burnt from the last relationship?

[blueberrypie]

I don't know if this is the right section to post, but I didn't want to write under "healing after breakup" about my new guy. My ex broke up with me 10 months ago. We went through NC/LC period and tried to get back together, but that ended Jan. Since we were already broken before that and I realized that it's not gonna work this time either, I moved on pretty quickly. Or so I thought.

I met this very nice guy in February. Actually, I had known him since the summer before that, but I was so fixated on my ex that I didn't notice this new guy till Feb. I didn't want to have a rebound, so I waited till I was sure my feeling for my ex is all gone. We slowly got close and now we are in a 'dating' stage. I'm usually head-over-heel in the beginning of the relationship, but now I'm not so sure about my feeling. I like him and want to spend time with him, but I'm not so sure about making it 'official'. I think I don't trust relationship any more. I don't want to hope for something and be disappointed, and, even more, get hurt. But at the same time, I want to enjoy what I have now. I don't want to avoid the relationship because I get burnt from the past relationship. How can I get over this fear of the relationship/breakup? I want to believe in a relationship, but I'm afraid that I might have lost it from the last breakup.

 

I think part of the reason I'm so nervous is that I discovered that he's never had a serious relationship. He's only dated one girl(unless you count few girls he's seen 1-2 times), and even that lasted only few weeks(and they both knew that it was going to be short-term). We are both in late 20s, and I don't want to be considered as a 'fling'(this is what my ex felt about me although he acted and talked like he wanted to marry me =( ). How can I enjoy the moment, go with the flow, but not make myself look 'light'?

 

Any comments will be appreciated. =)

[MissIndigo]

Have you ever asked him why his previous relationships have been so short-term? The person you're interested in sounds very much like the last person I dated, also late 20's, having had relationships last anywhere from a few dates to just a few months, until me, which lasted the better part of two years.

 

You may want to finesse the question, but I think it is very important. I did ask my guy that, and his answer was that he got bored with the people very quickly (he'd also met most or all of them online, which works differently from real-life; I was either the only or just one of two people he'd ever met in real life). When I heard the word "bored", that should have been a big honking red flag. He was not particularly a conservative person and had plenty of opportunities to meet others, so he wasn't being picky or saving himself; he was a bit shy, but seemed to have a large enough circle of friends to come into contact with other women. As I got to know the person better, I found he did seem to have a problem with staying the course for anything that required him to have investments emotionally.

 

Maybe give it a few more weeks, only you know how you feel, but if you feel there is any long-term potential here, you may want to ask what this guy's intentions are. Even if you enjoy his company, don't let yourself get strung along. And always, trust your gut. If something doesn't seem quite right, or you don't feel ready to jump back into a serious relationship yet, guard your own feelings first.

 

Hope my example helps. Sounds like you are nearing or are at the point of wanting this situation to go one way or the other.

[Cassie]

Hi Blueberry - Don't stress. Enjoy the new man in your life and take is at your own comfort level and pace, even if that means going more slowly with this relationship.

 

Keep a constant reminder to yourself that he is not your ex and deserves a fair chance.

[blueberrypie]

Thank you both. =) I just talked to my brother, and he thinks I'm not ready for a relationship yet. I think there's truth there, but I don't want to wait till I'm absolutely ready for a relationship. After all, how many people are absolutely ready for a relationship? I should do exactly what Cassie said: Enjoy the new man in my life and take is at my own comfort level and pace. Keep a constant reminder to myself that he is not my ex and deserves a fair chance.(I think one of the difficulty is that they share the same first name. =( )