:)

[Gracelove]

I've been so depressed lately. But if a breakdown comes, it just comes.

 

I'm tired of trying to fight it.

 

I've decided to stop looking for a second job.

 

I have more than enough work at my current job, espicially since they keep adding to my duties.

 

The company is extremely understaffed, so I'll just work overtime.

 

I hate sitting in front of a computer all day but.......I'll just exercise and stretch in the late afternoons, that should help.

 

So ya, this will be my second job.

 

Anywho, I wish I weren't so depressed. I don't have energy to contain everything anymore. I just can't do ____ anymore.

I'm just going to live day to day and whatever happens, happens.

 

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[Gracelove]

I am so sick and tired of hearing about rape! It's disgusts me. I don't care if what I'm saying doesn't make sense.

 

i mean, I hate it!

 

And I'm upset! I think I'm finally realizing that this is going to be apart of my life forever, and I'm angry about it.

 

This lady I was talking to........she's up in age and she still deals with it.

 

This is a curse! And it's not fair!

 

I mean, I think I've been good. I've been rational. I've been "working through" it.

 

But what's the point!?! What's the point, if it doesn't go away!!!

 

I feel like I've been violated all over again.

How long can I deal with this?! I can't deal with this forever!!!

 

I don't want to be the rape victim forever!!!

 

I hate hearing the word rape! I hate everything about it. This must go away! Why does it have to be apart of my life forever?!

 

I haven't done anything wrong.

 

All my life I obeyed my parents and did what was right. I wasn't promiscuous or anything.

 

And then they send me off to college, the supposed "best time of my life", and I get crusified!!!!

 

I'm soooooooooooooooooo angry! It's not fair! I can't keep my head above water anymore, this is never going to end!

 

How in the hell am I supposed to have any sort of life? How? I can't live anymore! I'm dead. This isn't a life anymore.

 

I want to be able to do things I used to do...watch Dateline and law in order and not have to worry about "rape" being the subject matter.

 

I can't take this anymore, I just can't!!!

 

I can't have this be apart of my life anymore. I don't want this to be apart of my history anymore.

 

I'm tired of this whole entire thing! It's been a little over a year and I'm already exhausted, how am I supposed to make it any further than this?

 

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[Gracelove]

As a little girl I always thought my parents would pay for my wedding.

 

Of course that, along with many other things in my life has changed.

 

I don't mind paying for my wedding.

 

It's just that my parents raised me believeing that money wasn't an issue when it came to the things I desired.

 

I was home-schooled, so like many of my peers I never got into fashion, or anything else that costs a lot of money.

 

I don't know, I guess I just wish they weren't so critical of me.

 

I feel like they always point out my flaws and never acknowledge their own.

 

Anyways, those girlhood dreams are now gone, I won't be having a big wedding because I can't afford one.

 

My mom would pay for my wedding if I had it when she wanted and the way she wanted.

 

Of course she wants me to get married two years from now, that's not happening.

 

My mom is who she is. I love her, but now that I'm older I see her for who she is, and to be quite honest it's a big disappointment.

 

I thought she was all of these wonderful and pure things. I thought she was fair. I thought that she was the type of person she raise me to be.

But she's not. She's extremely controlling and if she doesn't get her way, there's hell to pay,

Of course I've always known this, so this isn't a surprise.

 

I just never knew that she would try to keep me from developing into my own person. She wants me to be just like her.

 

I'm just so angry and so disappointed with everything in my life now.

 

And in the past few years it's been really hard to deal with the fact that my parents lie to me again and again.

 

I just want to be so far away from them. I want my chance, my opportunity to heal.

 

I don't know, maybe I just need to tell my boyfriend that we've got to face reality. But it's so hard.

 

I know he wants to leave Alabama, and I can't blame him. He's been there his whole life.

I know how it is to desperately need a change of environment.

 

He wants to live in California.

But it's going to be so stressful for me. If he doesn't get a job right away, I'll have to work two jobs to support us. I can't do that.

I have so much I'm trying to cope with.

 

I don't want to become angry or resentful.

 

I mean, this will be our first year of marriage, I don't want to be stressed.

Where I live it's sooooo expense.

 

He's my boyfriend, and I love him a lot. I trust him on certain things, but not in others.

 

I mean are we even mature enough to get married??? I think we are but, look at my problems.

He has his own set of problems I know.

 

I don't want to be bothered with my parents. Once I get out of here, I'm not going to want to talk with them for a while.

 

All of this is tooooo much. And I'm not getting the help I need.

According to my mom, that's all my fault.

 

So, everything is my fault, all of it, how do they expect me to live like that?

I can't.

 

I know it's not my fault.

 

I can take responsibility for things that I've done wrong, fine, but the rape and this aftermath is not my fault.

 

The abusive relationship.....dating him was my fault, him stalking me wasn't.

 

My mother never apologizes for anything.

 

My boyfriend.......he's desperate. He's desperate for a change. He has done so much for me. I'll try to wait for him. Stay out here.

 

But it's hard on me. Sometimes I just want to throw it all away, and sometimes I do think of killing myself..........but I won't.

 

I just wish I had help.

 

There was a time when I thought my parents would always be there for me, to take care of me, to make things better.

 

But they'd rather blame me, because I'm here and my rapist is not.

I guess I'm the only one they can take it out on.

 

But I'm only human.

 

I'm younger than they are, what makes them think I can take so much more than they can?

 

Sometimes I want to die so badly. Leave all of this mess behind, have no worries.

 

I never thought my parents would blame me. The way they justify it is, they don't blame me for the rape, they blame me for not being better.

 

Sometimes I don't think they know what they do to me. They claim they want me better, but they take an active part in ripping me apart.

 

I think I'll go to my room now. I'm feeling a little sad.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Orlando Bloom is so sexy!!!

I don't know why I'm just now noticing it.

 

Anywho, I started my period. For some reason the depression,etc. gets soooooo bad right before my period.

 

At one point I thought I might be on my period, but it didn't come, but today it's here.

So I guess that means I'm not completely losing it. I'm still doing pretty well.

 

I wish there was a way to just take medicine for a few months, and be off of it by the time I get married.

But that probably isn't possible.

 

I don't know, when I was on that medicine I was always completely exhausted, wiped out.

I even got into that car accident while on that medicine.

 

Anywho, I have already called my doctor though....

 

I'll just go with the flow. I'm thinking of going to work tomorrow. I can get rid of all that extra paperwork, and make some more money. Now that they've given me a working gate clicker fixed I can go to work whenever.

 

I've written down some wedding things to cheer me up.

I'm unsure of whether I'll just elope (without my parents) or invite a few people.

 

I mean, on one hand it would be so nice to do our own thing.

 

On the other hand it would be more exciting with family and friends. The pictures would be more worth it.

 

But I keep thinking, what if I'm not happy on my wedding day?

What if my mom say or does someone to upset me.

 

Maybe it should just be the two of us.

 

My boyfriend is on the phone.

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm so excited!!!!

 

I'm going to have a big wedding, the wedding of my dreams!!!

 

Ahhh!!!!!!!!!

 

My parents are going to pay for my wedding!

 

It will be a year and a half from now, but that's okay. It takes sooooo much stress off of me.

 

I'm still getting married in Dec., but I'm eloping.

 

Ahhh!!! I feel sooooooooo good, I was feeling soo badly ya know.

 

And in the back of my head I kept thinking, if I hadn't been raped my parents would pay for my wedding.

 

Because I think they are really concerned about me, and then they have paid out a lot of extra money for therapy and things. I just knew that if they saw me as their perfect little girl again, and not their emotionally wrecked child, they would pay for my wedding.

 

I don't know, I just feel redeemed.

I feel like, I still have a chance at having the life I've wanted, the one I've always dreamed of.

 

I don't know, a HUGE stress has been lifted off of my shoulders!

 

I don't have that pressure anymore. I can sign the papers, celebrate, and be legally married.

I don't have to worry about all of the extra expense.

 

This is soooo good!

 

I feel, free. I mean I've been putting soooo much pressure on myself. The rings....the ceremony...everyone else...

 

But it's okay now. And the rape......I don't even want to think about it. I mean, I barely ever really think about the actual rape.

Although I am well aware that the emotional symptoms I'm dealing with are due to the rape.

 

I called the WYMCA, and they have programs, free counseling......

 

I don't want to think about it.

 

If I have to live with this part of my past forever......then, I don't want to constantly think about it as well.

 

The medicine......well, I don't really need it. Now that my period has started I'm not as depressed.

 

I can always order the medicine and just save it or something.

 

I don't know, I'm going to be settled! That, I'm so happy about! In one place, with both of my cats, and my new husband.

 

It'll all be okay.

 

I've been complaining about my job and everything, really I should just be happy to have one.

 

My cousin believes that I should stay there at least a year. She had a job she hated with a passion, she was a manager actually, but she stuck with it.

 

The company I work for.........their reputation is on shaky ground right now.

 

But you know.....there is no need for me to rush and look for a new job. I should take my time.

 

I think all of the pressure I've put on myself has made things difficult.

 

I've been freaking out, and......I don't know.

I should just relax. I have a job right now, so I should take my time and really research my dream job.

 

Then I should apply and go on an interview, maybe I should hand in the application in person, as well as via internet.

 

I just feel so much better.

 

I know people say the rape isn't your fault, and logically I know it isn't my fault....but, you can't help but feel "less than".

 

I mean, and you have to bare all of the consequences of the rape, so why wouldn't you think it's your fault?

It's only natural.

Usually you're punished for the things you do wrong. But with rape you're punished for what the other person has done wrong.

 

Oh well, I feel better today.

I'm happy about that.

 

I'm going to have a wedding!!!! I can't believe it. I've lost so much because of the rape. Now I'm getting something back.

 

Thanks you Jesus!!!

 

I'm happy.

 

 

 

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[Gracelove]

Okay, I called Bianca. She's the girl who is......well, not a good friend.

Actually she can be an absolutely horrible friend (liar, back-stabber, more like an enemy).

 

She keeps calling, so I just called her back.

 

I've been debating whether or not I should have anything at all to do with her.

 

I don't know, today I called..............

 

I guess, it's just..I've known her so long, and I know she can be really bad, but on the other hand she seems a little helpless. And I have a bad habit of wanting to help people who seem helpless.

 

Anywho, I think I'll lay down now.

 

Thanks for listening!!!

 

~Grace

 

Oh my gosh!!! LOL! She's leaving a message on my answering machine right now.

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm watching this show on MTV called "college hill", and it's soooo depressing!

 

People are cheating on their significant others, well, one person actually.

 

I don't know, there is just something about the show that is depressing, but it's interesting at the same time.

 

Maybe I just think that something really bad will happen. I just think it's a bad idea to have men and women living together like that.

 

How can anyone, well any woman, feel comfortable with sharing a house with random men?

Scary.

 

Anywho, I don't quite know what to do with myself at the moment.

 

I'm on my period, so I guess it's understandable that I'm in a weird kind of mood.

 

I don't know, on this show, this guy cheated on his girlfriend, so it makes me think how I would feel if my significant other cheated on me.

 

It would be soooo sad. I wouldn't break up with him, because I love him. My mother always told me, "all men cheat", so I'm aware that it's foolish to throw away a good man if he makes a mistake.

 

I don't know, my boyfriend and I are just alike, we aren't cheaters, so it's not something I often think about.

 

And then, I'm sleepy. I think I'm a little down because of my weight also.

 

I've stopped eating bread, so now all that I have to do is wait.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me right now. I don't even know how to describe how I feel.

 

I just don't want my parents to come home and say too much to me, because I'm feeling vunerable right now.

 

I haven't really eaten because there's no meat in the house really, except for beef jerky.

 

I'm sad, I don't know why I'm watching this show, it definitely reminds me of college, all of the drama.

 

In college I knew and was friendly with mostly everyone, but I had a close circle of friends. Most of the people I got along with I definitely wouldn't hang out with.

 

I'm in a very weird state right now, I don't know what to do or how i'll change it.

 

One minute I'm happy and clear-headed, and the next minute I'm down and confused.

 

I don't want medicine though.

 

I think I should stop watching television, because I think it just depresses me......but then I don't want to stop watching television at the moment.

 

Earlier today I didn't mind being away from my boyfriend at all. I'm so used to being away from him now. I was thinking about my apartment and how I'll decorate it.

I was thinking about clothes, just everything, being smaller.

 

I feel comfortable enough now, to say that I used to have an eating disorder.

I don't like saying that because I didn't feel that it was that serious.

 

But you can imagine how hard it is to go from one side of the coin to the other.

 

I think seeing these smaller sized people on television makes me more aware of my current size.

 

It's embarrasing because I still have the mindset of a person with an eating disorder to a certain extent.

 

Gaining weight was necessary for me. If I didn't have food to help me it would have been alcohol. And I couldn't drink while I was on medicine.

So I would have had to choose between food and medicine, or alcohol.

 

Anywho, no matter how I got here, I'm here now.

 

My mind is clearer than before, clear enough to realize how big I really am.

 

It's hard to deal with.

 

I guess I just have my moments when.....I can say I'm not happy with where I currently am.

 

The process seems to be so slow.

 

I just had a thought, if my husband wants to go to an ivy league school, how are we going to pay for that?

 

I don't want to get on medicine again, but sometimes I worry I might need it to survive, to have a decent life.

 

How am I going to do this?

Sometimes I feel so hopeless.

 

I know I'm not perfect, and may never be....but I'm further away from perfection than I've ever been.

 

I mean I'm fat. And I know it may sound stupid to other people that weight means so much to me, but I'm not happy this way.

 

I'm being patient. I've gone without bread before and I lost weight pretty quickly, I try to encourage myself by reminding myself of that.

 

It's hard not to freak out though.

 

Oh, my boyfriend is on the phone.....

 

....okay we're off of the phone now, I started crying, I just couldn't help it.

 

Sometimes I can't help to feel like damaged goods.

 

But I'm fighting the medicine thing. Medicine can be good because it seems to tone down my emotions.

But I don't want medicine to ruin my relationship, my marriage.

My husband will need me to be present.

 

I don't know, I was more suicidal on medicine also.

 

At a time, I definitely needed it because I was pretty much a vegetable. But that time is over, and I don't want it anymore.

I don't want anymore problems. I don't want anyone thinking I'm a burden anymore.

I don't want that.

 

I have to live somewhere, I have to be accepted by someone. Someone who truly, truly knows me. Other people don't matter as much.

But I can't take the people I love most, and those who love me.....I can't take them giving up on me.

Or looking down on me.

I didn't want these issues or problems. I'm trying not to be sad, but sometimes it just comes.

 

I don't know how to make it stop, without killing myself inside.

If I don't let it out, and I keep it in, I know it will just destroy me.

 

I mean, should I always be in a corner? Lock myself alone in a room? Sometimes I want to be comforted, I want to know that I'm not alone.

But I don't want to depress everyone else in the process.

 

I don't know what to do.

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[Gracelove]

I found some fish and vegetables, so I'm happy about that.

 

Oooo, this guy on television is cheating, and he's totally being mean to his girlfriend!!!

He told her that she had an attitude and he didn't like her tone and she needs to change it.

CAn you believe that?!

She sounded the same way she always sounds.

And on top of that, in case he's forgotten, he cheated on her. He's luckly she's still with him!

 

He's going to throw away a 3 year relationship on a 2 month fling?!

Well, in that case.......bu-bye.

 

It wouldn't be so bad if he didn't start being mean to her for no reason.

 

Why are some people like that? They do something wrong and then they take out their anger on the person they've wronged. It doesn't make any sense, LOL.

 

Oh well, like my grandmother used to say, "It takes all kind of people to make up the world".

 

Well, I'm off to eat.

 

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[Gracelove]

I ate the corn, it was so good. But I can't eat the fish, it doesn't taste very good.

 

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[Gracelove]

I don't want to give my kitten away, I love her, but sometimes I feel I could really do it.

 

I'm tired of cleaning up crap off of the carpet. I mean, that's the whole point of having a cat...no mess.

 

Am I really going to be able to tolerate it?

 

I mean I think I'll feel sooooo guilty, and sad if she's not around. Like I just traded her in for a better model, and it'll hurt me.

 

Because I know I'm not perfect.

But when I have children, am I still going to be cleaning cat crap off of the floor?

I don't think I'll have the patience.

 

I feel really bad, I'm unsure of what to do.

 

I think I know inside that I can't give her away, but right now, I reallllllllly realllllllllllly want to.

 

And then the vet my dad took her to......did a bad job with her spade. I mean there is blood leaking out, there is a slit in the skin.

It's a sloppy job.

 

But I can't say anything because I didn't take her to my vet quickly enough.

 

What am I going to do.

 

I mean, she's a smelly cat also.

 

I don't want to take her to the humane society, because they'll kill her if she isn't adopted soon enough. I know that don't do that in every state, but in this state they do.

 

I don't know, she smells up the entire house, and we have a decent size home.

 

She has such beautiful eyes. Maybe I should ask for advice in the general forum.

 

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[Gracelove]

This College Hill show really sucks.

It's nothing but constant bickering.

 

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[Gracelove]

I am sooooooooo tired.

 

I want a new job, but I'm afraid of the transition period. I keeping wondering if I should keep this job.

Like maybe it would be good to keep this job, for stability while I'm dealing with everything else.

 

But then the company is a wreck and I think it will eventually go down in flames.

 

Then I don't want to have to go through a probation period with another job.

 

So many decisions.

 

This job, my current one, would be perfect if I was in school.

And I have a great boss where I currently work.

I can talk on the phone if I'd like, and I can come in when I'd like.........

 

but then I want more exercise. I want a job that doesn't require me to sit in one place all day long.

I don't mind being on time, or working 8hrs. every single day, that's how all of my other jobs have been, and I like that.

 

I'm just trying to decide whether I should go for more money or not.

I need more money, I'm worth a lot more than I'm being paid.

I wouldn't mind the low pay if the company was in good standing, if it had a great reputation...if the buildings were nice.

 

I'm just kind of winging it right now.

 

If I work, I want to work for the better of the company. This company is in so much crap...it's so far gone, I think any work and effort I contribute to the company will be an ultimate waste.

 

Oh well, I've been looking at graduate programs.

 

I think I should be happy going to work everyday.

Every other job, I've enjoyed. I've enjoyed going to work, working with people, socializing with people. At this job, everything is so dead.

 

I'm afraid to take on a new challenge. To go somewhere new, re-adjust.

I don't know if now is the best time.

But part of me thinks I should try.

If things become to over-whelming I can always rely on the medicine.

 

Oh well, I think I'll look for jobs now.

 

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[Gracelove]

I just spoke with my therapist. It was helpful.

 

I stayed home from work, sick, today.

 

I'm...I'm desperate. Desperate for things to change.

I see a psychiatrist (sp?) on Monday. I'll probably start a round of medicine. I need help.

 

My therapist believes that the way I'm feeling may not just be due to my depression, but because I'm dealing with difficult situations period, and it's normal to feel the way I'm feeling.

 

 

I've been so stressed I haven't been showing my kitten love that way I should be. I haven't been rubbing her or playing with her that often.

 

She so sweet and loving.

 

I just want out. I worry about how my boyfriend will feel about me being on medicine.....will he give up? I'm so scared.

 

But I think I need the medicine, just so I can function, so I can make it.

 

I'm so depressed I feel like crying.

 

I just don't, know what to do.

I'm having weird thoughts, I'm scattered.

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm so exhausted, I feel like crying.

 

My bestfriend and I had a misunderstanding. Everything is fine now, but I'm just exhausted, it still had an effect.

 

I found myself feeling really annoyed, but I guess that's over now that everything is cleared up.

 

I just don't need more drama.

 

And then there is a lady at work who is so rude and she gets on my last nerve.

 

My boss says that he usually just lets her vent, and then tells her, "ya, but I still need it".

He's so sweet.

 

But I am not going to let that woman vent at me over something that is her own fault.

 

I called her reminding her that she needed to turn something in ( a part of one of my new duties). And she basically hung up in my face.

Which, by the way, is a really stupid thing to do. Espicially since she needs me to help her with her work.

 

Of course later on in the day she was blowing up my phone because she wanted something. Did I answer it???? Ummm, no.

 

I don't know, I've had my safety comprimised quite frequently in the past. And since I already think this lady is off her hinges, I am aware of the possibility that she may come barging into my office one day.

 

I know that is something she wouldn't want to make the mistake of doing, but nevertheless, I must be prepared.

 

And now, I'm going to have to call her every single day until she gets her crap done.

 

I rather just send her an e-mail, or her not pick up the phone when I call.

 

Because if she keeps hanging up in my face.........things are going to get really unpleasant for her because I'm really short on patience right now.

 

Oh my mom's home, wait one moment.........

 

Okay, I'm back.

 

Anywho, I think I'm not going to sweat about work. Yesterday while talking to my therapist I realized how down I was about the condition of the company I'm currently working for.

 

I have issues in every other area of my life it seems. I didn't want to have trouble in the work place also.

 

And although it's nothing personal, or related to the work I do daily, seeing how disorganized everything is made me feel hopeless.

 

I know that the department I'm in is under-staffed, but I didn't realize the scale of problems in every department.

 

One more incident and the company may close down.

 

I don't know.........I guess I'm just disappointed. The company barely makes any money at all.

 

Anywho, that's neither here nor there. It's pretty much a nice work environment, everyone is friendly (with the exception of a few people).

 

I'm still going to apply for jobs elsewhere.................I just need to eliminate stress.

 

I've been thinking about paying for my wedding ring in phases, it's a 3-set ring.

 

I think that maybe I shouldn't pay for it all at once, maybe my boyfriend and I should get settled first.

 

I mean, he'll have to pay for the engagement ring, but I'll pay for the two bands.

 

If we're married we're in the same boat together anyways.

 

Besides, I want to get my cute wardrobe (sp?) together first. I always want to look my best.

 

Then there is his ring...........

Our rings alone will cost $15,000 that's a bit of money. I mean with credit cards we don't have to pay them off all at once, but still.........

 

But then maybe it's best to get things up front, otherwise you may never get them.

 

I'll just continue to save.

 

We'll see how things go.

 

I mean, the engagement ring is his thing.

I'll be paying for his ring.

I really shouldn't even be paying for the bands, but I don't want him to be too overwhelmed.

 

Who knows, it'll all work out.

 

But will it work out while I'm spending money on therapy??? Probably not.

I won't really be able to afford therapy right away.

That'll have to wait.

 

I mean I hate starting and stoping therapy, or going to someone new............I have to re-tell eveything all over again.

 

But now I'm starting to think that maybe it isn't so bad. I don't like talking about rape, so maybe it's good that I have to talk about it sometimes.

 

Even in therapy I don't talk about rape, only sometimes when referrencing things.

 

Usually I talk about things that bother me now, issues I'm having.

 

It's like, first there was the abuse,

*and then there was the stalking

*I tried to grieve that, but that went all out of the picture when

*the rape came.

I mean who cares about abuse or stalking when you have rape to deal with.

*And then out goes the rape and in comes the disorders.

 

It's like, next, next, next.........what else is coming my way?

 

Ya, so I guess the rape isn't that important anymore. But the rape caused the disorders so I still have to acknowledge it to a certain extent.

 

I would love to forget that I was raped.

I mean, just the fact that it happened. It's unpleasant and I hate it, I want it to be in the past, no longer affect my future.

 

So what happens now?

 

Do I have to work backwards?

*Work through the disorders

*Then deal with the rape

*Then with the stalking

*Then with the abuse?

 

I don't quite know. I don't quite care at the moment. I'm just tired.

 

Really I'm trying to decide whether or not I'm going to take this medicine again.

 

Sometimes I feel I realllly need it, and other times I don't

 

On the up and up I'm feeling better about my kitten. I love her so much.

She'll just have to get a bath reallly frequently. And I'll have to be an automatic-cleaning kitty litter box.

 

I love her! We'll work it out.

 

She's so cute. She can't help it she has problems. She's so full of love and happiness. I don't want me to give her away so someone else can put her down.

 

Besides, even though I really want to give her away sometimes, I know that giving her away would kill me inside.

Once I'm attached, it's hard to let go.

 

Oh well, off I go....

 

Thanks so much for listening!

~Grace

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

It's such a beautiful day today!!!!

 

I got up sooo early, and am so energized!!! I'm at work right now and I feel great!!!

 

There's something so wonderful about waking up before everyone else, you have time to find peace before the day starts.

 

I'm really missing having scales in the house. I realllly want to know how much I weigh.

 

I guess that'll have to wait. Maybe living without scales is healthy for me on some level. A way to break the obssesion.

 

Well, thanks for listening!!!

 

I hope everyone has a beautiful day!

 

With love always,

 

Grace

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Grace's Music

 

Music changes as the year's pass, and I keep coming accross songs that I really loved but totally forgot about.

 

So I've decided to keep track of all of my favorite song (or songs that I'm just fond of), so that I'll always have something pleasant to listen to.

 

Ocean Avenue

~ Yellowcard

One thing

~ Amerie

Greenlight

~ Beyonce

Hips Don't lie

~ Shakira

Alive with the Glory of love

~

Sunday Morning

~ Maroon 5

Don't stop

~ Red Hot Chilli peppers

Hands Clean

~ Alanis Moresette

Umbrella

~ Rihanna

My idiot Boyfriend

~ Jimmy Fallon

Fast Cars

~ Tracey Chapman

Remind Me

~ Royksopp

Hunter

~ Dido

Unwritten (my theme song)

~ Natasha Bedginfield

Got to Get through this

~ Daniel Bedingfield

What is love

~ Hardaway

Fortunate

~ Maxwell

Sweet like Chocolate (discovered on my England trip)

~ Shanks and Bigfoot

Lost without you

~ Robin Thicke

Makes Me Wonder full

~Maroon 5

You give me Something

~Jamiroquai

*ANYTHING BY LINKIN PARK

*ANYTHING BY EVANESCENCE

 

Smells Like Teen Spirit

~ Nirvana

[Gracelove]

Reserved for music.....

[Gracelove]

I'm nervous about getting married.

 

I know I'll lose this weight by then. I'll probably become slightly rebellious, because I'll be angry.

 

I know myself pretty well.

 

After losing the weight I'll have nothing else to direct my angry-energy towards.

 

And I'll be upset because I'll be thin and still unhappy.

 

I just don't know what I'll do. What I'll do with the extra anger.

Will I become a party freak? Will I go to night clubs, just to show that I'm not afraid, in a spirit of defiance.

 

I don't know what I'll do, and I'm scared.

I love my boyfriend so much, but it's obvious I'm not well.

 

What will I rage against? I think in many cases I've been hesitant about losing the weight because I won't have anything else to rage against.

 

What am I going to do with that anger? I'm sure I might become self-destructive, but I won't have the luxury of doing that if I'm in a marriage.

 

I don't know what I'll do.

What will I do?

 

I've been angry before, because of the assault.....my parents didn't like me very well because I would lash out against them.

 

Who will I lash out against? No matter how angry or upset I am, no person can ever really take that away from me.

 

I've hidden the anger, I've needed to, so that I can continue to live with my parents.........before I got really angry, I let all of my feelings out...I was so upset...it became distress and sadness and before I knew it I was in a psyche ward. I don't want to go there again.

 

The aftermath of rape is horrible, you're so messed up that no one truly wants you.

 

Who will I have to morphe into so that my marriage will last?

 

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

This evening, I was doing something....then I thought of something.

 

It wasn't that long ago, when my dad was freaking out about me not eating.

He was calling family friends who lived in the same town where my college was.

 

He was soooo worried.

 

I don't know........that was something. I wasn't eating after the assault, it's just....thinking of my dad being worried and sad, it's hard.

 

He was so worried about me not eating, and not eating was the least of my problems.

 

Now of course things are soooo different. I've gained so much weight, but I'm confident it'll go away.

 

I think it's good that my mom removed the scales from the house. It think it's helping in breaking my obsession. I mean, I know that my obsession may never completely go away, but I think it can be controlled.

 

I tell you, it's hard being this size when having the mentality of a person with an eating disorder.

 

You know, part of me wonders if the medicine surpressed my obsessive side. I noticed that I stopped playing songs, over and over again, until they were played out (prior to medicine I'd play a song 50 times in a row if not more).

 

Family and friends blamed the medicine for my weight gain. I didn't agree......but maybe in surpressing my obsessive side, it got rid of that voice in my head that keeps me small, monitors my weight.

 

It's been hard to admit that I'm still not over that part of my life.

I mean.....at times in the past, if someone would have told me that I had a possibility of being this size in the future......my response would have been, "No way! I'd kill myself first!"

 

How do I deal with this. To be quite honest, I know I'll just embrace my old habits.

I've made progress, I no longer binge on a daily basis. I think I'm over the, "medicating myself with food" phase.

I'm over that now.

 

I don't know, I just feel like crying.

 

I'm definitely going to embrace my old habits. It's the only way I really know how to lose this weight quickly.

 

I haven't gained weight, I can tell by the way my clothes fit.

 

I exercised today, so I'm proud of that.

I've always wanted to be a beautiful bride, and I won't let anything ruin that.

 

But I'm afraid, who will be there to catch me when I fall?

 

Chances of me having another breakdown are pretty high, espicially after investing all of this energy in losing weight.

 

Who's going to be there to comfort me when I'm crying.

 

Seeing me cry, breaks my boyfriends heart....I don't want to depress him.

 

What am I going to do?

 

How am I going to make it?

How?

How will I do this? I don't know how.

 

I don't want to run myself ragged. The pain is still there. I'm doing my best to change everything else, but the pain is still so strong.

And I hate to cry. But sometimes I can't help it.

 

I know I've survived a lot, but I feel like such a failure.

It takes a lot to look in the mirror each day.

 

How did I get here? I know how I got here, I just wish it didn't happen.

And sometimes I ask, "why did it happen to me?"

I don't think I really want to know.

 

It's just the lot I was given.

 

I blame myself for being stupid, for being gullible.

 

But maybe it's so that I can protect my children. Maybe good can come of it.

 

How do I tell myself that I'm worthy of love. The experience, that thing that happened, it....the whole thing, it just makes you feel so low, unworthy.

 

Well, I guess today's that day, the day I cry.

 

I just help thinking of the way I felt. It's almost like you become invisible, an immediate ghost.

 

It was so awful.

 

And my mom has told someone else about it. I think the person she told is a gossiper (sp?)

 

I don't even think I really care anymore.

I want privacy, but it doesn't really matter who knows. It doesn't change anything.

 

How did my life end up here? I was such an obedient child, I did what my parents wanted.

 

I don't regret them sheltering me as a child, I think it was a good thing..but....

 

There nothing I can do, and I just want the pain to leave, to go away, I'm tired of carrying it.

 

I'm always saying I'm tired, and I truly am, but most of the time it's not physical. Sometimes I just get so tired of life.

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I'm so sad right now. This really sucks.

 

I just feel like I now have a broken family and it's all my fault. All because I'm hurting.

 

It would be nice to blame the rapist, but in real life it doesn't happen that way.

 

He came and went, and all that's left is.....what we've got left.

 

I used to have such a happy family. It's hard not to feel that it's not all my fault.

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh, I have sooo many thoughts on my mind!

 

My boyfriend finds out his class schedule on Monday. That means that I'll find out whether I'll be living in California or Alabama.

 

Just a side note...I think the birth control I've recently started taking, is controling my mood big time.

I feel more snappy.

 

Anywho, I can't wait to find out!!! I kind of think I may be living in Alabama again.

 

I'm really kind of excited because I think I'll be less stressed.

 

I mean, I'll be really excited if we can live out here also, I'm just concerned about the cost of living.

 

And then I was thinking, what if we get less expensive rings now, and the more expensive ones later, for the big wedding 2 years from now (a year and a half from December).

 

Oh, you know what?! I can get his ring, now. My ring is the most expensive.

 

I can get the two bands, and then we can both save for the expensive engagement ring............

 

Well, I don't know, it'll work itself out. I don't want much stress in the first year of marriage.

 

To be honest, I'll be so happy we're together I don't think the ring will matter much.

 

I'm just so excited about decorating our home.

 

I don't know, I'm glad I've had some of the experiences I've had.

 

I went from thinking that money was not really an object when it came to my parents (my mother told me so)...........to realizing that we weren't as well off as I had thought.

 

I mean so much else was going on in my personal life, that I guess I didn't realize how much the change in finances affected me.

 

It was a big change actually.

 

Now, I've grown up. The constant financial support I once received from my parents....it's pretty much gone. Although I grately appreciate them paying off my student loans, that's huge.

 

I don't know, aside from that I'm on my own now. Things are much different, I have to support myself.

 

Although my mother stills gives me the money-shouldn't-be-an-issue speech, every now and then, it's irritating because I don't believe it to be the truth.

 

Money is a big thing.

And when you don't have enough of it, like most college students........you learn how to focus on the basics, not be so extravagant.

 

My parents did a great thing. When I was younger they decided that they never wanted money to be an issue in my life. They decided that if they went into debt, so be it, they would never tell me that I couldn't have something because there wasn't enough money.

 

Actually, I'm pretty grateful for that.

 

It worked pretty well. I never lived like a "spoiled rich kid", I never really asked my parents for anything. They always just gave to me freely.

 

I was never into designer clothes, video games, etc.

 

Actually I think that's because I was home-schooled. I think that made all of the difference.

 

And where we live also, I was always able to see nature, had a lot of peace and quite (when the other kids went home at the end of the day).

 

Actually I had a very nice childhood, safe and happy.

 

I don't want to have children unless I can provide the same for them.

 

My parents have made soooo many sacrifices. My mother opened her own school, just so that I would have a good education, and could have other kids to play with.

 

I don't know, maybe I should focus on childhood more often, I have happy memories there.

 

And then my grandmother, she was sooooo loving! We had so much fun together.

 

Sometimes I wonder where my mother got her critical side from.........

 

Anywho, I know my mother is so loving. I'm sure she'll be the same with my children.

 

My parents are older than the parents of most other people my age.

 

But they are in really good shape, so hopefully they'll be around for a while.

 

I don't know, life is difficult. I shouldn't think of so many things at once.

 

Then there is the matter of health insurance. My boyfriend doesn't have any, but I do.

He'll get some once he gets his degree but....it would be so easy if he just came here, I could add him right on.

 

Then I know the perfect dentist out here, the perfect chruch. We would have a lot of help and support here.

We could be so happy here.

There is so much to do here.

 

If he doesn't graduate this semester, he definitely wants me to come to Alabama to be with him.

 

I just keep thinking of how much more money I could make if I stayed here and waited for him.

 

I could save so much more.

 

But then, am I really going to want to wait? I think I'll miss him too much.

I don't know, I think I've been grumpy lately.

 

He always tells me he loves me, and I to the same. He says it constantly, and it means a lot to me.

I find myself getting annoyed lately. I don't know if it's the birth control, the fact that hearing him say it so much makes it harder to be away from him, or....I'm just irritable period right now.

 

I have up days and down days and sometimes the ride is shearly exhausting and frustrating.

 

What am I going to do about the money?

 

I don't know if my mom is going to make me leave home in September. If my boyfriend has another semester, that means that I'll be going to Alabama in September, that's so soon!

 

I don't want to think about it.

Maybe, maybe my parents will let me stay until December.

I really need to save more money.

 

I wonder when I'm going to get a house, when I'll further my education.

 

I just pray that birth control works, that it keeps me from getting pregnant.

 

I'm soooooo not ready to be a mother. I think I'd be a good one, but, I'm not nearly ready.

What kind of mother would I be with emotional problems?

 

You know, yesterday my mom and I were talking about one of my cousins (she's really traumatized, and as a result acts reallllly differently).

Anywho my cousin is extremly successful when it comes to her education.

If course my mom really admires that because she's the same way.

 

Anywho, I was saying that my cousin really needs therapy, and that I feel so bad for her because she has had it bad alllll the way around, since she was a child.

She has a bad childhood. In the past she has had to take care of both of her parents financially. I mean they were both on drugs at one point in time. Her mother was abused.

 

I remember being at her house when I was 8 years old.

I was going to jump out of her bedroom window because I was scared and wanted to be out of that house.

 

My cousin was 9 years old at the time.

 

Her father was a 3rd degree black belt in Tae Kwando.

 

My cousin was running around the house after her parents begging her dad to stop beating her mother.

 

And at the same time she kept running back to her bedroom to make sure that I was still there, trying to convince me not to leave the house via her window to go get help.

 

Talk about a miserable time, and she had to go through that a lot.

 

Before that I don't think I was even aware of abusive.

None of us, my immediate family, knew that they had an abusive household.

 

Anywho, that's just a snapshot of what her childhood was like.

 

As a teenage / young adult she had to financially take care of her parents who weren't working, she had some help from her older brother.

 

Her mother turned into an alcoholic, and her dad may or may not be on drugs again.

 

Her older brother died in his 20's and she was so heartbroken because she loved him so much. I was away at school.

I think her brother might have been in his late 20's.

 

Anyways, I wouldn't want her life for a second.

 

After I witnessed the abuse, they (my cousin and her mother) ended up staying with us for a few months.

 

I didn't like her mother too much, she lied a lot, and always wanted us to keep secrets (she was borrowing one of my parent's cars to go see her abusive husband). And she wasn't a very nice person, she often tried to intimidate me. She felt is was my fault people now knew she was abused.

 

Of course my parents weren't happy that I was in the house and had to witness some of it. And they were furious that they never would have known if I hadn't told them.

 

Anywho, it was a bunch of drama, and that was her life as long as she could remember.

 

She is graduating from Berkley, I'm sure she has straight A's.

 

Anywho, the trauma is so obvious because she does this weird thing she can't seem to control.

When someone says something, she laughs reallllly hard. She does it after every single sentence. At first it shocks you, stuns you, because it's so loud, and nothing has happened that warrants laughing.

 

I feel so bad for her, because it obviously makes her uncomfortable, but she just can't stop.

 

I'm afraid she may have gone crazy. I mean, who wouldn't when you've had a life like that?

 

Anyways, I made a comment about how she has always thrown herself into work to escape what was happening in her life.

I said that it wasn't healthy, you have to deal with things before they manifest themselves in other ways.

My mother said that is what she has always done, thrown herself into work instead of dealing with her problems.

 

She didn't see anything wrong with it either, she was like, at least you're successful when you approach things that way.

 

I think that's why my mom is the way she is. She's beautiful and nice, but at the same time she seems out of touch with reality. She is a perfectionist and she can be really insensitive and critical.

I mean it's damaging on certain levels.

 

I think my mom is a great person, but I don't want to be like her in that way.

 

I always want to be as true to myself as I can be. I mean you have to take the time to be with yourself, or else you'll lose yourself completely.

 

Anywho, how did I get into talking about allll of this?

 

Dealing with my cousin's mother and her abusive father, was probably the worst part of my childhood.

I'm sorry she had to live with that everyday.

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

My mom is at it again.

 

I'm getting married in December, here is what she said about my boyfriend.......

 

"Who in there right mind is going to want to marry someone who's going to be sick for a lifetime!".

 

I mean, I'm like, great mom I get it, you don't think anyone should want me.

 

I mean, how am I supposed to feel better about myself when I constantly have to hear things like that.

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Sometimes I wish my dad wouldn't walk around in his briefs. And I wish that my mom wouldn't walk around in her see-through bras.

 

I'm not a child, but I'm their child.

 

How would they like to see their parents walk around like that, Gross!

 

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

Well I had a stand off with a spider in the kitchen, and I won! Ah ha!

 

I scared it away with a towel. My dad suggested it, he wouldn't come to help.

 

I watched this movie, an old movie, with Sally field. In the movie she was married to an Iranian man. He took for to Iran on "vacation" and then held her and their daughter hostage there.

 

Isn't that horrible! It's so sad. But the happy part is that they escaped in the end, of course it was a complete nightmare though.

 

I don't know, her husband, in the movie, was cruel.

 

Scary!

 

I love to travel, well I don't like the '"traveling part", but I like the "arriving part".

 

With the world to way it is today, I'm feeling nervous about traveling.

 

But then I have to say to myself, "Grace, people travel constantly, everyday, and you don't here much about tragedies (sp?)".

 

My head hurts, I think it's caffiene withdrawl. And I'm soooooo sleepy, but of course, I won't go to sleep.

 

I wonder if all rapists are mentally ill, well, psychotic...or if they are just evil, plain and simple.

 

I have a friend who was molested as a child. She wants to understand the mind of a rapist, why they do it.

 

She's a brave soul in my opinion, I don't really want to know what they are thinking.

 

It's so sad. If I think about it too long I could cry, which is why I don't.

 

I don't think about those bad horrible things. I mean, the mind should be erased of such violent, indescribably, horrid acts.

 

I mean, but it would be wonderful if my rapist could be thrown in jail where he could be raped many, many times.

 

I mean I was stuck in that room for hours, he raped me on at least two different occasions. After he raped me twice, I was so null and void that I did whatever he wanted.

 

Anywho, nevermind that.

 

Back to my fantasy....ah, yes, I want him to be thrown in prison. First I want him to be intimidated. I was him to have this grate since of impending doom.

Then I want him to be cornered unexpectedly. I want a 300lb., 6ft., muscular man to corner him. A man with a HUGE penis.

And let's see.......should that man have a sexually transmitted disease? Yes, well, one? Why not give him 3 sexually transmitted diseases.

 

Then I want the man to fondle him. And I want the rapist to scream, while different people just walk by and look at him.

Actually, maybe there can be another man there waiting in line for his turn.

 

And then I want him raped. I want him raped multiple times. And I want him ripped big time.

And then I was another man to do the same.

 

And then, I want him thrown in solitary confinement!!! Oh, that's the best idea yet. I want him in there for at least 30days.

No medical treatment, nothing.

 

I want him in there alone, in pain. And I want him to cry. And then I want him to reflect on alllllllll the women he has raped in his lifetime. And I want him to feel extreme guilt. I want him to feel like he got want he deserved.

 

That's right, I want him to grow a heart, even if it's a small one. That way he can feel.

And I want his mother to be ashamed. I want her to disown him for his crimes against women.

 

Ooo, I know, I want the relative, of one of the women he has raped, to be in prison with him.

 

And then I want him to be in his little cell one day, finally feeling relaxed even if just for a moment. And I want the relative of his rape victim to walk in his cell, mad as hell, with about 3 other men. And I want him pummelled.

 

Yeh, you know what? I wish one of the victims could find a way to tattoo, "rape" on his forehead.

 

Maybe he'll making the mistake of raping a woman who works at a dentists office. And then one day he'll need his wisdom teeth removed or something. He'll be sedated.

 

Oh wait, maybe it'll be a nurse in the doctors office.

 

Oh, who knows, I just want someone to tattoo it on his forehead.

 

With him walking around with that on his head I doubt he'll be fortunate enough to sneak up on another unsuspecting victim.

 

You know what? They do tattoos in prison, I think the inmates should do it.

 

Anywho, enough of that I'm tired.

 

I think it's health to fantasize about what I want to happen to my rapist.

I mean, in real life, he may never be caught. But in my own little world he can be caught and suffer the consequences.

 

Talk about a predator, he is definitely one.

 

I know soooo many people who could take care of him. But that's a no-no for me. I'm not trying to reap any consequences. I'll let God handle him, that way everything will go smoothly.

 

I don't know, considering the fact that I never want to see his face again, I may never know what will befall him in life.

 

Someone really nice, on this website actually, gave me information about him.

His dad was a psychiatrist! Can you believe it. Talk about a knowledgable predator, now that's scary.

 

Oh well, there are so many freakin rapists on this planet it's not worth the time or energy. They are everywhere, like a plague.

 

You lock one up, and there are a million more out there.

 

OH I KNOW! TAKE AWAY THEIR MANHOOD!!! Make it so that rapists can't get hard!!! That should be their punishment! Their penises should never work again! I think that is sooooo fair.

 

You rape someone and your penis stops working, LOL!!!!

 

That's so great!

 

Anywho, I'm soooooooo sleepy.

 

Thanks for listening!!!

~Grace

@ -)----- -( ----@ ----)-----(-----@ -----)-----(----@ ----)----(------@ ------)-@

[Gracelove]

I've been so annoyed.

 

I went to see "Knocked up" today. Oh my gosh! Talk about hilarious! I loved that movie! It was soooo great!!!

 

Anywho, I'm upset about weight again, unhappy.

 

I wonder if birth control is messing with my mood because I've been so irritable since taking it.

 

I just miss my boyfriend. And i'm soooooo tired of living with my parents.

 

I mean, it's not natural to live with your parents after a certain age.

I have a friend who has lived with her parents for three years now (after college), I don't know how she does it.

 

But I guess if you can't afford anything of your own, you don't have a choice.

 

Gosh! This is killing me, ya know. I just want to say to my boyfriend, "Hurry up all ready!", let me know what we are going to do!

 

Tomorrow I'll know whether I'll be living in California or Alabama hopefully.

 

I'm just stuck, ya know. My boyfriend has a great job, and he's constantly being promoted.

 

I'm scared, if he comes out here.........how's it going to work? I'll be supporting the both of us. I'm going to have to find another job.

I've made my resume available on certain sites.

 

I just hate not knowing what I'm going to do, and I'm sooooooo grumpy lately.

 

I'm unhappy, obviously right.

 

Gosh, what am I'm going to do? I don't like being at home with my parents.

 

I'm saving money, but everything seems to be going so slowly.

 

.....................what am I going to do?

 

My body is so tired you know. Going without bread is helping, I can see a difference.

 

My body is so tired, I think it's stress.

 

And I keep forgeting to starve myself sometimes.

 

I have too much on my mind. I just want to sit here and not move. I don't want my parents asking me any questions.

 

My parents' home is so beautiful. I hope they keep it, not sell it.

 

They could get a lot of money of they sold it, but it's not worth it.

It's just gorgeous, but then again, who doesn't love their home.

 

I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow, and I'm dreading it because I don't know what to do.

 

I don't know whether to take medicine or not. I just don't know.

 

I hate moments like this. When I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. When I feel lost, weird, not quite right, unhappy.

 

I've tried to keep certain negative thoughts from my mind. I got over the eating disorder long ago, or so I thought.

 

But I honestly still feel the same way. I don't feel I deserve much of anything when I'm not thin.

I feel I'm only pretty when I'm thin.

I feel that my looks are a big part of who I am, although I know it's wrong to think that way.

 

I walked into a gas station today, and the guy working there told me that I looked so great.

 

It's such a nice compliment, but I felt that I looked absolutely ridiculous.

 

I used to be sooooo pretty. I looked great naked, had a nice face.

Now it's gone. That hurts a lot.

I know it's not gone forever, but right now things aren't the way the used to be.

 

And I think that hardest part is that my confidence was in my looks.

 

I liked looking at myself in the mirror. That part of my life was okay, I could focus on other things.

 

But now, that part is out of order, and it's hard to focus on other things.

 

I'm glad I'm slimming down, but it doesn't seem to be happening fast enough.

 

Sometimes I'm just so angry that I'm this way.

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