Husband with a wandering eye

[earth1]

I have only been married to my husband since June '06. He's generally a great guy, an attentive husband, who tells me he loves me constantly -- and he's great in so many other ways but lately I have been extremely annoyed about his negative qualities (not helping much around the house, loud conversations and an inability to maintain our privacy by sharing our problems with everyone and anyone who is around us, etc.)

 

An ongoing issue in our relationship has been his wandering eyes....he stares at people in general for extended periods of time and if there's a girl who is attractive, he gets a look on his face that would make you think he's never seen a woman before. Last night we went out for drinks with some friends for the first time in a while and as soon as we walked in, he had already found someone who caught his eye. He then notices a guy looking at me and makes me aware of it and asks that I please not look in his direction so that the guy won't think I'm interested. And I didn't because I respect my husband and our marriage. But there was a girl he had been eyeing since she walked in and she was obvioulsy interested in him because she kept giggling with her friend and looking at him. He looked back. At this point, while I have always been able to ignore, I was so upset, I actually went up to her and asked her if she'd like for me to introduce her to my husband. She replied, "I never would have known he was married -- the way he was looking at me." My anger was then directed towards him. I felt completely humiliated...I have felt so insecure since we met -- and his need to look at other women constantly makes things that much worse. He denies it every time...says he had that problem in the beginning but not any more. Am I crazy? Or is this his issue???

[rocio]

Yes, you're crazy. And so am I. Why do we put up with these lifeforms?

[CarnelianButterfly]

Have you told him you consider it inappropriate?

 

If you don't tell him when he's doing it, then he will continue to do it.

 

If he expects you to be demure and never look at men then he should do the same with women. Otherwise its a case of "do as I say, not as I do". He's trying to control you in a not too subtle way and blatantly disrespecting you in public.

 

Glancing at another woman is not a big deal, he's married, not dead, but the exchange of visual contact he had with that woman is not right.

[Hope75]

I would mention to him what the woman said to you last night, and see what he has to say for himself.

[earth1]

Hi,

Thanks for your post. Insecure since I met him -- long story and not really his fault. When we met, I was completely in the dumps -- boyfriend of 7 years had died in a car accident 2 years earlier and I didn't care so much about myself. It's a small world because a girl who had caused a lot of problems in my previous relationship, with the boyfriend who passed away, ended up reappearing -- on my new boyfriend's (now husband) camera...he had apparently dated her for some time. He didn't realize that I knew her and showed me the picture -- I guess thinking I would think he had dated other attractive women. She called him after the first 6months of our dating at 3 in the morning...at which point he changed his number. She always wanted what I had and now I had someone else she apparently still wanted. I was disgusted by the idea of him dating her but I figured that wasn't his fault. But then he told me to start working out (I'm petite...small frame, only 105 lbs...) and to change my hair...things that made me feel "not enough." I guess my self-esteem went downhill from there -- but before him it was because of my emotional self -- and now I feel insecure about my "looks."

[CarnelianButterfly]

not really his fault.

...

But then he told me to start working out (I'm petite...small frame, only 105 lbs...) and to change my hair...

This is his fault, you are not a doll, you a living breathing person and have a right to decide how to wear your hair and how you want to look. His has no right to dictate those things. He sounds like a controlling person. For all the suggestions he makes for you do you ever question them? Do you ever think he needs to accept you?

[earth1]

I do question the suggestions he makes...I think he is insecure too...beyond what I am. Sometimes I don't know whether it's worth my time to stay and try or if I need to move on. I had hoped I had finally found stability and now I feel like I rushed into things.