houdini Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 Hello everyone, I'm having a bit of a down day today and needed to post my feelings. It's been a couple of months since my breakup and the breakup came out of the blue. I know we had our problems but I thought everything was going ok. She would tell me nice things all the time and tell me how much she loved me and couldn't live with out me (We're were having a LDR but we have a son together and she has 2 daugthers from a previous marriage) Things ended after christmas week the 2nd week of janurary and my life hasn't been the same since. Our plans, our future, our family was gone with a few words "Im not in love with you anymore" I still till this day have no idea if there was another person involved or if she just really gave up hoping for a future with me, as this was one of her excuses. I begged and cried for the first 3 weeks and tried talking sense to her but it did no good. She said she made up her mind and wasn't changing it, she blamed me for the demise of our relationship and pointed every small mistake I've ever made. Arround the end of the first month of our breakup I decided I was going to not call and go NC as everyone here has stated to do. It was rough in the beginning and I've managed to go 39days today since we had any communication other than her email and text message in the past 39days. I'm doing a lot better than I was in the beginning but like today I still miss her and wish that we could get back together. I think the problem I have is fully letting go of her because I feel that she is being stubborn and has to much pride or maybe even guilt to make any contact with me. I know her to be this way, she's always been the type to not chase anyone or admit she did anything wrong. I'm just afraid of completely letting go when maybe she wants to contact me but is to stubborn and pridefull to do it. I have many thoughts of reaching out to her one last time but I always stop myself. There have been 100's of times that I've typed text messages, emails and dialed her number and never had the courage or strength to press the "send" button. I know I have to keep moving and I read on here that dumper must initiate contact because they are the one that left and we're only respecting their wishes. My fear again is that she has anger and resentment but still loves me and we are both playing this standoff game with eachother. I would hate for me to be here and her to be there....both looking at our phones, checking to see if either of us has broken down to make contact. If it's a game that we're playing how do we know? how do I know if she still cares and loves me? I know you'll say, "If she cares and loves you she'll contact you" well, I care and I love her and here I am doing NC and not contacting her. What do I do?????? how do I know???? We had so much potential, so much to throw away and I feel that she doesn't realize what she's letting go. The fact that we both have 2 children from a previous marriage and a son together should mean something to her and also the fact that since we live 500 miles away she knows that it will be very very very hard to have any healthy relationshp with my 4yr old son. Why would a mother take away 2 fathers out of her kids lives. She left her ex husband and now has left me because of problems that can be worked out. She seem to think that not having any fathers and her being the father and mother is good enough for her kids. She says her main concern is herself, her kids, work and school. She lives with her parents and her mom helps her out, she's 34yrs old and has a great job with the state. She also stated that there is no one else and that who would want a woman with 3 children!!!! Any advice or comments would be appreciated Sorry for rambling, I'm just having a bad day today Your friend Houdini Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b2761 Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 it's possible that she is just not the type to be interested in anything long term with anybody. She may have always been a ticking time bomb waiting to go off and go away. That she held onto so many details of what you did 'wrong' (and without telling you along the way, it sounds like)makes it sound like she's someone who just compiles information and when she feels she has enough, away she goes. You stated "I feel that she doesn't realize what she's letting go"- well, she's not going to find that out by you telling her it, which is why NC is a good idea. If she ever comes to the conclusion she wants to be with you again, she's going to come to it alone- without the distraction of you in front of her. N/C should not be regarded as a strategy for getting someone to miss you- it's about protecting yourself from having to deal with the unequal way someone feels about you. It sucks, I know, but basically it sounds like you want to be with her but it doesn't sound like she particularly wants to be with you anymore. Again- she just may not be the type who can do a long term thing, though she may not be aware of it and thereforeeee just whips out the list of what you did wrong that 'made' her come to the decision she did. Contacting her certainly won't change her wanting to be with you- it might just have the opposite effect of making her definitely scratch you off her list. Take good care of yourself- and realize this is a process that will take awhile, but you will get on the other side of it. And hopefully the next person you're involved with won't be as ambivalent as it sounds like this woman is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr.Amore Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 Man your story is almost identical to mine. Its been 6 weeks for me but i know its over for good. I feel also that she dosnt relize what she left but what can you do. You have to be strong in these times and realize its over. If she wants you back let her come to you. Seeing as your the one who is in more pain it will only you bring you down even more then you are. Hang in there man im still not over her but iv come to realize why should i punish myself. Life is hard as hell at times and the pain is unbearable but we have to have faith and look forward to the good times up ahead. If you feel like reading my thread there is some real good responses there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bar35 Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 I believe that what the first poster said is correct, this woman was a ticking time bomb and BOOM she just went off. These personalities are totally crazy to deal with. You called it though, she took children away from 2 men, and to be honest with you i wouldn't be surprised if she goes for 3. I don't know what it's about but it sounds like borderline personality disorder to me or some other kind of nuttiness. Borderlines idealize their partners very quickly then just as quickly marginalize them. When you are on the receiving end of this it royally sucks. Be strong, obviously you have a right to have a relationship with your son. In time you will come to realize who she really is and that is so often not who we wanted a person to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houdini Posted March 30, 2007 Author Share Posted March 30, 2007 Bar35,Dr.Amore and b2761, Thank you for your replies..talking to someone and getting responses is great therapy so I thank you once again. I have done reading on personality disorders and I can see similar traits in my ex. She's a very beautiful woman, successful in her job, well liked by her co-workers and friends, in public she was the greatest, EVERYONE loved her. They would often tell me I'd better treat her good and hold on to her cause she was a diamond. That always made me feel worse because I felt I was never good enough and on top of that no one knew what it was like to have a relationship with her. It was like walking on egg shells wondering if she was going to get upset with me or not. I felt as if I could never be myself she would always tell me that she felt SHE was not good enough for me because after time went by I grew calous and felt as if she didnt allow me to love her naturally and on my own.. She had grand expectations and if I didnt meet these expectations she would get her feelings hurt and would bring up the past and say things such as "You loved your ex more than me", "If I were your ex you'd do nice things for me like you did for her" We argued a lot and I felt I was always on the defense. Defending my love for her, telling her how much I loved her and wanted us to work out but that I needed to be allowed to do loving things for her on my own and not because she expects me to. With all these issues I still loved her, I loved her daughters and of course our son. I guess my biggest fear is that she won't see the damage she's doing to all of us and that the ones that will suffer the most are the kids. I scratch my head in confusion because I don't understand how a person just ups and leaves with no sign, dont get me wrong she was loving at times, could be nice but like I said I had to watch everything I said and analyzed my words before talking to her cause she always interpreted things I said or topics I brought up as an attack on her. She was very negative which she got from her father who is the same way. I wanted this to work so bad and as shallow and my biggest fear is that she'll meet another guy, fall head over heels like she did with me and be as happy as ever and she'll have the family and marriage that she wanted with me but with someone else. Houdini Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b2761 Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 part of the reason some people just up and leave is so that they WON'T have to see the damage they've left in their wake. really- pity the next guy that she hooks up with, cause it's likely that he's going to get the same treatment you got. ANd of course, pity most of all the kids, cause they're going to have her in their lives all their lives! Being a stable person for them to go to is going to fall to you. best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houdini Posted March 30, 2007 Author Share Posted March 30, 2007 b2761, Thank you!!!!! Your words are what I needed....I blame myself sooooo much over the failure of this relationship. I know I could have done more, been a better person but I sacrificed a lot when it came to her and the kids. I will do my best to be there for my son AND her girls because no matter what I still love them too... I have to keep telling myself that it's not my loss...I just hate that she's just so beautiful, has so much going for her and has our son.... I know ANY man will be happy to have her until the TRUE her comes out....I guess that's how she traps these men....sucks the life out of them..and tosses them aside like yesterdays paper..... Thank you again everyone for your encouraging words....I sure needed them today!!! Houdini Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bar35 Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 HA! You're a man after my own heart. I hate the fact that these beautiful women will lure men in, suck them dry and spit them out. It kills me that the last two women i have dated have been highly desirable and both immediately jumped into new relationships. But you know what, those guys are in for the same crap. Exactly the same. Unfortunately these kinds of people use others just to fill a void that has much less to do with the individual who they are with than their own issues. Their intensity is highly seductive and intoxicating, but if you REALLY think about it, I mean REALLY think about it, are these women who you want to be with, or do you want to be with someone who does not jump ship on impulse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr.Amore Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 Houdini Man i feel like your telling my story its so weird. I didn't have any kids with her but she had 2 of her own. I as well blame myself so much for not being there as much, playing with the kids, ect ect. The thing is she wasn't perfect but always called me out thats why at times i would neglect her. She as well had a mental disorder and always thought negative about everything. She was beautiful had a ok job but all that don't matter. It's really who they are as a person and those types of girls will always suck a man dry and kick them to the curb. They are the type that always brag or say they always do the breaking up. But when they have a keeper they dump start over and regret leaving the one before. At least iv heard mine say that once before and seeing iv known her half my life i know the pattern of all her relationships. I looked at it this way and wish i told her this but i didn't. They say there not in love with you anymore but there are kids involved and the relationship isn't even that rocky. So you think meeting a new guy sleeping with him and then what cross your fingers and hope he falls in love with you and the kids. I mean she moved fast after the break up, and girls like that usually do because there afraid of being alone. The more NC i have the more i realize how big my heart is and how small hers was. People like that bounce around try and brain wash , nit pick at everything, complain, ect ect. I don't have a kid of my own so i feel for you i know it makes it twice as hard. Just look at it this way your better then her keep telling yourself that. Two months before the break up her daughter asked me a few times if i was gonna marry her mom. That really made it hard for me and i still hear that voice in my head from time to time. The voices in your head are like demons that want to bring you down and some times its real hard to fight. Look at your son for inspiration and be the best dad you can be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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