Do they not contact out of fear?

[houdini]

I had another thought, I know I know I need to stop thinking so much about this but I just can't seem to help it. My ex has been on my mind, I've analysed everything that I could about her. I know my ex is one of the most stubborn and prideful people I know and I know even if she wanted to contact me she wouldn't.

 

My questions is, does the dumper just not ever contact after a period of no contact has gone by? because of fear, maybe because they feel bad or to scared to open up the lines of communication again due to the dumpee rejection in return?

 

I wonder about this because I've read on other threads that it could be possible that the dumper may be to scared to contact the dumpee after a considerable amount of time has passed. Maybe it's not wanting to ruffle anymore feathers and let things be and accepted their mistakes. I just wonder because maybe my ex would like to contact but thinks back to how she acted towards me, the things she told me, she knows how much she hurt me and maybe, just maybe she feels to ashamed to contact me after how she treated me.

 

I don't know everyone but I'm just hoping she's being the stubborn woman I know but yet wants to talk to me. I just don't know how to find out if she does or not. I'm to afraid to call her or contact her in anyway because I feel scared of the rejection also, maybe we both feel the same way?!

 

Any thoughts?

 

Houdini

[friscodj]

Any thoughts?

 

Hey houdini-

 

As you know, I've followed your story from post #1 and exchanged several PMs with you on this. I won't speak to the general questions you present but I will speak to your specific situation here.

 

My friend, you are still in denial about this. You are still clinging to these hopes and excuses that she is not gone when very clearly she is.

 

You continue to mention her stubbornness and pride. That works both ways. When she broke up with you, don't you think her stubbornness would have told her to stay in it and not give up? And her pride telling her that she would be a failure if she let another relationship "fail", in her eyes?

 

She knew the risks and fears, what she would be losing and the impending feelings when she broke up with you. Yet in light of that, she took action. In light of what you in your hopeful heart believe to be similar risk and fear here, she is not taking action. Actions speak louder than words and she is saying nothing to you right now.

 

She is gone and for the better. She was not for you I know that. The longer you choose to hold onto these hopes and excuses for her lack of action, the longer you will stay stuck in this phase of grief and make your self unavailable to a much better relationship with a woman who will treat you right.

 

That's OK though, I know how the emotional roller coaster goes. You get used to the cycle more than anything and such a ride affects you on deep levels. Keep going with this, with processing the grief as you see fit. You'll be fine.

[houdini]

Frisco,

 

Thanks, I new you would reply to my thread and put me in my place. My thoughts just bounce off the walls and my brain is about fried with all the why's, what if's and hope. I know that I need to get past this phase and it's hard but I have to do it. Isn't it possible though to love someone but be to stubborn, scared, ashamed or prideful to not act on it?

 

I always try and put myself in the other persons shoes and I would feel bad for hurting my ex if I was the dumper. If I put her through what my ex put me through I would feel that I had no right to make contact with her even if I realized I made a mistake and that I loved her. I would think of how she would react, maybe she got over the pain and hurt I put her through, maybe she's dating someone else and is happy now, maybe she's mad and would curse me out if I called. I think about all this and maybe that's what most dumpers think once they realize they made a mistake, maybe the dumper does feel to scared to make contact? is that possible?

 

houdini

[Dubb]

I think if they truly feel you are the one nothing will stop them. I have seen it with my own eyes.

[houdini]

Hi dubb, Do you really believe that? Put yourself in your ex girlfriends shoes and if you hurt her like she hurt you would you feel comfortable contact her after 2 months of NC? wouldn't be scared that she would be angry now instead of hurt or maybe she has a boyfriend now and now you lost the chance?

[l9grl]

houdini,

 

if you want to contact her, go ahead and contact her

 

you'll drive yourself nuts with all that what ifs, ands, and buts

 

sometimes in life you have to take risks!

 

what's the worst thing that could happen if you called her and invited her to coffee?

[houdini]

Hi l9grl,

 

The worst that could happen? well the when I think about it, the biggest fear I have is being rejected all over again. So maybe I don't know what I want, maybe I'm just chasing my tail and going round in circles.

 

This is why I feel maybe dumpers go through the same thing. That they might be scared to contact the dumpee after a good amount of time has passed. Maybe the dumper feels scared too. I know my fears of contacting her. My fears are:

 

1. Rejection

2. Her acting cold towards me

3. Her tell me she has moved on and in love

4. Finding out her guy is there next to her

5. Getting cursed at

6. Telling me to move on and stop calling her

and many many more fears

 

So maybe she feels the same way, I mean when does it ever end? who eventually breaks the silence?

[l9grl]

don't you want to know the truth?

 

why are you giving your fears so much power?

 

my desire to know the truth would outweight my fears...but that's me

[supercalifragilistic]

Well, I was the dumpee but I can tell you I'm VERY stubborn, shy and afraid of rejection and yet, I was more than ready to beg, plead, make an idiot out of myself when my ex left me. I actually had the guts to go to his house the day after the second break up and ask him if we could pretend that didn't happen. If I had broken up with him and realized it was a mistake I can tell you that fear of rejection, embarrassement, shyness, stubbornes, pride, none of that would get in the way, I would at least try. But maybe some people are more persistent than other.

 

I'm feeling the same way as you are towards my ex. Except now I refuse to call him. He left me twice and now it's his turn to chase me if that's what he wants. But I do keep thinking that maybe he's afraid he'll hurt me again or is afraid I'll reject him or that maybe I moved on, or anything really. Specially because I know that's SO his type. But I guess if the person really loves you, they should be able to let go of all that and contact you and try to work things out. I don't know, I sure hope so.

[Dubb]

Hi dubb, Do you really believe that? Put yourself in your ex girlfriends shoes and if you hurt her like she hurt you would you feel comfortable contact her after 2 months of NC? wouldn't be scared that she would be angry now instead of hurt or maybe she has a boyfriend now and now you lost the chance?

 

I was in touch with my ex. It turned into a huge game. The last time my ex contacted me she pretty much said she was tired and going to bed and would talk to me later. I had no idea how to take that so I waited to see if she would contact me again. She didn't so after 3 weeks I said Hi to her. She never responded lol. She might have someone else now. I have no idea. I made sure I put my feelings on the table one last time tho. I never really did anything to force a break up. Was bad timing I think. Maybe I lost my chance but if she found someone in 3 weeks than he was already an option before that. Still her loss in the end.

[1forthegipper]

Houdni,

 

Hang in there my friend... I know what you're feeling and it's all to common for most dumpees. WE ALL wonder what the ex is doing, thinking, if they miss us etc.One thing you need to understand is that SHE made this decision...in our pm's you said she told you she lost feelings and wanted to be alone. Ok, she knows this houdini, she knows what she said to you and I'm sure she hasnt' forget that she basically told you to move on and forget about her.... That in itself has put the burden on HER to make the contact because all you'v done is respect her wishes to be left alone.

 

Don't waste your time on a woman that is to stubborn or prideful to reach out for love....If she is letting her own pride and stubborness stop her from showing you love then YOU don't need that my friend. There are tooooo many women out there that would walk through fire to have a man like you, that cares about relationships and about love.

 

You have to maintain that attitude houdini, understand that until you let go completely is when things will start to change...... Be tough, be strong and let her make the next move....you've done ALL you can to help this breakup and she's done ZERO!!!!! Let her be and you will see!!!!!

 

 

Tha Gipp

[lady00]

I honestly don't believe that pride and fear or rejection are enough to prevent a dumper who wants the dumpee back from coming back. If they want you, they will let you know. I truly believe that. I have had a guy come back after I started dating someone else and he was very persistent after having in the past insisted that our relationship could not work. If someone wants you, esp in the case of a dumper, I don't think they will let anything stand in their way, at least of making the first move and contacting you.

[DizzyDoris]

I dumped my last boyfriend a couple of months ago and we said we would stay friends and keep in touch, but he said he would wait for me to initiate contact.

 

I still think of him, and i want to get in touch, but i dont want to open a can of worms and haven't contacted him as of yet. I cant explain but the longer it goes on, the harder i find it to pick up the phone or drop him a line.

 

Its his birthday tomorrow so im going to wish him a happy birthday later on tonight (just in case he doesnt want to hear from me...then hopefully i dont spoil his day tomorrow by getting in touch then)

[macgyver4ever]

I used to think this way, that my ex's pride would get in the way. That after a few weeks/months of being without me and being with this new "Cool dude" that she would realize what she's lost, but let her pride and fear get in the way. Why would she want to cause me more harm?

 

Think of it this way: If she left us for greener pastures, and found out it wasn't what it seemed, we are going to start to look pretty good again. All of our good qualities will start to come to the front of her mind, and that is all she will focus on. She may begin to feel desperate, and that you have moved on since you haven't contacted her. She will feel as if SHE has lost something, much like we did when we were dumped. As we all know, pride goes out the window when you feel loss and desperation.

 

Dizzy Doris is right in saying that the more time that goes by the harder it is to initiate contact, but that also lets you know that if you do get a "Hey, just wanted to see how you are doing." message, then there is probably more behind it that you think. They aren't going to open that can of worms just to say hi to someone they have hurt badly.

 

 

I got to the point where I over analyzed the situation so much, that I gave up. It's been the best thing for me. I just don't care anymore. I'm moving on, and looking forward to the nice ladies I will meet in the future. Being in Chicago there are a lot of single girls, and at least a few of them have the right stuff to hang with a great guy like me.

 

Take it easy, and get out and enjoy the single life. It can be fun my friend!!!

[lady00]

I dumped my last boyfriend a couple of months ago and we said we would stay friends and keep in touch, but he said he would wait for me to initiate contact.

 

I still think of him, and i want to get in touch, but i dont want to open a can of worms and haven't contacted him as of yet. I cant explain but the longer it goes on, the harder i find it to pick up the phone or drop him a line.

 

Its his birthday tomorrow so im going to wish him a happy birthday later on tonight (just in case he doesnt want to hear from me...then hopefully i dont spoil his day tomorrow by getting in touch then)

 

This situation seems similar to what the OP's ex may be thinking. But if that is the case, then it is not what the OP is hoping for.

 

Houdini, I think this is very insightful. Perhaps your ex would like to talk to you but doesn't want to get your hopes up or cause you any unnecessary pain. I think if she really wanted to get back together, that would be another story and she would let you know. She wouldn't necessarily come out and say it (she would probably fear rejection) but she would probably get into contact and maybe test the waters and/or hint at reconcilliation.

[Wandering_Sword]

Hey bru how are you doing? I haven't seen you post in awhile

To your question, I think it is a possibility that they (ex) may not want to call again due to stubbornness or for fear of rejection. But does it really matter in the long term?

They took the chance to lose you to life and to someone else when they left, but they can't take the chance to talk to you again? No matter how prideful or stubborn, if love is there they will cross oceans, deserts and climb mountains for the chance to tell you they love you or want to talk to you again. And this is regardless of the outcome. By nature, we all take chances and the ex is no exception, if she wants to talk to you she will contact you, even if there is a chance of rejection.

I've followed your posts from the first time you've posted here and I can see you're slowly taking those baby steps to healing. All you have to do now is to stop the analyzing part in regards to the ex and just accept that you had a beautiful thing together that didn't work and that she has not (yet?) contacted you. Embrace the thought that she IS thinking about you and you are of her, but that is it. Remember, hope of being with your ex is fine, but its the expectations that kill you. And when you're no longer thinking about her and her actions (or lack thereof) she will call.

[houdini]

Hey WS,...it's been awhile.

 

Thanks for the great words. You have all given me a better insight on what I need to do and that's to not worry about it. I have one question though, is it wrong for me to put the responsibility on her to make the contact and for me to stay in NC until she does? She is really good at turning the tables and always making things my fault. I can already hear her saying "If you loved me enough you would have tried harder, or called because this was your fault" I know I know, it sounds unfair but thats the way she's been our whole relationship, she never has taken responsibility for her own mistakes and always put it on me.

 

Thanks again everyone!

 

Houdini

[macgyver4ever]

Hey WS,...it's been awhile.

 

Thanks for the great words. You have all given me a better insight on what I need to do and that's to not worry about it. I have one question though, is it wrong for me to put the responsibility on her to make the contact and for me to stay in NC until she does? She is really good at turning the tables and always making things my fault. I can already hear her saying "If you loved me enough you would have tried harder, or called because this was your fault" I know I know, it sounds unfair but thats the way she's been our whole relationship, she never has taken responsibility for her own mistakes and always put it on me.

 

Thanks again everyone!

 

Houdini

 

Do you really want to be with someone who makes everything your fault? If she treated you like this, you needed to stand up for yourself. My ex pulled this on me a few times, and I eventually got tired of it and let her have it. It's not fair.

 

Just let it go, and keep with the NC. She will call if she wants, or if there is some day in the future when you realize there is nothing to lose, then call her. Expect the worst, and then it won't be as bad as you thought it would be. Listen to Pit-Pat.

[Wandering_Sword]

Hey WS,...it's been awhile.

 

Thanks for the great words. You have all given me a better insight on what I need to do and that's to not worry about it. I have one question though, is it wrong for me to put the responsibility on her to make the contact and for me to stay in NC until she does? She is really good at turning the tables and always making things my fault. I can already hear her saying "If you loved me enough you would have tried harder, or called because this was your fault" I know I know, it sounds unfair but thats the way she's been our whole relationship, she never has taken responsibility for her own mistakes and always put it on me.

 

Thanks again everyone!

 

Houdini

 

If she thinks YOU need to try harder then you are wasting your time and life on this person. Re-read over your posts, does it sound like you did not try harder? By the gods bru, the way you've been going through all of this does not show your dedication, then you know for sure she will NEVER appreciate you. You've been through Hell and back (twice from the sounds of it) and if she can think or say that, then you know this is not the person for you.

Don't let the way she WAS cripple you. You did nothing wrong and if she has to deal or deny her inadequacies then that is her problem. Don't let her (in every sense of the word) permeate you anymore.

BTW, are stepping out and meeting new people (not dating, meeting)?