:)

[Gracelove]

My mom is driving me up a freakin wall, I was hoping today would be a good day.

 

She is such a liar, I'm sick of her and this whole wedding thing. She gets on my nerves.

 

She doesn't know how to leave me alone, I'm going to my room.

 

To lay on my bed without a mattress

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[Gracelove]

My mom gets on my nerves!!!!!!! Drives me crazy!!!

 

Ever since my rape I've been extra sensitive. When I get really stressed I become sick.

 

Yesterday she ruined my whole day, and today she had to do the same.

 

She couldn't just keep her mouth shut, or leave me alone. And now I have work tomorrow.

 

I can't wait until I have my own place. I can't take being here.

 

I'm so upset.

 

I won't be having a wedding, nothing at all.

I had been such a good child, on my best behavior. All this time I grew up believing I'd have a big beautiful wedding. All of the other people I know, their parents are paying for their wedding.

 

Your parents always promise you things. But they break those promises.

 

And I cried! She made me cry, and I hate crying!!! And I feel so sick! And I'm probably going to call in sick to work tomorrow.

 

But then I don't even think that will work. I think she is off of work for a few weeks. So even if I stay home, there is no guaruntee (sp?) that I'd recover.

 

I'd have to get a hotel room or something. The problem with that is, people have late check ins, so that's plenty of time for her to do damage.

 

Anywho, I can't be home alone with my mother for long. It's better when my dad is home, at least he can distract her.

 

Anywho, I don't know what to do.

 

It's not just the wedding thing, she said some more hurtful things, and I'm just so tired of it all.

 

And when she upset me, and I tell her I want to be left alone, she'll stay in the room.

 

She'll be in another room doing something, then she'll come into the room I'm in to ask me a question. I'll tell her I don't want to be bothered and she'll just hang around.

 

Today, she sat next to me and started painting her nails! when she knew I didn't want to be bothered.

 

Anywho, it doesn't matter. I just don't want to be bothered.

 

I had all of this work that I was going to complete today. And now nothing, again!

 

I'm so frustrated it's not even funny.

 

And you know what I want to do............eat, eat, eat!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Shove my face full of food.

 

She said she was going to the gym, let me see if she's gone.

 

Okay, she's gone.

 

She makes me sick, literally.

 

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[Gracelove]

I can't sleep.

 

But I think sleep might be overrated (sp?) anyway.

 

So I'll stay up and think.

 

Actually life might be better when your sleep deprived anyways, I don't think you care about things as much.

 

Okay so I've been thinking about how to get the things that I want.

 

I've been to dependent on my mother.

 

Of course I've had mannnny conflicting messages.

 

One minute money isn't an issue, go for what you want, the next minute money is.

 

Although I'm sure they (my parents) ultimately have the best intentions....usually they achieve the opposite affect (usage?).

 

So, I'm coming up with my own plan.

 

I'm going to knock out my credit cards.

 

Okay first, I'd like to say I dish out $500-$650 a month to my parents.

 

Not that it's money undeserved. It's for insurance and things of that nature.

 

Regardless that's a large chunk of money going elsewhere.

 

I don't think they'll reconsider monthly bills either.

 

Anywho, I disgress, LOL!

 

Okay, so I've got to save less money.

 

I've saved a nice bit so far, so that's that.

 

I really like saving money, I must say. It's addictive.

 

Anywho, I've got to take the money I save each paycheck, and put it towards paying off the credit cards.

 

Credit cards are great! You can pay things off slowly.

 

So, I'll be paying off my credit cards so that I'll be able to charge wedding rings on them.

 

And my PJ's.

 

Ooo, I'm so excited!!!

 

I must admit, I kind of "bum around". My mother thinks I'm a lost cause. She doesn't understand why I don't dress up or take pride in the way I look everyday.

 

Well, I always have my own reasons.

 

What's the point of glaming up when my boyfriend isn't around? So I have to fight crazy, deranged men off with a stick? I'm smarter than that.

 

Also, I'm saving money in case she has forgetten.

 

Why would I start making weekly hair and manicure appointments now???

 

There is no reason, I'll save the money for when I really need to do those things, when I'm married.

 

No know, my mind has really been so cluttered.

 

I need time like this, just to relax, unwind, and get my thoughts together.

 

My mother is asleep right now. And I feel sooooooooo happy.

 

So yes, save less, pay off credit cards.

 

Oh and then there is the whole graduation thing, ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

 

My boyfriend's graduation is in December, and he expects me to be there.

 

Why wouldn't he.

 

Only one problem....My two jobs will be our only source of income. What if they don't want to give me vacation time?

 

So I go to his graduation, what about our honeymoon?

 

Okay, not the big honeymoon of course.

 

We won't be going to Europe any time soon.

 

Aside from him not yet having a passport, we won't be able to take any major vacations until we both have steady jobs.

 

And you know what. I am scared.

 

What if I am a failure? I have a science degree and no clue what to do with it.

 

I want to study foreign language. But then what? I get another degree with no value?

As much as I'd hate it, I probably have to combine it with something else. Like business.

 

My boyfriend is in Business, why should I have to be.

 

Or I would have to learn something computer related. Which means I'll be right back in front of a computer, all day, again.

 

But I guess I'll make more money.

 

My life isn't very glamour-us(I don't know how to spell that word). I wonder if that is depressing me.

 

I feel like crying. Is my life any good? I mean there are lots of good and wonderful things in it, but I'm freaking out.

 

Working hasn't been the most pleasurable thing. It sucks actually. The same thing every single day.

 

I don't know.........maybe I'm just depressed because it's work, work, work, what about the fun?

 

I don't want to have fun, not yet. I want to wait.

 

I love my parents, but I need a break.

 

It's so funny because they told me this would always be my home. But it's not my home, it's their home.

They don't even like me sitting in the living room.

 

You know what? I bet if I were small, and dressed up they'd love me sitting in the living room.

 

Because then they could be like, "Oh look at our beautiful daughter, didn't we do such a wonderful job".

 

But now..........now they hate Grace sitting in the living room.

 

I feel so unwanted.

 

I think that's the problem.

 

I wonder if my mom will really continue paying for my therapy.

[Gracelove]

I lost my train of thought. Oh well.

 

So much to think about. I just need to plan, and not worry or listen to others.

 

If I want to get two jobs, I should get to jobs.

 

I should do what I want to do.

 

But it's so hard to be so bold when I'm living at home.

 

Let's face it, my parents definitely have the upper hand.

 

I can't really do, what I want to do.

 

I always seems like something. They always manage to say something that..........hmmmm, oh well, it's not important.

 

Gosh, I wish I could just find a way to tune with out.

 

But it's hard. I've spent my whole life being in tune with the feelings of others (unfortunately).

 

I don't know how to turn it off. I'm aware of an and every little single change. It's glaring actually.

 

I need to learn how to shut myself off from my environment.

 

I want to work two jobs right, well why can't I?

 

What is stopping me?

 

Okay, the grocery store down the hill from my house....I wonder why I haven't been hired there.

 

They have so many little teenagers working there. Why can't I?

Do I need to remove some things from my resume in order to get hired?

 

That would be a nice little experiment. Maybe I shouldn't put that I have a degree, maybe under education, I should just put highschool. Then we'll see if I get hired.

 

Gosh, and then there is my hair dresser. She is soooo talented. But I have to commute to get to her, and well.......she's not the most friendly person.

She's really sweet, and really good at what she does, but she rarely smiles.

 

I guess that's really none of my business, it just makes me slightly uncomfortable.

 

Anywho, let's see, what else. Oh yes, I want diamond earrings.

 

Okay, I want my own apartment right? And I'm going to get it before my boyfriend arrives.

 

But I'm a bit of a scared-y-cat these days.

 

I think I'll be scared of going to sleep in a new place all by myself.

 

So, ya. I want to escape from my parents, but I don't want to be alone.

 

And old friend asked me to be her roomate. NO THANK YOU! LOL! She is miss DIVA herself, a self-proclaimed diva I might add.

 

Anywho, I'll be married in December.

 

Why can't I just think clearly.

 

I want to think, "JOB,JOBS,MONEY,MONEY,MONEY"

but it's not working.

 

I think of my cousin, and my friends, and my parents, and my boyfriend, and my boss, and just every freakin body on the entire planet.

 

Why???????

 

I just need to think about me, for once. Me.

 

Today I was thinking about how I love colored stones.

 

I should just get hearts on fire diamond bands and then get a gemstone ring.

 

Something unconventional. Something more like me, something I like.

 

I've been eyeing the ring that I have because I don't think anyone can make fun of it.

 

And then I had to ask myself, "What the hell is wrong with you?! Why would you get a wedding ring that you think will meet the approval of others?!"

 

Then I realized, obviously because I've been put down a lot lately.

My cousin, my parents....

 

And I know it's not about me, they have their own issues. But I've always personalized everything.

 

So ya, I just need to get away from it all.

 

I love my cousin (the one who married her abuser), but I have to let her go.

 

I worry about her so much, and I try to cheer her up, but she puts me down. She puts me down because she feels I am better off than she is, LOL! Don't ask me how she came to that conclusion.

 

I mean, I'm not in her situation, but I have other issues I'm dealing with.

 

My mother constantly puts me down, and if I point it out to her, she always says that I misunderstood.

 

Of course I share those things with my therapist and friends, just to make sure that I'm not the one over-reacting.

 

And they seem to agree that the things she says aren't nice.

 

LOL! It's funny that I have to go to others to get their opinion, LOL! Like, "When she said this, is it just me, or was that really mean? Okay, ya, you're right, it was really mean."

 

I tell you, I'm quite a different person these days.

 

I started off talking about money, and now look at where I am. see?

 

But I don't want to hold everything in and snap at people like my mother does.

[Gracelove]

I'm such a scared-y-cat.

 

I just need to take a chill pill. But I must admit, the things my parents have said to me, since the rape, have been soooo hurtful.

 

Of course I don't dwell on every single little thing, it would be impossible to do that and live at the same time.

 

Is this old age? Is old age making my parents act so differently?

 

My mom keeps telling me about songs she wants played at her funeral.

 

I'm thinking, "Make a list, like I'm going to remember all of those songs you randomly bring to my attention".

 

And then she told me that she'll give me a list. And this list says what each of her sibilings, wants their funeral to be like.

 

And I'm like, "What?! So I'm funeral coordinator now."

 

And she's like, "Ya, who else is there?".

 

Hmmmmmmmmm, who else is there? Maybe she could pick from one of the million over family members we have.

 

I just need to work, but then I think I'll have really trouble adjusting.

 

So I'll go from a work and make money mode, and then I'll have to adjust to include the emotional-marriage-relationship-thing. I think I'll be good at the whole marriage thing, but it might be a difficult transition from one to the other.

 

And what about therapy.

 

If I'm working daily, two jobs, how am I going to manage my emotions and feelings also?

 

I think I've got to shut off the feelings in order to stay focused, otherwise I'll be just like I am now.

 

When does it all end?!

 

I think I just need to focus on the beautiful things in life, make a chart.

 

I found the perfect hotel for my wedding night (and hopefully the next few days).

 

I've picked out beautiful pajamas online.

 

I'll need diamond stud earrings.......

 

hmmmmm, ooooo I'll be decorating my new place, that's exciting.

 

What about friends?

 

I went to my friend's son's 1st birthday party today.

 

My friends want to hang out, but I don't.

 

As much stuff as there is going through my head, I can't add more friend drama too.

 

All of my friends have some kind of drama, although I guess that applies to each other human being on the face of this earth.

 

I'll probably go out with K. again, just because she's a new friend and so much fun.

 

But the place we are supposed to be going is a club, blah!

 

And it's be a ways from where we live, and at night......hum, I'm think I've had this experience before.

 

LOL! Anywho, I'm not "Feeling it" to say the least.

 

K. doesn't know about my little situation, and I'm quite happy about it.

 

I don't think I'll tell any more people, because to them, that part of my life won't exist.

So that means that when I hang out with them, I don't have to be aware that part of my life exists.

 

The moon is orange, LOL.

 

Work, oh yes, that's another thing! I am sooooo sick and tired of interviews!!! Ahhh!!!

 

I was enjoying them, but now I'm not.

 

I had a horrible weekend with my mother, and now I'm supposed to dress up and look all jolly for an interview tomorrow?

 

I think I need to be more selective with whom I interview.

 

I just need to be settled you know. I need a break.

 

Tomorrow I actually wouldn't mind sitting at my desk all day, typing away on that computer.

 

But I've got an interview and a doctor's appointment.

 

Why?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I want to rescehdule (sp?) both of them, but that would be highly irresponsible.

 

I should just "suck it up", but that would be so much easier to do it I could have a place to rest at the end of each and every day.

 

Not come home and hear, "Grace! Grace. Grace. Grace. Grace. Grace."

 

I mean, I don't have kids, I shouldn't be hearing my name that much.

 

I don't hear my name that much at work.

 

I reallllly don't want to go on this interview tomorrow.

 

I cancelled one interview for tomorrow already. They were going to make me go to 4 interviews for a position the pays $15.00 an hour, LOL! NO THANK YOU!

 

And then there is this interview tomorrow. I'm not even sure what this company is. Is it a temp agency? All I know is that I filled out an online application that they claim to no longer have. So they want me to fill out another one.

 

And then my friend's mom wants to take me to lunch in two weeks. And my mom's best friend wants to have a "talk".

 

Ahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

My mom's best friend has done a lot of nice things to me. But my mom also shared with me that this best friend of hers called me a spoiled brat.

 

How am I a spoiled brat?! I did everything my mother told me to do growing up, unlike her daughter. And I'm the spoiled brat?

 

Anywho, you can imagine why I'm not looking forward to her "talk".

 

I can pretty much see how it will go, "Grace you need to do this, and this. And you should help your mother in this way and in that"

 

I shouldn't allow people to push me over the edge like this.

 

Why can't I just ignore what people are saying.

 

I can't do that with my parents. They have so much power of me.

 

They can turn off my cell phone, and kick me out of the house. I can't afford that.

 

They can give my kitty cat away while I'm at work.

 

My mother is a force to be reckoned with when she's angry about something, I'd rather not go there.

 

I have no security, none at all. My survival depends on the mercy of others.

 

I have no privacy of course. My mom re-arranged my whole room the other night while I was sleeping.

 

I don't even know where my stuff is. She took out furniture, hung another picture on the wall, stuff my papers in various places, and took my mattress.

 

LOL! I can actually laugh about it today, just a frame, LOL!

 

So today, when I wanted to get away from her, I went upstairs and feel asleep on the bed frame, LOL!

 

So told me that guest bedroom had clean linen and everything for company. So I'm not suppose to sleep on that bed.

 

Gosh, sometimes I don't know what to do.

 

They don't want me in the living room, even though they tolerate it.

 

It's sooooo weird. Because when I would stay in my room all day they had a hugs problem with it. Now that I'm out of my room they aren't satisfied either.

 

I'm like, "Well, I've got a bright idea! How about we just find a way to make Grace disappear! Then everyone will be happy!!!"

 

Anywho, it's mind-boggling, no wonder I'm confused.

[Gracelove]

Let's see, what else, what else shall I do. Or talk about.

 

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm, hmmmm, I don't know, LOL!

 

I just want to be able to come home after working, lay down and relax...silence, peace.

 

But it's so hot in my room, and there is no air in this place. I can't hole up in my room again.

 

Is their any hope for peace in this house?

 

The couch in the living room is my bed, it's right by their bedroom door.

So it's always, "Grace, grace, grace".

 

The couch in the family room, I'm not supposed to sleep on.

 

Anywho, I need ear plugs. And ear muffs.

 

No, but then they'd sneak up on me and scare the crap out of me.

 

My dad has a loft in his office, but then I'll be listening to his business calls all the time.

 

But you know what?!!! That's not a bad idea!!!

 

That might be the perfect place to go, there's a comfy bed up there.

 

Amber used to love going up there when she didn't want to be bothered.

 

I miss Amber. So much! Now I'm starting to feel sad again.

 

I had Amber forever.

 

Anywho, working would be good.

 

I like times, like right now.

 

it's peaceful, no one is calling my name.

 

The only problem is that I can't keep this up if I plan to function in the mornings.

 

Maybe I should lay down now.

 

Try to go to sleep.

 

My mom will be calling my name in a few hours.

 

Boo Hoo

 

Thanks for listening guys!!!

 

I know I wrote sooooooo much!

 

Sorry, I didn't spell check.

 

Sweet dreams!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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[Gracelove]

So I'm not going to work today. Or maybe I'll go in late.

 

I'm tired of making excuses. But I'm not going. How should I say it in a pleasant fashion?

 

The problem is, I don't always know what I'll do.

 

Like I thought I might get up this morning, but I didn't.

 

My boss is really very nice. Hum, maybe I'll just let him know.

 

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[Gracelove]

Okay, I e-mailed my boss.

 

I do feel really bad though. But, that's the way things go.

 

Oh no!!! My mom's best friend just called, and do you know what she said? She said she thought my mom was off of work, ahhhh!!!!

 

That means my mom is coming back!

 

She left this morning, early, she never gets up early unless she has work, I was hoping that I'd made a mistake, and she wasn't on vacation.

 

Anyways, when I was half asleep she apologized for the whole wedding thing.

 

That was big, she is not a person to apologize, so I'm really proud of her.

 

She didn't take full responsibility. She said she didn't realize, that changing the date would affect me the way it day.

 

But I accept her apology anyways.

 

So pretty much she said I can set my own wedding date.

 

I'm still confused, but what else can be done.

 

I want a second job close to home.

 

Oooo, maybe I should get my hair done today. The lady rescheduled my appointment for Wednesday. She was so very nice about it too!

 

Okay, so, anyways, I won't be getting my hair done today. LOL!

 

Okay, so what to do now?

 

I'm a little down about not saving, well saving less, but that's okay.

 

I just need ...... gosh I'm in lala land right now, I can't stay focused.

 

I need to go take my medicine.

 

I'm drained.

 

I'll probably just sit here and stare into space for a while.

 

I haven't a clue of what to do.

 

I don't even want to go to my doctor's appointment.

 

I don't want to do anything at all.

 

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[Gracelove]

Okay, I'm back. I got something to eat, so that's good.

 

I think I'll do some work now.

 

It'll be hard. I don't want to, I still feel depressed, but I'll try.

 

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[Gracelove]

I am tired. I tried to do a little work. I did but I think I'll just rest now.

 

There are so many things that I want to do today.

 

Maybe resting is the best thing I can do.

 

But I have so many thoughts. And I'm feeling so sad.

 

I'll think I'll just lay still and try not to think.

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[Gracelove]

Okay, things are okay now.

 

It was a rough day, but tomorrow is a new one.

 

I don't have to stress about the wedding rings anymore.

 

I found a hearts on fire ring that is affordable, so I'm glad about that.

 

I found the place where I want to spend my honeymoon night. And it's beautiful!

 

I think I need to pray more. Today was so rough for me, and I still feel like crying.

 

Whew!

 

I shouldn't be this way. But I am. It's okay. I don't know why the things my mother says are so damaging.

 

I'm so sensitive lately. But then it's hard, when you are dealing with so much, and then you mother says things like.........

 

"So when do you want to have a ceremony? Not this December huh? You said you want to be a small bride, and at the rate you're going it doesn't look like that is going to happen."

 

I mean, that isn't that bad. But we are talking about my wedding. I'm sensitive about that.

 

And my weight, who doesn't know I have issues with my weight.

For years now.

 

Whether I'm "too skinny" or "too big", that's a sensitive issue.

 

Although I must admit, it didn't bother me at all when people said I was too skinny.

 

But that is neither here nor there.

 

Sometimes I wish I could just come home, and rest.

 

Wow am I going to work to jobs and come home to , "Grace, grace, Grace!!!!"???

 

How will I do that?

 

I have to manage my emotions or else I have a day like today.

 

I can't afford any days like today when I start a new job.

 

Hmmmm, if I get a new mattress for my bed....well, it won't matter, I'll have to wait until summer is over.

 

When it cools down, things will be much better.

 

I'm much more energized when it's cold outside. Then it won't be too hot to sleep in my room.

So I can have privacy again.

I really miss privacy.

 

Anywho, deep breath.

 

I'll be up tonight doing work. I'm going to force myself. Although I scared that I won't be able to do to. That I won't be successful.

 

I wish there was a way I could change the way I'm feeling.

 

I wish I could be in control, instead of depression controlling me.

 

Most of the times I do pretty well.

 

I feel like I have a huge weight on my shoulders.

At least I don't have the feelings of hopelessness.

 

I think cold air would definitely clear my head.

 

I wish it were winter.

 

Oh I've decided not to save less. I think that might be a mistake.

 

I'll still save the same amount of money, for now anyways.

 

I think I'll apply for jobs in the area.

 

There is a drug store near my home that is opened 24hrs.

 

However I'd have to pray a lot, I think I'd be paranoid about strange men coming in at night time. Or about it being robbed or something.

 

We don't have problems like that in this area, but crime can happen anywhere.

 

Gosh, I don't want to think about that. My mom keeps reminding me that what you think, you bring to you.

 

I watch too much Dateline.

 

Anywho, small fears that I have to overcome.

I don't want to feel that my safety is threatened though, and when I'm in certain situations I feel that way.

 

Okay, so let's not think about that.

 

I really want to work at the grocery store right down the hill from my house. It's so beautiful and bright, and there are familiar faces.

 

I'll feel really safe in there.

 

So, I'll keep applying. Even if I have to turn in 10 applications.

 

How am I going to do all of this. I'm scared. I don't want to take on too much.

 

It's so embarrasing when I have a "depression" day. I feel so inadequate. In the past I was always able to push myself to the limits. I was so proud of that. No matter how difficult something was I could will myself to do it.

 

But now it's much more difficult.

 

Oooo, I want to see that new Lindsey Lohan movie! I love a good mystery!!! But it looks scary.

 

Anywho, I think I better go do something now.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

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[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh!!! Something very important.

 

My mother's father is dying. He has been dying for months actually.

 

I totally forget about it, though. I don't know him very well at all (my grandma never said nice things about him).

 

Anywho, that can be why my mom is saying off the wall stuff.

 

I keep forgetting about it.

 

Ya, so that would naturally be a huge stressor.

 

Oh, and when she told me, a few minutes ago, that her father had a stroke. Then I went in to give her a big hug and a kiss.

 

It felt really good.

 

Usually I always run from her hugs and kisses, but I felt she really needed one.

 

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[Gracelove]

I don't know why people go hunting at night out here, it's illegal.

 

But nevertheless I always here a shotgun. It's summer and the deer are out and about.

 

There used to be some that lived in our backyard, until our new nextdoor neighbor extended the fence, years ago.

 

Poor deer.

I think it's just one person though, that hunts them at night. The shots always come from the same area.

 

Down a little ways there is this huge open area, with no homes and few trees. The deer hang in the area sometimes.

 

Poor deer, walking around outside at night with their little babies. And then someone with a gun shoots and kills their mother.

 

That's so cruel! There is a freakin grocery store right down the hill.

 

Oooo, today the Wild turkeys were out again.

Sooooo cute!!!

 

This time there was one mother with like 5 or 6 babies.

 

And our neighbors cat was stalking them, LOL!!!!

 

It's the funniest thing ever!

 

The Turkeys come almost every day, usually there are more of them.

 

The cat always stalks them, but never jumps at them, LOL!

 

He'll even practice, he'll croutch down, and wiggle his little bottom. But he'll never jump! It's sooooooo cute to watch.

The babies are almost as big as he is.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Okay, I think things are going to turn out really well.

 

My mom said she still isn't sure about going to India.

But if she doesn't, it will be a beautiful Christmas.

 

I really hope it can be like that, a full house.

 

I'll have my own apartment, so I can escape when I need to.

 

But a Christmas tree, and a fire place. And everyone sitting around opening presents, or eating together.......

 

I miss that. I haven't had that in so long.

 

I really wish Amber could have had another Christmas.

 

I was so upset because my Aunt always brought her dog up and kept him in the house. Or we went down there. It has been like that every Christmas since I've been in college.

 

This year is won't matter, because I'll keep my cats at my apartment.

 

But I think it will be nice.

 

It will be like old times.

 

I wanted to order new, nice Christmas stockings with everyone's name on it.

 

I don't know if my sister will come home from Spain.

She's so fortunate. She knows French and Spanish fluently.

 

Anywho, we'll see how things go.

 

Christmas is such a happy time of year. Usually we see a lot of old friends.

The sky is beautiful, and it's nice and cold outside, just the way I like it.

 

But we will see.

 

My grandmother will probably come up.

 

She has alzheimer's disease. She's the really sweet one that I talk about. But sometimes she gets wild eyes, and acts out.

 

I'm a little nervous about that, but we'll see how it goes.

 

Maybe I should just think on the positive.

 

I mean my boyfriend and I will become husband and wife. Two families will be joined. Christmas would be a great time for everyone to get together and meet.

 

Oh well, back to work I go.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Me again, still up doing work.

 

I want to take a rest. But then I want to do more work also.

 

My boss has given me the whole week for this phase of the project. Although I know it won't take that long.

 

But I don't want to fall asleep before sending him another installment.

 

Because then he'll be super impressed, and that will make up for my missing work today.

 

What to do?

 

I'm feeling much better now than I did earlier today.

 

I'm thinking about my boyfriend. He'll be here soon.

I just can't wait to hug him again. To hold him.

 

I want to get him new clothes, as a surprise.

 

So, our rings are almost paided for!!! I have enough to get them, just about.

 

I have enough to get my ring, but I don't want to drain my savings.

 

By the time he gets here, oh I don't know, I don't want to think about it right now.

 

I'll purchase my ring in late October, let's see, that's...2 months!!!!

Two months!!!

 

I can't believe it! That's faster than I thought!

 

Oh my gosh, I better get busy.

 

Well, I have an interview on Wednesday.

 

I really don't want to commute, but we'll see how that works.

 

I can see working two jobs if they are only 30min. away from each other.

 

I wonder, should I just have taken that other job for the same salary I'm getting now?

 

I don't think I should settle. I think I should get paid enough to survive on my own, with one job.

 

Two jobs would just be something I'd be doing in the winter, when my boyfriend is busy with a full schedule.

 

To make money for Christmas gifts and other things.

 

Well.................such is life.

 

I thought of getting aquamarine earrings instead of diamond earrings. Cost effective.

 

I should really be sleeping about now.

 

But I don't want to go to sleep.

 

I'll be flying down for my boyfriend's graduation, whoopy. LOL!!!!

I've been flying all of my life. But I'm still not a fan.

 

Sometimes I can't wait to get on an airplane, but other times I don't look forward to it.

 

It's a reminder that you're not in control, so in that case it's good.

 

Oooooooo, I think I'll ask my doctor for some sleeping pills.

 

Anywho, whew. Life busy, busy, busy.

I'll be glad when we are settled. When we arrive at the airport with his cat. And then drive to our new place.

 

Whew, that will be the day.

Our two babies (kitten, well cats now) will be together again. It'll be great.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Hey There Guys!!!

 

I am sooooooooooo tired today, and my day isn't over yet.

 

Today has been an okay day. There have been some high points, like planning what I'll do for my December wedding/elopement.

 

But overall I've been so exhausted and I'm not sure why.

 

I have to go feed my neighbors cat again.

 

K. wants to go out tomorrow night, but I'm exhausted.

 

I'm been looking at possible wedding rings, LOL. Maybe just out of pure boredom.

 

I've already picked the wedding ring I want.

 

I'm soooo sleepy. Well my mom is calling me for dinner, off I go.

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

What a day!!! I'm so exhausted.

 

I'm also feeling a little nervous. I think because I've had too much caffiene.

 

I have two interviews on Monday. One I am really excited about because it's legit. I know that it's for a permenant position, that will pay well.

 

The other position is temporary, no guaruntees, so thereforeeee, much less appealing.

And the job doesn't pay what I want.

 

Anywho, I went to the jewelry store today. I'm so glad I did.

It's always good to try things on.

 

The ring I thought I wanted, just the band, isn't something I want at all.

 

I've found a ring that I like. It's beautiful and has a unique color. I really love it. And I'll still have a hearts on fire band.

 

Then I'm getting my boyfriend's wedding ring. I found a very nice Hearts on Fire ring for him. One that isn't on their website.

 

Of course, the less selfish thing to do, would be to get his ring first.

 

But then, my ring, it's so unique, and if he (the jeweler) orders another ring, it'll be similar but not the same in color and vibrance.

 

So, my boyfriends ring, can be ordered again, and his ring has diamonds, no colored stones, so.........

 

I am tired. I don't know what's wrong with me today.

There are so many things on my mind.

 

There are the rings...paying of my credit cards..saving money...holding down two jobs...buying apartment furniture...renting the apartment...paying for therapy...deciding on a family plan for my boyfriend and I...making wedding plans...booking our flight(s)...buying a new wardrobe.............and I don't want to think of anything else.

 

The whole ring thing has me a little nervous. Just finding a cute ring and knowing that if someone else purchases it, then I won't be able to get another one like it.

 

The stone is so unique and vibrant, although it's smaller than I'd like it to be.

 

My motto has always been, "If you are going to walk away, and regret not buying it....then get it".

 

That motto has always worked for me. I think I'll go to the jewelry store tomorrow to look at it and see if I still like it.

 

I'm.....I think I might be just a little scared. Just a little bit.

 

My boyfriend is out of town, visiting his mother. I haven't spoken with him all day.

 

He called me before his first flight. And sent me a text to let know he has arrived.

 

I prayed today. I think maybe I need to pray more because I'm feeling nervous.

 

I'll be so happy to go to this interview. I also applied for a part-time job at Petsmart and Petco.

 

I love animals and would like to work there part-time.

 

I just want to get "all of my ducks in order". I want to get things out of the way, so I no longer have to worry about them.

 

Like the rings, I want to get the rings out of the way. That's a big thing.

 

We'll need the rings.

 

Then the earrings, LOL! I found diamond studs, but that's a splurge.

Although I want to look really good when I'm married, all of the time.

 

Diamond studs are a good investment, because they always look good and I can wear them all of the time.

 

Anywho, that's a luxury.

 

I'm always so nervous about going into jewelry stores.

I used to be somewhat of a jewelry addict, and when I find a piece that I'm interested in, I tend to obsess.

 

But I am much better.

 

The old me would have drained my account today, and go to purchase the ring tomorrow.

 

Deep breath.

 

Things have been going well for me the past few days. I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

 

I keep thinking that I should stop saving so much money. But then my dad and I have that deal about him matching half of what I save.

So it's actually a good investment.

 

But then the other part of me just want to pay off these credit cards.

 

I've paid off credit cards before, and it feels so good!

 

Gosh I keep thinking about the $1,000 +, spent on that hotel when I went to see my boyfriend.

 

But I'm grateful we had a place to stay.

 

Anywho, it's over now.

 

When he gets out here, and gets a job, then he can start paying for stuff.

 

It's hard to have him pay for stuff when I don't know exactly how much he's making, or how much he has after bills.

 

Anywho, when he gets his job out here, roles will reverse again, and he can start taking care of things financially, like he used to.

 

And he's paying for my ring also.

 

I may purchase it upfront, but he has to pay for it.

 

Gosh, it's a little rough. Because my guy friend thinks I shouldn't even be with him if he doesn't puchase my ring.

 

And I do feel like I'm doing everything. I'm the one planning everything, etc.

 

But then again he's working full-time and going to school full-time.

 

I just need him to complete school so that he can come out here, that's all that I care about, that's the most important.

 

He doesn't have time to plan everything. We are a partnership, so I've got to pick up the slack on this end. LOL!!! "Pick up the slack".

 

Anywho, I can I just need to rest. I'm looking at everything that needs to be done and I'm starting to feel slightly over-whelmed.

 

I love my boyfriend so much, but sometimes he seems immature.

I think I'm just frustrated because I don't get to see him often.

 

On one hand he can be really immature, but on the other hand he can be really serious and strong.

 

It just depends.

 

I get annoyed sometimes, but then at the same time I love him to death.

It's so weird.

 

I shouldn't have gone into that jewelry store. I didn't need that kind of stress right now.

 

I was doing pretty decent until I went into that store, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

 

I remember when I used to go to the mall with my friends, they would always speed by the jewelry stores. And if I looked that way they would grab my arm and say that we weren't going inside.

 

Sad huh.

 

Now I'm thinking about rings and earrings. Gosh!

 

And of course he had to tell me that if he order that ring there was no guaruntee (sp?) that I'd get a similar stone.

 

That makes me feel like I have to get it, or I will have missed out on something wonderful. A unique, beautiful ring.

 

What is wrong with me?

 

I think I need to focus on something else.

 

But I've already looked at furniture online, and different rings.

 

I've looked at sheets.

 

Maybe I should look at dishes.

 

Tomorrow, K. and I are going out.

I'm so sleepy though.

 

I don't know what to do. I love therapy, but I don't think my mom will keep paying for it when I get a job.

 

Can I afford therapy? I think it is $480.00 a month. That's money that can go towards other things.

 

I know, I'll take a break, then start back up after my boyfriend gets his job. Well, he'll be my husband then

 

Oh that's another thing!!! The stones in the store are all natural. They aren't treated at all!!!

 

It's a naturally beautiful stone! First I had to see if it was lab-created, because I wouldn't buy it if it were.

 

But people are known to treat all natural stones. But this stone hasn't been treated!!! It's one of a kind!!!

 

Oh my gosh, I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo tempted to withdraw money from my account. Sooooo tempted! Who doesn't love a natural beauty!!!

 

Ahhh, I think I need to distract myself, I'll go feed my neighbor's cat now.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Okay, I'm all nice and clean! I feel really good!

 

I thought I would come home and rest today, but no.

 

I had to help my parents clean out the garrage(sp?).

 

I'm really looking forward to getting my car washed tomorrow.

 

I was keeping my car really junky. I think I felt, junky=old=I'm going to get a new car.

 

I looked at my mileage (sp?) today and realized that I've got about 80,000 miles to go.

 

So I decided that I'll clean it up, and keep it looking nice until it's time to get a new car.

 

I was talking to K. and she was asking why I even told my mom about the ring, LOL!

 

I was like, "Girl you are so right!"

 

I think I'll get that ring.

It's just a matter of when. I'm sure that it will be there for a little while longer.

 

Having money in the bank gives me a sense of security. If I spend almost all of it, how will I feel about myself then?

 

So much to think about.

 

It is a beautiful stone. I've seen hundreds of pieces of jewelry, and never one with a stone like this. As much as I love jewelry, how could I possibly pass it up?

 

I'll wait (deep breath) I should wait. If I have no money in the bank I think I'll panic, truly panic.

 

I'm almost in-between jobs. I probably have another two months at my job.

 

It's weird because my boss is talking about keeping me on after the official lay-off date. I didn't know that was possible.

 

Am I greedy? I don't think I'm greedy, I just like things that are rare.

 

Okay, I'm confident that I'll get a new job.

 

I really need to make a list of all of the things I want, type it up, print it out, and paste it on my wall.

 

Okay, I notice that I have stars on my journal today! Ahhh!!! I feel so special! I didn't think I should say anything about it, but I can't help it, LOL!

 

Okay, anywho

 

Let's see, yes, I need to print out a check list.

 

That way as time passes I won't freak out about forgetting things.

 

I still haven't heard from my boyfriend I wonder why.

My mom said that his mother may be introducing him to another girl.

 

I know my boyfriend and I love each other, so I'm not concerned about anything like that.

 

It's just that we talk, every, single day.

And today we didn't talk over the phone. There were only voicemails and text messages.

 

It makes me wonder if everything is okay.

 

I don't want to drain my account for that ring. That is totally irresponsible. Gosh!

 

Okay, two more months of work.........that's $4,000. So...well I guess it doesn't matter.

 

I still have monthly bills I pay to my parents, that is $500-$600 per month. Then I have the credit cards.

 

Hmmmm, I want that ring soooo badly right now.

 

I'll check it out again tomorrow and see if I still feel the same way.

 

Anywho, for that serious interview on Monday. I wonder what I should ask for, salary wise. With $25.00 a hour, I'd be happy. I could take care of my boyfriend and I on that.

 

I mean, if I ask, what can they do? Either say yes or no. So ya, I'll ask.

 

I don't want to sell myself cheap/short like I did for my current job. I beat myself up everytime I think about it. I could have been making soooo much more than I am now.

 

But I was feeling so desperate for a job. Desperation will kill you every time.

 

My boss is really hoping I'll stay on, but he's aware that I'll get another job.

 

I wonder if they'd allow me to work part-time, like an evening shift.

 

I don't know, it's kind of depressing there. I don't think I want to be in that place all by myself, at night.

 

I should have been working overtime, but I just can't seem to keep myself there.

 

Oh, and now that Norma is gone I have to take her place as receptionist soon.

 

That means I won't be able to chat with my office mate. We have so much fun together, we talk basically all day long.

 

I don't know, sometimes I feel a little sadness coming on. I just don't want to fall into that again.

 

That's why I need a list. I need to be able see all of the wonderful things that I want, to keep myself motivated.

 

Maybe I'll make that list now.

 

Thanks for listening!!!

 

~Grace

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Okay, I made my list of things that I want. I feel a little better now.

 

And I'm so proud of myself. I'm glad I've finally learned to save money.

 

I don't want to give the money up just yet. I want to hold on to it just a little longer.

It's true that ring is beautiful.

I'll get it after I've secured my new jobs.

 

Saving money vs. Paying off credit cards. That has been another dilemma.

 

I'm also worried about not being able to see my therapist. I think it will end soon, our sessions. I don't think I'll pay for them.

I will, once I get settled.

 

So many things going on. I really need to take better care of myself, my body.

 

I've taken my vitamins for the past couple of days, so that's a good thing.

 

I should go to the park tomorrow.

 

I love walking, pushing my kitten around. I just feel so bad though. What if she doesn't like it. I know that she's not used to it.

 

I think it will be better when my boyfriend arrives with his cat. Then they can comfort each other. His cat has always been protective of mine (he's male, she's female).

 

But I don't want to miss out on months of exercising. Walking in the park is so relaxing.

 

Working two jobs, I may not have that much time anyways.

 

Two jobs....as long as I wake up everyday and see that list of things I want on the wall. I'll be okay.

Because as time passes, I'll be able to check certain things off the list, so I'll feel like I'm accomplishing something.

 

I'm nervous about pasting it on my wall though. My parents will see it.

Then my dad will ask me about it.

He'll think that I'm wasting money.

 

I think I'll keep the list in my purse.

 

I'm really excited about the diamond earrings. It's important to always have earrings in your ears if they are pierced. My ears aren't pierced right now.

 

Hmmmm, ways to save money. I don't know if I should rent a hotel somewhere for our honeymoon.

 

We will have not seen each other for months. We will have been separated for so long.

I think being in our new apartment will be like a honeymoon.

 

I'll probably change my mind though.

 

I wonder what he credit is like. He has never had a credit card, but his mother has credit cards in his names and the names of his siblings. She obtained them without their knowledge or permission.

Which is why I'm nervous about my boyfriend being up there.

 

I want to protect him.

 

I won't allow her to do that while we are married though. Because if she messes with his credit, she'll be messing with my credit. And I'll make sure she is charged with fraud.

 

He is so busy, he wasn't checked his credit score yet. I think he might actually be scared to check it.

 

However, I'll need to know about the credit situation, we'll be married. I need to know what my credit will look like. Right now I have good credit, and I want to keep it that way.

 

So much to think about. I have to take on so much. He can't take anymore stress.

I have no clue how he is working full-time and going to school full-time. How is that possible? I don't know how it's possible. But he manages it, along with making time for me. I won't worry him with anything else.

 

I need to be really busy, which is why I need two jobs this fall.

 

I really want to work close to home.

 

I'm so sleepy! I want to sleep in tomorrow, but I'll probably wake up fairly early.

 

K. and I are going out tomorrow night. I am soooooo sleepy. I hope I'll be able to hang in there with her.

 

We will be going somewhere I am unfamiliar with. I'm a little nervous about that. I don't like night scenes in unfamiliar places.

 

K. doesn't know about the incident, and I'd like to keep it that way.

 

I just hope I don't feel uncomfortable.

 

I'm sooooo sleepy. I should be asleep right now. But I don't want to go to sleep. I want to stay awake, but I'm having the hardest time doing so.

 

The Godfather is on, and it's as a part where there is yelling, I hope my parents don't wake up.

 

Let's see.......I was about to say that all I really want is a comfortable bed, but that isn't true, LOL!

 

I'm going to go check out that ring tomorrow. Gosh I can't stop thinking about it. Maybe it's meant to be.

 

If only it would stay put for another............2 months, then I'll get it.

 

Goodness, two months, it'll be September by then, my birthday month! Then 3 more months before my boyfriend arrives.

Now I'm nervous. That's not a lot of time to get things together.

Actually that's no time at all.

 

It'll be okay, I can make it work. I just have to ask for enough money for my regular job and become aggressive in pursuing a second job.

 

I have enough time. Maybe I shouldn't be so picky about my part-time job. Maybe I shouldn't be to focused on a pet store.

 

Maybe I should work at the mall, just anywhere.

 

Hmmmmmm, I've got to do something about being so sleepy.

 

I've got to lose weight. I'll be so busy I won't have time to feel afraid.

I'll have to lose weight in order to gain more energy.

 

Now I think I know how my boyfriend feelings, too busy to plan anything, just trying to make it.

 

But I can't be too busy. I have to plan. If I don't make the plans, there will be no plans.

 

His ring will be easy to purchase.

 

I wonder when my dad is going to match my funds.

 

I just need to clear my head, and trust that everything will work out.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I'm pooped. Of course as soon as I opened my eyes my mom made me get up and do things.

 

I'm so tired. I was tired when I woke up.

 

I think I'll have to lose weight, but I'm a little nervous. Granted I've already lost some weight. But I want to lose more.

 

I had this weird dream, that would take forever to explain.

 

But basically I had to explain to a smaller version of myself, why she shouldn't be anorexic.

 

Isn't that strange.

 

So ya, I'm a little scared now.

 

I think I'm just overly stressed.

 

It's really not that important. Once I get a job, where I don't have to sit down all day, then it'll come off.

 

I cried today, because my boyfriend hadn't called me.

But then I got a text message saying that he gets a bad cell phone signal at his house.

 

I feel sad today.

 

And then I dreamed about the ring I saw at the jewelry store. And I want it.

 

I'm going to get it.

 

When is my dad going to give me the money? I think I'm having a melt down.

 

My parents are leaving soon and I'm glad. I'll be able to be by myself and cry.

 

I'm having one of those moments where I just freeze, you know.

 

Like where for a few minutes you absolutely don't move at all.

 

So weird.

 

And then I have to go out with K. tonight.

 

Oh goodness!!! I have to go get my car cleaned!!!

 

I think I'll sit here for an hour after they leave, then I'll get dressed and go get my car cleaned.

 

I'm emotional today.

 

I just want to lay down and not move. Not at all.

 

Bianca is sure that I'll change my mind about the ring and that I won't want to wear it after a while, because blue is my favorite color and not dusty pink.

 

I want it! I want it! I want it!

 

But what would I be giving up to have it?

 

Oooo, I know I'll call and see about a payment plan!!!

 

I think another stressor is that my mom said that I shouldn't buy it. That my boyfriend should. Or else the rest of our marriage I would be my buying everything.

 

But then, my dad bought her a wedding ring, and she didn't like it, so she went to buy her own.

 

They have a great marriage.

 

My dad always spoils us.

 

Anywho, I want it, so I'll get it.

 

And I'll just pray that everything will work out.

 

And then I thought it would be so special, if I could get both rings and pray while holding them every day. LOL!

 

I don't have devotion time, like I'm suppose to.

 

And then my office mate. She prays in the office every day (she's Musilum(sp?)). I'll just leave and let her do it.

 

Then I feel like, "How neat! I wish was doing that." LOL!

 

I pray, and talk to God daily, but I don't make a special time for it every day.

 

I really should do that.

 

Anyways, I feel like crying.

 

I just want my parents to leave so that I can think.

But my dad has been ready for over an hour, and my mom is still in there getting ready! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

 

It's always my mother, always, always, always.

 

I'm going to go in there and see what she's doing.

 

Okay, she's almost ready.

 

Hmmmmm, what am I going to do after they leave? Scream? Cry? Shout for joy? Only time will tell.

 

And when my parents leave the house, they never leave for good. They always come back 2-5 times. I think they do it on purpose.

 

She's still in there. I want her to leave soooooooooooooo badly right now.

 

I need privacy. I'm dying for privacy. My mother has no boundaries.

 

With my other therapists we used to work on that a lot, how I would establish my boundaries.

 

But now so much is going on that's no longer a priority.

 

I mean she took my brother's old porno magazine to lunch with her best friend for a laugh.

She's so mischeivious (sp?).

 

And she just went back into her room! Why?! Why-y-y-y?!

 

I give up, I completely give up. I might as well cry now.

 

I think I'll search the net now. Do a little de-stressing.

 

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

They are gone!!! Yeh!!!

 

I'm in a very obsessive mood.

 

I've been feeling sick lately. I've been feeling like a have a fever coming on. But I think it may be all in my head, due to stress.

 

I've thought about just taking Tylenol, but I don't really like taking it after that one time where I was suicidal.

 

I've taken my vitamins today! That's the third day already, I really think I could keep this up.

 

Let's see, what else.

 

I'm watching the Godfather for the millionth time. It comes on T.V. an awful lot, nothing else is on right now.

 

I took a Tylenol anyways. I'm tired of feeling sick.

 

Why do I feel so sad today?

 

I really think has to do with lack of privacy, no time to unwind. I always hear my name. I'm always being told to do something.

 

I get more peace at work than at home.

 

Wedding rings are important. But I keep thinking of all the other things the money could be used for.

 

The wise thing to do would be to wait, wait until I get my new job and a part-time job.

 

The money I currently have in my account is security. If that security disappears overnight, I may become more stressed than I am already.

 

If they had a way that I could pay for half of the ring now, and the rest later, then I wouldn't lose all of my security at once.

 

I think draining my account and then having to start all over, would definitely make me cry.

 

I have 5 months left, and that's it.

 

Five months to get myself together.

 

I keep thinking, money comes and goes. If that ring is purchased by someone else, then it doesn't matter how much money I make later, it won't be available.

 

I'm going to get it.

 

Because I remember when I was in New York, I saw this piece of jewelry I wanted sooooooooo badly!

 

My sister offered to buy it for me, but I said no. I've regretted it until this day.

 

What is wrong with me? I'm really stressing out. If I have the money? Why don't I just get it.

 

But then I think of my boyfriend's ring. It's so beautiful. I want to have it by Christmas. I'd rather have the money for his ring, than for mine.

 

Hmmmmm, if I get his ring now, where will I keep it.

 

I'll have to lock it up somewhere in the house, and tell my mom where it is.

My parents let my neighbors come over all the time (her adopted daughter from India).

 

She has come into our house before, when the lights were out and only I was home.

 

I'm like, how in the world did she get into our house?!

 

Anywho, she's an honest person. I know she wouldn't take anything. She loves my mother too much to do anything like that.

 

Oh!!! That's another thing I dreamed about last night! I dreamed that we came home and my cousins were leaving our house. We didn't even know they were there.

 

Okay, you know my cousin who was taking care of her parents? Her mother was abused, etc. etc. And now my cousin is traumatized? Well I had a dream that they were in our house.

 

But I know where it came from (dreaming about them).

 

They lived with my parents when I was a freshman in college.

 

This was the second time they lived in our house.

 

We had certain things in the garage, in boxes etc.

 

When they left, they stole a lot of our things.

 

I guess cleaning out the garage yesterday triggered those memories.

 

It feels horrible having things stolen from you. It really sucks.

 

Anywho, my parents have company over at times, who knows how many crazy people they let into the house these days.

 

And I think mom mother reorganizing my whole room tripped me out as well.

 

And she did it while I was sleeping. So I wake up, walk in my room, and everything is different. My things are in completely different places. It really messes with my mind.

 

It adds to me feeling unsafe. Everything is changing around me.

 

Anywho, that's why I need two jobs. The part-time job will serve as a distraction and an extra source of money.

 

It's by the grace of God my parents had somewhere else to be today.

 

Otherwise I might have had another depression episode.

 

What am I going to do?

 

How much more of this can I take? I'm losing track of things, like how many more sessions are left with my therapist, before I have to hand her another check.

 

I love K. she's so great, but I really don't want to go anywhere tonight.

 

But I will anyways, I'll feel so bad if I don't.

 

And then there is my boyfriend's mother. My office-mate tells me these absolute horror stories and her mother-in-law.

 

And, I think that's another thing! I'm in that, I-have-to-get-it-now-or-never-mode.

 

Okay, once I'm married we'll have to make joint decisions on everything.

 

Will I ever be able to just go out and buy diamond earrings again?

What about clothes or rings, or whatever?

 

I feel like I have to get any and everything beautiful now.

 

Because when I'm married, my husband will have the option of saying no.

 

How scary!!!! I'm already trying to escape my mother's controlling nature.

 

But then I tell myself I have nothing to worry about, my boyfriend is fine. He's great. He won't be like my mother.

 

But then they are similar in a few ways.

 

Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I'm panicking!!!!

 

I can't tell my boyfriend, "No, why don't you stay out there until you find a job out here"

 

Because we want to be together.

 

But then I like nice things. I want nice things. I have always been a person who likes nice things.

 

My mother always taught me to be a woman who can take care of herself. She always told me to never expect any man to take care of me.

 

And that's true, it's a great thing to say. I've always wanted to take care of myself, but at the same time I want to know that my husband can take care of me.

 

And I know that my boyfriend can. He has been taking care of himself forever. He is very responsible. He saves money, he pays all bills on time.

 

Ahhh!!!! I'm going to be a wife, and look at me.

 

I have a million things to do between now and then.

 

I feel like crying.

 

Oh and let's not forget the makeup. I have to buy all new makeup.

 

So much money, and it's really starting to sink in that I don't have that much right now.

 

All I want is security.

 

If only my parents could hold off on me paying them monthly, then that money could go elsewhere.

 

But I don't think they will. I mean how can I convince my dad to let me have the extra money.

 

I think that if I don't pay him he'll be unhappy.

 

After years of catering to my mother's demands he's getting a little tired.

 

And he's lumping the both of us into one group!

 

He feels under appreciated. And if I ask to keep the extra money he'll be upset.

 

I used to think my daddy would always take care of me. Be there if I needed something.

 

But not anymore. But I don't see why he's giving money to any and everyone else though.

 

What am I going to do? How am I going to pull all of this off?

 

If I don't eat, I can use that money for something else.

 

That's it, I'll just eat food at home, and when we don't have any food that I can eat I'll just drink water.

 

I'm going to sit down, and write down where all of my money goes, then I'll direct that money towards saving.

 

I need to stop using my cell phone. I don't know why my boyfriend has been so stubborn. He didn't want to get a family plan so that we could talk for free.

 

He went out and got Altel, so that now when he calls me he doesn't get charged, but I still do.

 

I have Verizon, and I love Verizon! I've had that service since I was 16 years old, and I don't want to give it up.

 

I'll just stop using my cell phone. That's what I'll do. Besides I have to save money, I'm going to be supporting us. So, that will just have to be that.

 

We'll have to e-mail each other while we are at work.

 

I can't afford to waste any money.

 

I realllllly miss Vanilla Zone shakes. They were so awesome. I could drink those and not be hungry at all. I was on those when I lost all of that weight before the rape.

 

But I can't find them anywhere. They have disappeared. Maybe I'll look online.

 

Well, I'm off to solve the money problem.

 

Thanks for listening!!!

 

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[Gracelove]

Okay, there are a few things that I can do.

 

* I can get dressed and go get my car washed, and while I'm out go to the jewelry store

 

* I can call Bianca and hope that she's not in a bad mood, and that she may have something funny to say that may cheer me up.

 

* I can go apply to the department store down the hill from my house, and pick up another grocery store application

 

* I can watch more Stewie clips on YouTube and laugh before thinking of what to do next

 

Or

 

* I can just sit here, take a lot of deep breaths, and hope to feel better shortly

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I went to get my car washed. I also went to view the ring again, and I really like it. I'll get it.

 

I think I'll regret not getting it.

 

I just want to lay down and cry. I hope my parents don't return home anytime soon.

 

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[Gracelove]

Okay, I'm depressed, I might as well accept it.

 

I'll lay here and try not to think of anything stressful. I really miss my boyfriend. He means so very much to me.

 

I wish he would talk to me.

 

I'm so sad.

 

I'll get the ring and start saving money all over again. It'll be fine.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I'm not a child any longer. I can't afford to waste my savings on a piece of jewelry just because I feel like it.

 

I've always wanted to get my boyfriend his ring.

 

I will work and save. If the ring is still there when I can afford to purchase it, then I will.

 

It's that simple. I'm sure I'll find more beautiful pieces.

 

It is so unique, different from anything I've seen. If I'm meant to have it, then I will.

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@