Need a reality check please!!!

[Steelergal]

Well...mine is a long story and if you are interested in a background please look at my original threads but here is what happened in the last few days....

 

Because I enforced my husband's financial responsibilities per our separation agreement, he sent me very nasty e-mails accusing me of not being able to be trusted, sneaky, manipulative, crazy, etc and said that he hated me and did not want any contact other than business-related from me. So I resolved yesterday that I would go NC because I just can't handle this treatment from him anymore. I am so depressed and crushed that I just can't take anymore of his emotional roller coaster. So yesterday I sent him a good-bye e-mail and left a phone message saying that I am going to respect his wishes and I will be leaving him alone and that I am heart-broken and all I ever wanted to do was love him and be married to him. But he made the choice not to be with me so I will move on, as painful as it is. I thought that I was doing what he wanted.

 

But then today he sent me 3 e-mails. In two of them, he said that he was confused about if I still want to try to work this out after everything that he has done and that I have found out about him and this other girl. I was like * * *??? I didn't even think that option was on the table for him anymore. He has never come out and answered me as to if he is fine with getting divorced and if he doesn't want to be together but I figured that he had made that pretty clear from his actions. Of course, the pathetic part of me that still has a glimmer of hope was like "Could we really work it out and be together again?" It actually made me feel happy for a moment.

 

BUT...here is what he has put me through....

 

*was extremely verbally abusive and neglectful to me last summer

*was having an emotional affair with a girl he supervises at work

*lied to me and manipulated me in regards to affair

*did not communicate with me about problems in our relationship...confided in HER instead

*bad-mouthed me to friends and family behind my back

*lied to counselor in couples counseling

*told me out of the blue he didn't think he wanted to be married to me anymore and moved out to hotels and ran up our credit card

*treated me like crap during that time and would not take my calls or talk to me about anything...basically ignored me while he continued the new relationship....I was a complete wreck and could not even function

*would not discuss finances, selling the house, or splitting possessions

*began physical affair with her

*refused to give her up to work on the marriage

*put me in a financial and emotional position where I had to leave my house, my job, the city we lived in (to move in with my parents), and all of my friends

*has made every step of this separation hell as far as being financially responsible

*will not communicate on the phone to discuss our relationship in any way

*I am in counseling and a support group for verbal/emotional abuse as it seems he was abusing me for years which was destroying me and causing anxiety/depression/migraines

*all of my family and my/our friends hate him for how he has treated me

*his mother was sending me threatening e-mails and phone messages

*sends me e-mails blaming everything on me and manipulating me to get things

*lied to me about not being with the other woman after Christmas...said maybe we can work things out...but then was caught in the act by PI

*has admitted to a full-fledged relationship with this girl (who is also married) and is living with her, sleeping with her, and caring for her baby

*has not shown a shred of respect for me in months

 

OK...I think I could add even more but that is long enough...you get the picture. So am I crazy to even consider reconciliation at this point? Why would I even want that after all he has done to me? Why do I miss him and our marriage so much? I know I need a reality check here! HELP!

 

Another thing he brought up in the e-mails that is stressing me out....he wants to contact our friends to try and "rebuild friendships". I have found out that he was slandering me to people before and even though people have stuck by my side and think that what he has done is heinous....I am afraid that he will steal those friends from me again. He is very smooth and manipulative. He hasn't spoken to any of these friends in months (didn't even tell any of them we were splitting; I had to do that) and I frankly don't feel like he deserves those friendships after the way he has treated me and everyone else. Some friends that he e-mailed when all of this started saw right through him and just were disgusted with his lies and manipulation. But I am worried about these other friends...which are more of our mutual couple friends. I have worked hard over the last few months to restore these friendships and now I feel that he is going to swoop back in and take them from me again. And some of these friends...he was lying to them about the affair..but yet they are still willing to be friends with him? I don't get that! So does anyone have any advice on this situation too? I hope I am making sense explaining it. Basically I am very afraid of what he is going to say about me and how he will twist the situation since he has done it before.

 

OK...this is way too long...thanks for listening to my vent!!!

[southerngirl]

YOu are grieving the loss of the relationship. This is normal. You need to just continue walking the path that you have begun and proceed with the divorce. He is abusive and is playing games with you. You deserve more. You are grieving for the loss of what you hope he would be, not what he is.

 

Continue with your support group and the counseling, it can help but these things take time. Let him be and go on with your life.

[friscodj]

Hey Steelergal-

 

I don't think I can find the words to express to you how I'm sorry that you are in this situation.

 

Abusive situations like this are no good. No matter which way you look, you see pain and suffering. You know this is a situation you get out of but the mountain of pain, grief, etc. ahead of you looks to be so insurmountable that you generate illusions of comfort and happiness if maybe things would change if I stay in this. If you detach from it you will surely suffer but if you stay things may change. And your self-esteem and subsequently your outlook for the future has been so mutilated by the situation that you find familiarity and normalcy in this pattern and worse yet, in time, think this is what you deserve. This is the trap...

 

The thing is, if you separate from this situation, you will hurt and you will likely visit places in the pain cave I never knew existed. But your suffering will be temporary and it will be done away from an abusive person and situation that is taking your sanity with every passing day.

 

I don't even see an option of "reconciliation" (notice quotes) here, because can you really reconcile with hell?

 

Read your checklist again! What would you think if I posted this and you were not wrapped up in the situation yourself? What would you tell me? Or better yet, what would you tell your daughter or best friend?

 

For the love of God the checklist you posted above reads like emotional rap sheets that belong to Charles Manson and everyone in his cell block. I can't believe you are even here to tell the story.

 

The first thing you absolutely must do is tie up the loose business ends and get as far away from this guy as you can. Don't even give yourself other options for doing such because when you start thinking, start wondering, you'll start letting yourself become vulnerable to his manipulative and abusive tactics in addition to fanning the fires of your uncertainty about what to do here that will ultimately burn you. Realize your position right now, realize you have been affected by this situation. Realize it and don't listen to these voices of doubt knowing they are products from this situation. Blindly keep going out of this and don't consider any other options.

 

You can do it. You've got people here who care about you, people in your life to support you, and most importantly you have yourself because if you lived through what he put you through, you can live through anything. You are tougher than you think in this way and I think you should believe in yourself, believe in the reality of this situation, and believe you can get through this because I have no doubt you can.

[Honey Pumpkin]

At first, I thought, well maybe - see how counselling goes etc. Then I read all the stuff he's done, and thought ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

 

No, you should not try again. I'm sorry this is so hard, but a half hearted email from him saying about trying again in no way cancels out even ONE of the things that he has done. Not one. I cannot see that you can try anything else. It's so hard to let go of something, but you've given this your best shot, and he's been vile.

 

Maybe he's having pangs; maybe he's realising how fabulous you are and what he has lost. Tough. He could have done this months ago, and put some real effort in.

 

Good luck!

[radioheader]

get away as quickly as you can...i agree with everything friscodj said...

 

you can get over the intense short-term pain you will have by leaving him but avoid the long-term agony of a relationship with him if you try to work it out...he will destroy you with that kind of treatment if you stay with him...

 

you deserve so much better! you will find happiness and joy without him...you will! hang in there and good luck!

[bitbybit]

It sounds like what you're missing, and maybe the reason you're thinking of reconciling - is the financial (?) security he brought you -- looking at your list, he obviously didn't give you one single thing more than that! I know it's scary, but you can do it on your own -- all divorced women (and men, too, probably) go through that -- don't worry, you will get by.

 

You're obviously an extremely resilient woman to be able to put up with all the crap he gave you over the years - what a list! - so I'm sure you'll be able to get through this.

 

And if he's so lousy, why are you worried that he'll steal back your friends?

 

He's just put you in a bad place with his email -- ignore him, be strong, and continue with the divorce . . . . . I know you can do it!

[generalelectric]

Sorry to hear he is trying to lead you into another emotional whirlwind. I know what it feels like to have every fiber of your body telling you "No, don't go back!" But then that weak part of you wants to run back to him.

 

If you can continue on the path of self healing that you have already begun, you know that wonderful things await you. I have to believe that God/fate/destiny did not lead you here to drop you on your head so to speak, or lead you back to a man that is not worthy of you.

 

As I have heard many times in my struggle, similar to yours as you know, I am the only one who can choose to end my marriage and to move on. People can advise me and comfort me, but ultimately I have to decide what kind of future I want. DO you want to keep revisiting the same issues with a manipulative abusive man, because really he probably won't change. Think of an entire lifetime of misery with him (that is if he didn't have another affair and pull the same crap) as compared with the small amount of time you will feel pain from your divorce...Really the pain is heartwrenching, believe me I know, but it ends!!! I believe what people tell me and no one in a similar situation has ever told me that they regret their divorce.

 

You are in my thoughts. Good luck.

[Steelergal]

Thank you, thank you, thank you....for the replies, advice, and support! It is soooo helpful to read all of that. I am going to print this thread out and keep it with me for strength.

 

When I go back and read my list over, it does look pretty horrendous. And I didn't even include everything!!!

 

The funny thing is that..as far as finances go...he did not even provide that for me. Throughout our entire relationship, I was the bread-winner--making at least twice what he did. And I provided all of the benefits. Thanks to my income, we were able to have the lifestyle that we did. He was also able to do whatever he pleased and I supported him as far as encouraging him with advancing in his career and going to grad. school. I put my career on hold for him. In fact, I quit my full-time position in August and went part-time so that I could do more at home (since he was working full-time and in school), to transition because we were getting ready to have kids, and because I wanted to eventually make a career change. We were still making alot of money but he felt like it got too "financially stressful." It really wasn't; we just had to cut out alot of the extravagant stuff. Of course, right after I went part-time was when he did all of this crap so I was completely stuck. I couldn't go back full-time at that point. I feel like he made me more dependent on him financially than I had ever been and then dumped me. I carried him for all of those years and when it was his turn to step up to the plate, he bailed on me. My earning potential is actually far greater than his so no...I don't miss that about him! He went through our money like it was water....and then threw a tantrum when I tried to curb spending and get us on a budget!

 

As far as the friend situation, I just know that he is very smooth and manipulative. Luckily, where we were living...people caught on very quickly to the type of person he is and did not fall for his lies or believe the things he was saying about me. However, I am concerned about our friends from college that he is trying to manipulate back. They have never seen this side of him and find it hard to believe. They just remember how fun he was back when we all lived in the same town. So those are the ones that I am worried about. Although he did pretty much lose touch with them once we moved a few years back...but now he is so anxious to "rebuild" after I have worked so hard to maintain those friendships. I think that those friends will feel more torn with what to believe and might fall for his little act.

 

OK...I'm rambling again...mainly I wanted to let you all know how appreciative I am of your support!!!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This says it all: 'He is very smooth and manipulative.'

 

So you start to finally pull away and tell him so, and NOW he wants to come back?? I don't think so... or he may be back just long enough to wreck your credibility with all your own friends. you are saying he is terrible and lying and manipulating and then YOU take him back? they will just say to themselves, get outta here, that is one nutty relationship and we don't want a part of it...

 

really, continue with your counselor to try to figure out why you would even consider this with him... on the one hand you are pointing out how horrible he is, but you want horrible back again? you deserve better than horrible, and if you are unrealistic enough about him to have fantasies he will change or your life will be better, then you need to be in therapy about adjusting your own fantasies to be closer to reality... will just have a lifetime of hurt if you don't start genuinely choosing people who are good for you...

 

besides, why do you care what everybody you've ever met thinks of you... friendship is not a competition, between you and your ex... good friends will stick by you and blow his lies etc. off, bad friends who side with him are better off gone.

[Semid]

Dear steelergal, time put things in their right place.

 

He can blackmouth you, but the way he behave with you is the way he is going to behave with others.

 

Just wait....

 

Take care...

[Steelergal]

It really is pathetic that I would even entertain the thought of getting back together, isn't it?

 

That probably shows how little self-esteem and self-respect I have. A counselor that I am seeing at the women's shelter said that the years of verbal and emotional abuse have me brain-washed into thinking that I should tolerate this behavior...I'm conditioned to it and want to only see the good I thought was there because that's what he trained me to do. Scary and a little overwhelming to me....

[bitbybit]

Great job, Steelergal -- continue with the counsellor -- a lot of what you told us about you shows me that you are a very strong, capable woman -- take back your true thoughts and feelings about yourself, and get rid of the ones that belong to him . . .

[friscodj]

A counselor that I am seeing at the women's shelter said that the years of verbal and emotional abuse have me brain-washed into thinking that I should tolerate this behavior...I'm conditioned to it and want to only see the good I thought was there because that's what he trained me to do.

 

This is exactly why you shouldn't even allow yourself to think about situations like this. There is no way you are going back. You get out, you get away first and think later...