Is NC a good thing if...?????

[houdini]

Hello everyone!!!

 

I'm on day 8 of NC. I've read post on here and other forums that in some cases NC is not the thing to do in all situations. One that caught me attention is where someone had mentioned that NC is not always good if the one that dumped you gave you reasons that the dumpee neglected them, didnt show them love, felt alone etc which is what my ex told me and i have to say that I agree. I had focused more on my job and my daughters rather than take a break to nurture the long distance relationship with her and our son. They went on to say that if you do NC in this situation in only validates that you're just abandoning them again and dont' care at all..

 

I did all the post breakup rituals. Begged,cried,professed un dieing love for her, changed, got counseling,church etc...the whole nine yards and I still continue to do so more now for myself than anything. So is NC a good thing in my situation???? she did state to me 8days ago today that "right now she wanted to be alone"....what to do!!!!!

 

Thanks,

 

Mario

[friscodj]

Hey Mario-

 

I've read some of your other posts and the content of those posts, along with this post in the "Getting Back Together" forum, and your very apparent desire to find some reason to contact her and have it validated tells me you are not ready for emotional involvement with this woman at all. You sound simply too shaken up and desperate.

 

Look, she knows how you feel. You let her know in an unmistakable way how you feel through your actions. She said she wants to be alone right now and has not contacted you. Believe me my friend, if she wants to talk to you, she will.

 

At this point, you have to face reality here. Even if she did "come back to you" right now, I don't think you are emotionally ready for it. Begging, crying, pleading, etc. is not symbolic of a healthy emotional basis for a relationship. You need time to yourself to recollect and fortify some emotional stature here. Until you do that I don't believe a healthy and balanced intimate relationship with any woman is possible.

[Wandering_Sword]

I concur with friscodj. From your posts and the PMs you have sent me I highly recommend that you stand back, re- access yourself and heal before considering the ex in any way or form. If you are given the opportunity; say in the near future for reconciliation you could potentially fall into the same problems again.

[terk2021]

Mario,

 

1st, I have to say that Frisco gives great advice. He helped me a lot last year and this when I started, and continue to go through a healing process...

 

In your communication with her, have you written her a letter or email? I am wondering if you really have documented your thoughts and really spelled them out for her. That is one thing that I am really glad I did. I just continued to do it, and do it, and do it. I pushed her away further and further...

 

As far as NC, I ignored it, and try to continue to pursue her to come back. It worked twice, but for a very short time. I am sure you have read, or heard in other posts that NC is to serve a self purpose to heal, reflect, and grieve. It may lead to reconciliation, or communcation with ex, but it may not.

 

I wish you luck.

[houdini]

Friscodj,

 

I agree with you and you opinion on my situation. I also want to thank you for taking the time to read my many rambling post and I've gone back and have read some and I do sound confused and desperate. I know emotionally I'm not capable of contributing to a relationship none the less a relationship that needs fixing. I know that it takes time and that I need to work on myself but since I've taken some time I can't help but feel that I'm not doing enough or the rigght thing to better my chances at reconciliation.

 

In her eyes I've done her wrong and I am despewrate to show her that I regret my mistakes and that I am worth giving a second chance....I just want the right plan to make my chances better if she doesn't come back then atleast iknow I did all that I could have done....

 

Thanks for your help friscodj

[shikashika]

I don't neccesarily agree with NC..

 

Some people like it... I don't really think its the best thing ( for me!)

 

I felt angrier and more frustrated when I didn't speak to him.. Even though it isn't all fairies and cupcakes... i feel better talking to him than I did when I was in complete NC

[houdini]

Thanks for the comments.. And to answer answer terk2021, I have written her a letter explaining my regrets, taking responsibility for my actions and making changes on my own to deal with my own personal issues. She has stated to me in our last conversation (so to speak) by a text message that she appreciates that I'm making changes for me and she's doing the same for herself.

 

I do have alot of personal issues, alot of issues that have preveted me from truly opening up to someone even though I love them dearly. I think there is some abandonment issues I deal with along with other issues I'm working through these issues so that I can make the necessary changes. I know no one is perfect and me and my ex have our own issues (insecurities,trust,abandonment issues) that we have to deal with and maybe this needed to happen so that we work on them separately cause we couldnt seem to fix them while together. I guess my biggest fear is that we'll work through this separately and in the end when we're doing much better that we will have grown further apart. I know no one knows the future, and I know that there is a chance she has met or will meet someone else and it kills me inside because I of what I feel for her and the anger I have at myself for letting my personal problems with myself ruin a possible good relationship if I had just got the help I needed.

 

I want to apologize for those who take the time to read my posts because I'm sure it sounds like I'm a ball inside pinball machine where I'm bouncing here and there and probably making no sense at all. I'm confused, heart broken and I do blame myself. I feel that I've lost a good thing with her, my son and a family. My biggest fear is that someone will step in and give her the happiness I wanted to give her and love I wanted to give her but was to screwed up to fight through my problems....

 

Thanks for listening!!!!

 

Mario

[terk2021]

Mario,

 

I had not read your other posts. If you have expressed how you feel, and she needs time, then it's probably best to give it to her, and to you. No need for apologies to anyone on this board. We are all here for help, perspective, and to try and help...

 

I understand what you mean about the fear. The wondering and questioning is still what sometimes get's me, 8 months after the breakup. I kept pushing, and she kept going, until there was nothing left. I have learned a lot from it, and continue to learn every day.

 

If it's meant to be, you guys will work through it.