Friend is getting married...question about bridesmaid duties

[kekep]

Hi all,

 

My friend from college is getting married in June. The guy she is marrying is in the military and is stationed up in Fairbanks, Alaska for the next 5 years. Late last year, she dropped out of school here to move up there to live with him, and he popped the question. Anyway, I am one of the bridesmaids in her wedding, and because she's living in Alaska and I am in Louisiana, it's been difficult to determine how much I need to be involved in the planning process. For instance, me and one of the other bridesmaids that I'm friends with from college (but who lives in Memphis) are planning a beach weekend to celebrate her bachelorette party; I plan on paying for my stay in the hotel room, drinks for her (and extra liquor purchases) and probably some cutesey party favors for all of the girls. I paid for half of my dress (we are having them custom-made), and once all is said and done, the dress will have cost me $400 total ($100 for fabric and $300 to have it custom made--this does not include shoes and having my hair and makeup done).

 

So, between the girls' weekend and my dress, I figure I'll have spent b/w $800-1000 for this wedding. This also doesn't include all of the gifts I will have to buy for the bridal showers her mom is planning. And that brings me to my question: her mom (who lives in the same city as me) has been calling me about 2 showers she is planning and helping to plan with a friend of hers. One she is throwing at a nice hotel, and will include family members and close friends (probably 50+ people) and the second shower is going to be a lingerie shower, and will probably only be close close friends of the bride's. It is being held at my her mom's friend's house. When I spoke to her on the phone, her mom didn't come out and ask, but I got the impression that she wanted me to help pay for one of the showers. She even said that she was feeling "financially drained" from the wedding expenses. Now, my sister and I just purchased a house on top of everything (closing was literally 2 days ago), which has made money tight for me. I am not a cheap or a tacky person, and I am actually known for being generous (not to toot my own horn, but I will in this case!)...I am concerned about etiquette here, however. Should I offer to pay, or do I just avoid the topic altogether?

 

I think another reason I am having issues with offering to pay is 1) my friend is in Alaska and, even though we talk on the phone occasionally, we are not as close as we used to be and 2) I have to work full-time to pay for my things, and my friend is playing housewife to her army boyfriend up in Alaska and does not have to work b/c her fiance pays for everything. She is always bragging about how he doesn't "want her to work, b/c he loves having a wife to come home to." Which is fine, whatever, but it makes me feel a little resentful in this particular situation. That is probably really b*tchy to say, but can anyone relate to the way I am feeling?? I would appreciate any advice. Thank you!

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Are you the maid of honor?

[kekep]

Nope, just a lowly bridesmaid

[kellbell]

Okay,

 

It is my understanding that the MOH, the maid of honor takes on many of the responsibilites for the bride. Such as arranging the bridal shower, the bachelorette party, basically she is tending the braid all the way until the end. Of course the bridemaids can help in the planning and whatnot but the ultimate responsibility goes to the MOH. My friend was the Matron of Honor for her friend's wedding and the shower, the party, the money came out of her pocket. And cooridinating these parties is usually a joint effort of the MOH and the bride's family member (i.e. mother, sister)

 

Her mother should be talking to the MOH, not you. I think for a bride's maid, you are shelling out too much, especially if she is a friend from school whom you do not associate with as much. People will take advantage of you IF YOU LET THEM and I see the beginning stages of it in your post. Put your foot down....NOW!!! $1000 is A LOT to spend on the bride...it is ridiculous. Make a plan on what you are going to spend and STICK TO IT!!! Do not let her mom or anyone else bully or guilt you into doing more.

 

Good luck.