samiami Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 My boyfriend and I have been together for over five years, since we were 16 years old. We are now 22 and have lived together for two and a half years. Lately I have felt extremely unhappy and I'm pretty sure that he is too. However, when I try to talk to him about it, he says that I make him feel like crap because I always have something to "b***h" about. He makes me feel bad for wanting to talk about what is wrong with us. Lately, I am jealous all the time. I can't explain it, although little things that happen will make me feel really angry. On the weekends we come home from school to work at the restaurant we've both worked at since high school. There are too many stories about that place for me to explain everything, but overall he won't side with me about anything. Whenever I make friends with new employees he soon takes them over as his friends. And they are all girls. There is one girl in particular who started working at the restaurant in 2004. She is three years younger than us but she is very mature and I liked her, so she and I became friends. One day, she told my boyfriend that I had been smoking (which I quit years ago and he didn't know I would smoke when I was out with her). She told him because he practically forced it out of her. She ended up going to school at the same college as us, and now my boyfriend and she carpool every weekend between college and our hometown. The reason I don't carpool with them is because I also have a job where I go to school and can't go with them. I guess I'm just jealous because he spends so much time with her and she considers him her best male friend. But I can't get over it. He's very secretive with his cell, never lets me see it, although when I bring up this point he makes me feel like I'm just crazy. He's also an incredible liar, which he brags about, and I can't tell ever when he's telling the truth or not. He swears that he'd never do anything with this girl, that she's too young. But she's 19 and we're 22. Since when is that too young? Anyhow, what do you all think? Am I just crazy, blowing this out of proportion? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flow2000 Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 no you are not. Its time for you to leave. Your relationship is already on borrowed time. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locke2121 Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 No hun, your not crazy. You entered this relationship as a girl, and now your becoming an adult woman. Things are starting to look different. Your boyfriends is probably in the same boat as you. He's been with no one but you for years, and now that he is becoming an adult, his views, needs and wants are changing. Is he cheating...I don't think so. But I think that might be the case over time. It might be time for you to consider moving on. If you do make that decision, and don't make it lightly, then try and be the one that makes it for both of you. It will give you the power to go on. Hug/kiss. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samiami Posted February 28, 2007 Author Share Posted February 28, 2007 Thanks for letting me know I'm not crazy. The thing is, I'm still completely in love with him. Not in the "what will I do without him" way, but in the way that I want nothing more than to spend my life with him and raise a family with him. HIM. I just feel like.....I don't even know how to put it into words. Just feel like somethings wrong. I suppose you can't make a person feel the way you want him to. When we do talk about us, he says he does love me and doesn't want us to end. But as you said that he's been with no one but me for years....well, I was his first girlfriend. Ever. I used to worry about this being a problem. I have told him before that if he EVER feels that he needs to see what else is out there to just tell me and we'll work it out. Does that mean he will? I don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
isisastaria Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 You are not crazy. Whenever your bf starts spending lots of time with someone like this, it's ALWAYS trouble. It doesn't need to happen. Does he have any GUY friends? Read this book and if you follow it exactly he will direct his attention back on you! "Why Men Love * * * * *es" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samiami Posted February 28, 2007 Author Share Posted February 28, 2007 He has guy friends. Two of them are in prison (I know that makes them sound bad, but it's a long story and they're not a bunch of losers) and the rest are off at other universities. He sees them over breaks. He has friends here at school, but none he spends a lot of down time with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caro33 Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 The lying thing doesn't sound so great to me. He's proud of being able to lie you say - like what? Does he lie to you that you know about? Does he pride himself on being able to get away with stuff? If that's the case I can see why you're concerned - you have a concrete reason to doubt he's a man of his word. What does your gut say about this girl and her place in his head/heart? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 people change a lot from teenager years to becoming adults... and i can honestly say there is no future with a liar, because liars by default are self centered and don't care about other people, just manipulating reality to make sure their own lives are arranged in a way that makes them happy.... you could be the sweetest woman on the planet, but if he wants to find a reason to roam and pursue other women he will, and most likely lie about it to cover his tracks. so really look at your life now, and don't consider how much times you have 'invested' in it because it is not relevant. is this a person you can trust, and whom you believe, or is he someone who is trying to manipulate you to his own advantage? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samiami Posted February 28, 2007 Author Share Posted February 28, 2007 The lying thing doesn't sound so great to me. He's proud of being able to lie you say - like what? Does he lie to you that you know about? Does he pride himself on being able to get away with stuff? If that's the case I can see why you're concerned - you have a concrete reason to doubt he's a man of his word. What does your gut say about this girl and her place in his head/heart? He's a poker player, so he's proud of the fact that he doesn't give anything away. And it's true, he's great. He has the awesome way of making you believe whatever he says, even though you know it's not true. He's only lied to me one time that I found out about. It was a couple years ago. He had gotten off work and called me to say he was going to study for a test all night at his parents' and then come home. (our parents live in a town an hour away from our apartment. we go there every weekend to work at our old high school job) I was also in our hometown but was planning on leaving soon for Toledo (where our apartment is). My sister came home before I left and said that she saw him at the bowling alley, but he didn't see her. She didn't know the people he was with. So I drove back to Toledo and waited for him. He got home after midnight. I asked him what took so long and he said that the hood of his truck wasn't latched and he had to stop and shut it.....nice little story, I'm sure that took hours. Anyway, so I asked him if he had fun bowling and he looked at me and said he was only there for 15 minutes. He was there with two girls from work, they were supposed to be meeting some guy there and asked him to come so they wouldn't get kidnapped or something. But that's not important. So he's lied about where he was before. That's the only time I've ever caught him in a lie. Sorry I just rambled on there. As for the girl......I just don't know what. Maybe I'm just jealous of her and the fact that they are friends. I mean, she was my friend first, but now we hardly talk. She's passed me at work and gets better sections and hours (we're waitresses) even though I've got seniority and my boyfriend is an assistant manager. I don't know if I can trust my gut. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EvaGina Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 geeze I wouldnt trust him if I were you... You dont even sound like you LIKE him... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samiami Posted February 28, 2007 Author Share Posted February 28, 2007 geeze I wouldnt trust him if I were you... You dont even sound like you LIKE him... These days, I don't. You know that horribly oversaid thing "I love you but I don't like you right now"? That's exactly how I feel as of late. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caro33 Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 I've got to say that the fact he's a poker player is the best reason I can think of to justify your position of staying with a liar . Fair enough, I can see where bluffing etc is of some benign use. So it might seem he's not really lied to you so far, that you know of. I'm going to proceed based on the best possible interpretation of events... You said in your first post that you think he's unhappy too, but that he's not engaging with you to talk about it and he criticises you for complaining, or his perception that you are complaining. Do you think this might improve somehow with better communication between you guys? Let's put the girl aside for a minute and just look at you and your boyfriend, and whatever issues you guys have as a couple. How have you broached these issues? Do you think you can do it better? We can help you with how to address this with him if you like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samiami Posted February 28, 2007 Author Share Posted February 28, 2007 I would like to know how to address it with him. I'll be the first to admit that I am a terrible conversationist. I am much better with a pen and paper. When I'm talking I tend to get overcome with emotion and forget all the things I wanted to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caro33 Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 So you're okay with what to say, but you just need to manage your delivery? At the risk of lecturing you about stuff you already know, the key things to me about raising these issues are: - Write down what you need to say, and finesse it until you are comfortable with it. Get some key messages down, like 5 main dot points. Make these points clear about (a) how you're feeling, (b) what has influenced that feeling, and © what you would like to see changed. Make sure you have solutions proposed, not just problems. Be clear what your own responsibility is too - do what you can to be clear it's not all just up to him to change things. - Pick a quiet time, perhaps after you've had fun doing something. Do not make it last thing at night, do not do it over the phone/text/email etc. Don't do it if he's whiny about anything or feeling pressured for some reason. Don't do it when driving or on your way somewhere. - Say to him "honey, there's some stuff I wanted to share with you" or something like that. Ask if now is a good time, but say it's important. I guess do what you can to give him warning while also avoiding the "honey we need to talk" line. - Maybe even tell him you got nervous so you wrote some points down. Get your points out and read them to him. Be nice and try not to put pressure on yourself. - Give him the chance to respond. Be open and don't push him. If he won't respond say that you'll give him time to think about it, but it is important to you and you'd like for the two of you to feel comfortable raising these things. Ask him if you could have handled this better. I could go on but I won't. These are just my own suggestions and might not work, it depends what he's really like and how big the issues really are. But my overall advice is to just make sure you are as non-confrontational as possible, clear but not accusing. Be open to his views and listen to him. Don't be a doormat though - if he turns into a jerk you don't need to put up with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samiami Posted March 12, 2007 Author Share Posted March 12, 2007 Well, it turns out I was right. He was cheating on me. FOR TWO YEARS. With this girl. When I approached him, I ended up feeling badly for doubting him, because he is so convincing and I love him so much. But then a week later, I receive a 3am text message from the girl saying he'd been cheating on me. With her for two years. I guess he had just broken it off with her and she called me as soon as she left his parents' house. I don't know what to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaDonna Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 Hi again- I had responded to your other thread about your BF cheating and just noticed this one right now. After reading thins one I am convinced more than ever that your best bet is to break up with him and give yourself a chance to be happy in life. BellaDonna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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