Did you still think about the dumpee when you were a dumper?

[thelonelydoll]

Well, I am a female dumper recently back in contact with the ex, establishing a friendship but taking it slowly. In the past, as a dumper, it's true, I did a sort of mental "hand-washing" - but in this case, I wouldn't say my feelings are gone at all. It's early days, but in the 2.5 months since the split, we've both changed so much, and he's now becoming the man I always wished he could be - so it's a different animal. But to answer the original question, I've thought about him every day since the split, and I think both parties, whichever side they're on, still think about the ex if the relationship was taken seriously at all.

[Mavis VDSande]

I know that when my bf broke up with me he did think about me a lot. Intially he didn't because he was relieved that we weren't "in a bad rels place" (no more fights, mis-understandings, me being needy etc).

 

He said he use to wrap the spare duvet up and hug it when he was sleeping, and he kept one or two of my drawings and pinned them up in my old room. He also wrote to me - but made it clear that although he missed me like crazy he was very concerned that if we did get back together, all the old problems would crop up again.

 

Hope this helps!

[AnneFrank123]

Well, I am female and I have been the dumper --twice. And I can assure you I dont think about them. At least, not in a pleasant way.

 

The first bf that I broke off with -- he had said something very offensive (sexist and racist) to me and later, he said didnt regret saying it and even said that that was the truth. Thats why we broke up. Understandably, I was super-mad at him then and have never attempted to contact him since then. Recently, he turned up on one my friends' friends list on FB. So I checked out hid profile. once. And that was it. I just dont want to have anything to do with him. Ever.

 

The second guy was not even an official bf; he was a live-in partner for few weeks. he became somewhat of a good friend, but I never loved him. I dumped him when he started getting emotionally entangled and clingy. This was a couple of months. Havent spoken to him since. And i dont think I will.

[soul12]

One thing I have found to be true about females, and I dont mean this as an insult or generalization, but usually once a female's feelings are gone, they are gone. Men are usually more likely to go back for a second helping when they were the dumper. Female dumpers usually move on for good.

 

Exactly what I have been saying this entire time...girls just move on for good which freaking SUCKS!! I am changing for the better and there is now way she would ever know that. I would honestly say that the whole getting back together section of ENA is full of guys holding onto meaningless hope.

 

To all my fellow guys out there. . .MOVE ON!! SHE'S NOT COMING BACK! I think its that time to head on over to the 'healing after a breakup' section.

[wildestkabs]

One thing I have found to be true about females, and I dont mean this as an insult or generalization, but usually once a female's feelings are gone, they are gone. Men are usually more likely to go back for a second helping when they were the dumper. Female dumpers usually move on for good.

 

In my experience, once someone's feelings are gone, they are gone. Doesn't matter if it's male or female. Yes, it's true that men can be open to going back but that usually is more because of sexual attraction than anything else.

 

As far as I am concerned, all the women I have been done with, I have never had any inclination of getting back together with them, other than for the most obvious reason.

[Puckdog27]

In my experience, once someone's feelings are gone, they are gone. Doesn't matter if it's male or female. Yes, it's true that men can be open to going back but that usually is more because of sexual attraction than anything else.

 

As far as I am concerned, all the women I have been done with, I have never had any inclination of getting back together with them, other than for the most obvious reason.

 

Wow....someone dug this out. LOL

 

Yes, I have women friends explain to me that once a gal has had enough it shuts down and there aint nothing to change it

[Puo]

I don't really like generalizations based on gender. It pretty much paints a picture that only women make up their minds and stick with it, and guys who are the dumper will most likely come back. It kinda bothers me.

 

I think that, in most cases, no matter what the gender is, once the dumper makes their decision there is no turning back. The only situations where the dumper may change there mind is if they left someone for someone else and realized later on that it was a huge mistake, or that a lot of time has passed and the dumper reaches out to the dumpee (or vice versa).

[DMK]

I want to also chime in here...As a male dumpee with a female dumper, I can't say they never reach back out, but it's usually for selfish reasons, at least that has been my experience so far.

 

So YES in either case they do think about you. But not in the way you want, at least I don't think so with female dumpers. They don't think, oh man, I wish [dumpee] was my boyfriend again! They may remember a good memory or a specific quality, or even wish you back as a friend so they can still enjoy those good qualities without any commitment or romantic involvement.

 

However, it seems quite rare that a dumper looks back lovingly towards reconciliation, especially a female one. At least that's what I have experienced in my life.

[JoshHimself]

I want to also chime in here...As a male dumpee with a female dumper, I can't say they never reach back out, but it's usually for selfish reasons, at least that has been my experience so far.

 

So YES in either case they do think about you. But not in the way you want, at least I don't think so with female dumpers. They don't think, oh man, I wish [dumpee] was my boyfriend again! They may remember a good memory or a specific quality, or even wish you back as a friend so they can still enjoy those good qualities without any commitment or romantic involvement.

 

However, it seems quite rare that a dumper looks back lovingly towards reconciliation, especially a female one. At least that's what I have experienced in my life.

 

I agree here, I mean I think they DO think about us, and if they do they feel guilty somewhat then, they said well this one time he did this. And this other time he did that. It's like they have to reassure themselves that what they did was right for many diffrent reasons. Even if they feel wrong. There not going back on it. I hate to say it, women are more prideful then men.

[wildestkabs]

I don't really like generalizations based on gender. It pretty much paints a picture that only women make up their minds and stick with it, and guys who are the dumper will most likely come back. It kinda bothers me.

 

I think that, in most cases, no matter what the gender is, once the dumper makes their decision there is no turning back. The only situations where the dumper may change there mind is if they left someone for someone else and realized later on that it was a huge mistake, or that a lot of time has passed and the dumper reaches out to the dumpee (or vice versa).

 

I would completely agree with this..

[wildestkabs]

However, it seems quite rare that a dumper looks back lovingly towards reconciliation, especially a female one. At least that's what I have experienced in my life.

 

I think it would really depend on what caused the break up. If the relationship was an abusive one, then yes. Or even if both parties knew they were just not a good match.

 

However, I think if the reason for the break up was something which can be worked on, then I think dumpers can be open to getting back together, regardless of whether they are male or female. There are just so many variables involved and this is so much of a case-by-case basis thing, that there is just no one right or wrong answer.

[Skeptic76]

How about cases where the "official" dumper is actually the dumpee? For example: one partner commits a "deabreaker" relationship no-no, thereby forcing the other partner to leave (if they have self-respect). So the partner that is forced to leave is the "official" dumper: "I can't stand for this!" but only because the "true" dumper has already made an emotional exit from the relationship. Did that make any sense, lol?

[JoshHimself]

I think it does, yeah it does.

[unknown100]

The longer the time since the breakup, the less I think about any of my exes (regardless of dumping or being dumped). I actually keep in touch with a couple of them (the non-jerks), and never wonder what if - just knew it was the right thing to do. Even with one whom I was with for several years, great loving relationship, while we still talk and I will always have nothing but warmth for him - I don't ask what if. I think in the longer term it was the right decision. With time, I think you just come terms and feelings became memories of feelings.

 

Funny though, a man whom I dated years ago contacted me recently after his marriage and divorce to someone else to apologize to me for some old stuff that happened with us. He admitted having me on his mind over all of those years and clearly had been asking what if or holding on to some regret. Technically I had dumped him, but it was because he deserved it.

 

The last guy, who totally wronged me, sadly I still think of him/that relationship a lot. Mostly because I am still healing and in shock from the damage done, but sometimes I catch myself asking all sorts of whys because even though he was scum, he was the first person I allowed myself to dream big with. I am certain those thoughts won't last forever because he is so unworthy - but I will always remember how badly he crossed me. That won't leave.

[unknown100]

Skeptic76 - I get it. It totally makes sense. Been there. People sabotage relationships all the time, because they don't have the guts to do the dumping or because they feel guilty.

[Puckdog27]

I don't really like generalizations based on gender. It pretty much paints a picture that only women make up their minds and stick with it, and guys who are the dumper will most likely come back. It kinda bothers me.

 

I think that, in most cases, no matter what the gender is, once the dumper makes their decision there is no turning back. The only situations where the dumper may change there mind is if they left someone for someone else and realized later on that it was a huge mistake, or that a lot of time has passed and the dumper reaches out to the dumpee (or vice versa).

 

Never said it was gender specific. My point is that women tie a lot of emotion into a relationships, but once the hit a breaking point emotionally that's that. Not saying guys don't react that way too.

[intolerable]

This.

 

One observation I had with my fellow women and myself is that we forgive... but we never, ever forget. And I think that's the reason why we supposedly don't go back as much as men. This is also the reason why it's more common for women to point out past mistakes than men (just my observation of course.)

[ev1782]

My ex told me she got "FRUSTRATED" with me....

She told me its not that you hurt me deeply,, its just that im FRUSTRATED with you lol She knows i loved her, never cheated like ALL her other Boyfriends (she even broke into my email and realized,, ohh wow he's not a cheater)

 

and we had sooooo many great times and she was the one pushing Marriage and long term commitment and had me fly over to Puertorico to meet her Grandma and get her seal of approval and GOT IT! (2 weeks b4she broke up with me)

 

So everything was going well between me and my GF,, we had our "frustrating" issues as she put it but nothing major,,,, Then she moved out with her sister and best friend, got a NEW job, started hanging out with a guy friend of hers i had reservations about (she would never date him, i just didnt like his lack of respect for our relationship) and BANG,,,, an argument and we are broken up!

 

After she breaks up with me,, she calls me the very next night wanting to POSSIBLY work things out,, stay friends, see what happens,,, Well that never works,,, bickering and 2 weeks later slip in to NC,,, the last thing she tells me is that in her heart and mind,, she is know longer my GF and that she is Glad that at the very least i will be who she wants me to be,,,, For someone else LOL.

 

i dunno if she will comeback,,, and im healing and realizing i dont need her back, She's a classic case of GIGs,, once she had this new found independence, she figure let me break up now and experience commitment free life!

 

Regardless of what happens i KNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW she will think of me,,,, all her other relationships ended cause of some form of verbal abuse and cheating,,,, Me i was 100% in love with her and wanted to marry her and be happy and was a very compromisable guy....

 

One thing i know is she was very hesitant about breaking up with me. And based on the fact that i know she wont meet a dude that would go above and beyond like i did,, i have a feeling she may try to come back at some point.

[SocialStigma]

I just broke up with my ex exactly 1 week ago and I think about him multiple times everyday.

 

But I never think about my exes (who I also dumped) unless I come accross their facebook profile or do something that reminds me of them, granted my most recent relationship before my current one was 5 years ago so I probably wouldn't have thought about them regardless.

[hmmwhoknows]

I really don't think it's a matter of one person "coming back" to the other person. Rather, for those few reconciliations that DO occur and actually work out, the two former lovers find each other once again, and the dynamic of someone waiting for the other or of someone being a victim is long since gone. For that to happen, there has to be a significant amount of time that has gone by.

 

And while it may very well be true that girls don't "come back" (as it is referred to) as much as guys, human behavior is so diverse, and the human experience so varied, that it's futile to even make these generalizations.

 

At least that's how I see it. Maybe I'm sick of wondering, and am coming to the realization that no one on the planet knows what is going to happen in the future. So reading "GIRLS NEVER COME BACK!" doesn't mean a damn thing to me.