Torn

[tornhuman]

Hi. First of all this is my first post so hello to anyone reading.

 

Ok, so I really need some non-byist advise. I have been with my boyfriend on and off for two years now. Our current stretch is 11 months today. We have broken up twice, well he broke up with me. We fight a good bit but most of it is not earth shattering. We both have many relationship issues and we are trying to working through them. Recently thing have been going down hill.

 

First is that about a month ago I was engaged to him and he decided after a huge fight to take back the ring and not give it back because he felt we weren't ready. As any person could tell this tore me apart and changed the way I felt inside. Then yesterday we had another fight about something stupid which was blown out of preportion.

 

Like I said we fight a lot and he also threatens to leave a lot. I am tired of the threat to leave. Infact so tired that I can't take it anymore and that I now cry less and less at the thought of it.

 

My problem is that I do not know what to do. I love him very much and on one side I want to be with him and on the other I refuse to say good bye anymore and if he really wants to go I want him to go so I don't have to hurt anymore. Please help!

[Jayar]

Next time he threatened to leave, I'd tell him that if he leaves he isn't coming back. And then STICK TO IT. With any luck, he'll leave.

 

He's working steadily at undermining your self esteem, security, and confidence. This is the sort of thing that turns into a lifetime of mental and/or physical abuse. It does not get better.

 

You are healthily questioning the worth of this relationship to you. The time will come when mentally you are not healthy enough to question it, you will feel that THIS is the way "love" is supposed to be... And then you are trapped.

 

Know this: You do not love him. You love the person you so desperately want him to be. There is a difference.

 

All the best to you, whatever you decide.

[tornhuman]

I do tell him if he leaves not to come back... the thing is he threatens and then doesn't leave. I have told him that if he continues to threaten one day his * * * * will be backed and he won't have the choice to stay.

 

He actually does quite the opposite when it comes to the self esteem thing, he's trying to build.

 

I will say that you are right with the loving what i want him to be however he has actually become what i want him to be.

 

My issues lie solely with is inablity to trust me and to control his temper.

 

The only abuse in this relationship actually comes from me more. I mean we both fight and yell, but I hurt him. I have a problem I enjoy hearing him say ouch basically. I hit and bite him... not leaving marks... so I'm not a monster. Just till he says ouch.

 

But thank you you give me something to think about.

[isisastaria]

Hey! You are experiencing the same stuff I am! We need to stick together! That is exactly what my fiancee has been doing. I just didn't include it in my last post. What would you tell me in my situation? It's labeled "need input: porn case turned real bad". And I'l give you my advice. Maybe we can follow some of our own advice?

[isisastaria]

Have you tried No contact after he leaves? And if he doesn't contact you after that, he wasn't worth it. He LEFT!!! That means he doesn't want to be around you.

[Maverick32x]

hmm... this doesn't sound too healthy at all..... seems like a little common couple violence which isn't good, but happens alot....

 

I think this relationship is kind of breaking at the seams... you paint this picture in your first post about how he treats you badly and you wish that he would just leave when he says he will..... but than you respond with the fact that it is actually all YOUR fault!!

 

which is it!?!?

 

Honestly, I don't think you guys are compatible.. and he might of been right in holding off the marriage due to the fact that you both might not "click" anymore..... I would really try to look at your relationship objectivly.... sadly I don't know all the intricate issues between the two of you... however, if you guys fight about everything and make little issues big ones.... I don't see it working out, especially if hes threatening to leave..

 

I see two paths....

A: You go your separate ways.

B: (and I think this one is more interesting to you) Go to couple's counciling.... both of you probably have issues that you need to work out, so counciling WILL help!!!! This route will take alot of dedication on both your parts.. and you have to actually want to fix your problems (which you MUST want to do, or else you wouldn't be here )

[tornhuman]

Thank you maverick the counceling is what i have been thinking about.

[tornhuman]

Have you tried No contact after he leaves? And if he doesn't contact you after that, he wasn't worth it. He LEFT!!! That means he doesn't want to be around you.

 

I have tried this. He always comes back!

[isisastaria]

TH: Thanks for the post on mine. Good advice! What my therapist said today is that relationships are hard work. None go unscathed. Everyone has their "issues". No one is perfect (no, not I either). I found out what our problem is ...is that we don't communicate properly. I seem to give him the impression that I am attacking and he seems to me that he doesn't care. Then we both escalate and it all goes down....

 

So I've tried this: Don't talk about what he "did". Talk about how you "feel" when he does it. You make it about you rather than being blaming. Now, I don't know what goes on between you in your personal time. I just know that men (and women) tend to take off when they need a breather or feel attacked. DN gave me good advice and said that when people feel uncomfortable, they move away (either emotionally or physically). When they feel good, they come to that source of comfort and don't want to leave.

 

So, I suggest you read a book I really love called ,"Why men love (conn. for femal dog)". It isn't what it sounds like. It actually makes your man's life MUCH easier. Many guys have looked through my book and said, "Wow. this is really accurate."

[isisastaria]

BTW-Let's get into the BEST shape of our lives, (I'll get a SAFE breast job), and we'll trhrow it in their faces! What do you think? I've already started going to the gym a whole lot!

[tornhuman]

Thanks for the advise I love to read so I'll get the book. And the attacking thing is what my bf used to say to me too, told me i was being like his mother. That was terrible.

 

I am so with you on the best shape of our lives thing, I'll commit to going to the gym atleast 3 times a week( i need no breast job I think they are to big he thinks they are perfect, stupid DD....).

 

By the way I really enjoy your advise you are doing the counciling which is the one thing i just can't afford right now!!!! So you share your advise with me and then we can both improve our relationships and be happy together!

[itsallgrand]

The only abuse in this relationship actually comes from me more. I mean we both fight and yell, but I hurt him. I have a problem I enjoy hearing him say ouch basically. I hit and bite him... not leaving marks... so I'm not a monster. Just till he says ouch.

 

You enjoy hearing him in pain?

 

What does he do when you hit him or bite him?

 

I don't think you are a monster at all. I do think that you are underplaying that aspect for sure.

 

It is a big HUGE warning sign of something worthy of your attention when you begin to enjoy giving pain to a person.

No matter how minor you perceive the amount of damage to be.

[tornhuman]

Okay, there is nothing wrong with me I assure you. I am into BDSM. Unfortunitly for me my boyfriend is not interested at all. So the minor pain I do inflict is mostly joking but apparently I don't know my own stregth and hurt him. It is an effect of my "putting my interest on the back burner". I apparently have pent up emotional detatvhment or something is what I was told. Thankfully I got help in that area. I wrote this in response to a comment that my relationship with him was possibly physically abusive. I was just saying he doesn't abuse me physically, not even if I wanted him to. It was a defense I guess. So I'm sorry if I gave anyone the wrong idea. But if you were wanting to peg phsical abuse on anyone in the relationship you'd be closer if you pegged me with it, although I do not beat him I swear!!!!!!