:)

[Gracelove]

Again I turn to alcohol to alieve (sp?) the pain.

 

I went to the trainer and I can't even start until I get a doctor's notice. Which means I'll have to take off work to drive over to the office, and get it signed.

 

They print out papers and they want the doctor to sign those specific papers.

 

It's so stupid, I pay $1,500 and I can't even start without the doctors permission?

 

I don't know. I'm discouraged. I already have to live with the fact that I'm over-weight.

Now I feel like I'm being punished because I have depression.

I didn't have any of these problems until I was raped.

 

Before I was cute, a really small size and depression free.

This sucks. And who has to pay? I have to pay. I always have to pay for what that jerk did. I have to live with it constantly.

It's so not fair.

 

What is he paying for? What?

 

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[Gracelove]

Good morning guys!!!

 

I'm so glad it's Thrusday!!!!

 

I slept so well last night.

 

I think that the vibrators are realllllly helpful. I don't think I'll feel uncomfortable being intimate with my boyfriend.

 

Last time we did it, I had to have alcohol in my system, and at times I felt uncomfortable...I was going through a phase where I was having trouble separating the rape from......well, I was having flashbacks, LOL, that's a much easier way to say it.

 

Even this time when I purchased the vibrators, I had to drink alcohol first.

 

But last night I tried it without alcohol.

 

I don't think masturbating is bad anymore. I think that it has it's place and can be quite helpful.

 

I guess I'm learning more about it. So I don't feel uncomfortable anymore.

 

If I can keep this up, then everything should be perfect when I see my boyfriend.

 

It has been a journey, and I'm not saying it's over yet, but I'm finding ways to deal with these problems.

 

It's hard not to think "what if".

 

I think even now I have to say the word "rape", just so I won't feel funny about the whole thing.

 

I get tired of using that word sometimes, but I think it's good for me to use.

 

At one point I wouldn't even use that word, LOL, I would only say "sexual assult". The word "rape" was just too much for me to hear.

 

But now I can say it. I know rape is a big deal. But I'm hoping that using the word will help me out a lot. That way it won't be like before, when someone uses it I won't feel like I've just been shot in the chest.

 

Today is another day.

 

I can't wait until graduation now. That's because I'll get to see my boyfriend.

 

I miss him so much! It'll be really nice.

 

Well, I'm off to get ready for work!

Have a great day!

 

~Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

There is this guy I used to have the biggest crush on in highschool.

 

He's about 3 years+ older than me.

Anywho.

 

He used to flirt with me soooo hard.....until he found out I was in highschool, LOL!

 

You would have thought it would have taken him less than a couple of years to figure that out, but oh well.

 

After that he wouldn't talk to me. He was quite cold, and would completely ignore me.

 

Okay, flash forward to today. I no longer have a crush on him or am attracted to him; that ended years ago.

 

But I just found out that he's getting married, and now..........I don't know, this is going to sound childish but, "I wanted to get married first!".

 

LOL! Don't ask me why this bothers me. It's like there is this somewhat close-knit community that we're apart of. Which means that I'll be obligated to go.

 

Which royally sucks.

 

And I don't think I'm jealous, because I don't want him.

 

I just think it's rough sometimes when you see someone else doing something that you reallly want to be doing.

 

I like to consider myself to be fairly laid back about the wedding thing.

 

One of my friends is getting married soon, and I'm excited about her wedding.

 

But there are two things that nag/bother/worry me when hearing and thinking about these weddings

 

1. Is the bride going to have my wedding ring?

I seriously doubt it, but I would be unhappy if

that was the case.

 

2. Goodness, there really is a lot of work that goes into planning a wedding!!!

 

And then I start freaking out. Do I want a small wedding or a big wedding, what to do?!

 

I think a little panic sets in.

 

And then I was worried that it would be so hard watching these happy couples (my age) getting married, when my boyfriend is living in another state.

 

But I fixed that one, I've decided I'll just take a girlfriends with me.

 

And then there is something else I've thought about. Why do I have to be apart of this community now anyways? I'm an adult, I could be apart of any community I chose.

 

It's just that there is sooooo much pretense in this community.

I always have to attend gatherings where there are mostly people I don't like.

I get along with them fine, because I'm able to hide my true feelings, but I'd rather not be around them.

 

Anywho, that's that I guess.

 

I know I'm going to Vegas to get married on New Year's Day.

 

But then there is the wedding, which I want to have in Vegas too. I think I'll just let my mother plan it, she wants to do that anyways.

 

Getting married should be the easy part, marriage is suppose to be the more challenging part.

 

 

 

 

 

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[Gracelove]

Hey There Guys!!!!

 

I'ts a beautiful day!!!

 

I feel sooooooooo good. I feel good physically, and emotionally.

 

I'm slimming down and am looking good.

And I have amazing energy!

 

I'm so grateful! I haven't felt this way in soooooo long.

 

I can't believe I went through all that drama about losing weight.

If there is anyone who knows how to lose weight it's me.

 

It's spring here, but it's more like summer, due to the weather and global warming.

 

I'm going to enroll in classes this summer, and I'm sooo excited!!!!

 

I really want to enroll in Spanish and Italian classes.

But I do realize, that in order to be a successful professional, I'll need to learn Chinese as well.

 

I think Mandarin (sp?) is more challenging than Cantonese (sp?). If I learn Mandarin the Cantonese should be easy to learn.

 

I also feel sooo free!!! I'm not afraid of sex anymore.

 

I was always uncomfortable with it, and then I was raped, so that didn't help.

 

Aside from the time when I first got with my boyfriend (I couldn't get enough back then), I'm had this huge fear around the whole sex thing.

 

But not anymore.

 

Sex is beautiful and wonderful and safe and adult. And it's okay to enjoy sex and be happy.

 

It's not a scary thing anymore.

 

I feel really good about myself right now.

I can't wait to see my boyfriend!

 

I know what it is! I feel safe in general right now. I can't remember the last time I felt truly safe, secure.

It feels good.

 

Thank you guys for always being there to listen, understand, and advise me.

 

Your support has helped me through my darkest times.

 

Well, I'm off to do some work!!!

Have a great day!

 

~Grace

 

 

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[Gracelove]

Hey There!!!

 

They had this article titled "Jane Doe no more", on link removed

 

It's about this lady who is "coming out" and letting everyone know she has been raped, face and everything.

 

So they had a section where you can comment. I asked her a few questions. I put my name my e-mail address and my city.

Because that's what is required.

 

And now I feel soooo stupid, because I have no idea who will be viewing that information!!!

 

I swear, sometimes I just don't think.

 

I don't know.........

 

I certainly don't want people knowing I've been raped.

 

I don't mind certain family and friends knowing. But I wouldn't want many people to be able to put a face with a name, point at me and say, "She has been raped".

 

I'm not that comfortable yet.

 

I mean, I can talk about it, but it's still a taboo to a certain extent .

And also, when I'm really sensitive about some things, I feel vunerable / open to attack.

 

I don't know, rape still really freaks me out.

 

I can feel confident in some ways. But I don't know, people I know don't just approach me and start talking about rape.

 

I feel comfortable being anonymous (sp?). I feel safe that way. And the family and friends that know, are trust-worthy and nice.

But unfortunately not everyone is that way.

 

I guess I'm still ashamed a little bit. It's like if you've been beat up by a guy or something. If everyone were to know that you'd be really embarrased.

 

So I guess I'm embarrased about being raped. I mean, it is really embarrassing.

 

And then if other guys knew, they'd probably think that I was weak, and would purposely try to do something to me. At least that's a fear.

 

I don't know, these day I'm doing pretty well keeping the scary part of rape out of my mind. I can talk about it like a book I've read, it's less real that way.

And I really do want it to stay that way.

 

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[Gracelove]

It's amazing how the fear of being exposed as a rape victim can make you feel vunerable all over again.

 

But I know that men stick together.

 

My best friend Sidney, knew how crazy my ex-boyfriend was.

 

He even admitted that he (my ex) freaked him out.

But he didn't want to testify against him, because he didn't want to be responsible for another man getting in trouble...even though I was his best friend.

 

I would be nice if we lived in a perfect world, but we don't. You have to protect yourself. There are so many people out there who will be willing to hurt you.

 

I wouldn't want the whole world knowing that I've been raped.

 

Then I could never feel safe. I'd feel like a walking target.

 

Anywho....things are really slow at work today, and I'm a little bored.

 

I think I'll ask my friend if she'd like to try for the movies again.

 

I don't know, the topic of rape is kind of depressing isn't it?

 

Oh well.

 

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[Gracelove]

I don't think it's possible to move past rape without ignoring it to a certain extent.

 

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[Gracelove]

I went to the movies today, to see fracture, by myself.

It was okay, nothing spectacular. But Ryan Gosling was good to look at.

 

I'm proud of myself for going. I had become a little depressed before hand, but I went anyways.

 

Life is really hard sometimes. But you can't give up. You have no choice but to keep trying, keep pushing yourself.

 

Sometimes I'm jealous of the life I used to lead. Life wasn't hard back then. I thought it was hard, but it wasn't.

 

If I would have only known then what I know now. I would have been much more appreciative.

 

I hope life doesn't stay this way forever. I hope it becomes happy and carefree again. With the normal day to day challenges.

 

At least now I know that I can't give up. No matter how rough it gets, I've been blessed with a lot. I can't turn my back on that. I have to keep living. Living until the day I'm supposed to leave this earth. And who knows when that will be.

 

I just hope, at that time, that I'm more than ready to go.

 

Looking forward to the other side of life.

 

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[Gracelove]

I feel so good today.

 

It's one of those great days. I feel like I'm a child again. A perfect summer season, although it's not summer quite yet.

 

I love laying in the middle of the family room floor. I can stretch out completely, and look at the high ceilings for as long as I want.

 

And the light is coming through the windows. The temperature is perfect. I'm happy this way.

 

And I'm watching the "Queen". I love this movie! It's sooo beautiful, all of the imagery and scenery.

 

I love England it's so beautiful. I love nature.

 

I've often thought of living there since visiting a few years ago.

 

I remember when I was at Stonehenge. It was so beautiful I almost cried.

Just being out there, all of that green grass, the sky......it was soooo peaceful.

 

People are so unfortunate to be able to live in such a beautiful place. There are rolling green hills everywhere it seems. You could just go out, sit on a hillside, and find yourself.

 

I long for that.

 

Beauty seems to make everything okay, it makes me so appreciative to be alive.

Sometimes I feel there isn't enough beauty in my life, and I worry too much.

 

It would be so great to not have a television, and live somewhere where I could just go out and enjoy nature. Spend time with God, explore my feelings. Become a better person.

 

But then....beauty is where you find it. If I look hard enough, or travel a little distance, I'm sure I can find it somewhere close by.

 

I don't know, this movie has a lot to do with how the world is changing.

 

Change is good in some regards, but certainly not in others.

 

I remember one time, I was without a T.V. for months. I was so happy. Life seemed good, nice, pleasant. I read a lot more.

 

If I get my own place, before my boyfriend comes up, I'd like to do that again.

 

After I get married, I doubt I'll be able to live without a television.

 

It's my mom's birthday this weekend, so we'll be going out in a little while.

 

It'll be nice.

 

I get to work out at the gym on Monday!!! I'm really happy! I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday! Can you believe it?! So soon. Thank you Jesus!!!

That's great!

 

I think I need to focus on myself more. Yesterday I was so sad and upset about the fact that I'm not with my boyfriend ya know.

 

And then I'm trying to hold on because there are better job opportunities out here.

 

And my boyfriend really needs and wants a change of scenery.

I really want to be down there with him and then come back out here.

But I'll feel guilty. Guilty for being selfish.

He's so good to me and all he wants me to do is wait for him.

 

And if I go down there he may not have enough time for me. But I don't really care about that.

At least I'd be able to see him once a week. Be happy with the man that I love.

 

I'm trying to be mature.

 

I got a card yesterday, from a lately at church. I haven't been to church since I began living here again.

It was a graduation card. I didn't even know that she knew I was graduating.

She said some of the nicest things about me in that card. It made me cry.

And she sent me a check.

 

And I remembered how it was when I graduated from highschool. So many cards, and so many gifts.

 

I know it's going to make me cry, because it's just so much.

 

And you know how it is when you're really sad and someone does something so nice for you.

 

I don't know, I've forgotten how nice and loving people are. And I've forgotten about all of the nice people I've known.

 

I'm always so critical of myself, and so I expect everyone else to see me in the same light.

 

There are so many things about myself that I wish were different.

 

But on a different note I've realized that looks aren't everything, LOL.

I'm able to love other people dispite their size or looks. Also, I know so many beautiful, and kind people who are overweight. It doesn't make a difference to me because I love their personalities. But me........when it's me...I'm not used to seeing myself this way, and when I look in the mirror I don't like what I see...but that's changing, it's getting better.

 

I can look in the mirror and see me. And be okay with me, at least today anyways.

 

Well, I guess it's time for me to get dressed.

Thanks for listening guys!!!

Love you!

 

~Grace

 

 

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[Gracelove]

Hey There Guys!

 

Oh my gosh, yesterday was sooo horrible.

 

I got hella stressed while being out with my parents. It was awful because when I get stressed like that the symptoms come back again (PTSD,Anxiety Dis., Depress.).

 

I felt soo unbelievably sick (physically). And I was feeling realllly angry, and then like I was going to breakdown and cry. And my head felt really weird.

 

And I hate it because when I get that way it takes sooo long for me to recover from it.

 

And I had been doing so well managing my stress levels so that this wouldn't happen.

 

I had to remind my dad that just because I stopped taking medicine, it didn't mean that the disorders magically disappeared.

 

And this morning.....I feel like crap. And I had a really bad dream. I really hope that today is better, and I'll be okay.

 

On top of that I'm really freaking out about my weight. I think I've been holding it together pretty well so far.

But I have always been obsessive about my weight. And I don't think that will ever change.

 

It's like my mind was so occupied with everything else over this past year.

And now that I'm better, I have another HUGE problem.

I've fat.

And I'm really freaking out, and stressing over it and it's horrible.

 

The last thing I need is this to be depressed about too.

 

Everytime I look in the mirror my self-esteem plunges.

 

I don't want to get on medicine again. I think I'll have to go to therapy again, because I'm really feeling like crap.

 

I'm trying to keep my head above water but it's not working. I'm drowning fast.

 

I can not be this size for much longer. I really can't.

 

My doctor is to sign my papers tomorrow so that I can start working out.

 

I'm just really so depressed. I don't know what to do.

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm still in the hotel. I'm watching this movie that I saw a long time ago.

 

It's an action movie that is really good actually.

 

Sometimes I wonder if my boyfriend and I can keep up this long distance relationship.

 

It's rough. Will I even know him anymore?

 

And aside from that, it's so hard being in a relationship when I'm so unhappy with myself.

How can I be okay with that?

 

I'm trying to type right now and my mom is talking to me non-stop (not helping).

 

Anywho, I don't know what to do. I'm frustrated on so many angles.

 

I have more happy times. But still things aren't ideal.

 

I feel stuck. I really don't like living with my parents, but I don't make enough money to move out.

 

I could save and move back to Alabama, but I don't want to do that.

 

It's weird because the last time I was there with my boyfriend, I couldn't wait to get back.

 

I started freaking out thinking that he would keep me there or something. I never mentioned it before because it didn't make sense for me to feel that way.

 

I don't know. We talk on the phone so much through-out the day, and I feel like I know him so well.

 

But then the last time we saw each other, I didn't feel like I knew him as well as I'd thought.

 

So, I'm afraid of marriage. Do I really know who I'm marrying? How can I when we barely see each other.

 

And if I were to move back down there with him, he doesn't even want me to stay with him. I don't understand that. It makes no sense.

 

I love him, and I do trust him. He took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself. But why am I feeling a little scared sometimes. Not of him........I just......I've spent more time away from him than I have with him. Things change. Time changes things and people.

 

Look at how different I am now. It's only been a little over a year. And things are so different.

 

One instant can change everything.

 

I don't want him to leave me. I don't want to end up alone. Without him, I need him, he's a part of me.

 

But, will he still be with me if I move back down there where he lives?

 

I have doubts, and I don't know if it's because I'm unhappy with me or not.

 

I really am not happy with my life right now.

 

 

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[Gracelove]

Masturbating is...well, I'm not really interested anymore.

 

I don't know, I guess this is just the way I am.

 

Now, I do it, because I really feel that I need to. I think of all sorts of other things while doing it. But it still, is no longer uncomfortable.

I'm really comfortable with it.

 

I don't think it's a chore, it's not. I really think I need to continue.

 

I don't want to feel the same way I did the last time my boyfriend and I were having sex.

 

I don't want flashbacks.

 

I don't know though, I think that masturbating on a regular basis, until my boyfriend get up here, will be difficult.

 

I don't know how I'll keep it up. I've already lost interest.

 

I'm scared. I think that once my boyfriend are married, and living together, it will be much easier.

 

There won't be long breaks between...well, us having sex. That's good because then it'll be normal, and I'll be used to it.

 

I'm trying to make myself as normal as possible.

 

I've got to get the weight under control, and this sex thing taken care of, and I'll be totally over the rape.

 

And as far as all of the other stuff..........I think it's going away gradually.

 

Before yesterday it had been a long time since I experienced one of those episodes.

 

I want to call my doctor and ask him if the post traumatic stress & anxiety dis. go away.

 

I know it must. It has to. I didn't have it before the rape.

 

Anywho, I'm predicting that in a year and a half, I'll be able to put this whole thing behind me. Move on to a healthier happier life.

 

With no signs of that horrible thing that happened to me. Well, aside from the stretch marks I've gotten from being over-weight. But considering the cosmetic surgery they have these days, I'm sure they've discovered a way to remove those.

 

I want to be okay again, I want to be me again.

I do these things because I have to, I have to in order to be me again, to find me again.

 

But soon, I don't want to do things to make up for other people's mistakes.

 

Because that's what I'm doing. I'm cleaning up the mess this guy made because he decided that he enjoys raping women.

 

And where is he now? I don't know, and I don't care. But what I do know, is that I have to clean up the mess that I've become, because of him.

 

And this will never make sense to me.

And I hope I don't have to ever do anything like this again....pay for something that is someone else's fault.

 

But I'm being the best person that I know how to be right now. It's not like I have a choice. There is nothing else I can do.

 

And this happens to so many women. Yet when it happens to you, you feel so alone.

 

I'm pretty sure that rape is so normal, I bet it happens more than it doesn't.

But still nothing makes it better.

 

If only they could make a medicine to cure that, or the symptoms of it.

 

I wish....would it be so bad to forget?

 

Would it?

 

I don't know, today my boyfriend and I were talking. And I felt so bad. Because I'm trying the best that I can. And.......I need him. I need him here. He helps me out a lot.

And he can't be here right now.

 

And I'm supposed to be learning how to support myself, and how to rely on God, and I don't feel that I'm doing very well.

 

And all I want to do is, curl up in bed. And think of..what?

 

But I can't do that. Because I need money, and I need to feel that I'm not a burden on my parents.

And because being at home with my parents all day would drive me crazy.

 

Having money is nice. I just wish I could have my boyfriend or my friends close by. I need them for support so badly.

 

My best friend, she's really supportive. I do trust her. Talking to her last night really helped.

 

What do you do when you feel stuck? When every thing is moving so slowly. When you're frustrated.

 

Anyways, I start counting calories tomorrow. For the first time in my life.

I've always just stopped eating when I've wanted to lose weight.

But now it'll be different.

 

I start with the trainer tomorrow, and I'm happy about it.

 

I won't be a size 5 by graduation, but that's okay. I'm not perfect, although I wish I could be.

 

I've been thinking of taking that weight loss pill my best friend has been raving about.

 

With exercise, my new meal plan, and a pill things should work out great.

 

But I'm still leary of taking pills.

 

I don't know, I don't know why I'm so emotional lately. Maybe I'll be starting my peiod soon. But I thought I just got off of it a while back (I don't really keep track of it).

 

I'm worried that things are getting hard again. I don't think I can take that again. I can't keep going back. I can't keep digressing (sp?).

 

Life is exhausting.

 

 

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[Gracelove]

I am sooo tired, and I feel so sick.

 

Today I went to the doctor so I was able to get my papers signed.

 

I begin working out tonight.

 

I'm really happy about it, because my body really needs some help.

 

It's rough carrying around so much additional weight. It wears on your body.

 

I can already feel myself becoming sick.

 

But I'm really happy, soon I'll be working out almost daily, and I'll have someone to encourage me, and help me through this process.

 

It's so hard to have a lunch break in peace around here, now I see why most people leave the site.

 

Oh my gosh! This is crazy! So far, I don't really have a break because people keep interrupting. I'm getting out of the office now.

 

 

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[Gracelove]

I had a rude wake-up call this morning. It was enough to make me cry, but sometimes we need that in life.

 

I have a new therapist, I meet with her next week.

 

Therapy is hard. I didn't want to deal with my emotions, I chose to run away. It's scary facing the thing I hate most. But I've got to do it sometime.

 

All this time I was focusing on food and weight, so that I wouldn't have to deal with my real problems.

No one is forcing me to eat. It's all me. It was my way of trying to deal with problems. And my way of dealing with it was wallowing in food, in a vain attempt to make myself feel better.

 

I was so tired of hurting. I didn't want to hurt anymore.

But sometimes you will have to hurt. Dealing with horrible things is really painful, but you can't run away forever.

 

So, I'm going to the gym, therapy, and am going to volunteer also.

I know I'm going to cry, and I hate crying, but I'm just going to cry my way through it because it has to be done.

 

I don't know what I'll talk about anymore, or what I'll think about.

 

I can't talk about food and weight anymore, because I know that's not the real issue.

 

I don't know what to do. I just know that this is going to be really hard, and I'm scared.

Therapy is so emotionally draining.

 

Everything is tossed up in the air and you have to try to make meaning of things all over again.

 

I'm afraid of what people around me will think. I doubt I'll be walking around happy and smiling once this process starts.

 

I'll probably be staring into space a lot, trying to make sense of my life.

 

I hate it, you know. I want to be normal again. And I'm afraid I will never be normal again. I'm a weird person with all these problems now.

And I wish that weight and dieting were the worst of my problems, the only thing I'd have to worry about, but they are not, and I have to stop playing games with myself.

 

How am I going to have a relationship, or get married like this?

 

My life is a wreck because of this whole thing.

 

 

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[Gracelove]

I think I'm pretty much done working for the day.

 

After I finish one more thing I'll be done for a while anyways.

 

My head feels really funny, and I'm already staring into space.

 

I'm excited about therapy, but I think it has me slightly stressed.

 

I'll probably go home and lay down.

 

On a good note, I'm counting calories, and have stayed below my limit.

 

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[Gracelove]

Well, it has been an interesting day.

I've never counted calories before, and it's a pain.

 

But everything is a process.

 

At least I've got a counselor, and I'll be seeing my trainer tomorrow, finally.

Tomorrow is the last sit down session before actually working out.

 

It's late and I already know I'm not going to want to get up in the morning.

 

When I win the lottery, I'm going to rent a hotel room, and lay in bed all day (just for that first day).

Just rest, and stare up and the ceiling, and think, and cry, and not move.........

 

Why do things have to be so difficult?

 

I don't want to give up. I.....I think I'm trying pretty hard.

 

I've made a few steps today, I even printed out an application for volunteer work.

 

I still kind of don't feel like I'm doing as much as I should. I don't know, I just feel bad for not having everything together.

 

Sometimes I don't know how I'm going to make it.

 

Day after day after day............

 

I don't even really care about my boyfriend being here anymore. At least not right now. I have so much work to do with myself already.

 

I don't know, this thing has destroyed me. I thought I could be okay again.

For a while I was able to talk about my friends and weight.

 

I can't afford to go into a deep depression anymore.

 

I can't afford that anymore. Sometimes I want to just scream, but I can't.

I can't scream.

It all just sits there.

And I eat, but I can't

even do that anymore.

What do I have?

 

I know I have God, but I don't always understand everything.

 

I don't know, on one hand.....I'm frustrated with my body.

On the other hand, I'm grateful, because I'm still a lot smaller than other people I see on the streets.

 

I wish I would have stayed small. But it was either, eat a lot and become bigger, or drink a lot and become an alcoholic.

 

Anywho, once I got on medicine I couldn't drink anyways.

 

I don't know, I blame most of the weight gain on leaving my boyfriend to come up here to live.

I had to rely on something to help me with that transition, and it was food.

 

We were happy together.

I cried so hard the day that I was supposed to leave.

He came over and told me that he was pround of me. He kept saying, "It'll only be a month".

He convinced me to go......a month?!

Ya right!

 

It has been almost 8 months now.

And what can I do about it?

Absolutely nothing.

 

He wants me to stay, my family wants me to stay. And now I need to say to receive treatment.

 

And today my head started feeling weird, the way it would feel when I missed my anti-depressant medicine.

 

I would love nothing more than to stay home from work tomorrow.

 

And I don't know, I'm done with masturbating. I don't know what to do with sex.

 

I really wanted to be okay with it, but I can't masturbate everyday.

 

Why am I so afraid? I really don't want to have flashbacks. I think the scariest thing about them, is that I can't control them.

 

It's like those memories popped up from no where.

 

And now it has been brought to my attention that I'm "denying God's power".

 

But I'm trying. I don't want to be a disappointment to God. I love God.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm trying to work my way through this.

And there are so many conflicting things.

 

My mom thinks I should have been over this. But therapists tell me it's normal and it takes time

 

I can't even describe how I feel.

 

I mean, I see how much I've improved, but I'm still not where I want to be.

 

If it wasn't for the money, I would have quit work a long time ago.

 

I really miss my apartment, it was so cute. I love sitting on my little futon, while my kittens ran around.

 

And it's funny, because I was such a wreck at the time, I couldn't even appreciate it.

 

But now, looking back on it. I imagine how it would be, to be there now, and it's beautiful.

 

I wish I had something interesting to think about or talk about.

](*,)

Well, this little guy seems appropriate.

 

My little kitten is asleep (lucky her).

 

I've been in my own head all day.

 

Wedding and marriage seems out of the picture, for now anyways.

I can't get married when I'm such a wreck.

 

I just want to know how long it is going to take for me to fix things. No one has told me yet.

I want to know when I'll be over rape, when I'll get some amazing revelation and closure.

 

I really want closure. I would have gone to a hypnotist (sp?)....if only I wasn't afraid of doing something one day, and having no idea why.

 

I like to know why everything happens, why I do certain things. I always want to know "why?", it's how I make sense of this world we all live in.

 

Don't you just wish that you could be rescued sometimes? Someone could come along and take you away from it all?

 

I don't know, I guess I should be grateful that I can now function in the regular world.

I was unable to do that for a while, and I was really worried.

 

Now that I'm finally able to participate in life again

(to a certain extent), I want a break.

 

Boy do I want a break.

 

Anywho, I'm actually getting a little sleepy now.

 

I hope everyone has a great night sleep!

 

Thanks for listening,

 

Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

So tired today.

 

Finally have an idea of how this counting calories thing works.

 

Yesterday I thought I was doing really well, but I hadn't calculated my breakfast.

So since I had a little "empty time" at work I decided to look up the calories.

 

OMG! I had no clue I had consumed that many calories.

 

Needless to say, that pushed me over.

 

I don't know why I'm so sleepy. I wonder if it has something to do with my allergies.

 

If I remember correctly, I think my immune system is attacking the allergens. I think I'll need to start taking medicine soon, to alleviate (sp?) the symptoms.

 

It's a pretty day here. It was really nice and overcast, and dark earlier.

I loved it!

Something about that type of darkness during the day, it comforting.

 

Time is passing, and soon I'll be with my boyfriend. I'm a little excited.

 

Right now I'm really focused on the amount of work I'll have to do to get myself together again.

 

Just thinking about it is scary.

 

But on a bright note, Spiderman is coming out this weekend. I've heard it's a really good movie, I guess we'll see.

 

I still haven't seen disturbia. But hopefully I'll see it this weekend.

 

I haven't spoken with my best friend today. We've been chit-chatting a lot lately.

Actually I think she e-mailed me the other day, and I didn't check it.

 

I think I'll do that now.

 

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[Gracelove]

What a nice day.

 

I think music helps. Right now I'm listening to Alanis's "Hands Clean". I love the music!!!

 

I'm feel much better than before, although I'm still just a little tired.

 

I think I'm not beating myself up as much as before.

 

I'm feeling good about therapy and seeing my trainer tonight.

 

I'm also doing pretty well with the whole calorie-thing as well.

 

Who knows what I'll do when I get home. I usually don't like thinking about that part of my day.

 

The first thing I think of, when I think of home these days, is a worried look on my dad's face.

 

I'm not thrilled about going home to that, but it's okay, it's apart of life.

 

I'm getting more duties at work, which is always a good thing.

 

I do take more breaks than I probably should, but that's only because I get my work done so quickly.

However, in the future I may be much more busy.

 

I go to the gynecologist (sp?) in a couple of days.

I haven't been to once since shortly after the incident.

 

I e-mailed the doctor letting her know that I was assulted.

That way if anything looks different down there, she'll know why. And I won't have to mention it in person.

 

The Dr. in Atlanta was a male. He was so nice though, I had seen him once before so I felt comfortable with him.

It was so funny, because when I went to see him I could smell alcohol on his breath, LOL.

Maybe that's why he was so relaxed.

 

Why does it hurt so much to change? It guess that's just apart of life.

 

I'm hurting a little bit more than I'd like to lately.

 

I really need to get my nails done.

 

I'm not worried about graduation anymore. My mind is other places now, and I could care less of how they see me. Which is a good thing.

 

Well, my break is almost over.

 

Thanks for listening!!!

 

~Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

Today is an okay day.

 

I feel more calm than usual. I did have somewhat of an emotional moment this morning, but it's past now.

 

I really want to write in my journal right now. I really need to just talk, and get things out.

But I think I'll have to wait until break.

 

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[Gracelove]

Okay, I don't have that much time, so I'm going to have to type really fast.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me.

 

Yesterday I met with my trainer. She has me doing all of these painful stretches that I've never heard of before.

 

It was awful.

 

And I used to be a dancer, so when it comes to stretches, I thought I knew them all, so I'm really out of my comfort zone.

 

And then there's the meal plan, etc. etc. Which means I'll have to go grocery shopping.

And that's so frustrating because the one right down the hill from my house...I don't know my way around pretty well, even though I've gone in there countless times over the years.

 

And then there's my boyfriend. I've been feeling slightly annoyed when he calls.

He's still the same sweet person, but talking with him is bothering me for some reason.

 

And time is passing super-quickly, I can't believe tomorrow is pay day, I just had one.

 

And then I bought my cousin many baby gifts, I thought she received them because she called me raving about them.

 

Then she tells me that she never got them, she just got a notice saying that they were coming.

 

So I had to call the shipping company and the store; they are suppose to rememberse me.

 

And after all of that she calls me yesterday saying that she magically has the stuff now.

 

According to the shipping company the stuff was dropped off a month ago.

 

Stuff like that frustrates me. We both know it her stupid husband. She had to be reduced to tears before she got the gifts. It's so stupid.

Her husband frustrates her, he doesn't need to be frustrating me as well.

 

Now I have to remember to call the company back and tell them not to reimburse me because the gifts magically re-appeared.

And that's going to make me look like an idiot.

 

I don't need this type of drama, you know.

That's why I'm not with a psycopath anymore, and I don't think I should have to be bothered with hers.

 

I don't know, I just feel over-whelmed.

 

And then I think of what it'll be like when I'm a mother. I know I'll be a good mother, I've always been good with children.

 

I already know what kind of mother I want to be...pretty, fashionable, a really good example.

 

Then I think about the other things. How am I suppose to protect my child, or relax even? I don't want to live in fear. How am I suppose to provide a truly safe environment when I don't even feel safe.

 

I'm so catious when it comes to everything now-a-days.

I don't want my daughter feeling that the world is a cruel and scary place.

 

I'm just not sure of what to do.

 

And then my boss is so tense right now.

He's not happy with all of the work he's swimming in.

 

It's so weird because it never seemed to bother him too much before, and then he has had this job for a while.

 

I don't know, there are a lot of changes going on in the company, a lot of people leaving, so maybe that's it.

 

On a brighter note, I suppose, I'm receiving more duties.

 

Anyways, this whole thing is challenging me. Just the whole counting calories, weight-thing.

 

One meal consisted of tuna and a graham cracker.

 

Who eats tuna with graham crackers????

 

I don't know.

 

I'm suppose to lose 57lbs. in 28 sessions.

They'll have me popping some "fat burning" pills.

 

Goodness.

 

Anyways, my dad is probably going to see Spiderman 3 with me this weekend, so I won't have to go by myself.

 

Thanks for listening guys!!!

 

With love always,

 

Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

I love, "Hands Clean" by Alanis.

 

I've always liked it, but you know how you forget about songs that used to be your favorite in the past?

 

I think I'll call my boyfriend. I miss him now.

 

I'm over my calories for today (big surprise, LOL!),

 

I need to fix my meals at night. Anyways it doesn't really matter. She doesn't want me to buy the stuff I need for the food plan until Friday (don't ask me why, I have no clue).

 

What a day. Whew! Why do I work here? I guess it's convinient(sp?) for the moment.

 

With all of the new stressful things coming my way, a don't need the stress of adjusting to a new job anyways.

 

A couple of companies have e-mailed or called regarding an interview.

But they are insurance companies. I know nothing about insurance, although I'm sure I could learn.....just something about "insurance" isn't appealing to me.

Having it is fine, but working for one......I don't know.

 

I'm supposed to drink a gallon of water everyday. Can you believe it?! A whole gallon.

 

Well, I'm giving it a try, I just hope my insides don't explode.

 

I have this big gallon jug sitting on my desk, and I'm not even half way through.

 

After looking at a few articles on link removed I've decided to become a stay at home mom.

I was previosly planning to stay home for the first 5 years, but I'll probably stay home longer now.

 

But I won't be literally staying at home all day. I'll definitely be out and about, moving around places. The zoo, the mall, overseas, you name it I'll probably do it.

 

Dance! My little girl and I will definitely be dancers.

 

How in the world am I possibly going to raise another human being?!

 

Talk about stressful! As much as I think about things now? I'll probably be thinking of how to be a better mother constantly. Will I think of anything other than my child?

 

How do you prepare a child for the evil in this world.

 

I know that you show them love, their ability to love will help them cope with that. But it doesn't cure it, or prevent them from having bad experiences.

 

How do I explain to them........how do I answer questions for them that I can't answer for myself?

 

How do I explain that I am unable to protect them from many bad things in this world?

 

I guess I'm taking on too much. God has to come in somewhere.

 

Anywho, we all know I'm not ready to have children.

 

I want to resolve things for myself first. Live life. I want to be happy and carefree again. Bright-eyed and optimistic.

So optimistic that it makes people around me sick.

 

I want to have a life, an exciting one, not a dramatic one.

 

I want to act silly. Laugh with friends. Be the happy one of the group again, the funny one, the free-spirited one.

 

My mom just called me. She's so cute. She wants me to "send a prayer up" for girl I don't even like.

But I'll do it anyway.

 

I've heard of people being "heart-broken" over losing a significant other, but not a job.

 

I can understand being sad, or down and out, but heart-broken........are you kidding me?!!!

 

That's scary. I've never in my life, have heard anyone say,.."I'm soooo heart-broken!!!" "Really, why?!!! The love of your life dumped you?!!!" "No, I lost my job!"

 

I am the last person who should be judgemental but that sounds pretty crazy to me.

 

I equate a job to be right up there with "things". If my car breaks down, my heart won't be broken.

 

I shouldn't harp on this girl because she supposedly reads her bible everyday. But if someone wouldn't have told me that, I would have never guessed.

 

Throughout her schooling she has constantly gotten in fights for bad-mouthing other people publicly.

 

I don't know, she's not the nicest person I've ever met.

 

But that's how it goes. Just because someone says they are a Christian, it doesn't mean they're a saint.

 

The guy who raped me was a Christian, and so was the girl who set me up.

 

But because I was raised in the fashion, I'm able to see those who truly try to better their lives from those who simply hide behind a title.

 

LOL! That makes me think of a very popular saying I've heard many times, "The devil is sitting in church every Sunday, on the front row/pew".

 

Anywho, I don't know, whatever-whatever.

 

I don't know why I'm so emotional today, or yesterday for that matter.

I think it's the impending (usage?) therapy session I have on Tuesday.

 

I feel down-right scared.

 

I've been out of therapy for a few months now, and I don't know what's been surpressed in that time.

 

I don't want to go, but I will. The only way I'll be a good person is by getting myself some help.

I can't do it alone, and I can't run forever.

 

I don't want to be self-destructive anymore. I don't want to shove food down my throat. I don't want to shove things in my mouth.

I want to be able to open my mouth and feel okay about myself.

 

And the worst thing is feeling that I need to keep everything to myself.

Rape and abuse have had a toll on me.

 

I still feel like I need to be quite to be safe.

 

I try to speak out. I speak out here. But if I didn't have this forum I would be completely silent about this things all together.

 

My dad has freaked many times because I won't talk about it.

 

But you just feel so low, ya know.

 

Like someone has put you in your place. Like those men put me in my place, and I don't have a right to speak out.

 

Or to be heard, and that no one is ever going to care, or should ever care.

 

I should just eat my food, bare it and live with it for the rest of my life.

 

What right do I have to anything? This happens everyday, to so many people, but you know what? The world keeps turning.

It doesn't stop because you're having a crisis, or life is hard, or because sometimes you can't look at yourself in the mirror.

 

Even the people who love you, don't have the energy, time, or tools to fix your problem.

 

So there comes a time when you have to say, you know what, I don't care how crappy I feel, or how badly I feel about myself......if I don't get help, I am going to die.

 

And when it comes to being embarrased, verus losing the possibility of living the life you've always dreamed of..............the latter wins out.

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[Gracelove]

Upset.

 

There is this guy at work, he works in another department.

 

I don't like him.

 

I was in training and he came in calling me a "chair-theif" because I used the chair in the other room. The guy who runs the department always tells me to use that chair.

 

The guy who was calling me a "chair-thief" was so loud and upset that I was using the chair he likes to use.

 

OMG!

 

I don't like men yelling at me, I can get down right mean and nasty if I feel a man is trying to intimidate me.

Only in special cases though.

 

I usually don't run into things like that, but if a man keeps pressing me, or goes so far as to threaten me...all of my "nice-ness" goes away.

 

Anywho, I'm on the phone with my boyfriend right now, so I feel much better.

 

But I've always been that way, before going to all-girls school I was raised around boys. Many times I was the only girl, so I had to hold my own, ya know.

 

I don't like men harassing me, espicially not now.

 

Anywho I know the type of person he is...the type with no "home training".

Any man with home training would have gone into the other room to get another chairs, like gentlemen do.

 

 

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[Gracelove]

I've been reading other people's posts.

 

It's nice, I feel so much better!!!

 

Dr. Phil comes on soon, so I'll be moving from this computer down to my laptop next to the T.V., LOL.

 

My parents are so sweet, they are helping me with this whole healthy-lifestyle thing.

 

My mom is going to pay the personal trainer bill, and my dad is going to help me buy food and prepare my snacks.

 

My parents are so sweet.

 

My dad is the cutest little guy, LOL!!! He's not little, but how else could I express how fond of him I am.

 

He always makes sure my mom and I have full tanks of gas. And takes care of repairs to our cars, maintence, etc.

He always prepares our breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and brings it to us wherever we are in the house.

 

I mean he does soooo much stuff for us!!! Washes the clothes, I mean anything and everything you could think of he does.

 

We're so spoiled.

 

He takes the animals to the vet.

He'll drive my mom to work sometimes if she doesn't really feel like driving.

 

Or if she's going to be at work late and doesn't want to go by herself, he'll go with her and spend his whole day up there.

 

Come to think of it, my parents are the cutest couple!!!

 

Granted, they get on my nerves sometimes, but they definitely stick together.

 

Anywho, I'm off to set up downstairs.

 

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[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh, I'm so happy to be in bed right now!!!

 

I had pasta. Yeh!

I'm addicted to control I think. I love eating food when I want.

That's so sad.

I wonder if everyone has to feel they control something on some level.

Is that part of the human condition?

 

I used to go the other way. Only it was when I didn't like myself very much.

It was like, "You don't deserve food!", etc. etc.

I used to have all sorts of putdowns running through my mind.

 

The first two years in college I ate whatever I wanted and had the best body. But that was because I got so much exercise.

The campus was huge and I had to walk from one side of the campus to the other, daily.

 

I used to be so sexy back then, aww memories, LOL!

 

Anywho, I feel sooooooo good being in bed right now!!!

 

It would be a great time to masturbate, if I was still into that.

 

Awww!!! My little kitten is so cute right now!!! I love her so much.

 

Sometimes I'm not thrilled about picking her crap off of the floor, or seeing her piss on everything, but I still love her til death.

 

I almost demolished that gallon of water. A whole freakin gallon almost gone!!!

 

That's soo good for me. I don't drink that much of any liquid in a day.

 

I drink about half a gallon of liquid a day (at the very most). And that usually consists of juice, red bull, and coffee.

 

I'm not a big liquid drinker.

 

When I was more active, I used to drink water like a fish, but that was a while ago.

 

And best of all, i get to sleep in tomorrow because of my doctor's appointment! I have the best boss!

 

Well, nighty-night guys!!!

 

Thanks for listening!!!

 

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[Gracelove]

Wait a minute!!! I just looked at my information I joined in Nov. 2005?! That wasn't even 2 years ago.

 

Time in my head is really screwed up then.

I feel like I've been apart of this place forever.

 

I don't know why I look at getting rid of my ex as being so long ago....oh I'm thinking of when we officially broke up, not the stalking afterwards, oh nevermind.

 

But one thing is for sure, I'll always remember the day I was raped...Feb. 11th. The same date I was Christened as a child. Sad huh?

 

Anywho, enough of that, I'm off to have sweet dreams!!!

 

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