Am I too needy?? Or is he just annoyed?

[chigal28]

I don't know if I'm depressed, or what, but I get in these phases where I start crying for no apparent reason, and need reassurance big-time. My bf was always very understanding about this--he'd hold me really tight, tell me he loved me, etc. All exactly what I needed.

 

But for the past month or two, when I cry, and can't really explain why (I always have theories about what's bothering me but they're pretty nebulous), he seems to get impatient with me. He doesn't really reassure--instead he'll tell me to relax, or that it's probably just this time of year that's making me sad and I should "cheer up and play with our kittens." I do feel panicky and sad for no reason sometimes, but when he acts this way, my fear changes into: he'll decide I'm too much trouble, he isn't in love with me, and leave me--when his support and love was the reason I felt brave enough to go to therapy in the first place (which is what's dredging up a lot of issues for me.)

 

When I'm my normal happy self, we have a great time together....we laugh, joke around, and just have a blast being together. But I absolutely can't "put on a happy face" all the time if I'm feeling scared and sad. I can manage to push past it sometimes, but not all the time. I want him to love me just as much when I'm sad and confused as when I'm happy and spunky.

 

Am I too needy, to expect reassurance when I'm sad even if I don't know why? Has it just taken its toll on him, and he's annoyed? He said he feels like he's "tried to give me advice" but it doesn't work and I'm still sad. I don't NEED advice. I need a hug, and to hear him tell me how much he loves me. I told him that this morning, and he said he feels like he has to say the "right thing" right when I need to hear it.

 

I don't know, whenever he has needed reassurance, I'm more than happy to give it to him. Granted he doesn't need it as much as I do, but still. Isn't that what you do when you love someone?

 

I don't know how to make him understand. My needs are simple--but I guess maybe too frequent. I don't know.

[Ash]

It sounds like there's some depression in there for some reason. My partner is very much like this in fact. She has days when she's sad and needs lots of love and cuddles. Sometimes I can say things that help, other times I just have to hold her.

 

I will say it can be difficult sometimes when the bad times far outnumber the good, but I know at some point in the future it will turn itself around.

 

Perhaps you have to remind him that there are good times as well, and the bad times will pass. Perhaps somedays you'll need to be on the lookout for when it's the other way around and he's got the blues and you're on a high. It happens that way sometimes too and if it happens to me and she doesn't notice it can be a tad frustrating.

 

Perhaps trying to figure out exactly why you're sad at times will help. Other than that, if he finds it difficult to hug you sometimes because he seems distant, then perhaps you can just sit in front of him watching TV and have him put his hands on your shoulders, maybe give you a little bit of a shoulder rub. The contact will help, and it's not as "invested" as hugs and cuddles.

[adahy]

Your needs are seemingly "simple", but what about his needs? We men jump thru hoops trying to figure out a woman's biological, hormonal, menstrual, etc. mood swings...it's not easy all the time. We don't always want to come to the pity party...and if you're unhappy, we men are unhappy. We're often made to feel we've done wrong when we haven't. We are manipulated or guilted into some sort of pampering routine...if regular, it's VERY tiresome. Some men are very compassionate and available, yet it's still not enough depending on the woman.

[chigal28]

Ash and Adahy, thank you for your thoughtful replies.

 

Ash, your girlfriend sounds a lot like me. And it sounds like you're very supportive, which is wonderful. It can be SO difficult, not knowing why I'm sad or what I need him to do, and I'm sure he's frustrated. I wish I could communicate better, but I also wish I didn't have to. I wish I could just sit with my sadness, and have him hold me, and not judge me for it.

 

Adahy, you're right. I can see the truth in what you say, and I'm really going to mull that over and try to see things from his point of view. He did say this morning that he feels like if he doesn't say the right thing, right when I need him to, that he's in "trouble" somehow. I'm sure that could get very irritating...and frustrating...so what you've said was extremely helpful, thank you.

[Ash]

My discomfort comes from not knowing what to do to make things right. I don't always have all the answers. But it's a bit easier knowing that sometimes I don't need to have an answer at all, and what's more important is just knowing somebody cares.

[never-too-late]

You are just like me!! I get sad, insecure, worried for no reasons. And in the beginning my boyfriend tried his best to make me feel better but he has also become less patient with me and he has even become annoyed with me.

 

One thing you need to remember is that men do not have the same emotions as us women, especially the way we deal with them. Men do not always feel comfortable knowing how to comfort us. So the fact that your boyfriend is telling you to relax and he is trying to find a reason why you would feel this way IS his way to show you he loves you. Men are solution-oriented. So be careful that you don't make him feel unappreciated if you start to blame him or if you start to feel he does not love you enough or he is not showing you enough care. You cannot expect him to be always hugging you and comforting you. You are not his baby. You are a girlfriend, an individual. He has his problems he needs to deal with so you should ask him from time to time, how his day is, how is he feeling about his job or school or whatever. Be careful that you don't make it all about you because I was like you and my boyfriend started to resent me for always wanting him to make me feel better. Now he is taking care of his needs and I am finding it hard so we need to learn to be supportive towards each other and not always just take from our partners.

 

And please give your boyfriend a huge kiss and a hug and tell him how much you appreciate him and how much you thank him for being there for you through these emotional ups and downs. He will feel so great about himself and it will make him feel good to be with you. If you just take and keep complaining tha it's not enough, he will distance himself from you one day and you don't want that.

 

Remember men are not women when it comes to emotions. So really you have a good boyfriend and please show him that!!

 

Good luck and try to cheer up! Don't rely on your boyfriend for all the comfort. Speak to your parents, your friends, go for walks, go to a gym, sport helps to relase negative energy and emotions.. otherwise you will exhaust him.

 

I am talking from my own experience. I almost lost my boyfriend due to my neediness and insecurity.. So stop for now and show him help and support, he may need that but he may not ask for it as he thinks that you are always the one feeling low. So try to learn to be strong for him sometimes. It's give and take.

[EvaGina]

Never too late... good post

You have to realise you are good enough in yourself, not seek that confirmation from your bf.

 

and take NTL's advice, show/tell your bf how much you appreciate his kindness, it will make a huge difference (positive reinforcment)

(if I have been annoying and my bf has been fantastic about it, I bake or cook for him, to show him I can see how much he does for me)

[Batya33]

I think it's time for you to work on this yourself and the next time it happens - as long as it is not due to something he did or said or didn't do - tell him that you are going to handle it by yourself and that you will call him when you're feeling better.

[RayKay]

I suspect a lot of it is because it takes a toll on him when he can't "fix it".

 

Think of it this way, everytime you do get needy, he does his best to reassure you and "fix it". But then it happens again, so what he did did not work. Eventually he pulls away as he cannot get into that emotional rollercoaster again of not knowing what is really going on, or what to do...

 

I get where you are coming from...I do too get those more needy and emotional stages and often cannot explain WHAT is really wrong, but it is really important to make sure that you do try and communicate as best you can what is going on, that it is not him, or if it is something in the relationship what you need, and also that you don't need him to "fix it" to help you feel better, you just need to feel supported and loved a little extra that day

 

But also, don't "expect" him to fix it or be able to keep doing it if he does not know what is really wrong, because that does leave him feeling emotionally beaten down and hurt over time....try and communicate and figure out what is REALLY wrong before burdening him with it too, if that makes sense.

[chigal28]

And please give your boyfriend a huge kiss and a hug and tell him how much you appreciate him and how much you thank him for being there for you through these emotional ups and downs. He will feel so great about himself and it will make him feel good to be with you. If you just take and keep complaining tha it's not enough, he will distance himself from you one day and you don't want that.

 

 

Never-too-late, thank you, that is great advice. I do feel that I could be more appreciative of what he DOES do, and show him that I've noticed that he has been there for me. This can't be easy for him, any more than it is for me! I just hope I haven't already reached the point where he is distancing himself...I guess all I can do now is try to approach things differently....your screen name does give me hope.

[chigal28]

I suspect a lot of it is because it takes a toll on him when he can't "fix it".

 

Think of it this way, everytime you do get needy, he does his best to reassure you and "fix it". But then it happens again, so what he did did not work. Eventually he pulls away as he cannot get into that emotional rollercoaster again of not knowing what is really going on, or what to do...

 

That does ring true...he said he's "given me so much advice," and it doesn't seem to work because I just end up back in the same sad, emotional place. How frustrating for both of us....

 

and also that you don't need him to "fix it" to help you feel better, you just need to feel supported and loved a little extra that day But also, don't "expect" him to fix it or be able to keep doing it if he does not know what is really wrong, because that does leave him feeling emotionally beaten down and hurt over time....try and communicate and figure out what is REALLY wrong before burdening him with it too, if that makes sense.

 

That is what I want him to know...that I just need hugs and support, and to know that he's there for me...not necessarily advice, or a solution. And I will try mulling things over for myself and figuring out where I'm coming from first before just starting to spout off at the mouth and talk in circles, which is what I do when I don't know what's really wrong, and then I end up "finding" all sorts of problems in our relationship to pinpoint my mood on when it really wasn't anything of the sort in the first place.

 

Yikes, I could see why he'd be annoyed and a bit burnt out....

[sophie274]

Hey Chigal

 

I don't know if this will be helpful ...

 

I often feel the same way you do (from the sound of what you wrote): I get in a funk, feel sad, lonely, cry ... When I do, I feel almost paralyzed, and like I can't change it or make it better. My boyfriend has a rough time when I am like this: he wants to fix it, can't, feels hurt and frustrated because he feels like he is part of the problem. It really rocks our relationship.

 

I don't know how much time you spend with your boyfriend. I spend a lot of time with mine, and I think that is part of the reason why I get in these moods with him. In a way, him being with me seems to feed my sadness - maybe it's because he is a shoulder to cry on, so I dwell on it more. I don't really know. However, for the past week and a half I have been spending a lot less time with him (from seeing him for most of the free time in my day and spending the night with him to seeing him just a few times per week), and I have not had one of these episodes yet. When I am alone I am able to handle my moods a lot better - I just busy myself with work or exercise or call a friend, and the funk passes. I feel so much more in control.

 

I don't know if any of the above made sense - it's pretty jumbled, even in my head! But I think the rule of thumb is that you should try to solve these episodes yourself. For me, having my boyfriend there is counter-productive, because it feeds my sadness, makes me dwell on it, and so forth ... and it's very demoralizing to him.

 

Being able to tackle my "moments" all by myself also gives me confidence and control, that I don't need his help to cheer myself up.

[chigal28]

Sophie....what an awesome post, thank you.

 

I feel completely the same way...like I want my boyfriend to make me feel better, to bring me out of my sadness, when I know perfectly well that if I wasn't with him at that point, I would do it myself--listen to some upbeat music, write in a journal, call a friend or someone in my family, focus on work or a hobby I enjoy, etc.

 

Now that I think about the way things are for you, it is SO true for me, as well.

 

It's like if I'm feeling a bit sad, and he's there, I use him as a sounding board and get more and more confused and sad the more I talk, even if I might have just been a bit "down" to begin with. It's like his being so understanding in the past has almost made him an "enabler," allowing me to not fix or change my attitude, but instead dwell on things. I am a pretty insecure person in general, and in a way, I think my sadness is a vicious cycle...I feel sad, so I go to him, he doesn't know what to do to make me feel better, I feel more sad, etc.

 

I also hate to admit this, but I suspect in the past I've noticed that I get attention and love and affection from him when I am sad, and while it's not that he's not that way when I'm in a good mood, it just feels more...apparent that he loves me when he's comforting me? I know, it's horrible...I feel like I've been manipulative just by saying this, but I honestly didn't realize. And if I did, it certainly hasn't been intentional.

 

You're right, though, I need to figure out how to deal with things on my own...if I don't know why I'm sad or upset, unless he specifically asks what's wrong and I have a concrete answer, I'm going to keep it to myself and mull it over. Or talk about it with a friend.

[sophie274]

I have to admit it makes me happy to have found someone to feels the same way I do! Like I am not so weird after all ...

 

I am a planner, think ahead, always have the future planned out for years in advance, so I tend to want to fix things fast and also tend to overanalyse. What I have done when I feel myself going into a funk is either to go back to my place before my mood degrades - often the walk home lifts my mood - or to really commit to NOT dwelling on what is bothering me. I have to strike deals with myself - like, "Sophie, you are NOT going to worry about this now, you ARE going to have fun, there will be plenty of time to think about this later". Then it usually goes away. I also want to start seeing a therapist - that way I will have scheduled time to worry, moan, gripe, analyse - so again when I start to feel down I can just tell myself I will worry about it then.

 

I know what you mean about your boyfriend paying attention to you. Sometimes when I see my bf, he is absorbed in what he has been doing or is with his friends, and he doesn't acknowledge my presense that much and it makes me feel a bit unimportant - not a lot, just not very special. That is another reason why spending more time apart and carving out specific "us" time has been helpful, because when we do see each other he is more focused on me, and me on him, and I don't have to grab his attention.

 

I think the biggest part is really mental. Sounds like you can really feel your mood taking a nosedive, so the key is to stop it before it reaches the point where you are crying or in a more permanent bad mood. Sleep is also a big factor for me, as well as exercise (although I hate to admit it as I am not a big fat of sweat!).

 

I replied on your other thread about you looking at rings, etc ... and wanted to ask you if anything had happened. Are you engaged?

[chigal28]

I am a planner, think ahead, always have the future planned out for years in advance, so I tend to want to fix things fast and also tend to overanalyse.

 

This is SO me....I have a nice little plan all in place in my head, so if something starts going wrong (or if I perceive something to be going wrong), I start really picking it apart in my head, trying to figure out how to fix it immediately. Honestly, I have trouble waiting even a full day to try to fix and address a problem...which, maybe I need to learn to relax and ride things out more...

 

or to really commit to NOT dwelling on what is bothering me. I have to strike deals with myself - like, "Sophie, you are NOT going to worry about this now, you ARE going to have fun, there will be plenty of time to think about this later". Then it usually goes away.

 

Sophie, that is a great idea....when I start to dwell on something, I *really* dwell. If they gave awards out for persistence in dwelling...well, I would be up for first prize. Seriously...maybe it is a case where I need to learn to control my thoughts more, instead of letting them control me...that is a really great suggestion. And although we live together, I do spend quite a bit of time out of the apartment, with friends, so in that way I'm trying to keep a healthy space between us, so I don't rely on him for all my happiness....but I still worry and dwell!! Eeeek.

 

 

I replied on your other thread about you looking at rings, etc ... and wanted to ask you if anything had happened. Are you engaged?

 

Nope, not yet....he's mentioned a few times how he's saving up, but I guess it's slow going what with bills and all...so I honestly have no idea when it might happen. I'd like to ask, but I don't want to pressure him, since it's been only about two months. I'm hoping for sometime this summer, though...maybe if he and I take another road trip out to visit my parents out West like we did last summer. At least that would be ideal for me...who knows what he has in mind...

 

My mom says things were much simpler for her and my dad. They dated for six months, they looked at rings, about a week later my dad popped the question. Now that I think about it, it does seem a bit odd that we looked at rings two months ago and he still hasn't asked...but I'm going to try to apply my new "don't worry about it now" principle to this situation...

[sophie274]

I think he is probably looking for exactly the right time.

 

One of my friends got engaged last summer, and she and her boyfriend had looked at rings at least 6 months before, and he kept talking about it, but wouldn't propose ... she was bursting to say "just get it over with!!". But then the proposal was REALLY romantic, so I guess it was worth it ... I'm sure yours will be too!

 

I hope you feel better: whenever you take feel blue just take a deep breath, push the negative thoughts out, and do some jumping jacks or something to get the energy going! PM me if you want, I'd love to talk!