:)

[Gracelove]

I wish that my rapist was caught. I know that he rapes women so I believe he'll eventually be caught.

 

Maybe he'll rape a girl who has a really good friend close by to help her get to the hospital.

 

It was hard because my friend was his accomplice so I didn't have anyone to help me out.

 

I don't know, it's sad that he's out raping women, that's so many lives changed.

 

One time, after a therapy session of course, I called Ariel and told her that she better not hook him up with another girl (of course I said many other things but this part bothered me).

 

The whole purpose of the call was to call her and tell her exactly what I felt about her. My therapist thought it was a good idea, as long as I wasn't looking for validation of any kind. My therapist believes Ariel is a sociopath, so my yelling at her wouldn't make her feel sorry or remorseful, it was just supposed to be for my benefit. So that I had a chance to be heard.

 

I wanted to say so much, but I couldn't. I didn't even curse at her (which I regret).

 

A week after my rape she set another girl up on a blind date with my rapist. And of course the rapist made sure Ariel had a new guy to go on a date with.

 

Anywho, I wanted her to know that I knew she set me up, and that her setting up girls for rape was going to fall on her head.

I wanted her to know that setting up girls made her just as responsible as the rapist.

 

I wanted to say all of that but it just came out, "and you better not set him up with any other girls!". Regardless, she knew what I was talking about.

 

I wonder if she actually listened, but I doubt it.

 

There was so much I wanted to say, but I just couldn't get it all out.

I told her that she was a horrible person, Oooo that must have hurt, LOL.

 

I just wish I could have been more articulate. She was completely quiet the whole time of course.

 

I was emotional, I just kind of gave up, I knew she didn't care either way.

 

I mean, she has no clue of what she is doing to people, but I guess she doesn't want to know.

 

I wish I knew what girl she set him up on a date with. He probably raped her too.

 

But he'll get his, I know he will.

 

It's just sad when I think about it. I don't hate him, but I definitely don't like him .

 

I don't mind taking responsibility for things that I've done, but it's hard to pay the price for something someone else has done.

 

I've had to pay soooo much, because he raped me. He should be reaping the consequences, not me. But that's not how rape works.

 

I don't know, drugs makes it so easy. I'm just grateful that I remember the rape, because there are so many women who don't really remember.

 

I don't know, it helps, because I know that I was raped. If I was unsure, it would drive me nuts.

 

But he was brutal, it was enough to bring me to consciousness (sp?).

 

It's just not fair for someone to be so violent with you.

[Gracelove]

I would prefer a man to beat me up as oppose to rape me.

 

I don't know, I've gotten a lot better I think.

 

But I don't really sit around thinking about the rapist or visualize the rape.

 

I usually just spend my time dealing with the results of the rape. The disorders, the emotional trauma, and the manifestations of that.

 

Weight has been a big thing. I'm almost unrecognizable. It's sad.

I used to be so thin and pretty, then this happened before my eyes.

 

I don't know if it got worse because I stopped taking medicine, I don't know.

 

I mean I know that in the beginning I intentionally started putting on the weight, but that was so long ago.

 

And then at one point I know that food was the only pleasant thing in my life. I was in complete pain, and so depressed, food was the only thing that was okay.

 

And then the bad thing is that I would go to the doctor in physical pain. I would tell them what was hurting and they would say they couldn't treat me (give me medicine to ease the pain) because it was depression related. My body was healthy according to them, my mind was causing the pain.

 

Hearing that made me want to cry because it was like nothing could end my pain.

 

That was a rough period of time, it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

 

It's just......it's sad.

 

Then even now, I'm comfortable with the weight, I feel comfortable...but I don't like the way I look.

 

If I could keep that "fat" feeling while becoming thin, It'd be great.

 

Anywho, I can write about things, but not really talk about them, when I do I bust out crying, or I get really stressed.

 

Who knew that talking about things could be so stressful. I always thought talking was easy.

 

But I don't like opening my mouth and talking about the rape situation. I rather not, it just really upsets me.

 

Life isn't fair, but it is what it is, and at least I have people who love me.

I'm so grateful for that.

[Gracelove]

That girl I was talking about earlier today, who was raped and murdered, I feel so sorry for her.

 

After my rape, I wished my rapist would have just killed me. Because I was living in so much pain and anguish everyday, and it was never-ending.

 

But, I just feel so sorry for women who are raped and murdered because they never have a chance. Just to live, or be loved, or see the beauty that the world still has to offer .

 

I don't know, it was horrible, and I probably would prefer death to going through those beginning stages of rape again.....

...but when you survive that part you're glad about it. You appreciate it so much, because it's a living hell.

 

I mean now, I can look for apartments and get married, and be loved, so surviving is actually a gift.

 

And Doris..........it just brings tears to my eyes. A beautiful life ended.

Times are hard, and painful, and crazy, but in the end life is worth it.

 

And it's not fair to be robbed of that .

 

There are so many evil people in the world. I mean she never had anyone to hold her and tell her it would be okay.

 

She died with her monster.

 

I grieve because no one was there to rescue me from my rapist, but even so, I eventually was able to leave that monster, to not have to see him anymore .

 

If I would have died and that monster was the last thing I saw..............

What can you say to that.

 

No one can ever help her again........

 

I mean, when you're raped no one is there to help you, but there are people there to help you after the fact.

 

But she'll never get help that comes after the fact, she's dead.

It's just so sad. You don't die anywhere beautiful. The last thing you see before you die is that monster, your rapist.

It's not fair.

 

Why do they do it? Is it really worth it?

I guess they'll never know, since they don't have to deal with the consequences.

 

Well, I shouldn't say that. I keep having to remind myself that no one gets away with anything.

God makes sure of that. We may not always see that person get their just deserve, but at least we know they get it.

 

But sometimes I wonder what their punishment will be. After you endure so much pain and for so long you wonder what would be a just punishment for the person that violated you.

 

I'm just so curious. What could possibly make my rapist hurt as much as I do and have.

 

Of course I don't really need to figure that out, I could never know what could hurt him. Only God knows what would hurt him more than anything, I just wonder what that might be.

[Gracelove]

Anywho, I think writing my thoughts out helps a lot.

 

One day, when I fully recover, I really want to help other rape victims. Doing that would be so fulfilling.

 

I don't know I could volunteer for the crisis center, but I think I'd be crying, LOL.

I'd probably be crying along with the other victims, but you're supposed to be strong when you're helping someone...calm and encouraging.

 

But then I have to be careful. I don't think I'm as people savy as I'd like to believe. I mean just because someone has been raped, it doesn't mean that they are a good person. I mean they could be bad previously .

 

I don't know, I just think I might be duped, ya know.

I knew Ariel for 3+ years, and I would have sworn she was a very upstanding person.

I thought she was great.

 

See what I mean. I don't know, it makes me doubt my judgement.

 

She did things that I thought were a little weird, but I guess I just didn't think they meant much.

 

I just keep thinking, I should have picked up on the signs.

I just liked having friends I guess. Supporting and encouraging people is what I like to do if they'll let me I guess.

 

I don't know, what can I say? I didn't know. I think that means I'm not that people savy. If I would have been able to read people better I would have picked up on something sinister I think.

 

Anywho, you'll never know. Bottom line is I guess, I still want to help rape victims, whether they are good or bad, I just don't want to be hurt in the process.

 

I just have to take care of myself now. I was raped and I won't let anything like that happen again. I have to take my safety seriously.

 

I was thinking of calling or writing the detective who took my report.

But I'm scared, I don't want to talk about the rape anymore. I know that I don't really have any type of case because I don't have a rape kit.

My report is there just in case another woman comes in to report him. I wanted to give the next girl all of the support I could.

 

But now that he knows I reported him, the detective said that he probably won't be returning to Atlanta .

At least he's worried enough not to get caught right? Do you think the report put a dent in his confidence? I hope so.

 

I wonder if he has a conscience (sp?)? I hope so, if he has one then he may think twice before raping the next girl. I mean he should feel bad for what he's doing. If he felt bad, that would actually make me feel better .

 

Since I watch Oprah, I've thought about, what if he were to ask me for forgiveness?

I would say I forgave him, but not to his face.

 

My gift to myself, is that I'll never have to see his face again.

 

I feel like I've forgiven him, because I don't obsess about him or getting revenge .

 

I don't have the energy to hate him or think about revenge. I have my hands full with all of the aftermath.

[Gracelove]

Of course I've had my time of anger, when I did want revenge. I never wanted to get it myself, but I wanted to think about all of the horrible things I wanted to happen to him.

 

That was sooo theraputic.

Because before rape I had never experienced true anger.

I always thought anger transformed you into a bad person.

 

Since my mom is queen of the house I was never really able to express anger, so I turned it into sadness and kept it within.

 

But after the rape, whew!, talk about anger! I mean true, pure anger, I definitely had it. Not right away of course, but once I began therapy......it came so strong.

I was so angry I didn't know how to respond. I had never felt such a strong emotion, I didn't know what to do with it.

 

I felt like an alien, I felt so weird.

 

But it's all apart of life and growing I guess.

 

I know things will eventually fall in place, I'm just trying to be patient.

Patient with recovery, with the weight, with everything.

 

It's still very hard, but it's a million times easier than it was before...so, in that case, it really does get better.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh! My parents went through and cleaned out my suitcases, who knows where in the hell they put my stuff. They are so d*** nosey!!!!

 

I just finished chatting with my best friend and I can't find my freaking sleeping pills!!!

 

My kitten is feeling all better and is harassing me as always so I can barely type.

 

She is so freakin fast, she chases my hands and feet and she bites.

 

So I guess I'm done, there is absolutely no privacy in my parents home.

 

This cat is something else she can still reach her stitches and she has irritated them.

Whoever my dad took her too did a shoty job, she's bleding a little bit. I mean that's the whole purpose pf this collar around her neck, to keep her from reaching them.

 

I can't take this I'm asking my parents where they put my stuff

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Thank you Jesus!!!

 

Sleep medicine!!! I woke my parents they told me where it was.

 

LOL, my cat is standing on my back right now.

 

I just hate that she can reach her stiches, I don't even know what vet he (my dad) took her to, it wasn't the one I take her to. He's all about saving money and it was about $150 less where he took her.

 

I just can't watch her all the time and stop her from doing it.

 

My best friend and I chatted on IM all night long!!!

Talk about fun! Soooo much fun! It's like having a girl night even though we're hours aparts.

 

Pills are kicking in. I wish I had cable in my room

 

I'm sooo sleepy right now!!! My kitten sure knows how to wear me out. Man, she's something else, I can't tell you how many times I've tripped and hurt myself in an effort not to hurt her. She stay right underneath me and she's soooo fast it's crazy.

 

I just want her safe and healthy. I can't wait for her to heal.

 

Well, I'm off to bed.

 

Oh know, she just jerked violently. I wonder if I should give her some medicine. But she's not supposed to have it quite yet.

 

I just need her to be healthy, no more stress.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Well it's been a nice day.

I'm a little nervous about getting married.

 

I've got to lose weight before the wedding.

 

I don't know, I can't believe I'll be married, I'm a little scared. I know I'll feel better when the time comes because I'll have my boyfriend there, but it just all seems a little scary.

 

Of course I guess it would be scary, I've never been married before.

It'll just be me and my husband. Working through life together.

 

He's taken care of himself very well on his own. He doesn't even have any credit cards.

He's very responsible, so I guess I shouldn't be too scared.

 

Marriage, whew. I wouldn't be nervous if it were just him and I, but my parents want to elope with us, LOL!

And if his parents come I'll be really nervous.

 

Marriage is huge. I'll want someone there with me while I'm in vegas, to help me get dressed, calm me down.

 

Ahh!!!

 

Now that it's getting close..........

 

And then the rings. I'll have to pay off my credit card, so I can use them for our wedding rings.

 

I'm just syked about our bed, it's going to be soooo comfortable!

 

Growing up is scary. Sometimes I tell myself, "Grace you've been raped, what else is there to possibly be afraid of?"

 

That really does help me pull myself together sometimes.

 

But you know how you're nervous, nervous-happy.

And then what about my friends?

Am I going to have a wedding where they can be there?

 

But will it be the same? I mean, will my friends and I be all giddy and excited if I'm already technically married?

 

I don't know, there is sooooo much to think about. Family, friends, cost.......

 

If we tell my boyfriend's mom, she'll tell everyone.

I want to send out invitations, or announcement of our marriage, something.

If people hear via word-of-mouth, they'll be angry.

 

It's amazing how family and friends feel betrayed if you don't tell them of such things.

 

I don't know what to do, I feel like crying. Not a sad form of crying, just an overwhelmed-crying. LOL!

 

I can't believe it, it'll be here so soon.

 

When you have a big wedding, all eyes are on you, and I don't like that feeling.

I've never liked being watched. It's uncomfortable for me.

 

Oh well, maybe that's why a wedding should wait.

And I have decided to go to Europe for my honeymoon.

Traveling really isn't a big deal, and even though I'm not fond of the long flights, it'll be worth it in the end.

 

Traveling, well experiencing different places and cultures is wonderful.

It'll be great for us.

A wonderful experience. I'll take so many pictures.

 

I've found that traveling overseas always makes me ambitious, and gives me a new burst of energy.

It makes me feel really good, like I've accomplished something great, LOL!

Weird that it would make me feel that way huh?

 

When we return we'll need a few days to rest, get over jet lag.

 

It'll be great. We both deserve a vacation, and we both deserve each other.

 

Whew!

 

I can't believe how my life has gone. So many things..wonderful things and not so wonderful things. I'm still here......

I have so much more life to live, so many more things to overcome, sometimes you just need to have a good cry, LOL.

 

I mean, thinking about everything is exhausting. Sometimes you just have to slow yourself down. Slowing down is hard.

 

But I'm doing well at taking one thing at a time. My money/saving situation is almost worked out, which is just.

I just can't wait to see the money grow.

 

And I've always wanted to be a pretty wife, gorgeous, someone other men could envy my husband for, I just want to make him so proud.

 

I have a ways to go though. But I want to think I'm beautiful on my wedding day. Despite everything, I want those pictures to be spectacular.

 

I'm a little sleepy. I've had some smirnoff, LOL! I usually just get an abor(sp?) mist, but my best friend was drinking something that comes in bottle like these, and my boyfriend had a few beers, so I figured, why not?

 

I can't believe it!!! I'm going to be married, ahhh!!!!!!!!

 

Bianca called me, I don't know if I should call her back.

She's always a little nice when she's back home, I guess it's because she's desperate for company.

 

I don't know, she can be quite funny at times.

[Gracelove]

You know, I look in the mirror, and I don't think I'm that pretty any more.

But every now in then when I look, I still see beauty there.

I guess that's my inner beauty shining through.

 

It really isn't fair for me to have done this to myself. I mean, I know part of it wasn't my fault, but part of it was.

 

I know everything will be okay again. I'm learning to love myself even when everything isn't perfect. That's a hard thing to learn how to do.

 

I think all of this is working out for the good. I mean, if I wouldn't have reached the state I'm in now, would I have ever appreciated what I had before?

 

The next time I'm able to put on a size 5 pair of jeans...it'll be the happiest moment. I'll really appreciate it.

 

And to be able to look in the mirror and see a happy and beautiful person there.........magical.

 

I don't think I'll ever take those blessings for granted again.

 

I will get my emotions in order. I'll regain understanding of myself and this world I'm living in, and I'll be alright. Better than alright, I'll have peace.

 

I have a little peace right now, although there is always a little sadness mixed in.

In trying to look at the bigger picture, I tend to overwhelm myself with all of the details.

Sometimes I doubt myself, or maybe I just wonder how I'll do it all.

 

I place so much pressure on myself, and sometimes I don't know how to remove it.

 

Oh well, I'm sure I'll learn. I mean I've learned a lot already.

I've been able to take thing on one at a time. First my savings has to be in order, after that I have to decide what to do about training...

..that's be a big decision. My therapist doesn't think it's the best thing right now, and to be quite honest, neither do i.

 

Great, my mom is asking me a million questions right now, I just know she's going to have me get up and do something for her.

 

Anywho, I think training should wait for now. My trainer wants me to restart soon, she doesn't really take "no" for an answer, she likes to pressure. And I'm not supposed to allow myself to be pressured into anything. I'm to make a decision and stick to it, despite what anyone else might want.

 

Anywho, then I have to decide how to pay for therapy. My mother says she won't be able to pay past July.

 

Then I have to decided about a second job. I'll have to discuss that with a therapist as well.

 

On medicine I was always tired, so I don't think that would help.

And then also, if I started medicine again I think my parents would kick me out (my mom anyways).

She hates me on medicine, apparently I morphe into an evil person, LOL!

Well, she didn't say evil, but I turn into an unpleasant person.

 

Yep, I was right, I had to get up and do something for her.

 

I don't know, I am tired. I'm just.......emotional things are draining, absolutely draining.

 

But I think I'm doing a great job. I mean they had me on so much medicine, and now I'm handling things on my own, so I guess I should be proud.

[Gracelove]

Oh, okay, so after training and therapy, and job......I'll have to focus on weight, and then apartment, and then furniture. After that I'll have to worry about hotel reservations in Vegas, wedding certificate, dress, makeup, who's coming..boyfriend's parents also? Then when to send out annoncements letting people know we're married. Then I'll have to send out an invitation to the reception party, whew! Then honeymoon, oh and the rings.

 

Saving is the most important thing for me though, right now.

It's took 2 weeks to receive the checks I ordered from my bank, and I ordered them express which meant I was to receive them in two days.

 

Anywho, I have to set up my saving program because money is so important.

Working a second job will be absolutely pointless if I spend the money. I can't spend that money, I've got to save it.

 

Whew!

 

Just a little bit at a time. Money is the first priority, saving it and paying off bills.

 

I keep telling myself that I have a grand opportunity. I'm living at home, my boyfriend isn't here, so really I could work as much as I want.

 

I don't really want to see my boyfriend again,not until it's time for him to come here and live permanently.

But he insists on it.

Which is slightly frustrating.

 

It's too hard to say goodbye, why put ourselves through that again?

 

Also, I'll have to wait until he leaves before getting a job. With two jobs, I won't be able to see him if he visits me. I'll be at work all the time, and when I'm not at work, I'll be sleeping. Doesn't he get this?

He doesn't care I think. He doesn't want me to have a second job anyways.

 

I want a second job, but it doesn't seem as if it'll help me. Oh I know, I could work only on the weekends maybe.

 

I just don't know. My boyfriend is so great you know, he's protective. He likes being around me, and I love being around him. We are alike in many ways.

I know when we're married, chance are I won't be able to have a second job.

I don't think he'll like it.

I guess there's really no point to having one. I just want more money to save, while I can.

[Gracelove]

But I guess my emotional well-being is more important.

 

But I used to be able to do everything, everything. I could do any and everything I wanted, I put my mind to. Now I find that it takes an extremem amount of effort to accomplish much less.

 

I think I'll look anyways. I don't know, sometimes I feel that if I were smaller again, certain things wouldn't take such a toll.

 

Hey you know what?! I just realized what bothers me! My trainer, she's too intrusive.

She wants to know about my life, my issues, my everything. She doesn't just train me. That bothers me. I didn't realize it before.

 

She said that not showing up to a session was like a friend standing her up.

They are totally different. She's receiving payment either way. If I don't show up, it doesn't matter, I have paid for the time, that session.

 

I don't feel comfortable around her.

I thought being around a woman would be more comfortable for me, but I don't feel comfortable with intrusiveness. She doesn't need to know anything about me other than the fact that I'm paying her to teach me how to exercise.

 

I don't know. I still have issues with trust. I only feel comfortable sharing with my closest friends. that's it, and that's all.

 

I just need to work on my safety issues. I need to work on those.

 

I don't know, when you slow down sometimes everything just seems to fall on you, catch up with you.

 

I don't know, maybe my second job can be somewhere close to home.

 

Sometimes I don't know what I'll do. How to handle everything. Am I over the trauma?

[Gracelove]

I've improved so much, but now other things are out of whack. When will everything just be okay again. When can I breathe, when can I relax?

And now to be a wife? I certainly can't become a mother, no time soon.

 

I won't be a mother for hopefully, another 10 years or so. But motherhood is so much on it's own. How can you raise another human being? And then they'll have their growing pains, fear, heartache....who can you comfort them? Help them.....you can't when you're dealing with your own, right?

 

Growing is so painful, how do you alleviate that pain for a child?

 

I don't know.

 

P.S. Sorry, I haven't spell checked.

Thanks for listening.

~Grace

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I'm nervous of what life has to offer. I can never afford to curl up in a little ball for long.

 

A nice hot bubble bath would be nice right about now. But the one upstairs, the plug is broken. I usually take a bath in my parents bath tub, but it's late.

And besides, they'll wonder what I'm doing in there, if I'm feeling depressed, etc. etc. Which means they'd worry and may not sleep.

I'm sleepy, I wish I had cable in my room. I could sleep downstairs...........I'm not sure if I want to do that though.

 

My kitten probably needs her medicine right about now. I think I'll get it for her.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh, I guess I'll be sleeping downstairs tonight. The movie, "The edge" is on.

I haven't seen that movie in years!!! It was so good.

 

How exciting, there aren't always good movies on television of course. I think I'll need a bigger blanket.

 

When I get my own place, I'm going to have tons of blankets! I love blankets!

 

Okay, I've got a big blanket now, yeh!!!

 

I can't wait to be married. I've been thinking about it and it'll be great.

If I just think about getting married without all of the hassle surrounding it, it's actually very exciting!!!

 

I think I'll plan the party for June, or maybe July. By then we should be settled in.

We will have had our honeymoon, we'll be working, settled in our jobs.

 

I'm just wondering about school. I've got to find a way to go to school for free.

I think I should look at working a second job as a necessity really. If I look at it that way there really won't be an issue will there?

 

I mean, later..........later what will I be able to do?

 

What a minute! they cut out a huge portion of this movie!!! They didn't even show that man getting eaten by the bear.

I don't know, this movie seems a little different than I remember it being.

 

Shall I get married in December or January? My parents got married in December.

 

I wanted to get married in January, but my boyfriend wants December.

December is fine with me, we can spend the Christmas month as a married couple.

How exciting!!! All around the fire place. I hope my parents won't go to my Aunt's house for Christmas.

I hope they stay here, then we can have Christmas like we used to.

 

My aunt used to always bring her dogs and it would terrorize my cat. I thought that was so rude because she would insist on having them in the house.

I just wanted us to have one last happy Christmas together (with the Aunt and her dogs).

 

My parents were gone, we didn't even have a Christmas tree this past year, it sucked.

 

I think my boyfriend will love our church, everyone is so nice. But since we're older, and adults, we'll have to join ourselves.

This means we'll have to take the classes that are offered, a requirement for joining as an adult.

 

I'm sleepy, maybe I should just rest now.

 

Thanks for listening!!!

With love always,

Grace

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I've decided to get a second job. I'll work on the weight thing and the job at the same time (kill two birds with one stone, as they say).

 

I think that will make things much better for me. Two jobs will serve as a distraction to the fact that I am actually losing weight! That's mean I won't have time to pay attention to those weird feelings I have about being small.

 

I think it's perfect. I'll make more money and lose weight at the same time.

 

Also I'll just tell them that I will be absent a week in July (that week my boyfriend comes up), I'll just tell them in advance.

 

I think that will work.

 

My kitten will have fully recovered from her surgery by then, hopefully. And my money will be in order. I'm so syked!

 

And what about therapy? I wonder if she gives sessions on the weekends, but I doubt it. I guess I won't work on the day I have Therapy sessions.

 

That should work! I'm so excited!

 

I mean it's summer. Summer is always a happy carefree time. Being around people is nice, so working with people will be great.

 

And being in the presense of a lot of people will definitely encourage me to continue to lose weight.

 

And maybe I will hang out with Bianca sometimes, she's kind of funny, and I won't be around her long enough for her to damage me, so this could be good.

 

Whew! I'm so excited right now! I mean, this will be great! I can have people my own age to talk to. I can make new friends, have someone to chat with.

 

At my current job I sit at a computer all day, literally. That is aside from lunch break, or if I need more paper for the printer, or if I need more post-it notes.

 

And the only people I ever have time to chat with are my boss and the girl in my office. I appreciate that, but both of them are much older than me.

 

Anywho, I'm going to focus on my goal and get there, just like the old days. I'm going to remind myself daily, of what I want, and what I'm going to do to get it. This is going to be so exciting!!!!

 

I feel good! Afterall, no pressure right? The only pressure that should be there is pressure I put on myself. So there will be no pressure. I'm going to get my finances in order and this is going to be great.

 

Work and sleep, work and sleep, that's not so bad. Whew! by the time December gets here.......it'll be so great! I'll have money in the bank, Ooooooo, and then I'll go furniture shopping!!!!

 

Oh my gosh, this is great! See, things aren't so scary.

 

I've just got to say, this is going to be great!!! Ahhh!!! And then off to Europe. Although, the Europe trip will have to wait until a couple of months after we are married, because that's when the trip starts.

 

Ahhh!!! I feel soooooooo good this morning! It's amazing. Oh, I need to write all of this down.

 

Okay, I'm off to get some paper.

 

Thanks for listening!!!

~Grace

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I'm sick and tired of my mother. She makes my life a living hell. She always botherse me and says hurtful things.

 

How many times can I say I can only take so much. It's not fair. I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water. It's just not fair.

 

I feel vunerable and like I'm being attacked and there's nothing I can do about it.

They always tear me down, and then want to build me back up again, it's not fair.

It's not at all fair.

 

And then she asks if being away from her would help, and what about getting my own place.

 

I tell her that I can't afford a place in this area.

And she said maybe, they (my parents) can help.

 

Help how? Two days they gave me a bill for $778. I mean, what are they trying to do? Have me living in the streets? Living in a room in a house with a million other people.

 

This isn't fair when I'm trying so hard just to make it.

 

And then she has to say, "in her mind it's been 3 years". Three years that I've allowed myself to be influenced by my abuser and rapist. That's so not fair.

 

She just doesn't get it.

 

It's not my fault I was raped. I got out of that abusive relationship, I couldn't control the fact that I was stalked.

I'm doing all that I know how to do and she insists on blaming me!

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

So I'm binge eating once again. Big surprise.

 

I can't take this crap. I hate it because I become reallllly angry, and then a suicidal mess.

 

That the basis of just about everything I do...keeping myself from becoming suicidal.

 

And sometimes it seems, that despite my best efforts, I can't avoid it.

And it's all because of stupid people and the stupid insensitive things they do and say...like, for instance, MY MOTHER!

 

She just knows exactly how to do it.

 

I can't take all of this much longer, I just can't. Everyone has a limit.

 

And I keep pushing mine, I just want to be left alone.

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I'm sad. I feel like my mother blames me for everything.

 

I try, doesn't that count for something? She talks about not seeing improvement, but I have no idea what she is talking about.

 

I've actually researched the best way to get the most interest on money I'm saving.

 

I mean, I never saved money before. I have goals......

 

It just doesn't help me.

I'm not on medicine, isn't that an improvement?

 

I think I've improved a lot, in fact, I know I have.

 

It's just not fair to harp on me when I'm trying to survive and am trying to build my esteem again.

 

I'm so angry, it's not even funny.

I'm very, very angry.

And when I get very, very angry I turn it all inward and die a little more inside.

 

It's not fair.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I'm tired. I'm hoping that laying down will make me feel better.

 

I just want my parents to leave me alone. I'm tired of suffering, trying to make things better just to end up in the same place all over again.

 

I want another job.

I don't really want to start all over. Go through probation period before I get my benefits, but it may be worth it in the end.

 

I've updated my resume, so I guess I should look for full-time jobs as well as a second part-time job.

 

I don't know, I just need something to distract me right now.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I am so irritated today, and angry.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh, I am on the verge of tears.

 

I just finished watching/listening to another online "dateline" story.

 

Of course I try to steer clear of anything having to do with rape / sexual assult, I unknowingly run into a few reports that deal with that .

 

And...........I think I've been blind in a sense.

 

I've been so caught up in what has happened to me. I've been afraid in many ways to just tackle it head on.

 

Even though I see great improvement I see that I'm still running from it.

And I have allowed this thing to derail my life.

 

I've been thinking of only protecting myself, keeping myself in this little bubble.

 

Avoiding anything that may hurt me or make me cry, but I can't live life that way.

 

It's going to hurt. It's going to be painful, I'm going to cry.

 

There is just something so much bigger going on.

 

And ya my rapist and his accomplice are guilty of letting themselves be used to commit evil........but they are not monsters.

 

As a christian I believe in an evil force. I mean, you can't look around this world today and not see it.

 

Just........I'm seeing, have seen, soooooooo many lives just ripped apart.

So many people being victimized, it's every where.

 

It's unavoidable. And what I think matters, is loving each other through it.

 

I don't know what to do on so many levels. My life has been turned upside down.

I see so many people my age having beautiful lives all around me.....success, and it hurts me so badly.

 

And I'm trying to piece things together.

 

I have a loving family, but they are tired of this, tired of me and my problems.

And I can't blame them.

 

I mean, who can I really blame?

 

I can blame that evil. And I can fight against it. And I can love and help so many others who have been victimized and abused.

 

But I've been such a coward, such a coward these last few months.

 

I've called myself "strong" for hiding my true feelings and the pain inside. Betraying myself to please others. And in that sense I'm a liar.

 

And I've tried to protect those around me from my grief, and in doing that I've been a great disservice to myself.

 

I don't know what's ahead, and I'm not quite sure of how I'll learn to live this new life.

 

But I think, that I should at least try to live a beautiful and happy life.

I think I should try.

 

If I don't try I'll be doing a disservice to myself, others, and God.

 

I need to be honest with myself.

 

Although I pretend.......I don't feel strong. I feel weak.

I've tried to find strength in blaming others, but that's getting me nowhere.

 

I've got to devote time to my future. And not devote so much time to "preserving" myself.

 

If I continue to do what I'm doing, my whole life will be robbed from me.

 

It's so stupid to let that happen.

 

And I don't know who or what I'll lose during this grieving process...but I do know that God won't abandon me just because I'm hurting inside. And that has got to matter more than anything if I'm going to survive this.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

It's been a rough day.

 

I....I spoke to a lady from church who was sexually abused as a child. She was, at one point trying to get a group of women together who had been sexually assulted or abused.

 

Okay, I have to say this.....my cursor was moving all around my computer screen and I wasn't moving it.

That happens at work at when someone is on my computer. It's creepy. But at work they always identify who they are.

 

Anywho, I'll log back in later.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Today work was like a watching a trainwreck.

The company I work for is in worse shape than I could have imagined.

 

I went to this workshop.......chaotic and disorganized are the best way to describe it.

I ended up taking soooo many notes. Notes on what exactly the presenters and managers were doing incorrectly. And why they are ineffective in turning things in the around in the company, partly anyways.

The lack of communication is astounding...it's just a mess.

 

I had sooooooo many suggestions and observations I wanted to discuss with one of the managers (my boss's boss), but I'm not trying to get fired either.

 

So, I think I'll abandon ship, at least that's how I feel today.

 

Anywho, on a much brighter note.......

 

I'm so happy about a few things right now. Well, my savings is in order, so I'm thrilled about that!!!

 

I've paid my bills for the month, Whew!

 

And that's that.

 

So I'm still trying to figure out this job situation, the second job. Where it will be, how close to home, if I'll be able to handle it or not.

 

And then there is the therapy, my mom isn't paying for it anymore, and I obviously need it.

Can I really afford therapy?

Can I afford to go without therapy, and have two jobs? Can I manage it without medicine?

 

I'm thinking of just telling myself that it's a necessity, if I take that approach I'll be able to handle it.

 

So ya, the main thing is.........if I work two jobs, I can't have any more stressors. I mean, absolutely none. I'll be under enough stress.

 

So, I have to figure out how I'm going to do it. I'm going to be sleeping a lot so I won't have much time to talk to my boyfriend...........

 

So, I don't know. I don't know if I can really participate in therapy if I'm doing all of that. Therapy takes a lot out of you, because you have to face the past, and learn how to manage the present, while planning for your future.....it's so much.

 

I think I'll just try to do my best. I mean, at worst, I'll fail, and that's not too bad, because it just means I'll have to start over.

 

So ya, right now I'll just be happy in the small accomplishments.

 

Off I go to finish updating my resume.

 

Thanks for listening!!!

 

~Grace

 

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I'm soooooooooo tired, well sleepy.

 

I was talking to a lady from church the other day and she's so nice.

 

I don't know, maybe I've been in denial, but I've never wanted to consider myself a person who is struggling with mental illness.

 

Does that mean that rape literally drove me crazy?

 

I don't feel crazy, no one has called me crazy, my behavior isn't irrational.

 

But when I think of mental illness, I think of crazy, violent people.

 

Is it fair that depression is catergorized as mental illness?

 

But then I'm not a psychology major, so I guess there is no way I'd know.

 

Anywho, aside from being sleepy today is a pretty good day.

 

I realized that I am depressed. I hate saying that, but it's kind of true.

I've been diagnosed as having depression, but I feel better now than I have in the past, right after the rape.

 

So I guess I go around pretending that I don't have it....but today...when I was driving to work I realized that so many things are depressing. So I guess that means it's really my view of the world that makes things seem depressing, not really the world itself.

Although that's hard to believe considering all of the violence and troubling global issues.

 

Everything seems kind of scary and hopeless.

I really don't want to take medicine again, because it'll make me feel like a failure.

 

Although my mother frustrates me, and I become angry with her at times, I still have a desire to please her.

 

But the lady (from chruch) was telling me that you can't worry about pleasing others, your own survival is more important.

And she takes depression medication everyday, I would have never known that. She's always so bright and cheery, and happy.

 

Anywho, my lunch break is almost over.

 

Thanks for listening!

 

~Grace

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I'm so afraid of having a mental breakdown, I don't know what to do.

 

I have so many pressures. I don't know if it's just me applying the pressure to myself, or outside things.

 

I wish my parents could help me more, but I don't think they can.

 

I know I'm 23, and it would be great if I could handle everything on my own, but I can't.

 

And when my parents try to be helpful, they are mostly hurtful instead.

 

I just don't know what to do. Therapy may not be an option much longer.

I can't afford $130 sessions on a weekly basis. Not with all the expenses I see in the near future.

 

I'm more depressed lately, I don't want to take medicine because I don't want to turn into an un-feeling person.

 

I feel so trapped.

 

Well, I've got to get back to work now.

 

Thanks for listening!!!

 

Grace

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@