 20, 2007 Author Share Posted April 20, 2007 malibuanpine,superdave,bear12, In reference to Malibu's post above this brought me to another topic that I think NC plays a big part in. The issue of "pride" while in NC and how it affects both the dumper and the dumpee. Malibu stated she was dumped, the dumper wanted her back, she said no but hopes that they get back together but will not contact out of "pride". I've read many times that pride will go out the window for love if the dumper wants to get back. Malibu was turned into the dumper when she said no to her ex and now will not make any contact because of "pride". Does pride play a big part in why people don't get back together? In breakups that involved some type of neglect or lack of affection or other issues, the dumper can possibly feel that the dumpee should be the one to make an effort or make contact with the dumper?!?! I'm trying to understand how and why NC is preached so much here and if it is true that NC apply's to ever breakup and if it helps every situation. Houdini Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluejane Posted April 20, 2007 Share Posted April 20, 2007 Hi, I'm new to this site, and just wanted to say that besides NC, what I've found helpful is concentrating on making other people happy. It takes my mind off of focusing on my misery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houdini Posted April 20, 2007 Author Share Posted April 20, 2007 Sneaker, Thanks for the advice! To answer your questions on what I do to keep myself busy. I go to the gym, I've gone on a few dates with some great women and spend a lot of time with my 2 daughters here and focus on my job and putting my life back together. Throughout all this effort to pick things back up I feel a huge sense of betrayal. I relate this feeling to a feeling of your brother running off with your wife, that's how much it hurts to have believed in this woman so much and believe every word up until 2 weeks where she totally did a 180 and vanished. I hold a lot of anger inside and resentment on how she did me wrong and to know that the kids involved will suffer the most by her decision. I know everyone has a right to be happy whether it be with me or someone else but she did not have to lead me on for so long only to pull the rug out from under my feet. I continue to pick up the pieces of my life after this disastrous part of my life. I can't help but hope that she is taught a lesson through this and that she regrets what she's done. This is why I possibly hold out hope, not only to get her back but for her to realize what a foolish decision she made. Houdini Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sneaker Posted April 20, 2007 Share Posted April 20, 2007 I hold a lot of anger inside and resentment... Ah yes, the bitter twins of anger and resentment. Work on letting these things go. It will be hard, very hard, but when you do let them go, really let them go, you will be a different person. Sometimes a counselor or therapist can help with this step. Good luck to you, my friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.