:)

[Gracelove]

I hate coming to work when I'm emotionally trashed.

The doctor's appointment (gyn.) was really hard on me.

 

It just made me feel really uncomfortable, and I thought of things I really didn't want to think of.

 

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[Gracelove]

I feel so bad inside. I'm really hoping that therapy will help me get a handle on my emotions.

 

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[Gracelove]

Music can really help you feel good!

 

I'm listening to Ocean avenue by Yellowcard.

I loooooove this song!!!

 

It's definitely one of my favorites.

 

I tell you, I am so grateful for YouTube!

 

Anywho I have a new officemate, and unfortunately I'm not that fond of her.

 

I realllly miss the other guy, he was so much fun!!! We used to chat all of the time, and had things in common. He had a great personality.

 

But this new girl barely talks and is so unbelievably quite, it's weird.

And when she does talk, she talks so low that you can barely hear what she's saying. It's awful.

 

Three people they've hired for the position quit. They quit after a week, one quit after a month, I don't know how long the other was here.

 

But this girl looks like she's here to stay, it really sucks.

 

I know it's not nice for me to feel this way, but it's simply how I feel.

 

I'm feeling much better now. That particular visit to the gynecologist (sp?) wasn't so great.

 

It was my first time with that docotor, and it was on the verge of being painful.

 

I tell you if I hadn't M. (I'm at work to I don't want to type the word), last week, it would have definitely been painful.

 

I had this feeling that was slightly similar to a feeling I had during the incident. I mean, that was extremely, extrememly painful so this doesn't really compare. But it definitely made me think of that other thing.

 

So when I left the doctor's office I felt pretty badly.

 

Anywho, I work out with the trainer tonight, so that's good.

I met one of the girls that she trains, earlier today. She's really nice and fun to talk to.

 

I tell you, it sounds like working with this trainer is going to be purely painful.

Yet, I'm looking forward to it.

I'm guessing pain ='s results.

 

Gosh, I can't believe my break is almost over already!!!

 

Oh well,

 

Thanks for listening guys!!!

 

~Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

What a long day!

 

I'm tired, exhausted, drained. This day was good, and not so great, all together.

 

The papsmear was the worse. I'm still a little sensitive about people being in that area, even doctors.

 

I really am so glad to be able to go to a doctor and for them to make sure I'm healthy....but it's hard.

 

I just hope I don't feel too badly about it for too long.

It's just a feeling you have, and it just stays until it feels like going away.

 

And I have to get up so early to get my hair done, no sleeping in or relaxing.

And then I can't even do that on Sunday because at 3pm I have to go exercise.

 

Not like I sleep that long, but I like feeling like I have time to myself, to do whatever I want, no interruptions.

 

This doesn't get any easier, it just becomes different.

 

They had these ladies on the news today, they had been raped and have PTSD.

 

I don't know, sometimes........sometimes I feel like I don't have it anymore. Like I'm above it. But then in stressful situations it's there again. Like it never went away.

How could I be cursed with this forever? I don't believe that it's true.

I believe this goes away, no matter what anyone says.

 

I did really well with my calories today, so that's a plus.

 

Graduation.....it's not just a one-time only thing. There is the rehearsal as well. And I don't want to do that.

If you don't do that though, I don't believe you can walk so...I have to do it.

 

I'm like, you can torture me once, why twice?

Due to last weekend I am well aware of how I'm currently handling stressful situations.

 

I need protection, that's how I feel. All of those people, and I don't trust any of them.

 

I need to be more dependent on God than I am right now, but I'm just not.

 

I just want to get this thing over with already, I've wanted to get it over with for so long now.

I realllly need to put that part of my life, my past behind me.

It's not something I want hanging over my head any longer.

 

I need this closure, the abuse, the stalking, the rape. I desperately need the closure.

 

It's like it's just one last thing, one last thing to go through, suffer through.

Other people may be celebrating, but I won't.

 

But it's not about me, it's about my parents, and other people who want to see me walk? Why? What for? I don't know how I'll make it.

 

No therapy, no meds, all alone, dealing with this thing, it's too much. I can't be in that place anymore, with those people, and no matter how much it hurts how much I cry, no one cares. No one. They just want what they want. The fact that I'm struggling and stretching myself so thin doesn't matter to them.

 

Why is it so important to them? What about me? What part of traumatic, or too much for me don't they understand? They have no sympathy, espicially my mom.

But she has never been one for sympathy, so that's no big surprise.

 

I don't know, sometimes I really hate my life. But then I feel bad for saying that because there are good things and people in my life. They are important too.

 

I don't know, if I break, I break. And not like it matters to anyone else, because I'll be the only one cleaning up the mess.

 

I don't know, I'm just so through with it all.

 

Anywho, when we left the theater tonight there were still people lined up to go see the movie Spiderman.

The theater had 30 showings today.

 

It's so weird, I can still feel where the doctor stuck that thing inside me, it's crazy, that was so many hours ago.

 

Who knows, sometimes I wonder if I'm angry, and when the answer is no, I really feel that I should be. At least if I were angry, things might not seem so intimidating or over-whelming.

 

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[Gracelove]

It happened. I broke down. Crying uncontrolably.

I feel sick to my stomach, and the only thing I can do is wait it out.

 

It's the stress that has been building little by little, it's too much.

 

I haven't felt like this is sooo long. Truly hurt and physically sick. I have a strong urge to vomit that doesn't go away. I need sleeping pills, but I don't have any.

 

 

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[Gracelove]

It looks like I'll be sleeping downstairs tonight. I don't want to sleep in my room.

 

I slept for hours after my little episode. I still feel sad but it's not nearly as bad.

 

I cried for a least an hour, and soooo hard. My parents are so sweet, they just held me while I cried.

 

Today was a really rough day.

 

Usually I can go in my room and hide when I'm feeling down, but today, I was so distraught that I couldn't hide it. I would take a few steps and start crying. And I was crying so loud, but I didn't even care. It's like nothing around me mattered. I really hurting.

 

And then came the sickness, and then the chills.

 

I don't know.

 

Sleep really helped.

 

And then I went to see my friend Courtney, she was at her parents' house so I could walk right over.

 

And then our neighbor's dog.........I was sooooo upset!!! I should be able to walk around my own neighborhood without being charged at by dogs.

 

In case she's forgotten, we live in the state of California and there are leash laws.

And I wouldn't care if it was a nice dog, but it's so vicious, and it won't stay in it's yard.

 

I wish I had her phone number, but I don't. Either she keeps that thing locked up, I all the aspca (I think that's it), or it's me, the dog, and the bat.

 

I won't be afraid to walk around my neighborhood, and if that dog wants to leave his property to attack me, he's in for a rude awakening. I'm a great swinger. And as much stuff as I've been going through I doubt he wants to cross me.

Humans are animals too, and we are more than capable of protecting ourselves.

 

Anywho. There's something banging outside. I think it's the owls again!

They are sooo cute!!! I wish I had the opportunity to see them more often.

 

My dad said that he'll see what he can do to help with graudation, in regards to limiting the amount of time I have to be there. That's really sweet because I need it.

If I'm there too long I'll just lose it. I wish I had my mother's optimisim about the whole thing but I don't.

 

Anywho, I'll just let the tears come as they may. At least I'll try to let that be the case.

 

I hate being sick, it's the most horrible thing ever. I have therapy on Tuesday. But, what can one session do to help/prepare me, for leaving later in the week? I don't think it can do anything.

 

And I'm worried about having sex with my boyfriend. I'm scared, I just want him to hold me. And I know that he will.

But I mean, we've been apart for a while and I'm sure that he'll want it. But he never ever pressures me, he's totally understanding.

I usually pressure myself because I want to please him.

 

And just now, I just had a flashback. Ariel told me that the rapist said I wanted to please him.

I don't know, it's just so hurtful, and untrue. What's the matter with him?!

How could someone be so twisted. Is it just that they don't even know what they are doing? Realizing how badly they are hurting people.

 

That's such a mean thing to say. It's not fair for someone to do something so horrible to someone, and then say something like that.

I mean, something so arrogant, and.........I don't even know. That is just so hurtful.

You know it's like, when you want to please someone you're choosing to be submissive to them.

 

But to be raped, degraded, violated against your will, torn apart, and then for the rapist to describe that as someone wanting to be pleasing to him, it's so sickening.

 

And then when I went to the gynecologist (sp?) she gave me a talk about how it's so important that you report rape right away so that the person won't do it again.

 

Ya right! He did it many times before me and after me I'm sure.

 

He's quite experienced at being a rapist, I doubt one report will due much.

Espicially when he denies it and drugs people.

 

I couldn't drive myself to a hospital afterwards. I had to sleep the drugs off/ out of my system.

 

And Ariel sure as hell wasn't going to drive me because she wouldn't want to be charged as an accomplice.

 

I did what I could. What I was able to do. And that's that.

 

I did report it, when I could.

 

It's not my responsibility to single-handly track down the rapist.

 

It's his responsibility not to rape people. Why does the burden have to fall on me? I did the best I could.

 

I don't know what to do, it still bothers me, and it still hurts so badly.

 

Should I except that this is the way it will always be??? That I'll always have these feelings? That it will always hurt this much?

 

What have I been doing for the last few months? Running away? Hiding away in my own world?

 

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I don't think I'm tired anymore. I don't know, being tired doesn't get you a break. I think I'm used to the strife. Life gets miserable but it keeps on going.

And what am I supposed to do? Go to therapy for the rest of my life? It's so expensive, and I'll be going every week.

Insurance won't cover my sessions.

 

I can't give up either. That's another hard thing. I can't give up, I don't have a choice. I have to live, function to some degree, eat, survive.

 

I'm just hoping after graduation, I'll feel good, great, more free.

 

I don't like being confinded to a bed all day because I'm so depressed, or too sick to get out of it. That's not fun, it's not anything but painful.

 

And God, I love him, but I feel distant. Distant because I don't really like myself too much sometimes. How can I like myself when I'm always in pain? How can I like that? How can I like myself when I'm living this type of life? I want to be happy again, care free again. And the only time that I get close to that is when I act, pretend, that things are that way.

 

And I just hurt inside all day, and nothing helps it. And I'm getting worse again.

Today was a horrible day. Today was like old days, shortly after the rape.

That's no way to live, that's not a life!

 

It's not a life.

 

I feel unsafe again.

I don't want to sleep in my room again. I don' want to go to sleep by myself, again.

I don't want to sleep, again.

 

And I Don't Want To Relive This Freakin Mess, AGAIN!

 

I don't want to live a nightmare again, I don't.

 

I don't know, I need someone to do something. Teach me something, some type of tool or technique, something to make this go away.

 

Today I thought of reading self-help books, or maybe a book on rape recovery.

I don't know, I can talk about rape, vauguely. Not getting really deep into it. Because talking about it that way is painful.

I don't want to be in pain anymore. I'm tired of being in pain.

It's been more than a year and that's more than enough.

It need something to take this away.

 

I've learned my lesson, I've learned how to be more catious than I was before. I've learned that not everyone is a friend.

I've learned how to be stronger, I'm much stronger than I was.

 

What else is there left to learn? Why would I possibly need to carry this pain with me any longer.

 

And the worse thing is that I can't seem to control it. And I've heard people say, "You've just got to let it out, let it all out.". Okay, I've done that, what else can I let out?

I've been angry, I've been devastated, I've been sick, I've been everything. How do I let it out? How am I supposed to let this all out so that I won't have it anymore.

 

They say, "talk about it", well, I've done that. I've talked about it until it makes me sick, and I keep talking. What else? What else can I do?

 

I don't want medicine anymore. I don't want to be doped up to have a half-way managable life.

 

I don't want that, he (the rapist), should be on drugs, not me.

 

I didn't do anything wrong, why do I have to suffer.

 

And I don't think it has anything to do with forgiveness. Initially, I forgave him.

It didn't make anything go away. I still went through hell. My life only got worse.

 

With this thing, it's not like I can just forgive him, and I'm set free.

I've tried it, it doesn't work that way.

 

That pain only seems to grow, and grow, and you're left with no where to place the blame.

 

If he's out of the picture the blame falls on that girl. And if she's out of the picture the blame falls on me.

But that isn't possible because I didn't rape myself.

 

And it's not even about him paying for it anymore. I know he'll pay for it one day.

But I don't care.

 

Him paying for it doesn't end my suffering.

 

How can someone do something so hugely profound and destructive as rape.

 

How can I get the images out of my head? How can I get rid of feelings and triggers?

How can I keep one thing from destroying me?

 

It's like if someone were to put a programming chip in your brain that surgery couldn't remove.

 

Where is my cure for rape???

 

Where is the cure for rape???

 

What about a pill that grants memory loss? But then people say, "the body remembers what the mind forgets"....well that's just great! One more problem.

 

I don't want to live my life as a raped person. I honestly don't.

What a heavy burden to carry with you for the rest of your life.

I don't think I deserve that type of condemnation.

 

And all because of some stupid, ignorant, evil............what would his mother think? She should be ashamed for birthing such a monster onto this planet!

 

A rapist! What did she raise him to be?! She couldn't have done a better job?!

She couldn't have gotten him some type of freakin help?!!! Obviously he hates women!

 

I honestly hope he goes to jail so that he can be raped multiple times and will know what it feels like.

 

What a sick, demented person. A perfect stanger. How could he do it to someone he just met?! What the hell is wrong with him.

 

You can't just pick people and decide you want to rape them.

And to have a woman help you get girls?! I mean pathetic.

They deserve each other. I don't know....I don't know. Evil, evil people. To walk around and look normal. To befriend a person for 3 and 1/2 years, just to set them up for rape!!!!

D*** sociopaths!!!

 

It's so frustrating that people like that are just free to walk the planet and destoy whomever.

 

But I'll tell you something. I won't let them destroy me. They almost killed me, but it didn't work. They weren't sucessful.

 

I'm still here. And I may not be living the perfect life, but I am still living.

So they lost.

 

Anyways, they're not worth my life. They're scum. Absolutely scum.

And one day I hope they drown in their own mess.

 

Because they deserve no better.

 

I hope he gets stabbed by on of his rape victims, while he's sleeping, after he's done, that filthy pig!!!

 

What a shock right? For the vicitim to take something away from him. He thinks he's God, I know he does. He think he's untouchable, powerful....if only that could happen to him.

If a victim beat him at his own game.

I bet he has never been stabbed before after raping someone.

 

Do you think that would make him stop? Do you think he'd learn anything? I don't. Evil like that doesn't care, doesn't learn.

 

I wonder how violent he is now. He was so violent with me, I'm sure he's worse now.

 

I hope someone catches him in the act. And that he gets dragged away by the victims family and beaten into a coma.

 

It would be a truly wonderful gift to society.

 

But no one knows what will happen to him. No one but God, but I know he'll get his.

 

Anywho, I'll just keep talking about things.

 

 

But I'm really freaking out about graduation. There was last weekend, and then today.....that's only a week apart, and the episode was so much worse this time....what am I going to do?

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm trying to decide whether or not to go to the gym and meet my trainer today.

 

I've been feeling like crap since yesterday. I don't want my trainer barking at me. Espicially since I'm feeling a little sick still.

 

I don't know. I think it'll be better for me to start after graduation. I'd like to eliminate one stressor (graduation), before adding another.

 

 

 

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[Gracelove]

I am so happy!!! I have the best personal trainer ever!!!

 

I was feeling so crapy, and down, and freaking out, etc. etc.

And she managed to talk me into coming in.

 

She told me if after working out for a few minutes, I wanted to go home, then I could feel free to go.

 

And she explained to me why when you're really stressed emotionally you can become physically sick.

 

Oh my gosh! I'm so grateful that she is so nice. She told me that if I didn't come in then she couldn't help me fight my depression. And that she really wanted to help me, and believed that the workout would help.

 

I feel soooo good!!! That workout was sooooooooo hard, but so worth it!!

 

I'm so grateful to God! He has put these people around me to help me. I'm just so grateful.

Because I really didn't want to go, and I was feeling frustrated but I'm much better now.

 

See I should never doubt God, not even for a second. He always turns things around for me...turns my frown upside down.

 

This is good, really, really good.

 

I can't believe how I feel now compared to a couple of hours ago.

 

Now I see how celebreties lose weight so fast! I've had a trainer before, but he was nothing like this girl. That workout was something else.

I hope I'll be able to drive to work tomorrow.

 

Thank you guys so very much for listening to me all of the time!

I know I go on and on. This place is so theraputic for me, and it wouldnt' be, without all of the wonderful people who make it up.

 

Thanks so much!!!

 

With love always,

 

Grace

[Gracelove]

It's a nice day today. I get to see my trainer again today, so I'm so excited.

 

There is this new girl I share my office with. On Friday my boss and I were having a conversation (not at all work-related), and today the new girl starts asking him questions about it.

 

I was kind of surprised considering she wasn't apart of the Friday conversation, and it's now Monday.

 

So I kind of see where this is going. Unless I'm in his office, any private conversation we're having, she'll make herself apart of. I think that's kind of rude, but she's of a different culture, so maybe not. She also kept winking at me today, which is weird, maybe that's a cultural thing as well.

 

Anywho, I'll be seeing my boyfriend this week, so that's really exciting. I'm just concerned about the traveling. Unless I'm asleep, flying always gives me plenty of opportunity to think, and to be honest, I don't want to do too much thinking right now.

 

I still have those feelings of sadness, but it's not overwhelming.

 

I feel so sorry for my parents. I guess no matter how old you get, they will always see you as their little baby.

 

When I was crying they rushed up to where I was. And later my dad kneeled(sp?) beside my bed with his arm around me while I was crying. He was really sad.

 

Sometimes it just gets rough, and in those times there is nothing to can really do.

 

Now that people are sending in many graduation cards and gifts, I'm beginning to think more about the wedding.

 

How many people will be there; how much it will cost? It's a really special thing to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

 

My song to him is "The Color of Love" by Sade. It's exactly how I feel about us.

 

He is so precious. No one else would ever do. I'm so in love with him, and he's such a wonderful man. I'm so blessed to have him. He's definitely a gift from God, one that I'll eternally be grateful for.

 

Today I'm going to buy my graduation present I think. There is this bracelet I've been wanting. It's pink sapphire and so cute. It is white gold and has a pink heart, which is totally a representation on me. I love hearts and the word "love".

 

Graduation rehearsal and the actual graduation are going to be a great challenge for me, but with my family by me I know I'll make it through.

 

All you can do is live life, and it doesn't help to feel shameful of the hard times.

 

Anywho, I guess that's about all that is going on for now.

 

I hope you all have a wonderful day!!!

 

Sincerely,

 

Grace

[Gracelove]

The graham crackers and tuna were actually really good!!!

 

For a second, I thought it would upset my stomach, but it was quite delightful.

 

I'm really feeling yesterday's workout right about now. And the trainer wants to work on my arms again today.

 

I think I might have to pop a couple of extra-strength tylenol prior to the workout today. I think my arms will be really sore.

 

Well, I'm off to get a red bull!!! Yum, yum!!!

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm listening to "Love Song" by 311.

 

I love this song.

 

I am so nervous about seeing my boyfriend. He is so many things. Sometimes is seems childish or immature, but other times he's serious, adult, and dominating.

I don't know, he's really sexy.

I really love him.

He amazes me sometimes.

 

It's hard sometimes. I was so dependent on him. No one could separate me from him. The only reason I left was because he encouraged me to go.

 

He's great, if I wouldn't have left, I wouldn't be graduating now.

 

I just get nervous sometimes. My parents will be returning home before me. I'll be down there with him.

 

It's like a shift, because I'm used to being under the protection of my parents now.

 

I guess that's just me. Transitions are emotionally challenging.

 

I really want to learn how to play the guitar. I'm sure my sister would teach me, but she's living in Spain right now.

 

She's so lucky.

 

I want to learn many languages. She is already on her second language (aside from English that is, she knows French and Spanish fluently).

 

She is such a free spirit. She does whatever she wants to do. She's a half-sister I might add.

 

I have no interest in French, I don't like the way it sounds.

But I do want to learn Spanish and Italian.

I'm pretty good with my Spanish already.

 

My boyfriend is on the phone with me, LOL! I'm always doing three things at once.

 

I sent my boyfriend some packages and he didn't pick them up, so now he may not get them. Problem is I already paid for them.

 

He always acts like he's to busy to do anything. Grrr!

Whatever.

 

That's the immature part I'm talking about.

If someone sends me a gift, I'll definitely pick it up.

 

Anyways, I'll finish writing later.

 

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[Gracelove]

I guess it's only natural for anger to follow extreme sadness.

 

I feel so stressed right now.

 

I was soooo angry, and now I'm just feeling sad (I guess it goes back and forth). I don't know, it was the end of the work day that got to me. Some of the people at work.........I want to strangle them, and it's always the same people.

 

They do something to violate the rules, then tell me that I need to do this and that so that they don't get in trouble. It's sooooo annoying!

 

I don't even know why I do it for the sometimes (although sometimes I don't). I don't know, they are just rude about the whole thing and it's not even something that I have to do, they're asking for a favor.

I should just do like my boss, say "no" and hang up the phone.

 

My head really hurts. The closer it gets to graduation the more agitated I become.

 

I don't feel ready for all of this, not right now.

 

I hate feeling like this. My head just feels so horribly.

 

I have therapy tomorrow, so that's good. I hope anyways, usually therapy is so emotionally draining.

 

And then my cat is so old. And she's having difficulty breathing, and it's hard for me to take. I really love her. I don't know, everything is rough right now. Maybe I just need to lay down.

 

I wonder what's literally going on in my head when it feels this way. What's emitting the horrible sensation?

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm laying down and I'm still angry.

 

Yesterday we focused on my arms but I can feel it in my abs too.

 

I want to go tonight, but there is no way I'm going. I'm in too much of a bad mood.

 

I don't know, it's weird. She used to ask me when I was available to come in, now she just tells me I'm coming in on this day, or that day.

 

First I was coming in on Wed or Thrus. and then on weekend days.

 

She changed it from being on Mondays, because there are so many peole there on that day.

 

I don't know, I really want to go. It feels good working out, even though it's really hard.

 

I was suppose to go buy my bracelet today, but I don't even feel like it.

 

I feel angry. I don't know, that's not a good emotion. I don't like feeling angry.

 

Usually after being angry for a while I'll just cry because I don't know what to do with the anger.

 

My boyfriend said he was going to take a nap, but I kind of feel like calling him.

 

Oh my gosh, it's so hot today!

 

I love my city!!! They are on it, when it comes to technology. I'm happy to live in such a sophisticated place.

 

My parents are so fortunate to have this house. I hope that one day, I'll be able to afford a house like this.

 

Where would I even being? I don't know, what kind of Master's degree would I have to have?

 

What am I going to do with my future?

 

You know what? I think I'm angry about having to go to graduation. I think that's it. I mean, that makes sense anyways.

 

I keep wondering if my boyfriend and I are going to have to live some place else when he first comes out here.

The place I want to live is kind of pricey. I don't know, would my parents help me out?

 

I wouldn't really want them to, I'll be married, that's when I'm supposed to be enjoying independence.

 

I should go check the mail. Maybe there are some cards there that will cheer me up.

 

I really don't like feeling angry, it's really very uncomfortable.

 

I don't even know if it's anger. I think it's frustration.

 

I don't know how many times I've considered quitting my job already.

But then I really don't want to quit because I'd be so bored.

 

Even though I really don't like work sometimes, I think it's good for my esteem.

 

Anywho....I'm off to distract myself.

 

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm at home at last!!!! Whew! I'm so happy about that.

 

I left work a while ago. Actually I called in earlier informing my boss that I was only coming in for a little while.

 

I really shouldn't have gone to work but, I like my boss and wanted to help him out with some stuff.

 

Talk about a crazy morning. I was sooooo stressed! To the point where I was boredlined not-being-able-to-function.

 

It was awful. My new therapist wasn't able to bump up my appointment time, so I went shopping!

 

Isn't that great.

 

You would think that shopping would only add more stress, but it was the opposite!

 

I went to the mall to buy that bracelet I've been wanting. I figured getting something pretty for myself might help me feel better.

 

Earlier I felt sooo bad, I mean on the verge of breaking down into tears, and I had that crazy feeling in my head and everything.

 

I bought the bracelet and started to feel a little better. I was going to leave because I didn't really feel like shopping.

 

But then my best-friend texted me and I started to feel a little better.

 

My eyebrows really needed to be done, and there is this place in the mall where I've been dying to go. They are so popular that you need an appointment in advance.

 

But I got there and I was able to fit in!!! I was so happy, and they did such an amazing job!

 

So then I look in the mirror. It's one that shows your upper body, and I looked soooo beautiful! My hair and my makeup and eyebrows, everything looked great!!!

 

So then I was really feeling better. I decided to stop at Origins for some salt rub. After that I purchased some cute sunshades, nice and dark. So if I'm at graduation and feel like crying, all I have to do is throw on the shades and no one will be able to tell.

After purchasing the shades I did a little shopping.

 

Shopping was okay, I found some really nice tops. But then, in the dressing room, there is a full length mirror.

 

Here is where my esteem started to drop a bit.

You know, it seems like I'm never quite together...

 

When I had the perfect body, I didn't quite know how to dress.

And then when I had the body and the clothes, I didn't care about my hair or makeup.

 

And then it's like I finally got it right ( after 22 years ), the hair, and make-up, the body and the clothes....I was doing that for 2 weeks tops...then the rape.

 

But not like that really matters, because even though I looked perfect on the outside, I was sad and hurting on the inside.

 

I don't know it just seems like I never have it all together.

 

And now I have the face the makeup, and hair, but my body......well we all know about that.

 

Honestly if I could just get my arms a little smaller I'd be happier. Everything else is less glaring.

 

Why can't I just, not, be so considered with my looks???

 

I think I know why. It's because I can't focus on my inner beauty, because inside I'm hurting and angry. And there is nothing beautiful about that.

 

So I'm trying to rely on my outer beauty to give me esteem, but since my body isn't in the shape it should be in, that's failing me also.

 

I hoping volunteering will help, but I won't be able to start that until next month it looks like.

 

So, here I am. Me, and I'm an okay person, except I'm not happy. And that's so hard to deal with.

 

I want to be less critical of myself. That way I can focus on more important things like a career, a family, and helping other people.

 

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[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh!!!

 

I forgot something! Do you know how I woke up this morning?!

 

I woke up to my cat peeing on my arm, LOL!!!!

 

Although it wasn't funny at the time.

 

Oh My Gosh!!! They have this "Real World" catch-up show I guess.

 

This guy cheated on his girlfriend, and she became angry (naturally). Then he started screaming at her and pulling her because he said she wasn't "listening".

 

LOL! Some people are so crazy!

 

I was soooooo glad when he got arrested.

 

You can't pull people around and force them to do what you want them to simply because you're bigger and stronger than they are.

 

He's like one of my ex-boyfriends. He's big, dumb, oppressive, and hasn't got a clue.

A big, huge, over-sized baby to be exact.

 

And everyone seems to be sleeping with everyone and cheating on their significant others.

 

And then........I don't even know. This show is crazy!

 

I'm so sleepy, I want nothing more than to lay down and rest, but I've got to fight traffic to see my new therapist.

 

I got no sleep last night, my parents don't have air conditioning.

 

It was sooooo hot!!! I couldn't even sleep in my room upstairs.

I had to sleep downstairs on the couch, the uncomfortable one. With the sliding door open, just so I could get some relief.

 

LOL!!! Looking at this 'Real World' update-show and it looks like I'm not the only one concerned with my looks, LOL! This one girl, is going completely psycho. It's kind of scary actually. And all because someone told her she wasn't that pretty, I can't believe her reaction?!!!

 

Wow! She looks demonic, and is talking about killing the person with her bare hands. That's really scary.

 

Anywho, what was I talking about? Oh ya, how hot is was, and how I got no sleep.

 

And then for my kitten to pee on me! I know my other cat must think she is the most disgusting thing, LOL! She won't use her poop-box unless it is cleaned twice a day (morning and night).

 

I love my little kitten, but thanks to her I have to wash my sheets once again. And she peed on my IKEA mattress pad, and that's not so easy to wash.

 

Oh, I better go check her water dish.

 

Thanks for listening guys!!!

 

~Grace

 

 

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[Gracelove]

Me again!!! I know I'm so chatty.

 

I think I'm nervous about my therapy appointment, really nervous actually. So I'll just chat until it's time to drive out there.

 

I received more cards and gifts in the mail. At the rate I'm going it looks like these gifts will pay off my credit cards.

 

I try to personalize the thank-you notes. It's rough though because a lot of these people I don't remember. A lot of them are my parents' friends, and I don't always have memories of interactions with them.

Usually it's a 'hello' or a hug, small talk, and that's it.

 

So I guess I'm going to have to create a generic statement of thanks, as I did for highschool graduation.

 

I miss my boyfriend so much! And I feel so guilty for not looking my best for him.

If anyone deserves a sexy girlfriend it's him. He's so wonderful to me. I want to be better for him.

 

I lack patience. You would think after all this time, after this experience......that I would be the most patient person in the whole world.

 

Where is my quick fix method? Where is that magic pill that's supposed to fix all of my problems, or at least make me what I was before.

 

I tell myself that I should be more optimistic, and sometimes I am...but my optimism doesn't seem to change things much.

 

It's easy to be graceful when everything is going your way. It's quite a different story when things are turned upside down.

 

"What am I going to do? What am I going to do?", that's what runs through my mind constantly. How to get out of this.

 

I won't live with this all of my life. I won't live with this for even another year.

 

How does anyone have the patience to work through rape for years?! How is it even possible?!

 

Ahhh!!!

 

I really miss my boyfriend.

 

I know I'm back and forth a lot right now, but I'm feeling overwhelmed.

 

With seeing my boyfriend, the therapist, graduation, traveling, the weight, the workout program, all of it.......it's a lot for me right now. An awful lot.

 

And then, in the back of my mind.......that girl! Ariel, what if she's at graduation? What if she even goes so far as to invite my rapist, what then?

 

I never want to see their faces again, but if I attend graduation I won't be able to control what I see.

 

I don't need to see that, I don't need to see them. They took so much from me.

 

It would be a completely different story if I was all better, if I was over it. If I was okay, I wouldn't care.

 

But I'm not okay, not yet. I wanted to be okay by now, but it just hasn't happened yet.

 

And I know recovery won't fall in my lap, which is why I'm getting therapy, and have a personal trainer now. I want to get better, I truly do.

 

I've learned to be patient in the sense that......instead of freaking out and absolutely losing it because of my situation........I just breathe, or cry if I need to, or lay down.

 

I don't want to be a baby inside. I don't want to surpress my shame so that it grows.

 

I want to purge myself of this whole thing. I want to bleed it out of my system, I want it gone.

 

And more than anything, I want to change my past. I want that thing to not have happened to me.

I want to change my past.

 

Well, my boyfriend is on the phone, and it's time for me to leave now anyways.

 

Wish me luck!!!

 

Bye!

 

Thanks for listening!

 

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[Gracelove]

My mom makes me sooo angry!!!

 

I'm not talking to Bianca right, because she's not a friend, she's annoying and negative.

 

My mom always says that she can always tell when I've talked on the phone with Bianca, and constantly implies that she's a negative influence.

 

So Bianca calls my home phone because I don't answer the calls she makes to my cell phone.

 

I tell her that I don't want to talk to Bianca, and she goes back and tells her, "Grace isn't coming, she doesn't want to talk".

 

I am so angry right now. The only reason I'm going to that stupid graduation is because of her (my mom). And she's trying to make things more difficult and awkward for me when I get there.

 

I would never do that to her. That's so mean. And she did it on purpose. And she had this mischeivious (sp?) smile on her face.

 

This isn't easy, not at all, and she's purposely making it harder.

 

Therapy was good for me. My new therapist is very insightful. She asked me questions about my family, etc. By the end of the session she concluded that my mother tries to run my life.

 

And then when we were watching Oprah today (I taped it), a lady was being abused on the show, and do you want to know what my mom said.........."What a nice bedspread".

 

So annoying! Who cares about the d*** bedspread?!

 

Later she mentioned that the guy was crazy or something to that affect.

 

Anyways I don't want to be around her right now. She really upset me.

 

Although I am absolutely not looking forward to sleeping on my cat-piss sheets.

Or sleeping in this hot room.

Or waking up to go to work tomorrow.

 

Life isn't good right now and my mom just made it worse.

 

All she had to say was, "Grace is busy", is that so hard?!

 

Whatever, she'll never change.

 

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[Gracelove]

Okay I have to vent, I am so hurt.

 

This graduation thing is so horrible because I feel it's a total disregard for my feelings and emotional healing.

 

It's all about what my parents want, mostly my mom, and that's it.

 

I would have said no a long time ago but I'm pretty sure they would have kicked me out of the house as a retaliation.

 

And then I would have no where to go. I can't afford to live int his city, and my boyfriend doesn't want me living with him.

 

So I pretty much feel that no one wants me and I have no options.

 

It sucks. I'm going to graduation to keep the peace because I know how my mom gets when she's angry.

 

And both of my parents became very angry when I told them I wasn't walking months ago.

 

I don't know, I'm just really sad. Really, really sad.

 

I don't know, I just want to quit work, I want to quit everything.

 

It's not worth it, none of this is worth it, I'm trapped.

 

If I see my rapist or that girl there, I will resent my parents forever, I just know it.

Because they couldn't protect me then and they don't care to protect me now.

 

They put their desires above my health, and parents should never do that.

 

I'm just beyond through. I give up. I totally give up.

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm still up.

 

My window is open of course (it's so hot in my house).

 

My cat heard some other cat outside screaming. Then I guess she felt the need to communicate, so she kept at it long after the other cat stopped.

 

If I hadn't taken tylenol nighttime pills yet I would have gone outsite looking for the cat to see whether it was okay.

 

But I was half-sleep so I didn't care.

 

My cat keeps calling out for the other cat. I'm soooo tried, but I can't fall asleep with her meowing so loud.

 

Hopefully she'll stop now.

[Gracelove]

Hey Guys!!!

 

I'm feeling so much better today.

Although my kitten did chat it up with the other cat allll night long!

 

Talk about rough, but I feel bad kicking her out of my room, so I didn't put her in the bathroom as I should have.

Her late night escapade (sp?) definitely kept me up.

 

I was so happy today. I came into work, and everything was okay. I was worried that my boss might be upset about me taking off yesterday, but he wasn't at all!

 

I was like, "Thank you Jesus!". I really needed that.

I think God always knows when you're doing your best, and is very merciful as a result.

 

I didn't need to feel worse about taking off yesterday, yesterday was rough enough.

 

I'm feeling okay about leaving tomorrow, I think it's because I'm so excited about seeing my boyfriend now, although I am slightly nervous as well.

 

I don't know, I think....I think I'll be okay with the graduation thing. I'll just pretend that it's no big deal, and hopefullly, as a result, it will be okay.

 

Anywho, I'm soooo tired.

But today is definitely better than yesterday.

 

I hope you guys have a beautiful day today!!!

 

~Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

I am so nervous I feel sick to my stomach. I think it's fear.

 

I hope this feeling doesn't last long.

 

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[Gracelove]

I hate wearing fake nails, I've worn them once before, and there were so much trouble.

 

But I want my nails to always look perfect while I'm away, no fading nail polish, so I may get them.

 

Decisions, decisions..........

 

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[Gracelove]

I spent 50 freakin minutes trying to get my laptop to work and I am throughly frustrated.

 

Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Okay, I had to let that out.

 

I'm sad, yes, what else is new. But I mostly attribute it to it being hot in this house and..........I just forgot the other thing.

 

Anyways, I'm freakin. Oh that's it, the fact that my kitten kept me up allllll night long!

 

I don't know what got into her, it's like she lost it for a while.

 

Anywho, I feel like crying. Why you might ask? Because whenever I get realllllllly stressed I break down into tears, for some stupid, irrational reason.

 

 

And since my laptop won't work I'm forced to work on this computer in my dad's hot office!!!

 

And then my boyfriend's apartment got flooded today, so when I go down there I have to spend money on a freaking hotel! It's like could anything just simply go well, please?

 

So it looks like I'll be helping to move furniture so they can put in a new floor.

 

Gosh, I'm going to be such a drunkard when I get there. Drink, drink, drink, that's all I'm going to do.

 

Any and every flavor of alcohol known to man.

 

I'm angry and frustrated and frustrated and angry.

 

okay, maybe not so much. Sometimes things get so crazy you just have to shrug your shoulders and smile.

 

I have the best boss ever. I'm so glad that he didn't make my absense and issue.

 

I'm tired. I'm just tired.

You know how you get tired of stressing about everything?

 

And I don't think I'd stress so much if i wasn't really concerned about my safety.

 

So I'm always alert, I'm always tense. I can never just relax, because I've always got to have my eye open just in case something were to happen.

 

My new therapist, didn't think it was such a bright idea to try to lose weight right now. She feels that we have to deal with my safety issues first, which is the reason I put on the weight to begin with.

 

I mean, she does have a point.

 

I really don't want to break down or anything, but I just want to go to my room right now, lay down and cry.

 

But I can't do that because my freakin laptop won't work.

 

And I need to search the internet to help me feel better.

 

You know what I really need to do??? Go shopping.

 

I didn't get all of my shopping done yesterday. And I leave tomorrow so I won't have time.

 

I Hate, absolutely HATE traveling with my parents. They are both absolute control freaks.

Three people (my mom, my dad, and I) can't control me all at the same time.

 

Gosh, this is such a receipe for disaster. Somebody help me?!

 

And I didn't want to fly down with them, I was going to fly out on another day, I told my dad that I was getting my own ticket.

 

And I guess you can figure out what he did.

 

He went ahead and bought my ticket anyways!!!!!!!!!! Against my will, and pressured me into telling my boss that I was leaving sooner than expected.

 

See why they annoy me!!!!!!

 

Gosh, it's so freakin hard to manage my stress level around these people. Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

I need to go lay down.

 

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[Gracelove]

I don't know what to do. Should I get a hotel? Another strange environment.

 

I think I will get one, but my stay there will be really expensive. Should I get it anyways???

 

It's pet-friendly, so my boyfriends cat can come.

 

The only thing is...I'm comfortable in my boyfriend's place.

I lived there after my rape, I know that place, I feel comfortable there.

 

A hotel is a different situation. A new environment, people have keys, although I can always put on a double lock.

 

When I look out the window, I'll see a strange place. I'll be alone all day in a strange place, my boyfriend will be at work. I won't have a car.

 

I'll be isolated. I don't want anymore changes!

I don't want that.

I'm sorry but it's just the way I am right now.

 

I'm trying to look out for me, my safety. And I can't do that when I'm constantly faced with these obstacles.

 

And my cat is crying again! I feel so sorry for her, ya know.

 

But I am...........I don't know. I'm tired of my mom's just "pull-yourself-up" speeches.

 

Well sorry miss missy, if it were that easy there would be starving therapists.

 

I feel like I'm surrounded by people who don't understand.

And that's why I never try to explain anything.

 

Then when I get a therapist, and I see that my environment is stifling, it upsets me.

 

Where is the help when you need it?

 

My kitten and cat are facing off, I can hear it right now.

They are so funny. They just make a bunch of noises at each other.

 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I can't scream out loud so............

 

My mom wil be home soon. I wish I were drunk right now. Drunk and carefree.

 

Anyways, I'm tired.

 

I think that's where a lot of frustration is coming from also.

 

I want to wake up early so that I can pack, but what if I'm unable to.

 

The nightmare begins. Both of my parents are home, and they've already started asking questions.

 

They allllways ask me questions.

 

Oh well,I give.

 

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[Gracelove]

Okay, I've decided to be more adult. I got the hotel. I'll splurge.

I could die tomorrow, so what's all the fuss about, right?

 

I've been afraid ya know. And I try to play the, what's-the-worse-that-can-happen game.

But if I were raped again that would be pretty bad. I've never been so out of control in my life.

When you're raped.....for a while you don't control much of anything. Your brain is somewhere out in space. And you're a numb zombie. Aside from nausea and fear you don't feel much of anything.

 

Gosh, I miss my boyfriend so much. He was there for me, he was my protector. I was okay when I was with him. I was okay to be myself, feel free.

 

Life is unpredictable. What can you say?

You've just got to roll with it.

 

But I don't want to go to the other side ya know, I don't want to get so desperate to feel safe that I become reckless, because then something bad can really happen.

 

I've got to find the middle, and I guess that's what therapy is for.

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Oh my gosh, they are talking about illegal immigration again!

 

It's just not fair. I can't go over to France and declare myself a citizen just because I feel like it.

 

And then they don't pay taxes like the rest of us do, but they get social services, free education, etc.

 

That's like me, stealing an ipod from Walmart, then becoming upset because they want to arrest me for it.

 

What leg would I have to stand on (what would possibly be my defense)?

 

And let's suppose that on top of that I have the nerve to tell them they should throw in a free itunes gift certificate!

 

People would think I was absolutely insane don't ya think? But that's what is happening.

 

It doesn't make any sense!

 

It's not fair to the citizens here.

 

I don't think anyone has anything against immigrants, afterall who doesn't love experiencing different cultures? It's ILLEGAL immgrants that people have a problem with.

 

Goodness grief, I'm sooooo tired of hearing about this issue, over and over again.

 

Why is it even an issue? If you're here illegally you broke the law.

 

What do you think would happen if I flew to

Spain and decided to stay, without permission? Do you think they would have a big debate about it???

 

Hell no!!! They would kick my a** out, and no one would complain or lose any sleep over it, because that is the way countries work.

 

I mean afterall, there is such a thing as citizenship. It's not just some meaningless word.

 

I swear I just want to scream hearing about this all of the time.

 

I mean there are consequences to everything! Just accept them.

If I was little and I did something wrong, there was a consequence for it.

 

Just like when I missed work yesterday, I knew the consequence could be that I would lose my job. But I weighed the consequences and decided that leaving was the best thing for me.

 

If they fired me do you think I'd have the right to complain?!

Absolutely not!

 

Would I be sad? Most definitely, but I'd have no one to blame but myself. Because I made the choice.

 

It's just so frustrating the way this country is going.

 

We are having all of these natural disasters due to global warming. And the don't have the equipment to re-build towns because machinery is in Iraq. Great!

 

Just great. I mean the government can't expect for people to not notice these things.

People aren't stupid. We have eyes and brains, we can see what's going on.

 

It's just so sad.

 

I try not to talk about anything political, or say anything that I feel will be offensive. But whatever, I'm calling it, "like I see it".

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

Anywho, it's not like I need to add to my stress, LOL!

 

Well, I better get ready for bed. Hopefully my cat won't scream all night long.

 

There is so much to do, I leave tomorrow and I haven't even packed yet.

 

I'll take my sleep-aid while on the plane. I'm trying to decide between that and alcohol.

 

Last time I flew I had a Vodka and cranberry, and that knocked me right out.

 

As one of my therapists pointed out, I have a fondness for alcohol.

I may not drink it everyday or every week, but I obviously like it.

Maybe that's the Irish in me.

 

Oh well!

 

There is a slight problem though. Alcohol really messes with my stomach these days. It's like my body all of a sudden decided that it had enough, and forgot to send me the memo I might add.

 

Whatever, I need sleep. But I hate going to sleep when I'm like this. Emotional, nervous, concerned.

It's never a good thing.

I usually have to stay up in order to completely wear myself out.

 

I don't know, LOL, like always huh?

 

Well anyways, thanks for listening!!!

 

With love always,

 

Grace

 

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