As we get over them do they get over us?

[houdini]

Thanks everyone for giving me great advice and baring with me through my emotional rambles.

 

I was thinking this morning that I go through each day fighting through this pain I feel. I fight to get over someone I loved and to move on and get over her. I can't help but think that she is doing the same and my hope as many others here is to someday get back together. So I guess my question is, if there is any hope for reconciliation how can there be any chance of getting back together if both people are working to get over one another? What is it that clicks in the dumpers mind to give it another shot if the dumper is also working to get over the relationship they had with us.

 

I don't know I just keep thinking and holding out hope that someday she will realize she made a mistake but I'm finding that harder and harder to believe if we are both trying to get over one another.

 

Thanks for listening!

 

Houdini

[shaba]

Well I'm no expert by any stretch but the way it worked for me was that I began to heal and get on with my life and my ex (the dumper) found he was not enjoying life without me in it. I think it is different for everyone. I will tell you though that I never would have thought in a million years that he would be the one to suck it up and ask to come back. He is extremely stubborn. But he did.

[darkpumpkin]

I believe that though it is hard it for the dumper they do not see it as "getting over" the dumpee. They get over the habits that they have developed with the person but I don't think they go through the same steps. As so with that I think what hits them is that they realize "I was happy" "they were what I wanted" after they have lived and seen what it's like on the other side. And then again they also find relief because they did the right thing and walked away when there person wasn't and still probably isn't enough.

[SuperDave71]

Houdini,

 

If you concentrated more positive energy on loving you.....you wouldn't ask this hypothetical question.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Bada-Bing]

usually they are over us, before they dump us...so from there, whatever they might have felt and all that has already been gone for some time. Hence the breakup

[houdini]

Ok SuperDave,....get the duct tape....is there any type of duct tape to keep me from thinking these crazy thoughts!!!!! I'm killing myself over here, trying to work, it's not easy when you work on a computer all day in a quiet office and have 8hrs to think all day.

 

Houdini

[Dubb]

Sometimes you have to get over someone in order for it to work again. The next person that comes along could make the dumpee realize what they left behind. I know a few people who have broken up and started new relationships and got back together a couple years down the line. I have a close friend that had this happen and he said it would of never worked then. Sometimes I think it's best we take our hands off the steering wheel and let life lead us.

[SuperDave71]

I understand Houdini....I do.

 

 

Answer this for me ( and really think about it )

 

What does worrying accomplish? Does letting heart run amok about your ex accomplish anything?

 

There is an old saying that states:

 

The smallest EFFORT is greater than the LARGEST intension.

 

 

Think about it....

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[houdini]

Bada-Bing,

 

I understand that everyones situation is different and I've heard many times that the dumper is over us before they actually break up. So if that's the case what makes them change their mind if they had been over us way before they broke up? Is it cases like shaba and darkpumpkin above stated?

 

I know I'm trying to hold on to bits and pieces of whats left of my ex but I just have to get some comfort from something, enough to ease my pain and hope so that I can move on.

 

Houdini

[SuperDave71]

You're missing the point all together....

 

 

Look at the fact...regardless if you broke up with her or vice versa..you are NO LONGER A COUPLE...that is one thing you DO know...

 

 

Now answer my above questions....

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[daveygravey]

Some people just want what they can't have - the baby & the rattle syndome. Other couples just aren't compatible at certain stages of life, but later on down the road realise they are (different goals, morals etc.)

 

My ex and I are over, she has completely changed and turned into somebody I really don't find attractive anymore (I still love her though and am still in pain, but I am accepting reality). However, who knows, in a few years down the road she may realise that what we had was special and none of her other boyfriends gave her what she needed. Then it would be up to me to take her back. Hopefully I wouldn't, because she was a deceiptful cow when we split so doesn't deserve a second chance.

 

The dumper very rarely needs to grieve for a break up, because as you said their feelings have already been fading and they don't have to deal with the 'shock' factor of being rejected out of nowhere. Also the dumper already has somebody else lined up as a rebound, so they jump straight into a new relationship and so never have time to dwell on the past.

[darkpumpkin]

Psst....SuperDave is quite correct. There are no guarantees. She is out of your life and that is the fact right now.

 

Better do what he says. He may actually get the duct tape.

[houdini]

SD,

 

Worrying doesnt accomplish anything but keep me at a stand still and not move on. I guess my problem is letting go of hope. I analyze everthing I have left and hope that there is some sign that she may come back someday. But the truth is, she hasn't contacted me in over 2 months and this is coming from a woman that had to know where I was at all times, so it is quite confusing and the confusion and unanswered questions has kept me where I'm at today (worrying,sad,confused and lost) how does one let that all go and give up?

 

Houdini

[SuperDave71]

This is a reverse psychology thing....

 

 

What you are doing is plain and simple....

 

 

You would NEVER want anyone to give up on you....so you are HOPING that she would do the same....

 

 

 

Look at the facts...

 

 

Her actions ( nothing) is speaking louder than ANY words....

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[darkpumpkin]

She has already given up on you. No amount of hope will change that. I think some people read so much here about the ex's contacting and I think in a way it gives them (it did me for awhile) hope that will apply to them as well. You hold on to the hope that it worked for them it must work for me.

 

It doesn't. Some people do move on and never come back. You can't fight it, you can't stop it. But can you spend your whole life feeling this way?

[houdini]

Ok, worrying doesn't accomplish anything, worrying about something I have no control over doesn't accomplish anything but keep me in the same place and not move on. So, just give up on hope all together? is that what you did SD? I know your story and you went complete NC but during that time did you have hope that you and her would get back together and what was it that made her come back?

 

Houdini

 

Go easy on the duct tape please!!!

[Bada-Bing]

Houdini,

 

I dont know what to tell ya there friend, i know for me, i hung on to hope that we would get back together, i wanted that more then anything, and yes at times, it seemed as if we would. But, as it is, the only thing i can do, is hold on to the good memories that i have, and slowly each day. just let it go...because if not, i would drive my self crazy, and i am to the point now, were i feel that i will be the one missed in the long run...and i take that with me...give it some time, and you will be able to be at peace with yourself, it has taken me almost two years to get where i am at right now.

[bear12]

Houdini,

 

If you concentrated more positive energy on loving you.....you wouldn't ask this hypothetical question.

 

-SuperDave71

 

 

okay, here's the thing. i know superdave has given people lots of great advice and help. i know he's very well intended and many people have a great deal of respect and appreciation for him and i in no way mean this as a personal attack or wish to start a fight here, but...

 

with that said, i think holding out hope and wondering about these types of hypothetical questions can be a very normal part of the healing process- the part where you try to make sense of what's going on and where to go from here. and i don't think the OP should feel the least bit bad for wondering about this. i mean, if someone is putting themselves through the very difficult process of cutting all communication with their ex, i think it's only natural for them to wonder what the repurcussions of that may be. hopefully, NC will eventually become a way to heal yourself, but i think it's hard for most people to accept that in the very beginning...

 

i think it's extremely unrealistic to ask/expect people to cut such thoughts out of their mind completely... or to somehow imply that they're handling the situation "wrong" or that you know the "one true way" to heal. i agree that it's important to try to move on, focus on yourself rather than your ex, and maybe superdave doesn't really mean to imply that they're doing anything "wrong" now and only that he hopes they start moving on to focsing more on themselves.

 

still- and please don't hate me for this- i always felt as though i was supposed to bow down to superdave's wisdom and be in total awe of his advice and feel bad whenever i did something contrary to his way... when in truth i think making some of these "mistakes"- if you can even call them that- with your ex and your thinking process is part of the learning experience. not to mention that everyone is different and everyone's situation is different and this blanket advice may not always apply to everyone.

 

okay, again, sorry if this offends anyone.. maybe it's just me who feels this way, but i guess i'm just sick of hearing "NC, focus on yourself, no if ands or buts about it." i don't feel like it's that easy and i feel to imply that it should be sometimes makes people feel that something is wrong with them if it's not. that's all.

[darkpumpkin]

I agree with you bear12. But i have also lived in the difference from living in my misery and dealing with my misery.

 

I'm quite sick of the saying "NC focus on yourself" because darn it's hard and that's not what I want do. Everything is a process and you have glitches but the ultimate goal should be moving through and towards a place where you can heal. Not living day after day after day in misery wondering the if's and focusing on the never will be's again.

[SuperDave71]

Bear12,

 

I am NOT offended in anyway. I give my advice on a "Take it or leave it" basis. I hear where you are coming from. I really do...BUT..

 

Let me explain my "madness":

 

 

Breaking up with an ex NOT MATTER who's initiated it, can be very devestating. The ego can be knocked to the ground and kicked. To think that the very person that said they would "Love you forever" just kicked you to the curb...

 

What they mean to say is "I will love you forever (unless someone better comes along). Sicking but true. When this amount of flooded emotion hits your heart...it usually hits quickly and MOST of the time ...surprisingly.

 

 

We are all enquisitive people by nature. I know I cannot REASONABLY say "What good is worrying doing?" and expect those who are not healing to understand what I am getting at but...but in MY defense...I can. Ask most anyone who has gone thru the worst past of a breakup and they will tell you...

 

"I get it now" ...I understand what so many people were trying to make me see. It goes back to the "you will have to experience it for yourself" attitude. We all all different, but with a common experience, we are similar and can relate more with not only each other, but with the experience.

 

We ask ask all the questions we want but when we expect answers to every one of them...and we don't get them...what happens? Do we always want to know? Or do we naturally tell ourselves, "I guess it was not for me to know."

 

I do hear what you are saying bear, I am again NOT offended in anyway.

 

Logically speaking, worrying gets us NO WHERE. I can worry about how I will die, but until I die....What is the worrying solving. NOTHING. To open your heart o healing starts with accepting that when 2 people breakup...its over.

 

Think of it this way...If you were fired from your job, do you go in the next day and say.."Am I REALLLLLY fired?" Do you sit at home and wonder "I wonder if my old job i STILL thinking about me." Silly analogy but its the same experience without the emotional attachment.

 

You add emotion to ANYTHING, it can be complicated IF YOU LET IT.

 

Some people understand math better than others, they wonder why those thaht don't understand, CAN'T. It's because we MAKE IT COMPLICATED because we are not interested in it. (so to speak)

 

As far as mistakes, we all make mistakes. I am a simple man. I have been thru this routine many times. I am no guru...I am not a problem solver...but i do have compassion for my fellow man.

 

If you have experienced and changed as much as I have in a positive way, woudl you not want to try and help those who were just like you before? I would NEVER expect anyone to assume I have the answers ...but I do make sense. I only hope that those I have helped, share not only what they have learned from me....but what they learned from themselves.

 

 

I wish you all the best...and bear12...You take care of yourself and thank you for your opinion.

 

 

SuperDave71

[macgyver4ever]

I believe that though it is hard it for the dumper they do not see it as "getting over" the dumpee. They get over the habits that they have developed with the person but I don't think they go through the same steps. As so with that I think what hits them is that they realize "I was happy" "they were what I wanted" after they have lived and seen what it's like on the other side. And then again they also find relief because they did the right thing and walked away when there person wasn't and still probably isn't enough.

 

 

I think this is a great point. The dumper isn't trying to get over us. They try to block memories of us and not let us effect their new lives. I feel that something has to go wrong in this new life, to help them realize that what they had was what they wanted. People DO make mistakes, and it sometimes takes time to realize this. I've headed down a wrong path before in life, and it always takes hitting rock bottom before you realize that what you were doing was wrong.

 

I had a problem with alcohol before I turned 21. It wasn't that I was an alcoholic, it was just that EVERYTIME I drank I got into trouble. It took a police escorted trip to the hospital for me to completely stop, and get my life back on track. That was my rock bottom.

 

The thing about this, our ex's new life may be better without us. I think my ex was perfect for me, but I may not have been perfect for her. Does that make me a lesser person: NO. This also doesn't mean the "new guy" is better than me, or even better for her. They've been together a few months, and I know he can never live up to me, but he may be a better fit. Maybe a "good guy" isn't right for her.

 

Think of it this way too bud, if we aren't good enough for them, will anybody?

[SuperDave71]

How many times have we done things we didn't want to do...or experience but AFTER..was glad we did?

 

 

NC is not a CURE all......but if you use it the way you should, you will feel so much better than if you didn't. You have my word on that.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[houdini]

This is the most confusing part of NC because myself and I'm sure many people here want or atleast hope there is still a chance at getting back together. I know it all depends on the circumstances involved and not all dumpees want their ex back. But in my case we had normal problems but were under extreme circumstances to keep our relationship going but had all the more reason to work through it (children).

 

This is why I have trouble with NC (60days today) and under the circumstances we broke up I find it very hard to let go and give up hope. When there is cheating involve or abuse then the dumpee has something to stand on, to justify the breakup but when you're caught of guard as I was you tend to hold onto any hope there might be because there were no major problems. This is why I keep analyzing things and hold out hope that she is just going through a phase or something because of the way she left me.

 

I know it's better to let go and to move on than to hold on and stay stuck. Letting go for me is letting go of my dreams with the kids and my ex and right now I can't imagine having these same dreams with someone else even after I've healed.

 

Houdini

[bear12]

superdave-

 

i'm very glad you're not offended.. and i think i do understand what you're saying...and yes, i think it's very admirable that you come back to share what you've learned b/c the vast majority of people just come here, take what they need to heal and never come back (and that's probably what the forum is intended for for the most part) but of course, having people who have come out okay on the other side adds so much to this community.

 

if you mean nothing more than to offer your humble opinion, that's great. that's all any of us can do. and i know you don't have time to write a novel to every person you respond to, but i guess if i were really hurting and someone responded to me with something so simple and generic as "stop thinking like that!" i'd end up feeling worse- like there was something wrong with me for experiencing so much pain and having these thoughts, which, of course are very natural. so maybe my problem isnt' with the msg, just with the delivery at times.

[Dako]

I don't mean to trivialize your pain, but it's very common to maintain hope while recovering from a breakup. We all feel our situation is so very different, but isn't it simply a phase of accepting a loss?

 

My split from my ex was a grueling process, but one thing tha that helped was my knowledge that there was no chance of reconciliation. From the moment she left, I accepted the end of our 27 years together without question.

 

I can't imagine the burden of hope during the grieving phase.

Let go of her, as well as any fantasies and you'll be able to reject the pain.