:)

[Gracelove]

I'm still awake!!!

I can't believe tomorrow's the day. Time went by soooo fast.

 

There is this huge spider on the wall and I'm waiting for my dad to come take care of it.

 

He likes spiders, so he'll probably take it outside. If my mother was awake she'd smash it.

And if I was all alone in a small apartment, I'd drown it in Windex (I hate bug guts).

 

I'm sooooooo sleepy, but naturally I won't go to sleep. That's Grace.

 

Oh, I really want to see disturbia. I'm going to see is with my boyfriend.

 

I'm excited about the hotel now!

I don't know, maybe it'll be romantic.

 

I don't know, I'm back and forth so much. I always have to re-evalute things.

 

I'm still waiting................this spider could move any second now.

 

And now my dad is walking into his bedroom. I can hear him, I'm in the opposite direction.

 

My parents don't take me seriously any more. My dad could care less about the spider on the wall. But if I'd kill it he'd care.

But I don't want to kill it, I don't have the strength to chase it all around pressing a squirt button multiple times.

 

It must be realllly late, Senifield is on right now.

 

I don't care anymore. I'm going upstairs to that hot room to go to sleep.

 

And the spider will go on it's merry way, but it better not come up to my room.

 

Here he comes!!! My father to the rescue. He took the spider outside. Thank goodness. LOL! My dad is so cute. The savior of little insects, LOL!!!

 

Oh well, off to bed, and hopefully to sleep.

 

Night-night

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Hey There Guys!!!

 

I went to graduation rehearsal, and guess what?!

It wasn't that bad!!!!

 

That girl or my rapist weren't there! Yeh! And I don't mean to sound mean, but I'm glad that she wasn't there. I don't think she deserves to graduate.

I mean, my graduation was delayed because of what she did to me, so her graduation being delayed is actually kind of comforting to me.

Although I feel kind of bad for being pleased with the whole thing.

 

I'm sooooo glad though because my graduation day can be pleasant.

 

Oh, and the other day, my mom paid me a nice compliment.

She told me that she was really proud of me. And that she thinks I'm so strong and the she doesn't think that she could go through so much and be so strong at my age.

 

That was so sweet. Espicially considering that my mom is Ms. Strength herself.

 

Whew, I took a lot of deep breaths during graduation rehearsal.

 

And of course my name wasn't on the graduation list. But I knew that would happen. I just knew that for some reason that would happen, so I didn't freak out when it happened.

 

They said I wasn't financially cleared. I pulled out the slip showing that I was, but they wanted a yellow copy, LOL.

 

Sooo, I went where I needed to go and got a yellow slip. Of course the lady who issues financial clearance papers wanted to know why I was there since she cleared me over two months ago but....that's how it goes at my school.

 

Anywho, I've got to purchase one more thing for graduation (a dark outfit), my mother's wish of course.

 

Thanks for all of your support guys!!!

 

Love you!

 

~Grace

 

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I'm still up.

 

I'm in the hotel washing some of my boyfriend's clothes.

He's soooo cute! I love him to death. He really just needs his rest right now.

 

Tomorrow is graduation and I can't wait for it to be over. Since I've been here, the days have been so long. I just want to rest and relax with the man I love.

 

Tomorrow is Sunday, and then there is Monday of course. Monday my boyfriend goes to work and we'll have even less time together.

 

I really want him to move into another apartment. I hate his apartment.

They pulled up the rug (the hot water heater burst), and now, on the concrete, there is mold. At least 1 inch high, a pale green mold! It's so disgusting and unsanitary!!!! I've never seen anything like it, it wasn't there yesterday and now it's covering a large portion of the floor.

 

I really don't want my boyfriend living there anymore. He deserves so much better.

 

I'm trying to convince him to move into this really nice apartment complex, not too far away from where he lives.

I want him to pay the same price he does now, and I'll make up the difference.

 

I really hope he'll accept. He's a man, and doesn't want to feel like he's taking anything from me.

I'm just really hoping he well, I'll be freaking out like mad if he's still living there when I leave.

 

The other place is so beautiful anyways! It's new also, clean, they don't have a mold problem.

 

As much as I'd hate to, I'm going to collect a sample and send it off to a lab somewhere. I know that stuff is hazardous, I just know it.

 

And I don't want them putting him in another one of their apartments, because all of them look like crap.

 

I just want my baby to be okay, ya know. He works so hard, and is such a good man, he deserves so much more than he has right now.

 

Anywho, I'm off to check on the clothes.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Sooo exhausted I don't know what it is, it could be any number of things.

 

I can't believe graduation is over, but I'm happy about it too.

Yesterday before I left for graduation I was feeling nauseous (sp?) and everything.

 

All of my feelings had to be surpressed so that I could make it through.

 

I was able to laugh and chit chat with my peers.

And best of all I saw my friend N.!!!!

 

We were so unbelievably happy to see each other!!! She said that she missed me and I really, really miss her.

 

And I was only able to see her before graduation and that was it. I really wish I could have seen her again.

 

Oh and I saw my other Spring break buddy, Monica.

 

Actually I saw so many people that I know and have socialized with in the past.

 

I guess it wasn't that bad.

 

But why do I feel weird?

 

I mean it was pretty nice, or at least it should have been. I laughed, we all screamed/shouted our chants, even though we weren't suppose to.

 

I think that everything will eventually set in and I'll realize that I won't have to go there again.

 

Generally I abhor graduations. I think it's because they are long and there are soooo many people.

 

Which reminds me, I did pretty well yesterday with all of those people! I didn't freak out or anything. Granted, after a while, I might have been a little grumpy, but that's it.

 

I did pretty much everything my mom wanted me to do. And my dad was soooo proud. I'm the only one of his children who has gone to the same school.

 

And by the way, okay I know I can get grumpy, but I mean I tell my family when I need to go. And I think they know by now that I realllly mean it.

 

I do my best to communicate with them, to let them know how much I'm able to handle.

 

Because when I'm crying uncontrollably, feeling really sick, and am unable to get out of bed, it's a little too late.

 

And it makes me feel horrible about myself. I don't want to always be aware of my short comings, or of what has happened to me in the past. I just want to get through it.

 

I mean, to go from being an extremely tolerant person, to not being able to handle certain things, is rough and embarrasing.

 

And I don't like beating myself up over it. I've made myself understand that this is the way things are right now, and I have to deal with it, accept it.

 

And I try to help my immediate family (mother, father, and boyfriend understand).

 

My boyfriend totally understands, and my parents are getting better.

 

Actually yesterday I just felt, embarrased, I mean I think when it comes to college I always will.

 

I didn't graduate on time, so I'm not proud of graduating now. And I know there were things that happened, but that doesn't make me feel any better.

 

I know there is always graduate school, and that will be like...school. I can actually focus on the work, and excel. I won't have to worry about safety. By then I will have created my own safe environment with my new husband.

 

But just being there, I just felt like a failure.

But I never have to go there again, so that's okay.

 

Oh, and my best friend e-mailed me. And she still doesn't believe that I wasn't drunk when I called her one day.

 

It was a day when I was really stressed out. And when I get stressed out like that, all of the symptoms come back.

And it's embarrassing and it's even worse, when my best friend is like, "well, it still sounds like you were drunk".

I mean, what does she want me to say? I've told her the truth.

 

Anywho, I really wanted to cook today. I wanted to try all of my different online recipes and have something ready for my boyfriend when he gets home.

 

But I don't have a car, and we were both too tired to go shopping yesterday.

 

Our hotel has a refrigerator, a stove, dishwasher, etc.

It's really nice, you actually do get what you pay for.

 

So I'm here at the hotel by myself. I figured I'd write a couple of thank you notes for the gifts I've received.

 

At least I received my actual diploma yesterday. When Sidney graduated they didn't have the diplomas ready for graduation, they mailed them out later.

 

Yesterday, immediately following graduation we had to go pick them up.

 

I'm slightly sad today, but not totally sad. I don't know if it's graduation, or the alcohol I had last night, or the fact that I'm still on my period.

 

I just want to feel, I feel a little numb after yesterday, but that's what happens when I have to bottle up everything inside. I just hope it doesn't take too long to wear off.

 

I've re-learned myself and my body. I'm constantly evaluating my boundaries, my tolerance, what I can and cannot take.

 

I just didn't want to go back there ya know. I don't know. It just reminds me of so much bad.

 

But I do think being around my peers did help me through the day. They helped me to think about other things.

 

Anywho, thanks for listening guys!!! I'm off to take a shower.

 

~Grace

 

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I can't believe it's over.

I keep pulling out my degree and looking at it. I can't believe that piece of paper cost me so much.

 

And barely any of it was academic.

 

That small piece of paper represents a large part of my adult life. I grew up while I was there, and......so much more.

 

I just cry looking at it. All of that...all of that stuff I went through was for that piece of paper.

 

Being away from safety, making some life-long friends, nightmares, pain, independence, a future-husband.......I can't believe it.

 

I won't go through that again. When I go to school again, it will be about school, and nothing else.

 

I feel so bad, because I could have gone to school in my home state, and everything would have been fine.

 

School, would have just been school.

 

I mean, are my parents really happy? I hope so because then maybe all of this won't be in vain.

 

I hate that place, I always will. That's a place of my nightmares.

 

When a year has passed without me seeing that place, then, maybe then I'll believe it really is all over.

 

Because in my mind I'm not safe, yet. I can't breathe, yet.

 

I'm finally going to be living in the world of adults, LOL. I don't know, I was always more comfortable with adults. My parents are much older in age, as well as their friends. So in my younger years I was mostly around adults.

 

Over the years I've learned to be more at home with my peers. Of course I've always had those friends I could hang out with along the way.

 

But even my peers treated me differently. They treated me as if I was an adult.

 

They were friendly to me, etc. But they would never curse in my presense, and if they did by accident, they would always apologize to me.

 

So it took a lot of work to make them view me a little differently.

 

However I was always looked at in a different light.

 

My mom says that's a good thing. I don't know if it is. I've always been well-liked regardless.

People who I didn't even think knew me would stand up for me and look out for me.

 

But there is a huge difference between being-well liked and feeling accepted (sp?).

 

If it weren't for my friends I wouldn't feel accepted by anyone.

 

I mean people compliment you, do nice things for you, say they love you, but you know you're still different. I mean you're not the kind they would really hang out with, and most aren't even the kind you'd want to hang out with.

 

The world is just so confusing.

 

This past weekend people kept telling me that I looked so good, and my friend's significant other was even blowing kisses to me while I was walking down the street.

 

This is all so sweet, but it doesn't change the way I feel about myself inside. And boy do I wish it did.

 

And I'm just sitting up here alone crying. I mean will I ever really feel comfortable being around a lot of other people?

I don't ever know.

 

I mean, I can seem confident. I can get up in front of a crowd and speak my mind. But I don't think that means much of anything, except maybe....

 

..that I can adapt to different situations. But now with this whole incident in play, I can't even adapt as well as before. It takes such a toll on me now.

 

I don't think that I hate myself, because if I did I would totally self-destruct. And if I hated myself, I wouldn't be able to love another. But I can't say, that when I look in the mirror I see what I want to see, because I don't.

 

And last night, after I had a drink, I could.......I just felt like damaged goods.

 

I mean this rape, has damaged me. Am I fixable? Because I don't want to pain those close to me by letting them see me in pain.

 

And I don't want to be alone either. And I don't want to kill myself. So the only other option is that I get better.

 

But is that ever really possible? What if it's not? What if people just try to encourgae you, but they're encouraging you with lies? What if you don't get better?

What if it is like the way I thought it was before I was raped? What if rape really does ruin peoples' lives?

 

My whole life I've wanted to be normal, just feel normal.

And I know I probably shouldn't want to be "normal", because I'm sure all of the priveleges (sp?) I have don't come with being 'normal'.

 

I mean I should just appreciate, that there are people who love me and take care of me.

 

But I want to love myself again.

 

I don't want to feel worthless anymore, because that's how the rape made me feel, worthless.

Like the lowest of the low.

Like I'm not good enough for anything.

 

And everyday I try to tell myself that isn't true.

 

That I am worth something. That I am worthy of being loved and respected.

And not abused and violated.

 

But I find it's something I'm having to tell myself Everyday.

And I don't want to have to convince myself that I'm okay. I just want to believe it.

 

Oh God I just want to believe it.

 

I can't understand this. It's too big for me to understand. And I've tried, I've really and truly have tried.

 

I've tried to make it all better. I've tired to be brave. I've tried to be understanding.

 

And I know God loves me, and I've tried to trust him more.

 

I see the good things that happen in my life and I know that it's God trying to cheer me up.

And it works, it works sometimes, but soon after, I'm still so low.

 

Like a tire with a hole in it. I get filled up by the wonderful things I see, and that people do for me, but I just deflate again.

And I'm waiting for the hole to be patched up.

 

I'm waiting. And I'm trying to find ways to better myself.

But it just seems worthless.

Absolutely, and completely worthless.

 

Everything is just a temporary fix, and then I'm broken all over again.

 

And I'm tired. I'm so tired of living like this.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Well, it's another day.

 

I've decided that when I get home, I'll interview for a part-time job, and just work.

 

I always like to be fully aware of who I am and how I'm feeling. I like to know myself inside and out.

 

I've been worried that working a lot, or not taking time to think, may make me end up in a place where I don't want to be.

 

Ignoring my feelings or emotions isn't something that works very well for me. I tried it after my abusive relationship, and I kind of broke-down.

 

But I'm going to give it a try anyways. I mean....I'm living with my parents, so I'm sure that if something begins to change in me, they'll let me know.

 

I'm ready to start a new phase in my life. I'm ready to move on. The big stressor is gone now, I no longer have to see that place again.

 

I feel kind of free.

 

My cat/my boyfriend's cat, really needs to go outside.

I love him so much!!! He is so unbelievably cute! He's such a friendly and beautiful cat.

 

Anywho, my dreams are closer to becoming reality! It's May, only 7 months more and my boyfriend will be with me!

 

Can you believe it?!

 

When there's something that I realllly want I've always been willing to work for it.

 

And now it's time to work.

Work and save. I have to provide a place for me and my honey.

 

I'm sure he'll get a job in California quickly, however I want all of our finances in place.

 

Oh my gosh guys! I'm going to be a wife soon!!!

 

I'll be in charge of my own destiny, from here on out I can do what I want in life.

 

I've paid my dues to my lovely parents, I've gotten my degree and have attended graduation!

 

Isn't that great!

 

Now all I have to do is, prepare for my new life.

A happy and beautiful life.

 

After I get situated, I'll start looking at graduate programs, and cost of course.

 

Money, money, money, almost everything costs money.

 

LOL, I can't believe it! I'm an adult now!

 

I know I'll be so successful! I have a good heart, like people, get along with others really well, and I have looks.

Although I do have to finish my body make-over.

 

Although I have realized that counting is dieting.

 

I've also realized, I'm not nearly as busy as I should be.

 

I'm grateful for my job, however I need a job where I can move around.

Exercise.

 

Desk jobs suck.

 

My cell phone just went off and I don't know where is it.

 

Anyways, the lady came by to clean my room today.

I thought, wow, it would be nice to have that job.

 

To be able to move all of the time, clean up, make things look nice again.

I helped her clean up this room.

 

I don't know, it's just nice to have a sense of purpose.

 

Oh, and when I get home I'll be able to volunteer!!!!

 

I'm so happy, I feel free.

 

I can do what I want to do now.

I mean, I live at home, in a safe environment.

And when I finish making my money, I'll live in my apartment, safe. Safe, safe, safe.

 

I had forgotten how important safety was to me until my new therapist reminded me.

 

Last night was a rough night. And I couldn't sleep. Weird sensations again. But I guess that's bound to happen at times.

 

I'm feeling more optimistic today.

 

I realize I'm going to be okay, more than okay. I'm going to be me.

 

I can't wait to volunteer though. Help all the little animals.

 

Once I volunteered for a rescue group for dogs. But where are the rescue groups for cats?

 

If I owned my own home, I would take in the cats they wanted to put down, and I would find homes for them.

 

Although in California a cat from the humane society is $150, while in Alabama it's $50.

 

Crazy huh?

 

Oh well, I want to help people sooooo badly. Voluteering always makes me feel happy.

 

I don't think I've volunteered since highschool, isn't that sad!

 

When you help others you don't focus on your own problems.

 

Everyone says it's so bad to run away from your problems. But when you can't face those problems, do you really have any other choice?

 

I'm aware of what I have to work on, but I don't have a cure.

 

Anywho, I'm thrilled about dancing again! I was born to be a dancer. I've consistently loved dance. And I've always been good at it. Dancing probably has something to do with my purpose in life.

 

Anywho, I'm off to take a shower.

 

Origins peppermint bath rub, rocks!

You'll feel so good afterwards.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I'm all alone. I can't wait for my boyfriend to get off of work.

 

I thought about drinking, but I don't think that's the best way to solve boredom.

 

I'm listening to "Human Nature" by Madonna and watching Dr. Phil.

 

Oh wait, I have to use the restroom................

 

Okay, I'm back.

 

I don't know, maybe I will have a drink.

 

I wish I had juice though, I have all of these drink recipes I've brought with me, but we still haven't gone grocery shopping.

 

I really don't think we'll go shopping before I leave though, we haven't yet.

 

I don't know, watching the Madonna video has me thinking.

I mean, after you're raped, you do just want to kind of let go, and act like sex doesn't bother you and be outrageous.

 

I haven't done that yet, I don't quite think I will....well.......I don't know.

 

I mean, who doesn't want to be beautiful and in charge?

 

The video is a little freaky, but I love the dancing. Moving all over the place, just feels good. stretching, being in tune with your body, being able to do all sorts of things, being flexible...the good ole days.

 

Okay, maybe I'm slightly vain.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm just horny.

Okay, and I admit, I am kind of freaky, but not disgusting-freaky.

 

Well, this is anonymous right? LOL! Not like this has anything to do with me being freaky, but I lovvvve giving my boyfriend blow jobs. I could do it allll day long, LOL!

It turns me on. I just love pleasing him. It's great.

 

LOL! I've only confessed that to my best friend, when we had a conversation about sex.

 

I'm sure that when we're living together, he'll still get it everyday.

 

He's so beautiful.

 

I remember once a long time ago. I don't know when it was.......anyways, maybe it was when we first got together.

I mean, he's blessed, I'll say that.

Anyways, after I finished one time, I remember thinking, I really felt for prostitutes because they really work hard for their money, LOL.

 

What's that song by Patti Labelle? "...she works hard for her money, so hard for it honey, she works hard for her money so you better treat her right....".

 

Anyways, I love my man, he deserves it all.

 

Gosh, he's so sexy! I believe I will always be ga-ga over this man.

 

I mean when he kisses me, I still get hot all over.

 

I've never been in love like this before, or in a relationship like this before, or this long for that matter.

 

I goal is to make my man the luckiest man alive. I want other people to be jealous of what he has (although I already know of a few who are).

 

I want him to be well fed, well cared for, well loved, and well sex-d, LOL!

 

I don't know, is the obession with weight, vainty or about control?

Does it really even matter?

 

I'm soooooooo.....I don't know. Being in a hotel all day may be taking a toll.

 

Gosh, I can't wait for him to get here, I better drink slowly.

 

I have a cousin. And she always looks good. I mean her and her husband have been together for years and years and she has never let herself go.

 

She takes her beauty seriously, and is a gracious hostess (sp?) as well.

 

Maybe I can find a game to play on the internet. I need to do something.

 

Thanks for listening as always guys!!!!

 

With love always

 

~Grace

 

 

 

I'm all alone. I can't wait for my boyfriend to get off of work.

 

I thought about drinking, but I don't think that's the best way to solve boredom.

 

I'm listening to "Human Nature" by Madonna and watching Dr. Phil.

 

Oh wait, I have to use the restroom................

 

Okay, I'm back.

 

I don't know, maybe I will have a drink.

 

I wish I had juice though, I have all of these drink recipes I've brought with me, but we still haven't gone grocery shopping.

 

I really don't think we'll go shopping before I leave though, we haven't yet.

 

I don't know, watching the Madonna video has me thinking.

I mean, after you're raped, you do just want to kind of let go, and act like sex doesn't bother you and be outrageous.

 

I haven't done that yet, I don't quite think I will....well.......I don't know.

 

I mean, who doesn't want to be beautiful and in charge?

 

The video is a little freaky, but I love the dancing. Moving all over the place, just feels good. stretching, being in tune with your body, being able to do all sorts of things, being flexible...the good ole days.

 

Okay, maybe I'm slightly vain.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm just horny.

Okay, and I admit, I am kind of freaky, but not disgusting-freaky.

 

Well, this is anonymous right? LOL! Not like this has anything to do with me being freaky, but I lovvvve giving my boyfriend blow jobs. I could do it allll day long, LOL!

It turns me on. I just love pleasing him. It's great.

 

LOL! I've only confessed that to my best friend, when we had a conversation about sex.

 

I'm sure that when we're living together, he'll still get it everyday.

 

He's so beautiful.

 

I remember once a long time ago. I don't know when it was.......anyways, maybe it was when we first got together.

I mean, he's blessed, I'll say that.

Anyways, after I finished one time, I remember thinking, I really felt for prostitutes because they really work hard for their money, LOL.

 

What's that song by Patti Labelle? "...she works hard for her money, so hard for it honey, she works hard for her money so you better treat her right....".

 

Anyways, I love my man, he deserves it all.

 

Gosh, he's so sexy! I believe I will always be ga-ga over this man.

 

I mean when he kisses me, I still get hot all over.

 

I've never been in love like this before, or in a relationship like this before, or this long for that matter.

 

I goal is to make my man the luckiest man alive. I want other people to be jealous of what he has (although I already know of a few who are).

 

I want him to be well fed, well cared for, well loved, and well sex-d, LOL!

 

I don't know, is the obession with weight, vainty or about control?

Does it really even matter?

 

I'm soooooooo.....I don't know. Being in a hotel all day may be taking a toll.

 

Gosh, I can't wait for him to get here, I better drink slowly.

 

I have a cousin. And she always looks good. I mean her and her husband have been together for years and years and she has never let herself go.

 

She takes her beauty seriously, and is a gracious hostess (sp?) as well.

 

Maybe I can find a game to play on the internet. I need to do something.

 

Thanks for listening as always guys!!!!

 

With love always

 

~Grace

 

 

 

I'm all alone. I can't wait for my boyfriend to get off of work.

 

I thought about drinking, but I don't think that's the best way to solve boredom.

 

I'm listening to "Human Nature" by Madonna and watching Dr. Phil.

 

Oh wait, I have to use the restroom................

 

Okay, I'm back.

 

I don't know, maybe I will have a drink.

 

I wish I had juice though, I have all of these drink recipes I've brought with me, but we still haven't gone grocery shopping.

 

I really don't think we'll go shopping before I leave though, we haven't yet.

 

I don't know, watching the Madonna video has me thinking.

I mean, after you're raped, you do just want to kind of let go, and act like sex doesn't bother you and be outrageous.

 

I haven't done that yet, I don't quite think I will....well.......I don't know.

 

I mean, who doesn't want to be beautiful and in charge?

 

The video is a little freaky, but I love the dancing. Moving all over the place, just feels good. stretching, being in tune with your body, being able to do all sorts of things, being flexible...the good ole days.

 

Okay, maybe I'm slightly vain.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm just horny.

Okay, and I admit, I am kind of freaky, but not disgusting-freaky.

 

Well, this is anonymous right? LOL! Not like this has anything to do with me being freaky, but I lovvvve giving my boyfriend blow jobs. I could do it allll day long, LOL!

It turns me on. I just love pleasing him. It's great.

 

LOL! I've only confessed that to my best friend, when we had a conversation about sex.

 

I'm sure that when we're living together, he'll still get it everyday.

 

He's so beautiful.

 

I remember once a long time ago. I don't know when it was.......anyways, maybe it was when we first got together.

I mean, he's blessed, I'll say that.

Anyways, after I finished one time, I remember thinking, I really felt for prostitutes because they really work hard for their money, LOL.

 

What's that song by Patti Labelle? "...she works hard for her money, so hard for it honey, she works hard for her money so you better treat her right....".

 

Anyways, I love my man, he deserves it all.

 

Gosh, he's so sexy! I believe I will always be ga-ga over this man.

 

I mean when he kisses me, I still get hot all over.

 

I've never been in love like this before, or in a relationship like this before, or this long for that matter.

 

I goal is to make my man the luckiest man alive. I want other people to be jealous of what he has (although I already know of a few who are).

 

I want him to be well fed, well cared for, well loved, and well sex-d, LOL!

 

I don't know, is the obession with weight, vainty or about control?

Does it really even matter?

 

I'm soooooooo.....I don't know. Being in a hotel all day may be taking a toll.

 

Gosh, I can't wait for him to get here, I better drink slowly.

 

I have a cousin. And she always looks good. I mean her and her husband have been together for years and years and she has never let herself go.

 

She takes her beauty seriously, and is a gracious hostess (sp?) as well.

 

Maybe I can find a game to play on the internet. I need to do something.

 

Thanks for listening as always guys!!!!

 

With love always

 

~Grace

[Gracelove]

I can't wait until my boyfriend gets home today. I just really need him to hold me.

 

I got a shower, so I'm feeling really good. I look in the mirror, put on my makeup, etc.

I put on my top, it's an okay top.

 

I mean since I've been here I've managed to wear really flattering, beautiful clothes, but not today.

 

So I'm looking in the mirror at myself, feeling okay, not that great.

 

I was getting ready to go out to the deli accross the street.

 

I was feeling really self-conscious, but I figured, oh well, that's life.

 

So I'm heading down the stairs and I hear someone behind me.

It's the lady who was cleaning rooms yesterday.

 

She said, "Hey pretty girl!!!". And I said, "Hey! Thank you!".

 

And then she looks me in my eyes and says, "You are so beautiful!", and then gave me a big smile and a wink as she walked away.

I don't know, that was so sweet of her to say, espicially since I wasn't feeling that way.

 

I don't know, it means a lot.

 

I just wish I could see what others see in me, if I could I think I'd be so happy.

 

But I don't see it.

 

I can look in the mirror something, and say that I'm pretty, but..........I don't know, it's just not the same.

 

I want better esteem.

 

Same ole, same ole. And then there are my therapy sessions.

 

I'm hoping insurance well pay for it, but we've been down that road before.

 

I have so much to prepare for, $130 a session is a lot.

Originally she told me it was $150. But then I got there she gave me a sheet with a different price.

 

Why does progress seem to come so slowly.

I know I can't be the only one who feels this way.

 

I feel like crying.

 

I don't know, I feel like I should be sleeping while my boyfriend is at work, but I don't know. When he comes home, he's exhausted, he'll want to lay down anyways and hold each other.

 

I don't know, sometimes my jaw gets sore when I give a lot of blow jobs.

 

But when I was younger my dentist said I would have jaw problems.

 

Something about the way my jaw is aligned. It's weird, my orthidontist /Orth.(sp?) never said anything about it.

Isn't it funny, I've been seeing an Orth. for most of my life and I can't even spell it, LOL!!!

 

I had preventative...I don't know what you would call it. But they looked at my mother's and father's mouth and decided that I would need braces.

 

I think I was 8 years old when I got braces. I didn't even have all of my adult teeth yet, LOL. People were like, "why in the world does she have braces"!

 

Anyways, I've had a lot of mouth pain over the years, but it paid off.

 

The only problem now is that I haven't been wearing my retainers.

 

So when I put them on I'm going to be in a lot of pain.

 

WEll my honey is home early!

 

Love you guys!

 

Bye

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

 

 

 

 

It takes sooo much to get them to pay for things.

[Gracelove]

Good morning everyone!!!!!!

 

What a beautiful day! I have such the urge to exercise, gosh I can't wait to get back home!

 

Of course I love being here with my boyfriend I would love to spend as much time here as possible.

 

But I'm free!!!! I'm going to go home and get a second job! Prepare a home for me and my baby! Ahhh!! I can't wait guys!

 

I'm free!!!! I'm starting the feel the effects already.

 

I'm free to move on with my life! And I never ever have to go back to that place of my nightmares again!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!

 

Soooo great!

 

This guy from the deli accross the street send me a text message!!!

I think that violates professionalism (sp?).

 

I tell you, I should be so feeling good about myself right now. But that's pointless.

 

I don't know I'm just so happy about my future right now.

 

I can't wait to work a second job again, it's going to be great! I get to meet people my own age, make new friends.

 

At my current job, there is no one there my age.

 

I am going to work my little butt off, and save my money. And if by chance I ever get bored or lonely...humane society here I come!!!!!

 

I know when I was living down here, I made these little beds for the kittens, and these little cat toys. It made me feel soooooo special to see them playing with them.

 

I'm going to bring in cat treats every weekend. And some kitty milk.

 

But in California they may be more strict. They may not like me doing that, but we'll see.

 

I can't wait, I feel soooo great! I'm a free woman!!

 

Oh, and by the way, I did not give that guy my number. I think they have caller ID, because when I called to place my order he said, "I'm not coming all the way out there to ________, California, so you have to come pick it up.

 

And I was going to eat over there again today. But I don't want to have to deal with that.

 

I mean you guys have no idea how excited I am. I've had the biggest urge to exercise these past few days. I feel like my old self.

 

I already see how this is going to go. When I leave to go back, I'm going to stop eating bread (something I've done before of course). Which is how I lost hellllla weight in a short amount of time before I was raped.

 

I mean I feel like my old self. I didn't realize how much I was living in fear all this time.

I don't have to be afraid anymore. I don't have to be afraid of anything really.

 

I'm so safe now. I can do what I want. I mean, I don't even feel uncomfortable with men trying to flirt with me.

 

That's a huge thing. Because I used to hate it, with a passion I might add.

 

But now it's cool. I know they aren't going to touch me, or grab me, or do anything like that.

 

And I live at home with my parents. This is great. I'm going to be pretty again. Sexy again. Me again. Happy again.

 

This is really starting to hit home.

 

I don't think you understand how that place made me feel like such an absolute failure. Every horrible thing that has happened to me, has happened while I was there.

 

And I'm human, so of course I had bad times before that, but they were all survivable.

 

Anyways, I don't have to face that part of my life anymore. I can forget it if I want.

 

And I was all insecure about my weight. I felt like I couldn't control.

I mean what I thinking?! I can control it. I've manipulated my weight, since I was 14 years of age, if not younger.

 

I felt like I had lost control of everything. I just didn't know what would happen if I went back there.

I mean that is the worst feeling the world.

 

I thought I could possibly see my rapist, if Ariel was graduating.

I was scared.

 

And I know some people see their rapists all of the time. But I don't think I could have handled.

 

And at graduation, I was so careful of where I was looking. I didn't want any surprises.

 

Ariel's best friend was there. She called my name, we said 'hey' and hugged. Her best friend has always been nice to me. So that wasn't too bad. I was surprised she was still so nice to me.

I would have thought Ariel might say something. But maybe she wouldn't have been able to lie to her best-friend with a straight face.

 

Anyways, I'm just glad I didn't see her.

 

Now that that's over I'm going to be the best person I can be.

 

I feel really pretty good.

Because now I know for sure that I will never see those faces again.

 

Here comes the old Grace. I might even re-enroll in Tae Kwan Do. I was a black belt candidate in highschool.

 

I want to feel strong again.

 

I mean, not that Tae Kwan Do can help you when you've been drugged. But, I don't know, it might help me to feel stronger, safer.

 

All I have to do, is not drink at a club. I mean, that shouldn't be hard, LOL.

 

Or when I go out, make sure I'm with more than one friend. That way just in case one really isn't really a friend, I'll be covered, safe.

 

I hate what happened. I do. I mean I can blame myself, for not knowing. I mean how can you know someone for more than 3 years, and not know who they really were?

 

How? She knew so much about me. She knew about my abusive relationship. How fearful I was, she even knew of this other situation.

 

And to think that she tried to get me to get an identical tattoo to one that she was getting.

 

She wanted me to get one so bad.

What was her issue?

 

I mean, it's hard to understand. You feel helpless. If you couldn't see through someone after 3 years time........you feel like a failure, like you can't read people.

 

At one point and time, we were partners on an internship together.

 

We drove 3hrs., in total, to and from work, everyday. we slept in the same place, we worked side by side all day long.

 

I mean, what do I do with the memories? We had so much fun together. How do I know what was real, and what wasn't?

 

 

You know, I think I should have known, because she used to hang out with the girl, who is so weird. She's cold, like a fish.

 

Something about that girl just isn't right.

 

And....I used to wonder why they hung out. But you know, I never harp on my friends' friends.

 

But that's a small thing to live with. I mean kissing that place goodbye makes everything else a lot easier.

 

They out-smarted me, that's the hardest part. I mean I look back, and see how easy it must have been for them to set me up.

 

Sooooo easy. I mean, I was just trying to be accepting of my friend. So when she was doing stuff that was kind of weird, and out of the ordinary, I dismissed it.

 

Anywho, I think I need to distract myself, so I'm going to play with my cat now.

 

Thanks for listening guys!!!

 

Love you!

 

~Grace

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Something really weird is happening with my journal posts........

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Okay, forget it.

 

I had written this really long thing, and I talked about something I've kept a secret for a while. But I can't post it. Which is so weird. Maybe I'm not supposed to be able to post it.

 

I thought that maybe it's just too long, but I don't know. I've tried so many times to post it already.

 

I always copy what I write prior to posting it, just in case it doesn't go through, which has happened before.

 

So it didn't go through, but it won't let me paste it.

 

I don't know, I'll just forget.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

So, anywho, I guess it's just not important.

I got emotional when writing about it, but I don't know why. I'm just tired.

 

I woke up this morning and my eyes were red. I think it's because I drank last night.

 

I think I'll order something to eat. But I don't want to walk back over there. I don't want that man hitting on me.

 

Sending me a text message was totally inappropriate. When you're running a business you don't use peoples' information to contact them for flirting purposes.

 

I'm just tired right now.

 

What I wrote about was embarrasing, and.......I don't know, when I paste it, and submit, it shows up blank.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm feeling weird.

 

Oh well, I think I'll order something anyway. But I'm really not hungry. I don't know what I am right now.

 

I think reliving difficult things is just plain exhausting.

 

It had nothing to do with my rape, or anything like that.

 

Okay, I'll try to post it one more time.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Okay, I have a confession to make. I don't know why this has been something I've kept to myself, but I have.

 

I think on some level this might have been more embarrasing than being raped.

 

How is that possible right?

 

Well, I don't know, but only 4 people know about it (Ariel included).

 

My cousin had introduced me to this guy. We had talked off and on for months. He was there to make me laugh during the whole stalker situation.

 

We were supposed to get together one night. No sex involved of course. At this point I was terrified of sex. The last sexual experience I had was with my stalker ex (the guy I had lost my virginity to).

 

The last time I had sex with him, it was sooooooo painful. It was really bad. I didn't want to have sex ever again after he was through with me.

 

Anyways, we were supposed to get together and hang out. Have a movie night.

 

So I drive two hours to meet him. It's really late, and I'm exhausted. And I went by myself.

 

I get there, and imagine my horror...there is a house full of guys.

 

So I wasn't happy to say the least.

 

My cousin had her cell phone on, but wouldn't answer the phone, she lived in city, and hers was the only number I had of someone in the city.

 

So I was pretty uncomfortable. I can't drive home and I'm in a strange place. The guy I came to see, is acting hella crazy in front of his friends (really immature).

 

I didn't quite know what to do. The guys were nice, but they were hitting on me, and I was the only woman in that house.

 

So, of course I eventually decided to get plastered. I guess you could say I was an alc-ie in the sense that I turned to alcohol for strength and comfort.

 

*Note: I wasn't in a relationship at this time

 

Anyways, I'm going to make this long story really short.

 

Before long, I'm having lots of fun. I'm dancing, and I love dancing.

 

And at the time my body was hot. I mean the ass, breast, stomach was flat. I had the curves, but was soooo slender at the same time. I looked really good, which is nice to know.

 

Anyways, after a while the guys are taking turns locking me in different rooms with them (there are tons of rooms in this house).

 

They talk to me, tell me how beautiful I am, etc. etc.

 

While the other guys are banging on the door trying to get whoever had me in there to open the door.

 

Needless to say, it was a chaotic scene.

 

So, some guys left, but I was still in the house alone with 5 of them......

[Gracelove]

Four of them kissed me on the lips at one point.

 

Only one guy (the owner of the house) I made out with.

 

We were in the master bedroom. I was dancing. He told me to stop because he was having problems controlling himself while watching me dance.

 

And me I was having the time of my life for a while. I mean I was in the mirror dancing. Kicking my legs over my head, moving my hips, just everything. I was having so much fun, I felt so free.

 

So anyways, it settles down outside of the room. I'm guessing everyone passed out, and we get in bed together. Totally voluntarily.

 

I had only been naked in front of two guys before this. My boyfriend, and my fiance/abuser/stalker-boy.

 

So we're in bed. It feels good to lay down.

 

And I remember just talking, me talking. Because I love to talk.

 

And I was feeling so good. Talking away about everything under the sun.

 

He still has his pants on, and he stradled me. And then he sticks his finger in me.

 

I remember feeling shocked, really shocked, but then relaxing...........and then I blacked out, actually I really think I just feel asleep.

 

The next thing I know (it seems like it's 2 minutes later), I'm saying I'm sick.

 

The guy isn't on top of me or anything, I think he was sleep or something.

 

So he takes me into the bathroom, and says he'll be right back, he's going to get his friend, because he doesn't know what to do.

 

And so I tell him "no, please", because I have no clothes on. And he re-assures me and goes to get his friend.

 

So I lock the door. And say to myself, there is no way in hell I'm opening it....

[Gracelove]

....I think my only saving grace in this story, is that I looked really good naked, if I didn't, I would never tell this story.

If I had been fat when I was raped, I probably wouldn't have said anything.

 

I've always had a disorder when it comes to weight and food. Either I don't eat, or I over-eat, that is my life. I've always have had an obsession.

 

Anyways, so they come back, and I won't open the door. And they are yelling at me, telling me that I better open that door. So I open it.

 

And they come in, and they help me put on my panties.

And then I'm vomitting in the toilet, in my little stripped green and baby blue victoria secret panties.... I swear, I will never be able to live that down.

 

And then everyone else comes in, except the guy I came to see, he was sleeping downstairs, I later found out (way to go).

 

And they are yelling back and forth at each other. And saying that I'm vomitting but nothing but clear liquid is coming out.

 

And I'm shaking uncontrolably (sp?). And I'm jerking. And I can't breathe.

 

And they are holding my hair back. And making me drink water.

 

This went on for hours.

And then at one point I was begging someone to call the hospital, because I thought I was dying, and I couldn't breathe.

 

But they wouldn't call anybody.

 

And then at one point I was able to make my way to my purse (which was on the bathroom counter). They were all in the other part of the house at this time, and I was in the bathroom, by myself.

 

And I wanted to call Sidney. Sidney was my everything back then. I was crying, and I wanted him to call the police for me, so that I could go to the hospital.

 

And my cell phone wasn't there, I couldn't find it.

 

And then they came back, and then I was over the toilet.

And then they carried me to the closet floor.

 

And one boy covered me up with a blanket, and slept with me there for the rest of the morning. I was soooo cold.

 

And when he got up, later that morning, I woke up.

 

The owner of the house was asking me if I was okay. I was so embarrased.

 

And I asked him if I could use his shampoo and take a shower, and he told me I could use whatever I wanted.

 

He told me I could stay, he'd fix something for me to eat. But it was over.

I was so embarrassed, I couldn't stay there.

 

So he and another guy helped me take my stuff to my car. And the owner kept telling me I could stay, and sleep some more, it was okay.

 

But I had to leave.

 

The rest doesn't matter. I got in my car. I was on the phone with my best friend. She told me I should pull over because I still sounded weird.

 

I pulled over into a parking lot.

I talked to Sidney. He was angry of course, but not at me, LOL.

 

Then I called my cousin, she was going to send her husband to pick me up. I told her "no", besides I didn't know where I was anyways.

 

I ended up sleeping in the parking lot.

 

And cousin yelled at me later saying that I better tell her what happened, or she's calling my mother. So I told her what happened.

She was furious.

 

She has a friend in the police department (he is an officer). She had called him, and he was going to go arrest them all.

And on top of that, she was going to call this drug dealer who is infatuated (sp?) with her, and have them all beat up.

 

I had to beg her not to do it. I was on my way to class, and I missed class begging her not to go through with it.

She was so furious.

 

And I just wanted it to go away. It was embarrasing. They didn't do anything bad to me.

I wasn't harmed or anything.

So I didn't want them getting into trouble for nothing.

 

I'm still pretty embarrased about that. Can you imagine?

 

I mean, all those guys seeing me with just my panties on.

 

That night would have been perfect if I wouldn't have gotten sick.

 

At first I was upset about being the only girl. I felt tricked. He told me it was just going to be us, alone. It was his friend's house, but he said no one would be there.

 

And then there is a house full of men.

 

I just can't believe, that when I was sick, he was sleeping.

His friends were taking care of me.

 

And then when I was leaving, he had his stuff in my car.

He wanted me to bring it in for him?!

 

I told him that if he didn't get up and get his stuff out of out my car, he was never going to see it again.

 

His friend, had to curse him out, before he got up to get his stuff.

 

The dating world sucks. Espicially when you are dating people you have no business dating.

 

And then my guy friend had to give me a lecture, LOL!

About how I don't need to be hanging out with people who are going no where. And he always compliments me....so he was like, you're so beautiful any man would be lucky to have you, etc. etc.

 

LOL! Ya, that guy I was dating for like two seconds, was trash.

And then when my cousin told him, she was going to have him taken care of, he blamed me.

 

He was like, "I was so in love with her, and she broke my heart. She was kissing my other friends. etc.etc.".

 

I was like, "WHATEVER!". That b******. You invite me to a house with a bunch of men, lie to me about it, and then leave me alone with them.

 

Oh, and shall I mention that he tried to get me to drive drunk! Can you believe that!

 

After I was drunk, he tried to get me to drive to a hotel with him?!

 

Did I look like an idiot? I am soooo against driving drunk. That's a receipe for disaster. And for him to spend hell of time, trying to convince me that I wasn't drunk...it's pathetic.

 

He didn't care about me at all. He wanted me plastered on the sidewalk somewhere.

That totally disgusted me.

 

Men, that's why I am so glad, I'm with the man I'm going to marry.

 

Someone who loves me, and treats me with respect.

 

I mean, these guys out here are crazy.

 

I don't even think my boyfriend knows about that. It took place before I met him, so I doubt he'd want to know. He doesn't really like talking about past relationships too much.

 

I don't know why that story is so embarrasing.

The school counselor tried to get me to think that I was raped that night.

But I wasn't. If something like that happened I would know about it.

She was like, "How would you know, you blacked-out". But I would know, I would.

 

I don't know, I used to be a heavy drinker, and I never blacked-out. And that night, I didn't black-out, I fell asleep.

I remember being really, really sleepy.

I was exhausted when I first arrived at that house that night.

 

It's not like I was wide-awake and then everything went black.

 

All I had to eat that day was a small salad. And I got that salad from McDonald's, actually I think I got food-poisoning.

That's why I was throwing-up clear stuff.

 

Now, when I was really raped, a few weeks after....that was a complete different thing. And the sad thing is that it didn't have to happen.

 

And I told her about that night, ya know. What did she think of it? I mean she (Ariel) knew me so well.

 

She was shocked. We even talked about it. She asked me if I thought anything had happened, and I told her, "no".

 

That was my secret, I shared it with her. And I'd hate to think that sharing that with her, gave her ideas.

 

See, that always happens. That's why I was such a goodie-two-shoes, because I could never get away with anything.

 

How many girls would have driven up to that house with those men in it, and turned lemons into lemonade.

But no, I was able to pull it off for a little while. And then I got sick.

 

I know it was stupid to drink, in a house full of men, but what else could I do?

 

I'm in a strange place, don't know my way around, the one person who lives in that city won't pick up her phone.

I'm too tired to drive home. What could I have done? I was scared. Drinking really helped.

 

Maybe it was drinking on an empty stomach.

 

Anyways. I shouldn't have told Ariel about that night. Maybe she wouldn't have had that guy rape me.

 

I mean, obviously she thought I was an easy target.

 

I just want to know why she did it. I realllly do. And then she set him up on a blind date with another girl, a week after he raped me.

 

What was she thinking? What kind of monster is she?

 

I mean, my friend. I couldn't trust the men, but I thought I could trust a woman.

 

I just want to know soooo badly. I mean, as if I didn't already feel like trash.

 

Did she think I wasn't having enough trouble? She knew about the abuse. She knew about the stalking, she knew I was scared.

 

She knew I was just trying to feel better about myself, get myself together again.

 

She knew all of this. Why did she do it? I just want to know.

 

But I'll never know. She'll never tell me. She's going to get caught one day, I just know it.

And so is he.

You can only rape people for so long without getting caught.

 

He's getting careless. I know his face and his name. He even called me and told me he raped me.

I mean, what if I had taped that?

 

But he's just cocky now. Imagine how he feels? I knew his name, his face, everything, and he's still not in jail.

He must be feeling pretty good about himself right now.

 

I mean he raped me in his dorm. It didn't matter where. He could do whatever he wanted, and never be caught.

 

Rape is such a devastating crime, but so easy to get away with.

 

Weird huh? And drugs make it so easy for them to get away with.

 

But whatever, that's life.

 

We victim-survivors can make it through. But not all of us do. Many victims have killed themselves. I was almost one of them.

I mean, it's rough.

 

I'm just glad I have people who are loving and taking care of me now.

Without that I'd be lost.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Well, I guess that's it, it was too long to post all together.

I'm tired, I'm going to go lay down.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Okay, I called the deli, and that guy didn't pick up the phone, thank God in heaven.

 

So I guess I'm off.

 

I think I'll come back, eat, and watch Underworld. And of course I'll probably have something to drink.

 

Telling that story...I mean even though enotalone is anonymous (sp?), it's still sooooo embarrasing.

 

Well, thanks for listening!!!

 

~Grace

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

It's official, I can never go back to that deli again!

 

That guy was there, him and his little flirting side-kick.

 

And then I walk-out, thinking, "Thank God I'm home free", and he comes after me.

 

Asking how long I'm in town. Telling me that he's a little older than me, but maybe we can get together.

 

Oh, and that he's "Italian-American". What does that have to do with anything?!

 

Isn't it against some kind of rule to harass patrons?!

 

And I'm so self-conscious. I was trying to smile while I was in there, I felt so uncomfortable. Oh, and get this, he's a "general manager" of a complete different restaurant?! What's that about.

 

How embarrasing!

 

I take it, back, I take it alllllllll back. I still hate men hitting on me.

 

I hate my life sometimes I feel so insecure. While he was talking to me, I didn't say a word.

 

I'm thinking, if I don't respond to your text message what makes you think it's okay to follow me.

 

I just want my boyfriend here already, I need a drink.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I feel bad. I do. I'm not sure why, but I do. Gosh! I wish something could make it go away.

 

I don't know, I feel like sex. I think my boyfriend on top of me would make me feel a lot better right about now.

 

Today is Thrusday already. Only a few more days. I'll have to work really hard you know.

I'll have to pull myself together.

Focus on work.

 

I need to work in a busy environment. Somewhere where there are a lot of distractions.

 

I'll need to not think. Just go from job to job, not eat, work out, and volunteer.

 

I'm not busy, I need to be more busy. I don't need time to think. I just need to go, go, go.

 

I'm not suppose to be sad right now, I'm suppose to be happy.

Gosh what's wrong with me?

Why am I so messed up?

 

My goodness. Why does rape have to affect everything!!! If it could just stay compartmentalized.

 

If it wouldn't affect my esteem....if I could like being hit on again.

 

I mean, it's true I was critical of myself before. My mother is loving, but a perfectionist.

It's the way it goes. Naturally I'll be a little critical of myself.

 

But trauma has thrown everything out of whack. How do I know this? Many professionals have told me so.

 

But it's not like I can't see things on my own.

 

I'm so frustrated with every aspect of myself now-a-days.

I'm not happy with me, not anymore.

 

I order to walk outside, I have to tell myself over and over again, that looks don't matter.

 

Because if I can't be perfect, not much matters.

 

Who cares if others say I'm pretty, I'm not flawless right now. I can look in the mirror and tell myself I look pretty, or remind myself of what others say, but it doesn't help me.

 

I just keeping hoping that it will make me feel better, like "see Grace, you are pretty". But it doesn't help, not really.

 

I just want to be left alone.

 

I don't like men following me, don't follow me. It's that simple. I don't like it.

I don't like being followed.

 

I just hate it.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Hey Guys!!!

 

How's it going? I just had to write. Writing/talking helps me to control my emotions.

 

I missed my flight today. But it's great, I really wasn't ready to leave.

 

I arrived at the airport, late, and I started freaking out inside a little bit, but I'm better now.

 

It's so hard to leave the love of your life, so hard. But I'm going to plan.

Tonight I'm going to write in a notebook all of my plans.

 

Planning for the future helps you to survive the "now". And I need to survive, I really do.

 

I have become soooo much stronger, I can see it, and feel it.

But I still have a heart, I'm still sensitive.

 

It's so different how time changes. As I get better, responsibility gets piled on.

And that's a good thing. I mean, when I couldn't handle certain things, I didn't have to.

 

I was able to take off of school because I couldn't function.

 

But then I look back...if I could have been together at that time, things would have been great.

 

I was having extreme difficulty and was suicidal, etc. etc., but if I weren't that would have been a wonderful vacation.

 

I really wish I would have been well enough to enjoy that time off.

 

Anywho, I just remembered, I have to check for a ride to the airport tomorrow.

 

Thanks for listening guys!!!

 

Have a great night!!!

With love always,

~Grace

 

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Hey Guys!!!

 

How's is going?!

It's going okay with me, I'm a tad bit sleep deprived.

 

Of course I still miss my boyfriend, my heart is a little sad but it'll get better.

 

My trip reallllly motivated me! I feel so much better. Having that graduation/school thing off of my back is like this huge emotional weight off of my shoulders. It's so amazing I could cry, I'm so grateful right now.

 

Life is good. I can't believe I'm through, finished with that part of my life. I never thought it would be over...the pain, the worrying...it was too much really.

 

I feel like I can relax, like I'm safe. I haven't felt safe in a while now.

 

It's a lot, I'm not sure what to do with myself. I get a little emotional sometimes. But I smile through my tears. I feel like I've overcome a lot.

 

Once you're out of it, and you feel safe...you can breathe. You can admit that you were afraid.

 

I just have this feeling inside. It's like, "is that really over?! Am I really okay now? Will I always be safe?".

 

It's big.

I was hurting so much more than I would have liked to admit.

 

Now that I'm better I kind of down play the rape to myself. But it actually is a big thing.

 

There are so many beautiful people who did not make it, and that is sooooo serious.

 

I was watching a news story on A&E, and it was so sad. This man was molested by a priest when he was young.

He later turned to drug abuse to escape the pain.

 

They interviewed him, and he looked as if he had cleaned up, he was very attractive, and calm.

 

He was saying that he has had some difficulty dealing with what happened, but that he keeps "climbing the ladder", he kept trying to make it.

 

At the end of the news-show, they said that he died of an overdose.

 

I couldn't believe it, because the interview looked so recent!

 

And it hurt me, that hurt me so badly. Rape and molestation, being violated like that is so serious...and so devastating.

 

That could have been me. If only someone was there to help him. I grieve for him, because I see myself in him also.

 

Being violated like that is so devastating, beyond conscienceness (sp?/usage?). It shakes you to your core. I never knew anything could be so painful.

 

It comprimises (sp?) your relationship with yourself, others, and God.

It makes no sense.

 

My mom said something last night that meant so much to me. She said that a person would have to be mentally insane to rape someone.

It was so validating to hear her say that.

 

There was a time when I didn't think she cared or understood the gravity of what happened to me, how it completely destroyed the world I knew. Nothing was safe or the same.

 

Thinking back on it, there were so many dark days. I would love to help people who are going through that rough time.

 

Tell them it will be okay.

 

I would really love a job where I could help people. Maybe I should look into working at a battered women shelter, or something having to do with rape recovery.

 

I know I'll find my nitch. I would actually enjoy a job involving me helping people.

 

Anywho, I do feel a little emotional right now. I think I can embrace it more. I usually feel bad for being emotional. Sometimes I feel sad or tears fall from my eyes when I'm not thinking of anything imparticular.

 

I used to feel ashamed, scold myself, like "why are you crying? Nothing is happening. Stop being childish, you just want something to be wrong". That's what I tell myself. But I'm working on not being that way anymore.

 

If tears are streaming down my face, it's for a reason. And I shouldn't be harsh with myself for being sad or emotional.

 

I don't know why the grieving process takes so long, but I think I can accept it now.

 

I don't know when I'll completely get over it, but I don't want to beat myself up over it any more.

 

I realize I've overcome a lot, but I feel so weak. The abuse and rape....it left me feeling really badly about myself, like I'm a weakling.

 

And part of me knows I'm strong, so strong..but another part of me is so angry with myself.

Angry for not being able to protect me.

 

I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself. I know logically it isn't my fault, but I can't help but blame myself.

 

I feel like I was suppose to protect me, and that it doesn't matter what tools or tactics were used against me, I should have been able to prevent it.

 

It's like, I know I was drugged and I know I was set-up by someone I really trusted, but none of that is a good enough answer for me.

 

I feel like I've failed. That I've failed on a major level.

 

Before I was raped, way before, I promised myself that I would die fighting off a rapist before he raped me....and that if a man raped me, he would have to rape my dead body because he wouldn't take me alive.

 

That's a promise I made to myself so long ago. And I didn't keep it.

 

I keep telling myself, "You couldn't feel your legs or your arms. You couldn't see, everything was blurry. You passed out." But, it still hurts.

 

And what hurts is remembering when I realized what would happen to me.

 

My limbs were numb. Most of everything was a blur, but I could make out where my rapist was standing, and he said something to me.......and right then, in that moment, I was absolutely terrified.

 

I knew I wasn't safe, I knew no one could help me. I knew I was scared, I wanted to cry.

 

And then another thing that hurts...I was all alone with him.

 

Do you know what it like to be alone with someone who is hurting you, for that long?

 

No one is there to save you, and you're trapped.

 

It's like being confined in a space with a monster you see in your dreams....and no one is coming to save you.

 

And that monster can do anything it wants to you, and you can't escape, you can't fight back, you just have to live through it.

 

My mom and dad wanted me to get a copy of the police report when we were in Atlanta.

 

I don't want it. I don't know what's in it. I'm sure that it contains my report as well.

 

I don't need that.

 

Actually it's good that I didn't have to go through the legal systems, to trial or anything.

I honestly believe it would have been too much for me.

 

I'm just glad it's over.

 

I received a graduation card from a family in our community.

I was writing a thank you note to them for their gift.

 

My rapist talked to one of the members of that family (they went to the same school).

 

He knew that I knew the guy. The rapist sought him out and told him that we had sex, not that he raped me.

 

And I keep thinking, what does that guy think of me now.

 

When someone mentions my name, I don't want him thinking, "Oh ya, she slept with so-and-so".

It scares me.

I don't want someone thinking that we "hooked up. "

 

I don't want someone thinking of me and the rapist that way.

He raped me, and I don't want any mistakes about it.

 

I don't know, it makes me feel that the rapist has victory. If he can rape me and convince others that it was consensual, then......then he can do anything. He can erase the truth, me, what really happened.

He can get away with it.

 

Those are my initial thoughts anyways. But then I think, he can't get away with it. Because I'm alive. I'm the truth he almost destoyed.

As long as I'm alive, he won't be able to escape what he did. At least that's what I hope.

 

My boyfriend got me this book I'm dying to read. It's called, "God heal my hurt". At least I think that's the title.

 

I got it just the other day and I didn't know who it was from.

 

He told me today that he sent it.

 

Thank you so very much for listening guys, and for supporting me.

 

I've got to wash a few clothes and begin reading that book.

 

With love always,

 

Grace

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I really miss my old self.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I still look in the mirror and see the results of the rape. I really look forward to the day when I can look in the mirror and see the old me.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

My plan to go to bed early didn't work. I stayed up to watch Angelina on Dateline.

 

Looking at the condition of my body has gotten me down. I was so confident about losing the weight this morning.

 

I just looked at me, and I unrecognizable. I'm not the me that I'm used to.

 

I'm beginning to see that I'm not quite out of the woods yet. I have to shed the weight in order to be transformed into the person I was. And that's going to take a lot of hard work.

 

And then I have to worry about the whole, being thin, thing again.

 

I need to have a mindset change. I'm not quite sure how that will happen.

 

I'm afraid that once I'm down to my normal size that I'll always feel vunerable. I don't want men looking at me, or checking me out.

 

So, I have to figure something out. I want to be small again, but I don't know how I'll deal with the stuff that is likely to come along with it.

 

It's slightly discouraging. I feel like I'm working to solve one problem, only to end up with two more.

 

I don't know, maybe I just need some sleep.

 

I'm also frustrated because my kitten acts more like a dog than a cat. If I wanted a dog I would have gotten one.

 

Okay, I just put my kitten out of my room. She pisses everywhere, my room smells horrid.

 

She's not like a normal cat, she doesn't sit in one place while you rub her, she moves all around like a dog does.

 

There is piss on my mattress right now. I'm so frustrated. I want to give her away, but I know it'll just make me feel bad.

 

She is too much, she's not like a normal cat. She's picky, and her mother didn't potty train her.

 

I don't want to have a smelly apartment when I get married, or pick up crap forever. I mean that's why I have a cat to being with, they are effortless fun and comfort. They're sweet, you feed them and bathe them and they're good.

 

I can't take her peeing on my bed, it's disgusting. She does it daily. I realllly think I'm going to have to give her away. My room smells soooooooo bad! This is ridiculous.

 

I'm so tired, and I really don't want to go to work today.

 

I looked up the salary I should be receiving for the work that I do, and it's more than twice of what I'm receiving now.

 

If they want me to stay they are going to have to give me a serious raise. I'm already looking for another job, this salary won't do. Afterall I didn't go to college for nothing.

 

Things are kind of rough with my boss gone, let's just say, I don't really have any down time anymore. It makes you appreciate the concept of a team.

 

Do you know what it's like to sleep in a horrible stinky room? It's awful.

Her urine is sooooo powerful! I'm going to hire some one to deep clean my room. I hope they can get rid of the smell.

 

I love my little kitten, but how am I suppose to live like this?

 

She even peed on the top of my laptop.

 

I'm taking her in to be spaded after she's finished being in heat. From there things should change, otherwise I'm giving her away.

 

I won't be picking up crap on a daily basis for the next 14+ years of her life.

 

Well, the sleep medicine in kicking in.

 

Nighty-night guys!

 

Thank you for listening!!!

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@