:)

[Gracelove]

Okay, I've got to keeping writing. I'm feeling a little nervous.

 

I can't believe I'm going to be a wife in a few months, how exciting.

 

Whew!

 

I can't believe tonight went so well, I was so afraid to go out and be seen.

 

But it was good, everything was fine.

I actually felt pretty tonight also.

 

And K. is so nice. I felt so completely comfortable with her, which is why I'd definitely hang out with her and her friends.

 

I just hope that I don't chicken out by the time she calls.

I doubt I will though.

 

Gosh, I just feel like I'm going to cry. I guess I should stop viewing crying as being a bad thing.

Afterall I have been through a lot.

 

And then trying to decide where I'm going to live, having a long distance relationship, a job I don't like, not knowing what I'm going to do with my life.

All of it...............

 

I guess it's only natural that I'd cry sometimes.

 

And let's not forget therapy, and all of the crazy things my mom says to me.

 

I just don't know what to do sometimes. I've been brave, but who says I have to be brave all of the time. It's okay to cry.

 

That's what I tell myself anyways.

 

I'll be so happy to have my own place.

I miss my boyfriend so much!

I'm just counting down the months until I can see him again.

 

I'm losing weight, so I'm excited about surprising him.

 

And then I'll have to purchase a new wardrobe, and jewelry, because I've always wanted to be a beautiful wife.

 

That's just my dream.

 

But I'm worried about what I'll do with my life. I know I want to learn foreign language. But what happens then?

I want to help to empower women, but I'll have to be empowered first.

 

I guess I just feel overwhelmed. So overwhelmed.

 

Maybe I'll just lay down for a while, everything might become a little better then.

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I'm going out on Friday night, which I'm so syked about.

 

I'm trying to decided whether or not I want someone to stay with me while my parents are out of town for a week.

 

I've got to find something new to watch on television. Actually I think I may not watch much of anything.

 

I can't watch anymore Dateline, or Law & Order, or Nancy Grace......nothing more about murder.

 

My mom came in last night and mentioned that I might want to stop watching so much of that because I don't want to draw it to me.

 

I had the same thought weeks ago, so I take her advice as confirmation.

 

So..........maybe I'll find old movies to watch or something.

 

And then I had this dream about this girl I know. I think she is pretty evil-natured.

Anywho, I know why I had a dream about her, it's because my mom kept mentioning her and the fact that she was having a party....over and over and over again.

 

I'm thinking to myself, "I don't care that she's having a graduation party that we are going to miss because of my friend's wedding. Are you not aware that I cannot stand this girl, and you couldn't drag me to her party."

 

Anywho, I wasn't going to mention that, but I had to get it out.

 

Of course in my dream she was exactly how she is in real life, evil, and my mother was completely oblivious to it, go figure.

 

Anywho, I better get started on my work.

 

I hope everyone has a beautiful day today!!!

 

Sincerely,

 

Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!!!!!!

 

I went to therapy yesterday, and we talked about the rape. In therapy we always talk about other things that I want to talk about.

 

Talking about the rape was kind of disturbing, but I'm glad that we did.

 

I felt like I accomplished something great because I wasn't angry while talking about it and I didn't cry.

 

At one point my therapist stopped me and asked me how I felt about talking about it.

 

I followed her eyes and saw her looking at my hands. I was wringing them and fidgeting a lot.

 

I didn't realize I was doing it at all.

 

She told me that if I ever felt like I wanted to stop talking about something that I could, and that I didn't have to talk about anything that I didn't want to.

 

Looking back on it, it's kind of funny! Can you only imagine what she was thinking. I went from being normal to not being able to sit still and moving around a lot.

 

LOL! She probably thought, whew this girl has more issues than I thought!

 

Oooo, what's that song that goes, "Oh baby, you're amazing! I want to let you see. you're everything and more to me. I will let you be, I will, will...."?

 

It's on T.V. right now, and I love it!!! It's another one of those songs that I remember from a while back.

 

If my boyfriend and I live out here we'll have so much to do, espicially during the summers. They always have so many free concerts around.

 

You know what? Once I get my own place and I get married I am going to be so serious about my career.

I want to make something of my life you know.

 

I'm going to be so active, and I'm going to do the things I love.

 

Dance, language, art, that's what I love. I'm going for it!

 

The fireworks are going off, not the main ones though.

The streets in my neighborhood will be littered with cars. People love to come up here and watch the fireworks.

 

You can see the fireworks over the whole city.

 

Oh my gosh! I'm so excited! K. called me about going out this weekend.

 

I mean she's so lively, she kind of reminds me of how I used to be. I feel like I've found a great friend! LOL! Not like I found her, LOL!

 

Anywho, I'm excited.

 

Earlier today I was feeling like my future wasn't looking too bright.

 

I guess it's because I've been looking at jobs that have absolutely nothing to do with my major.

 

And I'm wondering how many careers there will be in foreign language.

 

I know if I learn Hindi or Chinese I'll be okay. And I want to learn those languages.

But Spanish and Italian are much more attractive to me.

 

I just don't know what type of work I'll be doing.

I don't want to work in a lab somewhere.

 

I have a science degree I might as well use it huh?

 

I'm looking for admisitrative jobs though.

I really don't want anything science related.

 

The jobs I've seen don't pay that much either.

 

Maybe I should just stop being so pesimistic (sp?).

 

All I really need is a job, a place to live, and my boyfriend.

 

Step-by-step.

 

I kind of want to stay in California because I'm pretty settled here.

 

Oh well, I'll find out tomorrow.

 

My boyfriend is pretty positive that they'll offer all of his classes which means I really need to get myself together.

 

And if I work two jobs I'll make sure I have Friday nights off so I can hang out with K.

 

I'm so syked because I really wanted a friend that lives close by.

 

I wonder if my friend who recently got married...I wonder where she'll be living.

 

Anywho.

 

I'm going to go find my kitten.

 

Thanks for listening guys!!!!

Have a great night!

 

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[Gracelove]

Okay, the other day in therapy I talked about rape. I kind of wish that I didn't.

 

I feel less powerful ya know, now that I'm not as upset about it.

 

So I feel like my rapist is still powerful, and I'm becoming weak because I'm not as upset by being raped anymore.

 

I don't know, I just feel embarrassed.

 

I don't like feeling that way. When I was angry, I used to think that if my rapist ever saw me again, I'd be a force to be reckoned (sp?) with.

 

 

But now, if I ever saw him, I think I'll just slink into the shadows, like someone who has been beaten.

 

 

I mean, he still does have the power to hurt me right?

By what he says? Through lies?

 

I don't know, I think his very presense would hurt me.

 

Just because of what he did to me.

 

What can you say to that?

 

I've tried to be brave, and I've grown a lot as a person.

And I am glad that I'm not angry anymore.

But this new feeling..........I don't know what to make of it. ](*,)

 

I don't want to feel beaten. I don't want to feel like a victim.

 

I've done all that I can, that is right, in regards to him raping me.

 

He's like so many others, free to live life, walk the streets......rape again.

 

I don't know how I feel about that.

I tell myself that, it's his choice in life. He is choosing to rape women and I am not responsible.

 

I feel powerless to stop him.

 

I couldn't stop him when he was raping me, and I can't stop him now.

 

 

I just want it to go away. Pretend it didn't happen to me.

I almost think I could do it, if I were to never talk about it again. It could become like a dream.

 

 

Right now, I mean, before talking about it with my therapist.

I felt much better about it.

 

 

My mind was on other things....work, my boyfriend. I didn't have to think of the fact that I was raped.

 

 

I was feeling more like a normal person.

 

And the depression, I could talk about that just fine.

 

 

I don't want to have been raped.

 

I'm at the point in my life where I really just, don't want that to be apart of my history.

It's not something I chose for myself and I think it's twisted that this is the way things work.

 

 

I feel pretty mellow.

 

 

I feel like the rape was a bad dream. Although I can remember every single detail surrounding it.

 

 

I think that putting the rape in it's own little compartment helps a lot.

 

When I don't think about the rape, life is great.

I don't freak out about sex with my boyfriend anymore.

And that's all because I don't really think about the rape.

 

I don't know, I don't really want to talk about rape in therapy anymore.

I don't want to bring the details back up.

I don't want to freak out about it anymore.

 

 

I think I'll just lay down for a little while.

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[Gracelove]

I went out tonight with K. and had soooo much fun!!!

 

I just got home and there is some man outside my house in a beat-up silver truck. And he's just sitting in his car with the inside lights on.

 

That is sooo odd where I live, because there is no way you would be up here, just chillin in your car.

Not unless it's the 4th of July and you want to see fireworks.

 

This is a quiet neighborhood, I don't know, nobody around seems to be entertaining, so I'm wondering why that guy is just chilling there.

 

There are no street lights in my neighborhood.

If there is light, it's from the moon, LOL!!! And the city lights, but city lights don't light up my street.

 

Bottom line is, it's weird, it's not normal, and I'm home alone.

 

Okay, I just checked again and he's gone. Thank goodness!!!

 

I kept checking and he was still there, ya know.

 

Gosh! I want another red bull.

 

But I don't think I want to leave the house again.

 

What a beautiful night!!!

 

I really need to get a job. I was kind of insulted you know. Because I want an executive admin. position. Those positions pay $25.00 hr.

 

Anywho this lady told me I have no experience. Are you serious?! I type a freakin million words per minute, I've been doing nothing but admin. crap, and I have a freakin science degree, there isn't anything I can't learn.

 

Anywho, I don't see the point of having 5 years experience in filing papers and catering to every need of an executive.

 

I'm extremely organized at work, and always beat deadlines.

 

I don't know, I just felt so, insulted. I went to college and they prefer someone with a highschool degree and two years experience???

 

Are you freakin kidding me?!

 

But anywho, it's my own fault. I have a great community, with tons of professionals that could get me jobs.

 

But I'd hate to just call and say, "Hey, I want a job that pays $25.00 an hour, do you know of any?"

 

And I was so cool about the job thing, ya know.

 

I wasn't worried or stressed about it.

 

But being rejected for an admin. job...I was like, "Nooooooooo!". LOL! She's like, "I can give you a job as a receptionist". I'm thinking, "Greaaaat. So, I do that for 2-5years, and then I'll be elligible for an admin. position?"

 

 

I mean, this is not a career choice for me.

 

Most temp. agencies test your skills. They have you come in, take a variety of tests, and then based on your skill level they place you.

 

Okay, it's okay, I just need to cool it. Be patient, search, and wait.

 

Oh gosh, I just checked my e-mail and my boyfriend's mom is sending me forwards.

 

 

Anywho, things are going to be great. I just know it.

 

I don't know, it's so easy to get job opportunities at my school.

But, I don't know. That's the way it goes sometimes.

 

They pass out these packets once a year. With all of this really great information. Contact numbers and addresses for people in the USDA.

They even have these special applications.

You just talk to someone there, they get a job for you.

But the jobs don't pay that much.

But it's a government job so advancement is easily achieved.

 

Science jobs don't seem to pay that much, not when you're just starting.

 

And I want to socialize, I don't want to work in a lab.

 

And then people are like, "You have a science degree, why are you interested in an admin. job?"

 

And I'm like, because I'm no longer interested in Science!!! I just need a job until I can get my foreign language degree!!!

 

Oh my gosh!!!

 

LOL!

 

I'm just so syked! I can't wait to get my own place, and hang out with my friends, and work, and party....just the way life was meant to be.

 

Ah!!! I can't wait!

 

I think that's why I can't wait for another job already.

 

Decent paying, secure job ='s my own place!!!

 

So I can have girls' night, yeh!!!

 

Freedom!!!!

 

Oooooooo, freedom!

 

My parents being gone for a week, really reminded me of the possibilities.

 

And now that I know I'll be living in California for good. I can actually get an apartment.

 

Government jobs are pretty decent. I mean, how often do they (government agencies, facilities) close, or merge, or sell? It doesn't happen as far as I know.

 

Anywho, I'm sleepy. But I probably won't be going to sleep anytime soon.

 

My kitten is running around like a maniac, LOL!

She's so cute.

 

Anywho, I don't know what to do with myself right now. But I'll think of something.

Maybe I'll search the internet.

 

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[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh!!! I am such a dork!!!

 

I just remembered hanging out with K. in Atlanta a long time ago. LOL!!!

 

We had so much fun, and she was so funny even back then!

 

I can't believe I forgot about that. I was like 14 years old.

 

Isn't life funny.

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[Gracelove]

I tell you. Absense sure does make the heart grow fonder. I bet when I move out of my parents' house, we'll be the best of friends, LOL!

 

There is nothing like freedom! My parents are coming back home tomorrow, so this is my last day of it for a while.

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm exhausted. I think I have too much caffiene in my system.

 

I ordered some really beautiful Christmas cards today.

 

I wrote down the addresses of everyone who sent me graduation cards, in a new address book I bought today.

 

I'm going to send those people, along with other family and friends, Christmas cards.

 

Both of our names (my boyfriend and I) will be imprinted on the cards. Ahhh!!!! I don't know what people will say ya know. I'm nervous.

 

I think I've had way too much caffiene.

 

And then there is the ring thing. My boyfriend made a comment about me knowing when I'm getting my engagement ring.

And I'm like thinking, what is he talking about. Of course I'll know, because I know what it looks like, I picked it out.

 

Then he said something in regards to not having much money.

That's what a job and credit is for.

I won't sell myself cheap.

 

My guy friend told me that if he doesn't buy the ring then I seriously need to reconsider marrying him. Because this is the man that is supposed to support and take care of me.

 

I'm thinking, that's right. I'm going to find a way to get his ring which is $3,000 +. He needs to get my ring.

 

I'm like, he shouldn't even waste his money getting me something I don't want. He better save his money until he can get it.

 

This is a freakin ring that I'm going to where for the rest of my natural life, and I'm sorry, but it's not cheap. Too bad.

And I'm totally worth it.

He better not play games when it comes to that ring.

That'll so hurt my feelings, ya know.

 

I'm all about quality.

I mean this is a life commitment. Clothes wear out, cars die, but quality jewelry lasts for generations.

 

Anywho, enough of that. He nearly gave me a freakin heart attack with that crazy ring talk.

 

I'm so sleepy.

 

I really need a good paying job, and a chill pill.

 

I feel so worked up. That caffiene, whew! I've had 3 red bulls today.

 

And I still have to wake up early to clean the house before my parents get home.

 

Today was just crazy

 

I mean, I am a worthy woman, I can't believe my boyfriend would think of getting me a cheap wedding ring.

 

If I wasn't a jewelry fanatic, then maybe I wouldn't care. Okay, well I'm not a fanatic, I just really really like jewelry.

 

Gosh, I think I'll probably have to save for my ring too. Just so I'll have it in time.

 

So much stuff you know.

 

I love my boyfriend, but I'm already doing so much.

It looks like I may be supporting him in the beginning.

 

Whew, okay, I just need to relax. Breathe deeply.

 

I always thought the man of my dreams would get down on one knee and propose.

 

Then I woke up and realized not all men have good taste.

 

Anywho, I'm just exhausted.

 

Sometimes it bothers me that he's not here ya know.

Like I heard something in my house, and I was scared.

I called him 3 times and he didn't answer his phone.

 

So I had to call my parents, ya know. And they stayed on the phone with me.

 

I'm just like, why isn't he there when I really need him sometimes?

 

I know he's dealing with a lot.

 

Today I went against my judgement and looked for a different style ring. A ring that I used to like but is less expensive. It's about $6,000.

 

I don't know. I'm just used to getting what I want. If there is something I want I always get it. I may have to work and save for it for months, but ultimately I get it.

 

I don't know, I just think I'm freakin out ya know. Because I know when he gets here, I'll be so happy, and I won't even care about the ring.

 

But he's not here, you know.

 

I think I'm upset about that. I'm upset that he's not here.

 

Only 5 more months.

How am I going to make it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[Gracelove]

Okay, I still need to type. Maybe I'll type myself to sleep. I am sleepy.

 

I need a good job, two.

 

I think two jobs would benefit me, keep me busy. I just need to do major planning first. That way I can just let go and be free.

 

I have so much on my mind, it's hard to get things done sometimes.

 

First thing, is I need to get the carpet cleaned in my room so that I can actually sleep in there.

My cat has my room smelling unbelivably bad.

 

But then I also have to be sucessful in training her in using that automatic poop box first.

 

Anywho, I don't know, I want to scream!

 

I freak out too much sometimes.

 

Oh, I know. I'll exercise everyday, and drink tons of water, and cry, and go with the flow.

 

Maybe cutting back on my red bull intake will help me relax a little bit

 

I really just need time to go by quickly.

 

And if I'm never home, except for sleeping, then I won't have to clean up anything really (that's a time saver).

 

Okay let's see, I have to eliminate stresses.

 

I live with my parents, that can be a huge one, but I'm stuck with that stressor until I move out.

 

Ummmm...the wedding rings, that's a stressor. How do I eliminate that stressor? I know, I'll just try to focus on other things.

 

Another stressor is not knowing if the minister at my church will marry us (I think he requires year-long counseling prior to marriage).

 

Not knowing what I'll do the night of the wedding. I don't know whether to rent a hotel on the beach, or what.

 

Not knowing how much time I'll get off of work for honeymoon.

 

Not knowing if my parents will be in town for Christmas.

 

 

Nervousness about the whole standing in line at the courthouse process.

 

I don't know, I guess everything revolves around the marriage

 

Also clothes. I'll need to clothes. New underware, new lingere (sp?).

 

I'll need to get my hair done every week.

But how will that work if I work every weekend.

 

I'm scared. I'm afraid I'll lose track of myself and have a monotone life.

 

I'll have to wait until my boyfriend gets a decent job before I can start graduate school.

 

I really want to be in school right now.

 

But I can't. I don't even have a place of my own yet.

 

It'll come together, I know it will.

 

I just need to let go, and not worry.

 

But then there is therapy also. How will I pay for it?

If I get a job closer to home, will I make the hour commute just to get up there?

 

Why does everything have to be so far away?

 

I just need my boyfriend/husband. I really need him right now.

I need someone to hold me. I need encouragement.

 

I think I should just relax. I already ordered the Christmas cards which is great.

 

Other than that I should just focus on an apartment with a comfortable bed.

 

But I've put so much pressure on myself to have my actual wedding day be so beautiful.

 

Opps, I shouldn't call it a wedding day. The "wedding day" will be a year and a half later.

I should call it a marriage day.

 

Gosh I don't know what I'm saying, I just wish I could go to sleep right now.

but I'm a little paranoid right now.

 

Oooo, I know! Valentines day can be an extra special day. We can get married in Dec. but celebrate it later.

 

Who cares! Why should I care? Why does everything have to be so perfect?! I mean does the day really have to be perfect?

I'm making myself sick talking about this stuff.

 

I want to go to sleep, but I keep hearing stuff. Isn't that weird. I never had that problem any of the other nights. I think I'm just on edge.

 

It's times like these where I miss sleeping pills.

 

Well thanks for listening to all of my blabbering.

 

Have a great night!

 

~Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

I've been panicking (sp?).

 

I feel like crying. Um, as far as the ring goes, I can get another style, it isn't that important right now.

 

I'm afraid of everybody knowing.

 

I'm afraid of people knowing about me sometimes, I feel that allows them time to study me and discover my weaknesses so that they may take advantage.

 

I know it's silly to think that way. But considering the fact that is exactly what happened when it came to my rape, I can't exactly throw it out of the window.

 

I feel good in the city, ya know.

 

I feel free. I can make new friends if I want, like K. for example. And I can chat with old friends.

So I'm pretty much in control, or at least that's how I feel.

 

Anywho, I think I'm nervous about returning to church. Being around all of those people who know me. I'm terrified of all of the questions, which is why I haven't returned since being back home.

 

It's a good church, a nice place, but....

 

And I'll be sending out Christmas cards, with my new last name. So everyone will know that I'm married.

That means there will be more questions.

I think I'll feel attacked if people are asking me questions about my private life.

 

Um, I don't know what to do. I feel so afraid.

 

I think I'll just find a new church.

 

I feel panicky when too much attention is placed on me. I'm fine if I giving a presentation in front of others, or something related to that.

 

But when it comes to people wanting to know about me, I freak out!!!

 

And what makes it worse is that some people at church know I've been raped, thanks to my mother. But I don't hold it against her. Sometimes she'll ask if she can tell certain people, and I pretty much tell her that I don't care.

 

But we all know how gossipy church people are.

 

I don't want just random people knowing about the worst thing to ever happen to me in my life.

 

I feel exposed, vunerable.

 

That's why I'm panicking, that's why I feel like crying. I don't know if I can deal with lots of people knowing about it.

 

I just want to leave it behind, you know.

 

I want to move on. And I think I'm doing pretty well.

 

I feel comfortable with people not knowing about it not. Afterall, my rape is a private matter.

I choose to keep it that way. I don't want a lot of people knowing. I mean, they shouldn't know unless I've told them.

 

It's just all so much.

 

I think I'll go down the hill to get something to eat.

 

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[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh guys! This "no thinking" thing is working wonderfully for me. I'm so much more at peace!

 

I have more time to pray, and am overall more relaxed. And I'm extremely optimistic.

 

That's all I'll right for now, I don't want to think about too much, LOL!.

 

Have a great day!!!

 

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[Gracelove]

My mom acts so childish sometimes, and it's upsetting.

 

We had agreed that one day during the week would be completely my day to do with what I wanted.

 

So my day was supposed to be Saturday. And cleaning days were supposed to be Sundays.

 

But she always wants things her way so she had to switch the days, of course my objection didn't matter.

 

So now every Saturday is her day, basically, where I have to clean or do whatever she wants me to do.

 

So that means that Sunday is my today.

 

So today she comes in from church and wants me to go out with her a few places. and when I tell her no, that it's my day she gets upset.

 

And she won't drop it, or leave me alone.

 

It's really childish and immature.

 

But she's older in age, and they say when people get old, they begin to act like children again.

 

But it's quite annoying, "no" means "no". I shouldn't have to keep saying it over and over and over again.

 

Anywho, I'm sitting up here watching a movie called, "The crying game".

 

It's quite interesting if I must say so myself.

 

Aside from all of that, things have been going pretty well. I've gone on a couple of interviews.

 

I don't know, I was doing pretty well until my mother wouldn't leave me alone.

It's a very small thing, or at least it should be, but it always catches me by surprise. I mean, my mother was always pretty mature, or at least I thought so.

 

Wow, this movie is good. It's interesting, and sad too. Quite interesting, it's not over yet though.

 

Awwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!! Oh my gosh!!!! This movie is so great!!! It's the end now. It just makes you cry, ya know.

 

There's no great thing than love. Wow! LOL!

 

When I first started watching this movie I thought it was pretty crazy, but it's actually pretty good!!!

 

Awww, what a sweet movie!

 

Well, I think I'll distract myself by finding something else to watch.

 

Thanks for listening!!!

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm soooooo tired today, and I don't feel that well. I keep thinking of how I wanted the company to close so that I could get a break.

 

Now of course, I think maybe I should just keep going, keep working, keep saving money.

 

But this morning I feel like a break is needed.

 

I'm more patient with myself, but my body is an inconvience (sp?) at times.

 

Yes, it's still the weight thing, but not for vanity anymore, for health.

 

I get sick more often.

 

Right after the assault, when I was still really small, I used to get sick all of the time.

 

So I don't know if this is an assault thing, or if my body is still stuggling to cope with the extra 80+ pounds.

 

Either way, I don't like being sick.

 

A break doesn't sound so bad right about now.

 

But I think that maybe I need to keep going. If I have less to do then I might have more time to think of those unpleasant things.

 

I'm trying to stay away from caffiene. My therapist says it's bad for anxiety.

 

However, today I'm so tired, I may have to have a red bull anyways.

 

Oh well, I better get ready for work.

 

I'm late of course, but I don't feel bad. I'm supposed to be working on a project today, but I turned it in Friday morning.

 

I know that's not really an excuse, there's always more work to be done. But still, it's comforting to me right now.

 

Have a great day guys!!!

 

~Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

Ahhhh!!! This judge won't send a child rapist to jail because she says he's too short!!!!!!

 

Can you believe that crap?! Is she serious?!!!

 

And guess what "Too Short" is, 5 feet, 1 inch!

 

I don't even know what to say about that, but I think I'm going to write her a letter.

 

He wasn't too short to rape a 13 year old, but he's too short to reap the consequences.

 

Is she crazy?

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm not going to have a big wedding a year and a half from now. My mom has changed her mind.

 

She says she doesn't see the point.

 

So now instead of having a big wedding I have to plan something small by the time I get married in December.

 

And guess what? She won't be here when I get married in December, because she has decided that she wants to go to India instead.

 

I'm really upset. Remember how much time and effort I was putting into planning my wedding.

 

If I would have known that I wouldn't get the wedding she said that I would, then I would have made more...........it doesn't even matter. What's worse is that I've already told all of my friends that I was having a big wedding, and I even gave them the wedding date.

 

Talk about embarrasing.

 

I'm.......... I don't even know if I should say anything else.

 

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[Gracelove]

I want to go to the park with my cat. The past couple of days I've taken her out in her stroller.

 

But I just want to lay down too. Just lay down, and take a deep breath and think of how I want to spend my wedding day.

 

Everything is going to be different now, because we'll just elope.

 

No parents, No friends, No family. We'll have each other and that all we will need.

 

Actually I'm staying close to home right now because I feel that I ma cry soon, and I don't want to be out in public when I do.

 

Wherever I work, I'll just tell them that I'll be getting married in December and will be away on a honeymoon for a week.

 

Oh well.

 

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[Gracelove]

I am feeling....unhappy about things I'm hearing in the news regarding rape.

 

First there is the whole thing about that judge not sending a rapist to jail because he is "too short" (give me a break).

 

Then I just read an article, and a judge banned all words used to describe sexual assualt from his courtroom.

 

So the means they, the procesution, could only use the word "sex" to describe rape. But then of course the defense was using the word "sex" to discuss how it was consensual.

 

It hurts. As a rape victim you already feel bad enough, now they are stacking the cards against you.

 

It just makes me feel bad. No one rapes themselves. Yet, it seems like the victims are viewed as the pariahs (sp?). At least that's how it seems to me right now.

 

What can you say? It seems like even judges are against victims. It seems like you have no options.

And as a victim.....I don't know, it just seems like it's best to keep quiet after a certain point.

 

I mean, as a victim you get it from all angles you know. And usually the rapist isn't around to receive any of the blame, but in this case they caught him. A jury found him guilty, and the judge set him free!!!

 

What do you do about that?

 

He has house arrest for 4months, and then he's free to do whatever the hell he wants.

They even mentioned that he can date. He just can't live with a women who has minors.

 

You just can't win.

 

In rape, as a victim, you are already a loser.

I mean, wasn't being raped bad enough?

 

Well, anywho, I've got to start working.

 

Thanks for listening.

~Grace

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[Gracelove]

I've come to the conclusion that my mother is very bitter for some reason.

 

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[Gracelove]

My mom is really getting on my nerves.

 

Okay, we had set my wedding date, I told my friends, she changed it a few days ago.

 

And then yesterday she told me that I have to decide if I'm still getting married in December.

 

I'm thinking, what is she talking about? She has known I'm getting married in December for months. And why does she care anyway she's decided she'll be in India.

 

So anyways, she starts telling me that I have to make preparations for a small wedding and pick out a date if I'm getting married in December.

 

So I ask her, why she wants to know? Is it because she's going to help financially?

 

And she gets mad and yells, "I DON'T HAVE TO HELP FINANCIALLY!"

 

And I'm like, I know that you don't. I'm asking why you want me to make plans and let you know, is it because you plan on helping financially?

 

And she's like, "No, because I want to be there".

 

Okay, I think my mother is a bossy, crazy mess.

 

I can not rely on her for anything. Why does she think she has the right to be at my wedding? Or control it, or be apart of me making plans?

 

She is not going to be included. I want my wedding day to be happy and she is always stressing me out.

 

She is so demanding. Grace do this, and do this and do this.

 

I'm just.....I don't know if it's old age or what. I think she is having a late-mid-life crisis.

 

Anywho, after she changed the wedding plans we made together, I decided not to include her in any more wedding plans.

 

My wedding day is very important to me. And I felt like she was toying with my emotions.

 

My mom is very controlling and always likes to take over. But that doesn't excuse her behavior.

 

I'm not including her in anything regarding the day I get married.

 

She even told me that I need to decide if I'm eloping or not, so that she can be there.

 

Well, she wants me to do something else right now, so I'm off.

 

 

 

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[Gracelove]

I am tired and frustrated and my mom is wearing me down.

 

I am currently confined to the office.

 

We have people over cleaning our house, and of course she had to clean before they came.

 

She won't leave me alone, she doesn't understand the concept of giving someone a break.

 

And I'm back to my old habits....eating when I'm not hungry.

 

It's all I know how to do.

 

My words hold no value when it comes to communicating with her.

 

I hope she does go to India for Christmas, I'm so tired of being around her.

 

And for her to say, "I've wasted my life raising two kids and a husband, so now I'm going to do what I want to do"....nobody told her to get married, and nobody told her to have kids.

 

I don't know. When I hear things like that it makes me feel a little badly.

But when she says things like that it doesn't hurt any longer. I'm quite used to them by now.

 

I don't know what to do right now. I just feel worn. So tired.

 

Yesterday I came home from work and laid down. I had been tired for most of the week.

 

I'm not sure why I've been tired, the only thing I've been doing differently is exercising, and that's supposed to give you energy.

 

Anywho, I was so exhausted, and she wanted me to get up and help her with something.

 

She didn't say, "Grace can you please help me do this?"

 

She said, "Get up I need you to help me do something".

 

I told her that I was tired............anywho, now that I think about it, I don't want to go through the whole thing. Just thinking about it is exhausting.

 

I don't know. "No" doesn't mean anything when I say it.

 

"No" doesn't mean anything when someone wants to rape me. And "No" doesn't mean anything when I tell my mother that I'm resting, and won't be getting up right away.

 

"No" doesn't mean anything to anybody.

 

It's just a word.

 

I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I just want to lay down.

 

Oh, and that's something else. She took the mattress off of my bed.

 

She put it in the guest bed room.

 

I guess it shouldn't matter that much since I sleep downstairs on the couch.

 

But she doesn't let me sleep on the couch when we have company over, she makes me go to my room. My room doesn't have a mattress anymore.

 

I'm exhausted, how many ways can I hear that I'm not important, that I don't matter.

 

And when I'm in the living room, downstairs, where the couch is, she is always telling me to clean up my area.

 

And she'll say this when I have my work papers there and I'm entering stuff on my laptop.

 

I have to keep telling her, "I'm still here". You know, I'm using these papers, I'm using my computer, I'm using my blanket, I'm drinking out of this glass.

What does she want me to do with it? I'm using it.

 

But she doesn't want to see those things.

 

I'm sick of living here. But I need to live here at the moment.

I have to continue to save money, I have to find a job the pays enough for me to move out.

 

It's so expensive living here. All I need is a decent paying job.

 

I feel like a pariah (sp?). My dad just walks around looking at me.

It's weird.

 

And my mom is....I don't know what she is.

 

And I can't help but notice that I don't recall them acting this way before I was raped.

 

And I'm wondering, why the change? Did I do something wrong?

 

And people have told me, it's not me, it's them, it's their problem....but that doesn't make me feel any better.

 

I just rather not think about it. I rather think of other things instead.

 

I want to lay down, but I think that the second I lay down on this office floor, she'll come in.

 

And can't lay on any of the beds, I have to stay in here until the people finish cleaning.

 

I'm feeling quite depressed today.

 

I think I'll go search the internet now.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

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[Gracelove]

What do you know! She just came in here to bother me!

 

I told her that I didn't what to be bothered. And did she leave? NO! She just stood there for 2 freakin minutes, and then left!!!!

 

Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm cold up here in this office.

 

It doesn't make sense that I should have to stay up here, locked in this office for my whole Saturday.

 

When the people finish cleaning one room, then I can just move to that room while they clean the rest of the house.

 

I don't see why I have to stay in here. My mother is free to move about the house.

 

I feel like crying.

 

I'm researching wedding stuff on the computer.

 

I'm not going to tell her about it, but I just feel so sad today.

 

I just want to go somewhere, lay down and not be bothered.

 

I think i'll just go get my blanket and lay down here on the floor.

 

I'll just lock the door so that my mother can't come in.

 

Not like that'll stop her though. She'll just bang on the door until I let her in.

 

I have to get our rings, my boyfriend and I. I guess we'll just get something simple to start with.

 

Although I'm still getting hearts on fire. I'll just get a diamond band for now.

 

I'm feeling so stressed out.

 

I've been saving money, but I don't want to spend the money I'm saving.

 

I just keep thinking that I've got to get a decent job before my boyfriend comes up here.

 

I'm sure that I will.

 

And my boyfriend will be new out here which means that all of the responsibility will be on me.

 

And then our apartment is so close to my parents' house, and I just want to get away from them.

 

I don't want them knocking on our apartment door anytime they feel like it.

 

I feel like...............I don't know what I feel like. I feel trapped.

 

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[Gracelove]

I don't care what my mother says. I'm now in the guest bed room laying down.

 

I'll probably stay in here all night too.

 

I'm so sick and tired of her.

 

There this beautiful piece of furniture she bought me a long time ago. However, I doubt she'll let me take it when I move into my apartment. She's like that.

 

Well, she'll be gone during Christmas anyways, maybe I'll just take it with me then.

And when she asks about me taking it, I'll remind her that she bought it for me as a birthday present.

 

But it shouldn't have to be like that.

 

I doubt I'll take it. If she wants it back, it's no problem.

 

I just feel so unhappy. Unsettled, like I can't rest or let my guard down. I feel very tense and alert right now.

 

I just can't trust my mother, she's always doing something unexpected.

 

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[Gracelove]

Hey there guys!!!

 

I'm watching J.H. on t.v. this morning.

 

My mom and I watch Stanley, on Sundays. Well, she'll turn it on while I'm sleeping, and then I'll end up listening.

 

We usually don't watch J.H.. We used to but then he started saying some things that were off the wall, and untrue.

 

So we stopped watching him.

 

Well, my mom fell sleep after turning on our T.V.'s and J.H. came on.

 

Some of what he says is really good, but some of it is off the wall.

 

It's like he'll leave off important things. Like he doesn't say the whole truth, he goes more so for shock factor.

 

He is a good speaker, but he.......how do I put it. He isn't completely forth coming.

 

He's more like, do this and you'll go to hell. In an effort to stop people from doing something. So he leads people to think, if you don't stop this, you are going to hell.

 

He's trying to use fear as a way of getting people to change their behavior, so he won't give people the whole story.

 

I think it's sad. If you are going to preach about the bible, you should be honest. You shouldn't leave off the parts you think will make what you're saying less effective.

 

It's like, "do this, and you'll go to hell", "do this, and you'll go to hell".

 

Ummmmmmm, I don't think it's that effective. People aren't perfect and neither is he. What about teaching people to have a relationship with Jesus?

 

Don't leave people to believe that because they did a certain thing they are going to hell. Emphasize Jesus' love for people, repentance, what about all of that?

 

I'm a Christian, so I know where he is coming from. But if I weren't a Christian, I would be discouraged and turned off.

I wouldn't be familiar with the bible. So everything that came out of his mouth I would believe.

 

I wouldn't be able to say, "Oh, he forgot to talk mention this, he didn't give the whole story", or "What he just said is not true", or "it doesn't say that in the Bible".

 

But he does say things that are really good, and true.

 

I do know of old-school preachers who like to scare people into Christianity. I guess they do it because it works in some cases.

 

I just don't think it's fair. They are twisting scripture to fit their own purposes.

 

Thinking about it is actually making me sad right now, because it isn't fair.

 

I wouldn't want someone twisting my words in order to get their desired effect (usage?).

 

Anywho, enough of that. If you watch him, you have to be familiar with the bible. Otherwise you'll never know whether what he is saying it truth or a lie. It shouldn't have to be like that.

 

 

 

 

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[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh! My mom is talking about my grandma right now.

 

Okay, my grandma is so sweet, she raised me for a little while when I was little.

 

Okay, a few weeks ago I was wondering why my mom is so critical and judgemental, when my grandmother is so sweet and loving right?

 

Well my mom was like saying how my grandma never told her or her siblings that they had to do something. She just talked to them about different things right, gave them advice.

 

I'm thinking, why weren't you like that?!!!! My mom has always been like, "You have to do this, you have to do that". I always did what she wanted because I didn't want to get a spanking with the belt.

 

I was always a goodie-two-shoes, because I hated spankings.

 

Will I spank my children? Ummm, I'm not totally sure. My mom spanked me, and I was always a good child, so..........I don't know, maybe it works.

 

But anywho, I'm just like, "Why weren't you like your mother?!" Life would have been much nicer for me if she were.

 

Anywho, I can't complain. My grandmother came to visit me a lot, and gave me lots of love.

 

Anywho, my mom was just telling me about my little 13 year old cousin (F.Y.I. I have hudreds of cousins, can't keep track of them all, but this one I know).

 

My aunt is with this abusive low-life, has been for years.

Nobody likes him right.

Well, I just found out my little cousin tried to commit suicide.

She tried to commit suicide because my aunt's boyfriend beat the crap out of her.

He beat the crap out of her and then drug her around the house by her hair.

 

What did my aunt do? Absolutely nothing.

 

Well, I shouldn't say absolutely nothing, she sent her to counseling.

 

Okay, so she goes to counseling, and then comes home to live with the man that abuses her.

 

Great! Fantastic!

 

Although I'm wondering why she hasn't been removed from the home, ya know. Usually therapists have an obligation to notify someone when a child is being abused.

 

Anywho, that made me really upset. Because my little cousin is so sweet! And to think of my Aunt letting her psycho boyfriend drag her all around the house by her hair..............it's infuriating.

 

But what can I do? Nothing. There is absolutely nothing I can do.

 

Oh well, I can pray actually. I don't pray for people like I should.

 

Anywho, it's upsetting.

 

I don't want my little cousin going through that.

 

Anywho, I don't know.

 

On an up note, my Aunt's boyfriend had a stroke yesterday. So I guess he's getting his just deserve.

 

Well, I think I'll go do something now.

 

Thanks for listening!!!

 

~Grace

 

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