:)

[Gracelove]

Oh, did I mention that I'm not cutting my hair?

 

I always grab the scissors when I'm upset or stressed. I always cut my hair.

 

Not this time, LOL! I'm doing the exact opposite. I'm letting my hair grow hella long!

 

I'm not letting a beautian touch it either, then I'll be tempted to have her cut it.

 

I'm going to condition my hair, and when it gets down to the middle of my back, like my cousin's hair (Z.), then I'll dye it and have it straightened.

 

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[Gracelove]

Soooooooooooooo...my dad is taking a nap and my cat is taking a nap.

 

I bought some new workout clothes and will be heading to the gym sometime today.

 

I finished one work packet, I have 6 more. I'm going to finish the packets this weekend.

 

Get to work early on Monday, turn in my hours, so that my boss can make sure I get a nice size check by Friday.

 

I want to take a nap right about now, but would that be wise?

 

I really want to finish these packets. It'll absolutely blow my boss out of the water. No way in the world he would expect that.

 

I think I'll just work some more right now.

 

And then I'll go feed my neighbor's cat.

 

My dad is so funny, he really plans on selling our house.

 

He got a brochere (sp?), because one of the houses in the neighborhood is for sell. I would so buy that house. It's a nice house, it's not huge, but it's great for a single woman. I'll still have a view.

 

I told my dad that I'll live with him and my mom until I have enough for a house, LOL!!!

 

You should have seen the look on his face!!!

 

He was like, "We'll be gone by then".

 

I was like, "Where are you going?" He said, "Probably down south". He is originally from Alabama and I think he wants to go back.

 

And then he was like, "You plan on getting a house in this neighborhood?!"

 

And I was like, "ya".

 

He's like, "Do you know how much it costs to get a house?"

 

LOL! I know he must think I'm crazy. Houses in this neighborhood start at $1 million.

 

But hey, nothing is wrong with dreaming big.

 

If I work for three years, work two jobs, and save basically everything then I may have enough for a down payment.

 

Okay, maybe 5 years. 10 years?

 

I really doubt my mom will let my dad sell this house. To move down south? Why would anyone want to do that, LOL!

 

I mean, there is so very much out here. It's the place to be!

 

But I guess if you're getting up in age you don't want to have to fight the traffic jams.

 

In 3 years I'd have enough for a house down south.

 

But am I going to want to live in the country? I'm going to want to have fun in the city.

 

If I have to move out soon, I already know where I want to stay. I want to stay in that gorgeous apartment complex I first had my eyes on.

 

But then I feel like I'll be wasting money.

 

Oh well.

 

I could probably save enough money to live in this neighborhood if I work my a** off. LOL! But then it's a time issue as well. I want to go back to school.

 

And everyone knows that when you're in school you don't really have very much money.

 

That's why I have to hurry up. My mom changed her mind and said that she would pay for my grad. school.

 

Goodness, so much to do, so little time.

 

Okay, first I've got to find an excellent job with good pay. In the meantime I'll get in shape. Then once I get to the size I like, I'll buy quality clothes, for work and school.

 

I'll still get those diamond earrings though.

 

Jewelry is important because it always makes you look polished and classy.

 

I really need to do some serious planning.

 

It's really so very hot in here. If they plan on selling this house they'll need air.

 

I have so very much to think about. Life isn't easy, but I have to find a way to get those things that I want.

 

I want to be an interpreter, but I better see what the pay is like.

 

And I love getting a lots of nice gifts for my friends, but do you think that's a waste of money?

 

Maybe I should pretend that I'm in college and have no money. Then I can save that money instead.

 

I've already kicked my Starbucks habit, I haven't been in at least a month.

 

I haven't kicked my red bull habit though.

Besides Red bull makes your hair grow really fast, I think it's the Vitamin B.

 

I need to make one of those 5-year plans.

 

The gym and trainer is a necessity. It's a great way to relive stress.

 

It's a high. A high that's actually good for you.

 

Everything else can go by-the-way-side, with the exception of the usual stuff.

 

I think I'll just lay down for a second, take a couple of deep breaths and evaluate my feelings, LOL!

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm having another down moment. I miss my ex. I want to know how he is doing, if he is okay.

 

 

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[Gracelove]

How could he do this to me when I love him so much.

 

Should I call him? I know that I can't. I don't think any good could come out of it. I don't want to lose my focus. I don't want to be lied to.

 

My pain, anger, and frustration are pushing me to make myself better.

 

I don't want to hear his sorry excuses.

 

Anyways, it would be a complete waste of effort. He has to call me and apologize for what he has done.

 

He has to be sorry for what he has done to me. I won't take the easy route. I know it's painful, but I can be strong.

 

Sometimes you just want to know why. Don't I deserve a why?

 

But I don't want to hear his explanation.

 

I love him, but I don't want to take him back.

 

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm okay now. I read over the e-mails I sent to him, and there is nothing left to say.

 

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm so sad, my dad came to ask me how I felt about the break up.

 

I don't want to talk about it with him.

 

He says he has a feeling my ex will try to contact me again. He and my dad used to talk without my knowledge sometimes.

 

I told him that I blocked my ex from my e-mail account.

 

My ex's e-mail priveleges have been permanently revoked.

 

I'm so f-ing sick of him.

 

He's probably back home right now

Breville hemisphere blender...I have to remember that one.

 

Okay, anywho, I got distracted.

 

Ya, he's probably at home, all alone sitting on his couch trying to figure out what to do.

 

This is going to be his first day of suffering.

 

His mommie dearest isn't around, LOL!

 

I hope he reads the e-mails I sent him, over and over again.

 

He's such a f-ing fraud.

 

So, how long will it take for him to call me? I received a call from an unfamiliar number today. The person waited for the recording to start, and then hung up.

 

He's such a bastard.

 

Hmmmmmmmmm, how long will it take? Months? If so, I'll be hella furious by then, noooo mercy.

 

I know this is making me stronger, but it hurts.

 

It hurts to be treated this way by someone I love.

 

I think I'll read a magazine.

 

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[Gracelove]

What a horrible night sleep.

 

I'm so tried. I just woke up and as soon as I wake up my dad starts harping on my giving up my cat away because she urinated in the living room.

 

But I won't.

 

I love my cat.

 

I'm losing everything, you know. And now he wants me to get rid of the last cat that I have and I just won't do it.

 

I'll pay the money for the house to be steam cleaned.

 

And then he said I have to think about other people and what they have to go through.

 

Is he serious?!!!! I always think about other people!

 

He acts like her urine is Hydrofluoric acid at I'm sprinkling all over the house, and it's endangering peoples lives.

 

After I pay off my credit cards I'm moving out.

 

I'm so tired of everyone picking on me all of the time.

 

I'm so sick and tired of it.

 

I'm always nice to people, too nice and all I get is sh** in return it's not even worth it!

 

None of this is worth it.

 

Gosh these people don't quit! I'm crying and my dad is still going on about making Ali and outdoor cat.

 

I just told him that they have FIV now-a-days. I even explained to him what it was.

 

There is no f-ing break for me. It's always one thing after the other it never stops, never stops.

 

I'm so f-ing through. Nobody cares.

 

I'll pay off my cards, get that new job, and I'll move out.

 

And Ali has been doing so well. I've been cleaning out her box daily and she has only had one or two hishaps, when she used to have accidents all of the time.

 

I am so f-through.

 

Everything is pointless.

 

I'm going to be stuck on this crapy planet until I die and go to heaven.

 

And who says I ever need to have kids. I don't think I really need to have any kids.

 

I'll just adopt after a while. That'll be special. Give another child a chance.

 

And then I won't be pressed for time.

 

As long as I exercise, and drink lots of water, and keep up on beauty treatments I'll live a long-time.

 

So I can save and save, etc. etc. And then I'll adopt when I'm 40 year old.

 

Then I'll have more than enough money to spoil my little girl.

 

And I'll have to make lots of investments so that I'll have plenty of money.

 

And I'll retire early. And I will teach that little girl everything that I know.

 

We'll travel the world together. We'll do volunteer work. There will always been plenty of animals around. I'll take her to the zoo, we'll go to art galleries.

 

And I'll teach her all of the languages I've aquired between now and then.

 

Oh, we'll have fun cooking, and just everything.

 

And I don't want there to be a thing that she wants that I can't buy.

 

But of course I'll be smart. You have to discipline child. She won't just get everything she wants when she wants it.

 

I'll make sure she understands "no" and respects when other people say "no".

 

She'll be a smart little girl. And I'll make it so that she knows from the beginning that doesn't have to look for her worth in man.

 

And that she doesn't have to lower herself so that she's acceptable in the eyes of a man.

 

She can be as great and as bold as she wants to be.

 

Oh, and when she's about 17 years old. I'll tell her that vibrators are always an option.

 

Usually they only mention condoms as an option, but vibrators are an option also.

 

My dad went outside and didn't close the sliding glass door when he came back in, and now I'm freezing my a** off. Didn't he notice that it was closed when he went out there?!

 

Men?!!!!!!!!! I swear?!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

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[Gracelove]

My kitten goes outside every single day.

 

We let her out on the deck, and she runs around to her hearts content. She chases bugs, birds...but she's safe.

 

We've made it so that she can't get off of the deck.

 

Anywho, I'm just tired.

 

I've decided to spend the whole day in my room.

 

I'm going to finish these packets so I can get paid for weekend work.

 

I should have some nice overtime this week.

 

Everything is just so hard sometimes.

 

Do you know that in the e-mail he sent me my ex said that he cared for me?

 

He went from, "I love you so much" to "I care for you".

 

LOL! Can you believe it? I'm so through with him. I really am.

 

And I hope that he doesn't call me for a long time. The longer it takes for him to call me, the more turned-off I'll be.

 

So, if he waits a long time I'll completely cut up off and I won't feel an ounce of guilt about it.

 

Well it's time for me to think about my own future, and get to work.

 

Of course I'll be listening to Linkin park for inspiration.

 

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[Gracelove]

Am I crazy!!! I don't have to stay in this house.

 

I'll go to my neighbors house.

 

Besides their cat Toula didn't want me to leave yesterday.

 

I'll take my work down there and blast my Linkin Park, and when I feel frustrated I'll just start cleaning up there house.

 

Won't that be a nice surprise?

 

Anju would love that.

 

I remember when I used to take care of her girls for her, everytime I kept them I would clean their house.

 

Gosh that was years ago! T. was 2 years old, and R. was 2 months old.

 

Now, goodness, R. must be.......um 6 years old? Maybe 8?

 

I think I used to take care of them when I was like 12 years old, let me calculate that....okay, so T. is 13 years old, and R. is about 2 years younger than that (11).

 

That was so long ago.

 

I think that'll be a good idea.

 

Do you know I used to watch the girls at clean house for $0.75 each day, LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Isn't that sooooo hiliarious?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I was so happy to take care of the children I didn't care, LOL!

 

I tell you, life is soooo crazy!

 

 

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[Gracelove]

Oh, and another thing, I had no idea my mom's best friend was making freakin $100k a year!!!!!!

 

I should have been a freakin accountant! Because Science doesn't get you S***!

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm here at work guys. That's right, I made the commute.

 

I don't care what anyone says, I'm staying in that beautiful apartment complex.

 

I deserve it.

 

I'll move in, and I'll get two cats. I'll keep Ali of course and I'll get another cat for her to play with, maybe a girl.

 

I need to move out you know.

 

My best friend Shayla wants me to move to a beach town with her.

 

They have a school there that has great language programs.

 

She wants to go there because she's interested in Wildlife Biology.

 

I majored in Animal Science.

 

Shayla doesn't like science or math, I'm trying to inform her that she'll be wallowing in it if she goes for Wildlife Biology, but she's trying to do her own thing. So I tell her to go ahead.

 

If I live in that beach town then I'll have to commute to get to the city you know. It's not worth it for me.

 

I love the beach, but I don't think I love it that much.

 

Anywho, I've had my daily red bull.

 

I'm feeling overwhelmed, so much going on.

 

I was so stressed I missed two days of taking Zoloft.

 

But I don't care, I have so much that I want to do, my body just needs to catch up.

 

I barely eat, but that's natural.

 

And on an up note my body is starting to look really nice.

 

I'll have a completely flat stomach in another month.

 

This break up is rough on me. But I've got to pull it together.

 

I have no time to waste. I can't freak out.

 

I'm officially broke. Well, not literally, I still have money in savings, but that doesn't count.

 

I'll only be broke until Friday.

 

Gosh, why do I feel this way. My body feels like it's about to shut down, I feel like I'll start crying.

 

But I can't afford that crap, I have to keep moving.

 

I'll pop some tylenol and get with the program.

 

I have to check out the gym today. I don't know what it's like on the weekends.

 

But I know at certain times the gym is so unbelivably crowded, it's like a night club.

 

And then when it's crowded they only allow you to stay on the popular cardio machines for only 20 minutes.

 

I don't need to be pressed for time at the gym.

 

I like shooting for an hour. I only made it to 45 min. on the elpitical machine the other day, but I was running my a** off the entire time.

 

Gosh, I was we had an E-machine at my house.

 

I'm so freaking scared of slowing down.

 

When I go to feed my neighbor's cat, I always hang out with her for a while. I rub her and talk to her, etc.

 

But sometimes, after about 20minutes, I just want to leave.

 

You know, because it's so peaceful and quite and there is all of this time to think.

 

I can't afford to think. I won't let this man break me down. I've had enough breakdowns already. I'm so through with it all.

 

It's nothing but a waste of my time. I can't afford to waste anymore time.

 

You know when a plant shuts down, people quit early. And now, all of the work they had, falls on the shoulders of the rest of us here.

 

That's why I have so much freaking work.

 

I have to get it done this weekend so that I can have time to do much job searching.

 

It's just ridiculous.

 

My office mate wants me to take my time on the work. She thinks that thy longer I take the longer I'll be able to stay in the office.

 

We like to talk, you know.

 

But I told her that they'll still move me to the front desk, they'll just make me do the work there.

 

I wish I could stay in the office. It's nice to have another woman to talk to. I mean we talk about absolutely everything, it's nice.

 

And then there is my boss, we talk about everything too.

 

And I'll be in another building, with hella time on my hands to think about crap I don't want to think about.

 

It's like a death-sentence.

It really sucks.

 

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[Gracelove]

Okay, back home, there was basically no traffic...well not nearly as much as there is on the week days.

 

So when I was driving down the hill I saw this fine-a** man running with no shirt on.

Whew!!!!

 

He was so built!

 

I was thinking, hmmmmmm, maybe when I get my body back I'll run around in a sports bra and some biker shorts, LOL!!!

 

I can just see it now. My dad will be driving up the hill and then he'll stop and be like, "GRACE!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!!!!!!! GET IN THIS CAR RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!"

 

LOL! I'll never here the end of it! Whew! I wouldn't want to hear that lecture. Talk about ranting and raving.

 

Sooooo not worth it.

 

But since he is intent on moving to Alabama, then I'll wait until they leave, LOL!

 

Ya right, I know I'll get a phone call.

 

They'll be like, "I heard you were running around outside in your underware."

 

And I'll be like, "No I wasn't, I was wearing workout clothes".

 

Oh well.

 

Okay, so, I guess I'll make my little CD, and go down the hill to hang with Toula. Or around the corner I should say.

 

I want that house around the corner. It would be so great for me. I want that house,

I want it! I want it!!!!

 

I mean it's perfect for me. But it's $986,000. Maybe they could cut the price in half for me. Ya right, LOL!

 

It's not a huge home at all. But it's so nice. Perfect for a single woman.

 

Gosh! Why does that house have to be soooo expensive!!!!

 

Goodness. I want to live in this neighborhood, but I don't want to spend my life saving every penny so that I can afford it.

 

Goodness.

 

Our house is perfect. But I know I couldn't afford this house.

 

Isn't that sad? Children are supposed to be better off than their parents.

 

I can't even afford my parents home.

 

Oh well, Bianca's on the phone.

[Gracelove]

It's good to have friends, even those sometime- friends like Bianca.

 

I can't lie though. We are more like sisters. Sometimes we don't like each other and sometimes we do, but we'll always love each other.

 

So, I'm feeling kind of okay about my ex right now.

 

He's not that important.

 

He screwed up so badly you know.

 

I'll be so shocked if he doesn't contact me in the next month or so.

 

I know myself, I'm too quick to forgive. I always want to take someone back and love them again.

 

My mom has been instrumental in my other breakups.

She has made sure that I didn't take them back. And encouraged me to let them go.

 

But this time, my mom isn't against my ex. She knows men screw up, and she likes him.

 

So now I have to do it on my own. I have to stand strong all on my own.

 

I just have to. When he comes back, I have to turn him down. I can't take him back.

 

I love him so much, but I just can't take him back. It isn't right to do so.

 

I've thought about doing the guy thing. Just being friends with him while I date other men.

 

Maybe that's a possibility.

 

I can't wait to be a dancer. I'm a dancer at heart. I've always been really good at dancing. All of my instructors have said so and I've always received compliments from others.

 

Dancing is the most liberating thing in the world.

 

But I won't start again until I have to body that I used to have.

 

And the way my trainer works me....I'll have such a strong body again.

 

That's all I care about really. Forget the men. I can be his friend. I just want to dance.

 

And I want to date other men.

LOL! Isn't that funny?

 

I'm doing pretty well because I'm kind of thinking the way I used to.

 

I used to love men telling me how beautiful I was.

 

Come to think of it, I'm kind of in a sexual mood.

 

Oooo, I can't wait to start dancing again.

 

The intimacy, the power, the skill, the technique.

 

Ooooo, I'm getting a little hot here, LOL!

 

I CAN NOT wait.

 

I'm listening to Madonna's "Human Nature" right now.

 

If there was ever a song to dance to..........whew!!!

 

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I tell you, even I move into that nice complex, I'm going to call Ebony and have her order me the biggest vibrator in her booklet

There is this one, It's like $100-something. It has soooooo many functions, whew!!!

I'm getting hot just thinking about it, LOL!!!!

I'm so bad.

See, another reason I work out so hard at the gym, LOL!

Whew!

I'm getting my act together. I'm going to work and save, I'll need to pay for my dance classes.

You know, I always wanted a female dance teacher, maybe I'll look for a male also.

Oooooo, dance class every day of the week would be soooo wonderful!

I'm going to do that for myself, whew!!!

I tell you, vibrators are liberating too.

I love being fit, you know, you can do absolutely any and everything with your body.

And since my parents had me in dance when I was younger, I am soooo flexible.

Whew! I tell you, the wild side in me is starting to come out.

Well, I have been on Spring Break in about 2 years now, so I guess it's somewhat overdue.

Hmmmm....I'm syked now.

A beautiful young woman, taking care of herself, has nice things, a nice apartment, supporting herself.

I like it already!!!!

I think I'll order those Egyptian cotton sheets next month.

The apartment I want has a bedroom large enough for a King.

Ahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sooooo excited!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ooo, and making out with guys is so much fun!

Hmmmmmm.........anywho, a little bit at a time.

But I can't do this if I'm going back to school.

Then it'll just be nothing but school and work........

So much to do and so little time. How am I going to do that?

You saw what my mom did with my brothers porno magazines. If she finds a huge-a** vibrator in my room, I'll never live it down.

Can I really hold off on any kind of sex for 2 years?!

In the past I've just purchase vibrators while they were out of town and threw them in the trash before the returned.

But I'm not going to throw away a $100 vibrator! No way!

Besides, degrees don't gurantee (sp?) you a good job, or decent salary.

 

 

And if I meet a guy, I can't bring them home of course, and I can't go to their house because my dad will be up all night waiting for me to get back.

 

I can always go to K.'s house and meet a guy from there.

 

 

But I'll have to wait until K. moves out of her parents house.

 

Our parents are friends and my parents will call their house in a hot second.

 

Soooo much planning has to be done.

 

All I need is a week to hang with my good girlfriends, like in Miami or something.

 

But it's not like we're in college where we are all in the same place and get vacation at the same time.

 

 

Oh well, I'll think of something.

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