Assertiveness, anger and sticking up for yourself

[kate111]

When the ex dumps you in a horrible manner are you entitled to get angry at them? Or be assertive about your own needs financially? Or is it better to shoulder all the financial stuff yourself, do no contact cut them off like a rabies infested limb?

 

Mine dumped me at a very bad time and has left me with a bit of a financial burden (I need to find a new place to live, pay rent, find new job) which he seems to be happy to leave me in.

 

I'm tossing up whether I should "take him to the cleaners" or whether I should try to do no contact and just deal with it all myself.

 

Thoughts? Regrets?

[EvaGina]

it depends

are you entitled to some money off him?

if so, you just have to decide whether the emotional trauma is worth batteling him.

 

EDIT: instead of "taking him to the cleaners" you could always just take what you need... be fair about it. Just becuase he isnt just it doesnt mean you have to be greedy.

[melrich]

In terms of finances I think you have to take the attitude of looking after Number 1. At least to the extent that you get a result that is fair to both sides.

 

In terms of being angry with the ex. It is a pretty natural emotion to feel in that situation. Unless the ex has actually done something wrong by you (cheated, lied, abused etc) that anger will probably fade as you realise that people have to be true to their feelings.

[DN]

What do you mean by 'take him to the cleaners"? If you have a reasonable claim to any money from him then you should ask him for it. But if you mean he should have stayed with you because leaving you would make it hard for you financially then I suggest you rethink your position.

[kate111]

Legally I could demand whatever I want because we entered financially agreements together.

 

What I would be asking for would put me in a much more comfortable position. I would be given longer to find a new place to live and there would be less of a burden on family.

 

He planned his getaway and left me in the poo. This would get me out of the poo.

[EvaGina]

Then you are well within your rights.

Go for it.

[lady00]

Legally I could demand whatever I want because we entered financially agreements together.

 

What I would be asking for would put me in a much more comfortable position. I would be given longer to find a new place to live and there would be less of a burden on family.

 

He planned his getaway and left me in the poo. This would get me out of the poo.

 

I think you should ask for it then. I don't think that on top of the emotions of a breakup you should also have to suffer additionally from financial issues that could be resolved.

[kate111]

I would be asking for more than may be custom. But this would mean that I have a grip on things. I would be in a much better position.

 

But he will be in the poo a bit. Not too badly but it would take him a while to recover.

 

It is my family who will have to shoulder this financial burden otherwise.

[DN]

I think you should separate the two issues. The anger over the relationship ending and any financial settlement are two different things.

 

He has a right to end a relationship that was not working for him. The way he ended it may not have been stellar but that is really not the point. The fact is that you wanted the relationship to continue and he did not - and that is what really matters.

 

Financially, you should do what is fair - but only fair financially. To try to use some sort of leverage that you may have to punish him for ending the relationship would be wrong and unethical.

 

So work out what you have a moral right to in strict financial terms (i.e. what you both agreed to) and go for that.

 

That way you will have a clear conscience and know that you did not try to exact revenge for something that he had a right to do.

[kate111]

Thank you. This isn't a clear cut case. It wouldn't be about punishing him but about putting me into a better position financially.

 

I have a moral right to the money but he probably doesn't think so. He probably thinks he can walk away and it is not his responsibility now.

 

What do you think?

[melrich]

I have a moral right to the money but he probably doesn't think so. He probably thinks he can walk away and it is not his responsibility now

 

How can we say Kate. We don't know what money you are talking about or how your financial affairs were arranged.

 

If you were both contibuting equally to a savings account then yes it should be split 50/50. If he was contributing 75% and you 25% them the split would be according to that etc.

 

It's really hard to make any statement when we have no idea what the joint assets are or how they were built up.

[DN]

I think you should do whatever your conscience tells you is fair.