Advice Required - Love Triangle...

[Ed1]

Posted on here a couple of weeks ago and got flamed for having an affair – which is justifiably deserved. I know that I am doing wrong, but believe me I am hurting so much. Yes…some of you will say that I have got what I deserve but I am not a bad guy, and don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to be happy.

 

I have been seeing a woman for 4 months, and really want to be with her. The problem is she is in a long term relationship – and so am I. Neither of us have been unfaithful before either in our current or past relationships – which doesn’t make what we are doing any better, but I never thought I could do what I am doing. We have both been in our current relationships for 5 – 6 years.

 

I have made the decision that I want to be with this woman, I am in Love with her, and I can truly see myself marrying her. She says she is in love with me, wants to be with me, talks about marriage, kids etc, but doesn’t want to hurt her current partner. She says that she cares about him, but wants/needs to be with me. This is obviously a very emotional time for both of us, and it can’t continue the way it is. She says she needs time to talk to her partner. She did originally go through a stage of feeling that she owed it to her partner to talk things through and give the relationship a chance. She now feels like there isn’t much point and that it will probably prolong the inevitable. She is really scared of hurting of boyfriend as he left his last partner to be with this woman, and at the time it caused a lot of pain for him – he had to see a psychologist for a year. She now feels like she owes him something – but knows that her heart is not with him – it is with me. The problem is her partner never wants to talk when she instigates conversations – so life carries on as is. On top of this her current relationship has never been very sexually charged / intimate, but she is a very sexual woman, both with me, and in her previous relationships. The chemistry just isn’t there in her current relationship. She wants kids and her current partner says he doesn’t. There are so many significant issues in her relationship, but she still feels that she owes him something, to keep trying to make things right, which is commendable.

 

My question is, how can I get the message accross that I can’t keep going like this, I can’t put my life on hold indefinitely, but equally I want to be with her, and I love her. I don’t want to put her under pressure, because it is a tough time for her, but equally how long should I give her, or what should I say/do. I don’t see the point in an ultimatum, but would like to think that things will be resolved soon.

 

Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

Ed.

[RayKay]

Have you ended it with YOUR partner yet? If not, then it's not fair to expect her to end it with hers yet either.

 

If you do want this woman, end it with your partner, tell her you are not going to contact her for a month or two until she has resolved things, and then let her sort things out. If she does not, you will have your answer.

 

Honestly, I do think that in 5-6 years you are going to find your relationship with this woman (if you are with her) similar to the one you are in now as I think you are mistaking the excitement and passion of infatuation and risk with what is required to create real love. There are going to be tremendous trust issues involved here and once you are together in the day to day and dealing with bills, farts and stress - things won't seem as "perfect". Love is not just about YOU being happy; it is about caring about the happiness of your partner and their growth as well. That is where real love comes from. It is easy to be "happy" four months into "dating" someone and mistake that for "true love".

 

And given you both know how you deal with relationships when things aren't perfect....well.....

 

I hope the best, but I think you also are not grounded in reality given the limited time you have spent with this woman, it is still only four months in, it is an affair....and neither of you have given it a real chance by ENDING the previous relationships first.

[rosy]

Hi Ed

 

Don`t worry i`m not here to flame you for having an affair as i`m very much in the same boat as you.

 

This so much sounds like my situation where i want to get on with my life with this new man of mine as i just cnt carry on anymore with my husband. Me and this other guy have talked about the future etc, this time last year he was so adament he wanted to be with me and showed it too me in many ways he was serious. .

 

He has 3 kids with his wife, alot of painful things happened between us his family found out and he was given ultimatums. Anyway he cant decide now what he wants as well say he doesn`t love his wife at all but just feels so sorry for his kids and that is what is holding him back. Says he cant lose me too. I sometimes understand where he's coming from as i have a daughter but i know if i was to separate with my hub she would come with me but in his case he would lose his kids.

 

I know i cant also carry on living like this as it drives me mad but when i start talkin about the future with him his kids come into it and says im still with my hubby so until im not separated there's not alot we can do. Few people i have shared this with have said he wants the best of both worlds which sounds like what this other woman wants as well. She doesn`t even have kids with this guy she is with nor is she married to him so it's not going to be that hard for her if she truly wants to be with you.

 

I personally think you should make it very clear how u feel and whether u have a future together as its not a good feeling being lingered around. She isn`t tied down to him so u talking about it as much as u want shouldn`t be a problem but pl dont let her string u along too.

 

I`m so much in love with this other guy im wiv that no matter what he does i just cant let go no matter how much i try. U dont want to be in that situation believe.

 

Just give her an ultimatum!

[Ed1]

RayKay - thanks for your more "gentle" approach this time. Believe me, I am not a bad person, and I do want to treat the woman in my life right. If I didn't care I wouldn't be hurting so bad, and posting on here. Yes, it is self inflicted, and a hard lesson in life...something I will never repeat.

 

No I have not split up with my current partner - to be honest - I have not even worked out how I am going to do this. All the focus at the minute is me and this woman - VERY selfish I know. We met up at the weekend and had an amazing weekend together - when we are together we both are 100% sure of what we both want - to be together. When we go home, she see's her partner and feels really guilty, she says he needs her, and she owes it to be with him due to the fact he split up with his ex for them to be together. Then she proceeds to tell me that she is IN love with me, she needs me, and wants me, but is really terrified of what needs to be done and how to do it. She doesn't want the split to come as a shock to her partner, but more of a case of breaking the news to him gently i.e say things aren't working etc, say things are wrong e.g. Sex life, communication etc. prehaps give it some more time to see if things change. They haven't for the past year or so and certain things have never been right, but she just feels immense guilt, which when we are apart seems to over ride her feelings for me/us.

 

Rosy - thanks for sharing your experiences with me, and I appreciate your advice.

 

How do you give a woman an ultimatum like this? I don't want to loose her because she feels under tremendous pressure, and does not feel like she has been given the opportunity/time to work things through herself, with her partner.

 

The main problem to me is that both of our current relationships must be fundamentally ruined now. We have cheated, the trust has gone, and their is naturally immense guilt. This is an emotional and physical affair...

 

What are peoples thoughts - how am I best to deal with this - I really don't want to loose this woman, but the situation is killing me.

 

Thanks again,

 

Ed.

[karvala]

Be honest here, Ed; if this woman suddenly decided that she was going to stay with her partner after all, and ended things with you, would you then attempt to continue your relationship with your current partner? I ask, because I have the impression that the real answer is yes, and that this is why you haven't told your current partner. And this is probably one of the reasons that this other woman is also hesitating; neither of you wants to jump first, in case you end things with your partner, and then find the other one doesn't end things with their partner, and you're left with no one. Sound like it might be true?

 

RayKay was right; if you want her to leave her partner instead of the situation continuing as it is, the most effective thing you can do is an act of faith and leave your current partner, and be available to her, and show her that she's not going to be left high and dry. If you're not prepared to do that (and I understand the pain and difficulty of telling your current partner, but it's got to happen at some point, and it'll be no easier tomorrow than it is today), then she has every right to wonder how committed you really are to the change, and hesitate.

[treefrogkate]

I agree with karvala and RayKay. You need to break it off with your current partner if you truly don't want to be with her anymore. It's not fair to her either way, even more so if the only reason you stay with her is because the other woman decides not to leave her partner. This girl should be free to not be "second best" or "the backup plan" to her boyfriend, and you can't give that to her.

[starlight]

She is really scared of hurting of boyfriend as he left his last partner to be with this woman, and at the time it caused a lot of pain for him – he had to see a psychologist for a year.

 

Ed1, don't you find it a little strange that this women has a history of taking other women's partner's? Maybe she likes the challenge of stealing someone else's partner. People who are insecure like doing this and gives them a feeling of confidence. Expect the same to happen to you my friend.

[Ed1]

Many thanks for your advice, and thought provoking comments.

 

Both this woman and my current relationships started with overlap, in the sense that my g/f was seeing someone else, and her b/f was seeing someone else when we first met. Nobody is perfect, and I don’t believe that life is necessarily as simple as finding your true love when both are single. If only it was….

 

I have re-iterated my total commitment to this woman, and she says she has no doubts about that and my feelings for her. Both of us are terrified of hurting our current partners, it is not a case of being unsure of our feelings for each other, more a case of being unsure of our feelings for our current partners and the fear of hurting them.

 

The question is could either of us really expect our current relationships to get back on track, after all that has been done? We have emotionally and physically cheated on our partners for 4 months – all we have thought about is each other, and how we can sort this mess out. Everything is right with us, physically, sexually, mentally – I truly believe we are perfect for each other. The problem is neither of us was looking outside our relationships when we first met, neither of us have been unfaithful before, and it has turned our lifes upside down.

 

Thanks again for all your advice.

 

Ed.

[RayKay]

Ed; I hate to again reiterate this but it is not hard for everything to be "right" in the first four months, particularly in an affair. The truth is, you have not seen how she acts at home when she is upset with her partner, or how she treats him when she has gotten bored; and she has not seen you at your worst either. The fact is, that right now you are still presenting your "best selves" to one another.

 

This is the "romantic love" stage and believe me, it is EASY in this stage to believe they are perfect, the one, nothing will ever break you two apart and you can get through anything together.

 

Those trust issues that seem "surmountable" now are going to be huge when she suddenly starts acting differently, or when you have to go away on business trips without her. After all, you both now know what you told your others, how you lied to them, and so on. What you are both doing in trying to be "fair" to your partners is HORRIBLE.

 

If you really wanted to be fair to your partners and not "hurt them" as well as give yourselves a true shot, you would of broken up with your partners before you EVER started this fling.

 

I do think you need to break it off with your partners, at this point regardless of what you two decide because they deserve much better than this, and someone whom understands the concept of commitment and love as action, rather than feeling, a bit better. Because what you are both doing is definitely not loving.

[chocojay]

I think you are both a bit dillusional here about the REALITY of your relationship. After 5-6 years of being with someone you understand them enough to know how to deal with them. Yes, there's no easy way to break somebody's heart, in your case its gonna break one way or the other, you two are just prolonging this and causing more pain to your unsuspicious partners. They both dont deserve what you are both doing to them. If you REALLY care about someone SURELY the best way of "protecting" their feelings is NOT to continiously lie and cheat to them.

 

You claim that you both find it hard to end your current relationships? If you two were SO inlove it wouldnt be that hard. You would BOTH KNOW that at the end of the day you wanna be together.. You are both being selfish and acting out of lust.

[treefrogkate]

What you are both doing in trying to be "fair" to your partners is HORRIBLE.

 

If you really wanted to be fair to your partners and not "hurt them" as well as give yourselves a true shot, you would of broken up with your partners before you EVER started this fling.

 

I do think you need to break it off with your partners, at this point regardless of what you two decide because they deserve much better than this, and someone whom understands the concept of commitment and love as action, rather than feeling, a bit better. Because what you are both doing is definitely not loving.

 

Ed, read this. Then read it one more time. RayKay speaks wisdom right here.

 

I can understand not wanting to hurt your partners, but you are already hurting them by cheating on them. You might think they are blissfully unaware of your "extracurriculars", but if you read the other posts on this board, you'll see that people usually have an idea of what is going on when their partner is cheating.

 

If you love each other so much, what's the holdup? Or are you afraid of being "stuck" with no one if you break up with your current partner, and your mistress does not? I think that's a pretty awful reason to stay in your current relationship.

 

You checked out of your current relationship emotionally 4 months ago. Is there really anything left to save? Then why hold on?

[Ed1]

Thanks for all of the advice so far. Well things have progressed since yesterday....had a very long discussion with my partner, and she is now aware of the affair. Not the details as such, but knows that I have been having a relationship with someone else....needless to say this is a very difficult time...

 

As for the other woman, I really don't understand what is going on there and would really appreciate some advice. I told her that I had spoken to my g/f and she started panicking and said this was now forcing her into a decision, and she feels under loads of pressure, and doesn't know what to do.....she reiterates that she needs me, she is in love with me, but needs to get her head sorted and think about what to say to her b/f. I sent her an e-mail saying that I was pulling out of the race, that my feelings for her had not changed, that I loved her etc, but that this would give her the opportunity to give her relationship a go with her b/f if that is what she wanted.

 

She replied saying that she felt her heart had been ripped out, and that she was sorry for making me feel this way, and that she really loved me.....

 

What do I do....I really want to be with this woman... I know she loves me, but she just seems scared to make the jump.... she says when she is with me she knows she wants to be with me, and then when she goes home, she feels guilty, her boyfriend needs her, she owes it to him etc.

 

I don't want to pressure her, but equally I can't live a life in limbo having my heart strings pulled in every direction. Was I wrong to give say I was dropping out the race.... what if anything can I do, to persuade her to take the risk and jump....

 

Ed.

[SummerGirl38]

Just my two cents but you are not going to get out of this without SOMEBODY getting hurt. There is ABSOLUTELY no way around it.

 

I was in your situation almost a year ago. I came out with the truth after one week (couldn't stand the guilt). Since I fessed up, It has been the best 11 months of my life. I am now with the love of my life.

 

Sure it hurt like hell to see my Ex in pain, but I had to remind myself that if he would have changed his evil ways, things might not have turned out the way they did.

 

Sounds selfish I know, but I refuse to die unhappy. Life is way too short!!!

[treefrogkate]

Good for you in talking to your girlfriend. Coming clean was the right thing to do, in my opinion.

 

However, you are seeing the other woman's true colors now. I'm willing to bet that she didn't think you would make a move to break up with your girlfriend, and now her "safe"... excursion... with you is becoming more real to her, and she is scared. I don't think there is anything you can say or do to "make" her dump her boyfriend. Either she really loves you and wants to be with you and will dump him, or she was simply going along with the high emotions of the affair, does not really want to be with you, and will stay with her boyfriend.

 

Unfortunately, none of us can tell you which way this is going to go, although from her reaction, you might have to deal with some heartbreak here.

 

One thing you didn't mention... Did you break up with your girlfriend? I sincerely hope you're not keeping her around "just in case" the other girl doesn't dump her boyfriend. Unless you're willing to give up the other woman completely and work on your relationship with your girlfriend, it would be incredibly unfair to your girlfriend to string her along as an "insurance policy" in case things go south with the other woman.

[Ed1]

Update…

 

After admitting our affair to our partners, both are prepared to give it another go….

 

I really need some advice, and please do not flame me, I am an emotional wreck at the minute and am seeking some real guidance here to try and understand my feelings and the other womans….

 

I do not think that I can give my current relationship another try…simply because of the emotions that I have for this other woman.

 

The other woman has come totally clean with her b/f, told him everything (more detail than I expected her to). Her b/f is naturally very upset, but even after she has told him that she is In Love with me, and doesn’t think she will be able to forget me / get over me, he wants to give it another go….. as per my previous threads, she feels like she won’t be able to forgive herself/look in the mirror if she throws everything away without trying one last time…

 

What should I do…..I don’t want to loose her, and feel like she has caved into the emotional blackmail etc from her b/f. I don’t know how this guy can want to be together when she has told him all the details (love, sex, weekends away etc). None of her friends think she will be able to forget about me, and get over me, but I just don’t know what to think.

 

I am so upset about the outcome, but don’t want to stand in the relationships way, IF there is a real chance of it working. I don’t however want to sit back and loose a woman that I Love and feel so connected with, without a fight (if that is what I should be doing).

 

What a total mess…..

 

Ed.

[metrogirl]

Are you positive that she told her boyfriend about the two of you?

[treefrogkate]

Ed,

 

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. Even if I don't agree with your having the affair in the first place, it has got to be a really tough situation for you to be in now, and my heart goes out to you.

 

I do not think that I can give my current relationship another try…simply because of the emotions that I have for this other woman.

 

Reread your words there. Pay attention to your feelings, they are there for a reason.

 

Perhaps it's time to be on your own, away from the situation. Your girlfriend has the right to be with someone that will put her first before any other woman, and you are not the man to do that.

 

It's difficult to do, but as scarew said in another post on this forum (and I hope scarew doesn't mind me reposting it here),

 

its alot easier to get out of one canoe and jump straight into the other one than getting your feet wet for a little while in between canoes.

 

It's a really apt analogy.

 

You need to get out of your current relationship - you've checked out of it emotionally already, so there's no point in staying. If it was really meant to be with the other woman, then she will come around and be with you. If it wasn't, then you are free to find someone else who you are able to love with all your heart, not just some of it.

 

Good luck, be strong, and do what's right... not only for your girlfriend, but for you.

[Ed1]

I am totally gutted and an emotional wreck. It was the other woman when I said to her on Friday that I wanted to cool it off so that she could pusue it with her b/f that said her her had been ripped in two, and she needed me etc...

 

Do you think that there is any chance for a future with this woman, and is this just her way of rationalising her feelings for me, and her last relationship, by giving it once last chance. She says that she doesn't want to have any regrets and that it may not work, she is not sure that she will be able to stop wanting/needing me but won't be able to look in the mirror if she bails out now...

 

What are peoples thoughts on the long term viability of the woman and her b/f given that she has told him everything about the affair, and that she loves me,and her feelings for me are a lot more than they are for him...?

 

Is he likely to have just begged for a last chance initially and then have time to think and be angry, resentful, untrustworthy etc? I can't imagine wanting to stay with anyone after an affair, but if she has told him that she loves me, and may always love me, what must this guy be thinking?

 

Thanks, Ed

[karvala]

Simple: the guy is feeling desperate after the shock of what he's been told, and the possibility that he'll lose his gf, and he's reacting the way many people in his situation initially react, by saying "I'll want you whatever the circumstances". It's not at all a sustainable position, and in a relatively short space of time (weeks rather than months I imagine, if even that long), it's very likely that he'll change his mind, and start laying down conditions, possibly including that his gf cuts contact with you. That is when she'll really have to make a decision, but even after that, I wouldn't rate their chances of surviving.

 

The best thing you can do is end your relationship with your current gf, which you already know you must end, and stick around and fight for this other woman, so that she's sees that you're around and you're serious about her, so she won't have to worry about being abandoned, and will feel that you're still a serious option. She'll stick with her bf for the time being, but when things hit difficulties, as they are very likely to do sooner rather than later, she may well finally have the courage to switch to you, and finally you can try to have a relationship with her.

[treefrogkate]

I agree with you, karvala... to a point. I think the OP needs to seriously consider the possibility that 1) the girl has not told her boyfriend about the cheating, but is telling him this so he will continue to be in her life and 2) that she will work things out with the boyfriend and that he will lose her from his life. Either of these are just as real as the possibility that she will not work things out and will run to him eventually.

 

Ed, you need to consider this: She lied to her boyfriend of 5-6 years for over 4 months. What would it take for her to lie to you?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

What I am finding difficult in these posts is the fact that not once have you really talked about the emotional upheaval your girlfriend is feeling right now. It is all about you, and your emotions. The other woman is doing to you, what you are doing to your girlfriend. If the other woman was playing straight with you, she would have told her boyfriend it is over. I also wonder if she actually told him or if she is just stringing you along. I think it is time for you to cut both women loose and do some serious thinking. Don't only think about your emotions, think about what you did to your girlfriend and the impact it has on her. Empathy, Empathy, Empathy.

[anggrace]

If you are not a bad person as you say you aren't, then why are you continuing to lie and decieve you gf? Before you worry about the other girl and yourself, worry about the girl who is being neglected. Let her go. What are you waiting for?

[Ed1]

Thanks to everyone for your time to consider my dilemma and offer your advice. I am still really confused with the situation, and don’t understand how things have quite ended up this way…I can’t get my head around how someone can feel the way they do about another person, but still want to give there relationship with their b/f one last go. What will this prove?

How can her b/f want to stay in a relationship where she has told him in detail of the affair and that she loves me, and her feelings for me are much stronger than him?

 

I spoke to the woman last night and she explained that she really, really does care about me and is totally in love with me.

Has told her b/f that she is totally in love with me, does not know if this will ever change, but is prepared to give it one last try…as he wanted to, and said he had neglected her for the past year…..

She doesn’t know whether giving a final go with her b/f is the right thing to do, but this is what she needs to do now – to satisfy her conscience that she has tried and not just thrown 5 years away.

She is really sorry about everything, and will never forget me, and worries that I will be unavailable for her in the future…

 

I get the impression that she will feel as though she has been defeatist by giving up with her b/f now, without giving him one last chance. I just don’t get how anything is going to change long term, as the problems in the relationship are fundamental. He may make an effort in the short term, but it is unsustainable, and then there is the trust issue…

 

Any ladies that can shed light on how this woman is thinking, as I can’t…….

 

Many thanks,

 

Ed.

[RayKay]

Well maybe she personally realizes that you cannot compare 4 months of a affair without the daily burdens of sharing finances, life struggles, stresses, family to a five year relationship that has had to go through all that. You are mistaken if you DON'T think that if you did get together that in five years it would not be as exciting as it is now.

 

I also think there is a big difference between having strong LUST feelings 4 months in, and having strong feelings of actual loving another 5 years in.

 

As for how he can be willing to work through it? Well, I know many whom have worked through affairs and chosen to use it as a way to heal and rectify where they have gone wrong. Some become stronger, some end up breaking apart....but it seems they are willing to give it a try.

 

All you know of their relationship is what she has told you - you do not know him, or what really happens. It is silly to think that he cannot make changes that will be long lasting, just as it is foolish to think that if you and her did get together there would not be fundamental problems (such as the same trust issues!).

 

Or maybe she did not tell him as much as you think.

 

Anyway, who knows what will happen...but I think YOU need to back off from her and give them a chance as it seems she has made the choice to give it a try and you need to respect that.

 

What is happening with your own relationship?

[Ed1]

Hi Everyone....

Well it has been a very emotionally traumatic week, and I feel like I have been to hell and back. My relationship with my g/f is over, my lover has decieded to go back to her b/f and give it one last go. I am totally messed up, and never thought things would turn out this way.... I would really appreciate you advice / thoughts on the following:

 

I DO Love this other woman, and she DOES Love me. She has told a lot of people of her feelings for me (including her Mum), and I have heard from a number of people (including her work colleagues) that she is totally in love with me. Her decision to stay with her b/f is based on one of needing to do this now, so that she can look at herself in the mirror, and now that she didn't give up on a 5 year relationship without a fight. She has told her b/f everything about our affair, she has told him that she is IN love with me, and that this may never change, and that right now her feelings for me are deeper than they are for him. Naturally he is really upset - and I do feel really bad for hurting him.

 

She has decieded to break all contact for the meantime while she gives her relationship a try, but has told me that she worries about loosing me, and can't bear the thought of me with another woman...

 

I know RayKay and others have flamed me in the past for this mess that I have got myself into, but I am a nice guy. I am just a guy that met a woman at the wrong time, and fell in love with her. I followed my heart...but did this at the expense of other peoples feelings...and I feel so bad for doing that. Please could you offer some advice on what I should do.

 

Do you think her relationship with her b/f stands much of a chance?

Do you think the fact that she has told everyone about us, that she is in love with me (inc her b/f) that this is just something she needs to do?

Should I honour the total break in contact with her - or will this just make her feel that I have given up on her?

Would it be worth writing her a letter, telling her how I feel about her, and that I want to be with her? Or should I write someting else?

Any other advice - please be kind......

 

I want this woman to know that I love her, that I am here for her, and that I respect her decision, but equally don't want her to feel like I am giving up - or should I?

 

I don't know if I should be using the approach of being completely cold in the hope that she realises that she may loose me....

 

Please help!

 

Ed