:)

[Gracelove]

What a day!

 

It's pretty mellow here....Here at work.

 

I'm kind of tired, just a bit.

I had weird shooting pains in my back a little while ago. It was really weird.

 

Hum, I think I started my new diet on Monday, if I remember correctly.

 

It's working great!!!

I am slimming down which is nice. And I don't feel weighed down like I did before.

 

I just had to start getting rid of this weight, my knees were starting to bother me.

 

Anywho, I'm starting to feel like the old me.

 

I want to go see the movie "Premonition" today. It has been a while since I've been to the movies.

 

I usually don't get out of the house aside from work.

 

Last weekend my mom dragged me out with her, to the park, and to do a little shopping. It was nice. I forgot how nice it can be to get out.

 

I'm still missing my boyfriend. I can't wait until he comes out here. He's a big part of my recovery and I miss him so much.

 

I want to focus on having a better life. And I actually don't want to go to therapy .

 

I really don't feel like I can go through the process of opening up to another person, about everything.

 

It's so time consuming and long and.........I don't know...boring???

 

I really just want to be thin again, and get my apartment, and.....

 

My wedding ring!!! I found the perfect one for me and I'm syked.

It says Grace all over it!!!

 

Then of course comes the patience issue....ahhh!!!! When it comes to jewelry I'm extremely impatient, I want it right then and there....or at the latest a few weeks later.

 

And I'm stressing about my boyfriend's ring. It look nice in the case, but not when you take it out, I mean, it doesn't look as shiny.

 

Why do men like plain things??? My boyfriend wants a "simple"/plain ring.

Men, will I ever understand them completely? I doubt it.

 

And then there's graduation (sigh). I keep thinking, what if I see that girl? The one who betrayed me, what will I do?

I honestly don't know.

I just want to be thin and pretty, I don't want her to think she was successful in ruining my life.

I want to say, "Hey! You may have been successful at getting me raped, but I still look better than you."

Ya, I'll pretty much say that's my main goal when it comes to graduation. And I don't care if I'll have to starve myself from here to eternity to reach that goal.

 

Anywho, work is okay today. Paperwork, paperwork. I wouldn't mind it so much if people actually gave me completed paperwork, but that's never gonna happen, so...........I'll make phone calls and more phones calls and end up with a mount of paperwork collecting on my desk.

 

I'm just trying to breathe. For some reason I've been feeling kind of tense today. I don't know, it started a few hours ago.

I feel under pressure, like.....I don't know, like something may happen soon.

I don't feel as care free as I did earlier today.

 

I don't know, maybe it's just my period.

 

Humm....rape...I barely say the word out loud. I think that word sounds like, blasphemy. I don't know, it's a dirty damning word.

I'm trying to make myself say it a little more often. I've got to get used to it sooner or later.

I think Sexually assulted sounds much better.

Although they are the same thing of course.

 

At time I feel like I have to explain things to people so they'll understand my behavior.

 

There is this girl who is a family friend, she wants to hang out sometime, but how to I explain it to her???

Umm, I don't like going out because I don't feel comfortable around people.....- why ?..... ummm, because I've gained a lot of weight recently and feel insecure....- why ?.... ummm, because I was raped and gained hella weight........- Ooooooh

LOL! Would it go something like that?

 

Or should I say.... I don't feel safe around other people...- why ?.... because I was betrayed by someone I trusted..- so ?..... soooooo, I'm afraid of being around people that could possible hurt me in a devastating way.....- What?! It's not like I'm going to hurt you..... ya, but I've only know you for like 10sec. and someone that I've........I give. What should I tell the girl so she doesn't just think I'm a rude person that doesn't want to hang out with her???

 

Anywho, I'm afraid of those conversations.

 

Oh, there is this girl named Susan that I met when I had to spend 3 days in the psyche ward ( this occurred after the rape of course, I had kind of a breaking point, anywho....). She was sooooo sweet. I totally felt like I connected with her. We had been through a lot of similar things and we were roomates.

 

She gave me her number, and I can't find it at all. It sucks, because I wouldn't have minded hanging out with her. There would have been no need for explainations.

 

Anywho, back to work. Thanks for listening!!!

 

~2:27pm

 

I'm starting to feel depressed for some reason.

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[Gracelove]

Good morning everyone!!!

 

How's it going!!?

 

I just woke up. I slept on the couch last night, I looooove sleeping on couches.

 

Anywho. I felt so sick last night. It was weird. And then I started crying, LOL.

If I cry recently my eyes just get glassy and a tear or two rolls down. But I was actually crying and I wasn't even thinking of anything a the time.

 

Yesterday I was online looking for my boyfriend's wedding ring. I has already picked a ring out for him. I don't know, everytime I walk into the jewelry store and see is in the case it looks soooooooo beautiful. But then when I take it out for some reason it looks less spectacular.

 

I was looking at the jewelry stores' website and they have links to all of jewelry they sell. So I decided to look around.

I found a couple I think my boyfriend would really like. I sent him one and he said, "wow.......this ring is really nice."

 

To make a long story short, he keeps saying he'll like any ring I get him. Which is hard. Because if a woman say that it's not necessarily true. I mean, I could say that and he could pick out the ugliest ring ever and I would be devastated because I'm a jewelry fanatic.

Anyways, I've decided to get him the ring I would orginally get him. He said he wants something simple, so I've got him something close to that. Anywho, it's of great quality and I think he'll really like it.

But I bet he'd be more excited if I got him a nice watch. Watches are his favorite accessory, so I'll probably get him one as a wedding gift.

 

Anywho, my diet is going great, slowly but surely, I'm losing weight, which is great. I feel better, more confident, like I'm actually getting somewhere, and my body doesn't feel so horrible .

 

My, phone rang and my cat is hungry I'll be back later.

 

 

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[jengh]

hey,

I hope it's okay to comment on your journal. I love it when people do on mine.

 

I just wanted to say I had a similar situation with the rape and then the weight gain thing. It really kills your self esteem. As if the sexual assult itself wasn't bad enough, let's add to the bad body image! (I couldn't say rape for a very long time) So yeah, you're not alone

 

What kind of diet are you on?

 

You're getting married? That's exciting! You should post a link to the rings you're looking at!!

 

Take care.

[Gracelove]

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Hey There!!!

 

I don't mind you commenting in my journal.

 

You went through the same thing? Thanks for sharing that with me. It makes me feel better.

It is hard dealing with all the extra weight. I had gained 85lbs. It just kept going up and up. I've lost 5lbs. now so I've only gone down a little bit.

 

Ya, rape wouldn't be nearly as bad if it wasn't for everything else that accompanies it. It's so hard to forget when you have all of this extra stuff thrown on top that you have to deal with on a daily basis.

 

I'm on this diet where I don't eat anything. But I drink shakes that have all the vitamins you need in them. If I felt like I wanted something to eat I'd have soap or yogurt with almonds. It really works.

It's not a hard diet either because if I want something sweet I just drink a sweet Starbucks coffee.

 

Losing a little weight helps a lot. My knees were really starting to bother me because my body can't handle the weight.

 

And then I have ugly stretch marks on my arms and right above my hips.

I consider them to be my "rape scars", just a reminder of what I've been through.

 

But after I lose all of the weight I want I'm going to go to the dematologist and have it taken care of.

 

I just got back from getting my nails done and I'm so happy about it!!!

Doing little things like that helps me to feel like I'm improving.

I told myself that I'll go get my nails done once a week.

I really want to make an effort to make myself look nice.

 

Thanks for the Congratulations!!! I'm so excited about getting married.

My boyfriend and I were so meant to be together.

 

He took care of me after I'd been raped (we met a week after the rape).

Then, I started breaking down. There were days (many) when I wouldn't get out of bed (his bed) at all.

He would fix me breakfast and call from work to check on me all of the time.

Sometimes I wouldn't shower for 3 days, and he never complained.

I was getting fatter and fatter and he constantly told me how beautiful I was.

I would leave his apartment messy because I was in the twilight zone and couldn't think of cleaning..he would bring me flowers.

He did everything, helped me move out of my on- campus apartment....

When I had nightmares at night I would wake him up and he would hold me until I feel asleep.

When I was sick he'd bring me medicine.

There was a long period of time when I couldn't take care of myself at all and he was the one who took care of me.

I'll always love him. I've never known anyone like him.

He's the one for me.

 

I mean, I was in a living hell, and he was right there with me. I know it was hard on him, but he never took it out on me, he just loved me more.

 

I forget about those times sometimes. I never forget that he took care of me, but I forget how screwed up life was. And I was a suicidal wreck, I would cry all the time.

He was working full-time and going to school and not sleeping at night (because of me), but he never left.

It makes me cry just thinking about it. I'm so blessed to have him.

No one could ever replace him in my life.

 

Whew! Rape is hard.

 

I'm just glad I'm getting better, stronger. And that guy...the one who raped me. I know I wasn't the first one he did it too. It was all too calculated, everything he did before and after....he's used to covering his tracks.

I just don't want him to do it anymore. He has no clue what he's doing to people. I want him to stop. I want him to give it up.

As much as I dislike him, if it were possible to convince him to stop...I'd attempt it.

I don't want any other girl/woman to suffer like I have.

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[Locke2121]

I'm glad you have someone to stand by your side...he sounds like a keeper!

[Gracelove]

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Thanks Locke2121! I'm really glad he's by my side also. He's definitely a keeper.

 

I just saw the movie "premonition".

 

It was so sad! I was crying afterwards. I mean, I don't think you realize how badly your life can change until after rape.

 

I mean, I felt the pain that's within me after seeing that movie.

 

I just, I want to be with my boyfriend so badly. I'm trying to be patient and have faith...........I'm trying to do what's best for our future. But it's hard.

 

After rape.........I don't know it was hard for me to trust, to have faith. I realized how uncertain my existence is, life is.

And it's not even about me living, it about my life changing for the worse and me having to live through it.

And I just couldn't deal with that again.

It's something I can't take.

 

Having faith in God can be challenging sometimes. I can see all of the wonderful things he does for me on a daily basis yet sometimes it's so hard.

 

Some people have great lives, with a minimal amount of bad or traumatic things that happen, and then there's everybody else.

 

All I can do at this point is live, and unfortunately that involves feeling pain and at times lots of it.

 

And I believe Jesus understands. I believe he understands my pain and that he'll be patient with me.

 

Recovery is such a long road.........................

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[Gracelove]

Hey There Guys!

 

My mother's father may have died tonight. I didn't know him very well, but I feel sorry for her. We're trying to find out now...

 

 

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[Gracelove]

Stressed again!!!

 

I just got out of the movie (Premonition), and there were some triggers for me emotionally.

 

And now I'm feeling stressed out.

I just finished calling a lot of hospitals because my mom didn't know what hospital he was in (her father).

 

My Aunt is with him, and she didn't tell my mom which hospital he was in (I finally found it).

 

And I don't want to go to a funeral right now.

And I don't want to see my Aunt. She acts like a bully and is verbally abusive.

Of course that's no surprise, her husband is abusive and she has been married to him for about 3 decades.

I don't want to be around her at all, and if I have to go to that funeral I will be.

 

I have major issues being around people I don't trust. And I don't want her hugging on me and telling me she loves me. It's going to make me feel uncomfortable and I'm not going to believe her because I don't believe abusive people know the meaning of the word love.

 

And then my parents are going to leave to go to los angeles. And I have to work and I don't want to be at home by myself.

 

I'm sure one of our family friends could come stay with me (hopefully).

 

I don't know.........

 

The last funeral I went to was one of my Aunt's. She was really sweet but I barely saw her and wasn't really close to her either.

 

We went to her funeral when I was having an espicially hard time with life.

Just thinking about it makes me want to have my medicine.

I had medicine then, and I was a wreck, but I felt sooooo comfortable popping those pills at night knowing that everything would be okay because I would be sleep soon.

 

And then I think about all that weight I gained.

 

I don't know, when you're dealing with certain disorders things that used to be trivial problems in life becoming almost insurmountable (sp?).

 

What happened to those days when I could just lay in bed and be alone with my thoughts, LOL. sometimes I really miss those days.

 

Anyways, "Premonition" was a really good movie and I'm so glad I saw it.

I would totally watch it again, I just wish my boyfriend will be close by when I do.

 

It's amazing the amount of pain I still have within. And everyday I am ignorant of it for the most part.... until something triggers it in me.

 

Oh well.

 

My parents are up in age. I don't really think about them being sick or needing me to care for them because they're so healthy.

 

I don't know, I have a hard time thinking of someone being completely dependent on me, because I'm relearning how to take care of myself.

 

It's funny though, I've total confidence that I would be able to take care of my boyfriend if he was dependent on me .

 

I think I'm sleepy. The day is already gone. I can't believe it's gone so quickly.

 

You know what is so interesting. How you can go to a movie, and they can put how you're feeling or felt on-screen.

That never ceases to amaze me. Certain "movie people" (producers, actors, directors) can make you feel what the character is feeling.

How do they do that???

 

I've been to a couple of movies where they clearly communicate the feelings of that character, and sometimes they're the exact same feelings I have or have had.

 

There are some emotions and feelings I think are impossible to express. And then these people are able to communicate them so effectively on-screen. How do they do that???

I think it's a gift.

 

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[Gracelove]

I can't describe how I feel. I went to get some alcohol and food.

Bad huh? I've got some laxative stuff I can take afterwards.

 

Whew! I'm feeling............the way I do when I get stressed, really stressed. That means everything else kicks in (a.k.a. bad symptoms).

 

Sometimes I miss my medicine. I don't want to start freaking out. I'm trying to remain calm. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel like total crap. So....I'll eat, drink, take deep breaths, and type.

 

Well, right now I have to begin helping my mom make funeral arraingments.

 

Oh, I just remembered, my Aunt said she's not going to any funerals.

I kind of don't believe that she'll not go to her father's funeral.

My grandmother will probably play a guilt trip on her and she'll go.

 

Who knows.

Well, I've got to look for cemetaries now.

 

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[Gracelove]

Good morning Guys!!!

 

I'm still dealing with the affects of stress last night.

I still feel pretty down.

 

My grandfather is on life support and my mom is flying down there today.

 

She keeps telling me, "Make sure you have a good job and make a lot of money so that you can take care of your brother".

 

She always tells me to make a lot of money, I mean always. It's something I constantly hear about and right now it's realllllllllly annoying me.

I mean right now I have many more things to worry about other than becoming instantly rich at age 23.

 

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now.

 

And my dad is leaving tomorrow so I will be home alone unless I have someone come stay with me.

 

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[Alexis_failure]

Gracelove, you are an amasing person! I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandfather's health, but at the same time so happy to hear that you're getting married to your boyfriend. He sounds perfect and I wish you all the happiness in the world with him. How is the ring searching going?

[Gracelove]

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* Hey There Alexis!!! Thanks so very much for the compliment! And thanks for your consolences as well. The ring search is going pretty well. I saw one he likes on the internet, but I'm a little concerned about buying it. Things can look one way on the interenet and completely different in person, LOL! But I guess we'll just see. I hope you're having a beautiful day. With love always~Grace *

 

 

Okay, here comes time for that question to pop up again, "Should I masterbate (sp?)?"

 

Okay, I don't feel comfortable with it and have pretty much decided that it isn't for me.

But while I was in the shower I had a thought.

 

When my boyfriend came up to see me during Christmas we had sex.

We hadn't had sex in 9 months prior to that.

We when were talking on the phone (before he came to visit Christmas) he told me that he wanted to have sex.

He had originally said that he didn't want to have sex anymore until we were married and was really serious about it.

 

So I became nervous (now that he'd changed his mind). Now all of the sudden I'm going to have sex, what am I going to do!!!

 

I was having girl talk with friends, and of course they masturbate all of the time.

 

So I decided that I would purchase a vibrator and I would make myself get used to sex so that when my boyfriend and I had it, it would be good and I wouldn't be nervous.

 

Anywho, after trying it for a few days I decided that i wasn't for me.

 

But when my boyfriend came up for Christmas, and we did have sex it was great!

 

Okay, so then two months after that I see my boyfriend again. This time I hadn't masturbated at all since the last time we had sex.

And I had flashbacks (of the rape) and felt uncomfortable with sex.

 

A long time ago when my boyfriend told me he didn't think we should have sex anymore, I was scared, devastated.

I was afraid I would become one of those women who didn't want to have sex.

My head was all screwed up after the rape and sometimes I felt sooooo dirty and I felt that only my boyfriend could make that feeling go away by having sex with me.

 

Anywho, I'm wondering whether masturbating will help me get over the sexual trauma.

When I masturbated that time, even though it was only for about a week, sex was okay with me when I was with my boyfriend.

 

I'm starting to wonder whether or not masturbation helps one to get over a sexual trauma.

 

I may not be comfortable with masturbating, but I'll do it if it helps.

I really don't want sex to be an issue in our relationship.

I want to always feel comfortable with it, because sex is a big part of marriage.

 

I want to feel good about it.

 

Masturbating is so scary to me though, and I still have absolutely no clue what to make of it.

 

I really, really, really, want to be completely comfortable with sex. I want to love it as a matter of fact.

 

There have been times when I've absolutely loved sex with my boyfriend, I mean, he is really good at it.

 

But how to I get a handle on everything else?

I mean, what does masturbation really do for people? Does it make people more comfortable with sex than they were before?

 

I wonder if I do it often, if that will help me be okay with sex again.

 

I mean sometimes I feel like I could go forever without sex.

I've become so uncomfortable with it.

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[Locke2121]

Masturbation is a perfectly healthy release of stress for most people. But you're not most people. You underwent a terrible shock. Many things connected to sex now must have a undercurrent of bad to them.

 

However, it seems that you are able to enjoy sex with the boyfriend...thats a big plus.

 

So, Dr. Locke has an exercise for you to do. Don't have sex. Nope, none whatsoever. Instead, I want you and your bf to masturbate each other instead. This can mean hands, lips, teeth and tongue. Toys are encouraged. But NO penetration. Not until you both orgasm. He is the easy one, your the challenge.

 

Once each of you is able to bring the other to orgasm, I want you to set back well apart from each other and masturbate YOURSELVSES. You'll be surprised how easy it'll be because you will be getting off on the image of each other. And once your able to do that, you'll have a fantasy that you can use over and over again...one that isn't tinged with rape, but you and your bf's love and attraction to one another.

 

This will help you to get used to the idea that you don't need to have sex to enjoy the sensations your body produces. And it will break through that "dirty" block in your mind.

 

 

Have fun, and thats an order!

[Gracelove]

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Oh my gosh!!! That sounds so interesting!!! That's amazing! How did you know to do something like that? I would have never thought of it.

 

I must admit, it sounds a little scary to me...I don't mind doing that to him, um I'm sure it will feel good when he does it to me....Then masturbating side by side, that'll be a little scary because I'm still a little uncomfortable with masturbation and I've never done it around anyone before. But I must say, it sounds like you know what you're talking about!

 

And it sounds logical.

And if it could possibly get rid of that "dirty block" in my mind, that would be fantastic!!!!

 

The next time my boyfriend and I are together I'll ask him if he wants to try it.

 

Thanks so much for the advice Locke!!!!!

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[Gracelove]

Hey There Guys!!!

 

It has been a really pleasant day where I am. And so beautiful outside too.

 

I've been lying on the couch for most of the day. The sun has been shining in on me from the window and it has been really nice.

 

I'm in one of those placing where I feel comfortable but tears are welling up in my eyes the same time.

 

I wonder what I'm thinking about deep down? I know I feel a little sad right now. Not a devestating sad, or a depressed sad, but a mellow sad.

One of those "sads" when you're in a place where you find yourself recovering from life.

Like you just have a chance to rest.

I feel like I've spent all my energy escaping something and now I've collapsed on the floor to recover.

 

I am grateful though. I'm grateful to have people who love me and care for me even though I don't know why they do it.

 

It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this life, even during those times when I feel like it.

 

What can I say, sometimes the tears just come. And I guess I shouldn't make a bid deal about them.

I don't know, I don't like for people to see me cry.

 

But I guess I just can't help it sometimes. I do have a lot on my plate, a long way to go. I've got 80lbs. to lose.

I have to make myself look pretty again and it's just hard work.

 

And then I think that I wouldn't even have to be doing this hard work if someone hadn't raped me.

I wouldn't have been terrified of being small. I wouldn't have felt that being big was my only protection.

 

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself.

Everything in this life seems to be such a race. A race against on thing or another.

 

I should be able to protect myself now. I feel a little behind at times.

 

I don't know, maybe I should be looking for another job, but I'm afraid of the extra stress it might bring. I don't handle stress as well as I'd like to these days.

 

I miss my boyfriend so much. He would hold me right now and tell me that everything would be okay. It's so hard being away from him.

Can I really afford to be closer to him right now? Could we afford it?

 

He's working and going to school full time and I don't think that me and my issues would lighten his stress load.

But that doesn't mean I don't miss him dearly.

Sometimes I can't be selfish.

I have to think about him.

He wants to finish school and no matter how much I want to be near him, I have to be considerate and supportive of his goals.

 

Life is more challenging than I could have ever imagined it to be.

Why does it have to be so hard?

 

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[Gracelove]

It's moments like these when I really miss my sleep medicine.

I don't want to blame her, but the last time I saw any of my medicines, my mom had them.

I really think she threw them away because she hated me being on medicine.

 

I'd really like to have those sleeping pills about now.

 

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[Gracelove]

Hey Guys!!!

 

I feel like screaming!!!

Okay, I've realized that to lose the amount of weight I want in a short amount of time, it's going to cause pain.

 

I'm so nervous because I try to avoid pain or discomfort of any kind whenever I can.

 

Whew!!!

 

I'm going on the lemonade diet. I don't really want to but I have too.

Going on the lemonade diet is painful for me because I don't have food to distract me from whatever pain I feel within.

 

So, I'm going to write in my journal a lot.

And I'm going to distract myself in other ways.

 

I'm going to listen to more music, watch more movies, and work out whenever I can.

 

I worked-out for an hour this morning and it was great.

 

Unfortunately pain I'll experience as a result of the rape isn't over.

I have to lose this weight which will be a major hurdle in my recovery.

 

But truth of the matter is that my knees can't take much more, and I don't know how much more my heart can take either.

 

This extra weight is reallllllly starting to burden me. Everything is hard ya know. Everything is a struggle, and I can't deal with it anymore.

It's really getting to be too much.

 

I may be a little grumpy or sad over the next month, but so be it.

 

I may also feel the need to strangle the mess out of my attacker and his accomplice, so I'll just vent about it instead.

 

And this must be said, because I soooo feel like saying it.

But this "Is so Freakin' UNFAIR!!!".

 

Okay, I just had to get that out.

I guess whenever I'm working out I'll imagine that I'm beating the crap out of them (okay, I probably won't, but I should).

 

I know I'm going to feel anger. So I guess I'll just direct it towards those people who really deserve it.

 

Okay, I'm scared, but that's normal. I don't know what type of emotions will pop up during this period of time.

I don't look forward to being miserable.

 

But it's just something I have to do. I don't want to die of a heart attack do I?

I already know myself. I'm going to do a lot of crying which reallllly sucks because I hate crying.

 

Oh well.

 

I'm already starting to feel a little bit out of control. But it's time to face the music.

Needless to say, I'll be writing in here a lot just to let thing go.

 

 

Thanks!

 

~Grace

 

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[Gracelove]

It's almost my lunch time and I'm not hungry, what am I supposed to do.

 

I start the lemonade diet tomorrow. I wish I was on it today so I didn't have to think about what I would do.

 

But oh well, tomorrow is another day and I just have to be patient.

 

Gosh, I can be soooo impatient sometimes. I want everything right now. I want to be married right now. I want my wedding ring and apartment right now. I want to be thin RIGHT NOW, LOL!

 

That's something I really have to work on.

 

Oh well, I guess I'll just type and complain in the meantime to help me get through it. WEll, I've got to go now. The person I was subbing for is back from lunch.

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm back at my desk now. And, man am I sooooo tired.

 

I'm listening to Christina Aguilera, who I love!!!

I admire her so much! She's been through a lot and comes out of it shining.

 

I'm listening to her "Back To Basics" Cd, which is the first of her albums for me to buy. I listen to it all day at work sometimes (on repeat).

 

And I do the same for Evanessense (Open Door).

 

I'm thinking of going to IKEA for lunch. I want to get a cushion for my bed so it'll be softer.

 

Pay day is Friday, yeh!!!

 

I can pay of the rest of these credit cards, and get my hair done and nails done, etc. etc.

 

I tell you I'm going to better than I was before the rape.

 

But don't be surprised if I feel down later on today. That's just the way it goes for me now-a-days.

 

Sometimes I get sooooo overwhelmed. Usually I change things when I get really, really tired of them.

 

And I'm getting sooooo tired of all this post-rape crap, LOL.

SO TIRED.

 

I mean I want to look cute for my 20's. And I want to be a beautiful bride.

 

And I want a second job.

So much.

And therapy.....???

 

 

I never thought I'd say this but I am soooo sick of therapy.

I guess because the therapist I really want to see doesn't live in my state and I don't want to start over with someone new.

 

And last night I slept downstairs in my parents bed with my dad. I was a little afraid of sleeping by myself.

I hate feeling like I'm digressing ya know.

 

Before my mom left my dad was out of town and I slept downstairs with her.

 

I'm suppose to be a big girl, LOL.

But what can I say. I don't like sleeping alone.

At least not now anyways.

 

I really need to hang out with my friends, but for some reason I won't.

 

Do you think it's because of being betrayed by that other girl???

 

Sometimes I wonder..........................

 

N-Eways, life can be soooo hard sometimes, like now.

Since the rape life is hard for absolutely no reason.

You wake up in the morning and life is just hard.

It really sucks.

 

I need something. Some sort of help.

 

But I'm trying to gauge when I should get the help. I think I'll get it after I lose this weight, one thing at a time right???

 

Oh well, I better get out of here before I start crying.

 

Chow!

 

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[Gracelove]

I'm a little stressed and aggrievated.

 

I already have so much on my plate.

 

My mother's father is on life support and will pass away soon.

My mom had me help in looking for cemetries.

 

Anyways, when I was helping my mom pack yesterday, my dad told her that I wouldn't be going to the funeral because I'm on probation at work, and my mom said that it was fine.

My dad decided this on his own, he's glad to have me making my own income and doesn't want that jeopardized.

 

It was perfectly fine with me because I've only been around him (grandfather) 5 times in my whole life, and he didn't really talk to me at all during those times.

 

So I'm not going to the funeral and they're burying him in L.A.

 

Okay, fast forward to today. My dad tells me that they are now going to bury him in Alabama and that I'm going.

 

What?!

 

No, I'm not going. I can't take take off of work. And I'm not going to stress myself out flying accross the country to go to the funeral of someone I hardly knew.

 

Sounds simple right? Well, I'm afraid that won't be the case.

I'm pretty sure they changed the plans in regards to whether I would go or not because of other family members.

 

I don't want to deal with any drama.

 

I have a month to lose weight (80lbs.) before graduation. This is a goal I've set for myself and I have to reach it. I'm going back to that place I hate more than anything, putting myself in a traumatic situation, just to please my parents (I initially intended having them send me my diploma in the mail)

 

Aside from that, I promised myself that after graduation and one other thing I had to do for my parents, and I wouldn't put someone else's wishes and desires above my own mental health.

 

I made that promise to myself, and now I know I'm going to be called on it, by family members I see once every 3 to 4 years, if that.

 

I'm nervous.

 

I can fight back but in the end I'll be the one to lose out.

I'll get stressed and become even more depressed than I already am; I can't afford that..

 

I'm trying to be strong. Why is "no" so hard for me to say sometimes?

I won't, I won't break this promise to myself. I can't keep putting others before me. I won't do it.

 

I won't..............

 

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[Gracelove]

Day 1

 

......of taking my life back!

 

 

Started my lemonade diet. Went to the gym at 4:30am, and worked out for an hour.

 

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[Gracelove]

Already tempted!

 

I just had a thought about a Togo's sandwhich. And then about a Starbuck's "old-fashioned" chocolate dounut.

 

But I won't do it. I've got to be strong. I'll just sip on some Sparkling water and check e-mails.

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[Gracelove]

Okay, I really want something to eat, but I can't have it. So I figured I'd write about it to help me through this.

 

Whew!

 

I mean, just think about how good I'll look in a month.

 

Oh wait..........I have to go to the bathroom

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[Gracelove]

The only thing I don't really like about the lemonade diet is that fact that you constantly have to go to the bathroom.

 

I think I'll do Denise Austin's ab workout tape when I get home.

 

I've started this diet maybe 3 times before and then I always stop. I think that I have plenty of time until my deadline, but not anymore.

 

Losing 80lbs in a little over a month is a lot of work, and I can't take anymore time off.

 

I'm excited about being thin again.

 

Well I'm off to the store, I think I'll get myself a new CD.

 

Bye!!!

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[Gracelove]

I feel just a little sad.

I realize that I really miss food.

 

I mean, not just eating the food, actually I think I realize it's not even about that.

I think "food" has more of a powerful pressense in my life than I considered.

 

It's a constant comfort and since my pre-teen years I've used it too get me through every rough experience.

Whether I was eating it or not, it was constantly on my mind.

 

I don't know what that's about.

It's not like food is a person.

I shouldn't ever miss food, espicially if I'm not hungry.

 

Weird.....I really just thought about this today.

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