More q's on social skills

[Celadon]

For those of you with better social skills than me I'd like to get your advice on how to handle a certain social situation.

 

What do you do when you enter a group and there's clearly one person who is dominant? You want to join in. How do you get a word in edgewise, or how do you shift the attention from that person?

 

My problem is that I resent domineering behavior. Often, the dominant person says the same things I would say, but they have the floor. I get so annoyed. For good or bad, it makes me feel competitive. And that makes me go silent, for fear that if I open my mouth I'll say something nasty.

 

For example, today I joined a group of four people and one of the women kept asserting herself and her opinions and her wants. I sat there thinking, "Enough of you, already!" But I was the only one who felt that way, apparently. Everyone else was going along with her, mostly because she was making them feel included (but she was not addressing me).

 

How do I *skillfully* and positively get what I want? I want to feel like I am part of the group. And sometimes, I'd even like to be in the center of the group.

 

Thanks!

[Batya33]

I think having good social skills means letting someone else have the floor for as long as the rest of the group seems to be comfortable with that/accept that. Be a good/active listener, make eye contact with the speaker and with others. Wanting to be the center of attention is not always consistent with good manners or social skills when interacting with a group of people. Sometimes, the best thing to do is after the speaker is done, then say your piece or if someone leaves the group you can have a one on one conversation. It's fine if you don't get to speak - if you're an active listener people including the speaker will assume you're interested and thereforeeee interesting.

[Celadon]

Thanks for the reply, Batya. That was very enlightening, as I usually equate social skills with being able to get what you want out of a social situation -- rather than skills to get along socially (i.e. do what's appropriate).

 

Let me ask you a question then: Do you ever find yourself wanting to be more involved as a talker and not just a listener? Do you want to be in the center sometimes? And if you do, what then?

 

Thanks again.

[Batya33]

Yes, to me social skills are all about appropriate behavior, smoothness, and being other-centered as opposed to self-centered.

 

From my memory -- 10 to 20 years ago the answer would have been yes! - I wanted to be the center of attention and I am sure I would say things just to get to be center of attention. Never worked out well - I wasn't being myself, was forcing conversation or "one upping" the speaker just to be heard. I am good at cracking up entire groups of people -- but I think these days that is because I don't do it to be center of attention but to make people laugh (hmmm obviously the result is the same but I think with the different mindset, when I do it it is effective because I am not "trying too hard.")

 

Over the last 10 years (and somewhat earlier too) I have learned better social skills with great results. In part it took someone close to me saying to stop being so chatty -- the way he said it and the examples he gave resonated with me.

 

See if this makes sense - on a superficial level yes the person at the center seems to get the most attention - positive (and negative!) - but - if you are an active listener and good with body language and eye contact, those people who are not "center of attention" type people or who get overwhelmed or even annoyed with "center" people will notice the warm, approachable friendly listeners.

 

For example, in dating, when I saw a center of attention guy, I would hang back and watch him and his interactions. Often my conclusion was - nope - he's too self-centered and I don't want to have to be one of his groupies. I was more attracted to the slightly reserved guy who was definitely listening in a sharp, bright way but who didn't need the group's accolades because he was confident enough in himself.

 

Look - I am generalizing here - there are "center" people who are not like I described (although if they are constantly center at every gathering I start to wonder if he/she is happy to be one on one in a meaningful conversation - maybe an unfair judgment on my part). And there are reserved people who are not really reserved, just unlucky in their quest to be center ;-)

 

Results for me - when I stopped trying so hard I found that people gravitated to me far more - people LOVE to talk about themselves so if you are an active listener and ask the right, brief follow up questions they will think you are the most interesting person because you are interested in them. Also, people will trust you more - they will assume that still waters run deep, that if you are actively listening but not trying to grab center stage they can trust you not to try to one up them and also not to use what you say as material for their next "center stage" spot.

 

One more thing - try and look for those one on one opportunities - when I go to a networking type event I speak to at least 6-10 people during the evening and most of those are one on one - if not all. I find those conversations far more meaningful and they can lead to actual friendships rather than someone laughing at your center-type one liner.

 

I hope I was helpful.

[run_little_rabbit]

I like to ask questions to the "main speaker" to become involved.

 

Or if it's a larger group and I notice another person looking bored and uninvolved, I'll just talk one-on-one with that person... much like Batya said. (by the way, you have excellent advice!)

[Celadon]

Yes, to me social skills are all about appropriate behavior, smoothness, and being other-centered as opposed to self-centered.

I guess I see what you're saying. Although in the past I have been a good listener (and was criticized by an ex for not saying enough, ironically), I think sometimes I "check out" mentally as well. If I don't have the patience to listen to the 'center of attention' person, I just don't. Instead perhaps I should try harder to connect, although that gets frustrating because sometimes I'm not LOUD ENOUGH (in more ways than one) to fully get people's attention.

 

I'm not one to fight my way into a conversation (some people really want to be included; I feel that's too much effort). And that's been part of the problem, I guess.

 

See if this makes sense - on a superficial level yes the person at the center seems to get the most attention - positive (and negative!) - but - if you are an active listener and good with body language and eye contact, those people who are not "center of attention" type people or who get overwhelmed or even annoyed with "center" people will notice the warm, approachable friendly listeners.

That does make sense, Batya. While the "center" person conveys to the group, "I AM CONFIDENT," by the way they are acting, perhaps the person with the good listening skills can be perceived the same way by remaining engaged at all times. I never thought of it that way.

 

And there are reserved people who are not really reserved, just unlucky in their quest to be center ;-)

Uh, yeah, that would be me.

 

One more thing - try and look for those one on one opportunities - when I go to a networking type event I speak to at least 6-10 people during the evening and most of those are one on one - if not all. I find those conversations far more meaningful and they can lead to actual friendships rather than someone laughing at your center-type one liner.

Impressive! Thanks for the advice. It's really helpful.