houdini Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Hello, I hope some of you can give me an insight on how people percieve dating a person with kids. How would one percieve a single mother with 3 kids and two different fathers. The mother is successful in her job, well respected, loved by her peers but lives with her parents, has insecurities and left both of the fathers. I would like to hear both the negative and positives of this situation. And how would a single man approach a woman like this, would they be serious about her, would they run the other way, would they take a chance etc..... Thanks, Houdini Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadows Light Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 How is she dealing with her insecurities??? She sounds like she's well put together in her career but bundles her personal life. What do you mean about how to you approach her? If you like her.. you make friends with her. You date her. And you don't rush into anything..... you let nature take its course. What is the concern?? Because she has 3 kids with 2 different fathers??? ehhhh well... she could have made some very poor choices. give her the benefit of the doubt. She's a good provider... so she's not a total mess. Be her friend. Thats how you start out with this. Just be her friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ghost69 Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 i don't date moms. sorry if that sounds blunt. it's just a thing on my list i don't go for. regardless of the cirumstances. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blazer Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Hello Houdini, I agree with what Shadows Light said. I am a single parent and I am really careful about letting anyone I date meet my son. I just don't think its a good thing to allow him to get close to someone who might not be around in the future. I think she should also be aware of that too. About all I could add to what Shadows said is that if she was rushing you into being a replacement for their fathers it would be a warning sign, but if not you might get the opportunity to be a good adult role model and friend to the kids. It might possibly be a very rewarding experience for all concerned. Best Regards, Blazer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shikashika Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 I dated a guy with a kid when I was 21-23. Even though I had nothing to do with the kid, It bugged me and I knew i would not marry this guy because of that (well a million other reasons too) Its not for me. I would say especially not in that situation.. if I met a guy who had different kids from different mums, he wouldn't be the guy for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fnlyfrei Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 i don't date moms. sorry if that sounds blunt. it's just a thing on my list i don't go for. regardless of the cirumstances. That's good that you are upfront about this...and your choice. I think the OP was considering dating her or having a relationship with her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houdini Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 Hello everyone, thanks for the replies. I'm just trying to get a better perspective of what my ex is up against. I know people might think that I should wish her the best of luck but it's hard for me to do that when she left me whether it be to be alone or with someone new, I wanted us to raise our son together and her two daughters but she chose to walk out on me for problems that could have been fixed. As it sits now she lives 450miles away from me, she has my son, her 2 daughters and is living with her parents and I'm sure she's dating again if not she will eventually want to date and find a partner. I'm just hoping she will see that she had a good man in me that loved her, our son and the girls and would have done anything for them. I guess I'm hoping she will realize it's not as easy as she thinks it will be. If she is already dating or involved with someone I'm hoping the guy is just in it for the thrills but won't want the stress of 3 kids that aren't his. I know it sounds mean but I want her to realize the grass isn't greener. PS. Sorry, maybe I was a bit misleading in my intial post, the person I'm reffering to is my ex, not a girl I'm considering dating. I just wanted to get an idea of how other people would percieve a woman like her and her circumstances. houdini Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fnlyfrei Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Hmmm...If you wonder if she will ever be able to find someone decent, or if she will settle for some putz...I guess that you might have to trust her better judgement about whom she allows in her life. If you think that because she has three kids from two different men and has insecurities that it lowers her chances....I don't think it does. I am sure she wants the best for your children and herself. I am sorry it did not work between the two of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houdini Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 Fnlyfrei, I just worry that she's heading for disaster, I just can't see to many men willing to take on that type of responsibility thereforeeee the children will suffer because there will be no stability as far as a father figure goes. Her two daughters from a previous marriage have no father cause he doesnt come arround, my situation living 450miles away almost makes it impossible to be constant father figure in my sons life either. I know I can't say that no one will accept her and her kids but I just find it hard to see that a man would take on that responsibility long term. What do you all think? Houdini Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jay Cutler Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 I'd run far away, sorry to say Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fnlyfrei Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Well, I have three boys, and I have found someone I am going to marry in a few months. He is kind, generous and genuinely cares about my sons. He is a good role model and supports me as a mother...but doesn't try to replace their father (who does see them often) I believe if someone loves you they accept you and your kids as a package. I also think that other single parents will understand more than someone who has never had children...it is a big responsibility...and all the more reason to work on the relationship, make it succeed, and teach the kids that not all parents fight, and/or leave. As human beings, no one is perfect, and it is the fact that we are trying to get to a better place that matters. Not where we have been. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shikashika Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Well, I have three boys, and I have found someone I am going to marry in a few months. He is kind, generous and genuinely cares about my sons. He is a good role model and supports me as a mother...but doesn't try to replace their father (who does see them often) I believe if someone loves you they accept you and your kids as a package. I also think that other single parents will understand more than someone who has never had children...it is a big responsibility...and all the more reason to work on the relationship, make it succeed, and teach the kids that not all parents fight, and/or leave. As human beings, no one is perfect, and it is the fact that we are trying to get to a better place that matters. Not where we have been. I agree. I hope I didn't come accross as being negative toward single mums and dads... I do not think anyone should enter a relationship if they have issues with their partners children... or think that it bothers them and they struggle to deal with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ghost69 Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 a buddy of mine is with a girl he has a kid with. she has 2 kids from a previous relationship. he loves those kids. i give him props. just not my bag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1forthegipper Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 I have to say as a man...It would be tough to take on the responsibility of another man's children. I guess it depends on the situation. In houdini's case there is a mother with 3 children, 2 fathers that are pretty much out of the picture. To put this BIG of a responsibility on the new man whether he has kids or not is a HUGE responsibility to ask for someone to take on. I can see how it could cause a lot of problems in the future and may even cause houdini's ex's new man to feel he was unjustly required to take on the father roll that the 2 not 1....that the 2 natural fathers weren't able to do...and that decision was made by houdini's ex to cast aside 2 fathers. To me that would be a HUGE sign that this woman has some issues and I'd be really weary of taking a chance with this woman. My two cents Tha Gipp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fnlyfrei Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 I was a woman with a man who had two daughters, the first not even his by blood. I loved them like my own kids...no problem there. It was HIM who was so jaded and damaged and trained to use people that I couldn't handle HIM anymore. It usually isn't the responsibility of the kids....(I would have gladly kept THEM) It was the guy. Sure...having kids does narrow the feild for a woman...but part of that is that some of the losers are weeded out too.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1forthegipper Posted April 14, 2007 Share Posted April 14, 2007 fnlyfrei, I agree that it does narrow the choices for the woman when kids are involved. The issue of other children involved from previous relationships can be strain on the relationship. Not only do you have to worry about keeping your partner and working through issues that you and him have between the two of you...you also have to deal with issues pertaining to the children...children that HAVE a real mother and father. I do believe however that it is a lot easier for a woman to be accepting of a man's children even if the woman has no children of their own...I believe it's that motherly instinct that most women have that enables them to be more accpeting of the responsibility. On the other hand there are many men who will have hard time with the responsibility of taking care of children that do not belong to them. It is easier when the real father or fathers are involved in the children's lives. It relieves some of the responsibilities. In Houdini's case where there are no fathers in his ex's children's lives that is asking a lot of the new man involved. I can see how the new guy will be on his best behavior at first cause he's attracted to houdini's ex but after some time I don't know if most men would be able to endure the stress and responsibilties involved.... I can see the new guy ditching houdini's ex for a relationship less stressful.... Again...my two cents!!!! Tha Gipp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fnlyfrei Posted April 14, 2007 Share Posted April 14, 2007 Um, I really think you are generalizing when you say it is hard for a MAN to accept another MAN's children, and it is easier for a woman. Firstly, you make it sound like a lion's pride when the males kill any offspring that are not their own to bring the females into heat and perpetuate their own bloodlines.... we are human beings...and I really believe that it depends on the person. Be the person male or female. I also think that people create their own drama to a good degree. While dating, I have met a number of men who would have been awesome role models, and treated my sons well..and accepted them. Anything can be a strain on a relationship. I guess if someone KNOWS they can't handle anyone else's children but their own...they should stay completely away from dating a female with cubs....that is also the reason I found for the most part...maybe one exception...I preferred to date single fathers as well. I think if a woman is intelligent enough...emotionally and logically..she can tell the difference between someone who is just going to hang around for a bit...and someone who actually cares. There's my two cents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1forthegipper Posted April 14, 2007 Share Posted April 14, 2007 I agree, my intentions weren't to generalize ALL men... in my post I said "there are many men" that would find it hard to deal with the responsibilities of taking on the challenging role of a stepfather. That's reality and most (again, keyword "most" not ALL) men would attest to this fact that it's not easy and some men fail and some men also succeed in this role as a stepfather. The men you've met in your life, the man you have now must be some of the "few good men". I also agree with you that it depends on the individual if they are emotionally and mentally stable to endure the difficult task of a stepmother or stepfather. Last but no least..no matter how a person puts it, it is difficult relationship wise when children from previous relationships are involved. I'm not saying EVERY relationship will be terrible I'm sayin that it adds additional issues that may or may not cause added problems to the relationship. And....when you're dating someone most people will be on their best behavior in the beginning so you really don't know upfront if they truly do care or if they're just putting on a show... Again, this is an added factor a single parent has to deal with..they not only have to look out for themselves they have to look out for thier own childrens' well being also.... PS. Just my two cents coming from a single father myself Tha Gipp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fnlyfrei Posted April 14, 2007 Share Posted April 14, 2007 And....when you're dating someone most people will be on their best behavior in the beginning so you really don't know upfront if they truly do care or if they're just putting on a show... Again, this is an added factor a single parent has to deal with..they not only have to look out for themselves they have to look out for thier own childrens' well being also....Tha Gipp Well, I think "the show" someone puts on is VERY transparent to kids. (Especially teen-age boys who would show him no mercy if he were a creep...they would tell me point-blank what they thought. (they are 14,16 and 20) And if I, as a parent, found out that to be the truth...let's just say jet-propulsion wouldn't get him away from me fast enough. But for me...not talking for every single parent...I wouldn't have even let them meet him if I thought he was any sort of threat. But you are right, there is a chance, some people are diabolical. But...never underestimate the power of a parent protecting his/her child....I do not think anyone would want to mess with my kids...because I would be there with my camoflage, and ready for action...(yeah, picture Rambo..but with a shirt on!) (or the terminator mom) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1forthegipper Posted April 14, 2007 Share Posted April 14, 2007 Fnlyfrei, I couldn't agree with you more!!!!! GREAT point you got there in regards to protecting our children. I feel exactly the same way as you and would fight to the death to protect my children and keep them out of harms way. No woman is more important than my kids. Now, here is one thing I've noticed about some women and this comes from people that I've met along the way in my 35yrs of life.... I've met some women who basically put their kids second in order to keep a man..they feel freightened by the fact that they could possibly lose the only guy they think will love her and her kids... It's a sad site indeed but it happens all to often. I was talking to a few of my female friends this evening, some who have kids some who don't. I brought up this subject and they agreed it is more difficult for the woman to find someone to love her and her kids. They find it hard because the woman does have the majority of the custody and society has taught them that men won't want to put up with the children that are from a previous relationship... What it all comes down to is, you have to exhaust all efforts to make it with the FATHER or MOTHER of the children before giving up completely. Unless their abuse or cheating the parents need to do whatever it takes to make it work for the children and not be selfish and give up on problems, boredome, lack of spark etc.... relationships take work and it's easy work compared to being a single parent trying to find someone to love you and accept and love your children.... Here is some stats on divorces..I thouht it was rather intersting.. According to CDC's National Center for Health Statistics, approximately: 3,000 couples in the U.S. get divorced each day - well over 1 million per year. 20-25% of these people are divorcing for the second or third time. 50% of all divorcing couples have children under the age of 18. 12 million U.S. families were headed by a single parent during 2000. 1 out of 3 U.S. children do not live with both parents. 17% of all children in the U.S. will suffer a divorce this year. Second marriages will end 23% sooner than first marriages. Third marriages will end 43% sooner than first marriages. And it's scientifically supported that children of divorced parents suffer a higher than average divorce rate as adults - divorce is a legacy that's passed down from one generation to the next. These public divorce statistics are alarming, but most people don't have access to follow-up statistics concerning a divorce after the affair of one partner: 80% of couples who divorce as the result of an affair later regret their decision to divorce.* The statistics for affair-born relationships are even more extreme: Fewer than 10% of all extramarital affair relationships will actually result in a marriage between the two affair partners.* If an affair-born relationship does result in a marriage, 3 out of 4 of those couples can expect their new marriage to also end in divorce.* What does this mean? It means that for every 100 extramarital relationships - less than 10 of the unfaithful spouses will actually marry his or her affair partner. If the affair partners do marry, 75% of those marriages will also end in divorce - which means that at best, less than 3 out of every 100 affair born relationships will result in a marriage that does not end in divorce! (And this doesn't take into account marital separation, only legal divorce, which brings the success rate down from the already generous but alarmingly low 2.5%!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raincheck Posted April 15, 2007 Share Posted April 15, 2007 I'd run far away, sorry to say I think it would be great if you were the actual Jay Cutler....lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ghost69 Posted April 16, 2007 Share Posted April 16, 2007 jay is really short though. i've met him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheSmilingTurnip Posted April 20, 2007 Share Posted April 20, 2007 To put this BIG of a responsibility on the new man whether he has kids or not is a HUGE responsibility to ask for someone to take on. Men are not victimized into taking on responsbilities of that nature or magnitude. They make their own choices and, as adults, they should be sure they're making informed choices. My daughter is behaviorally-disordered and I've never 'asked' anyone I've dated to take that responsibility on. I don't think I want someone who isn't volunteering to take it on. Being a single mom does make it harder to date, but I do believe there is someone out there for everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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