:)

[Gracelove]

I'm so sad.

Friends keep telling me that my exercising is good, but that I need to eat.

I don't want to eat.

 

But I'm just feeling down about the whole thing in general.

I'm feeling depressed about being fat.

 

I don't feel strong enough to do this.

 

I've done the lemonade diet in the past (for 11 days) it worked wonders, but that was when I was in a different frame of mind.

I wasn't sad then.

 

I just want instant results. Instant.

I knew this would happen.

I mean, losing weight is another major change.

 

I don't even know if I've dealt with the issues behind me gaining the weight.

 

But I don't want to care about that.

 

I just miss my boyfriend.

I miss just being indoors all day.

 

I want to feel safe again.

I felt so safe before.

 

And I do feel dirty.

It sounds so stupid though. Why would anyone feel dirty.

But I do.

I feel worthless to a certain degree.

 

I'm appreciative of certain things, but otherwise I'm not thrilled with my life.

 

And I just keep thinking that I'm going to have to go back to that place.

I could just cry thinking about it.

I don't want to go.

 

To be around people judging me.

To be up on a stage in front of everybody, in my worst condition.

It's almost more than I can bare.

 

And I hate starving myself when I'm not strong enough to do it, but I have to do something.

 

I'm so afraid of slipping into a deep depression and I so feel like I'm heading that way.

 

I feel trapped.

Everyway I want to go is full of pain. There is no escaping it. I can't get around it, and it's driving me crazy.

 

And the thing is, I really didn't care about my weight over the last few months. I knew I needed to lose weight but I didn't feel pressured.

 

I experienced so many traumatic situations in college.

And after I moved to another city, I had anxiety attacks when going to school (to handle whatever business).

I mean, it was the worst feeling.

 

Why am I being subjected to this again? So soon? Why can't I just be left alone.

 

I'm tired of hurting. So tired.

I mean I do my best to ignore the pain, every day. And I think I do a great job for the most part.

 

But now......

 

I hate crying, I really do. I hate being like this. I'm not in a position to do any of the things I really want to do in life.

 

And I hate naming the rape as the cause, because I hate thinking about it, but it is the cause.

And it's a shame that one little thing can cause so much damage.

 

It shouldn't take this long to heal.

Nothing should take this long to recover from.

 

If I had major surgery a year ago I would be better.

But with this???

What's the recovery time?

 

I mean I hear about people recovering from this 6 years later, and honestly I don't think I can handle that.

 

I CAN'T continue to live this way. I just can't. There's got to be something.

Something other than...."It just takes time".

 

Well I don't have all of the time in the world!

 

I'd rather live a short happy life than a long miserable one.

 

I feel like no one can heal me from this pain.

 

I know God can, but I don't feel like I can be saved from this.

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?

 

I'm so angry, this isn't right.

From being thin, pretty, accepted, to this!

 

How is a person suppose to deal with this when they finally wake up and see their reflection in the mirror?

I've woken up and I can't bare to continue looking at what I see.

 

It's like there's no escape from the pain and all I can do for relief is focus on something, anything....stupid and silly things.

But I can't stop focusing for long because everything falls apart.

 

I'm falling apart!!!

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

It's better now.

 

I'm sitting up here watching Dr. Phil.

 

I love Amy Lee from Evanescence! She seems so sweet and like a great person. And I love her voice I listen to Evanescence all day everyday.

 

I used to be such an individual. When I was 14 & 15 I really liked who I was.

At least looking back on it I liked who I was.

At the time I'm sure I was as critical of myself as I am now, if now worse.

 

But I do remember feeling comfortable in my own skin. Knowing who I was and feeling like I could accomplish anything I desired.

 

Boy how life has changed.

 

Oh well, I felt sick this afternoon. I haven't a clue what that was about.

It may have something to do with exercising. Getting up so early in the morning and going to bed later than I should at night.

 

Anywho.

 

I don't know. I felt so guilty for being in an abusive relationship.

I think that sometimes I try to make my cousin feel the same way.

 

I do. I used to alway imagine us having great lives, girl fun, having our significant others and being happy.

 

Now, I'm kind of upset with her. Because I got out of my abusive relationship and she's still in hers.

 

I know my ex was going to kill me, and if her husband really harmed her it would devastate me.

 

I just wish I could give her the strength to leave him. Now it's too late, she's having his baby, and he has gotten a huge tattoo of her name accross his chest and told her that she's not leaving him.

 

It's upsetting.

 

And then I get upset with her for not facing the truth and admitting time and again that he's a horrible person.....but what am I thinking? I've been there. The last thing you want to do is face the fact that you're in a dangerous situation. It's much better to ignore the elephant in the middle of the room.

 

I just feel bad that I can't save her.

 

I mean if it wasn't for my family pressuring me, I may have never gotten free, or survived.

 

I mean how can I blame her, I still don't want to acknowledge how bad the situation was.

 

How do you save someone who's losing their life and their happiness to a dangerous person?

 

It's hard to let go. I love her so much. She deserves better. And she's so pretty inside and out, I've always wanted to see her with a hunk.

 

I'm finally blessed with everything I've ever wanted in the relationship department (did I mention I prayed for my boyfriend for 7 years, and he's an exact match).

 

I want the same for her. I want that for all of my friends. I want them to be so happy and complete.

But I guess we're all striving for that.

 

It just hurts. Sometimes I like living on the happiness of others. It's so beautiful to see happy people, espicially when they're ones you love.

 

Anywho..........

 

What else is there to talk about? Hmmmm......I know.

How I worry too much.

If I'm not worrying about myself I'm worrying about someone else, what's up with that?

 

Okay, I have a hard to coping with the fact that the world is a crazy and sometimes horrible place.

 

My parents did an amazing job of keeping me sheltered. I was home-schooled and then went to an all-girls Catholic high school.

 

I think they did a great job! It's nice to be sheltered from the world for as long as I was, although they did their best to expose me to different things.

 

Yes it's true that maybe I wouldn't have had certain horrible experiences if I'd been more people savoy. But that's okay, at least I can say I had a great childhood.

 

And I've always been able to get along well with people, so they did a good job of exposing me I think.

 

I have to go to work tomorrow, boooooooo. I'm grateful to have a job, but most of the time my mind is elsewhere.

 

I do the work I have to do for the today, sometimes it keeps my mind occupied, other times I'm on auto pilot.

 

I miss my boyfriend soooooooooooo much!!!

 

This is a bad thing to wish, but I almost wish I was sick tomorrow so that I couldn't go to work.

 

I want to lay on the couch, and think. LOL!!!!!

Think, think, think, that's all I do all day.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm trying to discover the secrets of life.

Either way, it's something I can't seem to help.

 

I was very fortunate to have time off from work a school a few months ago.

I was a complete, exhausted wreck so I couldn't appreciate it then, but I can now.

 

I remember I used to sit around the house all day and never know the meaning of rest. My mind was a wreck. It was full of crazy things and never seemed to stop running.

Those were bad days.

My memory was completely shot and I couldn't sleep.

Gosh, thank goodness that's over.

 

Anywho, I'm so sleepy. Off to bed I go.

Nighty-night!!!

 

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[Gracelove]

I don't really talk about politics. I've pretty much always known how it works.

I see the things that go on..corrupt, unfair.

 

But for the first time today I actually felt betrayed by my government, which is strange because I never really thought I trusted it.

 

They say in about 70yrs or so (+ or -) this government will only have money to pay interest on it's debts. They say there won't be money for national defense, health care, anything..........

 

It looks like, one day, I'll have to find a new place to call home.

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[Gracelove]

My dad is so sweet!!!

 

He got me an Ipod nano today!!! I didn't even ask for one, he's really thoughtful.

 

Depression hit really hard today. I'm not sure why. I should be happy, I'm losing weight.

 

I felt work early because I was feeling sick.

 

I'm really concerned because last year when I felt really stressed I become physically sick for a while and it was really unpleasant.

 

I feel like crying.

 

I don't know what's going on. Exercise is suppose to help depression. I exercise an hour (straight) a day now.

 

And although it's true that I feel good afterwards, I don't know what's going on later in the day.

 

I'm going to keep exercising because I really need to lose weight.

 

I bought some over-the-counter sleep medicine and I'm going to sleep now.

 

Good night.

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[Gracelove]

Hey There!!!

 

Things are going okay. Exercising is really great.

Still feeling depressed though.

Getting thoughts of the bad things that have happened.

I won't stop exercising though.

I'm losing weight, slimming down.

 

It's a good thing, although I think overall it makes me feel more vunerable.

Whatever issues I have, I just have to deal with. I won't destroy my life and my body because of this thing. I won't.

 

I have these fantasies of what it would be like if this went to court. How I would feel. What I would say, what he would say....

And it's scary. I think of how his attourney(sp?) would pick me apart and leave me more damaged than I already am.

I don't want that to happen.

He said-she said is such a scary thing.

I'm sure people would be more than happy to blame the victim.

 

I just don't know. It's hard. The girl who set me up A.W., she totally made me feel like no one would believe me and that I was over- reacting. Although, at the time I didn't know her role in it.

 

And then there was my cousin I was living with for a while. She wasn't very supportive of me reporting the rape.

She thought I just should have let it go and forgiven them. She wouldn't go with me to the station.

 

That really hurt. I feel like the bad person for speaking out, reaching out.

I haven't always received the response I've hoped for when telling people.

Espicially from some of the people that I love most.

 

I guess that's another thing I really appreciate about my boyfriend. He's been so supportive and understanding. Never has he once even implied that the rape was my fault. That makes me feel really good, safe, understood.

 

This whole thing is just so hopeless.

 

I don't want to be tied to these people forever because of what they've done to me.

I don't want to have the horrible thoughts, the flashbacks. I don't want to feel degraded, trashed.

I don't want any of it.

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[Gracelove]

Wow!!! I didn't expect the site to be up again so soon.

 

I'm laying in bed, of course. I've taken sleep medicine and will probably be asleep within the next hour.

 

It was so hard to stay at work today I was so depressed. But I did it!!! I'm so proud of myself. Now there's just tomorrow.

 

I'm getting that "stressed" feeling which is a really bad sign. Usually the feeling becomes stronger and I become worse.

 

But what can you say?

 

I thought of calling the old therapist I was so desperate today. But.....I didn't.

 

I must admit I'm worried about seeing my ex. Even after going to court I still saw him around the places I went to on campus (even though he graduated like 2 years prior). It was really uncomfortable.

 

I moved to another city, so I didn't see him anymore (thank goodness!!!), because he had no idea where I was.

 

I am afraid that he'll be at graduation and will follow my boyfriend and I to where my boyfriend lives, I have worries like that.

 

It's not easy.

 

I don't want to deal with the pressure ya know.

Why do I have to do this? Why can't I just say no. I know why, because I feel I owe people. But it's all at my expense.

 

Why can't my family just accept me. I know if I don't go I'll hear about it from my mother forever, and then I'll have to deal with her anger....directed towards me, and I don't want that.

 

Then there's my dean, who helped me out so much. I told him I would walk after my parents gave me the look and said they wanted me to walk and now I don't even know if I can back out.

 

And then my mom's best friend believes that any bad thing that comes to you comes because you thought about it too much.

 

And I have all these over-bearing people dumping their opinions and problems on me.

 

Goodness gracious I'm only one human being. How much is a person suppose to take.

 

I'm angry, I feel it within. I want some help. I don't want to be by myself screaming to be heard and realize no one's listening.

 

I'm angry with myself, I'm angry with my mom.

 

Why does she force me to do everyyyyything!!!

 

And then she was the one who suggested I hang out with my friends more, that's the main reason I started hanging out more with that girl A.W. to begin with.

 

I'm pissed.

 

And then there's Bianca, don't even get me started on her. Why am I her friend again? Aquaintance? Anything?

 

I mean she's a B$@%*!!! Am I crazy? Just because I know what she's like, does that make a difference? No!

 

She's a.............I don't know why I even talk to her. She's not a sibling I don't owe her anything.

And just because I've known her for a long time..that doesn't mean anything.

 

She is what she is.

 

Why do I feel guilty about cutting her off completely?

She lies, is thrilllllled when my life is going horribly.....you know what, I won't even get started on all of that because I'll have an extremely long list.

 

I mean, is it that I didn't want to feel like a bad person? Like I was abandoning her???

 

Everytime I stop talking to her she calls and calls, she won't go away. But that doesn't mean I have to respond.

 

I just need to learn to LET GO!

 

Goodness grief! God didn't put me on this earth to put up with abuse or fix everyones' twisted life.

 

I hate my life!!!!!

 

Okay, maybe not completely there are good things but I just...... I'm beyond frustrated.

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[BellaDonna]

Hi GraceLove. I am glad that you are keeping a journal. I will be visiting from time to time.

 

I thought of calling the old therapist I was so desperate today. But.....I didn't.

 

If things are getting tough, maybe finding a new therapist till help. I hope you feel better soon,

 

BellaDonna

[Gracelove]

Thanks Bella Donna!!!

 

I sent an e-mail to this site that's suppose to have therapists available for women who need help, but no response yet. I know I need to try harder but I've been in such a funk.

 

Things are rough again today. I didn't go to work, I really just couldn't. I drove up there (45-60min. away) but turned right around.

 

I had that "stressed" feeling. I'm trying to keep it under control because last time I felt this bad I became physically ill.

 

And I cried today, which sucks. I talked to my boyfriend. I want to call again but I don't want to make things worse.

He's having a bit of a hard time with working and going to school full-time. He's just tired.

 

And I don't want to call him and cry and make him feel worse because he isn't here to hold me.

 

I've had some really bad feelings of hopelessness today. Which feels absolutely awful. When I feel that way I think of suicide. And with those endless feeling of hopelessness....I can't see anything good in my future.

It sucks. I'm beyond sad, and the really sad thing is that I didn't see this coming.

 

You know I mentioned that maybe I wouldn't feel comfortable losing weight, that maybe I hadn't resolved the issues that caused me to get big. But I was just putting a thought out there, I didn't think it would really happen.

 

I mean I've been doing a great job of exercising and eating healthy lately (P.S. The lemonade diet was just too much for me to handle right now), and....I'm seeing major changes in my body, it's amazing.

 

But then the second day I was working out for an hour....I started having thoughts about the rape, way more than usual, enough to really get my attention.

I.......didn't want this to happen. I mean I won't stop exercising. I like what I see. I didn't know that exercising hard for that amount of time could change a body to quickly. I like my new look and I won't stop exercising.

It's just that....since I've been exercising like that I've been soooo depressed. I mean it's ridiculous. It's like it came out of nowhere.

 

Exercise is suppose to help depression, not make it worse.

 

I hate it.

 

It's ruining my life.

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[Gracelove]

Hey There!!!

 

One of my closest friends came to visit me. It was really nice.

 

She is a psycology (sp?) major. Well, graduate. Aside from that she has been molested as a child so she really understands the whole violation thing.

 

It's nice, ya know. To talk face to face with someone who really understands because they've been there.

 

She asked me if I've thought about being a counselor, which was a really complimenting to me.

I told her maybe, wayyyyyyyyy down the line.

 

She agreed, LOL!

 

Because we both know I'm in no shape to be counseling anyone else, LOL! On this matter anyways, I'm still trying to work through it myself.

 

But that was so nice of her to come over, it really helped to uplift my spirits.

 

She had been asking to see me for the longest, but I was a mess ya know. I don't like people seeing me sad or anything like that, I don't want to be unpleasant in any form or fashion.

 

Anywho, I still feel bad about that girl A.W. Maybe I just really need to face the fact that I really loved her as a friend, and that I have to work through that as well as the betrayl.

 

Sometimes I just get so upset with myself. I was still friendly to her afterwards (before I cut her off that is). And the people I spoke with on the rape hotline listened to my story, and told me she was an accomplice. But that was too much for me to bare at that time. I just couldn't accept that in my mind. I was already on overload.

But I still know if I see her again...I'm going to want to choke the living mess out of her.

She deserves it.

But unfortunately chances are I won't do it.....darn it!!

 

Anywho, I had a best friend, a guy. We were really close, he was in love with me.

 

He constantly cuts me off when I bring up guys in conversation, of course now my boyfriend. Don't get me wrong he was tolerant for while. But me, I just go on and on about whatever is on my mind or going on in my life. Until my mom mentioned it I didn't really think talking about my boyfriend hurt him.

 

He cut me off months ago but initiated contact recently.

 

I don't exactly know how I feel about that. Part of me feels like, "what's the point".

I don't think I could even invite him to my wedding. I think he'd be insulted.

I don't know.

I used to talk to him about everything.

 

Maybe it's good he stopped talking to me, I learned to rely on my boyfriend much more.

 

I think it's best to "let sleeping dogs lie" in this case.

 

It's sad too, because he was my best friend.

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[Gracelove]

Hey There!!!

 

Still depressed, unfortunately.

I don't want to do anything and I don't think I'll fair to well at work.

I'm not concerned about being able to do my work, because that parts easy.

 

I'm just really concerned about how I'm going to make it through each and everyday.

 

I was stressing over getting my hair done and everything.

The lady who does my hair does a really good job, but she doesn't have appointment time for me right now. I had been wearing my hair natural/curly for a while.

 

So I was realllllly depressed on Friday when I did't go to work. So I decided to do something to cheer myself up. So I was going to get my hair and nails done.

My hair-dresser didn't have a free space, so she suggested someone else. Someone who did a worse job and charged twice as much.

Needless to say, when I left I was more depressed than before.

 

I think I'm getting used to being depressed though. It's far from comfortable, but I've been really depressed for at least 4 days now, so I'm not as bummed out about it.

I can accept that this is just how it is for me right now. And I just have to deal with it.

 

I should probably go to work today. I don't want to have to explain my Friday absense. I just want to say, "I wasn't feeling well, but I came in yesterday to make it up".

But in all honesty I don't want to go to work today.

 

Oh my gosh!!! I'm sitting up here watching the "best week ever", and they said that the Spartans lost in the movie 300!!!

 

If I'd known that maybe I would have hung around to see the end (well, who am I kidding, I couldn't watch one minute more of that movie).

 

My dad and I went to see the movie yesterday.

My boss told me that if I liked gladiator I'd probably like this movie......wrong!

 

Gladiator was an excellent move with a great story line, great acting, and action.

 

300 is one of the stupidest movies I've ever seen! The acting was soooooooo horrible.

And all they do is place emphasis on the word "SPAR-TA". And then all of this rock music starts playing, and opera comes out of nowhere, and they are doing nothing spectacular.

 

That it happens all the time....if they tap the stick of a spear on the ground, or if they're walking and growling, or if they say, "SPAR-TA!".

 

I mean, it was sooooooo horrible.

I was like, give me a break.

 

And the "persian army" (persia is now called Iran), was made up of all ethnicities.

They had African, Indians, and Asians, and they threw them all together and called them the Persian army.

 

And there was nothing but fighting and really bad one-liners.

 

Then they decided to through every animal they could think of in the mix. "They brought their biggest beasts, from have way around the world!".

How long was this battle??? You stayed in one placed until they could ship elephants half way accross the world to use in battle against you???

 

Still no acting. Instead of acting you got weird facial expressions, cut bodies, and a lot of unnecessary yelling.

 

Then a guy is eating an apple, and I'm like, where did he get that from? I haven't seen an orchard around anywhere, I certainly didn't see them travel with food or drink any water while they were breaking from the fighting scenes.

 

The bad guy had his eyebrows arched, heavy eyeshadow, eyeliner, and long-painted fingernails, and his voice............was it a man's voice or a woman's?.

 

And then they had monsters.

 

It was just so ridiculous because it was like no matter how many people they were fighting they were untouchable. That's why I'm so disappointed that I missed them being taken out in the end.

Anyways, that movie was horrible. I should have followed my first mind and stayed away.

 

It's just that everyone was saying it was so good.

But I haven't a clue what was so good about it....maybe it was the ending.

 

I'm tempted to see the movie "Grudge 2". I don't know I guess I'm hoping that a scary movie will jolt me out of depression, not completely, but a little bit.

 

But I'm a scardy cat. I watched part of the grudge on television. And it wasn't scary. The way they made the lady look, it's like her face looked like a mask. And then in one scene hair pops out of morgue table, and it looked like they just opened a bag of hair extensions and dropped it from the sheet.

It was funny actually.

 

But, you know how things can get when you reallllly get into them. Like, if you watch them from beginning to end.

 

I mean, I didn't think what I saw of the grudge was scary, but my boyfriend and best friend thought it was scary. And then watch scary movies all of the time. So then that made me feel like maybe the movie should be scary, if it scared them..........so I've been thinking about it. And my friend told me it was a true story, LOL!!!!

What's true about it? That jealous evil husbands kill their own families? Okay, yes that it true, and since there are these types of men all over the world I'm sure it has happened to a Japanese woman before.

 

I saw the original (Japanese) version of the grudge, and that wasn't scary.

 

I am concerned thought that this movie (Grudge 2) will scare the living daylights out of me.

 

I really don't think I should see it but I'm soooooo curious!

 

Oh well, maybe I won't.

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[Gracelove]

Me again.

I just felt like talking.

 

I'm trying to decide whether or not I should go down the hill and get a starbucks donut.

 

i think it would be nice. To get one, and a coffee and lay down and watch "Philidelphia (sp?) again.

 

I'm not really concerned about what I eat as much because the exercise is really keeping me in shape. I'm starting to look good. Although I still have a ways to go.

 

Anywho, who really cares about all of that.

 

I think I'm okay with the whole boyfriend thing. Long-distance isn't that bad.

 

I actually thought about quitting work. Not seriously though.

 

My boss really needs me. It would be sad to quit so soon.

 

Maybe I'll eat some thai food today.

 

But why should I bother. I'm not really hungry and since that short period of time when I wasn't eating food, I haven't felt that big on over eating.

 

I know!!! I want some red bulls!!! I haven't had those in so long. And they really make your hair grow.

 

Although I don't know why I care about that, I always end up cutting my hair anyways.

 

There's something so nice about cutting hair, it's theraputic.

 

And my wedding ring. Ya, I'm still syked about wearing it but I kind of feel like, "whatever" on that at well.

 

I guess that's one good thing about this type of depression. Things you really used to sweat about aren't as important as before.

 

And time seems to move kind of slowly. Things are more mellow.

Sometimes you feel pain, hopelessness and stress, but then other times you feel mellow and it's really nice.

 

Like now, I feel mellow, kind of comfortable, but I'm about to cry at the same time. It's really weird.

 

Maybe I should just curl up and lay down.

 

I really need to take a shower though. I haven't taken one in the last couple of days.

 

I wonder if there are any good movies out. I don't know, I guess it doesn't matter.

 

Well I'm definitely not going to watch the "Grudge 2", I'm not always a glutton for punishment.

 

Sometimes I wish I could just lay down as the world passes me by.

 

I really wish I could do that right about now.

 

I'm tired of spending money too. I called INGdirect.

The only bad thing is that they said I already have an account with them. So now I have to wait to get a pin in the mail, doesn't that suck! And I was so excited about getting it done on Friday.

I mean, why can't you just give me my pin over the phone so that I can set everything up today?

 

I think I want to take a shower.

 

I slept downstairs in my parents room last nigh.

My dad asked me what was going on, why I was so scared, but I don't know.

REally, right now, I don't care to know.

 

I mean, a few days ago I needed sleep medicine to go to sleep. Now I feel like falling asleep at any point in the day.

 

Gosh, I hate crying!

 

And I'm getting allergies again. It's like they come every other year, weird huh?

 

And sometimes I can take one pill and after that it's like I'm cured. Who knows what that's about.

 

I don't know what to say about life, it's way more than a journey, it's a rollercoaster.

 

I wonder if Thai food would cheer me up?

I don't really feel like alcohol.

 

I remember when my boyfriend came up for Christmas. We had thai food one day. It was his first time having any.

 

We had spicy rice, Chicken satay, spring rolls, and this spicy soup I always get but can never remember the name of.

 

It was good. And we relaxed and drank (alcohol beverages), and ate and looked out over the city, and rested.

 

It was so nice. I was happy then. Actually that was when I stopped taking all that medication.

I didn't need it when he was around.

It was nice.

 

I don't know, food doesn't really mean that much anymore.

I mean, I just want to be happy.

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[Gracelove]

Well, I saw the Grudge 2 and it wasn't scary afterall.

 

I'm so happy it wasn't scary. It was interesting though. Enough to distract me.

 

Now I'm watching "My super ex-girlfriend" it's such a funny movie! I haven't seen it in a little while.

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[Gracelove]

What a beautiful day!!!!!

 

It's gorgeous outside! Perfect weather. I feel happy today which is great!!!

 

I was watching this show, "Planet Earth" last night, and is was amazing!!!!!

 

I'm a huge animal lover so it was really a spectacular thing to see.

 

I was soooooooo tired this morning. I really didn't want to get out of bed, LOL! My eyes were closed for the whole hour I was on that eliptical machine.

 

When I got home I had a bit of a headache so I laid down for a little while until I felt a bit better.

 

My mommie is coming home today!!!!!! I'm so happy. I can't wait to see her.

And then of course my dad is going out of town. He travels a lot, so that's nothing new.

 

I'm excited about so many things, espicially (sp?) having my own apartment!!!!

I am going to have the softest bed in the whole entire universe, I'm not going to want to get out of it in the mornings.

 

Life is really great, and God is so good to me. I really appreciate all the times happy times I'm able to have, out of the funk that is.

It's not fun being down.

 

Things are really looking up. I'm going to go visit one of my friends this weekend. Her name is Courtney and she's the one that came to visit me the other day. I figure I'm ready to socialize, even if a little bit.

My friends are really important to me. They keep me grounded and happy.

Most of my friends are scattered about the country, but the ones that are here I need to see more often.

 

I'm sitting in for the receptionist right now, unexpected, but nice.

 

I feel soooo good right now. It would be perfect if this feeling never ended, but unfortunately, that isn't the way life is.

 

I mean I feel so optimistic, like the old me.

 

Well, I guess I'll say goodbye now, Norma could be back in any second.

 

I hope you guys are having a BEAUTIFUL DAY!

 

Chao!

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[Gracelove]

Gosh! Why are so many of my close friends having babies?!

 

It soooooooooo sucks!

 

I mean, it's like once you become a mother you morphe (sp?) into another person.

 

It's fine, but when we're older.

 

We are in our 20's we're supposed to be having fun, hanging out, girls-night, something!

 

I remember when my friends and I could sit at home and watch movies, have a few drinks and talk. Or watch Sex in the City (I caught on to it a little late, when it was in it's last year, anywho...), without a care in the world (except pressing exams).

 

Now, it's like, no more. It's baby this and baby that. I mean, I don't know.

I guess because I've had so much experience with children and know what a handful they were, I'm dead positive I won't be having any, ANY time soon. As where my friends..........well who knows what they were thinking.

 

My dad was telling me that I have no idea of the many new friends I'll make.

I know, but.................................

I don't know, this may sound kind of wrong but everytime one of my friends tells me she's pregnant I feel like the person I once knew will be dead at the end of nine months.

I mean pregnancy is a death of one life and birth of another.

 

We're just getting out of college ya know. We should be getting our first job, probably going to graduate school to get a better job, and then being able to enjoy being free.

Being able to travel, have our own place, everything.

 

I know what I'm saying may not seem rational, espically since I'm still close with the friends who've had children. But it's just the way I feel.

 

I have a problem with taking the sorrows of others and making them my own. All of my friends have children, but they're really down about it.

All of them got pregnant "accidentally", and are struggling because of it.

It really sucks.

I mean, I kind of live through the happiness of my friends at times.

If I'm feeling a little down and they're happy it makes me sooo happy.

 

This sucks.

 

This happens every now and then. I think ever 5 to 6 months, I lament about my friends having children, LOL.

 

I just feel that they weren't ready. They're having such a hard time with things. I like to see my friends thrive.

 

I believe that children are an absolute joy when conceived at certain times. Like then their parents are financially stable.

 

I mean children don't ask to be born, life is hard enough, you should at least be prepared to have them, for their sake if not yours.

 

But such is life, it's not perfect.

 

I'm just waiting to see how a new baby is going to affect the relationship my cousin has with her abusive husband.

Maybe she'll see the light and kiss his a** goodbye.

 

I need to learn to LET GO. She chose her situation and that is that. It's so hard though. It hurts to know that she's being treated the way that she is.

I told her not to get pregnant by him.

This situation is going to go downhill so fast.

 

She deserves to be happy. We should be one big happy family.

Even her parents hate her husband, this is like a huge dent in our family unit.

 

He doesn't have to be perfect, he just has to be good to her and treat her with respect.

 

I feel so bad sitting on the sidelines, but I've tried to convince to her leave. It didn't work.

 

Anywho, it's time for me to go home.

 

Chao!

 

 

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[Gracelove]

You know what?

 

I've decided that I'm going to enjoy sex.

I mean my boyfriend is incredibly sexy. I used to have soooo much fun having sex with him and it was pretty amazing.

 

So what's the problem now, ya know.

 

I mean this whole stupid rape thing is really getting in the way of me enjoying something special.

 

I mean if it's all in my head I can control it right?

 

Well, the next time we see each other I'll see if that's true.

 

What might have brought this on you might ask...

 

~Sean Paul "Head to Toe"~

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[Gracelove]

SHOCKED

 

I was in my boss's office when he was going through his voicemails.

He listened to this message and it sounded just like the girl I don't like (A.W.-the one who set me up for rape).

 

And the worst part.....it was me!!!!! Ahhh!!! I can't believe it. I never would have known that it was me if I hadn't identified myself when leaving the message. It was sooooo horrible. It still kind of irks me.

 

I know that when I'm around people for any length of time, I pick up their habits.

So in a sense it's like I'm a mixture of a lot of different people.

 

But usually if I notice that I've picked up a habit from someone I can consciously (sp?) stop it. But some habits that I've picked up from her are so hard to stop.

 

I mean, I've heard my voice before, but today for some reason it sounded just like her.

That really bothers me.

 

I like to think that I'm a person who knows herself very well.

 

I mean, I'm a type of person who likes to have an explanation for everything, and if one isn't offered, I spend forever trying to figure things out.

 

I wonder what the explaination is for sounding like her, and how to make it stop.

 

Anywho, I'm still at work, and I'll be here for a while. I got here late today.

I was sooooo exhausted. I only did 20min. on the eliptical machine and slept in the car until my dad finished working out.

 

Then when we got home I got in bed and wouldn't get out. That rarely happens to me.

Of course there are times when I don't want to get out of bed, and try to reason staying in bed longer.

But rarely to I down right refuse to get out of bed. I wonder why I was so tired.....

 

I'm going on the lemonade diet again tomorrow, LOL, yes again.

 

My mom offered me a HUGE incentive for going and staying on it. I'm pretty sure this time it'll be a breeze.

 

You know how I'm trying to save for all of this up-coming stuff?

Well, I had a dream last night that time passed and I hadn't saved much.

I think it's a warning.

I haven't yet received the pin number ING sent me, so I'll have to call them again.

I have big plans and I have to be prepared.

 

I know in one of her interviews Amy Lee was talking about how crazy high school is.......how everyone's so mean.

Well, that's my college experience, LOL.

 

Okay, well really I can't honestly say that. Everyone at my school was really kind to me (with the exception of a few people).

 

It's amazing how all of this great stuff can happen in your life but it's the bad that really sticks out.

It's actually kind of sad.

 

But that doesn't really change the fact that I am seriously not wanting to go to graduation, I mean shoot me now.

 

What's the big deal, why should I be sooooo nervous about going.

 

I think it's because in so many ways I feel I was defeated there.

I know you're probably thinking how could I have been defeated when I'm graduating?

 

Well, unfortunately I don't feel that way. I feel like a failure actually. A failure for the abusive/stalker/crazy ex. A failure for the rape. A failure for being around bad people who betrayed me. I guess an overall failure for not being perfect. And not graduating on time. And not knowing everything.

 

 

 

But I had no idea that I sounded just like her. It's really bad.

 

But I'm going to try to approach the whole thing as "no big deal", which is hard (grad.).

 

I don't know, I guess I just hate people looking at me. I think I always have. My mom say it's my "light" and that I'm attractive (why people look at me). I mean, no-body really wants to believe their mom right. I have always been complimented on my looks, but it never really matters what anyone else says. It's all about what you see in the mirror.

 

It doesn't matter what the reason, I feel really uncomfortable being watched...whether I thin or fat, it doesn't seem to matter. I don't think it really has anything to do with self-esteem, I just don't like it.

 

And at graduation, everyyyyyyyone will be watching you.

 

I always feel under so much pressure you know.

 

I mean so many people are happy to see you fail. And more than happy to rub unfortunate things in your face. And that's what I expect a lot of at graduation.

 

I already know there are those people who are going to be soooooo happy that I'm graduating behind schedule.

 

There are so many people at my school like that. You know the ones that are so thrilled when they find out your life isn't 100% hunky-dory.

 

I never get that. It's not like I go around professing perfection. But they are completely comfortable coming up to me and expressing their joy in finding out that I'm not.

 

Guess I can't wait until graduation actually. I'll never have to see that place again.

And I can go on in my life choosing to be around mature, kind, and fun people.

Unfortunately their weren't many people like that at my school.

 

Gosh I hate that place.

 

Sorry, I always get stuck on things like that. I know!!!!

I'll have a few sips of wine before the ceremony, LOL! Then everything will be absolutely GLORIOUS!!!

 

I have girlfriends of course.

But it amazes me how many jealous, back-stabbing, prissy girls there are.

 

My mom says I'm not used to it because I wasn't raised around girls (Thank God in Heaven for that).

 

My first time really being around girls my age on a regular basis was highschool (all-girls). It was weird for me, sometimes I didn't know what to do.

I mean to go from being around boys during most of your formative years to a school full of girls......whew!!!

 

I felt sooooooo out of place. I had to watch them a lot so that I could begin to act more like them, like a teenage girl, LOL!

 

Of course I more than got the hang of it. But my high school experience was pleasant. We were too busy drowning in work for there to be any real drama, there was absolutely no time for it.

 

Fast-forward to college and being around boys after puberty, whew!!! Awkard. So I guess high school and college were awkard for a period of time.

 

Anywho. I think that abusive relationship really just broke me down.

Normally I wouldn't care who around didn't like me or anything like that ya know.

I was pretty bold for the most part.

 

But something in you breaks, ya know. And the worst thing is that you allowed it.

 

I mean it's different with rape. I still blame myself for not being a mind-reader and for not being able to analyze the situation..... say hey, the girl I came with is a B**** and the guy accross from me is a rapist (I really wish I had that gift)......but with abuse, I have to blame myself.

There is no one else to blame really.

 

I allowed it. When it came to the stalking it was my fault too because if I never dated the crazy b****** then I'm sure he wouldn't have stalked me.

 

Anywho I'm not as bold after abuse and rape ya know, I have to be too catious to have the luxury of being bold.

 

I realized there are people out there who are much smarter than I'll ever be when it comes to manipulation and trickery. I'm not smart enough to out-think them all.

 

I'm so grateful to be alive right now. However there is still a part of my life that I'm throughly unhappy with.

 

People always say that we can't change the past. But I feel that if I don't figure out why something happened in the past....it'll happen to me again in the future.

It's like things are stuck on a loop/repeat.

 

How do you let the mind forget?

 

I want to forget, but I'm afraid I'll forget what I need to know to survive.

Some things are so bad you feel like you can barely survive once experiencing them.

 

I've heard the whole, "it just happened a year ago thing". But a year is a hella long time.

Too long to live and feel the way I've been feeling.

 

I mean there are a handful of times I've thoroughly enjoyed myself since all of this happened.

In the course of a year I shouldn't be able to count the number of times I've been truly happy on my hand. I shouldn't be able to keep track.

 

](*,)

 

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[Gracelove]

If you haven't seen the movie babel yet you may not want to read what I'll write......

 

Okay I'm sitting up here watching Babel with my mom.

 

This lady gets shot in the neck and mom my says that it's because of all the negativity she had. What?!!!!

Stuff like that realllly pisses me off.

 

The lady is "negative" because one of her children died, are you serious?!!!

 

I said, "if your child died you wouldn't be happy-go-lucky either.".

 

She was like, "I had a child that died remember?". And I was like, "ya and the child was only a couple of days old. Imagine how you would feel if you got to know the child and had to raise the child. Imagine how much harder that would be."

 

Goodness grief! I am so sick of stuff like that. Every bad thing is deserve.

If you're not perfect 100% of the time, bad things will happen to you.

 

I mean God forbid you have to feel or hurt or grieve.

 

It's so sickening and hurtful.

 

Sometimes I swear she equates insensitivity with "strength".

 

I mean where's the compassion? Where's being in someone else's shoes???

I obviously get my senstivity and compassion from my father.

 

Okay, I just realllly needed to vent that. No wonder I'm so critical of myself.

It's from years of being a critized-whatever-puppet. LOL! I can't think of the word I want to use in the middle yet.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

~Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

Man I'm so tired more tired than I should be

 

I went to the gym with my mom this morning unfortunately.

 

My dad is out of town right now.

 

She is so pushy and controlling. And when I bring this to her attention she is totally unapologetic for it.

She says, "And so! You're resistant"...............What?!

 

That's the silliest thing ever. I'm resistant because I don't do whatever you want whenever you want it? Yes I'm resistant to her when she's controlling. I proudly admit it. Who wouldn't be.

 

I'm just too exhausted to explain the rest.

I think I'll lay down a little before work.

 

I only worked out for half an hour today my mom has to leave for work a certain time.

 

I wish my dad were here. I prefer going to the gym the him. It's actually a pleasant experience.

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[Gracelove]

I only have a little time for break so I have to type really fast.

 

I'm having one of those days. The kind where I think about the rape (omitting the gorey details of course), and how things would go if my case went to trial.

 

Sometimes I think of those things. And it's like I can't stop.

It's really not that great.

 

Aside from that I think things are going okay.

 

I had one of those dreams where you think you're away but you're really not.

And then at one point in my dream I realized that I was stuck in a dream and wasn't really away.

Then (in my dream) I was trying to figure out a way to wake myself up (for real). LOL!

 

I had fallen asleep after returning from the gym and couldn't wake up when I wanted.

 

Anywho, I'm concerned about my boyfriend. Working full-time and going to school full-time is really taking its toll on him.

 

I don't know, I really don't want to go back to Alabama.

But I will if he needs me.

The only thing is he wants me to stay where I am also because he doesn't want to live in Alabama any longer either.

 

I really just think he should enroll in courses out here at a community college and have the credits transferred to his university.

 

That way we could be together and he wouldn't have to stress so much. I could work and he just go to school. I'd really like that.

 

We could get a small one bedroom apartment and just live off of my salary. At least we'd be together.

 

And once I get my actual degree in hand I'll be able to make more money.

 

I just have sooooo much money to save you know. I think I'll attempt to get a second job after graduation. It shouldn't be that stressful once the stress of attending graduation is off of my shoulders.

 

It'll be weird though because I'll be the one busy all the time and my boyfriend will have a little more time off (the classes he needs aren't offered this summer).

 

I just don't know why he won't attend another school and have his credits transferred back to his school. He's so stubborn on that. I think maybe he doesn't believe it'll work. I don't see why not, all you have to do is consult your university first and get your teacher to sign off on it.

 

Oh well, it's not that serious I get. I'll just look at it another way...it give me more time to save money.

 

Well I've got to go now!!!

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Sorry if there are any mispellings I don't have anytime to double check.

 

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[Gracelove]

Hey There!!!

 

I'm on the lemonade diet and it's my second day. Of course I can already see results.

 

I tell you though sometimes this whole bathroom thing kills me. I mean you never know when you're gonna have to go. And when it comes you really need to go to the bathroom right then.

 

I feel kind of glad to be on it. I want to look really good the next time I see my boyfriend. I know he loves me regardless and he has shown that over and over again.....but still I want to look good when I'm on his arm ya know.

 

I'm feeling much more comfortable about graduation. I'm actually starting to view it more as a celebration.

 

Thinking about eating Italian food and having drinks afterwards doesn't hurt either.

 

There's this quote from one of "Alien Ant Farm"'s CDs. I love it, it say " ...and all your wild winds, they couldn't stop me from flying. " Of course I've heard this many times because I've had the CD for a few years. But today it really hit home.

 

I think I can be happy about all of this. I hope to go back thinner, happier, and comfortable with who I am, knowing that no one else really matters.

No-one there is going to be able to ruin a thing for me.

 

But you know me, I still like the idea of having a glass of wine before the ceremony.

 

Anywho, I'm off to work again!!!

 

Lots of love and thanks for listening.

 

~Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

Gosh! I tell you I get soooo tired of seeing rape on television. You know, for entertainment shows. It's always so akward.

If I'm by myself I change it, but if other people are around I try to act like it doesn't bother me.

But it really does.

 

I'm also feeling a little insecure about being able to save the amount of money I'll need to live where I want to live and to do the things I'd like.

 

I mean I will save over the years so I can be set for retirement but I really just feel so exhausted.

 

And then they're talking about the end of the world (that doesn't concern me too much)....

 

What really scares me in unpredictability. That terrifies me actually.

 

And I really hate being away from my boyfriend because you never know what's going to happen in this life. And if anything were to happen........I would want to spend my last moments around him.

 

I mean rape does really throw your life out of whack. Nothing is safe now, ya know. Because you could never have predicted that someone would rape you. Now everything is a possible threat.

 

And I remember being in a class in high-school, where someone came to talk to us about abuse.

And she said one in four women will be raped, and I just knew it wouldn't be me.

 

Well I guess I was wrong on that one.

 

And then I think with most people, definitely me, it's like you're afraid people won't believe you. And that they'll side with your attacker.

For me that's like the worst thing that could happen.

It would totally invalidate me, as a human being, and invalidate my whole existence.

 

That's like saying I'm nothing all over again. I was nothing when I was raped (at least in my attackers eyes).

I wasn't a human being with free will or a soul or feelings, I was nothing in his eyes. Otherwise he wouldn't have done what he did.

 

Then I remembered I went to see a school counselor after I almost commited suicide (I mixed alcohol with tylenol (sp?), anywho it doesn't matter). She saw what a devastated wreck I was.

 

I mean, all of the therapists I've been to know I'm telling the truth, but why isn't that good enough? Why isn't that good enough for me? What else do I need? Why do I care?

 

Why can't I just let go?

 

It's a little worse now because now I'm thinking about my ex now (abuser).

I don't like it one bit. I mean the rape happened right after so that has taken all of my attention in that respect. But now I have to deal with memories of the ex too.

It's a little too much for me right now. I don't like it one bit.

I feel stuck

 

I feel like my dreams are in limbo, and may not come true.

 

I'm not making enough money, I'm not spending enough time with God, I'm not losing weight fast enough, I'm tired...I'm starting to feel really bad about it.

 

And then my friend has a baby and she's living with her boyfriend, and she has her own apartment.

Although she does get paid more than I do.

 

And I feel like an idiot for agreeing to a wage that is wayyyy below what I should be receiving.

 

It's rough right now and people are making out on t.v. grrrr.

 

But then I can't change the channel cause my mom is watching the t.v.

 

What is it with me and sex? I don't like seeing it or hearing about it too much, or whatever else. But I enjoy having it with my boyfriend (when I'm not flashing back to the rape), and I want to really like it.

 

Sometimes I just have to say this...."Sex sucks". I know that's not a nice thing to say. And I know it doesn't make sense considering that I really enjoy it most times but...............who knows?

 

I just feel like I kind of want a Starbucks, but I'm on the lemonade diet so I can't.

 

I'm just here. Just here, and I'm already tired of working. Sometimes I like it and sometimes I don't

And my little office mate left today. He'd been there for a month (if not less). It sucks because now i'll have no one to keep me company or to laugh with.

 

I don't know, my job is easy and incredibly boring. I'll be glad to begin grad. school.

 

And I'm upset because life looks like it's going to be so hard. And I was really good at it and up for future challanges before rape and abuse.

 

Now...............................???????????

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm on my 3rd day of the lemonade diet and I've been thinking about driving down the hill to get a cheeseburger for at least the last half-hour.

 

I don't know. I've spent most of the day adding to my cook book so I'll be able to cook for my husband (when I get married of course).

 

I've found so many wonderful and delicious recipes.

I tell you it's amazing all the food you think of when you're not eating any.

 

I'm thinking of food I was eating three years ago.

 

I would make food for my best friend sometimes. When I'd cook he loved the food, except when I invented my own recipes, LOL!!!!

 

Like I love spicy sandwhiches!!! It's a regular sandwhich, only you add cayenne pepper to it. Oh my gosh!!! That was so delicious!.

 

And then about a year before that, I used to make tuna melts in my dorm. And they were soooo good!!! I had this grill someone gave me for graduation (highschool), it really came in handy.

 

I don't know. I'm not hungry but I definitely want food.

 

How did I get so big so fast? Gosh it's crazy. I know the weight will come off but....I guess I'm just not happy that I got this big at all.

 

Okay, I guess I'm happy about getting my body back. I'll be pretty again, but I really don't think I'll feel any differently.

That's the thing.

 

I was watching lifetime today (otherwise known as "the victim channel"). I don't know, but watching it actually made me feel a little better.

It was about this lady and her husband was a rapist. She kept telling people about it but know one would believe her. She eventually found a way to make sure he got caught. It was based on a true story.

 

I like the movie because it shows that victims are real people, because since the rape I don't feel like a real person anymore.

I'm always aware of the fact that I was raped, and it's on my mind daily. And I feel like someone bad.

 

I don't know but, for some reason that's how I feel. I mean it's.........it's like why did I get raped. I don't know I mean the whole thing was really, really degrading, and I don't know how I'll get over that.

 

I really want a hot dog right now.

 

Anyways...........I want to feel like a normal person again.

I know I'm blessed, I mean I've been blessed with so many things. But I feel slightly cursed. I mean I feel like I've been changed and that I'll never be able to change back into who I used to be.

 

I guess I just still feel so ashamed. Really, really ashamed. And upset, upset that a stranger was able to rape me.

 

Someone from who-knows-where, I mean how could someone have the balls to do that. I mean to be so bold. I mean, I was around him for maybe an hour before he drugged me. I mean, how do you do that to a person? I mean how could he. I did absolutely nothing to him. Nothing. I didn't even know him, and he can just rape me, and walk away untouched.

And I'm left here living my life like this.

It's too much sometimes.

 

And then to admit what he did, and laugh about it......it's just so wrong. So wrong .

 

I'm still........I don't even know, I don't even know if I have any feelings of true anger towards him. It's like he's....I don't know some kind of....I don't even know what he is.

 

He's kind of like a character you read about in a book....real at the time, but now....just something you remember.

 

I mean, I know he's a real person, still out there, still doing bad things. But I mean, he's a stanger!!!

I still can't get over, how you can just decide to rape someone like that.

I mean, you've really go to be insane. How could you just decide you're going to rape someone like that. It doesn't make any since.

 

And I knew Ariel would act the way she did. I could just sense it. I tell her I'm raped and she says, "oh".

 

Like "oh" I've been caught.

 

Oh and then how she rubbed it in my face, by telling me he said I needed to enjoy sex more. And then she said he told her that "whenever he tried to go below your neck you kept saying, no no come back up here". I mean. And she was laughing.

That not funny. I want him to stop what he's doing, and he's doing it anyways, and you find it funny?!

 

I mean, she's done so much stuff.

I mean talk about adding insult to injury.

 

And then to....I mean she did so much. So much, and for what? So she wouldn't be prosecuted for setting me up?

I mean.......... I would...........just the whole thing. How she lied to me, just everything she did.

 

What was she getting out of it all? I mean, why did she do it?

If she wasn't such a liar....if I would have only known who she really was....what she was...it would have never happened.

 

If I knew the type of person she was I would have never talked to her, never.

Never.

 

How did this happen to me? How?

 

I mean when did she decide that she wanted to do this to me? I was such a good friend to her.

Why would she do it?

 

I hope she never finds happiness. I hope she thinks about the horrible things she has done for every day of the rest of her life.

 

I hope that her guilt will kill her.

 

And him.........I hope he gets sent to prison. And then he'll know what it feels like to be raped by a stranger.

 

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[Gracelove]

I just finished watching old "I love New York" shows.

 

That show is soooo hiliarious. It has me laughing constantly.

 

I should be sleeping right now. I'm really sleepy, but I always fight sleep.

 

I miss my boyfriend. I tried to reach him tonight but couldn't, I really think he's sleeping.

 

I have a guy friend that I talk to occasionally. He's funny and nice. But he's always telling me I'm not getting married, I'm in love with his friend, and he's going to have his friend break up the wedding.

 

Usually it's kind of funny, but tonight......I don't know, I didn't find it so funny.

 

At first I thought it was funny, but now I'm starting to think he's serious about not wanting me to get married to my boyfriend and I don't know why. It's kind of weird. Anywho....

 

I would lovvvvve to go to sleep right now, but I just can't.

 

My little kitty is running all over the house and it's soooo cute!!!

 

She's such a good little baby. When she gets sleepy she'll go into her room and get in her bed to go to sleep. It's sooo cute! I love her to death.

 

I'm not sure why I won't go to sleep. I think something's bothering me, but I'm not sure what.

 

Just, not talking to my boyfriend, and then listening to my friend....it's got me feeling kind of weird.

 

Anywho. I'm so exhausted. I know. Maybe it's this diet. Maybe that's why I feel the way I do.

In that case I better go to sleep. But I soooooo don't want to.

 

I feel like crying. I wish it would just come so I could get it over with.

 

What am I going to do with my life? I haven't a clue yet. I know what I'd like to do. I mean marriage requires so much responsibility. I think it's mainly finances. Outside of that my boyfriend and I are set.

 

I was feeling so great about things until my friend was telling me about how pricey it is where I want to live.

And I had already calculated all of my expenses. I don't know. Even though I should still be able to live there, it got me a little down.

Isn't that horrible.

I mean I love my friends, I'm just too darn sensitive these days. Which is why I don't spend as much time with them these days.

 

I really should go to bed. Gosh, what is wrong with me?! Why won't I just go to sleep. I mean I totally don't feel like moving. I don't want to get off of the couch.

 

I can't believe Monday is right around the corner. I feel like I'm in a dead end job. I don't want to set and stare at a computer all day every day for the next few years. And I don't want to spend 2 hrs. of my day commuting anymore.

I want a new job.

 

I'm so cold. I have the slidding glass door open, but it feels good.

How can something feel good but be cold at the same time?

 

Okay, I'm talking crazy, I'm definitely going to take myself to bed now.

 

Night.

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[Gracelove]

I was trying to give this whole positive thing a-go. This whole "Law of Attraction".

 

My mom has been that way for years but we never called it that.

 

I'm having just a tad bit of difficulty and I'm tired.

 

I feel like I'm walking on egg shells attempting to think only positive thoughts or feel only good emotions. It's somewhat exhausting.

 

I don't think that this is going to be something I can get right away.

 

I mean I haven't been thinking bad thoughts which is good, but I am tired.

 

And I feel like this whole thing has a harsh side to it.

 

I grew up hearing my mom go on and on about the "think and be positive" thing. And, "if you believe it, you can achieve it, and receive it" thing.

 

But there is a lot of hurt wrapped up in that also.

 

It's like my mom expected me to be instantly better after the rape and it was really hurtful.

She didn't really want me talking about it or thinking about it or anything. She didn't want me to acknowledge I was depressed......

 

It's like shutting down the human side of a person ya know.

 

I can't speak what I'm feeling, I have to be quiet because the things that I'm feeling aren't nice.

 

What about reality?

I was really hurting, I needed to talk about it once I was at a place where I was strong enough to do that.

 

I can totally understand and relate to thinking and being positive, but I don't think that should cause me to act inhuman.

 

I like to consider myself a practical person. And I can't for the life of me understand people who want to sweep everything under the rug.

 

When being raised by our parents there are certain things that we pick up, we can't help it. And I picked up that whole positive thing from my mom.

 

And now looking back on it, I'm so upset that I did (to a certain extent).

 

"Be positive" was so ingrained in me that after I was raped I tried to find the positive side of rape.

 

I wouldn't even call it rape at first because that was so "negative" even though I knew that was exactly what happened to me.

 

Instead, I remembered him kissing me at one point so I termed that as being "affectionate".

 

Well he raped me but at one point he was "affectionate".

 

And then since I couldn't use the word "rape" and had to substitute that with something less negative sounding...."One night stand". Because maybe, just maybe, I could (if I tried hard enough) convince myself that it was a one night stand.

 

Why? Because that's more positive than being raped.

 

And I feel like I just tortured myself looking for the positive in something that could never be, because God forbid that I acknowledge that being raped was a negative thing through and through.

 

And it hurts even now, because no matter how I tried to word it, I couldn't make...being raped a positive in any form or fashion.

 

So then I had to accept my reality. I had to accept that I had been raped, that this horrible thing had happened and that nothing..my positive thinking, my denial..nothing could ever change that.

 

And that was the hardest thing I've ever had to accept in my entire life.

 

So now, when I hear all of this positive talk. I can understand, and except it, but I refuse to go to the extreme with it.

 

I'm tired of hurting. And I was just getting to the place where I could accept that bad things happen to good people and that's life.

 

And now, I'm suppose to believe that every bad thing that has ever happened to me is my fault because I attracted it.

 

That's a really hard thing to grasp. Espicially since I've been a good person.

 

I'm all for being positive, but I don't believe that the "Law of attraction" is the answer to all of life's mysteries.

 

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[Gracelove]

I found happiness tonight!!!

 

Oh my gosh I've been having so much fun tonight!

It's been great.

 

First I took a nice hot bath, and got in bed. And I watched entertainment tonight (the usual)

 

And then I got on the internet and started looking things up.

 

I think what got me started was listening to keith richard talking about sniffing his fathers ashes.

 

I mean it was soooo hiliarious!!! I could just picture him with that look on his face, and the way he talks, talking about how he snorted his father's ashes all non-chalant like. It was just soooooo freakin hiliarious!!!!

 

My boyfriend however said it made his stomach feel sick. Poor thing!

 

Then I looked at link removed and watched that Sanjaya clip which was so freakin hiliarious. I watched that a few times.

 

Then I watched Alanis Morsette's video version of "My humps". I've seen that video 3 times already and I still love it.

 

After that I looked up that Skittles commercial with the singing rabbit, that one always make me laugh.

 

From there is was the Sunfizz sprite commercial.

 

THEN BARBIE GIRL BY AQUA.

 

That totally made my night! I was sooooo happy! That used to be my song. And then when I was a little girl I was the biggest barbie fanatic ever!

 

I've been totally happy tonight. Then I remembered some of my favorite songs that I haven't heard in a long time....

 

~Ace of Base - Sign, All that she wants

~Yellow Card - Ocean Avenue

~Dido - Hunter

~Cardigans - Love fool

 

It's amazing how great music can remind you of happy, fun times and make you feel so good!

 

I had to write about this night. It's so wonderful to just be happy and carefree again.

 

Thank you Jesus!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

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