odile Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I don't believe in "the fog"; I believe in free will. She has made a choice to behave the way that she has. If in some fashion such a "fog" exists, then she has chosen to give into it. Betrayal doesn't just 'happen'. You say that there are "no reasons", however I sincerely do not believe that that could possibly be the case. There is always a reason. Whatever the reason, she has chosen a very selfish route-- one of instant gratification rather than to consider you and your family. Even if she has some sort of mental illness, she has chosen to give free reign to indiscretion, rather than to address her problems responsibly. It sounds like you are still very conflicted about what you want to come next. You say that she has "burned all her bridges", and yet you are still angling for her to come back. If you would like to try to reconcile and reunite with her, then it will require both of you to figure out what the reasons are, and jointly collaborate on how best to work through them. This will almost certainly require couples therapy. If she is unwilling to do this on her own volition, then it is in your best interest to let her go. If you are somehow able to convince her to return (through guilt or bribery...or even just because she decides that the grass wasn't greener, after all), then it is likely that you will find yourself later on wishing that you hadn't, because the causes of problems like this don't just vanish on their own. It is a tragedy that there is a child in the middle of this. However, I do believe that it is far more detrimental to a child to grow up in a home of conflict, than to grow up in a single-parent household. Your son will be looking to, and learning from you. If one parent shows lack of morals, he will see this, and quite likely develop his sense of morality accordingly. If you accept her behavior, he will learn from you that her behavior is acceptable. Furthermore, if he grows up in a home full of tension and resentment, then that will undoubtably have deleterious effect of some sort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
king6 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 thanks, and no, I dont want her back. She burned her bridges to the ground, I could never trust her with anything. But I want the respect back. I dont deserve to be treated as she treats me. Ive done nothing. I actually went out of my way to make her life easier since she broke up, yet she still fights me and makes it more difficult. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
odile Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Don't look to her for respect, because you will never find it. TAKE IT FOR YOURSELF! Stand up, and rise above this. You didn't deserve this, and you should not accept it, either. In self-respect you will find what you need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmaximum Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 thanks, and no, I dont want her back. She burned her bridges to the ground, I could never trust her with anything. But I want the respect back. I dont deserve to be treated as she treats me. Ive done nothing. I actually went out of my way to make her life easier since she broke up, yet she still fights me and makes it more difficult. Maybe you may want to show her the article written about the fog, simply as a means for yourself to know that you did everything that you could for yourself and your son. The main crux of the fog is simply a means to justify the behavior (infidelity) and to alleviate the guilt of said behavior. That is what it means by the fog, it 'fogs' their perception of reality, mainly as a self preservation mode to protect them from the truth of what they have done and yes, in some cases it is a temporary insanity that only they can choose to end and to stop acting like an entitled so and so. Having to face that truth is to have the face the reality that they aren't the nicest people and have done some very horrific things to the people who deserved it least is a very painful thing for them to do. Most do not have the strength to do that which is why VERY few relationships ever survive reconciliation. No healing can be done until the WS faces up to what they have done to the marriage. However, if you show her this with the outcome that she may see that her actions are hurting her son, she may change that far since you are no longer asking her about reconciliation for the two of you. Understand, I am not making any excuses for cheating whatsoever, the fog is simply a means for people to begin to justify their selfish behavior and it is almost like a hat. They can put it on, but they can also take it off IF they so choose. Sure the fog may warp peoples minds, but it is still up to them to make a choice. When they choose their foggy new world over you and your family, they are still making yet another selfish choice and choosing themselves over your family. What can one do about that? The choice is up to them and tells you without the shadow of a doubt where you now rank in their priorities. Its the choice that matters and a good portion of people are smart enough not to be seduced by such destructive thoughts and put the hat on in the first place. Good Luck and I wish you the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmaximum Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Don't look to her for respect, because you will never find it. TAKE IT FOR YOURSELF! Stand up, and rise above this. You didn't deserve this, and you should not accept it, either. In self-respect you will find what you need. Ditto to this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
king6 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Thanks, your right. Im sorry, Im really new at this and I dont even know how to deal with it. I cant even explain my situation to full detail because it would be so long and its so embarrasing. To put it very simple. She was in love, wanted to be married, then one day (literally) decided that she didnt want any of that, shes no longer in love with me,and from then on she has been heated screaming,yelling,insulting, threatning, things about my son. She doesnt want to me have joint custody, and its really upseting her that I do. Today was another heated fight with her when I dropped off my son. I wanted to lay down the law and tell her how arrangements to see him were going to work out. I didnt even get to.. her dad was there and all they did is threaten me with lawyers and talk bad about my family. So I guess im just done. Im not even sure what to do about my son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmaximum Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 She's foggy alright. She now doesn't see anything past her nose and most likely has told her parents quite the story about you. In her mind at this time she is the victim and anything you have done in a positive light has been minimized or eliminated. I feel for you. There is nothing to be embarrased about in terms of posting your story, with more details others can help with their point of view. I'm also sure the process of posting your story is also cathartic too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
king6 Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 to long, nobody wants to hear this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
king6 Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 to long also Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abouttime Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Just keep recording their abuse. And let your lawyer know whats going on. Be careful she may try to sick the cops on you for something. Thats why you must record. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
king6 Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Thats what ive been doing. Honestly im getting tired of it though. Its been a month now, and nothing has changed. Kinda getting worse. Now they say I cant see my son till I pay child support. She called the cops on my dads fiance because she had a second phone thats hers that I was using. My dads fiance was keeping it because she owed her money. This last weekend I went out to a bar, and got a little tipsy, but in control. I just couldnt stop thinking about her, So I texted her and told her that I love her, I told her I rejected other women because I love her. I never got a response. Now today, they are calling my dads fiance, telling her that Im harrasing her. That they are recording everything and will use it against me. I cant help my feelings, she left me, Ive alwase loved her. Its hard to deal with Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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