It's been months. Someone help.

[Jennifer08]

This forum is incredible. Especially right now.

 

My boyfriend of three years and I broke up because we were both studying abroad. It was, I'll admit, completely his decision. I wanted to stay together for the semester anyway, and he said he needed to see what else was out there and enjoy studying abroad and not deal with a long-distance relationship, but this wasn't breaking up because if we still wanted it when we came back, we could get back together and our relationship would be stronger than ever. He cited his cousin who broke up with his girlfriend and moved to California and realized that he missed her and loved her, flew home and asked her to marry him.

 

I understand that. And I remind myself everyday that studying abroad is the perfect way to have our independence without having to deal with the horrors of a break-up.

 

We talk maybe twice a week and we plan to see eachother in April over our spring breaks. The flights were too expensive for me to fly where he is even though he wanted me to visit before then.

 

But, I'm finding that two months into my semester abroad, I still think about him all the time, I still cry, I still can't sleep at night and can't get up in the morning, I still wish he'd e-mail me or call me when he doesn't have to,...

He has recently stopped responding to my e-mails and not e-mailing me, so I am taking this as a harsh sign that things have taken a turn toward his independence. As a result, I'm not e-mailing him or seeking him out anymore. I think it's the only thing that I can do in this situation.

 

I'm staying busy and making the most of this abroad experience. I have great female friends here, but I still feel extremely lonely and I miss him so much. And I feel like he's broken my heart repeatedly. First, when he said we shouldn't stay together for abroad, secondly when he arrived abroad when I had been here for some weeks and when we talked he told me that he missed me and wanted to kiss me (breaking the rules that we'd established), and then completely backtracking and refusing to speak nice of me or support me when I'm having trouble here with school and family and the problems of life.

 

I wish I could just stop thinking about him and could move on. And it's not that I need to fill a void of a relationship or something by constantly being in one, but I wish there were boys here...There are few and they're sleazey, but this should be my semester to explore just as it is his.

[adahy]

Being abroad is hard on a relationship. It's not that easy to make a quick call over there (wherever there is). Time differences, language differences, cultural differences and other barriers complicate things. I recall going abroad and although I didn't contact home often, I still thought about them. Thinking back, there was so much exciting, new and different. combined w/ school and other things I had to do or learn, having "home" as my top priorty was next to impossible. I did reach a point after a number of months where I became very homesick...friends, family, etc. Also, after returning, it usually takes some time to readjust. I was disgusted by American culture when I returned, but I eventually got sucked back into the routine. I'm just saying he might not be the same guy as when he left. Nonetheless, I don't think you should start seeing other guys to spite him, or because you're hurt at the moment. I think you should do what feel right...if that means waiting a couple more months to see what happens, I'd do that. However, if some new guy comes along that really sweeps you off your feet...well, I'd do that if it feels right. But, I wouldn't just go find some guy to hook-up with because you've got a couple months to wait/know.

[CarnelianButterfly]

When ever I hear someone say they want to see if there's something better out there, that to me sounds like an insult. To me they are saying "you're all I got right now, but I don't think you're good enough".

 

This guy doesn't respect you and your emotions. If he did, he would have made it a clean break. The way it is now, he's stringing you along so that when he goes out in the world and fails to find something "better", he's always got you as backup. He's being selfish and really doing you no good as a boyfriend or a friend.

 

I think you did the best thing for yourself by cutting contact. You need to heal and move on, he may not feel it’s an official break up, but that doesn't mean you can't make it official.

 

Imagine what life later on will be like if you stay together, he will find some situation too hard to deal with and be in a relationship, so he'll dump you just to get back together when its all over (that is if you are still considered "best"). Relationships are thick and thin, not at the convenience of one of the parties.

[jordan1234]

I think that being abroad and being that age that this hapens a lot. It happened with me....I was happy with my girlfriend but i knew it would be so hard to make it a priority everday and have to call and write, etc. I loved her very much but it thought this was an opportunity to really test myself and see how i felt. When i got abroad it was so new and different that i got totaly engulfed. but when i came home i missed my GF and wanted to get back which we did. When you are young i think it is natural to want to see where you stand with others and see whats out there. if he wants back in afterwards then thats true love.....

[CarnelianButterfly]

if he wants back in afterwards then thats true love.....

How is that true love and not just falling back on someone you already ditched? True love would be making the effort to stick it out.

[jordan1234]

i think when your young and your in college, AND taking time to study abroad, you would naturally be curious about what elese is out there. Sticking out this type of relationship is hard and i dont think there is anything wrong with taking some time (when your young), to make sure your doing the right thing.

[sofia84]

Hey, I just wanted to say that I've been going through a similar situation. My boyfriend and I broke up because I was going abroad and even though we were officially no longer together, I still continued to e-mail him and talk to him on the phone during the first semester. I even went back to visit him once and we nearly "broke the rules". Going back abroad after that, I decided I couldn't stay in this unclear situation and so I tried to move on but it was hard since we had promised to stay friends. I couldn't make myself do NC.

 

Anyway, so I went back again this semester to visit friends and I saw him as well (unlike the first time I didn't stay at his house). Before going, I had promised myself not to touch him or get too near! We went to a party and I kinda made sure we weren't left alone for a very long time. We had a pretty good time and were definitely nice to each other. In a way, I was glad we were getting on so well and just being friends, but on the other hand I was hurt by the fact that I was just any other friend now. So after the party, I said good night and goodbye and got on the plane the next morning. I haven't spoken to him since.

 

It's been a month now and I have to say it feels good not to wait by the phone for him or for an e-mail (waiting for contact from him used to be a huge burden). And it's good knowing you don't have calls to return or e-mails to reply to (once one person starts contact, it becomes a cycle that's hard to break). To be honest, I'm actually grateful and not bitter that my ex hasn't contacted me since. I think we care enough about each other to let the other person heal and move on.

 

Also, like you, I don't find the boys here attractive (not the ones I've met so far anyway!) so I made a conscious decision to just enjoy being single for a while and spend as much quality time as possible with my friends (definitely missed out on that while I was in a relationship). Oh, and travel, explore the new country. Exercise is also good. Anyway, I'm sure you have your own ways of keeping yourself busy! Good luck

[Jennifer08]

You all offer such wonderful advice and insight. I know I posted this a while ago, and some days are good and some are bad with a lot of confusion in between. I'm seeing him for a few days in a month and I'm pretty scared about it, but I want to keep in mind that nothing is guaranteed, including me for him.