houdini Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Hello, I have a question that I wonder if any you ever ask yourself. Does the ex feel the same as us in regards to NC? What I mean is while I'm doing NC to get myself back, to heal, to move on and to find happiness again..I can't help but wonder if she's healing herself and moving on... The more time that passes by I do get better and I know eventually I'll be back to normal and will be ok with the breakup. I just wonder if she's doing the same and will eventually feel the same and completely let go of me as I have of her...one day. I love her and I don't want that to happen, I don't want us to compeltely let go and move on and be ok with the breakup. I know she still loves me and a person can't flip a switch and move on without having a slight thought of regret or second guess. My ex is stubborn and will not make contact because she's to prideful. I'm just afraid of continuing with NC and doing more bad than good. I want her back and want to do the best thing to achieve that. Thanks for listening to my rambling Houdini Day 42 of NC.....and I miss her still.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 42 days isn't enough time to heal, so you're still hoping she'll somehow want to reconcile. It's normal to have these thoughts, but with more time you'll start thinking about a future on your own. Letting go is so hard, but NC is the best way to recover. Hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GQstatus Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 My ex is the most stubborn person I've met to date. Including myself (I'm extremely stubborn). She caved after about 3 weeks no contact. With the "I love you's" "I miss you's" "Why haven't I heard from you". I think it really depends on who did the dumping. If she dumped you, it seems she should be the one to "come back". She let you go, thereforeee she should be the one to initiate contact, I think. If you had a long relationship, I'm sure she misses you at times, and still has love for you. Unfortunately those things alone aren't enough for people to regret their choice. After 42 days of NC, you should be very proud of yourself. More than I can say for myself. The ex and I are in LC, and I'm still figuring out when and if I"m going to imply NC. Hold your head high man, you've done so good. You'll find out if she misses you, and wants you back, when you hear those words our of her mouth. And by that time, you may very well have washed your hands and moved on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperDave71 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Hi Houdini, The way I see it....if someone loves you.....no matter what the cost, they will let you know by SHOWING YOU. I know we miss our ex's. I got mine back. I did it because I did N.C. and moved on with my life. I learned to love her enough to wish her the best no matter who she was with. Was I sad? No, shockingly enough. I learned that I had no control over her so why worry. I looked at my life as exciting again. I wanted to know what tomorrow brought for ME...instead of focusing my energy omn something I had no control over. **Remember** You can't make someone fall in love with you, but you sure can make them fall OUT of love with ya. She came back on her own and said she had made some really bad mistakes. Not only did she tell me she loved me, she showed me and continues to do so to this day. Good luck!! SuperDave71 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thunderforce Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Huh I don't understand... You are doing NC to heal yourself and to move on and then you say you don't want to completely let go and be okay with the break-up because you can't deal with the fact your ex is probably doing the same! Concentrate on you, you only ... I don't know the reason why you broke up. But when you are doing NC it's only because you want to heal and move on! It's over because it's broken! I can see you are not healed yet because otherwise you wouldn't care so much about your ex. really, truly in a few weeks/ months you don't care anymore, I can promiss you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigeon.egg Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 I'm just afraid of continuing with NC and doing more bad than good. I want her back and want to do the best thing to achieve that. Houdini, I have the same fears- which is why although technically I am in NC, I can't commit to it completely yet (even though I haven't been in touch with him in any way since March 20th and I haven't heard from him since the 15th). But I am scared that by doing this, he will disappear from my life forever. Nevertheless, I would gladly spend my life with this person and am doing what I have to to achieve that - contacting him before he is ready will only push him further away and I would hate that... we both need time to think. I know that NC is for healing not getting them back - I guess that is why I am scared to call it anything other than "giving him time" at this point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wandering_Sword Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 I'm sure they'll move on but it doesn't mean they have forgotten you and you in turn will not have forgotten them. When the ex leaves there really is nothing you can do (as Super Dave has stated) take control of what you can affect and that is YOU and your LIFE. As you begin to heal and take those baby steps towards moving on you will still have the ex in the back of your mind but he/she will not be so prominent anymore. You will see once again how great the world is and that life wasn't so grim or dire after all, it was only hidden by your own clouds of despair and all you had to do was take the time and walk out of it. Take care of yourself brother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houdini Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 Thanks everyone for your replies, I know my post was a bit confusing because I had said I was doing NC for myself but then a second later I say I want her back and miss her. I think for the most part many of us here go into NC with our ex in hopes that NC heals the both of us to a point where we both see what a mistake it is to be apart. The problem I have is when you break up with someone as I have in the past you feel ashamed, have regrets and guilt especially if you feel as a dumper you've made big mistake. If a considerable amount of time has passed, as a dumper you're even more scared to make any contact with the dumpee in fear of rejection yourself. I've had this feeling before and I know that as much as I wanted to contact the dumpee I didn't only because I felt I had done enough damage to her already and hurt her and us to much to feel that I deserved another chance. That is what I fear with my current ex, that maybe she has the same fears. That she may be thinking she's hurt me to bad and doesnt deserve a second chance and will take my 42days of NC as I have moved on and it's better to let things rest than to wake things back up again. I think it's natural in a lot of cases where the dumper will walk away with his or head down in shame,regret and guilt but to afraid to make contact. I've felt this way in the past and we walk away as a dumper not knowing how the dumpee really feels and let go when maybe they really wanted to work things out. It's as if we part ways but wanting to be together but both the dumper and dumpee are to scared to make any contact. As time goes by things just fade away, how will we both ever know how eachother truly feels if both of us are on NC terms. Houdini Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houdini Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 Thanks WS, SD and the many others!!! I do feel a ton better since starting NC with my ex, I just have this nagging thought of what could actually be happening. I've heard it on here before "The mexican standoff" where both of us are refusing to make contact out of fear of rejection. This is what goes through my mind and that bugs me the most. It's not so much that I cringe with the thought of her with another man, moving on etc..(even though it still makes me a bit sad) I have accepted a lot of what has happened and realize I have work to do on myself. I just don't want us to be waiting for the other to make contact and for it not to ever happen and we just fade away...especially if we love eachother. People will say, "If she loves you, nothing will stop her from wanting you back or making contact" well that comment goes for me too doesn't it????? Houdini Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
papalazarou Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Indeed it does Houdini old boy. If you want her back then say so or at least ask if she wants to meet. You have probably healed enough by now so if she says "no" then it wont set you back too much - if at all. What I would say is that if she does say no. Hold your head up high and say "no problem, if you wanna get in touch then let me know". That way you have left the door open and its up to her to take you up on your offer. She also knows that you are not going to freak out or whatever if you do make contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperDave71 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 If love is included in BOTH parties involved....do you think it would be as difficult as you are making it? If she was the dumper, No it doesn't go for you to. The reasoning is, if she rejected you, try and try again.....she STILL rejected you. Why would you try to get something back..that doesn't want you? Make sense? -SuperDave71 -SuperDave71 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houdini Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 superdave you're right, I understand your point. But let me ask you this, if a dumper left because of the mistakes of the dumpee, mistakes that could be fixed or worked on. Do you feel that it's still the responsibility of the dumper to make the contact??? I mean the dumper left for specific reasons that caused them to be unhappy and a lot had to do with the dumpee, so I can see how easily it would be for the dumper to feel that the dumpee had to "prove their love" to the dumper. Houdini Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
macgyver4ever Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 superdave you're right, I understand your point. But let me ask you this, if a dumper left because of the mistakes of the dumpee, mistakes that could be fixed or worked on. Do you feel that it's still the responsibility of the dumper to make the contact??? I mean the dumper left for specific reasons that caused them to be unhappy and a lot had to do with the dumpee, so I can see how easily it would be for the dumper to feel that the dumpee had to "prove their love" to the dumper. Houdini I think that is a good point. For example, if you cheated, or lied or in someway deceived your ex and they dumped you for that, then you would be the one who needs to prove you have changed. You can't do it by "Hey Ex, I've Changed!," you have to show it in your attitude and actions. The problem is, you need to have made these changes. IT can't be an act. My ex made the mistakes, she cheated, and she ended it with me. She is not contacting me out of pride, and she does not want to lead me on or hurt me anymore. I know she still loves me, and is probably thinking about me and comparing me to her new boyfriend. In order for my ex ever to try to come back to me, I would have to let her know that the door is open. I have in no way let me ex think I am sitting around pining away for her. I am always happy and upbeat when I have talked to her, so why would she want to call me an mess with me when she "thinks" I have moved on. She's a good person who has made bad decisions. I'm trying to help her make a good one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperDave71 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Yes, I do houdini.... I feel if a dumper does love you...and learns that "Hey, we both made mistakes and we can learn from them and move on together", that they will contact you. I am a firm believer that if I was rejected that ANYONE will not get ANYTHING from me. To reject anyoneo is harsh...but to expect ANYTHING from the rejected ( phone call, text, email, etc etc) is simply ridiculous. If someone told me they didn't want me anymore (rejection), I would give them EXACTLY what they wanted. They don't wanna see me any longer, I wouldn't be seen nor heard from because of my sake....NOT theirs. Make sense? -SuperDave71 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dubb Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Hah what if they did contact you and said nothing? I am kinda stuck wondering now about that. I hope to catch you online SD. Could use your advise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MasterT Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Houdini: You make an interesting point. I would imagine some dumpers never contact out of fear of their own rejection as well... But think of it this way: They had the bravery and audacity to walk out of a good relationship. If they had that bravery once, they should be able to have that same bravery and courage to try and restart it again. If they cannot, then I would say let them go. Why? Because that establishes them as being rather cowardly, and a person who is afraid of someone tends to hide things from others. Last thing I would want it to give my dumper another chance and find out later on that she is hiding things from me. Things that could involve cheating on me! As SuperDave said: If they love you, they will jump mountains and swim oceans to try to get you back into their lives... That means they'll get over their fear of rejection and contact you to get back together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperDave71 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Hey Dubb, You have to make a choice.....the way I see it is simple....if you can handle being rejected again....go for it. If you can't ...don't do it!! -SuperDave71 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dubb Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Thanks SuperDave, I am just confused. I always felt it was up to the dumper to come back too or atleast make their intentions clear on what they want when they contact us. Getting Back together feels like a game of chess heh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperDave71 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 The way not to play a game.....is NOT to play. -SuperDave71 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1forthegipper Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Definitely, It can be a game of chess but you have to think of it in these terms..Once you use the word "game" in a relationship it's best just to get up out the chair and let your ex play by themselves. It's childish and cowardly for a dumper to sit there and require the dumpee to jump through hoops in order for them to prove their love.... When the dumper dumped the dumpee WE ALL KNOW that the dumper jumps through hoops,swims oceans,climbed mountains, walked through fire to keep the dumper from leaving.. We've done everything possible to profess our love to our ex's and that has given them the open door to walk in and reconcile if THEY want to. Until then go about your business and don't wait arround. If the dumper feels that he or she can't contact out of guilt or shame sooner later that won't matter IF they truly LOVE YOU!!!!! They made the choice to leave, and they know that and you don't need to remind them that they are the one that will have to contact if they want to redeem themselves no matter what the reasons were for leaving. If they love you enough they will contact you to discuss the problems, apologize for the hurt they caused you and be man or woman enough to talk to you about the issues and reconciliation if possible. Love is not about pride, love is letting your guard down and give your heart without any fear. Houdini, keep in mind that your ex left for whatever reason. She felt it was time to go and whether this is a good reason or not in time she'll find out. Just let her be for now, don't contact her because if she's being stubborn or prideful it will be her loss. What good is it to have a ton of pride but lose the one you love... Sounds ignorant to me and if thats the case,..let her live with her pride alone... Tha Gipp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wandering_Sword Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 I understand how you're worried about the "Mexican Standoff" but it is true that if someone loves you they will move heaven and earth to be with you. Regardless of how stubborn. My ex (the dumper), whom I've told that I cannot be friends with her and that I can never speak to her again has contacted me after three months of absolute silence. I'm not saying she wants back together or anything like that, but what I am saying is that they will contact you if they want to and I'm saying this because my ex is more stubborn then a mule. And I was perfectly fine with her never contacting me again. I guess I had moved on better than I thought. So don't worry about the "Mexican Standoff" scenario. But if you want to thrust yourself into the role of initiating contact, just be prepared for the worse and picture how you would handle it. I remember one of the first things I read when I first touched down here in August 2006 and it was this (I'm paraphrasing): "How would you feel having breakfast with your ex and watching her smile because her boyfriend was in her bed the night before?" For me I couldn't deal with that picture in my head initially so I went straight NC and never looked back. But now I realize that if I can move on so can she and I wish her the absolute best that life can offer because that's what I'm gunning for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Openheart1 Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 I disagree with teh statement that you can't make fall someone in love with you, but you can make them fall out of love with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1forthegipper Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 Well since there are disagreements on this thread...lol...I will add my own disagreement...I disagree that YOU can make someone fall out of love... Falling out of love is a choice that the person makes on their own. If you love someone, you work to maintain that love...as they say it's easy to fall in love harder to keep it.... Tha Gipp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fellyfell Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 How do you know if they are even thinking about you. I too have a stubborn ex-girl and she is one tuff woman. Like wandering sword says, she is one stubborn mule. I constantly beat myself up over this topic, wondering if she is even thinking about me at all. It's been a few weeks since we last talked. I don't understand how these people can just walk out and blame us for everything without a warning sign and run off with someone new and be happy, in some cases when kids are involved. How heartless are these people and will the ever pay for hurting innocent lives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bear12 Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 i'm sure they think of us... maybe even miss us. but thinking about us/missing us and wanting us back are very different things... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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