:)

[Gracelove]

I'm still at work, so I can't write much, but this lemonade diet is working wonders on my depression!!! I feel so great!!!

 

I have been cheating (naughty me), but it's still working. I'm so happy!!! I didn't really notice it until one of my friends pointed it out to me today.

 

I highly suggest this diet. But don't cheat like I do. I'm going to have to stop that soon.

 

Love you guys!!!

 

I'll check in later, bye!

 

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[Locke2121]

I have been cheating

 

 

You naughty girl!!!!

 

 

 

Oh, you mean on the diet. Well, maybe next time.

 

I'm dieting as well. Just low-calorie with a brisk 30 to 40 minute cardio 5 times a week. I've lost close to 20 pounds!

[Gracelove]

Hey Locke!!!

 

Congratulations on losing all of that weight!!! I know you must be feeling so good!

 

I've only lost 9lbs. thus far because I've been eating. But if I don't eat anything I'm suppose to lose 10lbs. in 3 days, so it's kind of a bummer. I think my mom has caught on to the fact that I've been cheating.

 

LOL, but what can I say, I lovvvvve food!!!! So it's a bit of a challenge for me not to eat any. I have to be realllly busy to stick to this diet. And I'm really not that busy.

 

Hey Guys!!!

 

I'm sooooo excited about going to check out my one bed room apartment today!!!!!

 

I've been to this apartment complex before and it's so beautiful!

 

But I think my boyfriend and I should get a 1 bedroom apt. instead of two. That way we'll have money to save, and buy groceries and go places.

 

I'm really excited. Times has passed really quickly. Can you believe we've been apart for 7 months already?! Only 8 more to go!!!

 

And now that I'm losing weight, I'll actually have enough energy for a second job! I'm syked about that too.

 

I'm feeling pretty good actually. I mean this faux-lemonade diet is really working wonders.

 

I wonder if the diet could help depression and anxiety disorder and post traumatic stress disorder for everybody!!!!

 

The only thing is that you to convince everyone who has it not to eat food.

 

I saw the movie "children of men" yesterday. It was entertaining/okay. Would I watch it again??? Hum.....still thinking.....maybe.

 

And today I'm going to watch the good shepard!!! I'm excited about that.

 

Man an arbor mist, and a pizza sounds great. But then maybe not, because I has Burger King yesterday and it didn't really satisfy me. I think I should really give this diet a serious try but....

 

I guess I like control too much. And the only thing I've ever really been able to control is food. When I it eat, what I eat, how I eat it. I guess I'm just reluctant to give that up.

 

I am satisfied with the 9 lb. loss though. My knees don't hurt anymore.

 

A confession though. I've always had weight issues. Even when I was really small in size. I never was really satisfied with my weight, that's just me.

 

But I am seriously really big. I mean there are fatter people, but I'm big. And I'm not that tall so ya....that's that.

 

Well my dad is bugging me right now. I've got to go.

 

Have a great Saturday guys!!!

 

With love always,

 

Grace.

 

 

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[Gracelove]

Hey There Guys!!!

 

I'm watching, "The Good Shepard" again. This is my second time. I really like this movie.

 

My boyfriend doesn't feel like being bothered right now. I think he's sad, overwhelmed with life. And I'm upset I'm not there to comfort him. I would really like that. Espicially since he has been there to comfort me.

 

So the only thing I can do is respect his wishes and give him the time alone he desires. I miss him. I want to hug and kiss all his worries away.

 

I'm doing pretty well at being optimistic. Although I have been thinking about the environment.

 

All the catastrophies (sp?) that will occur by 2020 if the government doesn't change the way we run our country.

 

Thousands of people suffering needlessly due to the changes in our environment makes me sad.

 

Although I can acknowledge that maybe that's just the way earth is restoring it's balance in a sense.

 

There are so many people occupying (sp?) our planet. I do realize that people will need to die to "restore" things for lack of a better word.

 

Do you remember population and carrying capacity from highschool biology? It always gets to the point where a huge part of the population dies off. There isn't enough to sustain everyone.

 

However, that doesn't make reality any less sad or scary.

I've been told in the past that war is used to control population, kill people. I can see the logic.

 

The world is a very beautiful place, but also a very sad place. Life isn't easy, but we're here, so we have to live it.

 

I think I'm able to be grateful for so much more these days.

 

Today I went to view the one-bedroom apartment at the complex I'd like to stay at.

 

I loved the apartment! It was so beautiful!!!

I felt so grateful that I can afford to live in such a beautiful place.

It truly is a blessing.

 

I'm grateful I have a place to sleep at night, and food to eat, and people who love me. I really appreciate that. Without it, my life would be so much harder, and more sad.

 

For the most part I'm just trying to relax, and not focus on the bad.

And I'm trying to get myself back.

 

After the rape I thought the person I was had died, but I realize now that it isn't the truth.

 

I'm still me. Yes I've been hurt, abused, and betrayed........but I'm still me.

 

I want to be the same kind and loving, and happy person I used to be.

 

I'm going to work really hard at being that person again. A person who encourages more than needs encouragement. A person who knows how to love regardless and cries alone in the dark.

I want to be me again.

 

I'm strong, I know I am. And I can handle the bad with the good. I mean, without the bad how could we ever know or truly appreciate the good.

 

And a good thing that has come out of all of this is that I'm able to relate to a part of humanity, that maybe I didn't fully understand before.

 

I could understand sadness, and pain. But not nearly to the extent that I do now. The pain I felt after the rape....was so deep and torturing and unshakable......I definitely understand pain.

 

There's something about being violated on that level.....the damage it can cause.......it's absolutely unbelievable.

 

Anyways, it's a beautiful day. Nice and overcast. I might even take a nice hot bath.

 

Maybe I could plug the t.v. up in the bathroom and watch it there.

 

I really need to relax. I even got my nails done today. I was proud of myself for that. Of course, my first thought is that I don't really want to take the time to go.

But then my second thought is that I really need to do something nice for myself.

 

Well, thanks for listening guys. I'm going to go take my bath.

 

I'll correct typos later.

 

Sincerely,

 

Grace

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[Gracelove]

I realized, I'm free!!!

 

I'm done! I'm getting my degree and moving on to a new life!!!!

 

No more jealous, immature women!!!! WheW!!!!

 

I can be me, FREE. I'm so happy to be me right now!

 

I'm in my 20's, I have my own job (two soon hopefully), I have a wonderful man, I'm getting married soon!!!!

 

I think I should celebrate.

 

You know, getting thin by graduation was all about other people. What other people would think, how other people would see me......

 

..but you know what?! I should be celebrating me.

I'm going to be 24years old this year, and I think I should be having some fun! Living it up for a change.

 

I think I should have a big birthday party with all of my closest girlfriends in attendance, and we should all get piss drunk!

 

I haven't been piss drunk in sooooo long! The last time I can remember being that drunk was girls-night 3 or 4 years ago. Man I miss those days.

I should celebrate my womanhood. Finally being free and beautiful and happy.

 

You know every since I've gained all of this weight I've felt soooo ugly. People would tell me I was beautiful, but I definitely disagreed.

 

But today I looked in the mirror and saw that I'm still a beautiful person, inside and out.

 

I mean I've been through a lot and I'm still here. I deserve to celebrate that, and to be happy.

 

And I'm going to do that for myself, for me.

 

I'm going to be happy with me.

 

Just me and my girls.

 

I think we should all go out and get our hair done and our nails done. We should eat at an expensive restaurant, party, rent movies, get drunk, laugh and be carefree.

 

I haven't been to a club since I've been raped, but if I could go to one, that would be great. I could get over that fear, ignore what happened. And if I could dress up and look really cute, and actually enjoy men checking me out, that would be great too.

 

I'm tired of being scared and insecure. I want to feel like, "So what I've been raped? I'm a beautiful woman and I'm comfortable with that and my sexuality".

 

LOL!!! I don't know, it may take me a while to get there, but if I really wanted to I think I could pull it off.

 

Maybe just a party is good enough for now.

 

I don't know, my friends are soooo spread out, I just wish we could all be in the same place at the same time, wouldn't that be great?

 

That just means I need to make more friends. And I will. I've always been pretty good at making friends. I'm just not the best at maintaining those relationships, with the exeption of about 10 people.

 

So I guess I should say I'm good at making acquaintances. There are so many people I could call on and hang out with but......there is still that issue of trust thing.

I like people, but I don't feel comfortable opening up to everyone, only a few.

 

 

I can't believe I'm going to be rid of that place. I mean, that was such a rough road. My college experience had little to do with school, and much to do with everything else. But I'm out now. And I'm happy about that.

 

I don't think that will really hit home until I get that diploma in my hand. And I walk accross that stage, and see that place for the last time.

 

There were so many times where I felt trapped, I felt like I would never escape that place, and now.............now...I'm out.

 

I'm no longer in a place where I feel judged, haunted by all of my short comings. College was a nightmare. It really was, my worst nightmare.

 

Although I made friends, and had some really good times..........it was also the worst time of my entire life.

 

Gosh, what am I going to do when it's time for my kids to go to college? What could I possibly say or tell them about the experience. I don't know. But I know it'll be so hard to see them go.

 

Goodness, I'm making myself a little emotional here.

 

My little kitten is so cute, but she has the smelliest (sp?) behind, LOL! All she has to do is point it in my direction.

 

It's so different from my other cat who has smelled good her entire life. I can walk up to her any given day and she smells so pleasant. I guess it's just the difference in breeds.

 

Gosh I have no idea why I'm so emotional and so torn up about school. Should I hate that place? Because I do.

 

The second my parents dropped me off freshman year, I felt they were abandoning me. I cried so hard. I didn't want to stay. Who knew what would happen to me while I was there.

 

I don't know, the rape still has me feeling pretty vunerable at times. Who do I blame? Sometimes I still look for one to blame. Someone I know, someone real to me.

 

The rapist.......he's not real to me anymore. His accomplice? I try not to think of her.

 

Why does it still hurt after all this time. I know it has only been a year but...it feels like much more than that.

 

Anywho, let's not go there. I'm trying to be positive.

 

I can't wait to buy cute clothes, always dress up, cook and clean........I can't wait to be a great wife. I want to be that, not only for my husband, but for me.

 

I don't know what life will bring. And sometimes I'm scared, and I don't feel like life will get any better...........but I'm hoping that I can change that. I'm hoping I can enjoy life all of the time. I'm hoping I can be happy all of the time. I'm hoping life gets much better than it has been thus far.

 

You know, maybe I do blame my parents. Maybe I do blame them for sending me to that place. Is that so wrong? I know they love me, but if I'm to be honest, deep down inside I think I do blame them.

 

But I think that all people feel that way one time or another. we depend on our parents to protect us from all bad things. And even when we know they can't, we can't help but feel let down.

 

When you're little parents make your world alright. Then all of a sudden, one day it stops, because they can't protect you from reality. And you wonder why........but that's just the way the world works. This crazy world we live in.

 

Anyway, I paid off one of my credit cards today. I'm soooo happy! I feel good about it. Who knew paying bill could be so much fun, LOL.

 

Anywho...........

 

I wish I could have talked to my boyfriend tonight before he went to sleep........tell him I loved him.

 

I got a little worried today. The IRS said my dad didn't inform them of a nice size check he received, the only problem....... he never got that check.

 

I told him he should just call them (the IRS) and tell them that it's not true. But he wants to have proof first, so he's doing some investigating on his own to see he someone stole his identity. Or how these people are claiming they gave him money he has never seen. He did some research and found out who supposedly claims to have given him that amount of money. But I don't want him going up there because I think it might be dangerous. If these are some shady identity thieves or just crazy liars, that's not good.

 

Apparently someone did something wrong. It would be wonderful though if someone actually did intend to give my dad that amount of money, and someone else stole it, and we were able to get it back. That would be nice. I mean that kind of money would be an amazing blessing for our family.

 

I don't know. I just felt kind of bad because my dad looked worried.

 

I think he should just call and ask for help. then maybe the IRS could do some digging and find out that we don't have that kind of money.

 

It just worried me. I don't know about my dad investigating on his own. There are too many crazy people out there.

 

Anyways, when I first heard of this I thought about this guy my dad works with. My dad really trust him, but I don't.

I could see him stealing money and doing something with it.

 

I just don't want my family being victimized anymore. I don't want another problem. Life is difficult enough already.

 

I do believe however, that everything will get cleared up.

 

I would just like to know what's going on. Who stole money from us? Or why would someone lie about giving money to us? What made the government think we received the money? How does this work? There are other people with my father's first and last name, does that have anything to do with it?

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[Gracelove]

I felt a little sad today.

I spoke with one of my best friends. She asked me a question about my wedding ring. We had talked about it before, but she brought it up again.

 

And she is so upset that I'm spending that amount of money on my ring, and she just wouldn't let it go.

 

I didn't understand, because my wedding ring is something very special and important to me. It represents my marriage, and the love I have for my significant other, and I will wear that ring for the rest of my life.

 

And she's upset that it costs $10,000.

 

Why? She's not paying for it. She's not the one sacrificing anything so that I can have it, so what's her problem?

She's not happy for me, she's not like, "I'm so happy you found the ring of your dreams". People spend more money on their wedding dresses, but she doesn't realize it has nothing to do with money.

It's what's important to the person.

 

When she was going out and buying designer clothes, I wasn't harping on her. I was happy, that she was happy.

 

And I could understand if someone else wasn't happy for me. But it hurts that my "best friend" isn't happy for me.

 

I mean, I was always taught, if you want something you can have it. You may have to work really hard for it, wait for it, or sacrifice a lot for it, but you can get it, if it means that much to you.

 

And that's what I'm doing. I'm working and saving so that I can have the ring I want.

 

I just think she's frustrated because she just got out of a relationship, and she has a child.......but what does that matter. You're suppose to love and be happy for your friends.

 

It just makes me question the type of friend that she is. Because the girl who set me up, used to tell me that she was jealous of me, but I never really believed her. I just brushed it off, ignored it, and then it was too late.

Maybe if I would have just listened to what she was saying, then I would have realized who she was before it was too late.

 

I don't like being hurt. Other people can try and hurt me, but I can be strong. But when someone I love really hurts me, it's hard.

 

I really loved that girl who betrayed me, which is why it hurt so much.

 

I've had just as much difficultly with her role in it, than I have with the rape itself. The betrayl made it so much worse. And I never wanted to believe that someone could really be like that.

 

I mean, you hear about people murdering other people.......but it's like it's hard to actually picture someone planning that out, or being sinister. It's hard to think it's for real.

Maybe because I don't really understand the way those people are thinking.

 

I've said some things I've wanted to do to my rapist, but I never could because I hate to see people in pain.

I hate to see people crying, because it hurts me too.

 

That's why I secretly wished someone else would do something to him (the rapist), that way justice would be served and I wouldn't have any part in it.

 

But anyways, I'm over him to a certain degree. I mean, you know someone for a couple of hours, they rape you, how much of that person can you really retain.

 

I know what he looks like, but I tend to think of him without a face. Because I never want to have to see that face again.

 

It's okay. That's what I tell myself when I cry sometimes. Although I hate crying, it happens. I think it's a little more frequent lately...about once every two weeks.

 

But I can't help the crying. And I don't want to go to therapy again because, with a new therapist, I'll have to relive everything all over again, while explaining the situation I'm in. And I don't feel ready for that.

 

Sometimes I think I'm doing okay, and then other times, I realize I'm not doing as great as I'd like to imagine.

 

Anyways, on a funny note, I came home and there were two packages for me. Right away I figured they are from my dad. He likes sending me things in the mail although we live in the same house, I think he wants me to feel special.

 

Well, I open them up and there are dvd's on fighting depression, LOL!!!!

 

That really made me laugh out loud. And then the other package had some kind of vitamin suppliment that's suppose to relieve stress.

 

It's really cute.

 

My dad never gives up.

 

My poor little kitten. She just loves my older cat Amber, she's always so happy to see her.......and Amber always hisses in her face, or hits her at times.

 

I should be a good mother. I should take my kitten outside on a leash. Afterall, it's not always about me. I think I'll take her out now.

 

Thanks for listening guys!!!

 

 

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[Gracelove]

Okay, I have to write about this.

 

This sports guy, I don't know if you would call him an anchor, anyway.......he was talking about the Duke Laccross players.

 

And he was like, "If you've got to get something sexual, then make sure you get it by yourself, not in a group".

 

He said some other stuff that was kind of crazy. He said, "if you're going to do something keep it private."

 

I mean....considering the whole thing was about rape, I don't think that's to best thing to say. He was saying other stuff too and all of it together didn't sound too hot.

 

The implication was, if you're going to do something dirty do it alone. Ummmm, I don't think it's that great. How about not rape anyone in a group or not.

 

I know they were aquitted but.......it's not like the news caster was mentioning that too much.

 

Anywho, what he was saying just sounded, really really wrong. It sounded like he was telling guys how to hide their dirty work.

 

I don't know, I don't think I'll ever discount a woman who says she has been raped. I mean who would dare lie about something so horrible.

 

I know one of my therapist said she had therapy sessions with a few people who lied about rape.

Can you believe it? Why would someone do that?

 

I guess just.....well, being a rape victim, I feel the worst thing is not being believed. I haven't had that problem, because fortunately I have reputation of being honest, but the fear is still there. It's like one of the worst things that could happen.

It's so sad.

 

On the news they said that they won't press charges against the girl because she honestly believes she has been raped.

 

Okay, I totally believe the girl because there is no way on the planet you can imagine being raped. If you are raped you know it. You can try to deny it to yourself if you'd like, but you can't escape it.

Unfortunately it's burned into your memory and nothing will make it go away.

So if they believe that she believes it happened...........

 

Anywho, they were talking about there being no evidence, but that doesn't make me think they are innocent. I mean, if you take a shower the evidence is gone, or actually maybe not.

I thought that was the case, but I think someone told me they can tell looking at the ripping down there. Eww, horrible.

 

When I saw how badly ripped I was it was like being stabbed in the heart all over agin, it's really sad.

 

Anywho, I like to comfort and console people, and if that girl was really raped, how will she ever recover?

I mean is there any hope for her? I don't know... I mean that is so traumatizing. To be raped and then have your rapist declared as innocent in front of the world (if she was raped that is). I don't think any human being could ever recover from that. It's so sad.

 

I don't really know much about the case aside from a few things I've heard on the news. I wonder if she went to a therapist. A therapist could probably vouche for her sincerity.

 

It just hurts, you know, it hurts me to hear about people being raped. It's such a horrible thing. It ruins people's lives.

 

Whew! I don't know, I just feel like us women who've been raped have to stick together (and men also).

 

Even though I know it has happened it's so hard for me to believe someone could lie about being raped. For a person to do that, they would have to be absolutely heartless.

 

I'm starting to feel a little emotional.

Usually when they talk about rape on T.V. I turn away. It's hard to hear.

 

And now I am so stuck on it again.

 

Being victimized like that is one of the worst things ever. I mean you couldn't even imagine that it would have that type of affect.

And the bad thing is that you can't control the affect. Your mind and emotions run rampid.

 

Because no matter how hard you try it is something you will never understand.

They tell you about predators, that "it's nothing personal, if you weren't there it would be someone else. They like to feel powerful, but after raping a woman they've gotten no satisfaction out of it".

 

That part really makes me angry. They don't even get satisfaction out of it?! They destroy your life for nothing. And then they.....it's just so degrading.

 

And you know what else? Why are there so many people being raped? It's an epidemic. I mean could you just imagine if all of us got together. I'm sure we could change the laws so that a rapist gets life. I mean, because where else do they belong? Out and about destroying the rest of society.

Goodness, and there are soooo many of these people it's scary.

 

I don't view rapists as being human in my eyes. You can't go around saying, "I'm a good person I just did a bad thing", because that is the biggest piece of bulls*** I've ever heard in my entire life. If you're a rapist, you're not a good person. And I know that's judgemental, but oh well.

 

And I'm not saying that there's no hope for them, I mean Jesus can change anybody. But I don't believe, personally, that I'll ever be able to look at people like that as human beings.

 

And if those rapists could experience the aftermath of rape they'd totally agree with me.

 

My favorite therapist always said that if the rapists experienced the same things that the victims do, there would be no rapist. I totally agree with her.

Which totally brings me to the point that the whole thing is backwards. It would be better if things were actually that way.

 

And the last thing I want to hear a rapist say is that they feel guilty, guilt has got nothing on what I've been through.

 

Like you're supposed to feel sorry for them because they feel guilty?! Give me a freakin break!

 

Whew! I'm getting heated.

 

But maybe this is what I need since I'm not in therapy anymore. I need to vent. I mean I haven't let out real anger regarding this matter in a long time.

 

The best advice my last therapist gave me, was to draw pictures of what I want to happen to the rapist and that........well, B****.

 

That was so great because it gave me permission to be angry. I think my mom was really disturbed by the pictures, but she never said anything about them.

 

I don't really like to get angry too much anymore. It's not fun. But it definitely has it's place and can be healing too.

 

I feel really happy, because I've grown a lot. Believe you me, I never thought I'd get this far. I remember when I didn't know how I would make it from minute to minute. And then being suicidal......I hated that.

I mean I am so much better off now.

 

And I want to thank you guys because so many of you told me it would get better. It made me feel good, but I didn't really believe you at the time. But you were so right.

 

Sometimes I feel sad because I wish I was all better. And then I feel guilty for having these issues while being in a relationship, because I hate to be a burden.

 

But unfortunately, that was the lot I was given.

 

At least I'm wiser now, not nearly as trusting (although that has its drawbacks).

 

The only people I feel really safe around are my parents and my boyfriend.

 

I mean, even the friends I've had for 10years +, I no longer trust.

 

And it's so sad because they didn't do anything to me.

 

And I want to make new friends. Spend more time with people. But I would feel uncomfortable going to restaurants with people. And I don't think I'll ever leave a drink, ever. Not even a water. Nothing. And what about my children? I don't want them emulating any strange behavior I have. I don't want them to grow up being suspicious of others. See all the new things I have to now consider because of that jack***. Anywho......I know I don't have any children now, but I always plan in advance.

 

But what can I do? I can't change things. I hate to think that this was meant to be apart of my life. I mean, sometimes I think maybe, because otherwise it wouldn't have happened.

 

So I kind of feel I was born to grow up and become a rape victim, isn't that so sad.

Life is wonderful! But I also feel uncomfortable saying it sucks as well.

 

There is just so much hurt and pain going around in this world.

 

I mean, what made my rapist rape me? And why to I call him "my rapist" he's not my anything. He's a demon from hell.

 

But anywho, why does he rape women. And I'm not some naive child, I know he has done it before. He's too darn calculating and confident to be new at it.

 

But I hope that detective contacting him, burst his confidence bubble.

Gosh I would have lovvvvvvvvvved to see the look on his face when he got that call. He isn't as good of a rapist as he thought.

Actually he's a freaking idiot. I know his name, face, where he went to school. Did he think he was sooo powerful I would fear him and keep my mouth shut? Sorry, didn't happen.

I mean and just think how freakin cocky he is to admit it to me. Oh gee, thanks for telling me, like I didn't know I was raped.

Oh, so incase he thought I wasn't hurting enough, he felt the need to remind me that he raped me. Oh, doesn't he feel so special.

What does he think I am, a freakin retard.

Like I couldn't close my eyes for one minute and not see what he did to me.

 

You know, even though I wouldn't do it, I love to imagine my relatives paying him a visit. It's not good to imagine those things.....I know it's wrong.....I guess I can't justify thinking about it really, but it is nice to know that if they did pay him a visit he'd see his dirty deed everytime he looked in the mirror.

I guess I feel kind of bad thinking about that, because I know it would happen if I told certain people. Even if I didn't want them to they would. So to an extent I still have to keep my rape a secret.

 

I much rather think about all the horrible things that probably won't happen to him. That's more comforting.

 

Anywho....

 

And then the detective said he (the rapist) claims it was consensual. I knew he would lie, but it still makes me want to slap the mess out of him.

 

If he professed his sins to the entire world would I think so badly of him????

Probably. But I think I might actually have a little respect for him. Having respect for my rapist.....that would be a first one.

 

Anywho, grrrrrrr.What can I do really? I can vent. I can think about how much I abhor that little lying rapist.

 

But what can I do really?

 

What's the point when I believe God will punish the freakin mess out of him. I know I shouldn't rejoice in someone else's punishment, but it will still be a glorious day!

 

Because lets face it, God knows how to hurt him better than I ever could. And I trust God to do that, why? Because he's JUST.

 

So you see, it's actually very foolish for me to think about how much I dislike him.

Because would I still dislike him if I knew he was suffering inside everyday??? No, I wouldn't dislike him so much, because he'd be getting what he deserves and I'd feel justified. And happy.

 

But let's face it, he won't suffer from guilt because he doesn't have a conscious. So he'll be made to suffer another way. I don't know how, but I'm sure he'll experience it before his death.

 

I mean, is venting really good? I think that it is sometimes, it's better than keeping things inside.

But then sometimes I'd like to believe, that if I never spoke of the rape again, it would gradually cease to exist in my mind. And maybe, just maybe one day someone would bring it up, and I could honestly say, "Oh, I forgot".

 

But who am I kidding, just wishful thinking.

 

And I really feel like crying. Sometimes I don't know what to do.

 

Maybe I should just continue to starve myself. That should make me feel better, or........

 

I'll just continue to look for a second job, because when you're dead tired you have no time to think of anything else.

 

Oh great! It's the sport newscaste I was talking about is back on T.V.! I must have been typing for a while.

 

My head hurts. Too much stress is bad for me these days. I used to be an expert at controlling stress, now.........now it turns my world upside.

 

Well, I think I better go do something now.

 

Thanks for listening!

 

~Grace

 

 

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[Gracelove]

Being that this is my journal, I'm coming here to vent.

 

I am so angry I am physically shaking right now.

 

I decided to contribute to one of the posts and this little girl decided to attack me and refer to me an being irrational for bringing up the topic of possible rape to a mother who is leaving her 17 year old girl home alone (for however many days; her daughter had a male visitor). Anywho, I was just trying to be helpful.

 

And this other poster just decides to vent at me! For absolutely no reason.

 

I didn't attack her point of views and address anything to her at all.

 

I just think she is so unbelivably rude to attack me for attempting to help someone else.

And then, also, extremely arrogant to think that what she has to say is more important than what anyone else would have to say/like to contribute.

 

I mean, some people!!!

 

She had the nerve to tell me to "get real" when it comes to rape!

Is she freakin serious!!!!!

 

I live with the reality of rape and post traumatic stress disorder, and anxiety disorder, and depression because of this rape EVERYDAY.

 

And I don't see how anyone who could have ever been raped, could be so insensitive about that subject.

 

And then to justify her attack she thought she'd call me "sweetie" and tell me her father raped her.

 

I mean how could someone who has been raped, attack someone else who has been raped simply for bring it up.

 

Some people are just so.....I don't know, I can't even think of the term.

 

I wasn't even talking to her.

 

It's just wrong. And it wouldn't bother me so much if I wasn't so sensitive about the matter.

 

She claims to have been raped 8 years ago, but I was just raped a year ago, ya know.

 

I don't know, it's just discouraging. I know my mom was talking about me joining a support group. And I consider this place to be a support group for me.

How am I suppose to feel about physically going to a support group when there could be people like this poster there.

 

I mean you expect to be attacked by rapists not fellow rape victims.

 

But maybe that's just another way I am naive in my thinking.

 

People are people. Raped or not. You'll always have those malicious people there.

 

I don't even know what to do right now. I'm in shock.

I've always considered this to be my safe place. I didn't expect to be attacked here.

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[Gracelove]

Okay, I'd hate to leave on a bad note.

 

I'm feeling much better now. I'm no longer shaking.

 

I actually feel kind of good, because I learned something new about myself.

I'm much stronger than I realized.

 

I mean I was upset about being attacked at first. But I'm not feeling that way anymore.

I realize that, that person (poster) being aggressive towards me, really doesn't have anything to do with me at all. It's really all about her. And how she feels about herself.

 

I'm so glad because I reallllly didn't expect to calm down so much so fast. This is a really good thing.

 

I've been kind of leery (sp?) of people since the rape. But maybe this is the being of a turning point. I guess people can't hurt me the way I thought they could.

 

I can't believe I have work today. Work is only a few hours away for me.

And I know my parents are going to wake me up to go to the gym soon.

 

I am going to be soooo tired. I know I'm not going to want to wake up.

 

I've been feeling a little more optimistic (with the exception of a rough day this past Tuesday). I was so depressed I didn't go to work. My dad something that really stressed me and it just went down hill from there.

 

But I have a really sweet boss and he's letting me make up the hours on Saturday.

 

There is so much to think about. I still want a second job. I'm holding out for a job that pays me more than what I'm making now.

 

I get my degree next month so I'm really happy!

 

I'm trying to picture how I'll save (a certain amount) of money, get my own place, get married, go on a honeymoon, purchase the wedding rings, and prepare for graduate school all at the same time.

 

Whew!

 

But I guess I should be glad I have so much to look forward to. I remember a time when I didn't.

 

There is an Ivy League school in the area where I live. I think I'd like to go there for graduate school. The only thing is that I don't believe they have the graduate program I'm looking for.

 

So....I don't know what I should do. Should I compromise and study something I'm not that interested in, but would make me money?

 

After getting an undergrad in something I don't really plan on using, I'd like to focus on something that I really enjoy.

 

I love learning about certain things. I really want to enjoy going to school, as I did when I was younger.

 

Well, I've got to go, someone is doing someweird banging somewhere around my house. I'm off to wake the parents.

 

Love you guys!

 

Thanks for listening.

 

P.S. I'll correct typos in the morning.

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[Gracelove]

Okay, I'm back.

Apparently owls or an owl on the roof was keeping up all of that noise.

 

My dad said they are trying to crack open nuts. I thought they only ate rodents, but I could be wrong.

 

I love owls!!!

 

They are soooo cute! I've seen a few around. I love their big eyes, and the way they turn their necks around to look at you.

 

Oh my gosh, one morning, about a month ago. I was cleaning out my cats' poop box.

I was throwing it off of the deck, into an open field.

Well, I guess there was an owl in the tree! He saw a big load of crap coming his way and flew away so fast! LOL!

 

Poor thing!

 

And then, before that, maybe about a month to two months prior, I saw one sitting on the railing of our deck.

He was so beautiful!!!

 

I don't know, I've always loved animals. They are so sweet and precious! Being around them always seems to lift my spirits.

 

Graduation is right around the corner. And believe it or not, I'm not feeling anxious about it anymore.

 

Thinking and searching for this second job is really keeping my mind occupied.

 

I must say, that "Secret" DVD...well I don't really like it. But it really has helped me a lot.

 

Thinking positively has really helped.

 

I don't know, the DVD reminded me of an info-mercial (sp?). And then they seem to play the same music throughout the whole movie.

 

And then the idea of the law of attraction.....

I am okay with it in some ways, but not others.

 

I mean, I don't think that everything that comes your way, come because you attracted it.

It makes me think of little children who've been molested. I don't believe they attracted that to themselves. And it also makes me think of those molesters you've said that sex with a child was consensual (sp?) and they wanted it. I don't know, it's disturbing.

 

Anywho, back to thinking positively.

 

Oh, you know how I mentioned my dad buying DVD's about overcoming depression? Well it wasn't my dad, it was my mom. She said they were hers, but they had my name on them.

 

Today she wanted me to listen to one of the CD's with her. The CD was in regards to helping family and friends understand what victims of depression and anxiety are feeling.

She wanted me to listening and tell her whether I thought the CD was "Authentic" or not.

 

I guess you keep it for 30 days, and if you don't like it, you send it back before they charge you $400.00 for it.

 

Anywho, some of the stuff they were saying was true, and other stuff didn't apply to me.

 

They said that, "these types of people" are.....

*obsessive thinkers.

~ That is soooo true on my part! I think about things constantly, non-stop.

 

*Above average intelligence.

~ Hate to "toot my own horn", but I'm pleased to say that applies to me as well.

 

*Have issues with perfection

~ Soooo true, but my mom is any extreme perfectionist so I think I just picked that up from her

 

Humm.....what else did they say.......

 

Oh ya, that "these people are"....

*Extremely sensitive

~ Ding, ding, ding!!! I've been sensitive since I was a child, lol. If my parents raised their voice .....

 

Okay, wait, I heard the owl now

 

....at me I would break down crying (then the teenager years came and that changed).

I'm tougher now, much tougher compared to before but if I feel my boyfriend is displeased with me....my eyes well up with tears, and my lips start to quiver, and it's alllll over, LOL!

Still sensitive unfortunately.

 

Let's see, what else...........

 

*They always think of the what "ifs"

- I used to think of every bad thing that could ever happen and then plan how I would handle the situation gracefully, LOL! Crazy huh? I never wanted any surprises, or to feel unprepared.

 

*They always want to know the reason for something, "why?"

- if there is a problem, I'll think about it over and over until I find a solution or an answer to that question (I guess that's apart of the obsessive thinking)

 

 

 

Things that didn't apply to me.......

 

*Always worrying about health

*Avoids social situations

~ my mom said, "That's you!" lol! But I don't totally agree with that. Sometimes, yes, I don't feel like being bothered. But to quite a few people I'm known as a social butterfly (that was before the rape of course).

It is said people avoid situations because they're afraid they'll do something embarrasing. Okay, that's totally not me.

Although I do admit I was embarrased about gaining weight after the rape........okay, maybe I still am, just a tiny bit.

 

*They are always worried about what others think about them.

~ I would say that only applies to me about 40% of the time. I don't want to be insensitive to others if I can help it.

I want to make sure that I'm an overall good person, but I don't really think that has that much to do with people liking you.

 

Umm, I don't know, there were a few other things also.

 

I think it could be a good tape series. It gave family members tips on how to work with people dealing with these issues. And I'd really like my parents to follow some of those tips.

 

And then I was able to understand my father a little more. They were talking about how frustrating it can be for loved ones not to have answers/ways to fix these problems in the ones they love.

 

My dad thinks I'm in serious trouble because I'm "isolating myself". I really don't think it's that serious. I've made so much progress and somethings just take time. However he is really freaking out.

 

They are really worried about my weight too. And I must say this. I'm huge compared to what I used be but, I'm not really "fat". Although I call myself fat.

I think the weight loss will come.

 

I've lost 9lbs. and although I know it's hardly anything I'll lose the rest soon.

 

I'm just "self medicating". When I eat I feel better. I just do. There was a time where not eating made me feel better.

It has been back and forth my whole life, that's just the way it goes.

 

Anywho, I think I'm getting sleepy.

Why do the days have to be so long?

 

I realllllllly don't want to go to the gym today. Not at 4 in the morning.

 

Oh well, off to sleep I go.

 

Thanks for listening guys!!!

 

Sincerely, Grace

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[Gracelove]

Morning all!!!

 

I have to type this soooo fast (trying to get to work early again).

 

My mom has always been the one who has the power in this household. And this morning I discovered she's losing her power over me.

 

My mom has always bullied me into doing something she wants me to do. She does this all of the time because it works so well for her, with the exception of morning.

 

She comes banging on my door around 3:00am or 4:00am. I tell her I won't be going to the gym this morning.

 

What does she do? She yells, and starts banging on my door non-stop, rapid speed, for a very long time. So of course the first couple of times I became agitated and repeated that is wasn't going.

 

And she kept asking a million questions, one right away the other, demanding answers. Same ole' same ole'.

 

I've known the beauty of a locked door before, but not fully until this morning.

 

I realized that all she can do is yell, threaten, and act reallllly immature for not getting her way. And then I started to relax. I decided that she could knock on the door until her fists bled.

 

It worked, she eventually gave up.

 

She also attempted a guilt tactic, which didn't work because it was based on something that never happened.

 

I feel so good about this. It was so hard for me, in the past, to grow as a woman because my mother had soooo much control over me (the woman was picking out my clothes at age 19, and would throw a hissy-fit if I said I didn't want to wear them.and of course, I'd always do what she wanted in the end).

 

Well, I'm off to work!

 

Love ya! Bye!

[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh!!!!

 

On link removed they have an article titled: "Forgetting a Tragic past"!!!!

 

They talk about meds. doing away with post traumatic stress disorder!

 

Isn't that so exciting!!!!

 

I haven't read the article, but I'll get right too it.

Although part of me is thinking it's probably too good to be true.

 

I'm guessing the side-effects are horrible.

 

Well, I'll read it and come back.

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[Gracelove]

Okay, here's the article

 

"Harrowing experiences damage the brain. New drugs promise to heal it. Could the end of posttraumatic stress be near?"

 

Roger Pitman, M.D., hunts nightmares for a living. Not the vivid phantasmagoria populated by zombies or disembodied skulls, or even the nude-at-the-podium orations that leave us blushing in our sleep. He's after the nonfiction variety, the indelible, enduring flashbacks that stick in our heads after reality goes awry: a saw blade meeting flesh, say, or an improvised explosive device overturning a Humvee.

I'm in Dr. Pitman's lab in Boston, watching him track down a particularly vivid figment, a stab wound to the neck that's been plaguing 43-year-old carpenter Al Carney for 2 months now. "We're about to put him back in the most horrifying moment of his life," says the Harvard psychiatrist, peeling back the top sheet on a thick medical file labeled Patient 102. In the room next door, the stout laborer sits, eyes closed, headphones on, wired with a battery of biofeedback equipment: electrodes affixed to his chest to monitor his heart rate; a forehead sensor scanning for tension; and a tiny pad on the inside of his palm measuring how much sweat seeps through his skin.

" It's 8:30 a.m. on Thursday, March 30," a narrator begins to read over the headphones. "Noticing Peter Bowman standing there, you become tense all over. He says he's here to collect a check. Feeling jittery, you tell him he needs to fix several things before you pay him any more. As the argument becomes heated, your heart beats faster. Peter becomes physically aggressive, and you feel a blow to your neck. You fall to the ground. Several people pull him off you. . . . After you're separated, you realize that you're bleeding profusely from several knife wounds."

Fade Away

 

Carney's vital signs ebb and flow on a flat-screen monitor in the corner of the room as he reimagines the assault. They spike when he's "stabbed" by Bowman. But I don't need whirring telemetry machines to tell me the narrative has struck a nerve: Carney starts fidgeting, and he taps his scuffed gym shoes together at the toes. Even though he's been asked to sit still, his head twitches back and forth against the recliner's headrest. Later, Dr. Pitman will compare Carney's physiological responses with the results from previous sessions, as well as his reactions to positive scripts used as controls—the birth of his first child, a transcendent round of golf.

Carney is one of dozens of accident victims that Dr. Pitman and his team have culled from Boston link removed to study a drug called propranolol. The study is double-blind—no one, least of all Carney, knows whether the pill he took was a placebo or propranolol. But the contractor hopes he'll get lucky and will be able to stop the spiral of substance abuse, irritability, and insomnia that started with the stabbing at the construction site.

Dr. Pitman's study is leading a new wave of research that promises to curtail the harmful psychological effects of extreme stress, especially posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Today's most common treatment, cognitive-behavior therapy coupled with drugs such as Prozac, fails at least as often as it succeeds. Dr. Pitman hopes that defusing horrible memories—that high-school car crash, the abusing babysitter—could within 5 years become less difficult with the help of propranolol.

"Posttraumatic stress disorder is just a memory that has its volume set too loud," Dr. Pitman observes, thumbing through a thick sheaf of case histories. "Something turned up the switch. We're trying to turn it back down again."

Surviving Trauma

 

We all have things we'd like to forget. And some of us have things we can't bear to remember. According to the National Center for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, 61 percent of American men will be exposed to a traumatic event in their lifetimes. And, according to the National Comorbidity Survey, 5 percent of men nationwide will develop PTSD at some point in their lives. These men include 9/11 survivors, Hurricane Katrina victims, and, increasingly, military veterans: According to a 2005 study published in the New England Journal of Medicine, 17 percent of Iraq war veterans suffer from PTSD, anxiety, or depression.

But the disorder also hits closer to home. Domestic disputes, burglaries, accidents, and even surgeries can engrave malignant memories on the brain. One recent study suggests that more than 15 percent of link removed victims suffer from PTSD, slowing recovery and increasing chances of a second attack.

Not every man who falls victim to atraumatic event develops PTSD, of course. To be diagnosed, you must experience a laundry list of symptoms for more than a month. Some people, inexplicably, shrug off serious trauma without a second thought. Carney is somewhere in between the two extremes: While the past has become an inescapable drag on the present, it is a nagging presense, not an overriding one.

"We all have stress hormones, and we're all affected by them," says Deane Aikins, Ph.D., a Yale psychologist who heads up the cognitive neuroscience wing of the National Center for PTSD. "We're just now beginning to understand why some of us are inherently more resilient to the stress, and how maladaptive behaviors learned at an early age can impact us for the rest of our lives."

Just as cancer researchers have made countless discoveries about how normal cells live and die, so have PTSD researchers used their unique niche to shine a broader spotlight on the delicate interaction between the brain and the body. And what they've learned has implications far beyond PTSD. It could change how we think about stress altogether.

 

All in a Day's Work

 

"I should never have even been at the mill," says Terrell Kyle, a 43-year-old cabinetmaker from Caribou, Maine. "That's what really gets me."

Kyle is the sort of solitary woodworker who'd rather fashion the occasional cabinet in his garage workshop than work behind the big-mill, big-money lumber machines that churn thousands of logs into millions of planks each day. But in the winter of 2005, his family short on cash, he went back to the mill, reluctant but resolute.

About 3 months in, and just 25 minutes before the end of a brutal graveyard shift, the conveyor belt of lumber under Kyle's watch jammed. He walked over to do the usual routine: Hit the kill switch, clear the board, restart the saw. And that's how it might have gone, in fact, if he'd been more familiar with the equipment, if it hadn't been his 10th machine of the day, or if he hadn't been working at high speed for 11 hours and 35 minutes among some very sharp, very dangerous, very finicky machinery. As it happened, he dislodged the board, his hand kicked back into 24 inches of whirring steel, and, in a flurry of blood and blade, Kyle lost all the fingers and the thumb on his left hand.

"I keep coming back to that moment," he says. "I know I was screaming. But here's the thing: I don't ever remember looking at my hand. That moment is just lost. My supervisor came over, and I told him I had lost all of my fingers, so I'm sure I knew. But I just walked out of the mill and had a cigarette."

The orthopedic surgeon at the nearest hospital decided Kyle's injuries were beyond his reach, so the carpenter was helicoptered, along with a plastic bag containing four of his fingers breaded in sawdust, to Massachusetts General Hospital. There, he met an on-call member of Dr. Pitman's team and was administered a pill—either propranolol or a placebo—and underwent reattachment surgery.

The Role of Adrenaline

 

Kyle's hand rejected the fingers soon after, and months later, he still can't erase the painful memories. "Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off as an automobile-accident victim with amnesia," he says. "The memory just seemed to impregnate itself so that it's there, all the time, like static, on the fringes of my mind, finding a way to intrude on my other thoughts. Anything going around fast creates this clenching feeling inside my chest. A snowblower. An airplane propeller. Car wheels. I often think I'm having a heart attack. I mean, consciously I know I'm not in any danger. But subconsciously, it makes me want to run, to get away, to not look, to plug my ears."

Kyle's psychological symptoms—blackouts, flashbacks, depression, anxiety, insomnia, irritability, and hypervigilance—aren't the only tolls paid by PTSD sufferers. In a 2006 study, researchers in Switzerland found that the syndrome significantly raises the levels of a key blood-clotting agent, promoting arteriosclerosis and, by extension, increasing the risk of heart disease. Traumatic stress has also been linked to immune system, gut, and muscle disorders, such as hemorrhaging and ulcers.

Posttraumatic stress amounts to a spectacular breakdown of what is normally a very helpful mechanism. Bundling an emotional component with a memory dovetails with Darwin's theory of natural selection, says Dr. Pitman. "If you, as a Paleolithic man, happen to be taking a new route to the watering hole one day and encounter a crocodile, you'd better remember that crocodile," he says. "If you don't, you'll be eliminated from the gene pool. Adrenaline not only helps you escape, but strengthens that emotional component to make sure you won't forget."

But extremely traumatic events can unleash a torrent of stress hormones, searing the memory into the brain. That's where propranolol enters the picture. It blunts the impact of stress hormones on the amygdala, the small, emotional control center in the middle of your brain. As a result, the brain is able to encode the traumatic memory as a factual event, a garden-variety horrible memory, rather than a world-changing, panic-inducing schism in consciousness. It's like removing the crescendo of violins from the climax of an action movie: You still know what's happening, but you're able to focus on just the facts.

 

Erasing Memories from the Hard Drive

 

Propranolol is part of a class of drugs called beta-blockers already being used to treat real-time anxiety disorders, such as performance anxiety in public speakers. Dr. Pitman's study hinges on administering the drug within 6 hours of a traumatic event. And other researchers have been stretching the window even further—uncovering new revelations about how memories are made and stored in the brain. "The old story was that once memories are stored, they're stored forever," says Karim Nader, Ph.D., a researcher at McGill University, in Montreal. Nader specializes in the relatively new field of memory "reconsolidation," the subsequent revision of a memory after it's already been transferred into long-term storage. "But what I found is that once you access a memory, you have to restore it. It's kind of like taking a file off the hard drive and putting it into RAM—you have to save it to the hard drive all over again, or parts of it can get lost."

Nader and his researchers have found an ingenious way to induce just such a memory loss—even in patients more than 3 decades removed from a traumatic event. First, he administers propranolol, effectively hitting the emotional mute button. Then he uses the same sort of prerecorded narration that Dr. Pitman (a co-researcher on the project) does to bring the memory into RAM. Finally, he moves on to other memories, and the patient's brain naturally "reconsolidates" the traumatic one with much less drama. Nader is now expanding the study in an attempt to corroborate his results with a larger group of subjects.

" Nobody knows when they're going to be in a car accident, or be raped, or be kidnapped, so trying to give them a pill within 6 hours of the trauma is difficult," he says. "But we can control the memory now, bringing it back to the point of sensitivity no matter when it occurred. This could have implications for all kinds of problems: drug addiction, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or anything where you need to change the wiring in the brain."

As visceral as they may be, traumatic events—explosions, stabbings, car crashes—may be less to blame for PTSD than the brains of the sufferers themselves. That's the lesson from as-yet-unpublished research on the army's 10th Mountain Division, a light-infantry, rapid-deployment force that has been dispatched into active duty more frequently than any other army division over the past decade.

Stress Resistance

 

What's unique about these soldiers, beyond their combat training and high stress levels, is their uniformity: They're all healthy, they're all screened often to eliminate psychological maladies and substance abusers, and, most important, they're all willing to let Deane Aikins, the Yale psychologist, scan their brains, drain their blood, and shock them with a small probe, all in the name of science.

Aikins, a soft-spoken researcher charged with helping the Department of Veterans Affairs plan its approach to treating the waves of soldiers returning from Iraq, designed an experiment to compare how the soldiers would react to two different stimuli: an innocuous pulse of light, and a pulse of light paired with a slight electrical shock. He found that soldiers who overreacted to the innocuous stimulus were more likely to develop PTSD in Iraq if exposed to a traumatic event (95 percent of active-duty members are) than the cool-hand Lukes in the crowd. What could the key physiological difference be? A chemical called neuropeptide Y.

"In another study, we found that stress-resilient guys were under the same amount of combat stress as the PTSD guys, and indeed some of them were from the same unit," says Aikins, who plans to publish his research this fall. "But there's an explosion, somebody dies, a Humvee flips, and then one guy gets PTSD and another guy from the same unit doesn't. Why? Lo and behold, we're finding that the men who are unflappable may also have lower levels of cortisol and higher levels of neuropeptide Y."

Neuropeptide Y is one of hundreds of compounds involved in the complicated braiding of stress signals and memory. It isn't easily administered or synthesized, and so Aikins's research is valuable largely for prescreening for PTSD susceptibility, rather than as a means of treatment. But it's proof positive that the way we react to any stress—even a slight shock and an annoying flash of light—dictates the way we're likely to react to the most extreme stressors.

 

Flight-or-Flight Response

 

Beneath all the bells and whistles, behind all the high-level cognition—calculus, poetry, Sudoku—the brain is just a fancy system for detecting and avoiding stress. Nobel Prize-winning researcher Eric Kandel demonstrated this more than 50 years ago by analyzing the nervous system of a simple sea snail, called aplysia. The snail's nervous system, Kandel found, would change at the synaptic level when it "learned," strengthening the connection between nerve cells that carry out a particular behavior (gill retraction) and sensory nerve cells that react to a stimulus (mechanical probe). It was a seminal discovery: Actual physical changes, both in how the neurons connect to one another and within the chemical gateways that govern the firing of each neuron itself, underlie learning and memory.

The consequence of having a brain tuned to change with even minor stress, however, is that it's extra-sensitive to overload by extreme stress. Over the past decade, molecular biologists have begun to unravel how this happens at the cellular level.

"The brain is like a collection of mobile phone networks," says Hermona Soreq, Ph.D., a Jerusalem-based neurobiologist who has developed a drug to block PTSD at the DNA level. "They all communicate within themselves, but also within each other. We know that when there is a big disaster, like the recent missile attacks, the network crashes. That's posttraumatic stress for you. That's what we see in the shelters and streets every day."

Soreq's motivation for beating PTSD is anything but academic: I spoke with her the day before the UN-proposed cease-fire went into effect in the Israeli-Lebanese conflict, as she feared for the safety of her son, a soldier, and as both sides bombed and strafed to try to claim victory with the deadline looming.

Threats of any kind—especially life-threatening ones—trigger the release of the fight-or-flight neurotransmitter acetylcholine. Add more and the neurons fire faster and more efficiently, speeding up the network. Take it away—this is what chemical-warfare agents like Sarin or Zyklon B do—and you essentially shut down the network. To keep us on an even keel, the brain releases certain chemicals to help tone down this fight-or-flight response after the threat has passed. But if we keep seeing Dr. Pitman's crocodiles, even just in our heads, these compounds can permanently alter the structure of our brain, disrupting our neurochemical balance and leading to PTSD-like problems.

Playing God with the Brain

 

Soreq's drug, called Monarsen (after her nickname, Mona), stops the unbalancing by blocking production of one of these buffering compounds, a persistent, fast-moving version that appears only during stressful situations. Monarsen effectively handcuffs the compound's DNA blueprint, or gene, from being turned into a biologically active protein, cutting the problem off at the source.

"What we do in present-day therapy, with drugs such as Prozac or propranolol, is the least economical approach," says Soreq. "We try to block the bottom of the gene-expression pyramid—the proteins, the stress hormones such as cortisol or adrenaline," she says. "But you have one gene at the top of the pyramid controlling everything, so why not aim there?"

Monarsen, then, is the equivalent of using a laser-guided missile to target an enemy's headquarters instead of razing the entire town. That precision enables it to be administered in smaller doses, with fewer side effects. And because acetylcholine impacts cellular signaling throughout the body, from the immune system to the red blood cells, it may prevent an even wider range of stress-caused symptoms.

"Our goal is to prevent changes in the brain that have the potential to ruin the life of a child who spends 4 weeks in a bomb shelter, or the victims of 9/11," she says. "Or the soldiers now fighting in Iraq."

"That's like playing god with the brain," says Barry Romo, a national coordinator with a Vietnam-veterans antiwar group. "One of the things that keeps us from remaking mistakes is looking back and having regret, as opposed to thinking, Well ..., that was a close shave, but at least I'm okay."

Romo, one of a small but very vocal group of critics of Soreq's and Dr. Pitman's research, worries that the way we interpret memories, whether terrifyingly vivid or naive and nostalgic, is part of who we are as individuals. To tinker with that is to step onto unsteady ethical ground.

 

Avoiding Abuse

 

"I think people have a right to have medication, if they need it, but I have to wonder what these drugs will be used for in the hands of police or the military or someone who doesn't deserve them," he says. "We don't want to create a bunch of storm troopers who can do anything they want without having to worry about the repercussions."

Dr. Pitman, for his part, says that's overstating what such drugs can do—at least for now. "I think it's far-fetched, but it's possible that something like that will be found. I don't think it's going to be with propranolol, but it's possible," he says. "But then you get into the question of 'Do we hold back a drug from people it can help simply to prevent others from abusing it?' If we practiced that, then nobody in the hospital would be able to get morphine for their pain. When you're talking about people who are dying of cancer, it's not really a tough decision."

Cabinetmaker Terrell Kyle won't know for another year whether he received the placebo or the active drug in Pitman's double-blind study. But simply learning about the biology of his disorder has helped Kyle deal with the flashbacks and panic attacks, rein in his rage around the house, and reconnect with his daughter, who, he says, bore the brunt of his mood swings. The prosthetic he's been given is too clumsy for detailed woodworking, but Kyle hopes that someday he might even be able to fire up some of the new tools that now sit in his garage gathering dust.

"Some people go through years and years of torture," he says. "Should we mess with their memories? Should we be able to take those thoughts away? Absolutely. We want to act as though nothing happened, but it's never that easy."

"It's not about playing God," Kyle goes on. "It's about finding a way to feel human again."

 

~ link removed

 

This article is sooo long, I'll probably have to wait until I get home before I can read it all.

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[Gracelove]

Well, I've just read the first page. It's interesting so far.

 

What's weird is that my therapist would talk about the brain, and how things won't "connect anymore".

I kind of understood what she was talking about, but I didn't realize that trauma could Damage the brain. That's horrible!

 

I don't know, but I think I'm recovering nicely. At first it seemed like my brain wasn't working at all, but about 9months later, it was functioning better. But I think I'm recovering.

 

I'll keep reading, but I hope any damage incurred(sp?) by the brain isn't permanant

 

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm back!!!

 

Gosh I can't believe I have to come to work tomorrow. That really sucks!

 

But just because I have a issues, it doesn't mean I don't need to be responsible.

 

I really do have a great job. My boss is really understanding and lets me take off when I need to.

 

I do really good work also, but to some people that might not matter as much, so I'm really fortunate.

 

I've really got to urinate.

 

But for some reason I always prefer to hold it. Running to the restroom can be such an inconvience as times.

 

It's that time of the month too, so I'm really tired.

I just want to be home right now.

 

You know what?! My mom and I listened to that anxiety/depression CD together, yesterday.

And she didn't even bother to follow the advice!

 

What she did this morning was totally against what they were suggesting.

 

Sometimes I look at her and can't believe that she's my mother.

I wonder why she is acting this way.

I understand that people don't like to give up control, but still, I certainly didn't think that she'd react this way.

 

I'm starting to wonder if it's because she's aging. Both of my parents act a little funny sometimes.

It worries me at times.

 

I've seen how my grandmother has gotten worse over the years (due to aging).

It's pretty bad.

 

How do you deal with that? When I'm in my 30's will I have to take care of my parents?

 

That would be really challenging considering that I want to have children in my 30's.

 

I don't know, I'm growing up. And I realize that soon I'll be a really old woman also. Then I'll have to think about dying, hospitals, the journey to the next life.

 

Maybe I'll use my powers of positive thinking so that I may died of carbon monoxide while sleeping at home, LOL!

 

I always wanted to die an old woman, comfortable in my bed.

 

Although when I took a hazard class and heard of how carbon monoxide affects the body, I realized it might not be as pleasant as I'd like to believe. I mean there could be 2hrs. of nausea and headaches before I actually die.

 

But I still have at least 60 to 70 good kicking years left. I mean, when you think of it that way, life actually seems quite long. Maybe I'll be glad to go then.

 

I've also thought it would be really nice to die on a grassy hill. When the sun is out but there is a cool breeze, and flowers around. And a big nice shady tree near by.

 

I'd rather die among fresh air as opposed to in a hospital.

 

I wonder what's on Oprah today. I think it was suppose to be something good.

Maybe I'll make it home in time to see the last 30min.

 

It's about that time anyways.

 

Bye guys!!!

 

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[Gracelove]

Good morning everyone!!!

 

It's Satuday, a beautiful rainy Saturday!

 

I have to go to work today. I was hoping I could be there by 3am and home by 11am, but that didn't happen.

 

I'm sitting on the edge of the bed thinking about whether I should go on this lemonade diet again.

Well actually, I've made up my mind to do it.

 

But because it's Saturday, and I'm going to work; I'd like to "treat" myself with food.

 

Oh well, this sharade can't go on forever.

 

Well, I'm off! I hope everyone has a great day today.

 

Lots of love your way!

 

~Grace

 

 

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[Gracelove]

It's nice to be here on the weekend. Absolutely no interruptions.

 

I got a little flustered this morning. I was running all over the house looking for my keys, then, when I got to work, the clicker wasn't working, so I couldn't get past the gate.

 

But it's okay now.

Someone finally saw me waiting out there and let me in.

 

It's dark here also, aside from a little light coming in from outside.

I feel kind of relaxed.

 

I'm on my period, so I've already cried once today.

 

I used to write in journals all of the time! I have about 30. When I used to write in my journal everyday, I was such a happy person.

 

I think I'll try that again. I guess it's a litte different now because it's online, and people can view it.

 

That makes me feel a little more guarded.

 

Anywho, I called my boyfriend but he's resting so he didn't want to talk on the phone as long as I'd like.

 

Sometimes it's really hard because I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to.

 

I had a best guy friend named Sid. We were so close. We always had time for each other.

He always had time for me.

 

I mean we shared everything together. Like best friends usually do.

I could count on him.

No matter what time of day or night, when I called he was always right there to answer.

 

I miss that a lot. We felt totally comfortable around each other.

 

My other friends, I don't bug that way. I don't call them all of the time, leave them tons of messages etc. etc.

 

I still have manners, except when it came to Sid. We both knew each other inside and out.

I felt so comfortable leaving him a million messages.

 

I miss him a lot.

 

When I was dealing with the abusive situation, he was there.

He was always there for me.

 

And I used to feel really guilty. Because I knew he loved me.

But I couldn't return it. I loved him, so much, but not in the way.

I felt in my heart, that he was my best friend. And to me that meant he would always be there.

 

I thought that being in a relationship with him would be the death of a friendship.

The longest relationship I'd ever had was 4months. And Sid and I knew each other for 2 years.

 

N-Eways, I just knew that he wasn't the one for me.

But I didn't understand why we still couldn't be friends. We enriched each others lives so much.

We did everything together, went every where together.

 

I remember the first time my mom told me that our friendship wouldn't last.

She said that we couldn't just remain friends, because he was in love with me.

 

When she told me that I cried so hard (not right in her face of course, LOL, but while I was in the shower).

It was so hard.

 

But she was right. We don't talk anymore. It's not like we couldn't.

He has reached out by sending me an instant messenger invite.

But......I don't see the point anymore.

 

I care about him, but how is a friendship suppose to work when it's so back and forth.

 

I can understand that it's hard for him to see me with someone else. But I will always be with someone else.

I don't want to hurt him anymore either. Because I know that me being with other people hurts him.

 

It's a shame too, because we were such good friends.

That by far, was the best friendship I've ever had in my entire life.

 

There were times where he was really my only true friend.

 

Not to discount all of my other friends. They were around. And I'm not ignoring them because they're such beautiful people as well. It's just that I wasn't completely open with them. You know, I didn't tell them everything on my mind. Or about my super embarrasing moments. Or how devastated I was about the way some of my ex's treated me.

 

I learned a long time ago that my friends expect me to be the strong one. The one they can always count on to encourage them, or tell them that everything was alright.

 

Even recently, I had a friend who has known me forever, refer to me as the person who has everything. A perfect life.

I was shocked! If she only knew, LOL!

 

Anywho, I needed someone who I could open up to. Someone who would comfort me and tell me that everything would be alright. And Sid was that person.

 

I remember when I was in the hospital. He would sit there with me for 6hrs. keeping me company.

 

He drove a distance to get some things I needed, and even packed my underware! I didn't even ask him to bring that. Isn't that so sweet!

 

I thought I would be washing my underware in the hospital sink, LOL.

 

Everything you could imagine, he did for me. I love him so much. And I do really miss him.

 

But I have to be an adult now. I've found the man I'm going to marry. The one I've always dreamed of and prayed for.

 

I would love for us to be friends again, but I know it won't happen.

 

I'll be married, I can't talk on the phone with another man more than I would with my own husband!

 

And that would probably be the case, because Sid is always there whereas other people are too busy.

 

Anyways, I'm in love with my boyfriend soooo much! He's my heart.

 

In a perfect world, Sidney would end up with this beautiful, gorgeous woman who treats him with love and respect.

And my husband and I could hang out with Sidney and his wife.

 

And we could be in each other's weddings. And we could live a full happy life together as great friends.

 

I would love that so much. But I doubt things will turn out that way.

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[Gracelove]

Gosh, I'm at work and I'm sooooo bored!

I just can't seem to bring myself to do any work right now.

 

I wish I could do this work at home sooooo badly!!!

 

I would just type away in front of the television.

 

Instead I'm in this dark room, bored out of my mind, LOL!

It's not fun anymore.

 

There is no activity. No body walking down the halls or anything, and I just want to fall asleep.

 

It might be more fun if I had someone to talk to on the phone. Maybe I'll call one of my friends.

 

Why do I dislike this job so much sometimes? Maybe it's because I'm not learning anything at all.

 

I learn something new once every few months.

 

I should have brought my Italian language CDs with me. Something, anything.

 

Maybe I'll just do some job searches.

Gosh, I'm soooooooooooooo lonely right now!

 

Okay, I'm going to call one of my friends.

 

Chao!

 

I like this one , I bet my boyfriend wants to do that to me sometimes, LOL!!!

 

 

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[Gracelove]

I was, well still am, reading the movie spoiler for, "Monster".

 

It's sooo sad!!!! This prostitute gets raped. I mean, horribly, just violent and sick.

 

Then she kills the guy. Did I feel sorry for that man? No. If you read it, he was about to kill her, horrible.

 

Anyways, she tries to do what many women do (myself included). She cleans her self up, and tries to ignore what happened.

 

But she can't, and she goes around with men who pick her up for sex and kills them!

Isn't that so sad!

 

She'll start telling them (according to the spoiler) that they are sick and probably molest children, etc.

Then she kills them.

 

It makes me want to cry for her and those men (but not the one who raped her).

 

I don't know exactly what I'll be doing in the future, but I definitely want to help rape victims.

 

If only there could always be someone there for us right after. Who knows what happened. Someone who could take care of us, feed us, counsel us.

I know that's not possible, but I'd like to help in some way.

 

If the character in this movie would have had someone to help her, I don't think that she would have killed those men (with the exception of the first one).

 

This movie is based on a real story, so I know the woman was put to death.

 

I mean, just think if someone could have been there for her. To comfort her. To take her to the hospital.

 

I mean, psyche wards are no fun, but they are a place to cool off, chill out, breakdown if you need to and still be safe.

 

Only, each person should have a therapist to talk to... Their own room maybe. An evaluation, medicine to help them sleep and numb the shock a little bit.

 

In her mind, every man who picked her up became her attacker.

 

I know people don't like hearing about rape or talking about it because it involves sex. But forget about the sex. It's just brutal and wrong.

 

I do think that there are some people who just brush of the notion of rape.

Because you hear about it all of the time on the news. And it happens to someone everyday, and it's just a normal part of society.

 

But it ruins people's lives, it devastates people. If only people could see that part.

 

It's like you're hurting right now, forget what caused it. You're in such much pain and nothing is making it better.

 

I remember when I was inconsolable. Food didn't make it better, alcohol didn't make it better, sleep didn't make it better, nothing made it better.

 

And most of the time I wasn't even thinking about the rape. I was in sooooo much pain that sometimes it just hurt to breathe.

 

Everything hurt. And it hurt so badly. And you were so freakin sensitive to everything.

 

It's a horrible life. It gets better, if you have help. But this poor lady had no help.

 

I mean, after I was raped, my feelings were really hurt. Because the girl who I thought was my friend, didn't offer to drive me to the hospital (at the time I didn't know she was in on it).

But I knew she knew I was sick, and wasn't okay.

And I wanted to go to the hospital so badly.

But I still had those drugs (he drugged me) in my system. I knew I couldn't drive because I was exhausted and weak.

And I pictured (at that time) what it would be like if someone would take me. And I imagined seeing a nurse in the hall.........but I couldn't imagine walking up to her and telling her I was raped. So I knew I wouldn't be going to the hospital that day.

I couldn't say the word rape out loud. Not even to myself, so I knew I couldn't say it to someone else.

 

So I just took a long shower, and refused to let myself think about it anymore. And I was so cold.

 

I just wished that someone could have been there to help me.

 

I saw a school therapist a few days later, the morning after I was suicidal.

I don't remember everything we talked about, I just remembered needing help because I was afraid to be alone and I didn't want to kill myself.

 

I remember her asking me what I expected her to do with the information she had. And I remember telling her, that whatever she needed to do was okay.

 

She asked me if I thought I would hurt myself that day. I don't remember what I said.

 

I remember that during that session she had me call a family member.

I didn't want to. I knew I couldn't tell my cousin, because she would tell other family members. I didn't feel strong enough to call my mother.

 

I called my dad. My therapist said I didn't have to tell him what happened. But I should tell him I was having a bad day because I needed to hear his reassurance.

 

So I called my dad, and that was so hard. I told him that I wasn't feeling well. He asked me what was wrong, but I just repeated that I wasn't feeling well and that I wasn't going to my classes that day.

 

He was concerned about me missing my classes and told me that maybe I should go home and rest.

Before that he asked me if I wanted him to come visit, but I said no.

 

Then, I went home to rest. I don't think I had any alcohol that day. Because I remember the couselor being concerned about that.

 

And that's how it went.

 

Anyways, um, I just feel sorry that this woman had no body. I had my friend Sidney the night before I saw the counselor.

He was on this crazy schedule at his new job.......but he stayed on the phone with me all night...until morning.

 

I was in my car in a strange parking lot in another city, it's by the grace of God my cell phone battery didn't die. Because if it did I might not be here.

 

I know it was God because my cell phone battery never lasts that long.

 

I know that was so hard for Sidney because I was a wreck. I was crying and screaming and questioning. And wanting to kill myself. And searching my car for sleeping pills I used to keep there.

 

I mean that's another reason I'll always love Sidney. He was there when I needed him the most.

 

And he kept saying, I'll come get you. I'll go get a plane ticket right now, and I'll come get you.

And he told me I could come stay with him for as long as I needed. No pressures, nothing.

 

And it makes me cry because no one other than my parents would love me that much. And of course my parents would ask tons of questions.

 

No one, no one in my whole existence has seen me that way before. It was rough....but I know it was rough for him too. It would be hard for anyone to listen to that.

To try to talk somone into staying alive when they lost everything. When they've lost themselves.

 

Anyways, you just look at people's situations, and you mourn for them.....because they had no help. No help and no hope.

And I know this is just one case of a women who was brutalized. But it's a really sad story.

And now she's dead, and these other men are dead. And there families are grieving.

It's like a domino affect, rape is.

 

Right now my parents are frustrated, and worried, and scared for me. And I don't like to acknowledge it because it hurts me.

 

I mean I think I'm doing pretty well, but they feel my life is in jeopardy. And it's hard.

And they act different ways, and get upset, and then I get stressed (which is why I missed work last Tuesday and am here today).

 

Sometimes I just don't know what to do.

 

And I don't, can't really blame my mom. I would probably be angry too. She had such a beautiful daughter. Someone who was vibrant and lively and smart. And people would always tell her how beautiful and wonderful her daughter was, and now.........

 

Now, I'm 80lbs. heavier. I don't wear nice clothes, I don't really do my hair. I sit at home on the weekends and watch T.V. and search the internet. I don't really talk to them very much, not like I used to. I don't exercise everyday like they'd like me to. I don't socialize with my friends. Sometimes I want to sleep with them in their bed.........

 

I know I have many flaws........I know I have a long way to go, but I'm trying. I'm trying to manage it without medicine, which I thought was an improvement, because they hated me on medicine.

 

I attempt the lemonade diet.

 

And it's hard, because graduation is coming up. And if I'm still the same size I am now. I know my mom is going to be embarrased and angry.

 

And the thing is, when you're this big, you can't hide the pain anymore. People see the drastic difference and they know something is wrong.

 

I know I eat to manage my mood. But how do I change that now? How do I change it, so that I can go on this diet now? How do I find something else to manage my mood?

 

Times like this, I just want to quit everything. Stay home, lay in bed, go to therapy and just work out my issues so I can get better faster.

 

But, if I quit work, I can't afford a place where I live. If I quit work and live with my parents, I doubt my boyfriend will want to marry me.

I think he feels better about us getting married because I have a job. And I think that makes him feel that I've improved and am not lazy.

 

I've never been "lazy". I've always been a hard-worker, and focused. But he didn't know me before. He only knew me after the rape.

So in a sense I have to show him the type of person I can be, the person I used to be.

 

It's rough sometimes but I really feel like I've made improvements.

With a job and money, my parents don't have to feel strained in that department. Not when it comes to me anyways.

 

Anywho, I've gone on this big tangent, LOL, or like my friend says, "It's okay Grace, you don't have to go on a stroll down memory lane". LOL!!! It's sooo funny when she says that because she has known me so long.

She may ask me a question about this incident. And I'll take this really long, deep breath, and I'll start thinking, and then she knows I'm trying to remember the whole thing, in detail, in sequence, so that I can answer her question, LOL. So she saves me and herself a lot of pain by reminding me that I don't really have to answer her question.

 

LOL! It's nice to have friends.

 

 

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[Gracelove]

Home!!!!

 

I'm so glad to be home. I really couldn't stay there for another 2hrs. I wasn't doing much of anything anyways.

 

Going to work today was such a big waste of time.

 

I was all alone in that big building. It wasn't so cool after a while.

I wasn't afraid to be there alone though.

 

I don't know why I hated being there today, but I realllly did.

 

When I get a second job, I'll be working on the weekends, but I'll be around people.

 

Oh no! My kitten is taking a crap! In a few minutes this whole room fill be filled with the pungent smell of............just kidding! I shouldn't say things like that, it's not nice. Her poop doesn't smell as powerful as it used to. I got this special food and it says that it's supposed to control oder. It's actually works pretty well. But usually I do have to crack open a window after she goes. But she's still my sweet precious little baby

 

Anywho. I was sooooooo stressed today. Or maybe just agitated. I was agitated at work, and I had a headache, and I'm on my period. And I was upset my boyfriend lives so far away, and that he won't let me stay with him. But then I understand why he doesn't want that. He's really responsible. We both want to live out here in California. I love it out here, this is my home. And he's tired of being in Alabama. I don't blame him.

I've already got our beautiful apartment picked out. There's so much we could do together in this area. The quality of life is just better.

 

I love him so much!!!

 

I don't want to have to be away from him for another 8months! It really sucks! 8 months is such a long time!

I feel like crying. Why do we have to be apart? Why in life is pain invovled in waiting for the things you want.

It sucks.

 

I know I'm supposed to be positive, and I will be again, after I finish venting.

 

I'm sleepy.

 

Oh there is a new newscaster on television.

She's really good, I like her because she talks like she's talking to a friend.

You know how news anchors usually talk? And then they have to do the head-thing when they're talking. And then their voices are always so deep.

But having someone talking normally is really nice! I even listened to her talk about sports. And I'm usually not interested in sports at all, aside from figure skating that is.

 

Speed is on T.V.! That's such a good movie. Keanu Reeves is soooo hot in this movie! What who didn't want to be Sandra Bullock when this movie came out?

 

I was young, so like any girl I would daydream. And I would pretend I was Sandra Bullock in that movie, LOL!

 

Sandra Bullock is still one of my favorite actresses 'til this day.

 

Hey, you know what. My friend M. the one who was mad about my engagement ring, my "best friend".

Well we talked the other day too. We generally have decent conversations. Today I remembered why she might be a little grumpy sounding.

 

This guy she was seeing for years, dumped her in the most horrible way.

We both knew he was a complete jerk, he even had a girlfriend.

 

I didn't know that until afterwards, but of course my friend knew all along. She was like the "other woman" only nobody is married in this story.

 

The thing is I thought she stopped seeing him so long ago. I guess she didn't want me to know, I think she was embarrased.

 

Anyways, he treated her like complete trash and said the most horrible things to her before dumping her.

 

You know, that's really sad. I had kind of forgotten about it. I mean I remembered she'd just gotten out of a relationship with a jerk but I forgot the details.

 

I know her life is hard. I never say anything about it though. I always encourage her. However I would hate to have her life right now. I know my life sucks in certain ways but I wouldn't want hers.

 

She has a child. Man, that really sucks. It might be different if she had a big family, and there were lots of little kids (more support, more help) but she doesn't.

 

There is so much she has missed out on and hasn't been able to experience because she had a child so young.

I mean I may be going through a rough times but at least I have some great memories. She hasn't even had a chance to make those type of memories.

 

I mean, and that's another thing too, she was irked out about my ring costing so much and she told me.

I was irked out about her having a kid so young, but I didn't share those thoughts with her. I just encouraged her because I knew that was what she needed.

 

In the environment I grew up in, having a child so young, and not being able to support yourself or the child, is a disgrace. Espicially if you're not married. And because I grew up in that type of society I was influenced by that type of thinking. I, personally, don't really think it's a disgrace, I just think it's depressing because it makes things sooo much harder.

 

I remember in college, I used to feel soooo sorry for the girls who became pregnant. People would look at them like they had the plague. It was so sad. And the girls who were pregnant looked like they were so ashamed.

 

I have another friend (a really close friend)who became pregnant out of wed-lock, and before graduating from college. Her parents were soooo mad!!!! And they were really mean to her throughout her pregnancy. I was so upset with her parents! She was pregnant and didn't need all of that stress. Also her boyfriend comes from a lower economic status, and her parents are realllly well off (I think that's another reason they were angry).

 

I didn't know, until my friend told me, but a lot of other women were bad mouthing her mother because she got pregnant. That didn't help at all because her parents just took it out on her.

 

Her brother also had a child, and moved back into their parents' home.

 

At the time I didn't understand why her parents were being so mean. But then I was told because it makes her parents look really bad.

 

I guess people talk badly about them because both of their children had babies with people who were 'uneducated" and "poor".

 

I don't know, it's sad. Life is life, you do the best with what you've got. Shame is a horrible thing. It just makes people feel badly about themselves, and that doesn't help people at all.

 

Anyways...

 

I think parents dream for their children. And they make all sorts of sacrifices hoping that the dreams they have for their children will come true. And when the children stray or do things that keep those dreams from coming true....parents can become pretty angry. And it's hard living with angry parents.

 

My mom gets angry sometimes, because I don't look as pretty as before, but my mom is the sweetest person. She really is. Sometimes the things she says or does are hurtful. But I'm sure some of the things I say or do hurt her. I know it reallllly hurts her to see me going off of my diet.

 

Anyways, I think having children should be a joyful fun time. With happy family and friends all around.

But I guess it's hard to be joyful when you can't survive on your own, let alone with a child.

 

Goodness, why does this topic depress me so much?! I think it's because when you're young you hear how badly adults talk about girls who get pregnant "too soon".

 

I know my mom made it clear that if I got pregnant I would be kicked out of the house. I didn't have sex until I was 20years old. LOL! I still wasn't ready for it then, but that's another story.

 

Such is life.

 

But to be perfectly honest, if I ever got pregnant too soon, I would just.......I don't know, die.

I don't want to be a mother suffering from the things I've been diagnosed with.

 

I'm going to wait until I'm completely over the whole rape thing before I have children.

 

When you're young things just become ingrained (sp?) in your mind. I wish that I wasn't so judgemental about people having children early. Because I think that's what it is..

 

And then I remember one of my guy friends. He was looking online at those dating sites. And he would see a girl that he thought was soooo attractive. But if he saw that she had a child. Oh my gosh! He would click to the next person so fast.

 

So ya, it can't just be me and the people I grew up around.

 

And then my friend "M", when she's interested in a guy, she'll hide the fact that she has a child. So even she's aware of it. So ya, I think a lot of society is that way. That doesn't make it right though.

 

I mean if I were pregnant, and people looked down on me like that, I would be so devastated.

 

But when you're pregnant and married with your own place. People are happy for you then.

 

 

Anywho, I think mother's get it tough anyway. If something is wrong with a child, the mother is always the one to be blamed.

 

It's tough being a woman.

 

 

 

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[Gracelove]

I am so sick and tired of listening to this stupid "secret" CD! My mom went out ant bought the CD. We already have the DVD!

 

Gosh as if I haven't heard enough stuff freakin goodness! I've heard this all before. I get it.

But I am sooooo sick and tired of listening to that crap!

 

I just hate the way they present it. I'd rather read about it. All the stupid music. I'm feel like I'm being brain-washed or listening to an info-mercial.

 

Talk about not feeling bad feelings. That gives me all sorts of bad feelings.

 

I don't mind the message, I think the message is good , but I hate the presentation. It's soooo annoying.

 

Anywho. And there is this one part I didn't agree with. On the CD she made some comment about nothing coming into your space, or life, that you don't want to come in.

 

I totallllly disagree with that. A person can kill 10 people, hear about the "Secret" and then feels only happy things..but I promise you they are going to pay for killing those 10 people regardless.

 

And my mom was talking about people changing into good people and not receiving punishment for bad things they've done.

 

What?!

 

I don't believe that for a minute. God said vengence is his, and I believe he's JUST. If you kill 10 people (for example) you'll get what you deserve. And I believe in that sooooo strongly.

 

My mom was like, but God also said he's merciful. I'm like yes, and he his. And he'll show his mercy to you by being right there with you while you receive your punishment.

 

She thinks that if you "repent" the horrible things you've done in the past magically go away.

 

Are you kidding me?

 

God is going to get justice for those people (who were killed in my example) because that's the other part of his job.

 

Do you want to know why I don't go and blow that rapist bastard away? I'll tell you why, because I believe God will give him his just deserve. I know that with everything in me. Because when God said vengence is his I believed that was a promise.

 

Anywho, enough with that.

 

When my mom implied that my rapist would not pay for raping me if he repented, I nearly had a heart attack.

 

I know God will forgive him, and that God loves him, but God will punish the hell out of him too. And you can take that to the bank.

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[Gracelove]

Good morning guys!!!

 

Today is a typical spring Sunday where I live. It's bright and sunny outside, and extrememly windy. Our house is filled with light from outside and everything looks really pretty.

 

I feel kind of weird today. Very scared.

I can't fail this time. I really have to stick to this diet. The weight is really too much for me, and I've carried it for a while now, and I'm scared.

 

I'm afraid something will happen to me health wise. I'm really afraid of being this size for much longer.

And I haven't a clue of what has brought this on.

 

And I'm really afraid of not being able to eat. It's such a small thing but it's terrifying me. If something upsets me, I won't have anything around that will help right away. And I'll probably start crying. I don't want to cry. I'm afraid of crying.

 

And then things upset me. Like what they were saying on that CD last night. That people who have died in large masses were all thinking on a same negative "frequency" and they brought it all to themselves.

But then I think, What about 911, or the holocaust, or slavery, or people who died in the tsnaumi (sp?). I mean you can't really go around telling people that all of those people bought that horribleness on themselves.

How in the world am I suppose to accept something like that?

 

If people start thinking like that then everything will blame the victims. Everything bad that happens to a person will be justified because it's all their fault. Because they brought it to themselve via "thinking" Then what would be the point of helping anyone in trouble. What would be the point of volunteering, or doing anything other than helping or thinking about yourself?

 

I mean I can definitely see how many things they are saying makes since. My mom pointed out how everything I've ever really wanted I've always received.

She said it's because I would focus on it so much, and "attracted" it.

 

I can understand that.

 

I always thank God for those gifts. But then my mom is saying God is the universe. And God has laws. And I understand most of it, but I'm just trying to put things together.

 

And I really don't know if I can accept that everything bad that happens to someone is their fault.

 

This whole thing is stressing me out.

 

I'll totally take their advice on meditating on good things and eliminating bad thoughts. That is really helpful. but the rest..............the rest I'll try not to think about.

 

See what I mean? I feel so upset and sad, but I can't eat anything so what am I going to do?

 

And what ever happened to "Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people"?

 

I mean I've heard that so many times.

 

And that's another thing, I get so upset these days, and I'm starting to feel overwhelmed again.

 

Actually, on a good note. The lady called me back regarding therapy.

 

But then i'm afraid of that too. I'm feeling so afraid of everything today. I really sucks.

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[Gracelove]

okay, it's taking a while to post a reply, so I'll just do a quick reply.

 

 

oh my gosh guys, I feel soooo good!!! My mom said that I'm my own person and I have free will. She's not going to hassle me about the lemonade diet and is returning my credit cards!!

 

I don't know, but all of the sudden I have the biggest urge to do the lemonade diet, LOL!

 

I can't help it, I've been that way for a while now. I like to make things my own, and when someone else taking over, I don't want to do it anymore.

 

It was that way with the gym too. I was going regularly, early in the morning. But then my mom and dad joined and wanted us all to go together. It was okay for a while, but soon I stopped going.

 

I don't know I lovvvve freedom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel so good right now.

 

I really needed that ya know. I really needed for my mom to say that and I'm so glad she did!

I need it to be my own, not controlled by someone else.

 

Well, I'm off to style someone's hair.

 

Lots of love!

 

~Grace

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[Gracelove]

It has been such a beatiful day.

I left the house feeling really good about myself, not ashamed of how I looked or anything.

 

And on the way home I didn't stop at Starbucks! I'm really syked about that too.

 

It was fun doing my Aunt's hair. And I saw so many beautiful people today! I mean people I haven't seen in for ever. And they made me feel so good!

 

You forget that there are people out there who love you and care for you and treat you as if you're family.

 

My Spanish teacher came up with her grandson. I love her so much. And I've thought about her so many times over the years.

She is like the sweetest person!

 

I mean, she's so loving. Just perfect. She makes everything feel warm and cozy. She has the cutest, most comfortable home. It smells soooo good. And she cooks, and she always looks good. She's not a thin person, but she is just so beautiful! And she gives the best hugs ever!

 

And she has the most beautiful and loving spirit. I feel like crying right now.

We hugged forever!

 

I'm really happy to be back home. I'm really happy my boyfriend is coming out here, because there are so many lovely people out here. I totally forgot about them.

 

This is really where I need to be.

 

I feel crying. I received so much love today.

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[Gracelove]

This has been a very beautiful day.

I feel very happy and blessed.

 

I read about the shooting at Virginia and it's really very sad. I think by the time I have children they will be home-schooled for most of their lives.

 

It's so dangerous everywhere. Bad things happen all of the time.

 

I don't know I always felt that we were powerless to control those things. After listening to that secret CD I'm thinking of not thinking that way anymore. I thought what they said about people bringing things to themselves was harsh and insensitive, espicially in situations like this. But I don't know everything. If it's true then it's best I not think that way anymore.

 

Norma's back i'll finish writing later.

 

Okay, I'm back. I'm on the phone with one of my friends. She's so funny.

 

Anywho, this whole shooting thing is so sad. The parents, I really feel for them. They'll have a hard road. The gunman supposedly shot himself so...I don't know it'll just be hard. In situations like this you always look for someone to blame. It's human nature. And the gunman being dead will make things even harder to swallow.

 

I mean, if the guy who raped me committed suicide, how would I feel. It would be hard to feel justified in blaming a dead person.

 

I think one of the hardest things to deal with when being victimized......is knowing that the person who did it didn't care.

 

Another hard thing is feeling that no one can fix it. These people are dead.

 

My spanish teacher told me yesterday that nothing is too hard for God. That was really encouraging. I forgot about that. I mean if someone would have said that too me when I was angry in pain it would have hurt more. But hearing it yesterday was really helpful.

 

It hurts when someone has taken something away from you, you feel you can never get back.

 

I know Jesus loves me, and I love him. Sometimes things just get so hard. And you get angry. And you forget that he's there in it with you.

But one thing I know and really appreciate, is that Jesus is so understanding.

 

Everyone else is human and they expect you to get over things right away. But he's really patient.

 

Life is so hard to understand sometimes. I think some understanding comes with time. And other things, it's possible, we may never understand.

 

When people are hurting I think the only thing you can really do is love them.

 

Sometimes little quotes and sayings that are meant to be helpful, can cause more hurt.

 

When people are in those types of situations they aren't always looking for you to give them an explanation, even when they're screaming, "Why?!".

 

I don't know, I just really feel for those people right now. Espicially the parents. Nothing said to them during this period of time will stop their pain, or bring their children back.

 

Parents invest so much in their children. It's a life time of investing and sacrificing. How can anyone dry their tears at this time.

 

I'll just pray, like the rest of America and people throughout the world, that God will bring them some sort of comfort on their long road to healing.

 

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I was reading through statements that people were posting on the internet, and they all had a lot to say.

Some people said some really mean and hurtful things, unfortunately.

 

I know there were a few people stating that this happens overseas all the time so it's no big deal.

 

I totally disagree. I believe it's all a big deal. It's so sad when people lose their lives in violence. It's all very sad. I don't really know what else to say, this is a part of living. We are all here together, all we can do is love the people we can. And be sensitive to others who are in mourning.

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