Kinda long...right thing to do?

[kellbell]

Telling you is one thing, doing is another. True, your (ex) boyfriend may have wanted the same things as you but when a person constantly disrespects, makes you feel crummy, he/she apparently has no interest in sharing those goals with YOU. It is like your boyfriend says, "I want to get married..." Does not necessarily means he wants to get married to YOU. See the difference?

[ImThatGirl]

But what about those who tell you they are on the same path and want the same goal....wait I think I can answer that one. They realize after the come down to earth that the other person isn't the right person or that is not what they are really looking for....

 

First off, I must say: Hats off to Batya and KellBell. I know their words and advice are very hard to hear. And you want to believe that you really took the time to get to know this man and he really is the one. But their words speak wonders and we need to learn to follow them.

 

Those that say those things early on - -

Haven't had enough time to say those things or determine those things and:

1) Say them anyway because they are caught up in the new relationship feeling and believe them.

2) Say them anyway because they don't give thought to how serious and true their words should be.

 

In either case, to them, they probably don't feel like they shouldn't have said those things and will make you feel like it's all because you do this wrong or did that wrong. That it's all on you.

 

DarkPumpkin - - I am right there with you right now. The steps that are helping me - - I have let go of beliefs in my ex. I believed in him too much. There were so many signs for so long that we are not compatable. Realizing that it's not him I miss. I miss how great he once was. I miss the companionship. But I don't miss his personality. He didn't necessarily change but his true colors, personality, ability to deal with pressure, ability to follow through, etc. etc. etc. have all came out. Because we've had enough time to get to really know each other.

 

You know - he told me so many things early on. So many things! I believed it all. But his actions for the past several months have shown that he's not on the same page as I am. Same for your ex. Please be strong!

[darkpumpkin]

I have moved pass that horrible feeling in your chest that makes you think you could do something to fix it. I guess when we did a go at this the second time around and I was the one who was acting different I was able to see that who he is now was who he was after the 3 month honeymoon period. This is who he is. He can not find fufilment in himself and searches for other people to compelte himself or to make him feel alive. He wants a family but doesn't want to give up his independence or free time. His favorite quote "My life, My rules". When we got back together I made it clear to him. I don't want to be a part of someone's life. I want to build a new one with that person. He said he did to. But I guess for that statment to only last one week really shows that it's not who he is at this moment of time.

[ImThatGirl]

I have moved pass that horrible feeling in your chest that makes you think you could do something to fix it. I guess when we did a go at this the second time around and I was the one who was acting different I was able to see that who he is now was who he was after the 3 month honeymoon period. This is who he is. He can not find fufilment in himself and searches for other people to compelte himself or to make him feel alive. He wants a family but doesn't want to give up his independence or free time. His favorite quote "My life, My rules". When we got back together I made it clear to him. I don't want to be a part of someone's life. I want to build a new one with that person. He said he did to. But I guess for that statment to only last one week really shows that it's not who he is at this moment of time.[/QUOTE]

 

Exactly. Same as my ex. Two weeks good and then back to ignoring me, criticizing me, disrespect and inconsideration.

 

We can beat this Pumpkin. We can. We just have to want to!

[darkpumpkin]

Your right.....there just has to be someone better out there for us. Every person on this earth is worth more than that.

[ImThatGirl]

Your right.....there just has to be someone better out there for us. Every person on this earth is worth more than that.

 

Absolutely!

 

My advice to you would be to take what you learned about yourself previously (your reading and this relationship,) continue learning about yourself, what your boundaries are / your expectations, etc.

 

Another thing that makes it hard for me is the fear of dating again. Darn it - I don't want to date again. So I stay in the relationship that has made me jaded so I don't have to date again. Dumb.

 

I have alot of learning to do. Alot of growing to do. And alot of expectations to review. I ignored alot of things or swept them under the rug and for what? To be treated the same.

 

Another thing I've been thinking of. I know you're much younger but I'm going to be 30 in 15 months. It was my hopes to be married by 30. I'm aware that won't happen now but - If I stick around, I probably won't even be married by the time I'm 35! And I sit and wait for what? For us to miraculously begin to mesh and click, communicate and continue into a healthy relationship?

 

You only have 5 months in this; I only have 8. I know people that have years in this type of relationship and I don't want to be one of them! Do you?

[darkpumpkin]

No. I don't want to waste years on any man because of it.

 

I don't want to date. Right now I will do anything in my power not to date. I just never liked it and I know I kept trying to make things with him due to that yucky fact.

 

I do want to ask you. At the age of almost being 30 are you at a point where you want to settle down? Do you feel more confident with who you are then you did in your 20's? Do you go out and party with 20 year olds and usually date younger people? I ask because the ex is 30....and I assumed that people held themselves different......

[Batya33]

Not now but at some point you need to accept that who he is is in part who he was with you. If you have mutual friends, chances are you will hear about him dating again or perhaps getting serious with someone. just because he chose not to do what it took to have a serious relationship with you doesn't mean he is incapable, just as you can't say that you are incapable of trusting someone else, you were just not able to trust him. It's not a step you need to take now but if you are going to date again you can't believe that someone who does not get along well with you would not get along well with someone else. It is no one's fault, just a question of personal dynamics. Feeling like he is damaged goods might make you feel better but in the long run accepting that you are not going to like everyone and not everyone is going to like you is a healthier way to approach dating and relationships.

[ImThatGirl]

I agree with this as well! It's hard to think this way sometimes. Seems easier to think "they are just not a good person." But all in all, we do need to look at it as Batya said. And next time, take more time rather than putting all our eggs in one basket.

[kellbell]

"I do want to ask you. At the age of almost being 30 are you at a point where you want to settle down?"

 

Maybe, maybe not. He may want to settle down by now, but apparently is was not with YOU. I do not mean to sound harsh but as I stated before, a person while being in a relationship MAY want to do certain things, but it boils down does he/she want to with the person he/she is currently in a relationship with. There is a BIG difference.

[ImThatGirl]

No. I don't want to waste years on any man because of it.

 

I don't want to date. Right now I will do anything in my power not to date. I just never liked it and I know I kept trying to make things with him due to that yucky fact.

 

I do want to ask you. At the age of almost being 30 are you at a point where you want to settle down? Do you feel more confident with who you are then you did in your 20's? Do you go out and party with 20 year olds and usually date younger people? I ask because the ex is 30....and I assumed that people held themselves different......

 

I am a mother so - no, I wouldn't be doing those things. I used to feel a more confident. I feel much less confident now - less confident that I use good judgement. Less confident that I am strong. But I will gain that back..

 

I would hope that even if I did not have children, I wouldn't be running around with 20 year olds and I know I definitely would not date a 22 year old.

[darkpumpkin]

Kellbell: I know that it comes down to what you want to do for the person you are with. I am not trying to say "oh he doesn't want to settle down that's why he's acting this way". No I know very clearly that I am not the girl to inspire these things from him.

 

 

I had assumed that him being 30 meant that he had a better idea of what he was looking for. I am only 22 and I have a much better idea of what I'm willing to live with and what I would rather not. I hold myself up to a high standard for when I turn 30....not so much being married but all aspects of my life. Work/Savings/adventures I've had. I just assumed people grew but not all I guess.

[ImThatGirl]

It's important to remember that not all people have the same goals or mentality as yourself.

 

Since you have those expectations for yourself at 30, why did you begin dating a 30 year old that runs arounds and has mostly 20 year old friends? Just curious.

 

My ex is 31. I'm 28. I know people that are 40 that still aren't what I considered settled down. I also know younger people that have so much going for them and have made great decisions.

 

Assumptions.... Sometimes lead us astray.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

just because he chose not to do what it took to have a serious relationship with you doesn't mean he is incapable

 

I think you need to differentiate between SERIOUS and HEALTHY. The way this guy was behaving does indeed show some really character issues...making the statement 'my life my rules' blowing hot and cold etc. If you read that article about Losers, he seems to fit that description. He will have the same KIND of relationship with anybody he meets. Sure, he might find someone and get married to them...but it will be according to 'his life and his rules". Heaven help the person who does marry him. This guy sounds a lot like my ex, same attitude and really fit that 'loser' description. Don't beat yourself up that you couldn't be "the one" for him. There is nobody who is going to be "the one" for him because he is too self-involved. Even the person he might ultimately marry will not be "the one" according to the definition that healthy people have of "the one". It will likely be a case of 'okay, time to get married, she is available and suits my lifestyle, fine lets do it' You deserve better than that.

[darkpumpkin]

I'mThatGirl: That's huge. Don't get me wrong I know that people move along life at their own pace. I don't assume oh your 30 and mature.....actually I thought it was cute how he could be immature at times. But I did expect him to have some sort of small plan for his future in some ways. Wether that included me or not. He has been a very I want it I'll buy it not matter the cost and pay if off later kind of attitude....lol wait maybe another red flag.

 

I think you may have a point CrazyaboutDogs. This second time around really made me see "his" issues. When I had controlled my emotions and looked at what was happening I saw some major character flaws that for whatever reason seem to rule his life. Thanks for your imput.

[kellbell]

" "I am not trying to say "oh he doesn't want to settle down that's why he's acting this way"."

 

I was not implying that either.

[darkpumpkin]

Oh sorry about that then. I just had to clairfy due to my past belief that I know you (kellbell) helped me with.

[kellbell]

Hey no worries. Hang in there okay?

[Batya33]

No. I don't want to waste years on any man because of it.

 

I don't want to date. Right now I will do anything in my power not to date. I just never liked it and I know I kept trying to make things with him due to that yucky fact.

 

I do want to ask you. At the age of almost being 30 are you at a point where you want to settle down? Do you feel more confident with who you are then you did in your 20's? Do you go out and party with 20 year olds and usually date younger people? I ask because the ex is 30....and I assumed that people held themselves different......

 

I know 25 year olds who are ready and 45 year olds who are not. I would have some skepticism that someone with such an active Facebook page would be ready to settle down.

[darkpumpkin]

True. Guess I should have realized that when he still had is other dating profile up on a different site two months into us going out. Man red flags such when you ignore them and then see alll of them looking back. Any ideas why we ignore them?

[ImThatGirl]

I could list several.

 

 

Rush to find the man we'll spend forever with.

 

Loneliness.

 

Fear of being alone.

 

Low self esteem.

 

No confidence.

 

Fear of failure.

 

Fear of that ultimate rejection.

 

I'll leave the rest to the others! Gotta run! Hang in their Pumpkin!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

True. Guess I should have realized that when he still had is other dating profile up on a different site two months into us going out. Man red flags such when you ignore them and then see alll of them looking back. Any ideas why we ignore them?

 

I saw many things which in retrospect were red flags. I remember feeling that something was not quite right about what he said or what he did. I recognized that his behaviour was a bit off. He seemed like such a nice guy (his facade) but rather shy so I just attributed it to inexperience and shyness...something he would get over as he got more comfortable with me. Having seen that there are so many people out there with issues, I figured "well, you are never going to find someone without faults" As you watch people get married and you stay single, you say to yourself, well, maybe I am being too picky, maybe you have to overlook things even if something inside you says something is not right...everyone has faults...when you love someone, you love them despite their faults. That was my reasoning. Well, I didn't realize at the time, that his behaviour was not simply a fault, but was a personality disorder. I only found out at the very end just how low he could sink, being unbelievably cruel, vindictive and manipulative when I called him on his behaviour. After reading Living With the Passive Aggressive Man, and looking up all kinds of stuff on Passive Aggressive character traits, it all made sense...he followed the classic script, and I was the classic partner of a PA person...salt of the earth, forgiving, understanding, trying to make things work. I wouldn't say rescuer, because I was never in the relationship to "fix" him. I just figured that once he got more comfortable things would improve (of course they never did, they just got worse). Oh well, live and learn. I learned some very valuable lessons and in a sense, I am actually grateful because through my reading, I have learned a lot about myself and about some other people I have or still do interact with. Every failed relationship comes with some very valuable lessons. That is why I think people need to take time between relationships to really think about things and do some self growth. It has helped me immensely.