Found out my girlfriend hates herself and drinks to forget

[JimmerJammer]

I've found out some hard stuff as of late and needless to say it hurts me quite a bit. My girlfriend had been going through a lot which she promoted herself actually and what makes it so hard to deal with is the fact that she reminds me of me back when I would do the same things. Yet you'd think that because of having been through a stage in my life where I pushed people away that I cared about, that I'd know how to handle this but I really don't. I've been accomodating and understanding and even to the point where I'd try to reason with her and her drinking habits, but she gets hostile and accuses me of being like the others and not caring about her.

 

Then when she doesn't drink or does drugs she's a complete sweetheart. Yet I feel like the problem isn't just how she views herself, its in the need to escape reality and go to drugs and alcohol as a means to fill that need. I've had to do a lot of soul searching and lose a LOT of the people I love as a result of my past behaviour, even so far as to losing the love of my life whom inspired me to clean myself up and get my act together.

 

I'm afraid of where she will end up and although I do my best to cheer her up and have her think positively about herself, she refuses my requests when it doesn't involve some form of a house party where drinking and drugs are involved. I'm ready to walk away and let her walk down that path of self-destruction, but I don't think that's a good option for both of us as it'd only really be for me as a cop-out for not wanting to deal with it anymore.

 

I've cried about it for the last hour and I know that if I continue to stay with her, I run the risk of being tossed around and not being in a good position mentally. I've almost considered talking to my ex because I don't know how she stuck around as long as she did with me when I was being abusive towards myself. I don't know how to talk to my gf without her getting upset and pushing me away and I don't know how to deal with this

without her going in the opposite direction and end up walking away from me.

 

I'd really appreciate some insight right now on what I should do because I struggled to get past this myself and I know that I felt pretty alone about it even with my ex trying her best. I also know that no matter what anyone told me, nothing mattered and nothing made a difference until I made the choice myself to do something. I really don't want it to come to that though because I don't want her to make choices that I'm not ready to handle and look past because I have to respect myself in the end. I'm almost tempted to be honest about why my ex left me and tell her straight out all the horrible things I did as well as the state of mind I had been in prior to her leaving hoping that she'll come to terms with herself, but I'm worried about being that open.

 

Thanks for the input everyone.

[isisastaria]

I think you need an intervention. She needs to know you'll be gone if she doesn't stop it. End of conversation. Otherwise, you're an enabler

[mintblossom]

contrary to popular belief, sometimes there is nothing you can do. sometimes people have to fall where they make their beds no matter how much you love and care about them.

 

all i know is that the drinking and drug crowd is up to no good and it's best to stay far away. what usually happens if you stay in that is that you will get dragged and bogged down in the mess.

 

i wouldn't think of it was a cop-out, just something you might have to do for yourself.

[EvaGina]

I agree with Teardrops

No one could have helped me when I was in the midst of that kind of thing.

[JimmerJammer]

Ya the honest truth is that if I was in with the wrong croud when I was younger, chances are I'd be caught up in drugs at this point. I've still tried them since that point in my life, but I definitely know that I would have gone down a very dangerous path. Only my way wasn't exactly that good either, what with trying to OD on painkillers and whatever I could find in the medicine cabinet to breaking razors apart to cut myself with the blades. I feel myself being in a very odd place with her. It almost reminds me of how things ended up with me and my ex and here I am being in the position she was in feeling like I aught to walk away for my own good.

 

Only as hard as it is to stay by her side and do my best to turn her off booze and drugs, I'd also feel like a part of me dies because I wasn't enough to help her. I spoke with her tonight and I brought this all up with her. Asking why it seems all she wants to do is go out only when drugs and booze are involved and why she can't just hang out and not make it about that. She said that its because otherwise everything in the city is too boring and there's not much else to do otherwise and all the things I'd suggest she'd shoot down except for a couple.

 

I told her I want to go latin dance with her because I enjoyed it and found out she did that for a while, but she said the last time she went latin dancing with someone, they sucked so she didn't have fun. The other suggestion was to go snowboarding, but I don't have a car to take her out there as we don't have anything in the city. This is where my problem is too as this city can be rather boring and people turn to booze and drugs because of it. What makes her so difficult is that I bring up things we can do as a couple like take leisure classes together like cooking or art or something and she said she wouldn't do something she can just learn on her own.

 

I talked to her mom about her boozing and drug use and she thought I was part of the problem initially so she didn't think much of me. Of course now I'm sure that opinion hasn't changed much as I find first impressions tend to stick. And so I told her that I wouldn't buy her alcohol anymore and would do my part to involve her in things so she wouldn't resort to drugs and alcohol but that I felt I was losing that battle because I'd get shot down almost everytime by her. And I was starting to get upset on the phone because her mom is like that's why I want to put her into rehab so she can get herself together. Yet I found out that all this stuff had been happening since this year and she was a pretty good kid before then. I feel now that because she never experienced it before that its all new to her and its like most of the people I grew up with when they turned 18 and would go boozing all the time, I wouldn't have told them to go to rehab. Only if it took over their life and they were irresponsible by driving under the influence or while drunk or spending all their money when they have school and bills to pay for. Thankfully my gf has it together enough not to do that because I WOULD be doing something about it.

 

I feel that hey drinking can be fun, its not the absolute in life and its not something to go to all the time, but it does a good job at killing time when you want something to do. At the same time I imagine that once we both experiment with things that don't involve alcohol or drugs and find something enjoyable together, that the desire won't be there as much. I told her tonight that as much fun as drinking is that I don't like how she is towards me when she's drunk and that I won't be around should she decide to be irresponsible about it. It was hard for me to say it too.

 

I'm not even sure if it was the right thing to do because if there is a problem its not exactly like I'm encouraging her to want to stop as she told me so much and opened up so much lately that the thought of losing me could make her want to do it more.

[zeusmoose]

Hi

I know it's difficult but sometimes you have to let people really hit rock bottom before they can even start to deal with things. My husband has been with me almost nine years and it's taken me almost ten years to accept that I'm not like everyone else. I always thought that I could do everything normal people do I just had to work harder and after ten years of treatment, two university degrees given on medical grounds I've finally realized that I can't do what other people do. My husband has always got the brunt of what ever was going on and I still don't know why he's with me because I'm a compleat cow to live with. The only thing I would say is that if you feel like you're being pulled down again you may need to step away. I've pulled the blackmail trick before but my husband isn't in the same situation.

Hope things improve

Lou

[zeusmoose]

Hi

I know it's difficult but sometimes you have to let people really hit rock bottom before they can even start to deal with things. My husband has been with me almost nine years and it's taken me almost ten years to accept that I'm not like everyone else. I always thought that I could do everything normal people do I just had to work harder and after ten years of treatment, two university degrees given on medical grounds I've finally realized that I can't do what other people do. My husband has always got the brunt of what ever was going on and I still don't know why he's with me because I'm a compleat cow to live with. The only thing I would say is that if you feel like you're being pulled down again you may need to step away. I've pulled the blackmail trick before but my husband isn't in the same situation.

Hope things improve

Lou[i don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'll understand, when everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls]