Why do people stay in relationship when they are clearly awful?

[VeganBohemian]

I have noticed that SO many people on this site stay with people even after their partner has cheated on them, verbally/physically abused them, etc. Why do people do this to themselves??

 

Yes, I complain about my relationship from time to time, but I am happy 99% of the time. Why do people settle for SO much less than they are worth?

 

It is heartbreaking to read many of the threads on here.

[karvala]

(1) Fear of the pain of breaking up

(2) Fear of never finding anyone else, or at least anyone as good

(3) (Blindly) Optimistic view that things will somehow get better if they just stick with it

(4) Lack of clear judgment about how good/bad it really is

 

Doubtless there are more, but those are some of the major ones.

[mintblossom]

yeah, i wondered about that too. i wondered why i put up with some of the crap that was hurled at me before i finally woke up, learned and said.......no more. im not going to take this.

 

for me, i would say, i got stuck in a pattern. i became really attached when i was vulnerable and hurting and isolated. i didn't want to admit defeat.....that i couldn't fix what was wrong and that it wasn't under my control. i didn't want to admit another person could do this to me. i was in denial......"this can't be happening." it was a way of defending myself. sometimes my mind was in a fog.....other times....i could not admit the pain, and hurt until a year or two later when it was safe to feel the feelings......because if i had felt it sooner, i would have completely destroyed myself. it would have hurt too much.

 

other times...i just didnt want to believe that the person i thought was so "nice" and "good" was really fake, hurtful, lying, manipulative. i didnt want to believe that was who he really is.....didnt want to admit it. i wanted to see him the way i did. other times my system was in shock.....it too me time to fight back.

 

that is why i stayed longer with crappy men instead of cutting them off right away. BUT the thing is......now, if i get the slightest hint of this....im gone. i dont need any more damage to myself. as it is, my faith and belief in humanity is almost completely shot.

 

i am extremely shocked by the vile men i have met.

 

what are other people's reasons??

[terk2021]

People enter into and end relationships for different reasons. There is some truth to people holding on to relationships too long. When you meet someone and fall in love, you see that person as the best thing that ever happened to you. When tough times come, you think the good times are going to return.

 

A lot of it is based on experience. I think we each learn more and more from each relationship that will hopefully help us in future relationships. When you are in love with someone more than they love you, it's harder to step away.

 

My ex brought a lot of the issues from her past relationship into ours. It is easier as time goes on to reflect and understand. Each relationship we enter is unique, and should be. I certainly don't want to judge my next relationship based on my ex...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think there are lots of reasons for this...

 

sometimes people have terrible childhoods where all they see is terrible relationships that their parents engaged in, so they don't know that they deserve to be treated better, and assume they have to put up with bad treatment by their partners.

 

and at the opposite end of the spectrum are people who come from loving or 'normal' homes, where it just doesn't occur to them how many predators there are out there who lie, cheat, use other people, and they just keep thinking they aren't really understanding why this is happening to them, or that they can 'fix' it if they try hard enough.

 

and there are lots of liars, manipulators etc. out there, who are very good at confusing people and playing on their good natures, so it takes a while for a good person to realize how really bad someone else can be, because they themselves would never behave that way, so they don't recognize it in someone else, and keep thinking they misunderstand.

 

but most people when they really 'get' it, break it off... i think that is why people come here, to try to understand what is going on, and other people who post here are trying to help the good people who get stuck in a relationship with a bad person, and only need to get a different perspective to realize what is really going on, and free themselves.

[pinkelephant]

Denial.

 

 

I stayed and am still keeping in touch with him because I can't believe he can be this awful. We've been bestfriends for five years, how can I not know? How can I be so stupid? etc.

[mintblossom]

really fantastic post. that is exactly what i was like...or am like. i came from a "normal", caring home.....albeit my parents were a little dysfunctional and didn't understand emotions, but i did not grow up surrounded by people who had bad intentions. i was bullied as a young girl so i learned to stay in bad situations and just tolerate it.....because i could not get away from the bullies at school and i could not change their behavior. i really think this set me up to take abuse in relationships later on. i got used to being treated badly.

 

when i got out into the real world, there were times i was horribly SHOCKED and just disgusted by the way some people behave. just utter disbelief and this feeling of horror and confusion. this happened so many times. i used to think that you had to do something bad to someone else for them to backstab you or hurt you or use you. imagine my surprise and terror when i was backstabbed and hurt while being as honest and upfront a person as i could be. i've met men who lie and manipulate me, ACCUSE ME of lying and manipulating them and telling me we couldn't be friends cuz I was SHADY. (GAH!!!)

 

sigh....the thing is...i just can't live like that anymore. my whole system will shut down..i just can't take it. so now....i stay away from relationships altogether.

[EvaGina]

Then again, I have a friend (you know who you are) who stayed with a guy for ages who was treating her badly... she had all the same lines that everyone has "he said he would change" and all of that...

 

... But he has. Its taken a long time but he has put in a real effort and is treating her really well, they are totally happy

[Aurian]

Sometimes they win you over with a wonderful fantasy persona, and then when they turn rotten, they convince you that it is your fault and if you just tried hard enough, Prince Charming would be back.

 

And its hard to leave if you were the one who "made" them act this way. If you were convinced to believe this...

 

Its also hard to shrug off these lies when you love the other person and trust them. It took me 3 years of abuse before I finally realized that no matter what I did, the man I married (and known for two years before that) wasn't coming back.

[Parsley]

Some people don't want to admit they were wrong about someone. When things were getting worse and worse and more and more difficult to deal with alone with my ex, I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to have to say "He's not what I said he was" It hurt (and still does) so much to remember feeling so dizzingly happy and talking to my friends about him and how many times I forgave him even when they said "Open your eyes". I hate to be reminded of how bad a judge of character I was.

[Daligal83]

I stayed for many (bad) reasons. One is low self-esteem. It took me 20 years to get my first boyfriend and I didn't want to wait another 20 for the next one, so I just stayed.

 

Another is that my entire live revolved around him. He wouldn't spend time with my friends or family, so I integrated into his life and didn't have much to go back to.

 

Like someone else said, the fear of admitting defeat, the fear of failure.

 

It was familiar and comfortable and easy.

 

I had something in me that said it was bad to be single. I found out after I dumped him that I LOVED being single. Wish I had known that earlier!

 

Even though he treated me horribly, breaking up with him was really scary. He had been such a part of my life for 2 years and that big of a change is terrifying. It was one of the smartest things I did though. And I don't regret dating him. It taught me what NOT to have in a relationship and I can appreciate my current boyfriend even more

[mintblossom]

Sometimes they win you over with a wonderful fantasy persona, and then when they turn rotten, they convince you that it is your fault and if you just tried hard enough, Prince Charming would be back.

 

And its hard to leave if you were the one who "made" them act this way. If you were convinced to believe this...

 

Its also hard to shrug off these lies when you love the other person and trust them. It took me 3 years of abuse before I finally realized that no matter what I did, the man I married (and known for two years before that) wasn't coming back.

 

i can so relate to this.....there are just so many times when i start feeling confused and hurt and wondering WHO he turned into and WHO he really is. AHHHH!!!!

 

the thing is i finally put my foot down and said, no, im not going to take this, im not going to live like this, i dont care if other girls will tolerate it, i am not okay with this. i finally learned self-respect for myself, i learned to fight back and most of all, i learned to walk away.