Sad, tired....

[Gracelove]

..... Depressed.

Today I went to the gym to get a membership. I told the trainer that I had put on about 69lbs. in the past year.

She asked me why, if I was under a lot of stress; i told her I was sexually assulted (breathe).........

....And after that, I realized I wasn't...I wasn't breathing.

I didn't realize that's what happens when I mention my assult to someone else.

The only people I've mentioned my assult to (in person) have been my therapists, parents, and boyfriend.

With everyone else it's been over the phone or via internet, so I guess I never realized it before.

Anywho.

She offered her condolences and I focused on breathing again.

I told myself to pretend that those words never left my mouth, and I was able to pretend that I hadn't mentioned the assult. And I eventually started breathing again.

Anyways, I'm tired and I'm scared.

I don't want to have another breakdown.

It's hard for me to think again. My memory is suffering again.

I'm starting to feel uneasy and light-headed when around a lot of people.

I'm scared.

I have to go to work tomorrow, but I don't want to go. I really need the day off.

But how will I explain it to my boss. I just got off of vacation.

But I need the time for me. I really need it. I'm afraid of overloading.

I feel it. I feel it in my body. And I feel sick.

I feel sick when I eat and when I don't eat. I feel like breaking down into tears. I can't make it.

And how do I explain it to my boss?

He doesn't know about my assult or my depression, or that I stopped taking medicine a couple of months ago.

I mean, when do I take care of me? Should I take off tomorrow, or suffer through another day and barely keep it together???

This long-distance relationship is killing me. Killing me inside.

I want him here with me.

I don't want to go to Alabama. I don't want to say there.

I'll be depressed alone, in an apartment, with ugly surroundings, no job, alone.

Alone, with me.

What am I suppose to do with that?

I feel trapped.

Trapped living with my parents. Trapped living away from my boyfriend. Trapped if I move back to Alabama.

I need help.

Serious help.

I miss my old therapist so badly.

I don't like my new therapist, I don't really trust her, she communicates with my parents and I don't know what she's telling them.

I can't afford my own therapy.

I can't afford anything really, which really sucks.

I'm waiting for May to roll around so that I can walk and have an official degree and maybe earn enough money to live on my own.

I went to that place, that place I hate. My school, university, whatever.

I went to that place where I experienced so many traumatic things, and I hated it as usual.

But my boyfriend was there with me and I really needed him.

As time went on while I was there I was spacey, unfocused, feeling light-headed.....

I don't know, and all I can think about is how I don't want to go back there and be fat.

Gosh, I'm so tired!!! I feel like everything is over my head, like it's too much.

I can't take this.

And my family is having their own issues, not like they can support or help me too much.

I don't know, maybe I should just take a break and go back to Alabama, but I don't want to be stuck.

I don't want to get stuck there. And if I don't have a job here (in California) then I'll probably be stuck there, because there will be no way to get back.

It's not fair for someone to be so tortured.

I'm hoping that swimming will help to relieve my stress.

Life is much better than it was after I was raped but it's still really painful and unhappy.

Maybe I should rest. I mean, my mental health is more important than a missed day of work right? That's what I tell myself, but I can't make myself believe it.

Any advice?

[NKP]

Fake a sickie have the day of just relax, have a nice warm bath or something and listen to relaxing music, so you can get your mind of things. Dont do anything stress full, go shopping, watch a movie, hang out with friends or something, just do something for YOU, something you enjoy

[isisastaria]

Gracelove, I am SO sorry this has happened. It's really good you are going to a therapist. You should share with her that you don't trust her. They can handle comments lilke that. She isn't supposed to talk to your parents without your permission unless you're a minor or you give your permission. Tell her you can't have an effective session with her if she keeps telling them things you don't want her to tell them. Some things therapists are required by law to tell parents under certain circumstance if they are a minor. PLEASE tell your therapist!!!!

 

It will be hard for a while. You probably have developed a degree of post traumatic stress disorder. Google it for more info. What you are feeling is normal. what you are feeling is a protective mechanism. What you are feeling is a process that will get better and better.

 

I am so glad you are going to the gym! That can help so much!!! If you do it regularly, it can cut depression SO much!!

 

Good luck! I hope everything turns out well. Is it Okay if I tell you to pray pray pray?

[mintblossom]

It's so important to find the therapist that is right for you. I really think so. Over the years, I was having a lot of breakdowns (because of the abuse) and I went to all these school counselors. Now, my school did not have adequate counseling resources at all so I constantly had to switch to a new person and was not able to form a relationship with any particular person. It would calm me down for a brief period of time but then I would get worse and erratic again. In that time period, I never healed, I would maintain for a few days before spiraling downward into a mess.

 

I thought therapy was useless and not helpful at all. I didn't realize it was because I was going to the wrong people. Then, I found my current therapist. I feel so lucky to have her because she "gets it". She understands what I'm talking about when I say it and I have begun to trust her more. It's so important to have trust in your therapist and to keep searching until you find the right person. That's when you really really begin to make progress and to feel comfortable peeling back the layers.

 

I think it's also important to have a therapist who will maintain your trust and confidentiality and who will not tell your parents. This is very private stuff!! The right person can really make a great deal of difference.

[Gracelove]

Thanks guys!!!

I did stay home from work today, and I did go to the gym.

I'll try my hardest to avoid anything stressful. Maybe I will taking a bubble bath here.

It's raining outside.

My parents will be coming home today and unfortunately that's a stressor in itself. So I'll take advantage of what time I have.

Whew!!!

I didn't want to be here again. Ya know. I wanted to get better and stay better, I didn't want to digress (sp?).

But I'm here again. I'm in a place where I can't trust my mind. It's like a car that has been sitting in cold temperature and is taking forever to warm up. Actually I don't know when it'll warm up.

I'm cold. I so scared of having sex, and feeling like I'm being raped again.

IT's like I thought everything was going to be okay and now it's not going my way again.

Everything is so overwhelming.

Work: They're adding to my duties but I'm not paid nearly enough. And that's my fault.

I want a second job but I don't know if I'll be able to handle the extra stress, espicially without medicine.

There is stress everywhere. I really need my own place, ya know. But I'll have to work two jobs for a while to get there, but I feel I'll be able to do it, I just don't know when.

Oh well.

Thanks for your support guys, it really means a lot.

~with love always, Grace