:)

[Gracelove]

Okay, K. just called me and she wants to go out at 10pm!

 

How am I going to make it? I'll be so sleepy.

 

We will get where we are going around 11pm, who knows how long we will stay and when we will get back.

 

I'm scared, talk about DeJaVu. And I remember soooooo long ago, I rode somewhere with K. in her car. She sped soooo fast!

 

I'll have to pray before I go out tonight.

 

I don't want to say, "no" though, because she's such a cool person.

 

10 pm!!! That is sooo crazy! Why so late? What's going on at 10?

 

What was wrong with 8pm?

 

This is not looking good.

 

Why can't I just say, "no"sometimes. I mean that's what happened last time. When we showed up at the club, and then things weren't going the way the said they would....I didn't object, or ask questions. I didn't want to be a party-pooper or spoil fun for everyone else.

 

Oh well.

 

And K. is driving this time.

 

I'm trying to get rid of any anxiety. Gosh, I do not want to go to a club!

 

I better make sure my cell phone gets charged.

 

Anywho, I'll think of something else. My boyfriend's ring.

 

I don't know. I'm just tired.

 

I don't want to go out tonight. I don't want to go. Is that so wrong? But then I don't want to be a liar, and renig(sp?) also.

 

I don't want to go out tonight. I don't want to be out that late. But I don't want to tell K. what happened in the past. I like to keep things like that to myself these days.

 

It's fun hanging out with K. But that's so late at night.

 

I wonder if she still speeds. It was slightly scary last time.

 

What to do?

 

Anywho, I remember there was this braclet the I really wanted. It stayed in the jewelry store for months, until I was able to buy it.

 

I think it will be the same with the ring that I want.

 

Anywho, I'm off to rest.

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[Gracelove]

My mom thinks I should go out and that going out at 10pm is normal....so I guess I'm going out.

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[Gracelove]

I just got back from going out with K. and it was fun.

 

I hated the club though, absolutely hated it. But chatting in the car on the way there and back was fun.

 

I walked into that club and saw all of those men, and I felt panicked.

 

I'm so glad I'm past the whole club scene. It just totally looked silly to me.

 

I reallllly hate clubs.

 

When we were going up there I had this feeling of impending doom.

 

I was really worried.

 

I was thinking that something bad would happen and it would all be my fault because I didn't refrain from going.

 

But everything went really well, minus the club part.

 

And then there is my boyfriend. I am upset with him.

 

We've been together for 1 year and 5 months. We have spoken with each other every day, if only once.

 

And you know what? He was gone to see his mother and hasn't spoken with me in two days.

 

I haven't heard his voice.

 

I'm not freaking out. I mean how many of my friends don't I talk to every day.

 

But I have a feeling that when I actually talk to him, I won't have much to say.

 

Simply because there is no reason for him to not have called me, and I was so proud of the fact that we talked daily. It was so special to me.

 

And I know that if I didn't talk to him daily, he wouldn't like it.

 

If I went out on vacation and didn't call. He wouldn't like it one bit.

 

I'm upset about it, because I don't know what's going on.

 

But it's okay, K. told me something really good tonight. I should look out for myself...numero uno.

 

I'm going to get my ring. Why should I get his first? I want that ring, it's beautiful and I'm going to get it.

 

And why should I be making all of the plans? He's going to have to pay for something. Why should I have to support the both of us.

 

K. is right, that is a lot of pressure on me. A lot.

 

And then I get the feeling that he thinks he's marrying money. I'm sorry to disappoint him, but that isn't the case.

 

I'm going to be working my little bottom off to make things work, and he's going to have to do the same.

 

I'm scared. I want to marry a man who will take care of me.

I want to know that he can. I want to work and save my own money.

 

I don't want someone to marry me because they think I have a better life. Or because they......I don't know, it just hurts.

 

And then his mother is into fraud. Am I really going to want that woman around my children?

 

If she tries to screw with our finances, I'll have her arrested. And then what, I'll get a divorce?

 

I'm not that girl who will turn her head away. I'm not going to be silent. I'm going to stand up for myself.

 

Marriage. He needs to have a job.

 

He needs to have a job. I need to know what his credit looks like.

He needs to tell me how bad his mother screwed up his credit.

 

I'm scared.

 

I mean he hasn't called.

 

I'm freaking out. He has been there for me....ever since the rape, he has been there.

 

And now I feel abandoned.

 

If he were to leave me........I wouldn't date again. I don't feel comfortable around men.

 

I can't trust men. But I've been able to trust him.

 

I'm not carefree anymore.

 

There was a time where I could drain my account and get a ring that I wanted. And I would be happy about it. And I wouldn't have second thoughts.

 

I would come home, happy as a lark. No worries.

 

This whole rape thing, I'm finally beginning to feel free of that.

 

I went to a club tonight, and I didn't have a panick attack, I didn't flip out, or go crazy.

 

It's like, I'm recovering from the rape thing and now I'm being given a whole new set of responsibilities.

 

I'll be purchasing the furniture, and the dishes, and the food.....and all of this feels so one-sided.

 

And I tell myself, he's busy. And he is. I don't want to put stress on him. But I'm afraid.

 

What if he's a con too? What if he and his mother are up there coniving (sp?)?

 

Like, okay, in the past he has talked about how we'll move into my parents' house after they die.

 

How does he think that makes me feel? Oh, so he's just interested in the house on the hill?

 

I'm scared.

 

And I keep saying to myself, "Grace this is the man that nutured you, that took you in after the rape. He could have hurt you more, abused you, kill you, anything. But he didn't. He suffered there right along with you. It can't all be fake. He does love you."

 

And I'm just so scared right now.

 

Everyday, every single day for the last year and 5 months, we've spoken.

 

And now this.

 

How am I suppose to feel?

 

They have a home phone. His mother and her husband have a home phone.

 

And I've called his cell. Nothing. Does he not care?

 

This just proves that I'm too dependent on him. I rely on him too much.

 

Why am I buying the plane tickets? I was going to get first class.

 

And then he makes little cracks about charging my wedding ring, on my credit card.

 

Or he'll say, if I'm in debt, we are both in debt.

 

It's scaring me. It really is.

 

Why should I have to work harder? Why should I have to plan more?

 

I don't want to get the plane tickets anymore. I don't.

 

Who knows if he's coming up here in December. Will he have a job out here in December? If not, maybe he needs to get one. Afterall he is the man, he's supposed to be the provider.

 

I want to be free. Free of all of the stress.

 

I want to get my ring. Why shouldn't I have it? But then he should buy it.

 

And I keep thinking, okay I take care of things now, and when he gets a good job, he'll take care of things.

 

But can I really rely on that? Will he do that?

 

I'm scared. Am I ready to get married? I love him, I love him so much. With all of my heart, without question.

 

I don't know how to be a wife. I have an idea, but that's about it.

 

It'll be a partnership.

 

What if he gets on my nerves? Then what? I'm scared.

 

I'm just scared.

 

I didn't like that club tonight.

 

I wonder what excuse my boyfriend will give for not calling me. What will it be....

 

Who cares, I don't. I'm not in a good mood right now.

 

I didn't like the club. I don't like clubs at all. And I thought about the rape while I was in there. And now I'm crying.

I just can't take that, I can't take all of this. I can't take it.

 

It's all so very much. I have to do so very much. I can't really ask my parents to be any more supportive.

 

I just remember how desperate I was at one point to get out of here. I seriously needed help. And my boyfriend wouldn't let me come stay with him.

 

Yet when I was suicidal after the rape, Sidney offered to fly down and get me. And then he said I could stay with him for as long as I wanted, and just not think of anything.

 

He knew me, and he loved me.

 

But my fiance, he wouldn't let me stay with him when I needed it the most.

 

What can I say to that?

 

But maybe I shouldn't worry. I mean could my life really get any worse? LOL!

 

If I marry him and he turns out to be different than I expected.....so what. I've overcome a lot, I don't think it'll be that bad.

 

I mean, how will it feel to know that everything in our apartment I paid for?

 

It won't feel very good, I know that.

 

Ahhhh!!!!

 

I feel so abandoned. Why doesn't he call me. I even left him a message asking why, and nothing. Absolutely nothing.

 

I think it's best that I brace for the worst. He has already called our wedding off once.

 

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[Gracelove]

HE BROKE UP WITH ME IN AN E-MAIL!!!

 

A YEAR AND A HALF, ALL OF THE TIME AND EFFORT.

 

I WAS IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T EXIST.

 

HE SAID HE LOVED ME EVERY SINGLE DAY. HE WAS SUCH A LIAR.

 

I WILL NEVER, EVER DATE A MAN AGAIN.

 

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, BUT HE ISN'T REAL. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH.

 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

 

MY LIFE IS NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL.

 

HE BROKE UP WITH ME IN AN E-MAIL. I'M NOT EVEN WORTH A PHONE CALL.

 

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[Gracelove]

Hey There Guys!!!

 

I'm okay this morning. I'm okay.

 

I still love Todd, I will always love him, but right now my attitude is............."screw you".

 

So ya, it's going to be all about Grace. All about Grace.

I'm getting that ring, I'm getting my diamond earrings, I'm getting my degree and I'm getting my house.

 

That's right. Self-sufficient. I'm still going to work, I'm still going to my interviews.

 

I've always put men above myself, always.

 

How many more times do I have to go through this before this before I learn my lesson? ZERO!

 

Grace is first. I'm beautiful, I'm ambitious, and I will no longer sit around twitiling my thumbs waiting to do the bidding of a man.

 

If he wants to come back, good luck!!!! He is going to have to be up to par.

 

I'm getting my new wardrobe, I am slimming down. I am doing everything for me.

 

I'm not going to sympathize with him any longer.

 

My wedding ring, if he wants to come back this way, he'll pay for it on his own.

 

And I won't settle for something cheap or chency, just to satisfy him.

 

K. and I are going to be hanging out a lot together.

 

It's all about me now. So world, look out.

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm hurting very badly inside. But I'm strong and I know that I'll make it through this.

 

To be quite honest, I don't think I'll ever be with a man again.

 

I'm going to be just like my friend K. I'm going to focus on my career.

 

I think it's important that I stay really busy.

 

I applied for a job (part-time) down the hill from my house today.

 

I really hope that I get it. I need to always been working. I can't have too much silent time.

 

Personally I am going to attempt to forget my now-ex.

 

I've already ripped up all pictures. I'm going to delete him from my phone.

 

That's it.

 

I won't allow myself to be screwed over by yet another man. Or I should say, I won't spend my life mourning over it.

 

I do love him. I love him with all of my heart. But he can never be trusted again.

 

All of those lies he told me.

 

I'm upset, naturally.

 

My therapist asked if I was in shock, and honestly I can't tell you.

 

But I do know that I can't talk about him much more after this.

 

I think that will only make things worse for me. I can't look back.

 

He's the past now.

 

Deep breath........

 

So how do I move past this? I have no clue, but I know that'll I'll be praying an awful lot. I really need strength.

 

I also need....oh wait, my best friend is on the phone, I've got to go.

 

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[Gracelove]

I've devastated, so devastated. I typed him a letter. It says exactly how I feel.

 

I have it sealed and stamped, but I don't think I should send it.

 

I love him, and I want him back. At the same time I want to yell at him and I feel that I can't trust him.

 

What am I to do?

 

I love him and I want him back. But he doesn't want me. He doesn't love me.

 

I'll wait, I'll wait for 4 weeks, I'll see what happens.

 

If I don't hear from him in 4 weeks I'm sending the letter I typed.

 

I want him back. I didn't do anything wrong. And he doesn't want me anymore.

 

I love him so much. Why is he doing this? He won't talk to me, not at all.

 

So cruel, after a year and a half.

 

I'm scared, because I know that after a certain period, I won't want him back. I just know it. And I don't want to be like that, but that is the way that I am.

 

I mean, when trust is broken, what else is left to sustain a relationship?

 

I love him, did he ever love me? Why did he do this?

 

I don't know. I would love to say that it doesn't matter, but it does. It matters to me.

 

I love him. I really love him.

 

He's a coward, but I love him. He is insensitive, but I love him. He's mean, cruel for doing this to me, but I love him.

 

What am I to do? Should I call him one more time? Is that wise? I don't want to talk to him. He has ruined us.

 

We rarely disagree about anything, we get along so well, and then all of this?

 

I hurt so badly inside. I should just curl up and cry. I have an interview tomorrow, possibly two.

 

I need help

 

All the planning everything.

 

I went to apply for a second job today, and I heard a lady behind me talking about her wedding, and it just tore me up inside.

 

I'm just not worthy. It's not going to happen for me. I'm so through.

 

I love this man, and he doesn't love me. Why did he lie all of this time?

 

I'm so through. I love him but I don't want to love him. I really don't. I want to forget his existence. He doesn't deserve the love I have for him. He doesn't deserve it.

 

I'm such an idiot. How did I end up here? I give and I give and I give, and to no avail. I'm heartbroken, but it goes beyond that. He doesn't care about me.

 

And we were counting down the months you know. He'd be like, "Only 5 more months baby, and we are going to be together! We are going to be married, I can't wait!" How could he be so cruel? Telling all of those lies?!

 

I just called. Do you know what I got?! A voicemail! His phone was on though. I hate him, I hate him so much.

 

Never again. I won't make this mistake again. I won't love someone like that again. I won't do that to myself. I won't allow it. It's over.

 

I'm through with that.

 

I just have to pull myself together. No more holding on to false hope. That's what I'm doing. Hoping this is all some how a misunderstanding. Hoping so many things.

 

I want to send the letter I wrote so badly. But then I'm afraid it'll be the final nail in the coffin. But the last nail is already in the coffin.

 

I've got to let go. I've got to trust God that everything will be okay.

 

I have to trust God.

 

At least God will never leave me. At least he always keeps his promises. That's my one comfort.

 

I, how do I comprehend all of this? How do I take it all in? How do I accept it?

 

And Tigger, my cat. I raised him, I spent the most time with him. I'll never see Tigger again.

 

This is unbelivable. I can't take this anymore, you know. It's so much, so much.

 

I mean, I really love him. I ripped up all pictures. I want to erase him. But how do you erase someone you love with all of your heart? How?

 

I still care about hurting his feelings, which is why I'm hesitant about sending the letter. I want to know what is going on. I want him to talk to me.

 

He won't even talk to me. I'm faithful, I love him, and this is what I get for it?

Just a mess. A complete mess. I'm so discouraged, and hurt, and everything.

 

He sucks. He really, really sucks.

 

 

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[Gracelove]

Good morning all!!!

 

I'm okay this morning! LOL! Don't be surprised if I go back and forth on this a lot.

 

Okay, last night I was writing in my journal and crying. And I decided to change the channel from "The Godfather".

 

So then, oh that's right, I changed it to this movie the Parent Trap.

 

As soon as the parent trap went off a minister came on T.V.

 

So of course, I wanted to change the channel, LOL! But I didn't, I was so sad and I was thinking, well maybe there is something there for me.

 

And of course there was. He even talked about relationships and marriage.

 

He was like, "Maybe you don't think that it's ever going to happen for you. Maybe you want to get married but you want to give up, etc. etc."

 

So of course I'm like, "Oh no!" LOL! Because this is the last thing I want to hear.

 

And he was talking about how you can't give up. And God completes what he starts. That person is out there for you.

 

He even gave an example in the bible, of someone who had to wait 20 years for their dream. LOL! Of course that's like, "WHAT?! 20 years?!!!"

I think it was abraham, waiting 20 years for a child.

But of course he didn't just use the relationship example, he talked about people and their kids also.

 

And he was talking about how you can't give up on your dreams, ever. You have to hold on to them until the end and believe that they will come true.

 

And I was thinking, "Why? After all of

this. Why can't I give up? Why can't I just write men off? Why do I have to hold on to this stupid dream of finding, "The one", when I've been so wrong?"

 

And then he made mention of laying a foundation, basically something to the effect of you laid a foundation and it's not for nothing.

 

And he elaborated on it.

 

So of course I was thinking...does this mean that our relationship isn't over? I laid a foundation, does this mean God will bring us back together and work everything out?

 

I know, LOL, I never stop.

 

So, I'm not going to think about that notion.

 

I have other dreams. I want to learn many languages and be a dancer.

 

So I've decided to put my energy into that.

 

And it's so funny because the minister on T.V., when he was about to go off...he was saying, "I feel someone's hope is restored".

I was thinking, "Well it's not me".

 

But it was.

 

And you know what? I feel a little bad about calling my boyfriend a fraud.

I mean he was there for me after the rape. I know it wasn't fake, it couldn't have been. Those were some very rough times.

 

But am I going to leave him a message telling him that? Hmmmmm, probably not. LOL!

 

That was justified anger, and it's how I truly felt at the moment.

So that's that.

 

And I won't harp on it for long, but I can't believe he had the nerve to ask me to be his best friend?!

 

Anywho, that's neither here nor there. The whole point of this, I conclude, is for me to learn to put myself first.

 

Before he broke up with me and after, sooo many people have told me, "Focus on you".

 

So I get that message, and I receive it.

 

On a brighter note, I'm getting my ring today!!!!! Dusty rose!

 

And of course I want to wear it on my ring finger, because as far as I'm concerned, I'm married to myself for the moment.

 

And you know what? I don't have to go looking for a guy, ever.

 

That is done with for me. Just because I'm not supposed to give up on the dream of meeting the one for me, it doesn't mean that I have to search for that person.

 

Life will be good for me, I just know it.

 

It hurts to lose someone you love, so suddenly and so drastically.

 

But maybe if I pray for him everyday, he won't be lost to me.

 

If I'm praying for him, it will remind me that he hasn't just vanished, he's still alive somewhere.

 

But then on the other hand, I don't want to think about him at all.

 

I'm sure I'll feel conflicted like this for a while, but hopefully not too long.

 

My mom wants to pray with me about my job interview.

 

I don't like praying with my mother, LOL. But I will. I love my mother, I just prefer to pray on my own.

I think you're most vunerable when praying because you're expressing how you feel to God.

 

And we all know that my mother is the last person I want to be vunerable in front of.

 

Anywho, I've got to get ready to do everything. Have money transfered, pick up a ring, and all of that good stuff.

 

And I want to say thank you most to you guys here at e not alone.

 

I see that people read my journal and it really makes me feel so good. Like people care, and understand what I'm going through. You guys are my friends. I know it sounds so weird to say that, but it's true.

When something happens I'm like, "I've got to go to e not alone!". LOL! It's just like when you have to tell something to a best friend.

 

Anywho, off I go to pray.

 

Thanks for listening!!!

~Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

Today is a good day. I'm calm I'm doing really well at work. I'm listening to my ipod. At first I was listening to Linkin Park now it's Evanescence.

 

Sidney e-mailed me, to check up on me. So that's nice, I'll call him later.

 

Yesterday this boy who used to hang in our circle, in college, called. Oh excuse me, he texted.

 

I haven't spoken with him a couple of years. When I received his text, and he eventually identified himself, I knew why he had contacted me.

 

That firey e-mail that I sent to all of my close friends, about the break-up, got out.

 

This guys name is Andre, but we all call him Dre. Dre had no idea I was dating anyone or getting married.

 

So naturally when he asked me questions, I knew where the texting was leading.

 

All of a sudden he started putting "babe" in the messages, he was referring to me mind you, LOL!

 

Men! There has been no communication between us for years, and yet he feels comfortable calling me "babe".

 

Anywho, after a while he comes right out and asks me if I'm getting married. Of course I know I never told him this and he shouldn't have this information, but I ignored that.

 

Anywho, to make a long story short I told him that I wasn't dating anymore. He said me if I was going to spend the rest of my life alone. I said, "No, I'll have my cats"

And he said, "Geeze Babe! Good luck with that."

 

And ya, so that's that.

 

What a mess. My girlfriends mean so much to me, they have really come through for me.

 

Bianca is the best girlfriend for breakup situations. Bianca and I were Christened (sp?) together when we were babies. We have our differences we are opposites, but the fact remains we will always be apart of each others lives. And that's that.

 

So no matter what happens she the best break-up friend. When I am on the verge of tears she will make me laugh to no end.

 

Now Bianca isn't very nice to me when things are going well in my life, but when things are going badly she is my best friend, LOL!!!

 

So when something is going really badly for me, men problems imparticular, she becomes soo happy! You can just hear the glee in her voice, and off she goes.

 

It's soooooo funny! So she doesn't know my boyfriend that well, so she can't harp on him like she did the others.

 

She can rip a person to shreds. By the time she gets through with my exs I'm celebrating the end of the relationship, LOL! And embarrassed I ever dated that person.

 

Anywho, she made me feel so much better.

 

At one point I was saying, "I want my cat back. Tigger is my cat. I paid for his vet bills, and I took care of him, etc.etc.". I was like, "I should hop on a plane, fly down to his apartment, get my cat and fly back, LOL!" Fantazising(sp?) right?

 

She's like, "Girl! You need to barbeque that cat and send him the charred remains!".

 

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe that?! She had me dying. I already know Bianca doesn't like cats so I should have predicted that she might say something off the wall. But I was laughing forever off of that one.

 

Anyways, she said hella more funny stuff. So I felt much better after that.

 

Then Courtney, and K., and my best friend Shayla called me. I felt so much better. All of my close friends just surrounding me, and encouraging me, it made me feel so much better.

 

So ya, painful, this whole thing is painful. But I'm okay. It will be alright.

 

You know, I believe Todd and I will get back together. I really believe with everything in me, we were meant to be together.

 

But when I take him back I'll make him suffer for it a little bit.

 

Do you see how complicated this is? His mother is off the charts. Then there are my friends, once someone violates me or hurts, me my friends never forget or forgive it.

 

So, do I want to spend the rest of my life dealing with his crazy mother? Do I really have a choice?

And my friends, I love them so much and they love me. Will they ever except him after this? No, I already know that they won't.

 

When my cousin's husband treated her really badly, did I ever begin to accept him? No. Do I trust him with her? No. Will that ever change? Probably not. Because I believe that is who he is, and he is not nearly good enough for her.

 

So now, I'll be in my cousin's position, what goes around comes around.

 

Anywho, I've never been with a man before who didn't try to be with me again. I've broken up with a few and a few have broken up with me. But they always want to come back.

 

That is why I was so insulted that my now-ex asked if we could be best friends. I know what that is all about. He wants to put me on hold. He wants to make everything about him, and have me there as a back up.

 

That's what makes me angry about that.

 

I love him with all of my heart. And I know that he loves me to. And I'm going to let that fraudulent wench A.K.A., his mother, take him away from me.

 

It's not going to happen. I've made up my mind.

 

So he can have his space. And I'll have mine. I'll become an interpreter and a dancer. I'm going to transform myself.

 

I already have appointments with my trainer this week.

 

He's going to regret that he ever broke up with me in an e-mail, I know that for sure.

 

I'm a beautiful woman, and I have a great heart. I know that. And I can fight for what I want. I'm not going to slink away beaten and heart-broken. Not anymore. I'm tired of all of this, that's done now.

 

And I will spend my time time thinking of his punishment. For starters, I'm looking for a $20,000 wedding ring.

 

And things are going to change. I'm not catering to his each and every single need anymore. That's done. I'm not lowering my standards to satisfy his wallet. He's got to do for me what I would do for myself or better. I give him nothing but quality. And he has been slacking.

 

Why do marriages and family life have to be so complicated. Every family has got issues, then those two families become one. Talk about a headache.

Now I have a mother-in-law I have to pretent to be nice to, even thought I don't like her.

 

He is her only son and she's got him wrapped around her little finger. But I am going to unwrap him from around her finger and wrap him around mine.

This is war!

 

She has got some nerve.

 

 

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I think it's starting to sink in unfortunately.

 

My friend Sidney called. The people we know, don't talk to Dre, so it's amazing how he know about the break-up. It's a mystery.

 

I don't care though. I'm so tired. I'm sad. Sometimes I'm okay and sometimes I not.

 

I never knew him.

 

These are not the actions of the man I know and love.

 

If his voice changes in the slightest bit, I worry about him, I coddle up, I want to know what is wrong.

 

But when I was calling him, leaving messages, and crying my eyes out, there was no response.

 

He has no heart.

 

How can he be like that? How? I love him so much. How can he use me like that?

 

I don't understand it. He won't even talk to me. Although I've only called him 3 times since receiving the e-mail.

 

How could he be so cruel? He doesn't care about me at all?

 

It's pointless to call him while he's at his mother's. Even when he gets back home I won't call him.

 

But I think that after a few weeks, he'll call me. And I think that by then I will be so disgusted with him that I won't want to hear him speak.

 

A cruel bastard. That's how I feel. No true explanation. Just a bunch of B.S.

 

No heart, and to think that he wants us to be friends?

 

How hurtful.

 

I trusted him with everything, with me, and this is what I get.

 

Why? No why? Never any answers. They just do what they want and leave.

 

No respect for the feelings or well-being of others.

 

I'm so through. My mother says that I shouldn't say it's over.

 

But how could I even want him back.

 

I have respect for myself, I love myself, how could I ever openly accept someone who has hurt me so deeply?

 

How could I trust him. He runs away, wants no responsibility. I won't trust him again. He has lost that. He has lost me.

 

How am I going to make it. It's always shock, initially.

 

When the shock wears off is when the hell usually begins.

 

I'm so tired.

 

I love him so much. I really do. How could he? Such a coward. He's such a coward.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Okay, well....it has been a day.

 

I'm so grateful for God. I've been through so very much, but I realize, that after going through so very much....my recovery time becomes shorter and shorter.

 

I'm happy, and very grateful.

 

All of my friends have embraced me, and I've felt so very loved.

 

It's cruel what my ex has done. I don't know even know who he really is. I think he has probably done many dishonest things over the course of our relationship.

I've been able to reflect on the times his behavior has seemed strange.

 

Yet I still love him. I love him so much. But I won't be with him any longer.

 

And I'm so grateful to God because I feel a certain amount of peace. It's unexplainable, aside from the fact that God is protecting me, loving me.

 

It's nice.

 

I honestly thought that I would completely lose it if my boyfriend left me. That I would commit suicide because I'd be in so much pain.

 

But I've had so much help, and it just makes me cry to think of it. I had no idea I was so loved.

 

My girlfriends are so wonderful to me. And so are my guy friends.

 

I feel okay. I have my moments where I cry. It's hard being rejected by someone you love so much.

 

He won't talk to me, not at all. I want to talk to him. I want to hear what he has to say. I want to hear his voice.

 

I think still being in love with him...it helps. I love him so much, and I'm not ashamed.

 

However, I won't allow him to use me, or mistreat me. I won't put him first anymore.

 

I'm furious with him also, I'm angry at times. And I've been through enough to know that it's natural and okay to be angry.

 

My anger is justified.

 

I've called him just about every name in the book, LOL! I'm sooooooooooooooo angry with him sometimes, furious.

 

But I love him so much. I didn't know it was possible to feel two such strong emotions, LOL!

 

I'm not completely naive. I am aware of the possibility that I am still in shock.

 

Afterall, it is shocking.

 

If a friend was in my position, I'd be horrified. But I'm in my position, and although it's hurtful, it's not that bad.

 

I've overcome worse.

 

He's the love of my life, and he dumped me.

 

However I know my value. I'll go on living, improving myself.

 

I don't intend on getting back with him at all.

 

That's so weird for me. In the past I've wanted to be with the person I love.

 

But not this time. There are things that lead me to believe it was mostly an illusion.

 

We weren't as compatible as I'd like to believe.

 

Oh well, what can I do.

 

I started crying at work today. I couldn't believe it. But I didn't run to the bathroom to hide, or take the rest of the day off.

 

I let the tears come, and I wiped them away. I composed myself. It was really hard, but luckly no one really came in the office during the worst parts.

 

I may need to go to my room now. Just thinking about it is making me teary-eyed.

 

Last night I dreamed about Tigger, LOL! I dreamed that I flew to my boyfriend's apartment in Alabama.

While he was asleep and was out, I called Tigger and he came running to me.

 

My whole dream was about returning to California with Tigger. I was happy during the whole trip.

 

I love that cat so very much. And it breaks my heart that he's living the way he is. That's another reason why I couldn't wait for my boyfriend to come out here.

 

Tigger is neglected. He's alone in an apartment all day and doesn't get to go outside.

When my boyfriend comes home, he'll play with him for 20 minutes before locking him out of his room.

 

It's not healthy.

 

I used to convince him to let Tigger sleep with him in his room at night. I used to tell him that it wasn't right for him to leave him alone all day like that.

 

I don't know.

 

I think I'll send him an e-mail asking him to get another cat.

 

I seriously believe that my ex has a new girlfriend.

 

I really hope she likes cats. I thought about calling the Humane Society, and having them keep an eye out for Tigger.

Just in case, my boyfriend drops him off.

 

So traumatic you know. So close to a dream. So much going on.

 

It's overwhelming sometimes.

 

Um........anyways, I think I'll e-mail him and ask him to get Tigger a playmate.

 

I think I'll do that now.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I am exhausted. Absolutely spent. Just, done.

I don't know what to do.

 

I don't know if I should stay at work really late today, or if I should go home.

 

If I go home, I'll probably just lay down and cry.

 

Last night I almost sent my boyfriend a text message telling him the I love him.

I always want to ease his pain. And I don't know how he's doing.

 

But then I was like, "Grace, are you crazy?! Don't send him a text, let him suffer!"

 

So ya, that's what I did.

 

I know he'll regret his decision. Every boyfriend I have ever had has always tried to get me back (whether I dumped them or they dumped me).

 

I love him so much, but I won't take this, any of it.

 

I blocked his e-mail addresses, so he can't contact me via e-mail.

 

I think I might be in shock.

 

But I've been looking forward to work-outs. I think working out will be my new addiction. It's a lot of hard work, occupies your mind, and I like feeling the aching muscles. Weird huh?

 

Oh well, I'm in a weird place right now.

 

On a brighter note, I have my ring. My diamond and Dusty-rose sapphire ring.

 

And it sits on my ring finger, I am married to myself.

 

That's what I've decided.

 

I don't know, I felt a little down after coming back from a certain part of the site. It was depressing out there.

 

Yesterday I had to transport hazardous chemicals in the trunk of my car. Not fun, espicially since those chemicals were the cause of an explosion earlier on in the day.

 

They ran tests and have no idea what caused the explosion, so there I was carrying this crap in my car, LOL!

 

Shows you how I was feeling yesterday, because I really didn't care.

 

And in rush-hour traffic too. I was thinking, I don't want that stuff to heat up.

 

Oh well, I'm just absolutely exhausted. I feel there is nothing I can do about it.

 

I think I'm just going to go home. I'm so tired.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I can't talk to him, so I'll just write him letters here.

 

Hey There Todd,

 

It's me. I received a brochere(sp?) in the mail today. "Italy" is in big letters on the front. We were going to go there for our honeymoon remember?

 

The picture on the front is absolutely beautiful. And in the bottom left hand corner of the cover page it says, "Save up to $400 per couple..."

 

It's hard to believe that we aren't a couple anymore, there were so many plans.

 

Our rings, our own place, traveling, going to the park with our babies (Aliana and Tigger).

 

I researched all of the places we could go on our weekend day trips.

 

A lot of my married co-workers take weekend trips to LA, wouldn't that have been nice. I was hoping we would do that.

 

I went to IKEA the other day. Remember those pretty green glasses? We had them during Christmas time. There was one for you and one for me, remember?

 

Well I went and bought 8 of those glasses.

I also bought some really nice cookware.

 

And another cookbook, LOL! I have so many recipes that we could go months without having the same thing twice.

 

I didn't tell you, but I was going to get us Egyptian Cotton sheets 1200 count. I was so excited, they say it feels like silk.

 

And I picked out a beautiful couch.

 

Remember the art-work e-mail I sent you? I was going to review the ones you said you liked.

 

And then I saw this Cashmere robe I thought you'd like. I was going to have your last name sown onto it.

 

And then, for Christmas I was going to get you a new digtal camera, and a Movado watch for your graduation present.

 

I had a whole entire folder full of gifts I was going to buy you.

 

I was thinking of surprising you with new clothes. I wanted the closet to have new shoes and new dress shirts. But then I wasn't sure if you'd gained or lost weight, so I was just going to get you a gift card.

 

And I couldn't wait until you got your new job. I thought it'd be best to drive there prior to your first day of work. Just so that you won't get lost, all of the freeways can be confusing.

 

I knew you would get such a good job. I was going to shop your resume around. Since you're in business it'll be so easy for you to get a job out here.

 

Also we know a lot of successful professionals. Since we'd be married they wouldn't mind giving or finding you a job. All of those favors I could have asked for myself, I was saving to ask for you.

 

I don't know, there were so many things I wanted to do for you.

But now that I'm writing it out.....maybe it was too much.

 

Maybe you didn't feel comfortable with me giving so much.

 

But I don't ever remember you saying anything about it. It never seemed like an issue...was it? Was there a time where you told me you weren't comfortable with it? I don't remember.

 

Remember how I used to wait for you to get home from work?! I would be soooo excited to see you! And I'd cook dinner, and we'd eat and watch t.v.

 

I miss you so much. You have no idea how much I love you. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you. I always wanted you to have nothing but the best.

 

Remember when I wanted to put you in that really nice apartment? Remember I said I'd pay for it. I really wanted you to be someplace nice.

 

That's why I paid for the hotel for us also. I could have stayed with my aunt and uncle, but what would have been the point? I loved you and I wanted to be with you.

 

When I had to leave and your place still wasn't ready, it really hurt. That's why I paid for those extra days, I didn't want to leave you in a mess. I was worried about you.

 

I love you so much. I was in so much pain when I had to leave that last time. It was devastating.

 

That's why I didn't want you to come visit me in July.

And then you went to see your mother instead.

 

Was it my fault? Should I have let you come? You said you really wanted to see me, maybe I should have listened.

 

I just didn't want the heartache. I wanted to wait until I could have you for good, not have to say goodbye again.

 

Christmas was going to be such a beautiful time, I was going to make sure of it.

 

I was going to do so much.

 

And your ring! I found your ring, it's gorgeous! It's a Hearts on Fire ring. It's completely different from anything they have on their website. It's perfect for you, you would absolutely love it.

 

Ooo, and I saw this really thick cashmere sweater a while back. I think it was in Nordstroms. I was going to get you on for Christmas, you would look sooo good in it.

 

You're so beautiful.

 

LOL! Yesterday I was talking to Bianca and she was saying we made a cute couple.

 

Everyone said that. We are both happy, young, and attractive.

 

We were blessed. Blessed to have each other.

 

I don't know what happened.

 

I don't know. You wanted to come to California so badly, at least that's what you said.

 

Did you just say that because you didn't want me to come back down there.

 

Don't you love me? I thought that you did. I never doubted it.

 

But you can't love me if you're doing this.

Are you doing this for your mother? To please her?

 

I know you love her, even though she hasn't done very much for you. You said your grandparents took care of you.

 

I never stopped to think about how hard that must have been for you. They took care of you and both of them have passed.

 

I guess it's only natural that you'd want to be close to your real mother.

 

I love you so much, you know that don't you? With all of my heart. I know you know it.

What would make you not talk to me? To just cut me off like that?

Was I that deceived? I really didn't think you were toying with me.

 

Maybe I was wrong.

 

Remember when you took me to meet your family? You told me I was the first one that you took to meet them.

 

We had only been together for a month or two.

 

Remember when we stayed in the hotel? My body was soooooooooo nice back then, LOL! And I wore that Victoria Secret lingere.

 

Oh my gosh! I remember that pill you gave me? That orange pill, what was it? I don't think it was a caffiene pill. Remember how wild and crazy it made me, LOL!

 

That was fun. And remember when I spilled that tea in the lobby, LOL! And the way that guy looked at me?! Sooo funny!

 

Oh and remember how we went to Burger King right afterwards.

 

So funny! So many memories.

 

And remember that place we went to, near the water, after you took me to see that horrible movie (the hills have eyes).

 

Remember how you were like, "Oh don't worry I'm sure the movie won't be that scary". Right after you said that a girl sat down right in front of us, LOL! The one that worked at the theater, and she was like, "Oh my gosh, this movie is soooo scary! I couldn't even watch it all at once. I had to leave and come back".

 

LOL!!! That was so funny.

 

Oh and remember when we went to see "Walk the line". And I asked you if I could wear your cross because I wanted something of yours that I could wear everyday.

 

And then I went out and bought you another cross.

 

You look so good in your cross.

 

Oh, and remember that night those guys tried to break into your apartment? And how we had to go out and buy something to seal up your window the next day.

 

LOL! That was so horrible, I mean it looks horrible, LOL!

 

But we had sooo much fun together.

 

And remember that time when it was raining and you were washing clothes, and "Everybody hates Chris" was on? I had never seen that show before that day.

 

Todd I love you sooooo much, with everything in me.

 

I don't know what's going on. And I'm angry with you, but I'm worried for you at the same time.

 

This is not the Todd I know.

 

Oh my gosh, I remember that time I had a dream about you being with a girl at your job?

 

It worried me. Maybe you were with another girl and somehow I picked up on it.

 

But I trusted you, I wouldn't doubt you.

 

And then I called your job that time, and that girl picked up. You hung up so quickly, without saying that you love me, and then you asked me not to call your job again.

 

When you told me it was your boss I believed you. Although your boss is a much older woman, and that voice sounded so young.

 

And then you say your boss is short with people, doesn't have time to listen to people, always on the go. And the girl on that phone sounded so happy, gleeful and pleasant.

 

Come to think of it, in the past, you've never mentioned your boss coming to your desk. You always went to her office.

 

I can't believe I fell for that lie, so obvious.

 

Is it that girl from my school you were telling me about? I bet it is.

 

I still love you, but I can't be with you. I want to, I do, but I can't. Because I can't trust you, and I'm angry with you.

 

And I know you'll call, but I have to be strong. When that time comes I can't answer you. I can't answer your call.

And I love you so much, so it'll be hard.

 

And I want answers, but I can't trust you to give me the truth.

 

And you act like I was pressuring you into marriage. Did you forget that you asked me to marry you?

 

I never wanted to pressure you into anything, I just wanted to be with you.

 

But you said you didn't want to live together if we weren't married. And you said you wanted to live together in California.

 

Remember, I thought we were getting married in 2009, after you cancelled the first time. You said that's when you wanted to get married, but then you changed it.

 

Just like you didn't want to have sex. So I had my mind set on not having sex with you, and then you changed your mind and I complied.

 

See, it always works that way. You make the rules, change your mind, and I always follow your lead.

 

But I won't do it this time. You decided to dump me in an e-mail, you're deciding not to talk to me. So when you change your mind, this time I won't follow your lead.

I can't let you make all of the decisions all of the time. I can't jump when you say "jump".

 

I won't cater to your every need anymore. I won't do it.

 

I pray for you still, that God will bless you and keep you safe. Because I love you.

 

But I can't give in to you again, my heart won't allow it.

And I'll just trust that God will take care of you for me.

 

You were the man of my dreams, the one I was suppose to be with. But every man has free will, and you are choosing a different path.

 

And I'm going my own way as well. As much as I'll want to take you back, and embrace you, and tell you how much I love you, I won't.

 

I have to be strong. God has given me strength.

 

I said I wouldn't put another man before myself again. I have my own dreams to accomplish and fulfill.

 

Maybe in the future we'll be together, and maybe we won't.

 

I love you so much. I really do, and I don't want you to hurt, even now.

 

And I know you'll hurt, it'll hurt when I don't answer the phone....but it's not because I don't love you, I love you no less, it's just what must be done.

 

I had a lesson to learn, and I've learned it. Everything is a test you know. If you keep failing the same tests, you'll never move on to something greater.

 

It's a hard lesson to learn, but I have to walk away, I have to be strong.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

To Todd

 

Hey There Honey Bunny! How's it going? I hope it's all good.

 

Well, it's great you've decided to stay in Alabama, just fabulous actually.

 

Wow! That'll be great.

 

Another great thing is that when I take my vacation overseas this year, I'll be able to go where I want to go.

 

Like Spain, I love Spain! And I'm going to Spain to visit my sister and have fun with all of those hot, sexy Spanish men.

When I was there last time they all seemed to like me pretty well.

 

Gosh, now that you're gone there are all sorts of things I'm going to do with my money.

 

Um, let's see. Well for starters, I'm going to continue to buy myself all of the jewelry that you appearently couldn't afford to buy me.

 

Um, let's see, what else. Well I'll be taking up the habit of traveling the world. Isn't that great!

I tell you, you haven't lived until you've spent time in Europe.

 

I really don't like Paris too much, but I was going to go back, just for you. Oh well.

 

Okay, let's see what else? Well, first it'll be the jewelry, then the clothes, then the car........I'm trying to decide whether it'll be a Lexus or Mercedes.

 

Oh, and another thing. This break up has sent me back to the gym, so ya, thank you for that too.

As a matter of fact I have an appointment at 6:00am this morning.

 

Man, I tell you, remember how sexy I was?! Too bad you won't be getting any of that again.

 

Good luck finding another woman that loves you as much as I did. Could luck finding another woman who will give you multiple blow jobs on a daily basis. The luck finding another intelligent, drop dead gorgeous women........that will actually be interested in you. Oooooo, that'll be a tough one.

 

But it's not like I can complain, because of you, I really like sex now. Actually I love it, I'm sure my next man will appreciate you for it.

 

After the jewels, clothes, car, trips........that's right I'll be getting a house.

 

A gorgeous home, absolutely beautiful home. Humm, I think I'll get one in my own neighborhood. One with a view of the whole city.

 

When I wake up in the morning, after a great night of sex on my Egyptian cotton sheets, I'll enjoy looking out over the entire city before getting ready for work.

 

Gosh, it turns out that this break up is the best thing that could ever happen to me actually.

 

If you only knew how much money I've spent on all the men I've been with in the past, ridiculous.

 

But now, I'll be with men who will be spending money on me.

 

You know that I don't flirt when I'm in a relationship. Can you believe that? I'm completely committed.

 

Thank you for setting me free. I'll need to use all of my assests to get as far as I can go in this life.

 

I think I'd miss out on too many opportunities being tied down to you.

 

I'm beautiful, I know that. And I'm going to use that beauty combined with my brains, to get me any and everything I want in this life.

And you're not coming along for the ride.

 

You reallllly screwed up. You're going to see a side of Grace that you've never seen before.

 

It's too bad you don't have the numbers of my exes. They would tell you. You can do any and everything to get me back, but it won't work.

 

Once you screw over me really badly, coming back is an impossibility.

 

So ya, LOL! Thanks for letting me go. I'm free.

 

Now when I become an interpreter I can go to D.C., where a lot of my other friends are. Can't wait.

 

I was going to stay out here in California, be a translator in a hospital. But now I'll shoot for the stars.

 

With my Ivy league degree everything should work out just fine.

 

Ya, you heard me right, I'm going to that wonderful school up the way. LOL!

 

I feel so sorry for you actually, LOL! My life is looking more appealing by the minute, whereas yours looks pretty crappy.

 

Too bad. See I have the help of my family, and all of those family friends.

 

Who do you have? What does your family do for you.

 

Now that you've left, my family is going to let me stay here. That's right, I'll be staying here in the gorgeous house with a view. I'll be here working, saving, and letting my money rack up.

 

I tell you, life is so grand.

 

All of that money.....I'm happy about that.

 

Oh ya, and that's another thing! After my last trip to see you, I became an avid saver! So ya, thank you for that.

 

And I'll be making investments also.

 

You know what, I think I'll make my trip to Europe a 3 weeks vacation. I'll include Italy on that trip, hey maybe I'll send you a postcard.

 

Ooo, and all that time I spent planning for our future is time I'll spend learning all those languages I've been wanting to learn.

 

Have a nice life you poor, pityful fool.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Exhausted, that says it in a word.

I just took a 2hour nap in my car, LOL!

 

Went to the gym at 3:45am and worked my butt of on that eliptical machine for a good 45 minutes. Then I returned at 6am to train with my trainer.

 

Are all men idiots? I mean do all of them screw up really badly at one point or another?

 

Should I take my boyfriend back and just punish him?

 

Don't get me wrong though, I'm changing none of my plans.

 

I like my plans a lot, and now I have no obligations.

 

Work, save, buy clothes, look cute, second degree, nice car....it all sounding pretty nice to me.

 

When I get mad, I get really mad. I like the thought of just totally discarding him.

 

But would it be wise? If he grows the balls to approach me, should I give him another chance?

 

I won't be his girlfriend, but I'll be his "friend". I'll visit him if he sends me a non-stop, round-trip ticket to see him.

 

I already know what I'll do, if I choose to keep him.

 

I'll be the nicest little person in the world. We'll have an absolute ball! No sex! No kissing! Only a hug when coming and leaving.

 

We'll have a jolly good time, then I'll be off to California to chill with other men.

 

I really like that plan.

 

That'll be like really rubbing it in his face, torturing him you know.

 

Like, "This is what you could have had".

 

Yes, I think that's smart.

 

Now.....hum......how long should I make him wait before returning his calls? A month? 2 months?

 

Oh, I know! A month longer than it takes for him to contact me the first time.

 

Okay, well, I'm off to work again.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

This man is making me sick.

 

I'm so exhausted for no reason. I miss Tigger. I have a picture on him on my computer, it has been there for months.

 

It's not fair. I just lost Amber, now Tigger.

 

It's okay, I'm strong, but this is hard. I feel nauseous(sp?). It's awful.

 

But I'm addicted to exercise now. It's the only way I can vent my frustrations. Just wear out my body so I can go home and fall out.

 

It's not fair, none of this is.

 

I mean, I know it's best for me that we aren't together.

And "all things work together for the good of those that love the Lord".

 

I truly believe that, but that doesn't mean that it's not tough, not painful.

 

I can't even describe the way I feel right now.

 

Mentally, I can handle it. It's the physical side-effects that I'm struggling with.

 

My body feels completely drained. It doesn't make any sense.

 

I don't understand how my ex could be so cruel though.

 

An e-mail, that's so harsh. It would have been difficult regardless, but the e-mail thing made it 10 times harder to deal with.

 

I think I should go to the restroom.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I'm listening to Hemmorage by Fuel.

 

Todd

 

You're a bastard, always will be. You ruined our relationship.

Our relationship was so perfect. We always had so much fun, never fought.

 

I'm angry with you. And when you call I'll be even more angry with you.

You ruined us, and over what?

 

You ruined us, and I'm so angry with you. I won't take you back. I can't subject myself to this ever again.

 

Both of our lives....now we'll both suffer.

How do you feel about that?

 

There is no chance for redemption. It's a ashame that we'll both have to be in so much pain over your stupid mistake.

 

I'm so upset by this whole thing.

 

My mother was giving me advice. But can I even take it.

 

I know you're so stupid for what you did, but why should I take you back, why should I have to. You are such a jerk.

 

I know you're crying right now, and you deserve it, you deserve it all. I have no sympathy for you anymore.

 

You disgust me on a certain level. You are so stupid!

 

We had everything, everything, and you through it all away.

 

Now we're both losers, but your the biggest loser.

 

I'll lose out, because I've lost you, the love of my life.

You're a loser because it's all your fault. And you'll have to live with it.

 

All of my relationships were much easier to get over.

 

I dislike you so much right now. My new nickname for you is little f***er. That's your new name. You ruined us, what do you have to say for yourself, huh?

 

You're going to spend the rest of your life eating junk food because you can't cook for yourself. You're going to die young.

 

I wanted to cook for you everyday, take care of you, keep you healthy.

Such a shame.

 

You don't even know how badly you've hurt me, worst of all is that you don't even care.

 

I don't even care that you're with another girl. Can you believe it? I'm so shocked at the way you dumped me that I don't even care what you're doing and who you're doing it with.

 

I know that regardless you'll be disatisfied, because no know will ever love you the way I loved you.

 

Although I know I'll find a man who love me as much as you do, only he'll do much more for me.

 

Money never mattered, it never mattered, but now it will. I'm going to be with a man who will spoil me the way I spoiled you.

 

You're so stupid. Do you know how stupid you are? You made such a horrible mistake, and now I have to respond to it.

 

It sucks for me. When you call, I want to pick up the phone, but I won't. Because what you did was totally unacceptable, and I won't be able to look at myself in the mirror in the morning if I let it slide.

 

You just had to go there. You just had to do this to me. You're so heartless. Totally unacceptable.

 

Now what? You ruined it, why did you have to do it?

 

You really suck, you're all alone now. And I can't be there for you because of your dumb-a** mistake.

 

I'm so angry with you!!! Sooooooo angry!

 

What happened to "forever"? You were so adamant(sp?) about "forever". What changed in two days?

 

You talked about girls cheating on you, I never did that. Totally faithful to you and all of the others.

 

You deserve whatever you get, but I don't deserve this.

 

I don't deserve to be in love with a jack***. I don't deserve that. I don't. You don't deserve my heart, but you have it anyways. I can't stand you.

 

Don't call me, although I know you will. You're so stupid.

 

Sunday morning...it will have been a whole week.

 

You really suck. You really, really do. You told soooooo many lies. How could you do it? How could you look me in my eyes and lie like that? We are through. We are so though.

 

I don't like you anymore. I love you but I can't stand you.

 

I'll pray that the love I have for you will die with time.

 

We had known each other a week when you sent me that text message telling me I was "the one". And I believed you. I believe you, like an idiot, you F***ing jerk.

 

Charging stuff on my credit card, taking out another girl. You're so stupid.

 

You're not strong enough to handle me anyways. If you have to break up with me in an e-mail after almost a year and a half, then you have no balls. You're such a coward, such a coward.

 

I wish we could work it out, I wish we could be together, but we can't. You never cared for me, never.

 

You're so heartless, how could you. I was devastated, I've never cried like that before in my life.

 

I hate you. No worse, I wish I hated you but I can't.

 

You suck, you bastard.

 

I'm going to enjoying f***ing someone else. You're never getting any again.

 

I can't believe you asked me to be your best friend. You were hoping I'd be that friend with benefits. LOL! You f***ing bastard, you don't deserve me.

 

I hate you. You suck.

 

I hope Tigger bites the hell out of you when you get home. I hope he breaks all of your dishes. And you better not put him in a cage either.

 

You are so mean to that cat. What's wrong with you?! He's so sweet, and you just don't treat him well at all. You don't deserve him.

 

I don't love you anymore. You're....you're cold.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

"....Give me something to believe in, 'cause I don't believe in you anymore, anymore....so this is goodbye....but I don't believe it's true anymore, anymore....I've been here before, one day I'll wake up and it won't hurt anymore......"

 

~Makes me Wonder

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Maybe I need some alcohol this weekend....

 

 

 

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[Gracelove]

The "Bourne Ultimatium" is awesome!!!!!! I absolutely loved it! I knew it would be so great, but I didn't know it would be the best one.

 

I was reading the bible today, and naturally I ended up opening to a place where it talks about love.

 

So love can survive any adversity. But love can also be quenched, which I didn't know.

Love can be quenched through sinful acts.

 

And love must be nutured in order to survive. Isn't that something.

 

I'm done with my boyfriend, he's over. There is no excuse for what he is putting me through. No explanation will be acceptable enough.

 

Isn't it sad that I feel a little guilty moving on?

 

Oh well.

 

I'm listening to Alanis, which is always helpful. I'm looking forward to being that strong beautiful woman again.

 

My trainer is kicking my butt, so I know I'll be rock hard sometime in the near future.

 

I'm a little sleepy, but I'm restless.

 

Since the rape I've had stomach problems. I'm often nauseated, it really sucks.

 

I just pray that stress doesn't breed illness in my body. I want to live a long time, despite all of the things that have happened in my life thus far.

 

I was thinking of taking Tae Kwando again. I was a black belt candidate before leaving for college.

 

I still have my belt, so I can pick up where I left off. But I don't want too. I want to start over. I'm sure there are so many new things out there to learn.

 

I still remember so very much, how to break bones, disable weapons, etc. etc.

 

I think Tae Kwando would put a smile on my face. Kicking the crap out of things and punching things could be really helpful.

 

And when I'm working with my partners I can pretend that it's my ex, or my rapist, LOL!

 

It's so great! I loved having partners. Usually my partners were men.

 

So, when you have a partner, you go all out on them, you really try to hurt them. But you've got to be really alert, because if they tap out that means they are really in pain, so you've got to release them.

 

Of course the men try to wait before tapping out, pride you know.

 

LOL!!!! It was soooo funny because people can always tell if you're angry.

 

And I never wanted anyone to know when my birthday was.

 

Because on your birthday (if you're in class) everyone in the class grabs these bamboo sticks. And they form two lines. And you have to run inbetween the two lines while people whack you as hard as they possibly can.

 

I got away with it soooo many times (years), but one day they caught me on my birthday.

 

I ran like hell, LOL!!!!! I don't think they were expecting it. But someone got me on my a** really good, LOL!!!

 

Whew! Those were the days, LOL!

 

I'm definitely going back, I need to beat the crap out of something or someone.

 

But then you know there is always close physical contact. It's uncomfortable, but you feel better when you can pick up a huge bamboo stick and swing it at someone as hard as you can.

 

Gosh, and the push-ups were horrible!!!

 

When you got to a certain level absolutely no one was allowed to mess up.

 

If someone messed up the whole class had to drop and do 100 push-ups. And you had 3 minutes tops to do these push-ups, talk about torture.

 

Hell, I never messed up. I didn't want the whole class angry with me.

 

The worst part though, is if you end up with a teacher who likes you.

 

All of my teachers were like older brothers to me. But then one day a black belt came in, and he was my age. I really liked him because he was cute. But when I found out he was 2 years younger than me, I was no longer interested.

 

So he was upset with me for not being attracted to him anymore. And he made it his mission to make my life hell.

 

I hated it.

 

 

He made me do stuff over and over again, and made up stupid rules about having to look into his eyes. That bastard.

 

I'm like, If I'm doing a back-kick to your head, and am hitting the freakin target, why the hell do I have to look you in the eyes.

 

Then he was like, anyone who didn't look him in the eyes would have to do 100 pushups, LOL!

You know I was always doing push-ups, there was no way in hell I was going to let him order me around.

 

He used to get on my nerves. All of my other instructors were 2+ degrees higher than him and they always complimented me on my power and technique.

 

See why I don't like men?

 

And then my instructor, the one that's like a brother. Well he purposely walked in on me in the bathroom twice.

 

Once when I was 11 then when I was 13. Weird huh.

 

He knew I was in there, he excused me to the bathroom and then watched me walk in.

 

Men, what can you say?

 

I'm tired of men. I'm tired of them messing over me, using me, discarding me, abusing me....I'm just tired of it all.

 

I won't let them beat me. I won't let them touch me. I won't let them interfere with my future.

Maybe one day I'll use them for a change.

 

Men, who needs them? From now on all of my men are going to come in a box with batteries included.

 

And when I get my home, I'm getting a big-a** German Shepard.

 

 

The people in the neighborhood accross the way get good money to train pure-bred German Shepards.

 

The Doctors that live accross from us (they have two huge-a** homes, side by side)....anyway, they had the sweetest German Shepard.

 

I swear, that dog would be your best friend....that is until he got behind the gate.

I tell you, he would rip your a** to shreads as if he never knew you.

 

That's what I need, a trained killer.

 

And I'm heading to the shooting range. I'm an expert with a sniper rifle, you know the kind with the scope. I hit the target every time. Talk about an immediately confidence booster, LOL! Nothing like hitting that bulls eye to lift your spirits.

 

I think I'll turn myself into a killing machine. Not that I want to kill anyone, but if anyone means me harm I think I should be able to take out every last one of my frustrations on them.

 

You know, like if a man tries to get fresh with me, or someone tries to break into my home.

 

Or, if I have another stalker, I'll make his legs my target practice.

 

Ya, I think that's a great idea.

 

I'm already addicted to exercise, I'll do it tomorrow too. Go and run my a** off until I'm so exhausted I can't think straight.

 

It's quite weird to spend a year and a half loving someone, just to be dropped like a bag of garbage.

 

It's weird, one e-mail then no calls, nothing. It's so bizarre.

 

That's okay, I can forgive him, but I don't have to forget.

 

And I don't care what anyone says, a man who is able to do that is not a man that I want in my life.

 

It's not wrong for me to dump him the way he dumped me.

 

I'm going to make sure that I don't feel guilty for not answering his calls, when he calls.

 

So ya, I'm not allowed to feel guilty when the time comes.

 

I think I need to beat the crap out of something.

 

One time, my old therapist told me to get a bunch of pillows and beat the hell out of them with a racket! LOL! That was so funny to me.

 

It felt good to hear her suggest ways to release anger.

 

So ya, should I act out? Send my ex a bunch of messages telling him how much I hate him?

 

Absolutely not, I won't give him the pleasure. It's better if he thinks I have no hard feelings and am having the time of my life. Which is exactly what I lead him to believe in the last e-mail I sent him.

 

I played it like everything was cool, although that's how I felt at the time.

 

Oh well, he doesn't need to know that my feelings have changed.

 

I really don't like him. He's on my s*** list.

 

Oh, and another thing. The only reason I forgive people for these horrible things they do to me is because....if I don't forgive them God won't forgive me.

If it wasn't a requirement there are certain people I wouldn't forgive.

 

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[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh guys!!! I just checked my e-mail and I received and invitation from the Daniel Pearl Foundation!!!!

 

I'll have to buy a plane ticket and tell my boss I'm leaving town, but I totally want to do it!

 

It will be great! I have to R.S.V.P. soon though.

 

Gosh, soooo much going on! Why not go for it, what do I have to lose?

 

I think I'll have to brush up on the foundation. I don't exactly know about it. I just wrote Marianne that e-mail.

 

I'm excited, but I'm nervous too.

 

I just need to take a breather, I think I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.

 

I'll have to look for a plane ticket now.

 

I'll have to buy a new outfit, and get my hair done.

I'll be going alone, ahhh!!! But that's okay, God will be with me.

 

I don't have to stay over night if I don't want too, I could always just fly back right after it's over.

 

Hmmmmm, well at least I have the weekend to think about it.

 

An invitation, what an honor! Wow! So unexpected.

 

I want to e-mail them back right now and tell him I'm coming.

 

But would that be wise?

 

I mean, why shouldn't I go? The only thing that would keep me from going are feelings inferiority. But why should I feel that way? I'm human just like everyone else.

 

Ahhh!!! Talk about nerve-racking. I think I'll just live it up, why not, I deserve it.

 

I'll get a new outfit and some diamond earrings, fly out to LA and have a grand 'ole time.

 

Ahhh!!! Oh my gosh! I can't believe I'm actually doing this. I mean after all, I have a whole week to R.S.V.P. Or is it two weeks?

 

Okay, deep breath. But I really don't want to sleep on it, I want to just go. And I can learn as much as I can. New experiences don't hurt. What have I got to lose?

 

It'll be great, I'll take a notebook, take some notes. Hmm.......should I look for tickets tonight or tomorrow?

 

You know, this is just want I need! I need something fun to look forward too.

 

You know, just today I was thinking I need a new cut and color.

 

Why do break-ups always make you want to cut your hair?

 

Anywho, I should just commit to it, go for it. I mean I'm so honored to receive an invite.

 

Ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How exciting!!!!

 

Okay, I'm going to have to do a lot of praying. Because of course, naturally I'll be nervous.

 

Going out on my own. Ahh!

 

Okay, deep breath. It'll be fine, just fine. Not everything will have to be planned.

 

I could stay in a nice hotel room there if I want to, just relax.

 

I'm soooooo nervous and I haven't even responded yet!

 

I think I'm going to cry. Okay, it's okay. I'll just go. Deep breath.

 

I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooo nervous!!!! How exciting!!! Ahhh!!! I'm thrilled!

 

Ooooo, new clothes, I am sooo going shopping. I wonder what the attire is.

 

I've got to take my camera.

 

Chances are I'll be able to meet his parents, awww. And what if I meet Marianne?!!!

 

I have never ever been crazy about any stars/celebrities.

 

But I am so star stuck by Marianne. She is such a beautiful person, her spirit just shines. And her strength, she is so strong. I admire her so much!

 

My mom is in LA right now, I wonder how long she'll be down there.

 

Ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How exciting! I feel so honored, I can't believe it.

 

Anywho, I'm having so many emotions.

 

Okay, here's the thing, I just got out of a relationship.......I'll have to pray a lot to make sure that I don't become bitter between now and then.

 

I want to be so happy, and I want my joy to just shine through. I don't want anything to be clouded by pain, anger, or resentment.

 

I can do it. I can stay positive. Whew! What is wrong with me? I've got to keep it together.

 

No anger, I can't be angry. And I can't be hurt.

 

It's okay, he hurt me, but it's over now. I love him and I forgive him, and I don't have to take him back.

 

Okay, I can do it, I can so do it. I'll pull myself together.

 

Tomorrow I'll finish all of my work, and then I'll e-mail my hours to my boss and I'll make hella overtime and everything will be great.

 

Okay, I'm going to respond to the e-mail now, I think.

 

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[Gracelove]

It's me again, yes yet again.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm a strong person, so I know I'll make it through, I just don't know how rocky this journey will get.

 

It hasn't even been a week yet. Todd is the love of my life, I love him soooo much!

 

How do I cope with this? I don't even know where to begin. I miss him so much.

 

I'm pretty sure he is seeing another girl.

 

Our long distance relationship seemed to be going so well. There was absolutely no warning.

 

And I'm conflicted. I don't want him, but then part of me does.

 

Will I be strong enough to turn him away? Or will I be a weakling and take him back?

 

What will I do?

 

I don't like what he is doing to me. It's so painful. He doesn't care, you know. I deserve better.

 

Will I ever get better? Are all men screw-ups? My mother taught me that all men cheat and that it shouldn't be a determining factor in a relationship.

 

Maybe that's why I don't care about another girl, I just care about the way he's treating me right now.

 

Now don't get me wrong, if I actually saw him with another girl it would be different.

I'd breakdown and cry right there I just know it. It would hurt so bad.

 

You know that used to be my greatest fear, being rejected by someone I loved.

 

But I thought that was over, I thought I stopped fearing that long ago.

 

Now look at me.

 

I mean he didn't even want to work anything out.

 

And then part of me wants to be free, wants to move on, wants to date hot guys feel free, makeout. But I don't think I'll ever be able to trust another guy.

 

Hmmm, oh well, I don't know. I'm just sad.

 

I can't believe this is happening. It doesn't seem real.

 

Then was no warning, it would have been different if there was.

 

Like with Ariel, after the rape I was talking with professionals and people at the rape center. They told me she was in on it.

So even though I couldn't see it at the time, at least I heard what they were saying.

 

That made things so much easier on me when I found out that she actually was in on it.

 

See, warnings allow you to grieve ahead of time so that things are less traumatic.

 

I don't want stomach problems. I don't want this pain. I just want to be happy.

 

He also said he wasn't happy, in the e-mail. I mean, I can see that. He has a job he hates, is trying to finish school, and I'm out here in California. I wouldn't be happy either.

 

You know what? I think he may be like my other ex. My other ex would break up with me so he could have a one-night stand with other girls. Because then it wouldn't technically be cheating.

 

Then the very next morning he would beg for me to take him back.

 

The first two times it worked, the third time I had, had enough.

 

I know he's with a girl, he thinks it will cure his loneliness. But it will only be a temporary fix. I'm the one the loves him, no fly-by girl will be able to give him that kind of love.

 

He'll come back. And the natural part of me wants to take him back, embrace him and love him.

 

But I'm smarter than that, if you do things like that guys will just keep it up. It's like rewarding bad behavior.

 

They have to suffer in order to get it.

 

But then I don't want him back. I don't want to be hurt like that again. And I can't trust him not to hurt me like that.

 

I just want to be alone. I want to fulfill my own dreams.

 

I've never been in this situation before, I've never been so in love.

 

He is my true love, I just know it.

 

If he is my true love that means that I'm supposed to be with him.

 

I don't know what to do. What am I going to do?

 

What is he doing right now? No word, I don't know if he's okay,I don't know.

 

Did he make it back home safely? How did he feel when he went to pick up Tigger? Was he glad to have him back in his arms?

 

Poor Tigger.

 

This, all of this is almost too much to bare. I think that maybe I should just go upstairs and go to sleep.

 

But I'll probably just sleep downstairs again.

 

No, I should go upstairs. I need a good night sleep.

 

I think I'll take my computer, I need to keep typing to keep from crying.

 

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[Gracelove]

I love God so much! He is so awesome!

 

Okay I've been doing my devotion these past couple of days right.

 

Okay devotion is when you read some of the bible and say a little prayer.

 

I was taught that you open the bible, and you're supposed to read whatever your eyes see first.

 

Okay, so in the past I'll open up the Bible and it didn't always work for me.

 

I would be in the middle of a story I didn't understand.

 

And I was like, I'm not about to read this whole chapter, I just wanted to read a few lines and be on my way.

 

LOL! Bad huh?

 

Okay, so my ex got me this amazing bible!!! It's some kind of women's bible, it's sooooo beautiful.

 

So, on the side of the pages it has these little explanations, like cliff notes.

 

It's great, so you're never lost.

 

Ooooo, and these past couple of days have been so great!

 

I mean I open the bible to some wonderful stuff.

The bible talks about absolutely everything!!!

 

Okay, you remember that horrible movie, "Monster's ball"?

 

I do, unfortunately.

 

Okay you know how father and son were sleeping with the same prostitute?

 

Well, it's specifically talks about father and son sleeping with the same woman and it being wrong.

 

You know what? God loves people sooooo much! He is so just.

 

And I wasn't reading the bible so I began faining(sp?,usage?) in my faith.

 

I'm so glad that no one gets away with anything. Including me.

 

God doesn't play, he loves those people who are oppressed.

 

And even though we get ourselves in trouble, he still punishes those people who harm us.

 

How just is that?!

 

Okay, I''m back I had to clean out my kitty's poop box.

 

Awwww, and I love the little Turkeys in our neighborhood!!! They are sooo cute!!!

 

There used to be a Huge pack of adult turkeys, 20 or more of them.

 

Now it's just this mother Turkey and her 8 little babies!!!

 

They are sooo adorable! They come around everyday.

 

I took my kitten outside to see them.

 

She was interested for a little while, but after that she just wanted to get down, LOL!

 

I love animals soooo much! I'm so blessed to see them everyday.

 

Now if Tigger were here, and he was an indoor/outdoor cat like Amber, I'm pretty sure he'd jump on them. LOL! Tigger is a little different than most cats.

 

It's soooo funny, because when we first got Tigger I was a little afraid of him. I thought he was a little devil cat, LOL!!!

 

He is soooo smart! Most cats are intelligent but Tigger is another breed.

 

He watches everything that humans do, and then emulates it.

 

He locked us out of our hotel room, and then unlocked it after more than an hour so that we could get back in.

 

He turn the lights on and off.

 

He's just something else.

 

I love that cat so much.

 

I remember I used to keep Tigger and Aliana and my apartment. Tigger loves going places!!! He loves running around, being free.

 

He even loves going for car rides, LOL! Most cats hate being in cars, but he loves it.

 

If he were here he'd have soooooooo much fun running and playing around our house.

 

I hate him being in that apartment all day by himself you know.

 

I think my parents would let me keep him if he was an indoor / outdoor cat.

 

But I'm worried. They have that FIV out there now. It just takes one strange alley cat getting into a fight with my cat.

 

Oh my gosh, when I would to live here a while back, no cats came into my cat's territory.

 

LOL!!! All Amber would have to do is run up on the deck.

 

I would be outside in a hot second chasing those cats, barking, whatever. LOL!

 

I love my little baby.

 

No one could ever answer me on whether or not animals go to heaven.

But you know what? I've made up my mind that they do.

 

They need to be there for animal lovers like me.

 

Actually, come to think of it! I do know that animals go to heaven!

 

In revalations they talk about horses.

 

I've had my time with horses. I need to say like 10 prayers before I get on another horse.

 

I always end up with the horses that have free spirits, want to do their own thing.

 

LOL!!!! I went to horse camp when I was 8 right.

I loved horse camp, sometimes.

 

Oh my gosh! Have you ever been slapped in the face by a horse's tail?! Talk about painful! Whew, I remember that until this day.

 

I remember the little Japanese girl I met at horse camp.

 

She had I, and another one of our little friends sit down in a circle with her (yoga style).

 

And then she performed this little ritual that meant we were all supposed to be best friends forever.

 

And we had these friendship braclets. I wore that thing until it was basically a string, LOL! I never took it off.

 

Friendship has always been so important to me. I remember being 14 years old and being soooo lonely.

 

I was always home-schooled. There were other kids, but at this point they were all so much younger than me.

 

LOL!!!

 

And when I was 15 years old, I would come home from school, just exhausted.

 

And I'd have 7 kids running up to me saying, "Grace! Grace!"

 

LOL!!!!! At the times I dreaded walking into my house. And I would do a speed walk to my room or the office.

 

LOL!

 

Why my mom would let them all just run up to me, I don't know. They'd be in the middle of learning something.

 

But right now, I cherish those memories.

 

LOL!

 

I always told my mom that if those kids lived here fulltime, I would run away. LOL!

 

They would come in early in the morning and leave late at night.

 

Being home-schooled was great. I often think about how I'd wake up in the morning to classical music. So relaxing. Every morning.

 

My mom loves those little kids, although some of them have serious behavioral problems. They'd be a million times better after she got through with them.

 

Oooooo, and those boys used to get on my nerves sometimes, espicially when they'd hit puberty.

 

I'd walk to the kitchen in some shorts and I'd hear, "You have nice legs grace".

 

Gosh! I didn't even shave my legs back then, LOL!

 

I was always saying something smart too.

 

Those boys used to get on my last nerve!

 

I remember being younger, and we had to have a "sexual harrasment" lesson during circle time.

 

LOL! I was the only girl and there were 7 boys, and they just thought it was all the rave to smack me on my butt.

 

I hated it, but I never said anything to the adults.

I would just tell the boys to stop, which they wouldn't.

 

And then one day, Gary made the mistake of pinching me on my butt!!!

 

BIG NO NO!!!

 

I've always hated being pinched on my butt. I remember being 11 years old and my dad's friend pinching me on my butt. Mind you this is a grown-a** man.

 

Of course I never said anything, if my dad knew he had done that, it would have been over.

 

LOL! My dad is like me, really calm. But when he gets really mad it'll scare the crap out of you.

 

Actually there are a lot of instances with men touching my butt.

 

I remember his guy working on our house did that once. He was like 30-freakin-years-old. And I was just a teen.

 

It's a shame.

 

Anywho.

 

God protects me you know. I always wondered why I was raped.

It's a hard thing to deal with.

 

But not anymore. Bad things happen to good people. God tries to protect us as best as we can, but we have free will.

 

And when we don't communicate with him or stay close, we don't always hear his voice when he tries to warn us.

 

But Ariel and Jonathan are really in for it. I know God is greatly punishing them right now.

 

I'm so glad that God is keeping me strong, that's the only reason I'm not a huge mess right now.

 

I'm back in the gym, working out. I clean up, I'm on top of things now.

 

Life is challenging, but survivable.

 

I'm greatful for all of the blessings, love, and help.

 

And for you guys, who are always there to listen to my problems.

 

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[Gracelove]

I love Alien Ant Farm, their 1st CD that is, "Anthology" (sp?)

 

Anywho, my best friend's birthday is this coming up this Wednesday, Shayla.

 

We've been best friends for 14 years now.

 

She is so funny, she's always like, "Don't send me anything Grace!"

 

LOL!!! I'm always like, "Girl, how long have you know me? You know you're getting something whether you like it or not!"

 

So, this weekend I'm going to think of what I'm going to get Shayla.

 

I've got a Napa Valley Harvest Candle from Illuminations.

 

She loves Sponge Bob, so I'll get her those DVDs.

 

I want to get her jewelry. I gave her my favorite Aquamarine ring, talk about stunning!!!

 

But does she wear it? I doubt it, it didn't fit and I doubt she took it to get it sized.

 

I'd give her another ring, but all of my rings are too small for her.

 

I think I'd be better off giving her a necklace.

 

But some people just aren't into jewelry you know.

 

Believe me, I have no idea how a person couldn't be wild about jewelry, but oh well.

 

I know she likes Victoria Secret panties.

 

LOL! I remember when we were in highschool she asked for panties for her birthday!

 

I was like, "WHAT THE HELL?! YOU WANT PANTIES?! WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT PANTIES?!"

 

LOL! It was sooooo funny!!!

 

Maybe I'll get her some V. secret panties for old times sake, and I'll be like, "remember these".

 

Okay, I want to get her bath and body works.

 

When you're down I think nothing is better than jewelry and fragrances.

 

Oooo, and I'll send her some of my favorite champange.

 

She's going to get a big-a** box, and she's going to be like, "GRACE!!!!! What did you do?! Why did you get me all this stuff?!"

 

But hey, sometimes you need to be spoiled whether you like it or not.

 

So ya, I'll be doing that this weekend.

 

And I'll be working all this weekend, so on Monday I'll be like, Will, here are my hours.

 

I love my boss to death! We talk about anything and everything.

 

Well, I'm off to shower, and listen to some Beyonce.

 

I think my dad has heard enough Linkin Park and Alien Ant Farm for the day.

 

Now it's time for some man-hater songs, LOL! Just kidding!

 

Oh and I think it's necessary to mention once more than THE BORNE ULTIMATUM ROCKS!!!

 

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[Gracelove]

Okay, now that I have all of this extra time, I've got other stuff to plan for.

 

Okay, the whole credit card thing, I pride myself on paying on time, and paying more than the minimum.

 

Usually I try to pay as soon as I get the bill. But I think I'll wait for this new pay check on Friday. I'll pay all of the bills at once.

 

I still owe money for tithes this month. You are always supposed to pay God first, but when I don't I pay him much more. As an apology you know.

 

So, I also need some nice work out clothes.

 

Okay, anywho, this new paycheck is already spent, but I'm happy about paying the bills.

 

So, I'll be working a lot of overtime and saving.

 

I'll have to save less this time, because of the bills. I'll gradually start saving more.

 

But I really want to pay off the credit cards, I feel soooo good paying of the cards, which I've done twice now.

 

One card I've paid off and I haven't used since.

 

It's just nice not to have things hanging over your head. Then the money I get later, will belong solely to me.

 

No more money will have to be paid to the wonderful card companies, LOL!

 

I absolutely love credit cards!

 

They are the best, they allow you to buy something now and graudally pay it off. I'm grateful for those cards.

 

Anywho, I've got to pay that.

 

So, oh yes, I want a luxury car right. But I will never forget that 20/20 report where they showed how bad those cars are.

 

Fender benders absolutely destroy those cars, it's ridiculous.

 

Goes to show you money doesn't always equal quality.

 

I really want a Volvo, I've always loved Volvos, those cars are rock solid.

 

I was in that accident this past december. We had that Volvo since I was 5 years old. No airbags what-so-ever, and I walked away.

 

Man, I love those cars.

 

So, of course I'm always thinking about the future.

 

I'm like, I'll need an SUV to tote my German Shepard around in.

 

But then I remember from highschool physics class, that because of their higher center of gravity, they are more likely to topple over.

 

I want a rock solid car, you know.

 

So then I was like, should I get a Volvo SUV? But then there is still the higher center of gravity thing.

 

And I love Volvos, but they aren't the cutest cars.

I want a cute car, but cuteness vs. safety....hmmmm.

 

Anywho, I'm getting myself a huge-a** diamond pendent. I think I'll get it for my 25th birthday. That gives me a year.

 

I'm trying to decide where it should be a tear drop or circular.

 

It'll be really expensive. I want it to be Hearts On Fire, and it will probably have to be Special Ordered, I want it to be 4 karats.

 

But before then I think I'll have to brush up on my target practice and Tae Kwando. You never know, people are crazy these days.

 

Then I could always lie and say it's fake/not a genuine diamond.

 

Oh well..................

 

LOL! My cousin (Sandra) is on the phone right now!!!

 

She is killing me!!! She told me not to give her my boyfriend's name because she'll have to fly down there and beat him up, LOL!!!

 

You know what? I am so proud of myself and my family.

 

God has been so faithful to our family, over all the different generations, and different races, one thing was never lost.................the importance of family.

 

I tell you, family can get on your nerves, do whatever, but we are so strong together.

 

We'll fight for each other tooth and nail, it's so crazy, but wonderful.

 

I tell you, she had me laughing so hard.

 

And they are all so serious too! You give them a name and address and they will stop by while they are in town.

 

LOL!

 

Which is exactly why basically none of my family knows about the rape.

 

Which is why I think my rapist is soooo stupid. I had his name and phone number. I have lots of family in Florida.

 

Like my best friend says, "If I wasn't a Christian, you'd be in trouble".

 

LOL!!!

 

If it weren't for God, I would have turned evil so long ago, LOL!

 

Anywho, my family doesn't know. There are some family members that would kill my rapist, and I would have no say in it. I wouldn't be able to stop them. Yes some of them are that crazy.

 

When it comes to family, you have the multi-millionares, the professional, and educated ones (the judges, the lawyers, etc.).

 

They you have the others, LOL!

 

We all love each other so much, despite anything the others have done.

 

You have those family members that are super- intelligent but have chosen to become criminals (and they are at the top of their game).

 

Then you just have the off the hook violent ones.

 

If I didn't have a good heart, Ariel and Jonathan wouldn't be residing on planet earth anymore.

 

But I care too much about people to be so cruel, but I still fantasize when I get angry.

 

Anywho, enough of that. Family loves me, but God loves me more. And if my family is willing to kill those that hurt me, what is God willing to do?

 

Only God isn't ignorant though. Even the really bad people have good in them.

 

God will punish people, but redeem the good if he can.

 

Whereas if my family were to take someone out, all would be lost, and then I'd be responsible. Please, I'm not stupid.

 

I love my family just as much as they love me. I wouldn't let them get themselves into trouble over me.

 

So anywho, I got a little distracted there.

I need to go to the gym soon (that's right I'm aiming for that killer body)

Let me go wash my pants.

 

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