I found out the only way that I could

[Gus Almighty]

God help me I am having such a rough day dealing with things today. I am definitely going to tell her I wont be there tonight.

 

I want to see how she deals with it anyway.

[Locke2121]

Day by day brother...thats all you can do. So, what did her mom and dad say about her cheating, or do they know yet?

 

I am definitely going to tell her I wont be there tonight.

 

I want to see how she deals with it anyway.

 

See that! Thats the new Gus I'm talking about. The old one would have scuttled back to her the second she crooked a finger. Good going!

[blender]

God help me I am having such a rough day dealing with things today. I am definitely going to tell her I wont be there tonight.

 

I want to see how she deals with it anyway.

 

Well Gus, I've said it before and I will lovingly suggest it again, it's NOT about how SHE deals with things, it's about finding out where YOU stand in all this, so you can set some standards and values for YOUR life and live within them, if in time she wishes to grow enough to join you in living a respsectful, loyal life, then she can, but for now it's time for you to be in "acceptance" that you are not in control or have any power over how SHE feels, or what SHE does, or when SHE finally learns things, all you have control over is YOU.. and YOUR OWN CHOICES.. right now choose to let her be on her own, get busy building a life for yourself and your son full of values, and standards, be realistic, no more playing highschool games of "I'll do or say this and then she might do or say that"...UGH....

 

Just live a life YOU are proud of, and for now I'm sure you're not proud of choosing to stay involved with a woman whom you can not trust, who you sneak around trying to detect what is "really" going on.. and whom you are trying to manipulate by changing your "approach" with each change of HER mood, and you also are allowing her "emotional illness, and mis trust" to rule both of you.... she's "into one day" and then "out the next".. all the while YOU are always "just willing to be there"? Where are YOUR standards???

[Gus Almighty]

Day by day brother...thats all you can do. So, what did her mom and dad say about her cheating, or do they know yet?

 

 

 

See that! Thats the new Gus I'm talking about. The old one would have scuttled back to her the second she crooked a finger. Good going!

 

Evidently she went and told her mother before I told her father. They are still upset that I was recording the telephone, said that if she was willing to try to work on the relationship that they would consider things a clean slate.

 

I dont much get that yet either.

[Gus Almighty]

I know blender, I know. I dont know what to say but I am trying and slowly doing it.

[Gus Almighty]

I needed to make changes in my life even before all this happened. I know the things I have to do to make amends, I only have to have the faith and strength to do it.

 

The womans never really looked to me as a man and much of that as much as I want to blame her are my own issues internally.

 

I need to start my life over and see if she wants to be a part of it other than the mother of my son.

[Gus Almighty]

Things are really starting to clear up in my head. The way I was for years, the damaged man that had trouble dealing with who I was.

 

She spent years trying to strengthen me and I was just too blinded by who I was at the time to see that.

 

I dont blame her for this, she needed a companion that was strong and more encouraging to her when she needed it. I was there for moments but I failed in alot of those times not understanding her subtle hints.

 

I was selfish myself when I was asking her for attention and she resisted, not understanding what I needed either. After a period of this I started to accept the way things were, not fight to strengthen what we had in the beginning. I began to accept that she was a certain way and she did the same with me.

 

I cannot blame her for getting close to someone she had something in common with,

[Gus Almighty]

I really wish I could show you all how much you have woken me up to things, how you have opened my eyes to the things I was doing.......and you didnt even know her side.

 

She doesnt even owe me an apology, she really wasnt in the wrong. She could have only got in my face and screamed Shawn I need you.

 

All I can do is care for her and hope that its not too late to rebuild this relationship.

 

Its no wonder shes acted the ways she has about things, she didnt feel like she was wrong.....thats why she laughed at me on the recording when he was making fun of me. She lost all faith in me and her feelings for him were so much stronger than what she had for me that to her it was not wrong.

 

I dont know if everyone goes through this at a time like this but I can hope others could open up their eyes and see. Marriage is a full time job.

[SummerGirl38]

Every time I read this I wanna cry. It's just when you think you have problems, you read a thread like this one and say "God, look at what

Gus is going through today". It definitely puts things into perspective.

 

Gus, I am so happy for you. I can actually hear your tone changing. I think you are finally on the road to healing. Your staying at your Mothers was the best thing you could have done for yourself.

 

It seems that when two people are in each others faces, having a screaming match, who can hear what the other is saying? No One.

 

One of them has to be the bigger person (in this case it happened to be you) and walk away for anything to be solved.

 

Gus, I want you to remember today "we all have our faults", "we all have hurt someone we loved at one time in our lives, whether deliberately or not ", it's only when we do not learn from our mistakes that makes us bad, hurtful people.

 

I am having the hardest time picturing you as a bad husband or father. From what I have read, you are a hard working, devoted man who puts his family first and will sacrifice his own well being for the ones he loves. You love your wife and as much as she has hurt you, you are not abandoning her. When you are faced with a nightmare such as this one, you are the bigger person, still trying to find a way to make it work for everyone involved.

 

Gus there are so many other ways you could have reacted to this. You could have pulverized this guy. You could have went out and cheated on your wife as well. You could have just walked away, left your son and never looked back.

 

Gus, you keep getting back up after you have been beaten, YOU ARE A MAN!

 

Sure there are things ALL OF US want to do over in our lives (such as me breaking my current boyfriends heart 20 years ago), I can't go back and change it, but what I have learned from it is that he only wanted the best for me (I was always so mad because he didn't like my pot smoking friends, so I dumped him).

 

Well now 21 years later, together again, this time I will atleast listen to him when he gives me advice on who I should be hanging out with. Now I know "HE" is my true friend, my best friend.

 

Hopefully one day you and your wife can have this same story I do. That you have forgiven each other and moved on to happier times. It happens, I am proof of it.

 

But honestly Gus, one day at a time, it's all you can do right now.

 

Remember, that to which does not kill us only makes us stronger.

 

The clouds will clear and I wish you bright, sunny days for your future!

[Rabican]

Marriage is a full time job. For both partners bro. Are you really so set on making this work that you are going to dismiss her cheating on you?? Everyone makes mistakes, problems with communication. changes in the way we act, who we are etc. But for petes sake man, she broke one of the big rules!

You know those 10 rules you shouldnt break.... SEVEN: 'You shall not commit adultery.'

 

It is my opinion, that if you stay with her you are going to get hurt again. Maybe that is what it will take for you to wake up and realize that you deserve better than this. Im reading your posts, and unless I am misunderstanding what you are saying, it seems that you are shouldering the blame for her cheating. thereforeeee, any time you do something wrong from here out... shouldnt you expect her to go and cheat again?

 

You need to realize that yes, you can make some changes and be a better husband.

 

But you also need to stand up, and be a man and realize that nobody put a gun to her head and made her cheat on you. She needs to make some changes, and start with accepting her share of the blame, and making steps to make sure this never happens again. Starting with losing her job, and all contact with this guy. Otherwise its a lost cause from the get go.

 

In the meantime, you need to find some ways to keep yourself busy, and have a life of your own without her. Even if you decide to stay with her, you need to be able to live on your own, without being so dependant on her.

 

------------

edit.

 

That said gus, I dont want to sound callous and mean towards you. I wish you the best, I know this is a crappy situation. But I dont want to read another post of yours 3 months from now about how you got burned again. Look out for yourself.... good luck.

[Gus Almighty]

I do understand what your saying Rab, I do feel like I have a lot of blame in the way she was feeling however she wasnt perfect either, and yes I do know its her fault that she went outside of the marriage and shes done the worst thing between either of us.

 

I am going to stay with my mom for a while and only come home for about an hour a night. We both need time to heal through this.

 

Last night I was rocking my son to sleep and I started crying uncontrollably. She rather than feeling bad, more so got angry. She stated to me that I should see that this is what is always going to happen. I asked her if she thought I was going to cry like this every time I thought of it for the next 5 years and she said she didnt know.

 

Its odd how people deal with things sometimes. I know she cares about me but she is so ridden with guilt that things like that affect her in odd ways right now.

 

The best and only thing we can do to even attempt to survive together is to take that time apart to think for eachother.

 

If she is willing to try and willing to do the things that are necessary to survive in the relationship then we may have something.

 

If not then its all I could do and I am not going to bug her about what I want anymore. If its ended its ended and we move on.

[RayKay]

I think it is pretty low of her to get mad at you for crying when you were holding your son. I find it even worse her attitude is that it is all your fault for being in this situation; and that if you would just "let it go" magically you will just all be one big happy family again. She is trying to manipulate and control the situation - maybe not with bad motive but she is certainly still not taking responsibility. Until she does...there will not be healing or repair.

 

So you made some mistakes, were a bit selfish at times. Guess what; I know very few relationships where couples do not go through things like this at times - really rough periods where there are doubts, loneliness...and they need to figure out how to get through it. That is NOT by cheating. No matter how lonely someone may feel in a relationship; there are a zillion alternatives available before ever cheating...and in fact the cheating is NEVER an option. It solves nothing, and destroys everything.

 

I am not sure if you posted about it yet; but are you going to be going to counselling as dicussed earlier?

[Gus Almighty]

I myself probably will be, but up to now she is against it. I think its because she feels she is going to get bashed by whoever talks to us but she wont say it.

 

She does take responsibility for her actions, but she is not sure she is ready to be fully committed to trying yet. This is part of the reason I am going to leave her alone for a while so she can sort out her feelings.

 

She does tell me that shes ceased contact with the man other than talking to him for a few moments at work. She claims to not be contacting him outside of work or meeting with him any longer.

[RayKay]

If she is not going to counselling because she does not want to be told she is wrong; that is NOT taking responsibility. IF she is not being honest with her family; she is NOT taking responsibility.

 

I don't know ANY therapist or counsellor by the way whom will "bash" someone.

[Dissed]

Gus I have sat back for days now & returned to your "nightmare" story.

I am one that reads more than posting as I'm not really sure I like putting my intermate stuff on a website but wow there are some loving/caring/fantastic people on here thats for sure.

I am going through a very similar hell at the moment & your thought patterns & actions are so incredibly like my own.

I think that there are men in the world that are the good guys in life that will always try to do right by there wife/family & there are the bad guys that strangely seem to attract alot of women. Sadly these good guys seem to be troden all over.

 

I would say I'm abit behind you in my current situation but one thing you are wrong to do is "blame yourself" for pushing her to the affair.

I listened to reasons my wife gave me & tore myself apart - I should of done that more, I should of done this.........Yes we can all do better in our relationships, we do take each other for granted but also communication is needed to share your thoughts & air opinions.

But whatever you did wrong does not give her a reason to cheat on you...Period - not ever.

 

At least you can cry. I wish I could just break down & have a long cry but I just don't seem able to do this.

 

I can see from your posts that like me you are just so in love with your wife that you cannot let go.

Even though in both our cases we might have no option eventually.

 

I wish you well & truly hope that your life becomes great again in what ever journey it takes.

[GQstatus]

I think her not knowing if she wants to go to counseling is also because she's not sure what she wants. It needs to soak into her thick skull the pain she has not only caused you, but herself.

 

It's very obvious you're a loving caring man, and I don't blame you for wanting to work this out. I think in time, things could work out, as long as you both took time apart to meet again along the SAME path.

 

I also agree with RayKay that her getting mad when you were crying, shows how selfish she is being. Like you're supposed to be over this in a couple days, and move on. She KNOWS you're crying because of HER, and that is bothering her.

 

My step-brother was in your exact same position a month ago. She cheated, tried to deny it, and eventually it all came out. Everyone had him pegged to "work things out" because he is such a nice guy. He gave this woman everything, from a beautiful house, to a brand new car, credit cards, anything she wanted, and she stabbed him right through the back.

 

While she was gone on "vacation" to "get away for a while", he bought a condo in another town, moved all of his things there, and called her and told her he needed space. And just 4 days ago, told her he wanted a divorce. I talked to him yesterday after not speaking for a month. He told me he was finally "turning the corner of depression and anxiety" just from being away from her. That it was still hard on him, but he was finally feeling FREE.

 

My nephew, who is 10, knows what has happened. He knows both of his parents love him to death, and for his sake they're going to stay close by to one another.

 

I just think some time away right now bro, whether it be a couple weeks, a month, whatever, will do you a lot of good. I think when she's forced to sit, alone, it will really start to sink in.

 

Stay strong bro, keep your head up, and know tomorrow is another day.

[Gus Almighty]

Hello Dissed, I am happy that you posted your similar situation and can relate with my difficulties.

 

It seems to be that the more you want them to stay the more difficult it is for them to get past things in their own minds.

 

About the only thing you can do is take time apart from the situation and give it time to heal. The woman does need someone to lean on a bit even in this situation and as I have found, if the man isnt strong then she wont handle things as well either.

 

Please feel free to keep in touch with me by pm or other means, we can do things to work together to get ourselves on the right tracks and to make sure we both stay strong.

[Gus Almighty]

Thank You, I still appreciate everyones perspectives into this. It is time for me to make my own decision and see where it leads me. Things do happen for a reason, I just have to find out what I am supposed to do with it.

 

With her or without her I do not know yet but I am going to find out who I am and who she is one way or another.

 

Yes she is being selfish, I think it takes everything she has not to cry when she sees me cry. But she chooses not too when she needs to let her emotions open up which has always been a problem with her.

[Gus Almighty]

Well last night I went ahead and stayed away from home. She went to her mothers house for the evening and I didnt even see my son last night.

 

Tonight I will have to see him though because thats going to bother me. I am either going to have her leave for a while while I see him or have her drop him off at my moms house for a while.

[Locke2121]

Yeah, don't let her get into the habit of controlling visits! A decent excuse like doctors or funerals is fine...but just not letting you she him don't fly!

[Gus Almighty]

Yeah, don't let her get into the habit of controlling visits! A decent excuse like doctors or funerals is fine...but just not letting you she him don't fly!

 

Well it wasnt like that, I needed a day away from everything anyway. I left her a message asking what she wanted to do about it.

 

Later on she called me back and just said she was going to her moms for the evening which was just fine by me. I didnt get to see my son for a night but the distance was nice.

[Locke2121]

I left her a message asking what she wanted to do about it

 

 

Carefull...while I understand your still learning the new interactions, try not to ASK what SHE wants to do. You can get the same results by simply TELLING her that you are heading to moms, ask about her plans, and make a decision. Try not to simply leave it up to her.

 

At least that sounds what you were doing.

 

Oh, have you found whats-his-name and kicked him in the shins yet?

[Gus Almighty]

Carefull...while I understand your still learning the new interactions, try not to ASK what SHE wants to do. You can get the same results by simply TELLING her that you are heading to moms, ask about her plans, and make a decision. Try not to simply leave it up to her.

 

At least that sounds what you were doing.

 

Oh, have you found whats-his-name and kicked him in the shins yet?

 

No and I dont think its even necessary in this situation. I feel that she truly did go after him, she pursued what she wanted and got it. This has been her thing for years, my love only made me overlook the clearness of her actions through life.

[Locke2121]

Ok...I can't blame you I suppose. Best to put it behind you and go forward.

[Gus Almighty]

Ok...I can't blame you I suppose. Best to put it behind you and go forward.

 

Yeah thats pretty much what I am doing. I am getting over things, even kinda laughing at the situation as sick as it sounds.

 

I am over it, I now know what I must do and not do in the future, I know what kind of woman I really want to make me happy and I know that I am going to take care of my life and get it together.

 

I am just about ready to get a date again believe it or not. Ready to find a girl to make me happy just like she evidently found.