:)

[Gracelove]

What a beautiful morning!!!

 

I've decided to say what I'm grateful for..

 

*I'm grateful for wonderful music!

*I'm grateful to have a home, a beautiful home to stay in while I get my things together

*I'm grateful for my kitten

*My gorgeous boyfriend/husband

*My lovely friends

*My potential

*Parents that care

*A car

*I'm grateful that I live in a nice area

*That people compliment when I feel the worst about myself

*That I'm alive

*That I have a chance to live and grow

*That I have people who love and support me.

 

So I'm at work early again this morning. I got here at 4am, whew!!!

 

I'm so happy about that!

 

I stopped to get a red bull, in my area.

 

Last time I stopped at a Chervon near my work, which was horrible, because you always get approached by homeless people.

 

I don't like strange people invading my personal space.

 

Well, actually not just strange people.

 

My brother came over yesterday and I was soooooo annoyed because I felt he was in my personal space.

 

My brother is the sweetest person ever, but for some reason he annoys me. Isn't that sad?

 

I really think it's the invasion of personal space.

 

I love coming to work early!!! No traffic stress!

In a few hours that freeway will be so packed it'll be absolutely ridiculous.

 

June is almost over!!!! That means it'll be 5 more months until my boyfriend and I are together, ahhhhh!!!!

 

I mean you really can't feel like an adult while living with your parents.

 

I their eyes, your their little baby, and they certainly treat you that way.

 

But I love them. I don't know I feel sorry for my dad. The rape has really affected him, he looks so sad all of the time.

 

My mom, well, she's still the same ,LOL!

"Let's think positive! Let's go go go, do do do!"

 

Believe it or not, sometimes I find her behavior cute.

 

Well, off to work.

I hope everyone has a great day!!!

 

With love always,

 

Grace.

 

 

 

 

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[Gracelove]

YOU KNOW WHAT I REALIZED? THE PERSONAL TRAINER I HAD MADE ME DO SOME KIND OF PAINFUL EXERCISE, WITH THIS HARD WHITE THING.

 

AND I'VE HAD PROBLEMS (PAIN) IN THAT PART OF MY BACK SINCE. SHE OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL SHE WAS DOING.

 

NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

 

I'VE BEEN HAVING PAIN IN THAT PART OF MY BACK FOR THE LONGEST, BUT I'M JUST NOW REMEMBERING WHEN IT STARTED.

 

I'M SO PISSED ABOUT THAT.

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[Gracelove]

Well, I got the medicine.

 

I'm feeling pretty down. I'm afraid to get married.

 

I think I look like crap. I'm thinking that maybe I need to do something nice for myself. But it's hard to be motivated when I feel like a whale.

 

I don't want to talk to my boyfriend right now. The way he was talking to me earlier made me really sad.

 

I'm watching this "engaged and underage" show, it's kind of entertaining.

I have a feeling that all of my boyfriend's classes won't be offered. I don't want to go back to Alabama.

 

This whole time my boyfriend was saying that if I felt I needed to get back on medicine, it was fine.

 

But today he sounded upset when I told him.

 

I just want to be alone. Alone, and happy. I want to support myself, have my own place.

 

I don't want to have to worry about disappointing anyone.

 

I'm not telling my parents that I'm taking my medicine again. They'd be very unhappy, and my mom is likely to say many hurtful things.

I can't take that anymore.

I've been bashed enough.

 

I just want to be alone, to heal.

 

I'm so tired I feel like crying. I really hope this medicine works, I'm so tired of trying.

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[Gracelove]

I LOVE LINKIN PARK!!!!!

 

I've always loved Linkin Park, but I'm re-discovering them and see them in a whole new light.

 

Before I absolutely loved their music, but now........now, it's theraputic!!!

 

I mean it's amazing. I was freaking out, and was soooooooo angry at one point today. I put on Linkin Park, and I became soo happy!!!!

 

It's amazing. I guess they just do all of the screaming for me, because when I finish listening to them I'm so relaxed, it's amazing. Well, to be honest, sometimes, I scream along with them, LOL!

 

I feel rested, at peace. Who knew?!

 

So, I have a feeling that I'll be listening to them a lot now.

 

I had one of their CD's a while back, and then last night I bought their most recent album.

 

And today, I went out and purchased all of their Albums, except the Live in Texas one. Because that's basically just the first CD, and I've had that one before.

 

Actually I've had two linkin park CDs.

 

Anywho, they were lost and now I have them again and I'm soooo happy.

 

But I can't really play them at home, my parents will think I've gone crazy and am plotting to burn down the house. LOL!

 

Anywho, I'm sooo tired!!!!

 

One of my co-workers, the crazy one, called me today. She started yelling at me etc. etc.

 

I have been given a new duty, and that duty is to call her, and other people and remind them to get certain issues resolved.

 

I call once a day, everyone knows I'll be calling, I informed everyone ahead of time, as did my boss, and his boss.

 

So anywho, this lady calls and starts screaming a me.

 

BIG MISTAKE!

 

I went off on her, completely. I told her that I would not tolerate her disrespecting me, and then I hung up in her face.

 

I felt, soooooooooooooo good!!! I think that's what I really needed.

 

You know, I've been carrying so much around, and dealing with so much.

 

And I only released a little of it on her.

It wasn't at all unwarranted, because I've been dealing with her crap for too long.

 

Number 1, she is not my boss.

Number 2, she's stupid to piss me off because I won't get any of her s*** done.

Number 3, I'm doing exactly what I'm getting paid to do, and she's just going to have to live with it.

 

But after everything I've been going through, she's crazy if she thinks I'm going to take verbal abuse from a 40-year-old baby.

 

I've been through too much s*** for that.

 

Anywhoooooo, I'm off to therapy. I'll finish writing when I get home.

 

Thanks for listening!!!

 

~Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

Not eating is really working well more me. I'm slimming down, I can see the difference now.

 

I know it may be a dangerous thing, but I really don't care right now.

 

And I know it's not where I should turn for my strength. I do feel guilty about that, that maybe I'm turning to what is referred to as, "an eating disorder" for strength instead of God.

 

But I feel comfortable this way, like I'm back home. This is how I deal with a bunch of crap, this works for me. It's only temporary.

 

Besides, I'm my own person now. It's not like when I was younger. My parents caught on and made me eat huge amounts of food.

 

I'm an adult now. I don't have to do anything they want.

 

Anywho, I'm going to download Linkin Park on my computer, that way I'll always have the music.

 

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[Gracelove]

Nothing I say to my parents matters.

 

I tell them that I don't want my cat to be an outdoor cat, because I'll be living in a city soon.

 

Do they listen? No, they are making her an outdoor cat anyways.

 

Nothing I say matters. Never has. But my dad has listened I can say, through-out my childhood, he heard me for the most part.

But not my mom, what she say goes.

 

But, none of that matters anymore.

 

I'm going to be out of here in 5 months.

 

I'll be able to find myself again, feel safe, be me.

 

Because right now, nothing gets better. And I'm just living....

I'm breathing, I move, I talk, I type....and that's about it.

 

I'm going to continue therapy. I'm afraid that I can't afford it, but, I've got to try.

 

Therapy helps me, it helps a lot.

It's one hour, out of each week, that I can be heard....that I can think, and speak........not be attacked, not worry about my safety...and I need that, I really need that in order to survive.

 

My therapist suggested that I find a place to go, after work, a park or something....somewhere away from home.

 

And I'll do it, I'll do it. If it's what I need, I'll do it.

 

I'll just take my Ipod, and a journal that I can write in.

 

It seems kind of crazy going strange places by myself, but I think it's okay.

 

I wake up so early in the mornings now. Usually around 3am.

I can leave before my parents wake, I can get to work before the traffic and the other people...it's helping.

 

Today was rough, but it was worth it.

I learned that I can still control me.

 

I learned that I need to release the anger and frustration I feel, sometimes.

 

Because it's like everything is on hold. Without therapy, everything would be completely on hold.

But I can find healing.

I'll get away.

 

I can take care of myself again. My eating no longer controls me.

I don't have to eat to manage, to make it.

Now that's over.

And I'm slimming down.

 

I mean, I feel stronger. Listen to great music, that pretty much says, it's okay to yell, scream, be honest about your feelings. And the music is great!

 

I have to take care of me now. I have a voice. And if other people don't want to hear it, it doesn't mean that I should just accept that my feelings and thoughts aren't important.

 

Ya, it hurts. It hurts a lot because my mother doesn't really support me.

She supports her idea of what I should be.

 

I've just wanted her to embrace me for who I am.

 

But that is over. Thinking like that doesn't change anything, expressing it doesn't change much. She's obsessed with perfection and that's what gets her through.

So, I'll let her have that.

 

And I'll just try to heal on my own. Try to be a person that I can be proud of.

 

And I'm not ashamed to say that the person I want to be is pretty.

I am a very beautiful person, inside and out. I lost that part of myself for a little while,

But she's coming back.

I'm not worthless, I shouldn't feel worthless anymore.

 

I've got to love me, if I don't love me........then who will?

 

I miss the independent, happy person that I was.

 

But it's okay, I'm stronger now, and I'm going to be a beautiful mother to my child.

She'll be able to do anything that she wants. I'll want her to know that I love her.

That she can be who she is, and that's just wonderful with me.

 

I want to give her the type of love I wasn't given.

 

I want to be a good mother.

 

And my mother is a good mother, she really is, she's just so hurtful sometimes.

 

Anywho, enough of that.

 

The days are soooo long these days. I wake up with no expectations. Nothing to look forward to.........

 

Maybe that's just temporary.

 

Anywho, I'm off to get ready for bed.

 

Oh my gosh! My cat got her collar off, isn't that great!!! My dad took her to get her stiches removed, which was a wonderful surprise.

 

She's so cute!!!!

 

Thanks for listening!

 

~Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

My parents really upset me this morning, and I'm really angry and it sucks!

 

Oh, that's right, and I hate my job!

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[Gracelove]

My best friend called me because she was worried about me, isn't that so sweet?!

 

My parents were driving me crazy this morning.

 

But guess what, I'm listening to...."Smells like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana.

 

So I guess I'm pretty pleased, to a certain extent.

 

I'm tired, as always, I'm not eating, but I think it's great. The key is to not really think about it, your body will take care of the rest.

 

Oh, and I had an idea, I'll work out at the gym after work, a gym that isn't so crowded, being that I'm supposed to stay away from home after work (therapist's wonderful suggestion).

 

So ya, I've angry today, big surprise.

 

My best friend was basically telling me that I'm going to have to suck it up, I don't have a choice.

 

It helped.

 

So, here I am. Listening to the same song a million times a day, and eating fruit an M&M's for the day.

 

I don't know, what to do?

 

This morning I was so angry, I was going to get a job. IKEA is hiring again.

I just felt like I wanted to be out of the house at all times, and I had to have a reason to give my parents, unfortunately.

 

So work seemed like a great excuse to be out of the house.

 

But I was so disappointed, because IKEA has hired me before, but the lady who gave me my packet neglected to tell me that I had to have the drug test done the same day. Which was impossible by the way. There wouldn't have been enough time to get accross town to get the test done anyways.

 

So another lady told me that they had to take back the offer.

 

I was so turned off, you know. I felt like I had wasted a wealth of time.

 

So, needless to say, I haven't been interested in working there again, until now.

 

The store is soooo close to my job, and I'm just soooooo tempted to go.

I think I'll go tomorrow because that's when they're holding open interviews.

 

Hopefully this time everything will go well.

 

I'm just........what can I say? This is my life.

 

I want to party soooo hard right now. Just be with my friends, act crazy, dance, drink.

 

But those Spring Break days are over, unfortunately.

 

And I don't think I'd really feel safe anymore anyways.

 

But I miss the days when I used to hang out with my guy friends on the weekends. We would laugh, talk, eat, drink.......it was soooooooooooooooo much fun!!!!!!!!!!

 

I mean, it feels great being around like 7 guys that would beat up anyone who tried to mess with you.

 

I miss having fun. I miss being free. I miss laughing. I miss not having a freakin care in the entire world.

 

I miss those times. Soooo badly.

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[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh!!!

 

My best friend and I were talking yesterday and it's soooooo funny!!! We are way more alike than we thought!

 

Anywho, I'm at work, boooooooooooo.

 

I applied to jobs yesterday so I'm really happy about that. Moving on.

 

I'm not afraid anymore I'm ready for a new challenge.

 

If I tell my current boss that I want a 75% raise, I don't know that his boss will accept that. Besides I want a job where I'm able to interact with people more.

 

A job, has a lot to do with quality of life, aside from the financial aspect.

 

I want to be happy. I want to have a job that I like going to in the mornings.

 

I'm tired of selling myself short.

 

So ya,

 

Unfortunately I had to take my dad to the airport this morning and I didn't print out my resume in order to take it to IKEA. Sucks huh?

 

And I forgot my water, my outwork clothes, and one other thing.

 

Anywho, at least when I get home I'll be alone for a little while (hopefully).

 

And I'm to work early enough that I can unwind a little bit.

 

I was so exhausted yesterday.

 

I was able to go home at 3pm right, because that was a little more than 8hrs. after I started work.

 

But I don't really feel good about leaving before my boss does even though he may get in later than I do.

 

So, I had to sneak by his office yesterday before going home.

 

We usually always say goodbye to each other in the evening before we go home, but I really needed to leave.

 

I was so freakin exhausted, it wasn't funny.

 

Anywho I'm feeling a little better today.

 

I spoke with two of my best friends yesterday, so that's great.

I've missed my friends.

 

So ya, one of my friends told me that I can live with her if my parents kick me out in September.

 

She's so sweet! But I wouldn't do that, she has a family and needs her space.

 

Anywho, I better get to work!!!

 

I hope everyone has a great day!

 

Bye.

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[Gracelove]

My mom just started hitting my arm, really hard.

 

I told her to stop, but she wouldn't, so I had to put down the phone and stop her.

 

She is so weird, what's gotten into her.

 

If I wasn't on the phone with my boyfriend I would have screamed at her.

 

She's so weird. You can't just start hitting someone becauase you feel like it.

It hurt too.

 

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[Gracelove]

Today is a pretty day. I love my parents home.

 

I guess things are okay between my mom and I. I spoke with my boyfriend, and watched Family Guy clips on YouTube (the best of Stewie). So I feel a later better.

 

My head feels funny. I've been on my new medicine for a almost a week, so I'm guessing that's what it is.

 

As far as my family goes, I feel pretty sad sometimes. My childhood years were so much more pleasant compared to my adult years with my family.

 

But I guess that's because now I'm an adult, I'm becoming my own person. And as a child I did whatever my mom told me to do.

I mean, there were no options. If you didn't you would get spankings with the belt, and I hated spankings so I always did what I was told.

 

I don't know what I think about that now days. Today it isn't politically correct to spank children, espicially not with a belt.

 

Anywho....

 

I don't know. I think I'm becoming much stronger.

 

It's hard, to say the least. Sometimes I feel that if I get out of here, I won't contact my parents for a while. Simply because I'm so hurt by some of the things they've done, and I don't want to give them the opportunity to hurt me more.

 

All I can do is make sure that I'm a good mother to my children. That I embrace them for who they are, allow them to express themselves.

 

I just want to be a good mother, and I'm sure that my experiences can help me be that. I can definitely empathize.

 

Anywho, I can see changes, some good changes.

I'm losing weight, and my kitten's fur has grown back.

 

When I first got her back from my boyfriend, I was freaking out because her fur had fallen out.

We took her to the vet, and he did some tests. He told us that it was being caused by her hormones (because she had not been spaded).

 

Now she has been spaded. Her fur has grown back soooo beautifully! She looks just like she used to. And she is pretty much healed from the surgery now.

She is soooo happy!!! She runs around everywhere.

 

And on top of everything else, she cleans her little hiney now!!! I'm sooooooo happy about that.

 

She's a happy healthy cat, and that's all I wanted.

 

Only a few more months until I move into my own place, that's what I keep telling myself.

 

I don't know if my mom will kick me out earlier.

 

And I'm waiting for my boyfriend to find out about his classes, he'll find out about his classes in July. He said that's when he finds out which online classes they offer.

 

I don't quite understand them releasing information about some of the classes in June, and the rest in July, but....

 

I don't really want to live down the hill from my parents, but that's the best place I've found in this part of the city.

 

I just need to know what my boyfriend and I are doing.

 

If he's coming up here to live then I can get an apartment A.S.A.P.

 

And if he's not, I can move down there, but I'll have to live at home until December, because I'll have to pay off my credit cards.

 

I can make it, I know I can, just a little while longer.

 

It's so hard. This is so hard to do.

 

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[Gracelove]

I saw the movie, "A Mighty Heart" yesterday.

It was so good.

 

And the real Marianne Pearl, is so beautiful!!!

 

When I came home, I looked for some of her interviews on the internet.

 

I mean, she is such an inspiration. She has such a beautiful spirit.

 

I know it is something she would probably hate, because I get the feeling that she's not big on media attention...but it would be great if she had seminars or something like that.

 

I know she's traveling the whole world, writing, doing her own thing. And I'm sure the last the she would want to do is constantly relive her tradgedy, because even I wouldn't want to do something like that.

 

But she has so much to offer the world. She has a light.

 

That movie really touched my heart. And I love the way they ended the movie, it was beautiful, comforting, hopeful.

 

And I know it must be hard, because when you find the love of your life, the person you want to be with forever, you expect to be with them forever.

That's a person, you love with all of your heart and you look forward to living the rest of your life with them. And then for them to be taken from you one day, it has to be so painful.

 

I admire her so much. She's so graceful.

 

It's like the movie "Frida". I saw that movie a few years ago when I was recovering from abuse and going through the stalking situation.

 

The movie greatly motivated to me. Frida experienced so many horrible things in her life, but she still wasn't afraid to be herself. I used to watch the movie all of the time. It helped a lot.

 

If I had the movie, "A Mighty Heart" (and I intend to buy it when is comes out on DVD), I think it would motivate me as well. It would put things in perceptive for me I think.

 

When times get rough I can be grateful for the things I am unfortunate enough to have.

 

When I get my own place, I'll have peace and quiet. And I can deal with the things I gone through.

I can think about them and take my own time to heal, without pressure from anyone else. Without those horrible comments.

 

I need that, I need that so badly. Without people telling me how fast they think I should heal, or without constantly interrupting my thoughts.

 

I really hope that my boyfriend can come up here, that way I can get my apartment, move in, get settled before he comes along (hopefully).

 

I got a call back on one of my job applications. The guy who called me actually knows me, so we'll see where that goes.

 

I was so conflicted about taking medicine. The way I feel right now almost makes me wish that I hadn't started again.

 

I'm afraid of what will happen. I'm don't want to be tired all of the time again.

 

My mom is leaving soon (thank goodness) then I'll have some time to myself.

 

Yesterday I was so tired but I waited up for my mother to get home (which was after 11pm).

 

I have this thing where I'm afraid to go to sleep. If someone is out of the house, and is coming in later, I don't want to sleep until they are back.

Because if I fall asleep, and then they come home, they can scare me, and I don't like being startled while I'm sleep.

 

That is something new, since the rape. I think it's because I was drugged and raped. You're in and out of consciousness and you are seeing, hearing, and feeling new horrible things each time. When you are out of consciousness and come back, it's like it is when you're sleeping and wake up.

 

So I didn't get as much sleep as I wanted I suppose.

As soon as she came home I feel asleep almost immediately, I was so sleepy.

 

I just want my mom to leave already so that I can rest and unwind.

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[Gracelove]

Why does my mom think I'd be interested in hearing about someone being raped?

 

She just told me about how a man raped a little girl.

 

I'm like, freakin goodness! I don't want to hear about that!

 

Oh and she felt a slight demonstration was necessary as well. I'm like, I don't need a demonstration!!!

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[Gracelove]

I just got a hella weird call from someone who is supposedly conducting a survey of the bank I use.

 

Anywho, it was so weird because they were asking which branch I bank at most often. But then they went on to name the branch.

 

And then they named a fast food restaurant that's near by, and the location of the restaurant in refference to the bank.

 

And I'm like, if you're in another state, or in a call-center in India, how in the hell are you going to know there is a ________ right there?

 

Or that I would even be aware of it? I mean, I go to that restaurant sometimes, but there are other stores that are closer to the bank, ya know. Why wouldn't you mention that?

 

Anyways, it just sounded hella crazy to begin with.

 

What telemarketer calls during this time of day? Since when do banks call around conducting surveys?

They usually just call trying to sell you something.

 

It just wasn't cool.

 

It's weird.

 

You're not going to know that.

 

And then he's like, "Why won't you answer the question?"

 

I said I wouldn't participate and hung up.

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[Gracelove]

Okay, I'm a little sad and scared.

 

My mom and I are supposed to go visit one of my cousin's today, but I don't want to go, and I know she'll be upset about it.

 

On top of that, my friend Courtney wanted to hang out yesterday, but I didn't feel like it.

 

I don't mind talking with my friends on the internet but I am still not comfortable being out in public with them.

 

I'm uncomfortable in being in situations I can't control. It scares me.

 

Hours before the rape and during the rape I had no control.

 

They told me they weren't taking me certain places, but they took me there anyways.

 

So I don't trust that, you know. If I'm going somewhere, I want to drive there, unless I with my boyfriend, because I trust him.

 

I don't trust anyone else.

 

And I feel like my mom makes things worse for me about pointing out the things I'm struggling with.

She always pushes me to do things, she always has.

 

Most of the time she'll just make me do things, but now, she'll just push her point, ya know.

 

And I'm so tired. It takes a lot out of me to just go to work everyday.

 

And now they have me calling and harassing people, which is horrible because then people become angry with me.

 

On top of that the buildings aren't nice. I don't get paid. I don't like the work. I just really don't like my job, and it takes a lot to face it everyday.

 

This is far from a dream job, in the beginning it may have been fine, but now I hate it.

 

The only good thing is that I can chat with my office mate and my boss.

 

But even my boss is less happy these days, because they are putting so many responsibilities on our department, which consists of only he and I.

 

And he's tired of it, and thereforeeee he's less happy.

 

And I want to leave. But I have to pay off these credit cards, and if I left he'd be the only person in the whole department, and he couldn't do that ya know.

 

It would collapse.

 

But if this other guy can get me a job, I'll go, I'll leave, I need something new.

 

I need some kind of happiness, a happy place, something.

 

I hate it there. Every place I have worked previously has been really very nice. This place is an absolute dump, and in danger of closing anyways.

 

Maybe I should go down the hill and get something. Do something to cheer myself up.

 

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[Gracelove]

I've feeling pretty good about something that happened today.

 

A couple of days ago I prayed and asked God to help me with my mother.

 

Today she came back from church and told me that she was going to back off.

She didn't even get angry with me for not going with her to see my cousin.

 

She also said that she'll keep her promise, and pay for my graduate school.

 

I feel really happy about hearing this. And tears are in my eyes, because I've been struggling, ya know. And it never even occurred to me to ask God for help.

And he definitely came through for me, as always.

 

And right now Mariane Pearl is a huge inspiration for me. Very helpful.

 

She is amazing, and just seeing the way she handles herself, so gracefully, in the face of people harming her in that way, it's amazing.

 

I mean how to you carry on when the love of your life has been taken from you and executed. How jolting is that to your system?

 

And to say, I'm not going to let that deter me, I'm not going to let them terrorize me, that's amazing.

 

There aren't many of her interviews online, unfortunately.

 

She is such a great inspiration. Very, very brave. And that is encouraging to me.

It reminds me that I don't have to change the essense of who I am because of what happened to me.

 

I didn't quite know how to react, how to handle my situation gracefully.

 

I didn't know what to do. The world that I knew, was a safe world, a sheltered world, and then that was all taken away from me.

I had no clue of what to do.

I always had someone there to protect me, look out for me.

I panicked.

 

But now I have a great example.

 

An example of how to carry yourself. There is someone saying that you can't let such horrible things terrify you.

 

And I'm sure Mariane experienced an unbearable amount of pain, but somehow, in her interviews, she was strong enough to remain composed.

 

I want to be like that, strive to be like that. I used to keep things inside, deal with them on my own private time.

I don't know why so much of my changed.

I was angry, afraid.

I felt/feel that now I have to protect myself, but many times I've been unsure of how to do that.

 

But I think, seeing someone else make it, really helps me.

 

It's been difficult.

 

How do you cope with the horrible things in this world.

 

I guess you really have no choice. I hope I can become much better in the future than I am now.

 

I've obsessed over the way my life has changed.

 

Over the way everything has changed, and I live in that, everyday.

I don't see beyond it.

 

I think I need to see beyond it now, not ignore it, or pretend things aren't challenging right now...but think on other things.

 

I've been so embarrassed and so ashamed.

 

I think that maybe I should just think about the things I want out of life, the good things I want to do for others.

 

If I spend my time trying to figure that out, then maybe my world can become a bit brighter.

 

Like, in graduate school, I'll be studying Spanish and Italian.

 

I want to know what I'll do with that. Like, what best suits me in this world.

 

I know I love dance, I have a passion for it, that and foreign language. Maybe I can touch others through that.

 

I need something to do, ya know. Something that makes me happy. Something that makes me feel like a useful person, something that will make me feel less empty.

 

I need something to work for, towards, goals to achieve, so that I won't be surrounded by the affects of what happened.

 

I don't want to live with the ghosts anymore. I don't want the constant reminders, I want something more, something more pleasant in my life.

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[Gracelove]

I just heard two gunshots. I hope people aren't hunting deer this late at night.

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[Gracelove]

Today was such a good day!!!

 

I was anxious at first, because I left earlier than usual on Friday. I worked my 8hrs., but I came in very early to finish up a project.

I thought I would have all of this work people might have sent in later on that day, but there wasn't much.

 

I was so grateful that today was so nice and calm.

 

All the work I received was completed, with the exception of incomplete work that was turned in.

 

And today upper management in the company resigned (President, VP of Sales and Marketing, Operations executive, and one other person).

 

People are stressing out about the future of the company, layoffs, etc., but not me.

 

When we had that mandatory safety meeting and I saw how disorganized everything was, I knew then that things were going to crash and burn (that was the day I was down about things and knew that I wanted to look for another job.

 

So when today rolled around and people were down and anxious about the security of their jobs, I wasn't. I already had those feelings earlier in the month.

 

Today's news was actually pretty exciting to me. It's not everyday that upper management just decides to abuptly leave. It's so interesting. I wonder if they all got together and decided that they would walk out, or did one just follow the other in a short period of time?

 

I'm so curious to see what will happen next. They say that everyone should know whether or not they will be laid off within the next or two.

 

The company is being bought out right now, however we were told that upper management wasn't forced out.

I hope the new owners hire more people.

 

Anywho, I feel at peace. I feel a little bit responsible because I had been hoping that the company would shut down or there would be lay offs, just so that I wouldn't have to work there anymore, and I wouldn't have to take any responsibility as I would if I were to quit.

 

But now that I've been actively looking for another job, I don't have to think that way anymore.

 

Actually I feel a little guilty about thinking that way, because at one time I wanted it so badly, and now it has the possibility of happening.

 

Anywho....

 

I love my kitty cat so much! She is so sweet and precious! She's so happy these days!!!

She has been spaded and is feeling much better. She doesn't have to deal with the symptoms of being in heat anymore.

 

She's so cute!!!

 

I'm thinking of getting the Marianne Pearl Memoir. I printed out an article she wrote, and it's amazing! I love her sooo much! She is such an inspiration to me, so strong.

 

Wow! My cat is doing something over there and she's keeping up a lot of noise, LOL!

 

Anywho, I'm feeling happier in my life right now.

Hopefully I can stay more mellow these days.

 

 

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[Gracelove]

It finally happened. The place where I currently work is closing (the power of thought, right?).

 

Anywho, I'm ready to move on, I've already contacted the agency I was working for and am going to submit a new resume (updated).

 

Hopefully that will mean more money for me.

 

Also, I'm waiting on the guy I know to tell me what things are like where he works, and see if he submitted me for a position, and........of course, how much they pay.

 

I am soooooo into the whole pay-thing. I'm so glad this place is closing. I can work somewhere that pays me more (instead of waiting a whole year for a raise).

 

Before I was worried about disappointing my boss if I quit, but now that the place is closing he expects me to leave for another job. So it's all working out quite nicely.

 

I have a therapy appointment, but I reallllly don't want to wait around for it.

 

The last thing I want to do is sit in traffic on my way home after today.

 

I've called the lady at the agency and I have to send her my resume.

 

I just wanted to go home and relax, talk on the phone, play with my kitty, etc.

 

I'm feeling pretty good today, I don't want to hang around and talk to my therapist when nothing is really going on.

 

OH CRAP!!!!!

 

I FORGOT TO TAKE MY MEDICINE TODAY!!!!

 

So much crap was going on, it completely skipped my mind!!!

 

Okay, I just took it, I'm supposed to take it in the morning, but hopefully nothing will get thrown out of whack.

 

I reallllllllly want to leave now.

 

I think I'll call my therapist and see if I can just drop off the money.

 

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[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh guys!!!! God is so good to me!!!!

 

I sent an e-mail to Marianne Pearl!!!! It isn't her address, I don't have her address, but she touched me so much I wanted to express my gratitude. I sent the e-mail to a place where I thought she might receive it.

I received a reply just a few minutes ago from someone saying that they forwarded to her!!!!

 

Can you believe it!!!!

 

God is so amazing you know! I mean I just really wanted her to know how much of an inspiration she is to me.

 

I'm soooo excited!

 

You know how you just find someone to be so amazing, and you just want them to know how amazing they are.

 

Because I don't think people walk around, feeling that way about themselves.

 

But I just really wanted her to know. She should be so proud of herself, she has such an amazing spirit.

 

This is just such a wonderful day!!!

 

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[Gracelove]

I am freakin dying of boredom here!

 

I have absolutely no work to do. I don't want to be here, I feel that being here is an absolute waste of my time.

 

I want to be at home, or a bookstore, or the human society.

I want to quit tomorrow.

 

But I think I might be a little sad, because if I'm not working loneliness may set in.

 

I can't spend my days at my friend's house because she'll be gone, working during the day.

 

Oooo, maybe I can save her money on child-care, that would be helpful.

 

But sitting around all day with a baby might be depressing as well.

 

I miss my boyfriend. Maybe I should move back to Alabama early. But that may not work.

 

Hum....what to do, what to do...Oooo, I know, I'll work on my languages!!!

That would be a productive use of my time. Or I'll start taking classes, but that would probably have to wait until Fall.

 

All I know is that I'm so sleepy, I didn't want to get out of bed this morning.

 

Being here right now is a joke.

 

Oh, something else I can do, I can exercise at the gym, get myself in shape.

 

I could wait until I hear about my other job opportunities before leaving.

But sitting at a desk all day with nothing to do isn't my idea of a great time.

 

Hummm, I get my paycheck on Friday....maybe I'll wait until then.

 

I think I'll leave this Friday, we'll see.

 

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[Gracelove]

My cousin says I should just stick it out and stay with the job (I know, I have so many cousins).

 

Anywho, I reallllly didn't want to hear that. I just really wanted to leave.

 

It was getting bad because everyone is sooooo depressed about losing their jobs.

And I was feeling happy, and I felt like the unhappy mood was rubbing off on me.

 

We all know I really don't like this job.....but...I guess I'll stick with it a little longer.

 

It's really not a big deal I guess. I'm still getting money, only now, I don't really have anything to do.

 

My boss is going to teach me something new when he returns. I reallllly don't want to learn what he's going to teach me because I feel it's silly. I'm learning something that solely pertains to the running of this company....this company will be completely gone in a weeks or possibly a few months.

 

But, anywho, I think I'll take my cousin's approach to things.

It's not like I'm really at a disadvantage, I'm still getting paid.

 

But then.........I don't know. Earlier I had asked my dad, so he thought I should stay. So if I quit, I'll now hear about how he thinks it's a bad idea.

 

Then I'm worried that the longer I stay.........

 

I don't know, I kind of just feel like I should get out now...while everyone is getting out.

 

I don't want to wait around, and then they pile more responsibilities on me. Because if that happens, and then I want to leave, I think they'll be upset.

But right now, I don't really have any responsibilities. My workload is basically non-existent. So if I leave now, they can't feel like I abandoned them when they were in need, because right now they don't really need me.

There's no work.

 

But now, of course, they are looking to find me work.

 

I don't want to be here, I thought that when they shut down I could just go home.

 

But I guess I should try to be more..........um, I don't know, optimistic.

 

But who wants to feel like they are going down with the ship?

I want to be in the little rafter boat, rowing away.

 

Ahhh!!!!!!!!!!!

 

LOL! Oh well.

 

I'l just think...."you're still getting paid, you're still getting paid".

 

I don't know, and then there is......well, I'll just take my cousin's advice.

 

She was at a job that she absolutely hated with a passion, but she stuck it out.

 

Patience...I'll just learn to be more patient.

Breathe...

etc. etc.

 

Maybe I'll just pretend...pretend what....I'll pretend that............um, that....this place isn't closing??? I don't want to pretend that.

 

My cousin thinks I should wait until they, "kick me out", then apply for unemployment and take a much needed rest.

 

I don't know, I don't like that picture. What will I do on the "much needed rest"?

 

Then I'll have to think about what I'll do with my time. I'll have to be at home with my parents (ahhhhhh!!!!!).

 

I'll sit at home, watching T.V., my parents will shove food down my throat because they'll realize I'm not eating as much as they think I should. Then they'll start worrying. Then they'll give me lectures about health and life, etc. etc.

Gosh, that sounds like a nightmare!

 

Come to think of it, staying here at work may not be all that bad.

 

But then, even after thinking of all of that, I still don't want to be here.

 

Don't get me wrong, and one point I enjoyed working here, it definitely served it's purpose.

 

But then, people starting leaving, almost immediately (that should have been a sign).

 

I still liked it here though (maybe it was because it was Winter, I love Winter!).

 

Anywho, let's see....oh ya, people have been leaving in a steady stream. Then I find out about the company's reputation, and then I see the disorganization and communication problems. Okay then, I started freaking out a little bit.

 

Then I started thinking about another job, etc. etc.

 

It's hard to stay here. I don't even like the work. It has nothing to do with my major, or what I want to study in grad. school.

 

Okay, I should stop complaining. I'm grateful for this job. It gives me money. I will stay here, and be patient, until something better comes along.

 

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[Gracelove]

Okay, I'm still going to write, because I'm still bored.

 

Writing/talking makes me feel better.

 

Okay, I'm sad now. This just doesn't feel right, ya know.

 

I have that feeling, you know that feeling when you want to escape a place, but you feel like you can't?

 

I keep saying, why can't I just leave? Aren't I human? Don't I have that choice?

 

I mean, what is keeping me here?

 

I know what it is, that same thing it always is, I feel like I need approval.

 

Friends and family have told me to wait it out, but I don't want to listen!

 

So, now, I feel like I'll be a fool to leave. I feel like they'll embrace me if I stay, but not if I leave.

 

Why do I feel that way?

 

I'll...wait a minute!!! My boyfriend keeps saying that he'll know about his classes on July 4th, but that's a holiday!!!

Who would post classes on a national holiday?!

 

I just want to know, I just want to know.

 

If he...gosh..now I'm starting to feel depressed.

I don't want to feel depressed!

 

I need to breathe, this is just a job, it's just a job.

 

Right now, I feel like they are pretty much saying, "Stay until they bring in the wrecking ball".

 

I want to be soooo far gone my then. I just think this only has the possibility of getting worse.

 

I mean, right now, someone could be out there, depressed about their job. Then they make a mistake and the whole plant blows up.

 

I feel like this place is a ticking time bomb.

 

I want to take my things of the wall but my office-mate doesn't want me to, she says it'll depress us both.

 

I just want my stuff out of here.

 

I mean I don't feel safe here any more. I've never stayed somewhere there they were going to level out the building.

 

And then what if someone is so distraught about losing their job, that they go crazy?

 

I mean, someone may be out there wanting to take revenge out on the company.

 

Gosh!!! I mean don't companies usually have people evaluated, ya know, therapists people can talk to....opps, nevermind, that's for companies that actually make a profit.

 

Oooo, low blow.

 

Gosh, I'm sooooooooo bored.

I feel unsafe here now.

 

I know I have no interest working here, what about the people working with all of those hazardous chemicals? What are they doing right now?

 

What am I going to do with myself? I think I'll croche. Is that how you spell it?

 

I'm soooooo sleepy.

 

I can't even get overtime now because I have no excuse.

 

Oooo, maybe the new work my boss will give me, maybe it'll be a lot.

Then I can get lots of overtime.

 

So many thoughts....running through my head....la la la la la.........

 

Alabama, do I realllly want to live in Alabama??? Hummmmm, well I guess it's not that bad.

 

I miss the rain, I love it when it's cloudy and overcast, and cold!!!!

 

If it were cold and cloudy until this place closed, I think I'd be content. More patient, more relaxed.

 

Ooo, I know. I'll pretend that I have my own place. And after work I can go home, and talk on the phone, and eat and sleep without anyone bothering me.

 

If I had that I'm sure I'd be so dedicated to work, simply because I'd want to preserve that lifestyle.

 

I think that maybe I need to use my imagination more.

 

But seriously, I'm so sleepy, I've been yawning all day long.

 

That's what I forgot about. Whenever I'm on anti-depressants I yawn constantly. Isn't that weird? I can't help it.

I wonder what that's about. If I would have remembered about the yawning I don't think I would have started taking the medicine again.

 

I want to talk a nap. Gosh, I have 3 1/2 more hours. I only came in a little early today.

 

Maybe I'll just close my eyes for a little while.

 

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[Gracelove]

I am soooooooooo sleepy!!! I did not want to wake up this morning despite going to bed early.

 

I want to sleep right now.

 

I'm thinking maybe it's because I had to increase the dose of the medicine I'm taking. Which is normal, you usually increase (double it) the medicine after a week.

 

But the really, really low dose was working so well for me.

 

I don't want to be sleepy all of the time like I was last time.

 

I'm so tired. It's ridiculous. I don't like this side of the medicine.

 

Anywho, I should be taking a nap right now.

 

I was really hoping that when they closed they would immediately send everyone home. That way I could be sleeping right now.

 

That's another reason my boyfriend didn't really want me on medicine again, because I was always worn out.

 

Oh well, maybe I'll get off again, later. When things are going better, more settled.

 

I guess I'll search the internet now.

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[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh guys!!!! God is soooo good to me!

 

I went to my friend's wedding tonight and it was soooo wonderful!!!

 

I saw so many people that I've known in the past.

I have a new friend! Her name is K. Oh my gosh, she is soooo sweet! And absolutely gorgeous!

 

Anywho, she said that she'll take me out and introduce me to some other girls! She said we'll go out for dinner and movies, and other girl stuff.

 

I'm so excited! I really needed that, ya know. All of my friends live so far away, and I'm all alone.

 

I'm so happy! I feel soooo much better.

 

I don't know, K. is just so enthusiastic and happy and lively. We've known each for a while.

She was older than me so we were in different groups, but when we were around each other we always got along so well.

 

And the wedding so beautiful!!!

 

Anywho, I'm feeling really good right now. It has been so long since I've had girl night.

 

I just needed to get away from things, my world ya know.

 

Going to a wedding and being around so many wonderful people, was like being in another world.

 

I didn't feel uncomfortable or self-conscious at all!!!!

 

That was a shocker. I actually had fun. I realllly needed that.

I get so scared sometimes, and so wrapped up in my own world that I don't have any fun.

 

Anywho, I better do something else. I feel like I'm going to cry.

 

You know, I just feel so blessed. So much goes on, and......I just don't enjoy life like I should, and tonight I did.

 

I am so grateful to Jesus. It's like I'll be feeling down, and he always finds a way to cheer me up.

 

It's like, I can't help but cry. You know, because I feel so undeserving.

But I really, really am grateful....for tonight and every other wonderful thing he has given me and done for me.

 

Thanks for listening guys!

I truly appreciate all of your support as well.

 

Sincerely,

 

Grace

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