hennypenny3288 Posted March 12, 2007 Author Share Posted March 12, 2007 Elithepi, right now I am just going to be happy with the friendship and see what else can develop down the road. I posted this to try to understand why men can be so stupid about things. Men are heartless and cruel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SeaBisquit Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 not a good idea to do the friend thing..... your going to get hurt repeatedly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shes2smart Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 In regard to getting played by guys.... I find if it's a situation that you find yourself in repeatedly, you need to take a long, hard, honest look at what you're doing. The one constant in all those situations is you and the the choices you're making. People will treat you only as poorly (or as well) as YOU allow. Took me a long time to learn that and consequently, spent a good chunk of the time when I was single in my 20's and 30's getting involved with folks who weren't my best choices for good relationships. Most of the time, people DO let you know if they're not interested in you "that way," however, it's not uncommon to be so blinded by your own feelings that you don't really hear what they're saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elithepi Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 Elithepi, right now I am just going to be happy with the friendship and see what else can develop down the road. I posted this to try to understand why men can be so stupid about things. Men are heartless and cruel. gee , thanks. So are women... Negative thoughts go nowhere. It's not a sex thing. I've had lots of women do thoughtless things to me. This is a person that happens to be a "he" and "he" is inconsiderate. It not about male/female makeup. I've done stupid things like run back to a girl who gave me blackeyes before. yes, a woman beating me. If you think men are heartless and crule due to the way this guy has acted, get away from him. There are lots of warm, loving dudes out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Bugg Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 S2S is RIGHT on the money here....... YOU are as responsible for staying in this situation as he is. You always have choices....and as ITG pointed out, YOU need to take responsibility for your involvement as well. No one twisted your arm and made you stay. That was your decision.Maybe it's time for you to start making more discriminating choices when it comes to love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImThatGirl Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 Whew..... You can take the easy way and allow yourself to feel like the victim if you so desire. But I would bet money if you do that, you'll be in this same boat again with your next relationship. Soul search. Analyze. Evaluate everything that got you hear, Henny. Read all your other threads. This did not just come out of nowhere as a surprise. You know that. So stop playing victim of him. You were willing to accept crumbs for months. (Signs and words that he wasn't interested.) Now that you have finally realized he is not interested, you are going to play the victim? Just cut your losses. Take responsibility. Give him a portion of the responsibility. Learn your lessons. And make things better next time you're in a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hennypenny3288 Posted March 12, 2007 Author Share Posted March 12, 2007 SeaBisquit, why do you think it is not a good idea to be friends and that I will be hurt repeatedly? Have you stayed friends with guys before? Elithepi, well then, where are the warm, loving dudes? I seem to run into duds all the time. Shes2smart, you are perceptive. I don't seem to make relationships with guys who are the best choices for me. I get hurt all the time, dumped all the time. It seems to come with the dating territory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Bugg Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 Henny I know it might sound like we're attacking you.... I have been in your shoes...MANY times. Most of us have... but finger pointing will get you nowhere if you are not willing to make some changes within YOURSELF. You are the only person you can change... and YOU deserve the best. Remember that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elithepi Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 I can't tell you where to find loving, warm dudes but you can't let this person poison your mind against men. If that happens, you will never know it when that perfect warm loving dude finally finds you and says hello. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AzureSkyes69 Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 Well sometimes not always this could mean that he might be unsure of things between you both and maybe he wants to take things slower. He could be trying to figure out his feelings for you and could also be evaluating your current relationship and where is is heading...or not heading. Well if he wanted "space" not a "break" to me him needing space would mean your still together but he needs time for himself and does not want to really be with you as much 4 now. Now a break would mean (to me being broken up 4 the time being) possiblly to test other waters & see if the grass is indeed greener on the otherside or not. Now from what u described..were you actually in a relationship with him or were you just friends with him? cause that makes a diffrence. Okay to me if you were with him in a relationship & he wanted space..I don't think it was really right of him do go searching after other women,I mean space to me does not mean broken up,so I think he was a little shaddy there because he could have said he was not ready for a relationship and wanted to date other people,that would have been much easier in this situation.But some people are not always upfront about their intentions and that is how people get hurt. 4 me I much rather someone being honest with me I get hurt that way instead of being lead on or finding out about something. I am sorry your hurt . I know how it feels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hennypenny3288 Posted March 12, 2007 Author Share Posted March 12, 2007 If I deserve the best, then the "best" never seems to happen to me. I get guys who are weird, play with my mind and emotions, and leave me high and dry. I wanted this relationship to work out. I gave it my best. When things got weird, I gave him space (that's what is always recommended, to give a guy space). Instead of appreciating the space, he took it and ran with it and turned on me and cut our relationship apart and left me with a mess that I sorted out and tried to put back together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shes2smart Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 Elithepi, right now I am just going to be happy with the friendship and see what else can develop down the road. I posted this to try to understand why men can be so stupid about things. Men are heartless and cruel. Look at it that way and you will get yourself into a "victim" mentality....not to mention carrying a huge chip on your shoulder. The guys who are capable of having a good, healthy relationship will spot that chip a mile away and steer clear of you...and I can't say as I'd blame them. What sane, healthy guy wants to get involved with someone who's got underlying anger/hate/disgust for men in general? Would you wanna get involved with a man who had similar chip on his shoulder about women? To approach it in a way where you are coming from a position of power -- and not as "victim" who things just "happen to" -- you have to take a close look at the only thing you can control: YOUR thoughts, YOUR actions, YOUR decisions. When I took responsibility for those things for myself and learned how to make better choices in potential partners, lo and behold, I started getting into healthier relationships and this sort of crap didn't "happen to" me anymore. Coincidence? I think not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hennypenny3288 Posted March 12, 2007 Author Share Posted March 12, 2007 He never wanted space. I had this "gut" feeling that he felt smothered and stifled by our relationship so I pulled back and gave him space. What did I get in return, him turning tables on me. Thought guys would be appreciative of space? HA! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SeaBisquit Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 it is not good to remain friends with him because you really want more... yes i am still friends with my exes...sometimes i wish i wasn't it is very hard to see them with someone else and be able to play off like it doesn't bother me. eventually it does get to the point where it doesn't bother me so much put i took alot of punches to the heart.... not worth it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Bugg Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 Maybe he assumed you were no longer interested....but either way....he gave you indications throughout your relationship that this wasn't serious for him. THAT is what you need to focus on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImThatGirl Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 Do I remember correctly that the two of you were never in an actual relationship, Henny? Do I remember correctly that he told you he wasn't interested in a relationship with you? Do I remember correctly that he has another girlfriend now? YOU DO DESERVE THE BEST AS WE ALL DO! However, when you continuously accept and allow people to treat you less than that, they don't have as much respect for you and make take advantage of your vulnerability. As I said before, if you stand up for yourself, stop making excuses and justifying being treated less than you deserve, be confident and come accross as a girl that is confident and will not settle for being treated badly, you may find someone that actually respects you. Rather than: Having a "friendship" for someone that stays around because he's worried about your emotional well-being. You tried everything with this guy. Everything! You gave it your all when maybe you should have thrown the towel in a long time ago. Just accept that a relationship between the two of you was not possible and that you maybe gave more than you should have. Focus on yourself! For a long time! Before getting back into this kind of situation again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Bugg Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 There is a book out there called Obsessive Love....by Susan Forward. GREAT book....I recommend it highly. Sometimes we become so obsessed with someone that we don't even realize HOW obsessed we are. Even if it's not full blown obsession...it is still occupying your thoughts, emotions and decisions. I think it describes a lot of situations I have read on this board....not just YOURS....but I defientely think the book would benefit you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hennypenny3288 Posted March 12, 2007 Author Share Posted March 12, 2007 I am NOT obsessed with the guy. Hey if I was I would be stalking him. I don't call him, write him, show up at his doorstep, etc. I complain on here and think about him and am friendly with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisch Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 Maybe the problem is generalities on gender-wide behavoir. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImThatGirl Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 I am NOT obsessed with the guy. Hey if I was I would be stalking him. I don't call him, write him, show up at his doorstep, etc. I complain on here and think about him and am friendly with him. And all the while you hope and probably pray that something you do will make it click and he will come running back to you! And you seem mighty depressed when that doesn't happen. We are really trying to help you. What's your plan now? You said to continue to be his friend? Won't that start this over everytime you hear from him? Note: I have remained friends with many men that I expected more from but they didn't offer it. Even some that I had hopes for more with. But, I was able to stand firm, express what I wanted, determine they were "not" what I wanted or capable of being what I wanted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suesser Tod Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 The guy always said that relationship was a possibility and in the beginning, when I pulled away once, he chased me hard. This was in the beginning when I had doubts. He proved his worth to me but, with time, I sensed changes in him, like he liked someone else, wanted to leave. We talked. He said things were the same, he still cared about me and wanted to be in my life always. The subtle winds of change were there so I gave him space. Instead of him apprecating the space, he took it and ran with it and turned the tables on ME!!!!!!! Heck if I am going to be nice to someone the next time around. So after some time he found out that he didn't liked you as much as he thought he would in the beginning, and asks you for space. Then he explains you that he doesn't want a relationship with you, just a fling, and you complain about him taking space? You're not leaving any space for the "it didn't worked" possibliity, and turning it into a simple "he played me". Not all relationships are meant to work, in fact, most are not meant to be. If you want to find a relationship that will last, you have accept that you'll be in several relationships that won't work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shes2smart Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 By continuing to be "friendly" or "friends" with him, you send a message -- to him and to yourself -- that the way he's treated you is OK. From what you've said just in this thread, it's NOT OK with you. It would be a self-respecting move on your part to either terminate the friendship altogether, or cut way, way back on the level of access he has to you. Aim for polite and civil but distant -- the way you would treat a stranger or someone you don't know very well....avoid chummy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Bugg Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 Henny......I never accused you of being Obsessed with him. Being obsessed does not neccessarily mean you act on your feelings. There is "passive" obsession as well. Meaning you dwell on things way too much, neglect other parts of your life....and internalize things. You can do as you wish..I am simply ofering you a suggestion. I read the book several years ago..and I saw a lot of myself in it...and was able to adjust my thinking and yes even some of my behavior patterns. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SeaBisquit Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 go out put some fancy clothes on.. and look for someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willow2900 Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 I believe in the laws of attraction. Here's a snippit from link removed You get what you think about, whether wanted or unwanted. All forms of matter and energy are attracted to that which is of a like vibration. You are a living magnet. You get what you put your energy and focus on, whether wanted or unwanted. Energy attracts like energy Everything draws to itself that which is like itself. Here are some ways of expressing the Law of Attraction: Birds of a feather flock together Like attracts like Whatever you want wants you What you sow, you reap What you put out you get back What comes around goes around Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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