:)

[Gracelove]

What a day!!!!

 

It's nice to be busy, I must admit. However work is piling up by the minute.

 

I'm the only person in this department right now, which is kind of crazy considering that without this department the company wouldn't be able to function.

 

But it's okay, I'm surviving. I'm still not eating bread, and I still feel really good.

 

I'm going to lunch soon, there isn't much else to do on break right now.

 

I would love to save money though. Oh well. Being away from my baby is so hard. I love him so much. I'm hurting inside without him, but I know we'll be together soon enough.

 

I can't wait for my checks to arrive in the mail tomorrow so my can start leaving my account and going into savings.

 

I need to save money. I need to be close to my man.

 

Anywho, I'm off.

 

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[Gracelove]

Hey Guys!!!

 

It's me again, I'm struggling this morning.

Struggling with my imperfections once again.

 

My mom got rid of all of the scales in the house, which hurts.

I'm still obsessive about the food and weight thing, it's the one thing I can control.

 

I didn't go to the gym yesterday, I freaked out. I need to lose the weight, but I'm afraid.

I can't seem to change my thinking.

Small = rape in my mind and I just can't get it to change.

 

I feel like such a failure. I've always been able to control weight and food and I can't even control that anymore.

 

I am tired, so tired. And I'm sick of this rape thing.

And I'm afraid, I don't want anymore hard times, but that's what I see ahead.

 

I just got the school thing off of my back, things are supposed to be good now, okay.

Losing weight and dealing with this trauma is going to be soooooooooo hard.

 

And I just can't this anymore. I'm so tired. I've been through so much, I want to have good times now. I just can't take this anymore.

 

I want to be through, through with suicide, mood swings, crazy thoughts, phobias, pain, all of it. I want out! Can't somebody help me?

 

I feel like it's just sitting there waiting for me. More hardships. I can't deal with this rape anymore, I've had more than enough already.

 

I tell myself that is doesn't affect me anymore, that it's over. That's what I tell myself, and that's what I need to believe, I really need to believe it.

 

Yet I'm reduced to tears. Because I need to lose the weight. I want to be a dancer again, but I just can't let go of it, because I'm terrified.

 

I need the weight to protect me. I need it. But it's hurting me. My body is being destroyed right before my eyes, but I won't do anything to change it.

 

I don't want to be raped again. And I know it's not logical to think that way, but I just can't help it.

 

I can't go through that again, I just can't. I can't do it.

weight protects me. I don't get hit on as much.

And with weight I feel like I'm stronger, more protected, hidden.

 

I just need someone to fix my mind, my brain, to make it work normally again.

 

I hate being emotional. I hate having to fight this thing all of the time.

 

It's been over a year and I'm still fighting to keep my head above water.

 

I just need help. I'm......I don't know what I am anymore.

I don't want to lose the weight. I'm so scared of that. I can manage, it's not that bad.

 

But then I see small, pretty girls, and I think of how nice it would be to be like that again.

 

I really thought I was ready. I really thought I was strong enough. I thought that I could do this.

But I don't know that I can.

 

And when I become afraid and tense, I become angry and moody.

 

Then I lash out at my parents, and they get worried, and when they get worried, they don't leave me alone, and it's just a big, huge crapy mess.

 

I'm on pretty good terms with my parents right now, and I don't want to mess that up.

Before my mom could blame my mood swings on the medicine, but she doesn't have that to blame anymore.

 

This time it'll just be me. Me and all of my tears, pain, and anger. There won't be anything else to blame this on.

 

It's hard fighting something when you don't see an end in sight. You lose courage. It seems never-ending.

 

I think I'm okay, and that things are better, and then it's something else.

 

Without my weight what will I have to protect me? I'll walk around everyday living in fear.

 

Men will look and make passes and approach, they always did when I was thin.

I can't take that. I just can't.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm just not relying on God enough.

 

But the pain and the fear is there, it's still there, and I can't seem to make it go away.

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm so depressed. I'm just so tired of trying, it's useless.

 

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[Gracelove]

And by the way, who keeps giving me a garbage can rating?

How can you rate someone's journal???

 

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[Gracelove]

My cat Amber died today. She was so beautiful, and I'm so sad.

 

I've had her since I was 9, and I'm going to miss her so much.

 

@ -)----(- Amber Amy Ray -)----(- @

 

Aug 1993 - May 2007

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[Gracelove]

We buried my cat outside in the back yard. I miss her so much already.

 

I hadn't seen her for three days. I asked my parents if they'd seen her and they told me, "yes".

 

I asked again today for the third time, and they told me they had seen her. They didn't tell me she was dead.

 

That was my baby, I love her soooo much! I've had her since I was 9 years old. I have so many memories, I used to talk to her all of the time. I remember being 10 and telling her about this boy I had a crush on.

 

It hurts. She was so precious, such a sweet cat. She was sooo pretty, and soft, and furry. She had a beautiful coat.

 

My pretty baby. I love her so much. She was my baby. She meant so much to me, I'm so sad.

Life is so hard.

I miss her. I didn't get to see her.

 

And then she was placed in a box. My dad found her laying down in the front of our house. She was sleeping next to the tree.

 

There is this ledge near the front door that she loves to lay on, and it is shaded by a tree.

It looked like she was sleeping.

 

I pet her, rubbed her fur, looked at her (while she was in the box).

 

It felt so wrong burying her. I know I'll never see her again and that's so hard.

 

But God is good. She passed away while all of us were home.

 

Although I didn't see her for the past few days I was able to see her when I returned from my trip.

 

I love Amber.

 

I just don't know what to do.

 

I don't know what to do with my life. I'm just sad, so very sad.

 

Anywho, we're going to make a beautiful grave for her. We're going to carve her name into cement, like a head stone, and surround it by plants and flowers.

 

She meant so much to me.

 

I keep wondering how long it's going to take my little kitten to realize that she's not here any more.

 

Amber didn't like Aliana, but Aliana loved Amber so very much. She was always so happy to see her.

 

I don't know what to do. After hurting so much, you become fairly numb. Things don't bother you that much. Grieving becomes pointless to a certain extent.

 

This is life, I guess I should just accept it. Maybe I've had it too easy.

I can't be too angry.

What is there to be angry about? This is just the way it is.

 

Things just aren't going to be the same without Amber in the house.

She was a big part of our family.

 

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[Gracelove]

Everytime I go to the kitchen Amber is out on the deck. Either she is out on the deck or in the house, sleeping in the chair in the office.

 

And I just went to the kitchen and she wasn't there. And I know it seems silly, but I am such an Animal lover and I'm so sensitive.

 

I'm really sad. I think I'll be sad for a long time. She was my family. My baby.

For more than half of my life Amber was there.

 

Why is life so hard? Do you ever just wish you were dead?

Then you'd be okay. No more pain, no more sorrow...perfection.

 

Everything would be okay.

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[Gracelove]

Well, I'm still so very sad about losing my cat today.

 

I've never had to deal with the death of someone I've known so very long or have seen on a daily basis.

 

I don't know how I'll deal with it. I already have so much on my plate. But what will I do with the love I still have for her.

I can't tell her that I love her everyday like I used to.

 

I've been holding my kitten a lot more, since I found out about Amber this afternoon.

 

Amber was such a blessing, a tremendous blessing.

She made me smile, she made me happy, she made my day.

 

I was so happy to get Amber. My grandmother had to work on my mother really hard in order for me to get that cat.

 

I was thrilled to get Amber, although she had a bit of a rough childhood.

I used to put barrets in her hair, and dress her up in my baby clothes.

 

The poor thing hated it.

 

She was my little baby. I love her sooo dearly. When I was away at school, I always asked about Amber. Or I would ask to talk to her on the phone. My parents would put me on speaker and I'd talk to her.

 

What am I going to do without my Amber. I know some people may say, "she's just a cat". But I don't care, I'm not ashamed. I loved her.

 

I know she had a beautiful, happy, long life, but I'm still crying.

 

I loved her so much.

 

Sooooooo many memories. Happy memories.

 

The house even feels different now. Life. I want my baby back. I want Amber back.

 

I don't care about anything anymore. If I feel a certain way, I'll just feel that way.

I won't apologize to anyone, not even myself.

 

Life is so short. I wanted Amber to live forever.

 

It's okay. It'll be okay, I know it will. I'm happy I was able to have her. She was the best cat.

 

You know, I don't want to do therapy, and I don't want to work out....I don't want to do anything.

 

I just want to lay still somewhere. In a small space. Someplace quiet. Somewhere where I can just be...cry if I want to, scream if I want to, sleep if I want to...a place with no mirrors, a place where I'll be safe regardless of what I do.

 

That would be so great. Hopefully that place would have a window and there would be some blanket in case I get cold. And a nice cool breeze as well.

 

Tomorrow I'm going to stay home. My mom and dad got tickets to go somewhere. But I think I'll stay home.

 

I keep thinking that if I'm home alone by myself, I'll keep thinking of Amber. I always go outside and call for her to come in.

 

Everyone in the neighborhood knows about Amber and I. At night I always called for Amber, really loudly too, just to make sure that she could hear me.

 

If it were cold or hot, it didn't matter, I always wanted her inside with me.

But she loves being outside.

 

I just want her back, so badly. I need her. I need my cat. I need Amber.

 

I'll probably cry for the rest of the night, and tomorrow too. But it's okay. Everything will be okay, I know it will.

 

It's okay to cry. I mean, I get upset with myself for crying sometimes, I used to.

 

But it's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

It's not like I cry for no reason. I cry when I'm hurt, when something is hurting me.

 

I'm sleepy, but I don't think I'll be going to sleep anytime soon.

 

All these thoughts keep going through my head. Random thoughts of different times in my life, and Amber.

 

Isn't that weird? Stuff I haven't even thought of before. Now, I'm thinking of it, and where Amber was at the time.

 

It's so interesting how the mind works. I should study the brain. What would that be? Psychology? Or I should say how the mind works.

 

I'm a naturally curious person. I want to know why things happen, how they work.

 

Today I was talking to the girl at work, the one I said I didn't like, well I like her now.

 

We have so much fun talking. And today she brought up two occasions where she was doing something fun, something good...and then something bad happened, and even though the things had absolutely no relation, she forms a connection between them.

 

Like, she went hiking and got the stomach flu later that day. She didn't eat anything while hiking, and the flu was caused by a virus, but now the two are related in her mind.

 

So when she thinks of hiking she thinks of being sick, so hiking isn't appealing to her anymore, even thought she had fun on the hike.

 

Why does the brain work like that?

 

It's so interesting. I mean shouldn't therapy have something behind it? Something more than just talking.

 

With some therapists it has really helped, with others, I wonder if it's just a bunch of talking.

 

Sometimes I just want to walk around and pretend that I don't have a care in the world, ya know, not think of anything.

 

Pretend to be extremely happy, and then maybe it'll just become that way.

 

Anywho, I think that's enough writing for now.

 

Thanks for listening!

 

~Grace

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[Gracelove]

I worked on Amber's grave today.

We went out and purchased some plants and pretty rocks, and a cat statue.

 

It's looking pretty so far. Tomorrow I'll finish planting and pour cement down. That way I can put her name in it.

 

We've got some cement dye, so that way her name can be in color. It's going to look so beautiful.

 

While I worked on her grave two of the neighborhood cats came to keep me company.

They are both so cute, they look exactly alike, and live together of course.

 

They watched me while I worked. It was so cute, and it made me feel better.

 

Amber's grave is going to be so beautiful. I can go right outside in the back yard and look at it whenever I'd like. I'm also going to be tending to the plants of course, it's like a beautiful little garden.

 

I really miss her so very much. But it'll be okay. Working on her grave made me feel a lot better. Even though I know her spirit has gone on......

 

I want my parents to get another little kitten that looks like Amber. A beautiful orange tabby. Maybe it'll make us less sad, or me imparticular.

 

But they don't want any more cats for a while, at least me dad doesn't.

My dad and Amber became the best of friends while I was away at college.

 

I'm just so very sad. It's hard to deal with, harder than I thought.

 

I mean, I always knew that when she passed one day I would cry, but I didn't think about it too much. Now that it has happened, it really hurts.

 

I guess I'll just lay down for now.

 

 

~Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

I went out to work on Amber's grave again this morning.

Talk about a workout.

 

Walking up and down all those stairs carrying rocks among other things, it's challenging.

 

I'm tired. But not just physically tired. I don't want to do much of anything, think much of anything. I just want a mundane (sp?) life for the moment.

 

I just want to work, and save money. I don't want to do anything else.

 

I don't want therapy, I don't want the personal trainer.

I don't want to do anything hard or challenging right now.

I still want a little time where I don't have to think of anything, worry about anything, talk of anything past.

 

I just want to be.

 

I feel like crying.

 

There are so many things I don't care about anymore. I don't care about my weight right now. I'll probably exercise today, just exercise.

 

And then too I haven't been eating a lot like before. I just need..to not think about things anymore, I really don't want to.

 

I was out at Amber's grave and it's so pretty. It's so nice being outside. The cool air, and the breeze. It makes me feel good being next to her grave.

 

I feel kind of bad ya know. Sad. Really, really sad. I didn't want to feel this way anymore.

 

I think I'll get on the tredmill now.

 

You know, I'm just so tired of living. Feeling. I just want to go through the motions, not have any thought. I don't want to be mentally present right now. I don't want to experience life right now. I just need to be away from it all right now.

 

Left alone. I'm tired of feeling pain. I'm so tired of it.

 

I don't want to be at home, I don't want to sit at home all day, working really helps me out a lot.

 

I'm still thinking of a second job. I am afraid of how I'll handle a second job though.

I don't want to lose it again. I don't want to not be able to control my emotions. I don't want to go into a deep depression. I don't want that. I hate feeling like that.

 

But this new sorrow on top of everything else, has me feeling like I'm going in that direction again. There was saying goodbye to my boyfriend, which was so hard for me. Now there is Amber's death.

 

But I'm going to make it through, I know I will, I just need a little rest, a little break.

Maybe today my parents can give me a little break.

 

But when they return from church we're supposed to pour the cement part of Amber's grave.

 

I mean I know I have a beautiful life ahead of me. My boyfriend is going to come out and we're going to get married. Then we'll get our own place. Both of our cats will be in the same place.

It'll be so beautiful. We're going to get married, go to Vegas.

I just need a little break between now and then.

I know things will get much better. I just need a break from everything.

 

But I can't get a break if I'm working on Amber's grave later today. I'll be working on my parents time because they have to show me how to mix the cement they have.

 

I'm watching this movie, "Girl Interruped" right now. This movie is so sad. I don't know, it's....really sad, LOL!

A mental institution or psyche ward is no place anyone wants to be.

It's like your life has hit rock bottom.

 

There are a lot of scary people in places like that. Anywho, I think I'm okay, I really do. I'm just a little sad.

 

I think I'll just lay down today. We can always pour cement over Amber's grave tomorrow.

 

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[Gracelove]

I finished watching "Girl Interrupted" it was something alright.

 

Now I'm watching, "Marie Antionette". I thought it would be a reallly bad movie, but so far it isn't too bad.

 

I'm trying to figure out what fun thing I can do today.

 

Oh my gosh! I can't wait to go to Europe again. In this movie they are at the part when she arrives at....okay bear with me I can't spell French...the Valli versi, that huge castle. It's sooooo beautiful there! When I was on the tour there were talking about a certain queen who lived there, maybe it was Marie.

 

Of course that was so long ago I don't remember who they were talking about.

 

Oh, and what pretty clothes she is wearing right now, it's her wedding dress!

 

I can't wait to get married. I'm opting out of a traditional wedding, I'm going to elope and have a reception instead.

 

The only thing is that it would probably be best to marry here in California. That way I could invite a few people, just family and close friends.

 

It's all so very complicated, you don't want anyone to feel hurt or left out.

Even though I no longer want a big wedding, I do it to be really special.

 

I don't know, the last time I was in Vegas I must have been 11 years old. But Vegas is supposed to be a fun magical place isn't it?

 

And what about our honeymoon? Should we take it the following year? After the small ceremony, or after the second reception/party, the one we're having for everyone.

 

Our honeymoon will have to be later come to think of it. Because the trip overseas is in May, well March I mean.

 

I don't know, I'm excited about becoming a wife. Being married, being able to see the love of my life everyday. It'll be so wonderful.

 

I want to go down the hill to get a red bull so that I can walk while I watch this movie. Actually this movie is kind of funny.

 

I love the imagery in the movie! The pictures, the shots, they are beautiful!

 

And her husband is so weird in this movie.

 

Maybe I don't need a red bull, but it certainly would make me feel better.

 

I'm wearing the same thing I was wearing yesterday when i went down there for the potting soil.

 

Part of me doesn't care, but then part of me, at least wants to look different.

 

I feel so down about being sad, I feel like I'm a disappointment to others. They worry it affects their mood, and I wish it didn't. It makes me feel as if I'm responsible for the happiness of others.

 

LOL! In this movie her husband is like a pansy. "Woo-hoo! Are those your feet?! They are like ice-scicles!" He won't sleep with her either, poor thing.

 

Can you imagine being married to someone who won't sleep with you? It has to be so horrible.

 

It's a beautiful day today. Sometimes when you're feeling bad you've just got to do your best to pick yourself up. And that's what I'm doing.

Hurt and pain......well, what can you say about them.

I'm feeling much better now. I've just got to work harder to make myself feel better.

It's such a beautiful day so it's hard to feel down for long. God is good to me.

And he helps me through the painful times. I'm grateful for that.

 

And I know I'll cry again today, it's okay, crying is a normal part of grieving I can deal with it.

 

Well, I think I will go down the hill for that red bull.

 

Thanks for listening, as always,

 

~Grace

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[Gracelove]

I'm not feeling too well.

My mom says I should talk to my dad because I snapped at him and hurt his feelings.

 

Quite frankly I'm upset, I don't think I should have to explain myself, they already know what I have, my conditions and they aren't understanding at all.

 

They are so insensitive towards me, it's unfair.

 

They act like everything is my fault when I'm trying my best. I have no where to go and they don't want me here.

 

My mom said that in September I will have been here for a year, and that that's a long time.

 

Anyways, they always say and do hurtful things. It's not my fault I'm not well right now, but they are always so quick to blame me.

 

Because they don't think I try hard enough, but they have no idea what I go through everyday, and how hard I already try.

And when they do and say things like that it's just so depressing.

 

I mean I have to work so hard for everything. My mom say it's obvious I'm unhappy and that a year is a long time to be ill, but it's not my fault.

 

This thing was done to me and I'm doing my best to cope with the aftermath.

 

I had graduation, that was so hard on me. Then I get back and Amber dies, it just keeps building.

I'm tired of being blamed for it. If I they were betrayed by a friend and raped, would they be happy? I doubt it.

 

I'm not happy, is that a crime? At least I'm trying to be a better person.

 

My family doesn't even like me anymore. They don't want me in their home because I'm sad. How do they think that makes me feel? Not loved or cared for.

 

It makes me feel even worse about myself. They are constantly pointing out that they feel I'm a wreck. What do they think that does? Help? It's not fair!

 

And my mom reffered to me as "ill". That makes me feel even more like damaged goods because nobody referred to me that way before the rape. And she has made comments like, "I had a perfect daughter and now I'm left with this (and she went on to use unpleasant adjectives to describe me). That's so hurtful.

 

I just feel so useless. Like I'm not a good person, like I don't deserve anything. I feel rejected. They just really hurt my feelings a lot.

 

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[Gracelove]

Venting................

 

So I call my trainer right, because I have this new wonderful idea.

I just want to focus on exercise, not food, because that would be best for me now (considering my history with food and weight obsession).

 

Anyways she keeps going on and on and on, this is even before I tell her about my idea.

 

Anywho, she seems nice but she really likes to pry into my personal life. Like, "I need to know the whole story behind this" and that, and the other.

 

I told her long ago that I was assulted. Just because to everyone I know, I'm apparently a different person afterwards.

 

So I tell her, just so she won't be thrown off by certain reactions I may have to things.

 

I don't know, I just didn't like it. She kept asking all of these questions wanting to know all about my history with food.

 

First of all, I'm like, "I don't know you!". I don't mind sharing certain things with her, but I'm not going to tell her my whole life story, she's not a therapist, she doesn't get paid for that.

 

And then she wants to give me a pep-talk about overcoming adversity, etc.etc. I'm thinking, "Are you serious?!".

I've overcome so much during my life time, I don't need a pep-talk from her about it.

 

And I hate that, people think that they can just give you a 5min. talk and change your life.

 

I don't know, the whole thing really upset me.

 

I'm like, "You're getting paid. I'm the customer, if I tell you that this is what I want to do, then this is what I'm doing."

 

I'm just exhausted, worn, tired of people telling me that I'm not trying hard enough (these people being my parents and my trainer).

 

It just makes me so very angry. I tried so hard, very hard, and I'm tired of them judging me.

 

I'm tired of it.

 

Because none of them have gone through what I've been through, so how dare they tell me that I'm not doing what needs to be done.

 

They have absolutely no clue of what needs to be done!!!

 

Sometimes the people your around while going through things like this, are the worst.

They call themselves trying to help, but they do so much damage in the process.

 

It's quite unfair really.

 

I'm just upset and I don't know what to do about it.

 

I feel ganged up on.

 

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[Gracelove]

Today I'll say that I am good. At least right now I am.

 

I feel so happy to be able to say this, during times when I do feel confident and secure (in these days it's few and far between).

 

I feel comfortable. Right now, I feel that everything is for a reason. I think that gaining this weight has served its purpose.

 

I'm having to learn to love me, to see that there is someone special there, beyond my looks.

 

I've been able to do this for other people, but never myself.

It's a hard lesson to learn, but I feel I am finally grasping it.

 

I can look at me, in the mirror right now, and not be ashamed of who I am.

 

I don't know how long I'll feel this way, but it's how I feel now..........

 

I will make it through this. I know I will. As they say, "this too shall pass". And I believe this now.

 

I just need to find happiness, my own true happiness.

 

Food has lost it's taste. Nothing I eat seems to be satisfying, and that in itself is a blessing.

 

Sometimes I just have no clue of what to do with myself. Absolutely no clue..........

 

But I'm feeling good right now, so that's all I really care about.

 

My emotions are up and down a lot, all over the place.....

 

I have therapy tomorrow, and gym tonight...so I guess I should be glad about that.

 

I don't know if I'll work on Amber's grave today. I just might, it'll give me something to do.

 

I'll probably go check on her flowers every evening, see if they need watering.

 

Today I'll pour the cement and plant what's left of the plants.

 

I heard someone say, "if you can't change the inside, you change the outside.....". But I'll keep working on the inside, I think that will change my outside.

 

Bianca called today, no big surprise. She was actually in my dream last night, towards the end, we were shopping.

 

We'll always be apart of each others lives.

Although I get sooooo annoyed with her lying, back-stabbing, and everything else.

 

That's why we always stop talking, because so much of her is just........really not good.

 

I don't know, on so many levels she is someone I absolutely don't want to know at all.

But she's kind of like a sister. You don't always like them, but ultimately care for and love them.

 

I don't know, sometimes she really disgusts me. I mean, should I be talking to her at all?

 

She's not a nice person, to anyone at all. She has never had a true friend, not once. Either she's trying to rip them apart, or they are trying to rip her apart, and then they have their "truce" moments.

 

But that's how her family is. I know that every family is dsyfunctional to a certain extent, but her family...............

 

It's crazy, I've never heard so much yelling and screaming back and forth. It's crazy. It makes me wonder how they manage to love each other, there seems to be soooo much bitterness between them.

 

Anyways, I don't know. I know the type of person she is, so that must mean that something is wrong with me to hang out around her.

 

After I've stopped talking to her, she always calls me and makes an extra effort to sound nice and pleasant.

 

I wonder if she's evil?

 

Anywho, no doubt she has done many evil things. But is it possible that she is mostly good?

 

I make an extra effort to protect myself these days, from anything bad.

I have to.

I have to protect me, because no one else will do it.

 

I don't know, sometimes I think that everything is just too much. Like there is too much going on, and I'm doing my best to manage it all...but sometimes I feel as if I'm failing.

 

I still call my friends quite regularly, although I haven't returned a few calls from my best friend.

 

My parents think I isolate myself, sometimes I wonder if that's true.

 

But I've never had to worry about protecting myself before.

 

I've always been carefree. That changed a little bit when the stalking started, but I was still way more carefree than I am now.

 

I can't help it, but I guess that's what therapy is for.

 

Well my boyfriend is on the phone, so I've got to go now.

 

Thanks for listening!!!

 

~Grace

 

 

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[Gracelove]

Okay, I'm not meeting with my trainer today, she double-booked someone so the position was already filled.

 

How do I feel about that? Glad.

 

After talking with my best friend I realized that I am spreading myself thin.

 

You know, I always think I'm over-reacting. So hearing someone else tell me that I'm not, really puts things into perceptive.

 

My new therapist advised me that having a personal trainer right now wasn't a good idea, but I had already paid.

 

I'm ................

 

I really enjoyed talking to my best friend. We always have so much fun talking on the phone.

 

We don't talk on the phone often, we just e-mail back and forth.

 

Or usually I'll call her and leave her a voicemail on my way to work, and she'll respond via e-mail (due to minutes).

 

Then I'll e-mail her while at work.

 

Anyway, I thought of something my dean told me. It made me realize that no one is putting pressure on me but me.

 

There is a certain amount of pressure I'll have to deal with, but I keep adding to it.

 

Who's idea was it to get a personal trainer? It was mine.

I'm not ready for that. It's too much.

 

I have to compartmentalize things. But now food and weight obsession (which I've had all of my life) is now tied into rape.

 

It was such a big thing already, the weight obsession. Now it's tied into another big thing and I'm so scared.

 

The only thing I can think of is pushing things to the other extreme, not eating.

 

But when I wasn't eating food before, I had weird thinking. I almost hated myself as well.

 

I don't want to be like that again. I had self-hatred and depriving myself of food....I don't know, it made me feel better.

 

I don't want to be weird like that anymore.

 

I was always able to control things weight-things before the rape, but now it's scary.

 

I feel like I can't be fat but then I can't be thin either. So I think it's best that I focus on something else.

 

Alcohol would be the easiest thing to focus on. Instead of eating I would drink a little. But I don't want to become an alcoholic. I really want to be a healthy person inside and out.

 

I think I can do it. But when I wasn't eating I was crazy obsessed with it. If my parents tried to make me eat things I would become very angry.

I didn't like who I was then.

 

I'm trying to find a balance between the two.

 

How am I suppose to deal with everything. With a personal trainer they tell you what to eat and when to work out.

 

I feel a little controlled. And since food and weight has always (until recently) been something that I've been able to control. Someone else controlling that part of my life makes me feel defensive, attacked.

 

My best friend thinks I might have a breakdown soon if I don't slow down.

 

Oh, did I tell you my kitten peed on my bed again! She sure did.

But I love her so much, and I'm so grateful to have her right now.

 

I went out to Amber's grave again today. The flowers are holding up pretty well but I think I'll have to water them this afternoon.

 

My friend was telling me about when her rabbit died. She thinks that maybe I haven't laid the cement down yet, because it finalizes things.

 

I don't want to say goodbye to Amber yet.

 

I know she's gone, but it's still hard.

 

And my hair is a mess. I have to figure out what to do with it before tomorrow. I don't have the strength to straighten it right now.

 

Maybe I'll just wear a wig tomorrow, if I can find one that is.

 

I try so hard, every day, but sometimes I just think it's all for nothing.

 

I still can't please my parents, and I'm tired.

 

Sometimes I think if I lived on my own it might be easier.

 

But then other times I think I might be lonely.

 

I think I'll ask for a raise this week, the worst that could happen is my boss say, "no".

 

I think my kitten is about to go poop again, that means I'll have to take her to her room.

 

My boyfriend is on the phone right now.

 

I worrying about how I'll support us when he moves out here.

I have to be able to support us both in case he is unable to get a job right away.

 

 

I'm tired. I'm always tired. Nothing changes that. Now I see why people take drugs.

Not that I ever would, but I can understand it.

 

But drugs destroy your mind. I never wanted to be stupid, lose intelligence.

 

Awww, my boyfriend just described another girl as pretty. LOL!

 

What am I going to do with my life. Sometimes I think so much my head hurts.

[Gracelove]

I think I have celebrity fatigue.

 

My boyfriend gets off of work tomorrow. I'm so happy for him.

 

I ordered some checks through my bank, express. They were supposed to arrive in 2 days, tomorrow it will have been 7 days.

 

I've made calls, still nothing. Tomorrow I'll be calling my bank again.

 

I mean the whole thing has been really unprofessional, I don't feel like going into it all right now.

 

I should be sleeping right now, I want to wake up really early.

 

I haven't been sleeping well the past few nights.

 

I think I need to stop watching television also. But sometimes it's a nice distraction.

 

I think, I don't know.......

 

I wish my boyfriend was able to talk on the phone right now.

I wish he was here right now.

I wish....I wish I had my self-esteem back.

I wish I could have a good night sleep tonight.

I wish I weren't sad.

I wish my cat Amber were still alive.

I wish I had my own place, with my own furniture and privacy.

I wish my close friends lived in my neighborhood so I could see them everyday.

I wish I had a job that required a lot of movement, and paid me enough money to support myself and live comfortably.

I wish I was my old size and comfortable and happy with it.

I wish the rape and everything it brought into my life was a thing of the past.

I wish life was a joy.

I wish I had a beautiful garden, that I could lay in for hours when I came home from work.

I wish, I could be safe from harm, for the rest of my life, and know it deep within.

 

That's what I want.

 

I always felt like I could do anything. I want to feel that way again. I want to feel powerful again, in charge of my own destiny.

 

Anyways, I think I just needed to say that before I went to sleep tonight.

I just needed to say how I feel.

 

 

Goodnight.

 

 

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[Gracelove]

So unfair!

 

My boyfriend called me, he said I sounded down( I don't know why because I made an extra effort to sound cheerful).

 

Anywho, he wants to know what's wrong. I tell him everything is fine.

 

So he keeps pressing, not in an aggressive way, but in his own way, "I'm just wondering what's on your mind, what's the matter".

 

So finally I tell him I'm a little down. And then he's quiet and when I ask him what he is thinking about and how he is feeling, he says that he doesn't feel that great. I ask him why, and he says because I'm feeling down.

 

I hate that. I ask him why does he feel that way, why does he have to feel down just because I'm down.

And he says because when I'm down no one is happy.

 

And I told him that I don't want him to feel down, and that on top of everything else it makes me feel really guilty.

Like I'm responsible for his happiness.

 

Anyways, he asked if he could call me back later. It's not fair, why does everything have to be my fault?

 

I hate that, it's so unfair.

 

I never make my friends feel guilty for being sad. If anything I try to cheer them up.

It's just not right, I'm already trying as hard as I can.

 

Sometimes I don't even care, I think he's just trying to make it all about him.

I mean, that may not be the best thing to say, but that's how I feel.

 

Why pressure me into telling you how I feel, just so you can say, because of me, you're not feeling well, and then get off of the phone?

 

It doesn't make any sense. It makes me feel that he's trying to hurt me on purpose.

 

And then when I told him that I feel guilty when he does that, he didn't even care.

 

What's the point?

 

Sometimes I feel like he's trying to hurt me, although I know that it probably isn't the case.

 

The only other person who did the same thing frequently was my ex, and he was abusive.

 

That's why I don't understand why my current boyfriend is doing it.

 

It's just one more thing added on top of everything else.

 

 

 

 

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[Gracelove]

Went to therapy, it was good but hard. I cried, more than once unfortunately.

I feel tired, like a big wreck. But it'll be okay. I've just got to stay busy. No thinking.

 

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[Gracelove]

I got myself some beautiful flowers today. I think they're cheering me up all ready.

 

You know what? Everyone is so nice to me. People I don't know are striking up conversations with me, it's really nice.

 

The weird thing is that I've felt so down and depressed. I think it's God's way of cheering me up. God works through people you know.

 

I'm proud of myself for staying at work yesterday, it was so hard, but I did it.

 

And then therapy yesterday, I didn't back out and it was a good session.

 

My therapist is so smart. I mean she really picks up on things quickly. Stuff I never even bring up, she seems to know about. It's different, I've never had a therapist like that before. It's like she has a special talent.

 

Anywho, my boss is here now.

I have to go.

 

Have a great day!

 

~Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm on my little break, yeh!!!

 

The lady I work with is Muslim. Yesterday she closed the door to our office and started praying.

 

I don't know I just thought it was rude. A warning would have been nice so that I would have been able to excuse myself. Afterall I don't believe in the same God. Informing me before hand would have only been curteous thing to do.

 

I'm up here watching a dateline story about this man who brutally murdered his wife.

 

It's crazy, and he claims to be a Christian, and on top of that he had two wives.

 

And he just looks so evil. Scary evil, and he's pretending to cry, but he's a realllllly bad actor. No tears what-so-ever. And it's like the way he was speaking, I mean it was just totally bad acting.

 

He dismembered her.

 

They had two children. He buried her in the desert, covered her body with huge stones. What about her children???

 

And she was so beautiful and seemed full of life.

 

He nearly decapitated her, he cut of her fingers, stabbed her in the chest 12 times, removed her jaw...absolutely crazy.

 

And then, of course on the stand he tried to blame things on her.

 

And then he planned everything, lied to her friends, sent them e-mails pretending to be her. He told his friend that she needed to be taken care of. Other friends that he thought she would run away (of course I'm sure she had no idea he was telling people that).

Then after she disappear he told everyone that she fled to Europe with another man.

 

 

And then he talks about Jesus, but he has no remorse. He says he has a ministry in jail, but how can you minister to other people when you are so messed up. I mean, when you're not sorry for what you've done.

 

If he were truly sorry he wouldn't have lied about her on the stand. He wouldn't still be blaming her for her own death.

 

Some people are just plain crazy. But he looks crazy anyways, his eyes, they are evil.

 

Anywho, that's the world we live in. I'm just wondering what in the world is he doing in prison trying to "minister" to other people when he is so demented himself.

 

Anywho, I obviously like dateline, and similar news shows. They are so interesting.

 

I just think it's screwed up for anyone to have to die a violent death.

 

Espicially someone stabbing you? Eww. I mean everything has time to register.

And then someone you know.....who wants to be in such a crazy emotional state when leaving this world?

 

Violence is so difficult to comprehend.

 

I mean, it's everywhere in our society. But then I don't see how people can do it. I mean, shouldn't a conscience (sp?) kick in???

 

How can you look someone in the face and will yourself to hurt them? Something has to be missing.

 

Anywho, my break is over. Thanks for listening!!!

 

~Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm watching the food network, can you believe it?

 

I bet I'll be watching this channel when I'm married.

 

Hey, you know what? I haven't been binge eating anymore.

I'm so happy about that. I'm pretty sure it will last.

 

I've been depressed, but my eating is sort of becoming like it was before.

 

I think it's because school is over with, trainer is over with for now, and I'm in therapy.

 

I'm really so very happy about it all.

 

I don't have to think about weight, thin or fat, anything really.

 

It's just like it has been in the past, I don't think about it and I lose hella weight.

 

I feel good. Food doesn't have control over me any more, I have control over it.

 

I wonder what brought this on......

 

Actually I think it was being really depressed a few days ago.

 

I made a conscious decision that I would rely on my past disorder to help me through this.

I know it was a bad thing, but it has given me strength.

 

Just thinking that way has helped big time!

 

I consume very few calories everyday now, but it's not bad like before.

I don't have bad thoughts and refrain from eating food.

It's different now.

 

So I'm good.

 

My little kitten will be home soon and I can't wait!

 

She was spaded this morning, they kept her all yesterday because she needed to fast before the procedure.

 

I've got some kitty milk for her and some wet food, and new litter of course.

 

I thought of getting kitty treats but I didn't know if she should eat anything crunchy.

 

Humans don't really feel like eating after procedures, I wonder if she'll feel the same way.

 

I've missed her so much!!! It was hard being without her, espicially since Amber passed so recently.

 

Well, I think I'll check the flowers on Amber's grave now.

 

Thanks for listening!!!

 

~Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

My baby is home!

 

Poor thing, she was so out of it she couldn't even stand up, and she was running and falling.....

 

I'm glad she's okay now, she's more alert, aware of what's going on.

Her collar is too small, she can't reach her food, I had to hand feed her.

 

I'm going to be at work tomorrow though, so that makes it rough.

My dad will be home with her.

 

I've used the baby gate to keep her in a corner, the carrying case is small, she would have no room to stand up and would...

 

...she just fell.

 

Anywho the carrying case would have forced her to lay on her wound, now she can lay on her side.

 

I'm nervous. I want to keep an eye on her all of the time. I doubt that I'll get much sleep.

 

I don't know, I'm glad she's home, but I want to make sure she's okay. She goes back in two weeks to get the stiches removed.

 

We never had to worry about that with Amber, she was so fiesty that they gave her self-dissolving stiches, LOL!

 

I guess it pays to be fiesty sometimes.

 

I really need to be sleeping right now, thank goodness I have a red bull in the refrigerator for tomorrow.

 

I'll be so glad when these two weeks pass. I want her to be better aleady.

 

My therapist was right....my mom is only paying for a couple of months worth of therapy.

 

If my therapist wouldn't have warned me I wouldn't have known.

 

I don't think my mom realizes that starting and stopping therapy isn't healthy.

At least none of the therapists think so.

 

And it just makes me not want to open up anymore, because I have to update each one on what has happened and why I'm there.

 

I wish she would have told me in advance.

 

But I guess it doesn't matter, I hadn't planned on her paying, I was going to pay.

 

But I can't really afford therapy. I've got to save for my apartment, etc.

 

Money,money, money.

 

I'm going to ask for a raise, but after I make myself look pretty again.

 

You know, my bra is too small, doesn't that suck?! I don't even want to know what size they are now.

 

Anywho, life is good. I've eliminated certain stressors so I've stopped compulsive eating.

 

I don't want to start therapy knowing the date I'll have to stop, therapy is a long term thing.

 

Maybe I'll just move therapy to every two weeks. Maybe that'll work.

 

My mom is on the phone, I don't know who with, but she sounds very angry.

 

Anywho, I'm going to say goodnight.

 

Real World Las Vegas should be on soon.

 

Thanks for listening!!!

 

Nighty-night!

 

~Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

She did it again!!!

 

She started praying in our office! She always does it, when I'm on the phone or something.

So I never realize that she's doing it right away.

 

And she did it right before she went home, she couldn't wait until she got there?

 

And I was waiting for her to do it again so that I could tell her that I would excuse myself, so that she can have her privacy and I won't have to be in the room.

 

But she always does it when I'm in the midst (sp?) of something. Grrr!

 

I hate that because I don't feel comfortable being around that.

I can be nice to people, I've had friends who were musilum (sp?), it's fine. But I don't feel comfortable being in a room with a person while they are worshiping another God.

 

If I started praying out loud she wouldn't like it either. It's not like she's praying silently, she gets up and bows so, of course, it's obvious to everyone what she is doing.

 

It's just rude.

I mean, don't they have policies against these things ?

 

I mean if I were buddist (sp?) and started chanting at work, she wouldn't like that.

 

I'm going to e-mail her.

 

Okay I've e-mailed her now. I feel better. It was a nice e-mail of course.

 

I should go home, I'm tired and I want to see my kitty-cat.

 

Oh well, back to work.

 

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[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh, I just have to write about this, my heart is so heavy right now.

 

I'm watching/listening to this Dateline program at work.........this one is soooo hard to listen to.

 

There was this girl named Doris who was dating this American guy in a Latin country.

 

She ends up dead, brutally raped and murdered.

 

Usually I steer clear of any stories involving rape, but I didn't know that this story included rape. Of course I was too interested in the story by that time to turn away.

 

Anywho, the guy she was dating was arrested for her murder.

 

And I don't know if he did it or not but.............

 

What struck me was his arrogance, my rapist was soooo arrogant, and the way he talks about her.

 

It's like he thinks he's better than her.

He's quick to point out that he was going places in life and "she was not invited".

And that there was no way he wanted to marry her but she would have married, him if he asked, in a hot second.

 

I mean he isn't even that cute, he doesn't match up to her beauty.

 

The case is so disturbing.

 

I think he belongs in jail, something about him just rubs me the wrong way.

 

The way he talks about her and the way the talks about himself.

 

I guess he just reminds me so much of my rapist.

 

I called my rapist (a few days after the rape, after seeing my counselor) and yelled at him telling him that he was a horrible person. After I vented he started talking, and ended up talking for hours, in that time he admitted to raping me, saying that I told him "no", and he thought about stopping, but it just felt too good (b******!).

 

Anywho, this guy, on this dateline special...if I were to be completely honest...I think he did it.

 

I'm not God, so I wouldn't know, but that's how I feel.

I've seen his type personality before, and it was in my rapist.

 

I just had to get that out, rather than keep it in.

 

Thanks for listening as always.

 

~Grace

 

 

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[Gracelove]

I should be happy.

I kind of am, but I'm a little sad too, but only because of lack of sleep.

 

That's one of my concerns about getting a job. I have to manage everything, emotionally, etc, without medicine.

 

Sleep plays a big part in helping me to manage everything, so lack of sleep isn't good for me emotionally.

 

Anywho, I found an apartment complex down the hill from my house that I like.

 

Every apartment complex that I've looked at so far has been completely horrible, with the exception of one....a gorgeous apartment complex! Everyone I've spoken with has told me that I shouldn't be paying that much for an apartment.

It's so beautiful there! I get what everyone is saying, and I figure that maybe I should listen, espicially since I've found a better priced apartment closer to where I've grown up.

 

The luxurious apartment complex is in another city, and I'm less familiar with the area.

 

I would pay the high price to live there rather than live in the crappy places I've seen.

 

However the place right down the hill was such a delightful surprise, and they charge less than what is being charged at some horrible apartments.

 

But I guess that's the beauty of shopping around.

 

A guy at work who grew up in the same area as I did told me about the apartment complex and said I should check it out, I just now got around to viewing it. He lived there with his wife and said it was nice.

 

And starting off as a married couple should be a breeze, financially. If we live there we'll have plenty of money to save, and we'll be able to go out also .

 

I'm so shocked that the complex is in such good condition. In the area where I live, condos are going up like nobody's business, and there aren't that many apartments.

 

Once you start up the hill there are absolutely no apartments anywhere, only homes. And there are 17miles between the bottom of the hill to the top of the mountain. I call where we live a hill, but it really is a mountain.

 

Anywho, I'm tired. I'm still trying to get everything straighted out with savings. After that I'll feel much better, secure knowing that my money is being saved.

 

They are talking about the rapist who drugs women, and they described him as being very cocky.

I've starting to think that arrogance/cockiness is a characteristic of rapists.

Not that every cocky person is a rapist, but that many rapists are arrogant.