friend in an unhealthy relashonship

[astaro]

well, i have been pondering what to do about this for a while, here goes, will try to keep it short

 

he a met a girl online they slowly became involved while she had a boy friend. after around a month she broke up with her boyfriend and came here (difrent countrys, difrent coltures, not easy) and was here for a week (stayed with him at his parents house).

they both seemed very happy and after she left he wouldnt stop talking about her, two months later she came back and has been living with him at his folks house ever since.

 

now, he's an avid computer gamer, allways has been. and he has a tendency of spending a little to much time infront of the computer. now back in the day we had several conversations and he realised that this was among the things that are causing his pretty constant depression. when he started leaving the house he began to feel better.

 

since he's been with her he has very little contact with his friends (i have heared people in our circle of friends worrying about him aswell). all he does is work (has a small business, work means sitting in an office with no windows with two other friends). have seen him once without her since she came. i understand, new relashonship, she didnt know any people here at the time.... but in my expirience a person who looses contact with all his friends is heading for a rough time.

 

i am worried he is heading twords depression and a very painfull brakeup, he's 22 and this is his first serius relashonship, she's 27. as far as i know they dont do much other then sit and play computer games one next to the other. i am worried that raising this issue with him will cause an explosion and not really sure how to approach it with him. i know how people get defensive over their relashonships in situations that are MUCH MUCH worse then that.

 

one last point is its been four months now, the initial excitment lasts around 3 months usualy and this just looks like its heading in a bad direction.

 

any advice would be appriciated.

[EvaGina]

oh man, your not in nz are you?

 

yes, its unhealthy... I mean, they should be going and seeing his friends TOGETHER if she is complaining about not knowing anyone but him!!

[astaro]

nz? i dont know where that is so i guess thats a no

 

i dunno, she either dosnt really like us (his friends) or is very shy.

the times i met her she just seemed really cold to me, i could be talking to her and half way through my scentance she would turn around and start kissing him or laying his head on him or something. heard multiple people mention this behavior, most just dont really feel comfortable around her.

[EvaGina]

nz? i dont know where that is so i guess thats a no

 

i dunno, she either dosnt really like us (his friends) or is very shy.

the times i met her she just seemed really cold to me, i could be talking to her and half way through my scentance she would turn around and start kissing him or laying his head on him or something. heard multiple people mention this behavior, most just dont really feel comfortable around her.

 

Oh dear

from what you have said she sounds totally dependant.

I say just invite them out a lot... she probably hates anyone who takes his attention from her, but hopefully that will subside when she starts to trust his friends.

 

THE WORST thing to do would be to try get in the middle of them

[astaro]

i have been trying that, havnt really been talking to him other then him calling me to ask me to write a letter for him to extend her visa.

 

asked them both out a couple of times and he allways sais their staying home tonight. i asked him a couple of days ago if we can get together to have a beer cuse we havnt spoken in a while and i am going through a brake up and need someone to talk to, told me (his words) "i will have to check when i can get some time off" and i havnt heared about it since (though only been 2-3 days since)

[belissima86]

I personally think it's important to express your concern. But do just that, you need to make sure not too "attack" him, his girlfriend or their relationship because that will just make him defensive as you have already said.

The thing is, that in relationships sometimes it's hard for someone to see what they really are involved in, and while it may be clear to you and your firends this is not a good thing, he may be thinking that this is healthy and normal...or maybe he is willing to sacrifice all this for this girl.

I read in a post yesterday that it take 3 months to a full year for the "dumper" to break up with the "dumpee" from the moment they decide to do so. Also the fact she is living with him and rather dependant on him not does not help. But what you could also do is help him get his identity back, let him know you are there and if anything happens he wont be alone. You want what is best for your friend and he will need you there for him when the time comes. It's hard to see it happen to your friend, but don't worry, a good few people learn the hard way.

[astaro]

well, still havnt heared from him, i supose i will just nag some more and drag him out for a beer (kicking, screaming and whining like a 12 year old most likly)

 

thanks for the advice guys (well gals)

 

 

Edit - NZ = new zealand?